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Search - "you want me to do what?"
-
Bf: what you doing?
Me: coding
Bf: do you ever stop working?!
Me: I'm not 'working', I'm doing my own project.
Bf: but you do that at work. Why do you want to keep doing it?
Me: it's fun?
--- a few days later ---
Bf: what you doing?
Me: reading.
Bf: omg you're not coding! What are you reading?
Me: a book about coding
Bf: *faceplam*15 -
*Mom shows me laptop ad of 3000 bucks with the most overkill specs ever*
Mom: "Son, will this laptop run Google?"
Me: "Do you want to surf Google or actually run Google's server?"
Mom: *looks confused*
"I also want to use Fesabook on it"
Me: *brings her a 5 year old laptop with a new ssd in it*
*has an old i3, 8gb ram and no gpu*
Mom: "This laptop is super fast! Thanks son!"
*One hour later*
*Mom calls*
"Son, I think the laptop broke"
Me: "What? What happened?"
Mom: "I pressed a button and now all the keys are lighting red" (backlit keyboard)
Me: "You can choose the color of your keyboard mom"
Mom: "Ooh! How do I make it pink?"
Me: "You can only choose between red and blue..."
Mom: "What a ripoff"
*Hangs up the phone*34 -
My conversation with my wife today, while I was at work:
Wife: The wifi isn't working.
Me: What's it doing?
W: Not working
Me: Try turning it off an on again.
.
.
.
Me: Is your phone on LTE? Or is it connected to wifi and the internet isn't working?
W: LTE. Aubrey (my wife's sister) said she turned it off and nothing happened.
Me: did she turn it back on?
W: Do you really want me to answer that?
Me: Just making sure. What lights are on on the router?
W: (Sends me a picture of the router with no lights on)
Me:...
W: Oh it isn't even plugged in
Me:...
W (after a couple minutes): Its working now!
YES I REALLY WANT YOU TO ANSWER IF YOU TURNED IT BACK ON!14 -
So this fucking happened today.
Me: *sees support ticket coming in about some kind of login issue*
Me: *opens issue*
"Hello, I can't seem to login. There's an error"
Me: *sighs and thinks "at least give me that FUCKING error message then." *kindly replies with asking if they could send me the error message*
"Here it is. I don't understand what is going wrong
and what I have to do"
Me: *looks at error message*
"Invalid customer ID. Please make sure that your ID is correct. You can find it in the activation email we sent you when you registered".
😐 😶 😦
Me: *thinking okay what the fuck, are you fucking retarded or something?*
Me: *kindly replies: "It seems that you are not using the correct customer ID. You might want to look for it in the activation email we sent you!"*
"Oh okay thanks, how did you figure that out?"
Me: 😵 😐 😶 😭 🔫
Seriously what the actual fucking fuck.27 -
This shit is real.
Guy comes to my desk.
Guy: Do you know Python?
Me: Yes
Guy: I want a program that reads a CSV containing IP addresses and tells which of them are valid.
Me: Sure thing. Show me the CSV file.
Guy: (Shows the file)
Me: (Writes a small function for checking whether the IP is valid)
Me: Done Here you go.
Guy: You should be using regex.
Me: Why? This is perfect. No need for regex.
Guy: My manager wants a solution using regex only.
Me: Why so?
Guy: I don't know. Can you do it using regex?
Me: Only if you say so. (Stackoverflow. Writes a humongous regex). Done!
Me: Just for curiosity, what is your application?
Guy: I will port it in Java. You see, regex is easy to debug.
Me: Ohhh Yes. I forgot that. Good luck with your regex.22 -
Me: so, ifconfig, what is my gateway?
ifconfig: [ip address]
Me: nmap, what is this IP address?
nmap: it's a network switch with an open telnet port.
Me: what happens if I connect to it?
switch: WHAT IS THE PASSWORD?!?!
Me: is it blank?
switch: correct. what do you want to do?
Me: can I look at all the IP and MAC addresses on the network?
switch: WHAT IS THE ADMIN PASSWORD?!?!
Me: is it... admin?
switch: correct. Here's everyone that's connected to the network: [400+ IPs and MACs]
Me: ok python, would you filter through these and tell me what manufacturer each one belongs to?
python: sure.
[~50 manufacturer lookups later]
python: there's a bunch of apple product, a bunch of miscellaneous laptop and printer manufacturers, and some raspberry pis.
Me: raspberry pis?
python: yep. about 20 of them.
Me: What happens if I connect to one?
rpi: WHAT IS THE PASSWORD?!?!
Me: raspberry?
rpi: correct. what do you want to do?
Me: can I make you do my bidding in the background when you aren't being used?
rpi: sure, sounds fine.
I love ignorant sysadmins.8 -
Boss: "I don't want to comply with the GDPR"
Me, DPO: "I've told you the house rules. You must comply, stop arguing"
Boss: "But I don't want it. Bobby doesn't have to, and Eve doesn't have to, their moms are cool"
Me: "I don't give a crap about the other kids, you're going to be GDPR compliant. Bob and Eve will end up being raped in prison. It's that what you want?"
Boss: "What if I just pretend to do it."
Me: "I'll take away all your marketing toys. No more mailchimp for you young man."
Boss, crying: "You wouldn't touch my Facebook pixel!"
Me: "Especially your Facebook pixel. I'm so sick of that thing...."
Me: "...Look, you can still play with your toys, all I'm saying is you need to be honest and ask your buddies for consent before you put your pixels up their various holes"
Boss: "But they will never agree!"
Me: "Maybe that is good thing"
Boss: "But how will we get people to like us if I can't feed them pills and insert probes into their holes to measure their responses?"
Me: "Maybe you should focus on being a nice kid, someone people like to play with. Your buddies will tell other kids that you're a nice guy. Now, I'm not going to lie to you, it will be hard work. Much more effort than what you're doing now. But you know, those friends will stick with you for decades, instead of just until the marketing-drugs wear off"
Boss: "I think I want a new mom"
Me: "You signed a contract. You're stuck with me for the next 2 years. And as long as you're living under my roof, you will follow my rules."14 -
When you are a Dev but you don't want to be single
Girl: what's your profession?
Me: I am a writer
Girl: Cool! What do you write?
Me: I write code😎18 -
Me: Alright, let's code!
School: Psst. Hey.
Me: What?
School: Remember that assignment from last week?
Me: Oh god please no.
School: Yeah, it's tomorrow. And you have a Geography exam next Monday. You love geography, right?
Me: Please, no, I want to become a programmer, not a--
School: Shush... It's okay. Programming can wait. You want a to get a job, right? What would they say when they see your poor Geography?
Me: That doesn't even... Okay, fine, I'll do it...
* two days later *
Me: Fuck me! Finally! Let's do some coding now.
School: Psst. Hey.16 -
Friend: How much do you charge for a website?
Me: Depends, what do you need?
Friend: Just a basic website.
Me: I am going to need more details than that, is it static HTML site? Do you want to be able to add content yourself? Do you have hosting? Do you....
Friend: Dude, just give me a rough estimate.
Me: But...
Friend: It's for a friend, he has an idea for a business.
Me: ...fine...$100 million 👿
//Because making a website is just a push of a button to some people21 -
Girl: Can you make me an app?
Me: What kind of app do you have in mind?
Girl: I want it to be... like an app!
Me: Sounds a bit to difficult sorry.10 -
Client: can you fix the slider on my homepage please?
Me: It seems to be working just fine
Client: it works but it’s not how I want it, fix it
Me: well what do you want me to change then?
Client: don’t change it, just fix it!
😒2 -
Boss throwing up a huge source code that I didn't see before.
Boss: Hey, this is an app from a contractor to do XYZ.
Me: Oh, okay.. so?
Boss: You will continue the code and the maintenance now. How much time do you need to implement X feature?
Me: I need to see the code first, can't say nothing now.
Boss: ok I need estimation now.
Me: *getting nervous* I need to see the fuckening code first. if you want estimation now I would say one year..
Boss: what?
Me: what?18 -
Me: *uses HashMap* for a problem to count some elements*
Lecturer: why are you using HashMap?
Me: it's the best way of solving the problem
Lecturer: I haven't explicitly taught you what a HashMap is so why are you using it?
Me: Because I learn outside of what university teaches me
Lecturer: there's another way to do this
Me: enlighten me
Lecturer: iterate through the array using a nested for loop and count as you go along
Me: why the hell would I want to do that? That literally decreases the efficiency of my program by alot
GG lecturer telling me it's a better idea of making my O(n) runtime into an O(n^2) instead of complimenting my code.
Seriously what the fuck is up with the fucking education system. Since when was it okay to teach students how to completely fuck your code up and promote ways of making your code so inefficient?33 -
It's depressing how true this is
Me: "Tech support, how can I help you?"
Them: " I'm not able to log into the website!"
Me: "Okay, what message is it showing when you try to log in?"
Them: "Sir, I am NOT a computer person so I don't know."
Me: "Do you know which web browser you're using?"
Them: "I don't know what that is!"
Me: "Okay, when you want to go on the internet, do you click on a blue E, or a mulicolored circle, or..."
Them: "SIR I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO THELP ME SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP"12 -
What the fuck!? Did you just fucking say you don't want to discuss API endpoints with me because I'm just a frontend developer? Get the fuck down from your imaginary backend throne and talk to me like the software engineer that I am. That's right, I'm a software engineer too, you fucking asshole. Just because you do backend and I do frontend doesn't mean you can talk down to me. And I swear that the next time you say you made all the work and I just have to "style it" I'll just leave. You can "style it" yourself.34
-
At the beginning of an interview...
HR girl: You know, that position you applied is already taken but I found some similar in our company.
Me: Uhm, ok?
HRG: What about this one? It's some programming... *pointing at some IT position regarding db maintenance* Do you want to try that?
Me: Sure, why not.
I was applying to student position at embedded firmware development at the time. I did some school project with MySQL but it was few years back and I happily forgot most about it.
Anyway, story continues.
IT manager: Hi, I heard you want to join our lines.
Me: That is what I heard as well.
IT: Eh?
Me: I came for completely different position actually.
IT: Uhm, ok. We have standardised test, let's see what you can do.
It was some basic stuff for db guys but I was totally lost. I was done after 3 minutes returning nearly blank paper.
We shaked hands, both agreed this is not well fit for me and I went away.
After this botched attempt HR girl remembered that there is another team looking for embedded developer students. I was accepted.
Corporates are marvelous.3 -
YELLED AT FOR 45 FUCKING MINUTES OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S FUCKUPS
IF YOU PIECES OF SHIT WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING, FUCKING SAY IT. WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN IN THE FUCKING TICKET.
AND IF YOU WANT A FUCKING DEMO, SCHEDULE THE FUCKING THING, AND STOP FUCKING CANCELING THEM. DON’T BLAME ME WHEN IT’S YOUR FUCKING FINGER ON THE FUCKING CANCEL BUTTON EVERY. FUCKING. WEEK.
AND SERIOUSLY, DON’T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO DROP MY LAST FUCKING TICKET THE AFTERNOON BEFORE VACATION FOR SOME LOW-PRIOIRTY CRAP BECAUSE SUDDENLY IT’S ALL THE RAGE INSIDE YOUR TINY DUMBASS HEAD. BUT OH BOO FUCKING HOO, @ROOT DIDN’T DO WHAT I ASKED WHEN I WAS BEING A FUCKING MORON! GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKING STUCK-UP IDIOT
AND FUCK BOZO THE CLOWN BOSS FOR BLAMING ME FOR THE FUCKING IDIOT’S BRUISED FUCKING EGO
FUCK THE LOT OF YOU39 -
Prospective client: “I have a website through which I sell music, both physical copies and downloads, but am having all kinds of issues with it”.
Me: “Like what? Tell me more.”
Client: “Go to www... I’ll go through them with you”.
So I go, and client proceeds to rattle off a list of totally random shit for the next 26 and a half minutes without even stopping for breath, telling me what he’d prefer, talking through how easy other “similar” websites are and comparing his own website to them, as well as all the things that flat out just don’t work. He ended with the line “I just paid my developer who told me it was all good, but now he’s telling me he’s too busy to work on it”.
Meanwhile I’ve had a gander at “view source” and can see it’s been “built” with Wordpress, and with a fuck ton of plugins and shit to boot... you can only imagine the sense of euphoria I’m feeling at this point.
Me: “Did you have a contract with your developer?”
Client: “Nah”.
Me: “Do you have a budget in mind, either for just making right or for ongoing development?”
Client: “Yes, but minimal”.
Me: “So what do you want from me?”
Client: “I want to know how much it’s going to cost to fix!!!!” (apparently irritated by my question).
Me: “Oooook... Is there any way I can have access to your website to investigate, or clone it so I can recreate what’s going on?”
Client: “Yes” (gives me details of how to log in to his hosting, and WP admin).
Turns out, he had over 50 active plugins for literally EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. PIECE of functionality on his website. Furthermore, it was pretty clear that some plugin functionality overlapped, because... well, if you don’t know how to do something, install a plugin or seven to get it done, right?
Me: “So can I ask, what exactly is your budget? Just to give me ballpark as to how best move forward?”
Client: After going into how he’s already spent a lot of money on it already, “If we could we agree on below £200?”
Me: “...what, a month?”
Client: “No! In total. To make it right. Once it’s done it’s done, surely?!?!”
*a long silence*
Client: “So... what do you think?”
Me: “Burn it. Burn it all down”.8 -
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."7 -
Not sure what Linux Desktop to use? Use this handy guide:
- GNOME: when you want no tray icons, themes that break every minor GTK release, and extensions for basic features (that are buggy.)
- KDE: pretty go-Segmentation Fault
- DWM/Awesome/i3/etc.: when you feel like the time you spent learning Vim wasn't wasteful enough
- XFCE: when you want one update per decade and poor Systemd support.
- LXQt: the biggest positive is that it doesn't use GTK.
- Cinnamon: when you like GNOME 3 but you want a different menu
- Deepin: when you want a desktop with the build quality of an HP laptop.
Aren't sure whether to use Xorg or Wayland?
- Xorg: if you want to absurdly fuck up your touchscreen, pick this one.
- Wayland: if you want to screw up most of your apps, too bad; this won't work with your proprietary drivers. If only it did.
What distro to use?
- Ubuntu: if you want to break your system with PPAs, check out this one.
- Debian: when you want Ubuntu except with more out of date packages
- Redhat: when you want Debian except with more out of date packages
- ElementaryOS: wait, someone actually made a properly designed Linux UI?
- Arch Linux: the only thing that doesn't make me sick anymore.
- Slackware: "that exists still really?"
- Gentoo: when you hate systemd more than waiting 4 days to compile Firefox on every release.
... I love Linux. I do. But it is very taxing to get things comfortable for me anymore. I feel like the Linux Desktop is in a period of flux and it's painful to be a part of right now.25 -
*meeting with boss about a quick site for one of her clients*
Boss- "okay so basically I just want you to copy the content from -already made site- and put it on the new one"
Me- "okay sure do you want it verbatim or "
Boss-"no but something similar"
Me-"okay so you want me to paraphrase this list that's on the homepage?"
Boss-"Well no we dont actually need the list at all as it isnt relevant to us so just take that out"
Me-"okay well that is the only thing on the homepage so what should I replace it with"
Boss-"I dont know, something similar to the list. You can figure something out"
Me-"....I dont know anything about the clients business. I am not going to just make up content, you guys can at least give me some direction there"
Boss-"i didnt think it would be that hard"
Me-"it's really not hard. You're making it harder than it needs to be for me though. Anyway, do you wanna keep the same exact pages as the other site or only transfer some of them or"
Boss-"something that resembles that website but isnt exactly it so some of the pages but not all"
Me-"which ones"
Boss-"the ones relevant to client's business"
Me-*closes notebook, stands up, starts to leave room*
Boss-"where are you going"
Me-"I'm going to get another two cups of coffee cause I didnt have enough this morning for this bullshit"
Boss-*raises eyebrow*
Me-"dont tell me to copy paste a website at first and then continue to tell me its going to be "similar" but different and then further continue to be as vague as possible about what is expected of me to be done in order to make it different! Take the time to decide what it is you want exactly and then tell me, with detail, what you're criteria is so I can do the thing!! I cant read your mind."
Boss-"..... I just didnt think it would be that hard to jot in a few sentences here and there"
I left the room at that point. Irritating as fuck. You dont know tech stuff, don't expect me to know enough about YOUR job to write about it as if I'm a professional. I cant fucking read minds, I have no interest in researching anything just to create the site content myself, and its fucking rude that they wont even take the time to sit down and decide what they want for a website that THEY are paying for. For fucks sake people get your fucking shit together13 -
Family reaction story to me being a dev?
- My dad still refers to my profession as 'something in computers'.
- My older sister goes to her weirdo friends for technical advice because she thinks all I do is fill paper in printers (that's a long TL;DR story about a phone upgrade)
- My brother, a car mechanical genius thinks what I do is near God-like. He also races cars and can blabber on about the physics, aero-dynamics, weight ratios, etc and says "Oh, no way. I'm too stupid to do what you do." Then I'm like, "Dude, shut up, I can barely change my oil and you could replace an engine blindfolded", then he just laughs "Yea, probably."
- Baby sister just wants me to fix her phone. "Can you make <insert some random app> do <insert a random behavior the app was never designed to do>?". I'm like "Uh no, I didn't write Instagram", then she's like "I thought you went to school for computers?".
- My mom passed way (long battle with cancer). I'm sure she'd be proud, but still asking me to how to switch the channel so she could watch a movie on the VCR.
I can clearly see having this conversation with my mom.
Me: "Mom, why are you still using a VCR? I bought you a subscription to Netflix"
Mom: "Net what? Do I turn the dial to channel 2 or 3?"
Me: "No, its the Netflix button on the remote."
Mom: "Can't you come over and do this? I just want to watch my shows. Didn't you go to school to learn these things?"
Me: "No mom, that's not...um...never mind. I'll be right over."17 -
Are you interested in a devRant hackathon? If so, please let me know what you'd like to see us do/what you would want to get out of it. There's lots of directions we could go, but I want to get as much feedback as we can from the community to try to figure out what would be the most fun and inclusive. Thanks!23
-
so I was at primary school and our homework was: "what do you want to do when you grow up". my dad took me around town for inspirations. that's when I saw that famous ad that led me to do IT.1
-
This actually happend in my secondary school class. A new guy came to our class. The whole family moved from another city.
*new guy want to start conversation with me*
new guy: "So you into computers and stuff like that?"
me: "Yes" *seems like a cool guy , want to develop the conversation further* "what about you man? do you like computers? do yo program or smth?"
*new guy wants to look cool in front of me*
new guy: " Yeah dude, actually I am hacker"
*me saying to myself, oh fuck not again this shit*
he continues with: " Once I got into the NASA system"
*switches mode to making fun of him*
me: "what the fuck man? really? that´s freaking cool, how you manage to do that? "
new guy: " you know the thing when you press F10 when starting a comupter? "
me: "You mean BIOS?"
new guy : "yeah yeah man through that shit"
* I am done, laughing my ass off and walks away*1 -
relationship with dev perks (just happened):
GF : *bad mood* i'm hungry
Me : Let's go get some food ! *trying to cheer her up*
GF : No.
Me : Ok, whatever you say.
GF : Do you really wa--
Me : Whaat? you said "No"?
GF : Don't you see abstraction in my face?
Me : so what ? you want me to Implement it?
GF : NO. PUT IT IN YOUR GODDAMN MAIN FUNCTION.
Me : ok let's go *still don't understand what she meant*
GF : Good Job.68 -
Client: Please fix the logo.
Me: Okay, what needs to be fixed exactly?
Client: Put this word next to that word(shows me an example).
Me: Okay, no problem.
*after 5 minutes*
Client: You did not do what I asked for. Please fix the logo. Make it look better. Make it bigger and more outstanding. Dont change my logo
Me: Okay, I will revert the changes.
*Reverts to the old logo, and only does that as I do not fucking know what to do with oudstanding for fucks sake*
Client: I will talk to your boss. No one cares. My web site is not even finished and no one cares.
*It is finished, now the client looks for small things to make a big issue of*
Me: Could you please tell me in detail, what do you need to be fixes?
Client: I want the wording better. Im going to talk to your boss...
well fuuuck fucking fuck Im pissing blood!!!!!!!!!8 -
Me : We have 3 guys , 850 hours of content to develop, and you want this by mid Feb...
Account Manager : Yes
Me: ... (Doing math in head)..
Account Manager : This has to happen , what do we need to MAKE THIS HAPPEN..
Me: A time machine....
- awkward silence -10 -
Client : your design is not cool. See this ^
*showed me some pretty neat designs pattern*
Me: which type do you want for your application.?
Client : All are pretty cool. Isn't it?
Me : Yes. But you do not need all of them. Right?
Client : Yes.
Me : So, which one.
Client : I'm confused But, this will do.
Me : Sure?
Client : Yes, very much.
After 3 days.
Client : you know what, earlier one was simple one but, best one. Easy to understand. This is (new design) making it complex. I need previous one.
Me : (I knew you'll say that, a**hole.) Just go to setting and select theme section to earlier version.
Client : thank you man.
Me : (You are red listed in my book you a**hole. Say anything else to add/edit and then see.) You are welcome.6 -
I need to hide myself, my computer, programming skills and computer knowledge from people. Then only, I will be safe..
Friend: Heeey, you're good with computers right?
Me: No! 😑
Friend: Come-on bro. I know you are.
Me: What do you want?
Friend: I want you to check and book flights for me for country X.
Me: Are you ok? How does this have anything to do with someone being good with computers and stuff?
Friend: Haha, see? You're good with computers. *starts laughing. Anyway, since you're good, you can find the best prices. I know you know how to search sites and how to find things online.
Me: WTF?!?!!! All, you have to do is type in your search. If you don't like the results, you simply refine it.
Friend: See, all this tech stuff I'm not really good at it.
Me: But you're good at searching for other things online, right? Do the same for your flights.
*Picks my laptop and walks away.
How can a young man not be able to search for flights online but knows how to use several gadgets. Nonsense.9 -
Co-worker: Hey man, what's up with your code?
Me: What do you mean bro?
Co-worker: It's generic man...
Me: Isn't it supposed to be like that?
Co-worker: Yeah...
Me: ... so what's this about?
Co-worker: hmmm... Mine is kinda specific, do you mind changing it so that it can work well with mine??
Me: That's why I made it generic though
Co-worker: yeah I see that and I dnt want mine to be and we have a deadline tomorrow. I already pushed mine to develop so, happy fun-time while modifying your code to accommodate mine...
Me: *fuuxuuuuuuuuuuuux*5 -
Notepad++: An update package is available, do you want to download it?
Me: Maybe next time
Notepad++: Sure, that's what they all say3 -
My five-year-old daughter asked me to program her Android tablet today.
Daughter: Daddy, can you make my tablet do something?
Me: What do you want to make it do?
Daughter: I want it to get games for me. I want it to pick games I like and get the different games so I can play them after I get home from school.
My daughter asked me to implement:
1. At the least, a predictive algorithm to choose new games for her based on her likes and dislikes.
2. At the most, an adaptive artificial intelligence that will learn what games she likes to play.
Current specifications are unclear. Need revision.13 -
*Me and my workmates laughing and having fun before going home*
Me: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Workmate 1: What is it?
Me: Look at your code.
...
...
...
Other workmates: BURRRRRNNNN!!!!4 -
Well Google.. I have been shouting null at you but you don't seem to respond. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??2
-
So today , a company phoned me for a job I applied in Jobstreet. So the conversation goes like this.
Com " Do you have any experience in Android studio? "
Me : " Yes . I develop android application, it is compulsory to know actually."
Com :" ok... Do you have experience android SDK?"
Me : " I believe you are referring to the Android studio, yes."
Com :" do you have experience in Android programming"?
Me :" Yes. I do android application for both native and hybrid. As for hybrid, I use flutter."
Com :" Ok...but I was asking about android."
Me :*explaining what I just said *
Com: " you no understand! We need android programmer! Not native or flutter programmer!"
Me *explaining what native and hybrid is (in simple terms)
Com : " it is ok then.. our company prefer those who can develop android app , not native programmer or anything flutter programmer.
"
(Btw , I transcript how exactly that person talk to me)
My question to this person is.... WHAT THE F*** IS THIS? WANT AN ANDROID DEVELOPER BUT NOT NATIVE OR "FLUTTER"? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN ? IF ANDROID IS NOT WRITTEN IN NATIVE OR HYBRID THEN WHAT YOU EXPECT ME TO USE THEN? USING ASSEMBLY X64?14 -
Dev: So how do you want this feature fixed?
Manager: It should work how it worked before.
Dev: I'm new to this feature, I don't know how it worked before or what is broken about it.
Manager: Well just make it work like it worked before.
Dev: I DONT KNOW HOW IT WORKED BEFORE THAT IS WHY I AM ASKING YOU. PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN DO MY JOB.
Manager: Just how it worked before!
Dev: ...
Manager: ...
Dev: fuck you17 -
Fuck those useless calls!
PM: customer X wants a call in an hour.
Me: they didn't send emails before. No questions, no prep, no call.
PM: yeah but they want to talk.
Me: these unprepared calls are pointless. I'll be sitting there, noting down the questions and telling them I'll have to look up the details.
PM: shall I tell them that you don't want to talk to them?
Me: I don't care, it's your call, do whatever you want.
PM: that's not professional.
Me: oh you're calling it professional to sit there with a pencil, writing down crap or what?
PM: what's the problem?!
Me: I've had this shit for the last two fucking calls, and they were so unprepared that they wasted half of the call just reading up, and I'm fed up with this shit!
PM: but they are the customers, and they aren't that happy.
Me: yeah, and do you know why? Because our schedule is completely fucked up and our management has been ignoring ANY warning from engineering for WEEKS! That's why they are unhappy and not because I'm not holding their fucking hands!
PM: hey, but you can't tell me what I have to do!
Me: and you can't tell me either! [he's my PM, but technically not my superior.]
PM: so no call or what?
Me: you're free to have your call. I'll sort out the shit that they're concerned about, putting that down in a proper email, and then we have at least some basis for discussion!
PM: (left for his call)
Btw., my cursing was the same in the live conversation with him.9 -
Ok, so I have a SAAS website where users pay a daily fee to use my platform as there fundraiser landing page.
A new client comes, asks for a discount, and got a 50% off because his brother was a previous client.
Him: Can you please add a list of the days of the year so a donor can donate a day?
Me: Sure, sounds like a good idea, and will probably take me about a week to implement with testing etc. And so I want $$ (hourly rate * one week) for the work.
Him: Don't bluff me I understand a bit in programming, it shouldn't take you more than an hour, and I am paying you, so you should do it for free.
Me: Ok, here is a fair deal, since you understand in programming, build it for me, I give you two weeks and I will pay you double what I am asking for.
Him: I don't understand enough to do it myself, I just estimated how much work it is.
Me: Forget about it, if you want me to build you this feature, you pay. If not you can go to my competition happily.
Who needs bad clients at all?
Why do they think they know everything?
And why don't they understand that time is money?5 -
Client: "I need you to implement a feature which does x"
Me: "We can it do like this, I can do it in Y hours."
Client: "Perfect do it"
Me: "Here you go have a look and if you give your ok I'll implement it on production."
Client:"That is not what I need. I need Z"
Me: "Well then you should have said Z and not x. But I can do Z if you want me to."
Client:"Do it it is urgent!!!!111"
Me: "All done here you go."
Client: "That works like what I said what I need, but I meant more like xZ."
Me: "Ok, you know I have to charge you for all this, do you?"
Client: "What why? It isn't the feature I wanted!!11 Do it right and I'll pay you for the right one!"
Me: "It might not be what you wanted but it is exactly what you specified to me. I'll send you the bill and will not continue working for you. Good luck finding someone who is willing to do unpaid work for you."
I am so done with that kind of client.8 -
I love my wife, i really do. But seriously.... STOP PULLING ME OUT OF THE ZONE for every tiny thing!
She:
"... can you make me a coffee"
Me:
"sure babe"
What i actually want to say:
"Its a fucking one button machine, do it yourself you lazy shit. And it takes me half an hour to go back this deep! Isnt it enough that i did all house chores made you dinner and took the dog out after working for 8 hours streight. You better give me some attention later tonight, since you should have more then enough power after sleeping all day! If i would at least get a compliment... GIVE ME COMPIMENTS."45 -
Frontend team : We pushed our code. Please give instructions regarding integration with Backend.
Me : Alright. I'll provide you the API docs and you can continue with integration.
F : But that's your job. No?
Me (didn't want to argue) : I'll look into it. Let me check out the frontend till then.
* Goes on to see the frontend *
I am kidding you not, that moth*rf*ck*r pushed an entire template along with dummy text.
Me : Hey! This doesn't seem right. It's just a template you got off the internet.
F : Yeah! That's what I have to do. To put on the dynamic content from database is your work. Don't put your responsibilities on me!!
Are you f*cking kidding me?! Do your work right or I am reporting you to the team lead!
Meanwhile, team lead : *sips coffee. Disappears for months*
Bastards!7 -
My boss has this habit of telling me what to do, followed by "thats easy" and "it should take you about <half the time it actually takes to do it barely okeish>"
My boss does not code and whenever I try to explain why stuff takes as long as it does he replies with, thats technical, I don't want to know...
Quiting my job at the end of the week : )10 -
CIO: what kind of web server do you want for your dev environment? WordPress?
Me: Uhm, Linux centos running apa-
CIO: whoa that's dangerous you need to think of the people who are going to support this.
Me: right...
CIO: we're going to pick something and stick with it.
FML company is just starting to do in house dev. CIO is heavily involved and knows more than I do... My life is a Dilbert comic strip9 -
Windows tells me to „contact the network administrator“.
I yell at the machine: „I AM THE ADMINISTRATOR!!!1!“
Why is Microsoft doing this? Instead of telling me what exactly went wrong, the come up with messages like
“Something happened”
“This is not possible”
“Error 0x2342133723”
“Do you want to ask a Friend?”
I really hope the authors of those error messages will burn in hell for that!10 -
Slowbro: Do you have time tonight?
Me: No sorry, I can't stay late tonight, I have a thing with my wife.
S: Oh yeah, I'm not staying late either.
M: Oh, so what do you want?
S: Can you help me install linux?
M: Uh no, I can't stay late -
S: No, no you don't have to stay, you can do it from home.
M: What? No I don't have time tonight. Wait you want me to take your computer home?
S: No, no I need to use my computer tonight.
M: So... What do you want me to do?
S: You can do it on your computer.
M: You want me to install an OS on your computer, but on my computer??
S: No, no *sigh* just try it on your computer so we know it will work on my computer. It is a proof of principle.
M: Reinstall my OS?
S: As a proof of principle. So tomorrow when we do it on my computer, we need not waste any time.
M: ... No I'm not going to reinstall my OS just as a test for you.
S: Not a test, a proof of principle.
M: What are you.. I'm sorry, I don't have time for this tonight.
S: Just a proof of principle!!
M: Ok see you.11 -
Me, a 19 year old student at a meeting with a "potential new project" today:
Her: So, we would like a website where people could rent a conference room, and pay for it on the website. After they have paid, we want automated emails to go out to us and the person that rents the room. We basically want an automated rental system.
Me: Sounds fair, what kind of budget do you have in mind?
Her: Well because you are a student and you still live at home, we have a budget of about €200 (~$220). We thought it'd be fair because you don't really need an income yet.
At that point I slowly tried to fade away from the meeting... Please help me 😭22 -
I fucking hate python and myself even more. Python is easy they say, Python has nice syntax but fuck you . Fuck you seriously I cringe if I see non-c-like syntax. Every time I leave my comfort zone I get fucked over by damn semicolons. Fuck this imports i don't know your damn library. But god damn In far too advanced for hello world. There are two versions and the lib I want to use is incompatible? Well fuck me? That kind of shit never hit me on PHP. Damn me! Fuck you python. I want to know you but you fuck me harder than life. GEHÖRT? DU FICKST MICH HÄRTE ALS DAS LEBEN DU HURENSOHN!!!!
What is even your problem? Indentation? Well thank you for not having braces! I mean come on I try, I really do. I know you are different but every thing I want to learn about you is either for uber beginners or so advanced I don't even know what's going on. Do magical shit in a few lines? What the fuck is in those packages? A wizard full filling whishes like "plz make this work"?
But don't worry you cum snorting unicorn as much as I hate you I'm more mad about me for not being a descendant of fucking slytherin!16 -
Me: I'd like a new phone please.
Manufacturer: Okay, what do you look for in a phone?
Me: Well as long as the other specs are good, it's important to have a headphone port, SD card slot, and removable battery.
Manufacturer: Okay, fingerprint scanner. Got it.
Me: What?
Manufacturer: The only thing you want is a fingerprint scanner?
Me: No I don't care about that, what I want is-
Manufacturer: A fingerprint scanner, we know. Every device needs one.
Me: But-
Manufacturer: Shhh... Don't worry, we know our customers.29 -
> in da zone, headphones beating, caffeine rushing through my veins, snack-stack at 75%, code and commands flowing like campaign promises, I'm one with the keyboard... I can feel it ~(◉_◉)~
roomie: Hey J! J!
me: ಠ_ಠ I'm kinda busy, what do you want?
roomie: Dude don't forget to pick up bla bla bla
me: Okay
> Headphones back on, feeling the h4ckx0r fire resurge through my gut like a majestic phoenix (not to be confused with taco tuesday gut fire)
roomie: J...J! dude also make sure bla bla bla
me: ಠ╭╮ಠ I know, you don't need to be so specific with me.
> Headphones on...about to hit play again...
roomie: Dude do you happen to know bla bla bla
(ಥ﹏ಥ)
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
FUCK! just tell me everything at once so I can go back to ignoring you and the irrelevant world around me!
I hate when people do this.8 -
Dad: What are you doing with your life?
Me: Enjoying it. Can you say the same?
My dad degrades me for my programming because he's from 'that generation.' Fuck him, Imma do what I enjoy, cause I'm damn well sure I don't want to end up like him.13 -
Client: "Hey we want you to integrate your product with our system."
Me: "Oh, OK. Where's your API?"
Client: "Here! We even have an outdated .Net SDK, we use XML."
Me: "Ok.. how do we authenticate? What's your OAuth 2.0 endpoint?"
Client: "O auth what?"
Me: " You know, the current standard for REST API authentication and authorisation"
Client: " What's REST?"
*Hungs up*8 -
Wait what's that? You don't use version control on Production servers?
You want me to do what?
You want me to rename every file I have to replace with an underscore and the date after the extension so it looks like this?
SHIT.JAR_01262019
You've got to be fucking kidding me right!?
No?
Oh the production server is down again?
Is it because we're not using the right Jar file?
Well shit, I wonder why that's happening...2 -
Fucking HR interviews. Fucking "tell me about yourself" and pretending to seem interested in what i have to say while you think about how you did it with a guy behind the dumpster.
For fucks sake, i am a developer, i have spent more time with coding language than human language. I speak more to a rubber duck than to my friends. That's what you want to know about me?
I am here to fix your fucking site that uses flash plugin in 2017 and you want me to tell good things about your company?
Do you want me to tell you the details about your site that i got from whois and that your subscribed domain registration will end in September this year?
You don't know what responsive design is and you dare interview me?
Thanks for wasting my time and telling me shit about your company and how you have offices in germany and china. Well guess what? I dont care. I am busy thinking about some girl... Actually i am thinking about my side project. I dont know why i pretend to be cool?7 -
Marketing coworker: We MUST integrate with XYZ
Me: sure, they have a REST API and OAuth2. What part of our system do you want to integrate with XYZ?
coworker: Emmm... I don't know. Everything
Me: ...okay. What does XYZ even do?
coworker: Emmm... our customers use it, so we have to integrate with them.
Me: fine. I'm reading that XYZ has function ABC and PQR. Which one do our customers use?
coworker: ABC, definitely ABC
...
coworker: Our customers say nothing is working!
*looks into the problem*
Me: That's because they're using PQR and not ABC.
This kind of research is NOT my job, it's YOURS5 -
Me and my girlfriend's pillow talk about memory leaks
Me: **... So garbage collection is a means to stopping a memory leak from occuring
Gf: what 's a memory leak ?
Me: a memory leak is like when you want a pizza, and the guy gives you pizza. But you don't eat the pizza and you ask for another pizza. You keep doing this repeatedly. Until the pizza guy realizes what you're doing and decides to kill you. He then takes back all his pizzas
Gf: why would you do that though?
Me: Lazy ass programmers who don't clean up after themselves.6 -
got a call from a recruiter for a job. said "wokey, let's see what you got to offer"
get to the interview, the first question is "why do you want to work in our company?"
me: i don't know, you called me!1 -
I’m getting fucking tired of having this conversation:
Company “we need x”
Me “ok. In order to deliver x I need y”
Company “we can’t do that”
Me “ok. Then can I have y”
Company “nah ah”
Me “what about Q?”
Company “nope”
Me “okay. Well until you decide to provide me with the resourcing needed, this is getting deprioritized”
Company “wait this needs to be top of mind”
Me “okay. Provide me with y, and I’ll deprioritize other work”
Company “wait we also need that other work”
Me “you’re only getting one. Pick which one you want first”
Company “we’ll get back to you”
Me (muttering) “no you won’t”
Company “what?”
Me “what?”10 -
Guidance counselor at school: so what field do you want to go into?
Me: computer science
GC: what does that entail?
Me: programming
GC: that's like super repetitive, right? You're a smart kid don't do that
In my head: no you mf dingle-dong. That's the job that will take your job away from you in the next 5 years
Ffs, why do people think coding and entering data into Excel are the same things?6 -
Dad: “Hey son.. I have this new software called blablablu.."
Me: "yeah?.."
Dad: "well it's not working.. there's an error and it's not doing what I want.."
Me: "okay.. I don't know.. sorry.. I don't know that software.. I can't help you.."
Dad: "you're studying computer science... you should know what to do.."
You ****ing serious?! -.-14 -
My mother seems to disengage her brain when using a computer, so you must give instructions in exacting detail...
Me: Close that window.
Mom: Um, ok?
Me: ... Click the little red button at the top left...
MS Word: Save document? Yes / No
Mom: ... Now what?
Me: Well, do you want to save that?
Mom: Yes! ...
Me: ... so... click Yes...
... and I die a little more inside...5 -
Based on a true story that happened right now.
Dad: "how do i download youtube videos?"
Me: "just google youtube downloader and download them from some site, thats how i do it"
Dad: "WHAT!!??? You want me to fucking google it? I dont know how to fucking google for those things, you're the IT guy and you should know how to do this, if I wanted to google it i wouldnt ask you for help. You know what, get the fuck out of my face i dont need ur help, get out"28 -
Me: Baby, I can't do what you want me to because I need to learn how to use Github and it is taking longer than it should.
Girlfriend: Don't feel bad, maybe you're just not ready to commit yet.
Me: Laugh and die a little inside because I understand the pun but not the program.5 -
Business guy: hmmm, what do you think about getting the programmers to come to the office more often?
Me: uhhhh explain?
BG: feels like when working from home they might only give it their 90%, but in the office they'd do 100%.
Me: let's not talk about how you reached that conclusion for now. If you force them to come more often they will quit.
BG: what about the new people we want to hire?
Me: most jobs have full remote available, why would anyone pick us?
BG: hmmm. Btw next week we'll talk with some stakeholders about trying to get some outsource help. You know, for repetitive stuff that doesn't require in-house engineers.
Me: like what?
BG: you know, repetitive stuff
This is suffering. Is my only choice to tell the guy that he has no clue what he is talking about, should STFU, and let the technically capable people to handle themselves? As in, we already do but for some reason he still thinks he knows better than the people doing the god damn job? But if I do so, the salinity in his blood will bring other problems upon us.10 -
Agile in practice.
I finished my story with 3 days left in our 2 week sprint.
Me: What story should I pull in next?
PM: Story <number> to add <new feature>
Me: ok, sounds good
PM: Will you finish it before our sprint ends?
Me: No, probably will take me 5-7 days.
PM: But it can't spill over, it will make our metrics look bad.
Me: I can't finish it in 3 days.
PM: ....
Me: Can't you just explain the spillover as us working ahead?
PM: It will look bad on our <automated-report>
Me: ....
Me: So don't want me to get started on <new feature>?
PM: ....
Me: <internally sighing> What do you want me to do?
PM: Maybe you can pair program with <Overpaid-Idiot-Programmer> to help finish their story
Me: ....
Me: feelsbadman.jpg14 -
Managers: fullStackClown!!!! The image uploader on the dashboard at <insert 3rd party service here> isn't working!!!!!
fullStackClown: Yeah? What do you want me to do about it?
Managers: Well, fix it!
fullStackClown: ... * sigh * Well, in case you didn't realize, I don't work at <insert 3rd party service here>, so... unless you want me to go work for them instead of you absolute clowns (which I dream about daily), I cannot help you further in this matter.
Managers: ...
fullStackClown: ...
Kill me. 🤡6 -
How it is to be a dev in my country?
At bit of an odd question this week.
For me (in the USA), it's being technical support for *every* website my family uses.
Over the weekend my wife visited her aunt and I get a call.
Wife: "How do I create an ebay account?"
Me: "I don't like where this is going. We already have an account."
Wife: "Not for me, dummy, Aunt T. She found some books she wants to buy on ebay."
Me: "You go thru the process to create an account? Email, name, password, etc."
Wife: "We tried that, but it's not working."
<few seconds of silence>
Me: "Oookaaay...why isn't it working? Is there an error?"
Wife: "I don't know, we already clicked off of it. Something about the email."
<few more seconds of silence>
Me: "Can you reproduce the error and tell me?"
Wife: "Uggh..are you serious? We've done it like 10 times, its not working. Just tell me what I need to do."
Me: "If you can't tell me the error, I can't help you. I'm not there and can't see what you see."
Wife: "Stop being an asshole."
<Aunt T takes the phone>
T: "Said something about using another email address. Does that help you?"
Me: "Are you sure you don't already have a ebay account?"
T: "No, I don't think so. I hate ebay. but I really want these books. I don't want the same problems as last time."
Me: "Last time?"
T: "Yes, I bought a coffee cup on ebay from China and it never arrived."
Me: "OK, so you do have an account?"
T: "I don't know, I mean, I never got the cup."
Me: "What email address did you use? I'll send a 'remind me' email so you can reset the password and login"
<go thru the motions, she is able to login>
T: "Ahhh...I do have an account! There are the golf balls I bought for <husband> for Christmas."
<face smack>
Wife: "Why didn't you do this from the start? I thought you knew a lot about computers. We basically figured this out ourselves. Goodbye!"
<click>11 -
Shitty call
Me: what do you want?
Q: I Lost my iphone
Me: (already pissed) ok,do you have an icloud account?
Q: Yes, but i forgot the password.
Me: what!?!, ok, fine, we will reset it, which is your ID?
Q: I lost it too.
*stay calm* *stay calm*
Me: I can't help you go to an apple store and ask there. *I Close the call*
*Add that number to blacklist*2 -
Friend: hey can you make me a website?
Me: sure, what is it for?
Friend: 'whatever the site is for'
Me: Ok, what are the different tabs you want for the navigation bar?
Friend: Ummm... Idk yet
Me: Ok... So do you have an idea what you want the website to look like?
Friend: Ummm just make it look pretty
Me:undefined guess will try something i'm a programmer not a designer areyoureallyreadyforwebsite whyevenask am i the only one here2 -
I was contacted by a college senior guy (he was part of the core team of the club that I recently joined in my college).
Him: Do you want to launch your own startup?
Me: Yeah, I would love to.
Him: Nice, Listen. Even I want to start my own company. If you don't know, the current trend is ML and AI . So, I would like to base my startup on an AI application.( He was in his final year )
Me: I haven't tried any ML or AI stuff before.Sorry.
Him: Take 2 months time to study the AI concepts and do the app.
Me: But first, tell me what the AI app is supposed to do?
Him: It can be anything I have to think, you take the AI part and the UI and integration; with your skills and my idea let's build a startup and I will appoint you as the head of Application Development in my company.
*wtf, seriously dude? you want me to build the whole app for you and all you will do is put your fucking startup's name on it. I am building an application all by myself why the f would I ask you to publish it for me*
Me: Okay, I am getting late, I have to leave..
Made sure I didn't meet him again
and I have also came out of that stupid club..3 -
Teacher: "Will this SQL statement work LavaTheif?"
Me: "you need to put a 'WHERE id.."
T: "but will it work like this?"
Me: "well it wont do what you're trying to do, so it wont work properly"
T: "so will it work?"
Me: "no."
T: "wrong. It will work, but it will change everything in the database, which we dont want"
Thats what I was saying??
Also, he spent 50 mins out of our hour lesson explaining how to use SELECT, INSERT, UPDATE, and DELETE. I just wanted to get on with the work tbh.7 -
Customer: The pages x and y are not displayed in the menu of my website.
Me: I've added another menu level. This level wasn't planned. Your pages will now be displayed.
Customer: Do you think I have too much menu levels?
Me (what I want to say): YES. You have too much of EVERYTHING! Too much menu levels, too much useless pages, too much bad formatting, too much different font colors in one fucking sentence! Your website is crap at all.
Me (what I said): No, it's okay.
I hate customers.2 -
Recruiter: You cought my attention because of your positive profile. And my client is looking for someone with your profile. Attachment: java_developer.pdf
Me: What exactly did you like about my profile? I can tell by the filename that the company is looking for java developers. Which is neither what I can do nor what I am willing to do.
Recruiter: This isn't clear by your profile, what do you want to do?
Me: Me profile has exactly two programming languages, JavaScript and Objective C.9 -
Just curious, how is it like to work as a developer. I mean, as a profession and not a hobby or freelancing.
From devRant, so far I know that you work in an office, the managers and bosses are assholes, and people always write unmanageable and undocumented code.
What else is it like? Do you get to work alone or do you have to work with people? Do you stay there all day long?
I know its still going to be a while for me, but I want to know how it will be like.24 -
Admin comes to my desk and says:
"Hey the CEO wants to know why is the third party application having issues with our system? He wants you to keep me posted on the matter and let us know when will you fix it."
Me:
"Well I'm working on it, we're having a discussion on Slack about it and I'm quite busy right now"
Admin: "Yeah OK but when will you fix it? The CEO wants to know why didn't you reply yesterday"
Me: "Because I was on leave? You would have known if you saw my calendar"
Admin: "oh well, can you keep me updated with how things go?"
Me: "You can join the Slack channel if you want..."
What the f*CK is wrong with people? Do they even know what vacation time means? Why would the CEO ask the admin to talk to me when I'm sitting two rows from him?3 -
Client(over the phone):- I want an Android app where there job seekers and recruiters.
Me:- sounds reasonable enough, ok
Client:-i want job seekers to apply for the job and recruiters to post the job.
Me(gets a bad feeling);- doable ok.
Client:- and I want an admin user who can see all the users and do everything.
Me(yup there it is):- what do you mean by everything?
Client :- you know everything, talk to recruiters talk to see everyone using the app, you know everything.
Me :- no I don't know this "everything" that you speak of, tell me more, what screens (activity) should that have and stuff.
Client (getting irritated):- everything the admin user usually does.
Me(yare yare daze):- i will show number of users in a graph.
I have a feeling this is not over yet7 -
After doing the work he requested as he wanted he was not happy. So i thought we sit and discuss what he didn't like. I was so wrong.
...
Boss: "...you know what I think you are: a fraud; Masquerading as a developer. The database design you have given is shit. The template I gave you I did in 1 hour. You took half the day."
He gave a simple template to use and he told me to come up with an ecommerce db design via downloading PrestaShop and seeing what is relevant to us.
Me: "what did I do wrong?"
Boss: "you think I don't know what PK means in database design? Why the fuck did you put this here."
Me: "can I expl..."
Boss: "I'm not finished, you been here half the month and what work have you to show for it..."
Me: "I have..."
Boss: "You shut up when I can speaking"
Me: "ok"
Boss: "You have no work to show for the time you have been here. I tell you what to do. I want someone who is proactive. My friend, you will do the work I tell you to do, you understand?"
Me: "yes but can I just say that I have been doing your work I have the contact the various developers as you..."
Boss: " You shut up when your boss is speaking. Can you do this work? (Slightly long pause)
Me: "I can do it. But, I have done the bits of the work you said I do. I was h..."
Boss "don't give me bullshit stories...you haven't done the work..."
Me: "But you have spoken"
Boss:" You know what Im giving you 1 weeks notice if you are not able to do the work. Can you do it?"
That moment!!! I was literally shaking I could have high fived his face with his laptop.
Me: "yes I can"
Boss: "Then get the fuck out of my sight and do it"8 -
This is what happens to overworked PMs.
Me: When users create accounts with social logins, they don’t have passwords in our database. If they try to enter an email and pw on the login form, what do you want the error message to say?
PM: Can we add a modal that says “Your account doesn’t have a password, set one now.” And have a password field?
Me: ☠️ That…would…allow…anyone…to…hijack…an…account…
PM: Right. Never mind.12 -
Business User: Hey can we get a sample output you plan to send us?
Me: yes heres a mock
BU: This doesn't look right, can you use real values?
Me (said nicely): WELL IF WHEN YOU WROTE THE FCKIN REQUIREMENTS WEREN'T SO VAGUE AND ACTUALLY PROVIDED REAL VALUES FOR THE INPUTS WE WOULD GET AND WHAT WE SHOULD OUTPUT USING THEM MAYBE I COULD GIVE YOU A BETTER SAMPLE... AND DO LESS GUESSING ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU ACTUALLY WANT...
BU: Oh I forwarded some data
Me: *looks at input data*
(thoughts) THIS FUCKING MAKES NO SENSE!! NOWHERE DOES ANYTHING LOOK LIKE WHAT YOU WANTED.... HOW ABOUT I PULL MAGIC VALUES OUT OF MY ASS?6 -
Worst part of being a developer?
Everyone thinks you want to freelance a website for them...
Even when you're not a web developer
What do you do?
I write software.
Oh so you're good with computers and stuff?
Yeah
That's p sweet, can you build me a site?
No. 😃3 -
Me and colleague went to coffee shop to work...
C -> colleague
M -> Me
...
C: "do you know what I tell myself when I want to gain the courage to talk to a girl I like?":
M: (gave it some thought) "No what?"
C: "If internet explorer has the courage to ask me to become the default browser! Then what am I afraid of?"
M: "No wonder your relationships are buggy! And full of insecurities!"2 -
Client : I have a scraping project for you...
Me : Yeah tell me which site you want me to scrape and what data from it?
Client : I want you to scrape data from 500 sites
Me : 500 sites...are you serious?
Client : Yeah 500 sites...can you do the job?
Me : ok...for 500 sites...the charge will be $500...
Client : Are you out of your mind? $500 for just 500 sites...I can only give you $5019 -
Holy fuck nvidia. Why the fuck you want me to login to your fucking app in order to download a fucking driver. You also want me to click a fucking link that you sent to my email for verification on every fucking login? Why on earth someone would stole my fucking nvidia account? To see which drivers I use? What the fuck nvidia? Oh wait. DO YOU DARE ASK ME TO SETUP TWO FACTOR AUTH TO SECURE MY ACCOUNT?!? What the fuck? Even if I put my credentials online no one would care to login my fucking nvidia account. Just let me download my fucking driver!6
-
Me: So, tell me more about what you want me to code.
Friend: Well... Do something nice.
Me: Like?
Friend: I don't know, I thought you're the expert...
Me: You motherf...1 -
Interviewer: Sell me this pen
He: Hey do you want to buy this pen ?
Interviewer: No
He: You might need it to write stuff
Interviewer: No, I don't need it.
He: Ok, no problem.. Bye
Interviewer: What are you trying to do?
He: Trying to be a part of a company that doesn't sell stuff to people they don't need or want ..
Interviewer:
He:
Interviewer: Please give my pen back..7 -
Client: Can you build me a custom Wordpress site to look like this WordPress template..
Me: Sure, but why not buy the rights to the template?
Client: I want it custom.
Me: what do you want custom?
Client: the content on all the pages. The template is all in french or something.
Me: kills self.4 -
Me: here's the code.
Sr: allright, looks fairly ok. Just change all *FIELD* modifiers to protected rather than private.
Me: what? Why???
Sr: bcz that's the code style we've adopted.
Me: srsly? If so.. Where do you use private fields then?
Sr: nowhere. We use either protected or public so we could extend any class we want9 -
This rant goes to my best friend.
Fuck you!
You do not fucking argue with people for doing what they like! So what if I want to use linux? What fucking problem does that make? Am I now a hacker fanboy for wanting to use a terminal instead of fucking pointing and clicking on shit like a monkey? Am I not allowed to want my privacy and free open-source? What? I shouldn't browse internet without getting my personal info stolen? Oh, they're tracking criminals? Then why don't you install a camera in your fucking living room so you can help them out? And don't fucking get me started on why I don't want to use Windows 10.
Fuck fucking fuck fuck. I know he's a good friend but this fucking shit gets my blood boiling.8 -
New client: can we go live next month?
Me: do you think you are our only client, or do you want to pay an extra priority fee?
New client: what?
Me: what?
*Crickets"4 -
You can't keep wasting your time on people who do not know what the fuck they want. You could be way more time efficient with serious clients.
*After I have finally deployed the requested features*
Client: Why did it take you two weeks in the end? You said it would take you a couple days.
Me: Because you told me to use my imagination on half of the tasks and you kept wanting me to change what I had created, thus unnecessarily doubling the time it should have taken. Besides that probably the unclear communication and the fact that you rarely called me back after you told me to call you.
Client: So if I tell you, exactly, how I want it next time you'll be able to do it in a couple days?
Me: I'm not sure, that depends on what you want. Tell me, exactly, what you want.
Client: Oh it's not much, I'll let you do your thing for the most.
Me: I can't handle another request, sorry. *Ends call*4 -
While attending a class for mobile app development a couple of months back, the day the teacher (T) unveiled the class project:
T: You must build an Android app. You can do whatever you want.
T: Don't overcomplicate though. For example, online servers won't be valued!
T: But don't make it too easy. For example, don't make a tic-tac-toe. That won't be valued!
T: And remember, you must use device sensors, like the camera, GPS, accelerometer ...
T: But don't just throw the sensor functionality if it doesn't make sense in the app you're building. That won't be valued either!
T: You have one week to think and send me a proposal.
Me: What the fuck do you want me to do then?9 -
What the F**K? Why Marketing department always think they know better than IT Department? They always tell us "What so difficult to do this thing? You guys must have templates and change a few things!"
Let me give you some insight here, that this guy is the guy who buy website templates from programmers, change things and upload the site to Bluehost or Wordpress, That's all he do.
Our Software Archictect, colleagues and I personally went from "What the f***?" to "Are you f**king Kidding Me? "
Sometimes I just want to tell him this "Hey you mother f**ker, based on your f**king statement , why would you need programmers then? You guys can just buy the templates and change things".....
F**k you Marketing Department!5 -
Do you know what's better than getting work done. HAVING ANOTHER F****ING MEETING ABOUT WHAT WORK NEEDS TO BE DONE!
I COULD'VE HAD MOST OF THIS SHIT DONE BY NOW BUT I HAVE TO SPEND 1/2 OF EVERY DAY JUST EXPLAINING WHAT THE F***K I'M DOING, WHAT THE F**K EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING, AND THEN EXPLAINING WHY IT HASN"T BEEN F***ING DONE!
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS LEAVING WHY YOU CAN'T RETAIN ANYONE? YOU HIRED THEM AS FREAKING ENGINEERS PROMISING THEM THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THINGS AND THEY SPEND ALL DAY IN F***ING MEETINGS WASTING THEIR IQ AND WISHING FOR DEATH!
GGAAAHHHHH! BY THE EMPEROR PLEASE COMMISSAR END ME!4 -
Pattern I'm noticing...
*email* Hey, can you help me with my code, I don't know why it's not working...*end email*
no comments. if you wrote the shit and don't know what the blazes it's doing, how am i supposed to know what you broke? I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you were thinking when you wrote the code.
true, I could go through and read it and try to figure it out, but then i'll be cranky and much less likely to want to help you in the future because you're causing unnecessary work, and part of my job is to get you ready for work environments, and I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING POWER TO MAKE YOU THE ONE PERSON THAT EVERYONE DOESN'T HATE, BUT I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER BECAUSE YOU'RE PISSING ME THE HELL OFF.1 -
oh you want a code challenge for the interview? sure let me do that just like the 5 other companies i've had to do that for
like dude, look at any one of my multiple websites, saas apps, or mobile apps i've shipped. obviously i know what i'm doing7 -
Mom: what is it you do exactly?
Me: I make web sites and test computers for bugs.
Mom: What is a bug?
Me: it is when a program does something you do not want it to do.
Mom: k, I don't understand how money is made in that. But, you know (random store) is hiring.2 -
Dev slang
Me: Hey “Schatz” (german equivalent to “treasure”, “sweety”)
Schatz: Yes?
M: What R U doing?
S: Working on my page
M: Oh C (C for “Sí”, what is “Yes” in spanish)
S: && U?
M: null (nothing)
* several Simpsons memes later *
S: Schatzy (female schatz, me), (Want to go to Amy Winehouse tributte) == true
M: !C
S: Why?
M: Cuz I !like it
S: oh, && you.want2Go2TheCinema == true
M: !false
S: True ^_^
M: When?
S: I !know, Tomorrow at !morning?
M: !not cool
S: !hate you
M: Me !neither
Note: Schatz it’s also a dev (Php dev)
What do you think? Should we all promote a “developer slang”? Which phrases would you like to add?5 -
HR: you didn’t write in your job experience that you know kubernetes and we need people who know it.
Me: I wrote k8s
HR: What’s that ?
…
Do you know docker ?
Do you know what docker is ?
Do you use cloud ?
Can you read and write ?
Are you able to open the door with your left hand ?
What if we cut your hands and tell you to open the doors, how would you do that ?
What are your salary expectations?
Do you have questions, I can’t answer but I can forward them. Ask question, ask question, questions are important.
What is minimal wage you will agree to work ?
You wrote you worked with xy, are you comfortable with yx ?
We have fast hiring process consisting of 10 interviews, 5 coding assessments, 3 talks and finally you will meet the team and they will decide if you fit.
Why do you want to work … here ?
Why you want to work ?
How dare you want to work ?
Just find work, we’re happy you’re looking for it.
What databases you know ?
Do you know nosql databases ?
We need someone that knows a,b,c,d….x,y,z cause we use 1,2,3 … 9,10.
We need someone more senior in this technology cause we have more junior people.
Are you comfortable with big data?
We need someone who spoke on conference cause that’s how we validate that people can speak.
I see you haven’t used xy for a while ( have 5 years experience with xy ) we need someone who is more expert in xy.
How many years of experience you have in yz ??? (you need to guess how many we want cause we look for a fortune teller )
Not much changed in job hunting, taking my time to prepare to leetcode questions about graphs to get a job in which they will tell me to move button 1px to the left.
Need to make up some stories about how I was bad person at work and my boss was angry and told me to be better so I become better and we lived happy ever after. How I argued with coworkers but now I’m not arguing cause I can explain. How bad I was before and how good I am now. Cause you need to be a better person if you want to work in our happy creepy company.
Because you know… the tree of DOOM… The DOMs day.5 -
A recipe for COMPLETELY hacking me off - ask for help, pretend my advice is bollocks, then rephrase it as your own and follow it up with a smart arse comment.
"Almond, could you lend me a hand with this regex? I'm trying to match this particular group, but only if it doesn't have 'foo' after it."
"Sure, take a look at negative lookaheads - that sounds like it's exactly what you need"
"Nah that won't work for me, because I need to check for more than one character after it, I need to check for 'foo'"
"What? That doesn't make sense, you can..."
"Ah don't worry, I've found the answer by myself now, I can actually just add '?!' before the text I don't want to match and it'll do it - I'm fast becoming a regex expert here! Let me know if you want me to explain this to you"
DAHHHHHHH THAT IS A NEGATIVE LOOKAHEAD YOU CRETIN2 -
Manager: I want you to make an architecture diagram for this system
Me, not sure what diagram but ok asking my senior then
Senior: You know those diagrams you learned in uni? Yeah, do whichever you think is suitable
Me, left to my own devices, makes a shitty use case and sequence diagram
Manager: We don't actually do diagrams like yours here. But I like it so lets stick with it.
😱 Ok. Cool.5 -
Customer support people are weird.
They ping "Hi" and just leave it at that!
Wtf do you want me to do with your "Hi".
Is it something urgent I need to look at? Or some generic query?
But I won't fucking know that, unless I reply to your stupid context-less greeting. Because you can't bother to take an extra minute to type. Even worse when it is outside my work hours.
If I do decide to reply I am already online and lost my leverage on deciding whether it's actually urgent or not!
Fuck you Karen from support and fuck you Kumar.
And fuck you junior devs! Don't fucking "Hi. There?" me bitch! Type what you want I'll reply if it's worth it and when I have time to.5 -
It's a new semester and the introductory class for a General Ed is going on.
Prof: What do you want to be when you are done with engineering?
Me: I'd like to be in the security domain but I'm still not sure.
Prof: Then why are you doing Computer Science? You can just get a job as a security personnel.
FML.2 -
Spotify premium ad: "Subscribe to Spotify premium and you can skip any number of songs you want. We won't take it personally."
Actually you do!
What I skip and what I listen through tells your machine learning what I like and what not. That's how it builds my listening profile.
So your (software's) opinion of me directly depends on what and how much I skip.
(I expect that skips from people skipping often to have less value than from seldom skippers.)
That sounds like the definition of "taking it personally"!7 -
Me: I want to be a dev..
Mom: But you only sit in front of the computer to play games.
Me: That's not what I always do.
Mom: Then why are you sitting behind the computer all the time.
Me: To make software. Most of the time you clearly see me typing code.
Mom: No, I can't trust you, you play too much games. Study hard and get another job.
Me: *Middle finger behind a back.*5 -
Client:
We want you to use the code you used 3 years ago to deliver a similar feature for a different company and then it means we can do this properly because you can just copy and paste it for our needs.. we can pay you a few dollars but we really know what we need so the cost should be very small.
Me:
What the fuck.3 -
A new day, and a new "specification" written by the most unspecific architect ever. I don't understand what you want me to do. Use your words. Be SPECIFIC. As in SPECIFICation. Twat.2
-
Scenario 1
Friend 1:"Hey, you're good at computers right?"
Me:"Erm yup."
Friend 1:"Can you hack Instagram? I've lost my password."
Me:"Oh My God."
Scenario 2
Me looking at a friend's unity C# code
Me:"You know there's an enter key right? Why is your code horizontal not vertical?"
(Means that after a semi-colon he continues his code)
Friend 2:"I like to read my code in horizontal, that feels natural to me"
Me:"What ever, as long as it works. But why do you have so many if function inside another if function?"
Friend 2:"Cuz I want the player to do this while moving"
Me:".........."3 -
Customer: Do you have a 2GB RAM stick?
Me: Yes, we do. Do you know what you have and what you need?
Customer: Yes, I have a one-zero-two-four M-B stick and a two-zero-four-eight M-B stick.
Me: So... a 10-24 Meg stick and a 20-48 Meg stick
Customer: Yes.
Me: Ok.... and do you know if it's going to be DDR2 or...?
Customer: Yes, DDR2.
Me: Okay, yes, we do have some. And will you want us to install it?
Customer: No. I can install it. I've been putting computers together for 30 years, so I think I can do it.3 -
Best of NPC recruiter, 4/11:
Recruiter: I was impressed with your background and industry experience and thought you would be a perfect fit for our series A startup *10 minute drone of how awesome they are*
Me: *eyeglazing over* What role is this?
Recruiter: What roles are you looking for? Where do you see yourself in 3 years? We're looking for a program manager or dev lead to manage a team"
Me: I'm looking for an SDET role.
Recruiter: ......*silence* so you want to run scripts, hmm.... Well, looks we don't have an exact fit at the time, but let's keep in touch for future opportunities! You never know when you'll -
Me: ... Why did you even contact me? What about my profile struck you as being aligned to anything you were looking for?
Recruiter: Well, you have a master's in CS and worked at [BigN#1] and [BigN#2] and -
Me: Thank you for your time, been a pleasure *hang up*
I want my 15 minutes back.5 -
I have been working 9 months as consultant for a company thru a vendor. The contract will finish in two weeks, the company want to continue working with me, I can't be hired directly, should be thru a vendor. The problem is that today I confirmed that this vendor bill the company the double and want me to sign again with them for the same rate, I can't switch to another vendor because there is a non-compete clause. What would you do in my case? I feel like that squirrel12
-
Sometimes I don't want my co-workers to see the notes I write on a meeting, for several reasons: Maybe they might have bad intentions (yes, I'm a little bit paranoid), or sometimes I wrote stupid stuff just to concentrate or remember things faster, or I want to practice my cyrillic alphabet.
What do you think? how do you take "secret" notes on a meeting? Any slav in here that could tell me if he/she understands my calligraphy? XD24 -
I do IT work along side my dev work. I had a Dr come up to me and ask me if I had time to help him pick out a personal computer... (Mother fucker I am on lunch break) "Sure" I say... "What's your budget, what will you be doing with the computer?" Dr - "I don't mind spending $6,000 and I want it for minor gaming..."
MUST BE FUCKING NICE!5 -
We're no strangers to code
You know the conventions and so do I
A full commit is what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other dev
I just want to tell you about my problem
Gotta make you solve it for me
Never gonna git you up, never pull you down
Never gonna rant around and rebase you
Never gonna merge your branch, never gonna say $#@*!!
Never gonna risk a cry and build you2 -
Trying to install .NET Framwork 3.5 and this message comes up *headdesk*
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MICROSOFT!?7 -
Me talking with my manager for handover before I leave. Just found out, there is an interview for my position, full stack dev.
No one bother asking me or the manager for tech interview and general manager from business interview alone by herself.
Manager: Do you code?
Poor soul: Yes, I do.
Manager: You are hired!
Shit, now I want to know what they ask to tech candidate without tech ppl.6 -
The things we take for granted... I was laughing my tits off at my mate taking a screenshot this is how it transcribed :)
My mate:
morning!
Me:
morning mate 🙂
My mate:
how are you getting on?
Me:
not bad thanks, bit knackered but good 🙂
My mate:
the band was good then lol. how do i take a screen shot buddy?
Me:
there's print screen button on the top right of the keyboard
My mate:
what will it be under?
Me:
it's a button
on the keyboard
print screen
prt scr or something
My mate:
no when i want to use it
Me:
??
My mate:
what file/folder
Me:
you have to open something like paint
paste it in
save it 🙂
My mate:
urghh
fuck doing all that
you do it
Me:
hahaha
My mate:
haha
Me:
I'm all good 😀
just open paint
ctrl+v
save
that's it
My mate:
i just got a killer score on wows lol i want to post it to the group
so i go to the game screen take a shot by pressing that button then go to paint and do what?
i dont even have paint lol
Me:
don't know what it's called in Windows 10
My mate:
ahh fuck it
Me:
burger nipples
My mate:
why doesnt it just pop up on your downloads or pictures ffs
Me:
it might do in Windows 10 I don't know 😀
doubtful though
My mate:
it has done for other ones
for other games it has
Me:
sometimes the game has it built in
depends on so many things haha
My mate:
nailed it!!
i just hit the right click then hit paste and it came on to the post haha
no fucking about
Me:
Congrats ;)8 -
Glad someone is suing them. Why the fuck would apple treat devs like shit. Why do you want 30% of every penny I make? Then why the fuck do I have to pay you $100 every year? And what about not allowing me to choose my own payment system? Some are understandable but you still can't threaten to remove app from store if the dev don't want to do what's profitable for you.
So many examples of victims - Hey, Spotify and there's a ton of independent devs out there who have been exploited so far.
Your platform is attractive to users because of those thousands of devs who build apps despite your greedy policies, so fucking treat them with respect.20 -
Boss: "do you have a minute?"
Me: "sure"
Boss: "I have this problem, can you just stop doing whatever you are doing and fix it for me?"
Me internally: *no I don't, what I'm doing right now is fixing another one of your problems for which you've interrupted other work already"
Me: "Yeah sure, gimme some time"
Can't afford to fail my internship and I don't want a shitty work environment which I why I don't speak my mind...
But man this is tiring...2 -
Me: so, what are you doing as a developer?
Him: I am full-stack developer, basically ROR...
Me:...! Sorry, do you mean R&D, research and development? Or you mean Aroura DB?
Hi: no man, I am expert in ROR! You can not call your self developer in our days without knowing the on demand technologies!
Me:... Sorry dude, can you please tell me what is ROR, I don't want to lose my title as a developer!!!?
Him: OK, we call Ruby On Rails as ROR.
Me: ~¢°¤”©°$®”«2 -
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS SCRUM, WHY DO MANAGERS KEEP USING IT, WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO MICROMANAGE AND MEET ARBITRARY DEADLINES THAT ARE TANGENTIAL TO THE MAIN PROJECT???!!!?!12
-
God: you qualify for reincarnation. What advice from past life do you want me to retain in your memory ?
Me: never forget to write those unit tests!2 -
*At the daily status meeting*
Manager: I don’t have anything to table or anything I want to ask about. I honestly don’t know what the point of this meeting even is.
*Throughout every other living breathing moment of time*
Manager: Hey, I had an idea
Manager: Hey, I wanted to get your thoughts on something
Manager: Hey, what do you think about…
Manager: Hey, what are you currently working on?
Manager: Do you think you could just *sneak* in this new feature request and have it to me by EOD?
Manager: Hey, I just sent you an email
The email: Hey I think I found a bug, it’s with image alignment in Microsoft Word and it’s pretty breaking to my productivity report. Do you think you could take a look right now? Thoughts?5 -
I don’t live in the EU, but hearing all the complaints about article 11, 13, etc. is really vexing me.
Article 11 in particular.
Why the hell would you force companies to pay taxes for linking? Why the hell would you tax websites for including sources? Do you want no sources? Do you want misinformation to become a bigger problem? What the hell is wrong with whoever proposed that bill!?!?
The internet is a place for relative freedom. A place of message boards and communities we’ve created. To impede that (beyond making sure it doesn’t facilitate hanious crimes) is just plain wrong.7 -
Conversation with coworker at a staff function...
girl: ...we can't wait to see what you can do!
Me: Great! I can't wait to get stuck in, but you know, those exports you wanted from it, that doesn't have to wait. If you need that straight away, come to my desk and I'll make some queries for you and pull out the data you want...
Girl: o_0
Girl: ... Omg, you can do that?! You're awesome!!
Me later: o_0 - the Dev before me could never at least do that?!6 -
Head of HR for a company I’ve never heard of has hounded me for days on Cord.io.
I’ve kept fobbing her off and showing disinterest but she kept on about how they’re so interested in talking to me because they need people with my experience. Blah blah.
I finally give in and arrange a call.
First question she asks is “So why do you want to work for us ?”
Wait, what ????
You came to me! I’ve never even heard of this tin shed company.4 -
This is just one I had with my cousin who came for a visit.
Cousin: Yo bro, I want you to hack my girlfriend's Facebook?
Me: Lol, and why is that?
Cousin: I think she's cheating on me with this guy. I've seen her replying to him on fb messenger.
Me: Lol, ask her about it then if that's what you think.
Cousin: She won't talk bro. That's why I want you to hack her Facebook or even her phone so I can see who she's talking to.
Me: I can't bro.
Cousin: So you're not going to help me?
Me: Not that bro. I can't hack Facebook. I don't know how to do that stuff.
Cousin: But you have Bachelor's in CS and I've seen you writing those stuff on your computer....uhm, the code thing.
Me: Yeah, but those were school and personal programming projects. Not hacking stuff.. they're not the same.
Cousin: Oh man, what about her phone?
Me: Nope, can't do that either.
Cousin: But I've seen you hacking your Android phone... (*He saw me root my phone*)
Me: *face palm*3 -
I've been programming for a career and as a hobby for more than two years now. I want to start contributing to some projects on Git hub, but I'm not sure where to start. What advice do you have for me for first starting out on Git hub?6
-
The story of how I stumbled onto devrant:
Not long ago I was struggling with visual studio and did not know what to think, do or say. The only thing I wanted to do was scream while I banged my laptop against the wall. Just before doing that I googled "fuck Vs fuck Microsoft" and I was introduced to devrant. Something about reading the rqnts of frustrated developers made me calm (It also made me laugh). So what I really want to say is: thank you devrant for saving my money.3 -
Owner of the company I freelance for: The proposal I sent yesterday to [PR Company we do work for] got bounced back. They said it was incomplete.
Me: Well no shit, they didn't provide us with a detailed itinerary of everything they need, nor did they give us access to sections that they want copied to the new website. I can't and won't provide a full quote when I don't have all the information needed to build one. I would be guessing at this point and it would be shitty guesses.
Owner: Here's a proposal they got from another company. We need to make it like this [sends file].
Me: They mention a one sentence footnote about what I laid out. Everything else is marketing jargon that I don't know, because I'm a developer, not a marketer. I'm not sure what it is you want me to do, because you're asking the wrong person.
Owner: Are you going to help me or not?
Me: Help you with what? You got my notes. Paraphrase them if you need to, but I have more important things on my agenda, like being a web developer, not a proposal drafter. -
Fucking hell everything in java is so annoying, confusing and hard to get working. I just want to use JavaFX, why do you require me to sacrifice a lamb in order to do so? It might be my fault though, but c'mon, I don't want to spend 2-3 hours reading through shitty documentation in order to understand how maven works and what the hell Gradle is. Why can't it be as simple as adding a module name to a config file, like in Rust's Cargo? Even using intellij to acquire JavaFX and set it as a dependency doesn't work, it gives me some weird "JavaFX not configured" bullshit error. What the fuck, you're a library, you shouldn't need anything else ffs6
-
I just got trolled by Amazon.
LOL and FML.
Be me, super busy with tons of things to do trying to prioritize tasks and jiggle jaggle from one thing to another.
Then i get a call from an Amazon representative, which I know:
Her: You should join the AWS Founders Club, you will get a lot of benefits.
Me: I don't really want to, I already looked into it and the process is long.
Her: You should do it, you got what it takes. Just register through this link..
Me: O.k.
1 day later
AMAZON: Unfortunately, we have to inform you that at this time we aren't able to accept your application. Though your startup story is impressive, your startup isn't at the right place in its journey to benefit from what the AWS Founders Club can offer.
WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME!
I didn't even want to join in the first place!!! What is this next level of trolling?!5 -
Went to the mall with mom the other day,
Mum: so what do you want?
Me: (pointing to stress ball) that ball
Mum: stop embarrassing us, are you a kid?
Me: they are stress balls
Mum: take a pill or exercise if you stressed
My mind: I told you not to go the mall with your, fucking kid....
devrant a ni**a really need them stress balls9 -
Me: man, I really want to work on my project but I don't know what to do
Brain: You should document your code, it doesn't have a single fucking comment, you stupid lazy fuck
Me: oh ok, I will do that ...1 -
Me: So... do you want a website, right?
Client: Yes!
Me: ...but you don't know how it should look, right?
Client: Ehm... correct.
Me: ...and you don't even know what color should I use?
Client: Exactly!
Me: ...and of course you can't link me a website you like which I can base on.
So now I have to invent something randomly that somehow will be the exact same thing you would like to see. Nice.1 -
If you are working on multiple projects a great tool to make you very productive and keep organized is a simple checklist.
For many years I have jotted one down each and every morning listing what I want to accomplish that day. I even include simple items. Crossing each task out as I complete it gives me a sense of accomplishment.
Checklists have enabled me to complete projects at work and many free and commercial side projects including software and technical books.
Do you use checklists? If there is a particular type you like?15 -
A couple of days ago I needed a RS232 to USB adaptor.
Went to a store:
Me: Do yo have any RS232 to USB adaptor?
Him: Only to USB-C
Me: Ok... Now I just need a USB -> USB-C adaptor
Him: But what kind of TV do you want to connect?
Me: Wait. WHAT?
Him: Yea, you want a VGA to USB? Why do you need that?
Me: No, RS232, I don't need VGA...
Him: Ah... ok, no... we don't have any...
(Funny story... almost the same happened in 3 stores in a row....)
fml8 -
Arguing with my girlfriend (recalled from my mind, not 100% accurate)
she: What do you expect when you buy an android?
Me: sure thing apple is more "unpack it, use it", easy to use - but android is more like an empty canvas. The first thing when I buy it is setting it up to my needs.
she: You don't understand, what do you expect from your android device?
me: It has to be affordable and work for a certain time
she: No I mean, do you.. when you unpack your phone, expect it TO WORK?
me: Sure, it's not like I buy a pile of trash, I expect it to work
she: you're too stupid, baka
me: ... ? *confused*
she: When you say it is like a canvas, isn't a canvas someday full?
me: yes, every phone, iPhone, Pixel, Samsung, every phone has a limited memory
she: *mad* you don't get it, silly
me: I want to but heh, I don't get it10 -
Operations: Can you exclude some user records for the website? These are obsolete and we don’t want users to access these anymore.
Me: So what are you using to indicate the record is obsolete?
Ops: We changed the last name field to say “shell record - do not use.” Sometimes it’s in the first name. Actually, it gets truncated to “shell record - do not u”.
Me: A…text field…and you’re totally ok with breaking user accounts…ok ok cool cool
Not cool 😳😬🤬 I’m not causing more chaos because your record keeping has gotten messy12 -
I'm so sick of being forced to use CSS frameworks at work. Every time I see one of those HTML elements with 87 terribly-named CSS classes, I want to scream and break something
What's wrong with Vanilla CSS? Why is it so unpopular to just stick with plain CSS, I feel like I'm infinitely more productive when I can just write out some short CSS than trying to wrangle the dumbass CSS framework to do what I want it to do. Even things like Vuetify make me lose my mind with the stupid shit you have to do to get it to behave how you want it
Also, Material Design is ugly as hell to me16 -
Me: what we want our users to do is inherently complex. We can't make it "iPhone-intuitive", this thing needs instructions.
my boss: we have put people on the moon
me thinking: how intuitive do you think that rocket was4 -
A few days ago I had a party with a big part of my good ol' highschool classmates who I almost never spoke to. Let the stories begin:
- Guy who made fun me in when I said I wanted to do computer science: "Man, I wish I had done the same study. It looks fun."
- Guy who has a startup for like 1 year: "Sooo what are you good at, ios/android development? webdevelopment? contact me if you want to work with us.(for free)"
- One of the friendly guys: "Do you have any sites where I can learn some basic programming or something?"
What I thought: WTF HAPPEND IN THOSE 3 YEARS, WHY THE SUDDEN INTEREST IN PROGRAMMING AND STUFF?! ESPECIALLY YOU FIRST GUY!3 -
What the fuck is up with this fucking tour bus company called Akdeniz?
These fucking retards want me to login to instagram etc. to get wifi access. Like wtf. Is not my 30 TL not enough?
Are you really going to save my login data for a few TL? Why would you dipshit people want me to login with my social media account (besides of that I do not even have an Instagram account. Miss me with that gay shit.)
I do not have a fucking fuckbook and a twittermyass.
I hope y'all fucking die by sucking my long ass dick, incompetent braindeads!8 -
Fucking hate when business people says this to me:
- You have no time to do this, we will find somebody else to do it. (EXCUSE ME? how do you know I have no time? If have no time I WILL TELL YOU)
- Your team is too busy, we will outsource that (IF THAT it's a priority, we WILL DO THAT, fuck you, I'll tell you if we need to outsource or not)
- Requirements are too complex to do now. We will think about it and we will tell you, maybe it's just enough to add a column to db (WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS too complex? I didn't even see anything we can call requirement, nor speak with relevant people, so how do you fucking know they are complex if you don't know shit about dev and our platform)
Conclusion
It's true, I have no time, because I don't fucking understand what do you want, so I'm running all day and night doing useless things.2 -
relative: can you help me with my website?
me: ok, what do you need?
them: okay, i have this wordpress homepage that someone made for me and actually, when you go to my image gallery, i only want a simple "back" button that leads to the main page. but i cannot add it via wordpress functionality.
me: okay, i'll make you this button in under 10 minutes, given it doesn't require any fancy design. but i have no experience with messing with wordpress so far... let me check what their templates look like
(after 1 hour): wtf is this mess 😭
...since they only had their production website, i didn't dare to change anything and told them they best hire that dev again 🙈9 -
Do you sense something weird on this dead simple code?
The teacher showed a similar code recently in my C class. It was weird to me since I know C for years. I want to know what you guys think about it.22 -
So i was talking to my client the other day and this is what happened....
Me: So what features do you want in the Progress Tracker in the app.
Client: (takes his IPAD out and opens the FitBit app) This is a really nice progress tracker.
Me: Alright so what features would you like in Progress Tracker, eg: would you maybe like them to check in everyday making sure that they have done exercise or something.
Client: *Shows me his goal in steps (which was 10,000 if anyone was wondering) and shows me other features of the app and not telling me what to do in his own one* These look nice.
Me: Alright so do you want a Step Tracker, Calories Tracker etc.
Client: Nooooo, I want other things.
Me: Ok lets get discussing what are these "other things"
Client: *Continues to show me the FitBit app*
Me: *facepalm* -
A friend just asked me if I can convert a pdf to an image file.
Me: yes sure (easier to do than to ask why)
Me: What format do you want it in JPG or PNG?
Friend: yes
Me: ...
Sometimes it's easier to just do it than to start asking and teaching people how to use computers...3 -
Rewrite of the sync api to REST.
Coworker: “hey, I know you’ve written and maintained our sync module for the past 4 years. Something I need to know? Some hints or knowledge you can share?”
Me: only thing you should not do is x and y. Otherwise you will face problems a and b.”
Coworker: “great, thanks a lot!”
2 months later...
Customer call: “da fuck are you doing? When I do stupid stuff then I face problem z and problem a!!!”
*me checking new code*
*me calling coworker*
Me: “WTF did you do? You asked for my advice and then did exactly what I told you NOT to do.”
Coworker: “oh, let me check the code..”
*coworker calls boss*
Coworker: “Boss, I can’t work with this guy, he starts fights all the time..”
*boss comes to my desk*
Boss: “I don’t want you to work on this anymore, people are complaining.”
Me: “what the fuck, I just asked him a question..”
~ 1 month later
coworker quits because he can’t handle all the bugs he caused and I have to maintain this piece of fucking retard code..3 -
Recruiter: hey I see you once worked in Utah. Boy do I have the job for you. In Utah.
Me: I no longer live in Utah. In fact I fled Utah 16 months into a 24 month contract because that place sucks. I haven't been back in over two years. So I guess what I am saying is no. I do not want your job offer. Please never contact me again unless it's for 6 figures and I don't have to move.2 -
I brought my laptop and stuff to school the other day, it was my final period before school was over and it was more "do what you want" kind of thing. So I was playing with my terminal (since I have Linux) and one of the students came up to me and asked "What are you playing? Is that a game?", luckily I wasn't in that pissy mood so I just tried my best to explain to him what I was doing.6
-
My dad once told me "Computers are stupid because they do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do." and honestly that gets truer the more I mess with 'em.2
-
I have a serious question.
I particularly address Italian ranters.
It's about time to decide what faculty/"subject" I should go to, and I'm uncertain between "Informatics" and "Informatic Engineering".
Does someone know what the differences between the two are, and, given that I want to do as much programming (and so practical stuff instead of theorical stuff) as possible, which of these two faculties should suit me best?
If you're not from Italy, but from other countries, of course that shouldn't stop you from posting a response, if you want to.
How do Universities work there?
Are they like ours, in Italy, or does it work differently?
Thanks for your patience. 💙9 -
Story of my manager and me, in a small poem :
"peek a boo, peek a boo
how many task you got to do?"
"4 tasks" "Do it Fast!
that's all that i ask from you"
"its 4 hours, eod isn't far.
where is that damn coffee, carl?"
"peek a boo, peek a boo
you want coffee, but what about you?"
"one done, heading out for fun"
"2 more tasks i added for you" -
It's great when you see your position being recruited for and after 2 months of scouting management still can't find someone better.
Hate me all you want I'm still the best you've got and apparently the best you're getting.
What are they going to do when I tell them I'm done after this project 😂🖕💯3 -
People: "Well we could put this data in the address book.....?"
Me: "Wait, what does that data have to do with the address book? Does a given address need that data / is it specific to that address?"
People: "No it's not related to addresses ... we just thought we could put it there."
Me: ....
Me: "So if you use that address you always want that specific data you want stored in the address book?"
People: "Oh no it's not tied to addresses."
Me: ....
Me: "So help me out here, when do you use a given piece of data? In the example here, what made you add that information?"
-Silence-
People: "Um, I'm not sure."
Me: "I think it would be a good idea if we found out. That might provide us some important guidance here."2 -
Do you want to run the script? Yes, No, Print. Wait what?
What is the intention of 'print'? Will it print the question out for me? :D5 -
I am turning 16 in 3 months and I want to start freelancing then. I want to earn money and get some experience .
I will still go to school until I have my a levels so I can go to university later.
Do you have any advice for an absolute freelancing beginner? I will probably make websites with HTML and CSS (of course, what the hell else) and react. Nodejs and mongodb for the Backend.
What should I do in these 3 months to prepare myself?
I want to build a portfolio website and learn more about node, especially how to do safe authentication in these 3 months, anything else? Also which websites would you recommend me?26 -
Me: Let's implement this integration test suite in Python since it has got plenty of rich libraries for accomplishing our goals.
Client: Let's use Node.js instead.
Me: With Node.js, we'll need to handle a lot of it's inherent stuff like asynchronous code flows, promises, etc. That's not what we primarily want to achieve.
Client: Let's use Node.js.
Me: Okay. What potential advantages do you see with Node.js?
Client: Umm.. let's just use Node.js?
Me: FML4 -
Need suggestion:
I gave interview in small company. They give me task to complete one project then we will give you job.
It takes me 2 weeks.
Now they are ready to give me job but they want that project in free of cost. What should I do?7 -
Dude I want to ask you , It's possible for me to call myself as a software engineer if I always got a cancer when I try to create HTML template ? I'm suck as fuck on front-end, I can't even create a single HTML template even if you give me help with css framework. I don't know what to do with HTML and CSS, they're totally fucked up my life.14
-
Fuck Angular and everything it represents
I've been working in a large enterprise cooperation for the last year and I fucking hate it
Fuck Angular
Fuck everyone who thinks they are the shit for using this fucking piece of garbage fRaMeWoRk
You can use this shit if you want but shut the fuck up when we want to do a react project
I don't care what frameworks and libraries other people use stay the fuck out of my projects and let me use what ever I like
had to rant 😔29 -
During college, I was unable to compile a program during lab sessions. So I decided to ask the assistance of Technical assistant. He went through my code for like 5 minutes and said :
"You forgot to add Comments"
To which I replied :
"But sir what that does have to do anything with the program"
His reply was :
"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, DO YOU WANT ME TO DEDUCT YOUR LAB MARKS"4 -
Co-worker: At my last job "I was technically lead dev", so don't mind me telling you what to do and criticizing every line of code you write. (He said that in finger quotes. I am also paraphrasing the last part, but you get the gist).
Me: So the fact that we are both level 3 programmers means nothing?
Co-worker: Exactly! See you understand!
Me in my mind: What a prick!
Just a little context there aren't any lead devs at our company, our boss doesn't want any. Also we have been working at this company together for 3 years, and this co-worker just said that to me today, WTF?13 -
Teammate : Eww, I don't like this part, any better ideas ? Something to add or remove ? Have you find something better ?
Me : What about you ? Did you find something ?
TM : ...
Me : You are free to do whatever you want but if you have no idea and don't do anything, STFU, you are just slowing the team down -
Send out some platform accounts. A few days later VIP Support writes me:
VIP: What did you think by writing to our client. He never used the platform or worked with anyone on there. Do you see any deeper sense behind that?!
Inner Me: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU DO AND I DON'T CARE. If your name is on the list, I have to write you your account!!!
Me: Sorry about that. Someone put it on the distributor list. If you want we can delete it, but maybe he needs it in the future to collaborate.
Sorry for any inconvenience
VIP: ...1 -
Please. No. What have you done?
https://github.com/f/...
"I want you to act as an interviewer. I will be the candidate and you will ask me the interview questions for the ________ position. I want you to only reply as the interviewer. Do not write all the conservation at once. I want you to only do the interview with me. Ask me the questions and wait for my answers. Do not write explanations. Ask me the questions one by one like an interviewer does and wait for my answers. My first sentence is 'Hi'"3 -
What the tickets I receive daily are like... -
“You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It’s just common sense.”2 -
Her: How do you make an app?
Me: Well, first you have to decide what language you want to use as the basis for coding it, or what system you want to start on ex: ios/Android
Her: What -
Excuse me?!
You called me to encode this compliance document?
And I'll take care of the contents?
Just follow the format?
And must be submitted to central office/agency? Deadline is today?
Wait, do you know what time is it? It's fvcking 11:40AM PHT and office is only until 5PM.
I'm an IT guy. Your only developer, sysad, and you want me to do a management document? Am I regular like you? Wait, is that even a technical document? Wtf!
I was in the middle of coding and checking our server status when this high-rank employee from the Admin office called me and was told to do this compliance document what has nothing to do with me or even our IT unit. So yeah, this is how crazy some government office work here in PH.2 -
#1 Don't go looking to clear your doubts with your mentor. Instead, try and figure everything on your own. Trust me, that'll teach you a lot more than you think rather than by getting the answers directly spoon-fed to you from your mentor.
#2 Always keep a curious mind if you want to achieve something in what you do. You can't learn anything if you don't have the curiosity to ask the right questions - why? (mostly). Especially if you're just starting your career.1 -
I like my work colleague, great to talk to, bless his heart, however he has this mysterious power to make whatever he writes sound super passive aggressive or aloof. For instance:
Me: this request , to clarify you want me to do this, as per this document
Him: is that what you presume?
Me: 🤨2 -
Hi everyone,
I got an hardware question. Im planning on getting a personal home server. I want to use it as a small gitlab server, continues integration, and the like for personal projects.
It has to be power efficient otherwise my dad will start crying.
I want it to be relatively cheap and running linux.
Ive got no clue what the best thing todo is. Should I get a prebuild one or build one myself.
For prebuild ones, what brands should I look at?
For a custom built what hardware do you recommend me?10 -
@dfox @trogus
Hey, here's a suggestion.
I bet that there are lots of people who cannot afford the supporter ++, monthly cost(like me), but still want that black theme.
And my suggestion is to have another way to get something similar, maybe a gold badge, and you get it when you reach a certain number of ++'s, E.g. 1000.
What do you think?13 -
!dev
I just fucking hate people that have 10 years without talking to me and write me to ask for a favor.
Starting like: hey man how are you doing? Like you give a fuck about the shithole I'm at, just tell me what a fuck do you want and let me go back to my life.6 -
Background story:
One of the projects I develop generates advice based on energy usage and a questionare with 300 questions.
Over 400 different variables determine what kind of advice is given. Lots of userinput and over a thousand textblocks that need to show or not.
Rant:
WTF do you want me to do when you tell me. It's not giving the right advice for the lights.
Why the for the love of.. do I need to ask you everytime. If something is not working. Tell me what and for wich user. Don't tell me calculation whatever is not working, I don't know that calculation. Your calculations are maintainable in your cms.
And how, like I really wonder, do you expect me, when not telling me what user is having this problemen to find and fix it, You just want me to random guess one of the thousands users that should be given that specific advice?
FCK, like 80% of my time solving problems is spend trying to figure out wtf your talking about.
And then what a miricale the function is doing exactly what is it doing but you forgot a variable. It's not like the code I write suddenly decides it does not feel like giving the right answer.3 -
*turns on the TV*
*pop-up blows up in my face: "you have a new message"*
Me: ??
*confusingly presses "View"*
Msg: *Do you know why *some random shit show of a movie* is the most viewed? You can rent it in our video store*
YOU MOTHER FUCKING BRAINLESS ASSHOLES!!! I'M PAYING FOR THAT FUCKING SUBSCRIPTION! MY FUCKING MONEY!! MINE! WHICH I CHOSE TO GIVE TO YOU FOR A VERY SPECIFIC SERVICE!! DO NOT PUSH YOUR BRAINDEAD, GREEDY BULLSHIT ON ME!!! IF I'LL WANT TO WATCH A GOOD MOVIE I'LL FIND IT MY SELF! YOU ARE TO FUCKING RETARDED TO TELL WHAT A GOOD MOVIE IS!!!
GOD DAMN ADS PUSHING SHIT HEADED PEASANTS!!1 -
I had the old "got this great product I've developed, but can't afford a website, could you do it in exchange for a percentage of profits?"
Look, it's your product, I have had no say in its development, or quality or how you market it etc. I do websites and the website will do exactly what you want it to do. I couldn't give a fuck wether you sell one or a million. It's not my risk. Pay me for a site and I'll do it.3 -
Gods are always looking out for me.
I got up at 4am to finish the work.
The meeting is at 9am.
So Gods turn the power off at 6am.
They want me to learn my lesson.
They just want me to plan ahead, manage my time and task wisely.
They just want me to become a better being.
They keep teaching me at every possible opportunities.
Yes, I understood. Yes.
But you know what, Gods?
Fuck you. Big fat ugly smelly fuck you. I can't tell you all to go die because you all are immortal and shit. So fuck you. I will never manage my time. I will always work at anytime anyhow I like. You think you can teach me? LMFAO. LOL. ROFL. You will never win. I will survive all the pain and shit. I will do what I like. So fuck you.2 -
Client: I want a fixed timescale and cost on this project.
Me: OK, what do you need?
Client: We need to integrate our website with our CRM system, which we're in the middle of rebuilding and don't know what data will be available from it. We also want sophisticated Google maps integration, online sale, digital agreement signing and a customer login section that works as a social network for our clients. And we want it in six months time. And an app. And we want you to pitch for free with some initial design concepts. And we want details of you project management strategy.
Me: Ok... Do you know what you want your app to do?
Client: Yes, it's an app! So how much will this cost me?
Me: D':2 -
doing things right seems to be a waste of time
especially considering how fast things change beneath you
for years I've said I should just stop overoptimizing but I've yet to fucking try it. I said this to myself 5 hours ago and what am I doing. I spent the last 5 hours trying to overoptimize for a theoretical scenario that I won't ever even be in, because I haven't even decided what I want to immediately do
how about immediately do something Jesus fuck
next Tuesday this system will have to be rewritten again anyway
how many fucking asset loading systems do I want under my belt
just load the fucking assets
maybe decide on which assets you'll be using first so then you don't overoptimize for "WELL MAYBE ILL LOAD THEM INDIVIDUALLY THEN PUT THEM IN A NICE IMAGE IN RAM FIRST BEFORE I SEND IT OFF TO THE GPU" omg just shut up. just because you can doesn't mean you should. doesn't help everyone using this thing keeps insisting you do it this way. but you don't fucking need to.
actually you know what, I blame them. they kept confusing me with yOu ShOulD do It ThiS WAY. next thing I know I'm walking through every possible conceivable way to do asset loading so I can decide how to load assets and then end up in architecturizing of the perfect system. I didn't want to be on this path. but they told me to be on this path. I blame them
take-away: if you can make it work at all, just use that unless it breaks something. fuck how or for "what" the dumb system is designed. people don't stick to their "designs" anyway -- it's idealism just like free stuff sounds great in theory, but in reality it just shits up everything because it's unrealistic3 -
Rant about IT teacher
(This happened a few months ago)
I go to highschool and in ninth grade you learn about Excel and databases in general. In the first half of the year we learned how to use excel and in the second part of the year we learned about SQL databases.
So we learned SQL and how to set up a database using LibreOffice Base. At the end of the year we had to do one final project which was setting up a database and writing some queries.
We had to do it in groups of two and we had to choose for what we wanted to make a database.
We had like 5 minutes time to discuss it in the groups and me and my friend decided to do something like GitHub, so a database with tables for all the users, repositories, etc.
Then we had to tell our teacher what we wanted to do. Others made databases for hospitals, shops, netflix, app stores. The teacher asked the other groups, they told him what they wanted to do and he wrote it down. Here is how it went down with my group:
Teacher: So what do you want to do?
Me: A database for something like GitHub
Teacher: For what?
Me: GitHub
Teacher: what?
Me (very slowly): G I T H U B
Teacher: what is github?
Me: ...
(I was very surprised that he didn't know GitHub)
Me: well, you can upload files and work on them together with other people. There are also things like branches...
Teacher: Ah ok, so a cloud service
(I was done and wanted to end the conversation)
Me: Yes... it's a cloud service...
(Me in my mind: why do i have to be here)
We named our project 'GitGud', a little bit passiv aggresive.
Yeah so apparently my IT teacher doesn't know GitHub, however he installed Ubuntu on some of the school computers so I guess that's nice
We got an A so that's good.14 -
It's been broken in production for two weeks, and you want to tell me it's "drop everything urgent" now? Is it important? Yes. Is it urgent? No.
Also, how the fuck did you not know this was broken for two weeks, and what the hell do you want me to do about it now? It's your codebase, it passed all the tests in staging AFTER I made my changes to the infrastructure.1 -
> be me, working while at the beach
> SO: " hey, do you want me to make a bracelet?"
> me: "sure, make me whatever, something that fits me."
> what I get is picrel.
Damn true6 -
Convo with me an my friend today (i purposefully left out my opinions and reactions):
Friend: i want to learn c#
Me: sounds good, but I'd go java if i were you
F: yeah but i want to do unity
M: sounds good, but I'd go with unreal engine if I were you
F: what language is unreal engine?
M: C++, but if you want to make apps, go with unity
F: yeah I want to make an android app
M: sounds good, but I'd try out renderscript if I were you
F: yeah I've used that before
M: oh really? What does it do?
F: I don't know
M: its for gpgpu because android game devs needed better performance
F: yeah I've used that
M: what does gpgpu stand for?
F: umm… i know what gpu stands for
M: okay dude, you didn't use it
F: yes I did, I made a cypher
M: dude, you didn't use it
F: yes I did!
M: what does gpgpu stand for?
F: *left*
*five minutes later*
M: *checks phone*
M: *sees text from friend*
Text from friend: dude it was general purpose gpu1 -
Meetings would be better without people.
I mean I like the IDEA of meetings...
Honestly I'm the type of person who if I could would schedule lots of meetings to make sure we're all on the same page, and to be sure the thing is going to do the thing everyone wants / get their perspective, etc. I really want to KNOW what the folks who are going to use this thing need / want / what works best for them.
On the other hand I know that meetings are often more like:
Me: "Ok let's so here's our data, now tell me what fields they want to edit and so forth."
People: "All of them."
Me: "Uh, no you don't want that or they'll break everything ... X, Y and Z require those fields for A, B, and C to work."
Me: "Let's go field by field and you tell me if they need to edit it, and why."
People: "Yeah this first one they have to be able to change this one."
Me: "Wait no, that's the primary key for that table, I don't know why that's on this list but no you can't change that."
People: "Yeah we have to be able to change that."
Me: "No, you can't, do you even know what that number IS?"
People: "Um... no ..."
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻2 -
WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??! I LITERALLY GET SPAM MAILS EVERY 5 MINUTES (i know I know, some of you get more than that) ABOUT BITCOIN. I NEVER DID ANYTHING FUCKING RELATED TO CRYPTO CURRENCY! HOW DO YOU KNOW MY EMAIL?? LIKE WTF. I'm sitting here doing my stuff and every few minutes my phone starts ringing and I'm like "hey maybe person x answered or something else important happened" but when I actually look at it to see whats up it's just a fucking email about bitcoin being outdated and it tells me to maybe invest into other crypto currencies. After actually reading one of the spam mails because I was interested in what they actually want from me I had to find out that they do not even mention any other currency or website. WTF INTERNET?? WHAT DO YOU WANT?2
-
How fucking difficult is it to first figure out what the hell you want me to build, before assigning me a project?
But noo...make me implement a feature that will do a completely different thing in two weeks, and a completely different thing a week after that...fuck you Jeff3 -
......why life.... why... what do you want from me... when i do the right thing, you punish me... when i do the wrong thing, you punish me... what do you want from me.... i cant believe this just happened to me...5
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Rant
Arg! Stack overflow why are you so full of argumentative dumb wits. I post serious question for a serious answer and what do I get? People who apparently know my situation better than me and have decided what I want to be done shouldn't be done. They don't even know what I am making. Either answer the question or move on!!!5 -
Me: Bluetooth not connecting to headphones, turn off and on again
Bluetooth mouse: Bluetooth is off, now what you want me to do?
I wish this was a joke... Yes, I am that stupid.5 -
Recruiters. Recruiters everywhere. I know, I know, F# seems to be the new hot thing now that FP has gained popularity and every bleeding company is looking for one. Well guess what? You got to make a pretty darn good offer for me to jump ship, and no, I’m not going to make much of an effort myself. If you want me, you sell me the job. I’m not going to do the selling here. I’ll come to the interview, do a programming test if I must but I bloody sure won’t tailor you a fucking resume. Everything’s on LinkedIn and here, have a link to my gh acco. That should be enough. No? Well go fuck yourself!3
-
*Filling out unit test plan for tester which is an Excel Document*
*Excel keeps trying to correct capitalization on a word that I want capitalized over and over*
LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT! If I didn't want to capitalize that word I wouldn't have capitalized it! Just do what I tell you to do! YOU ARE A PIECE OF SOFTWARE! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!4 -
Fuck you BBC, I just want toblosten to fucking radio and you tell me that I "need" to sign in.
I do not want you to tell me what to losten to. I do not want "relevant" content, just want to listen to 30 mins of news.
Then you say it is easy to signup, but then ask for my exact date of birth as the first question wtf ...5 -
He: Is there a list of what you want to do next?
Me: To be drowned
Me: Hang yourself
Me: Oh, or are you talking about the project?5 -
Jesus shitting Christ. Do you want to know something by awful. A comment by @tahnik on a post by @yvang has just made me realise I have been fighting CSS to make it do what I want since IE3 came out.
In August 1996. 20 years ago. I'm 40. That's half my life ago. CSS, I salute you. You've been a worthy adversary.8 -
Them: You have 6 days to build this frontend page for our wordpress site.
Me: Ok...
*proceeds to spend 4 days trying to arse my way towards a semi reasonable bootstrapped website based on the existing website's styling.*
Me: *Presents website*, so... uh... yeah, I don't usually do frontend stuff, I'm more of a backend dev, but here's what I could do.
Them: This looks like absolute horseshit.
Me: So what do you not like about it?
Them: All of it. It doesn't look anything like the wireframe that I gave you.
Me: Ok... So let me get this straight, you want it to look exactly like how you designed it in your wireframe? *wireframe looks like a child drew it*
Them: Yes! Is that so hard?
Me: I mean, it's a little hard. I'm not exactly a front end developer. Aside from that, I think this design is not very user-friendly.
Them: we don't care about your opinions, OP. Get back in there and make it look exactly like the wireframe.
Me: Ok.
*proceeds to go to fiverr, and contract someone else to do it for me while I get to do fun stuff in the back end.* 😂
----
We'll see what they think of the project when it gets back to me. Wish me luck guys.1 -
People: "Nobody is doing what we say!!!!"
Me: "Even when you the person who pays their bills tells them to?"
People: "Nope! We want a modal pop up when they login!"
Me: "You know they can just click past that and ignore you....? How about we actually wait until they fill out some stuff and have a required field when they do a thing?"
People: "No, we want a modal!"
-jebus fuck-2 -
Not dev related but what is the fucking point of someone saying I'm going there to do that and when i ask them to show me THAT what they did they say "oh it was so bad I'm not gonna show you haha"
Like how do i explain it without being rude.....
........
Here's a savage example scenario
---
Your wife: "i just came back from a mountain in the middle of nowhere filming an ad and in gonna be in that ad"
You: "cool. Id love to see that ad, could you show it to me?"
Your wife: "noo i was so ugly and it was so bad im not gonna show u"
---
What are you gonna think? What was your wife filming secretly behind your back and she doesnt want to show you? Was she even filming in the first place? Or was she fucking a guy? What is one supposed to think of this conversation? Why fucking tell me ur gonna go there and do that and then not talk about it at all after doing it? What the FUCK who DOES THAT ???2 -
PM: How long will it take to fix this bug? Needs to be done by friday.
Me: I can do a hotfix in some hour, a more permanent solution will take at least 3-4 hours.
PM: Alright, I’ll schedule you for 1 hour.
Me: alright, sounds good.
*makes a hotfix*
Me: the hotfix is done now, just tell me when you want me to do the permanent solution.
PM: what?! Thought I you could manage the permanent fix in the time I booked.
???????3 -
So my boss wants me to build his portfolio website, and he says to me. "Yeah do whatever you want, just don't make it look like a blog." What does that even mean!? 😨6
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Friend (Computer Science student) - Dual boot my Windows 10 with Ubuntu
Me - I will, but chances are something bad may happen. Mostly it does not. I advise you to backup everything first.
Friend - But I don't even have an external hard drive.
Me - So what do you want me to do?
Friend - Forget it. I'll figure how to do my work in Windows
Me - But how else are you going to learn?
Friend - Ain't nobody got time for that!2 -
-Week before final project presentation.
Classmate: Dude, can you help me for our project? Its website.
Me: Sure, what you used?
Classmate: ASP. NET
Me: Ok....I don't know much about it but let me see.
Classmate: No, I just want your help with flowchart, sequence diagram and use case diagram.
Me: ..................
*in mind: how the fuck m supposed to do that shit I don't even know much about your website*
(still I drew few basic flowcharts for them) -
HELL YEAH! First day into the vacation and after checking the mails, I see that I have a new job offer from a company I have applied for. It is not the company with the highest priority on my list, but it is still cool to have them inviting me for a talk that fast.
Btw. I have a question to the experienced job switchers among us (I do not mean job switchers in a bad way).
What do you guys set your priorities on when it comes to joining a company? Do you have any tips for people who want to join a company in a general view? What NO-GOs can you give to us? Thanks.2 -
An UI guy which actually complimented my will to work with non-dev professions in order to deliver quality features.
Spoiler: I am willing because you are awesome and are not offended in me asking questions outside my area of competence in order to be sure what I do is what you want, so if you happen to read this post kudos on you M. , not on me :) -
Folks,
What static site generator do you prefer, and why?
I want to set up a website for a small business and do not want to spend a lot of time on it but it also should be blazing fast.
My familiarity with react leads me to Gatsby, but there are probably good alternatives.
It should also be easy for the (non-tech) admin then to create posts on a news page or even new pages (probably with Markdown).
Thank you in advance!4 -
Him: "dont put your constants in a standalone class, it defeats the purpose of OOP. A class is for methods and such."
Me (in thoughts): THIS IS PYTHON YOU OEDIPUS, WHAT ELSE SHOULD I DO IF I DONT WANT MY CONSTANTS TO CLUTTER THE FILE??1?
But using the enum-class as superclass maakes it ok for him... -
The more I learn frontend the more I like it. Imagine, actually becoming good at something makes you hate it less! I know, I know, I was shocked too.
Completely unrelated question:
if you have all the mods for the factors of a product, is it possible to derive the factors from the modulus?
(lol you know what this is about).
The product "fingerprinting" I talked about a while back is starting to allow me to find the modulus of factors, and I want to know what I can do with that if anything.3 -
Today we got our first real contract for my software company. It fills me with the most confidence as I scroll this feed of people having the same issues as we do. Customers wanting more than was agreed, customers expecting us to know what they want before talking to us etc... Thank you devRant!
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So, a few days ago I went on an interview for a position as a web developer, and during the interview they tell me they are thinking about getting into hosting, and that if they decide to do so I would be the one responsible for managing all of it.
I have no idea how to set up web servers, let alone make sure they can handle heavy loads and so on, so I'd be taking on a huge responsibility and workload, along with the task of making websites.
The company consists of 5 designers, and at the moment, no developers, and they have about 30-40 customers, all with sites that would need to be moved to the new hosting platform.
My question to you all is this:
How much does quality hosting equipment cost, and is it really worth it for such a small company to get into hosting, or should they rather look to make a deal with an existing host for some kind of monthly kickback/rebate?
I'm thinking they should find an existing host and enter some kind of partnership, as that would be easier and safer than doing all the hosting inhouse.
What do you guys and girls think?undefined hosting interview i'm just a simple web developer i have no clue how to host a website you want me to do what now?!5 -
Junior front end developer.
Interest in saas, js and jQuery,
1 year html5 and JavaScript, knowledge of image authoring (Photoshop)
Job is wordpress customisation.
18k... Degree in media required.
So you want a graphic designer for junior developer wage.. lol. -
Wanted to write a personal rant but fuck it, that shit that I wrote is too cheesy. Let me just say: I hate myself for not being able to work as a fucking human being. I hate every fucking human out there. I want to be fucking left alone and do what I want without feeling like a disgrace. I want to be me and be happy. Fuck you.
With love, some whiny boy4 -
the closer i get to the ending
the higher the resistance
the harder i fight the battle to win
the harder life tries to prevent me from winning
just when we were about to finish
just in that moment life did its best to not make it happen
why
what do you want from me
i am just a human being
what wrong have i done in trying to help mankind
what is happening
why is this happening
what... do you want..... from me.......3 -
Quick question. How do i get myself to believe that I am good enough. I am good at what I do people tell me and i really want to move towards part time lecturing but the idea terrifies me... But i really want to help others and currently just being needed when others need me doesnt make me feel i am able to help others enough..
In short, how do you deal with an internal problem with wanting to help but being afraid others wont take ke seriously.4 -
So I just read the Blink to "Poke the Box" and one question it raised was.
If you had no obstacles and unlimited resources (I guess like if you could retire right now and do anything you want), what would you do?
For myself I couldn't really think of something/a goal/big project that would keep me interested...
(I vaguely remember maybe there was a Weekly Rant about this...)4 -
Do you agree with me that once you understand and mastered one programming language, when you want to learn other languages or library is very easy. At least you know what to Google search.10
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WHY FOR FUCKINGS SAKE DO I HAVE TO ACCEPT YOU SENDING ME BULLSHIT MARKETING MATERIAL WHEN I JUST WANT TO DOWNLOAD THAT SHIT EBOOK????
I see what you did here ngnix...5 -
>>Server sind für mich "Neuland".<<
I want to switch to a new server with my website. I have a bunch of questions and hope you beautiful people will help me out.
1. I've decided to switch from shared hosting to an virtual server. Therefore I am going to rent the cheapest VS from hetzner.de. is this a good choice?
2. What do I have to care about and what stuff there is to be done in the beginning?
3. The reasons I want to switch are more root accessibility and I want to switch to https. What about that? Is let's encrypt enough?
4. How do I move the server from a to b?
5. What OS should I choose?
6. What about security?
7. Any further advice from experienced people is welcome!
Sry for those noob questions, but I've never been in touch with server work...23 -
Help me out,
Being a front end dev I suck at back end. I can do some stuff but some of the concepts and other things I really struggle to grasp.
Sometimes when I’m real clueless or have no idea how to do a task the best thing to do is ask one of the senior roles but whenever I ask him he rolls his eyes and huffs and puffs. I get it dev is quite a independent thing and you should do research etc. But it makes me feel so bad and I suck as if I don’t get the question he asked correct or I don’t understand he gets real impatient. I really do try I don’t want people to do it for me of course so I want to to understand but I just get moaned at. What do I do???4 -
Allright, so.. 3 (sort of 4) dev projects at work (7 roles in total), 2 (sort of 3) DEV projects at home, 2 guys approaching to me via messenger w/ DEV/Linux questions, family (with a baby), construction works in the apartment, taking care of the farmstead,...
Whenever you ask "what do you do", I'm not even sure where to start.
Whenever you call me with "Hello, I'm calling from company X, do you have some time to answer a few questions" I sort of want to hit someone really hard before answering "yes, sure". -
Friend: "Heyyy, I want a custom IT solution. Can you make it for me?"
Me: "Okay sure."
Friend: "Heyyy I don't want the program to do it for me, I want to learn it myself."
Me: "What the fuck.. sigh."
I ended up giving them some third-party boilerplate solution and now they're happy. Peasants..1 -
So we finished our requirement ( barely) for a new client. Next is data modelling and system design.
We started with data modelling. Unfortunately the lead developer does not know the difference between database and data modelling.
me: hey bro, we'll do the database and stuff later, now let's focus on data modelling.
him: (acting like he knows) yeah I have developed a sample design for the "data model".
me: no this is database design.
him: what's the difference?
me: dude, they're totally different. Okay, simple explanation data model is what you want to store, whereas DB design is how you store it.
him: So, if I am not wrong, it's implied that you know what to store if you are talking about how to store it.
me: but you don't know what it is you want to store yet. And one of them precedes the other.
him: Okay, let's start with DB design.
me: What?????? you want to build a house without a plan??? That's it for me I am done !!!
I left the project yesterday, later I heard that, the team members are coders, who think that developing a software is all about coding and fixing errors. -
Me: finally we have automated deployment to production
Team Lead: No production deployment still requires manual approval
Me: ok how do you want to handle it slack, webhook, what do you suggest
Team Lead: let's do a proof of concept (POC) for this
Me: Ahh... Poc for this ?
Team Lead: you don't know sh*t ?
Me: well I know you're are creating that here
Next day team change... -
I just think about it ...
Running docker on windows is shit
Running nginix on windows is boofff
Running apache on windows is boofff
Running WWS on windows is hugly
Install linux
All server software run like king
Don't have access to any adobe product for design and micro$hit office for client sanity because ODF is to special, i want my docx i said ... Like what do you want from me ... Shit the dev setup is a fucking mess because some enterprises don't want to wet itself in the futur...
Microsoft love linux BULLSHIT6 -
I want you to make that dream become a reality, because if you don't, you will be working for somebody else to make their dreams become a reality.
Listen to me, if it was easy, everybody would do it. There are people right now who are working who don't want to work. There are people who hate their jobs, but they keep getting up to do it.
I'm here to tell you, number one, that most of you say you wanna be successful but you don't want it bad, you just kinda want it. You don't want it badder than you wanna party. You don't want it as much as you wanna be cool.
So what I'm telling you is, when you want something bad you can't count the cost. Because if you count the cost and you see how much it costs. You might quit, you might give up. So you gotta go in knowing that I don't count the cost.
You just do whatever it takes, to get whatever you want! Boom! 👊 😎 👍3 -
"what are you working on right now?"
I think that question is the one I hate the most.
If A asks that to B, it means A has the authority to do so, you're basically a boss or leader.
But it also reveals insane incompetence, because A has such role, then should already know what B is working on.
I have fantasies of just exploding with a "NOTHING, NOTHIIIIIING!!!! Because you didn't assign me anything"
What the fuck do they want me to do? Go around jerking off to any documentation I can find on google?
Should I just come up with things so that they can be sadly discarded?
I would much rather have dailies, and get guided like "you can do this or that" I feel like I'm just expected to do shit without any actual regqrd for results. As if I was some dog who was thrown a stick to fetch.
But if I don't fetch the stick I get asked like "you should be doing something". I fucking hate it .2 -
Dear Prestashop developers, f**k YOU!
I already hate this shitfuck what you call the best open source e-commerce solution, but your module validation technique sucks.
They use tons of useless rules, but the last addition was the last drop: they force you to use the old (and long) array declaration.
So now I have 500 new errors in this fucking module.
Why the fuck do you want me to force an old syntax?3 -
The getting started of react native sucks big time.
If you don't want to display a completely centered text then go fuck yourself or what?
I mean there isn't even a howto on platform-independently not overlapping the fucking status bar. Everyone must've faced this problem when starting, but the only answer is an 8 times upvoted answer on SO telling me to add a hardcoded padding. What.
Where did this whole thing come to..🙁
Back in the days books about c didn't even start with more than 4 lines of code on the 70th page.
And when you google things about it it feels like you doing something totally wrong but its like the first thing a normal dude would do, what if i don't want shit centered bro i feel so useless and dumb i friggin hate that shit just fucking tell me what the fucking fuck to do!😫
It bugs me so hard cus i didn't even know a View is able to stick out on top of the app it doesn't make no sense to me the whole world is breaking apart12 -
Oh man, stands out first in my memory. Was going ok until my original boss got transferred in to another department... The first replacement was one of our HR managers 🤔
The person she then made as similar to a team lead had issues with me when I had just a bit of a different perspective about a problem to solve - I soon found myself in technical support. Go figure...
I'll never forget what one of the directors said to me a little while after they shifted me:
"Not everyone can do what they want to do if they are not good at it..." I look back on that heart breaking moment and say with pride: FUCK, YOU.3 -
!dev
Ok, this happend to me today, i met a girl about 2 months now was the time to met in pearson i mean real life. a "Friend" was
Insisting to me for give to he the phone of the girl.
about 4 hours later i receive a message from she saying that i was a fucking depraved and stuff like that, i ask her why she was saying that and she write "Because your friend tell me that you only want to fuck with me", i ask to my friend what he did and he say "Nothing" i take his phone and view that he said that "Oh come on he is just a fucking stupid who is on the pc all the day masturbating and with windows with letters, really do you want someone who do that.". now i dont know what to do.
In my medical history I have had depression 3 times in my life with suicide attempts.
sorry for my bad english im from chile (spanish)
now i just want to fuck of all and kill myself. i need help.12 -
So I had this conversation yesterday while fixing yet another Windows laptop for someone else.
Other Guy = OG
Me = Me (Duh)
OG: So what are your plans after your apprenticeship?
Me: Uh, I'll probably start somewhere that's e-commerce related, kinda like my current company but somewhere else.
OG: Uh have you thought about being your own boss?
Me: Well yeah, but I wouldn't know how to attract customers and shit
-- This is the moment shit gets real
OG: OH BTW I heard that Germany is lacking AI developers, you should do that! It earns you shitloads of cash!
Me: Uhm.. well, that might be true b-
OG: There's no but dude, it's free money, you're smart.. I mean you can fix any computer, right? AI will be just as easy
Me: It's not like-
OG: Duh, don't make yourself look so bad I know you can do it!
Me: B..But I'm not interested in it at all
*silence for 5 seconds*
OG: Well.. I guess you do you then
After that we continued to have random chit-chat about his job and experience (He's a mechanic)
God I hate when people throw buzzwords around and try to convince other people to do what *they* want.
No, I don't want to develop a structure of 1000 ifs/elses, I'd rather keep doing what I'm doing, thanks!6 -
The customer may always be right, but you are not a customer, you are a client. As a client you have come to us because you have no idea what you are talking about. Rarely do you even know what it is you even want. So how can you be right about something you know nothing about. I want you to be happy with the end product; I emotionally need it as it determines how I value myself as a developer. So trust me when I tell you that you are wrong. That is why you are my client. To give you what you never knew you wanted.
-
Me: What's this new icon in the app?
* Long press on the icon *
Nothing
Me: Huh. Ok. I will press it and see what it does.
* Presses it *
You have successfully done what you did not want to do. Congratulations!
WTF! Just tell me what it does when I long press it.1 -
Day 11 of devWholesome...
I think it is very important today to express how much we care about others. Today I want you to do something nice for a friend or family member and tell them how much you care about them. You realize how important the ones around us are and what they mean to you. Tell me what you did today that fulfills that goal in the comments. And as always, make the most out of your day!1 -
So... school is about to begin again...
Honestly I'm both excited and intimidated about it. It's my last year in high school, and I still haven't decided what to do after it. I guess I'll go to an university, and possibly continue with my conservatory... I want to do both things, hoping that the weight won't crush me.
If you're like me, still a student, what do you think you would like to do after high school?6 -
Aaaaarggghhh
Having to think about what and when to eat is such a fucking pain in the ass. I don't want to search for recipes. I don't want to think about nutrition. I don't want to count calories. I just want something to tell me exactly what to eat, when I should eat and what to buy. Same goes for workout routines. Just tell me what to do I'll do it. I want an autopilot for that sort of stuff so I don't have to ducking think about it anymore. It's such a giant waste of time to have to manually plan this shit through, I want to use my brain for other things like math or chemistry or Programming. In fact I don't even want to cook because I am alone and cooking for one person is so ducking pointless. I lost over 40kg in the last years. I learned my lesson, most things taste like shit now because I associate food with all the pain and depression that I had to overcome to achieve a normal weight and fit body. Food went from being a joy to being an annoying necessity. I got fit and I want to work out even more but I really don't want to think about this shit. The exercises and pain and hunger are all nothing but planning is my true enemy. It bores me to death, it's more painful than running until I break down I absolutely fucking hate it.
I am really close to start some kind of open source food planner where you can type in your goals ( weight loss, muscle gain etc.) In great detail with all kind of options ( vegetarian, vegan, allergies, budget, country where you live in for local recipes etc.) And it generates a food plan for you with exact details of where exactly to buy the ingredients how to cook them etc. No fancy Ui No bullshit ads for some kind of wonder drug nothing annoying. Something so easy that it can be used as an autopilot for ones fitness and life. Do what it says and you'll look decent, don't think about the rest. Having that would be so great and I could finally think about more important shit than this. Less overhead more time for things that can't be automated.
And Yes I know that this is exactly what a personal trainer would do, but I am not going to spend 600€ a month for someone to tell me exactly what to buy, what to eat and how to work out.23 -
Today after a second interview I was asked to complete a code challenge. They didn't say when they would want it completed by, only just as soon as I was able I guess. Anyways, they said ideally they'd like it to only take me 4-5 hours to complete. What should I use to track time? I was thinking just giving them some WakaTime data or maybe screen record the challenge while I do it. What would you do?8
-
Her: What do you do in your spare time?
Me: Learn to code
Her: Can you install an antivirus on my laptop and make it go faster?
Now I just want to kill myself. Who else here has encountered this?2 -
A previous rant made me start doubting my choices.
I just graduated from college (but college here is probably not what you call college. You choose whether you do one more year and gain the 'x technician' certificate or you do two years and get the 'practical engineer' degree)
Hope you understand it.
Anyway, so I continued 1 year (I skipped 1 year so it's like I did the whole two years) and I have a practical engineer degree in electronics.
I love programming and really want to work in the field but (since I know nothing about the market) I don't even know if I'll get a job without going to university and getting a degree (which I want to get, I want to learn Software Engineering though, not CS)
So now to my question, do you guys truly think getting a degree will be a waste of my time?
tl;dr I want to get a Software Engineer degree, but a lot of posts say it's a waste of time. Who agrees and who doesn't?8 -
I'm so confused by our architecture and development process in general
We planned what features are to be implemented (e.g. what endpoints should do what), but there are parts of tasks which depend on others, and I'm not sure what classes to build or when to start a task given that related ones are being done by other developers, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing
I could maybe do all of this alone my way if it was just me, but when I ask in planning about how we should go about implementing shit together, I just get backlash from this senior developer telling me we shouldn't waste time discussing implementation details in planning
Like, what the fuck do you want me to fucking do, just implement all the dependencies of what I'm doing from zero, without reusing any of the code other devs are doing that touches on the same parts?
Fucking hell, man, this is the third sprint where I'm confused like this
Maybe I'm just too dumb to be a developer after all lol6 -
I’m working on buying a license from a company with completely opaque pricing. To the point they are asking me what I want to pay and then getting offended with I low ball them! WTF do you expect?! List some freaking prices.1
-
Just got this coding task from a recruiter trying to determine what they want.
This for a front end job but we talked about api/network calls.
Are they just looking for the UI or do they want me to make the agency names dynamic through the different databases?
The recruiter is kind of clueless.
How would you approach this.11 -
In the middle of the semester, my class and I are going to have a class about threads in Java. The teacher is at his normal days, 10 minutes later he just looks at us and says "Do you want to teach? Do you want me to teach today? You know what? I won't teach today. Let's talk about each other, I want to know you more. Tell about your hobbies, what do you do besides your student life?" 😂
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CEO: I want the design to be *gibberish*, lemme see it when you're done, ye?
Marketing: Just do it this way, it looks neater. *Deletes 10 lines of code*
Lead Dev: Intern. What the f*#% are you doing? Rewrite that *points to HTML divs*
Me (intern): What am I even doing here? 😂 -
Client wants me to document the updated patch in the system... In detail. I just want to upgrade their server memory but noooooo. They want me to detail it all in step-by-step, including change impact, description task, expected time duration, back-out plan.
The first time I had to do this, it was cute. But now it's FUCKING ANNOYING ON HOW DETAIL THEY WANT ME TO PUT IN!!!
Client: "OK, so you wanna upgrade the server memory. What do you need to bring into the data centre?"
Me: "Just my laptop. I'm just configuring your underutilised server memory and upgrade it."
Client: "Good. Put that in the document, including your laptop serial #, make and model."
Me: *Screaming internally* -
Any vim/nvim users here? Why do you use it despite having to setup that thingie for hours? People like me who wants to try vim/nvim, the setup process scares the crap out of us. What I want? I just want to be able to do what I can already do in vscode. all I wanted my vim/nvim to be able to debug TypeScript/JavaScript with Nodejs. There's packages like, Vim-vscode shit, that takes help from vscode to debug it using vscode! why not use vscode then?
I'm tired of trying nvim/vim over and over again, and every time, it feels like I'm just a little luckier that before. If it continues, Its gonna take forever to setup. No thank you! I'm going back to vscode. Let me know when there's a gui kinda thing where I can see all the available packages for neovim and its just one click/enter install away. else, consider me sleeping...16 -
I want to try some Android Development. I already have basic understanding of both C# and Java. C# even a little bit more. But the language is not the problem.
I just can not decide wether I should use Xamarin or do native development using Android Studio.
What would you suggest me, guys? :-)7 -
So sick of my coworker explaining to me how I should do a task. Dude, I've already planned out how I'm going to handle the situation. If you really want to help, wait until I create my pull request, review it, and then make your suggestions there. Unless I ask for your advice on how to do something, I don't need you to tell me how you would do things, especially since i have, what, 5 years working in the framework when you have 2 months?
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me: Mum, Dad I want to a developer like [my older brother's name]
mum: I don't know what you guys do anyway. just make sure to be the best at it.
dad: Good luck, don't forget to start your own company soon enough. -
SO's accepted answers being "no dont do what you want to do, use this corporate™-certified library instead, we ALLLLL use it too"
Like bitch if I wanna kill myself with a knife, tell me which vein to cut, dont recommend me a gun, I dont want it. ffs.9 -
Sometimes I work from home, I don't know if i'm allowed to but nobody says nothing and I don't notify either, my record is 1 week without showing up at the office, I want to stay one month just to see what happens.
Do you think they trust me or I'm unnoticed and replaceable?8 -
I'm not lazy. If you want me to build you a typeface - I'll learn how to do it... and I'll do it ~ but when I get files like this... my brain just goes blank. I don't even know how to rename these. Even if I automate it... I don't know what any of them are. : /3
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It is on this day i feel inspiration.
Its taken 14 hours to debug the physics and math behind a particular mechanism in the project I've been assigned to for months now.
But I got it right, and fuck is that feeling incredible. It's that feeling that makes me want to continue to do what I do. So fuck you, you obscure, brain fuck of a bug. You will not win EVER! I WILL find you, I WILL make sense of you, and I WILL destroy you. -
I just thought of something. People get butt-hurt when people tell the truth, which is ironically kinda what happened to me. But I’m not mad, I understand lol. Anyways, people always want you to tell the truth, but when you do, they don’t and can’t always accept it. If there were a day where people always told the truth, who knows what would happen, but it wouldn’t be good. But at the same time, people are always holding back their opinions for what? No one’s forcing you, and you don’t really have to. If you see this and there’s something you want to say, to anyone or about anything, even yourself, just go ahead and say it.14
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The PM is trying to dump the responsibility of change management onto me
What the absolute fuck im your developer and you want me to spend my time filling in data on spreadsheet? Everytime I update an environment I send out emails by fucking hand already because ya'll to cheap for change management software, fill your own damn spreadsheet. You know, do management, your job?
For fucks sakes2 -
When agile is everywhere (including toilets). Do you want me to poop in agile way? 💩💩
What can be the agile way of shitting?2 -
PO: "Remember guys, protect your scope!"
.. moments later, after the PO meeting..
PO: "I want you to do user story x but I want it changed this way"
me: "Ok"
*pling* notification: PO changed jira story
*I work on it for a few hours*
me: "Is this what you wanted?"
PO: "Yeah, actually I made up my mind. I want you to implement it totally different and scrap what you added now"
me: "Thanks for wasting my time bro"
me: *codes*
.. a few hours later, mid-coding..
PO: "Uh, yeah, changed my mind. The way you did it now is ok, but I want something else added"
*3 iterations of the same crap later*
me: "Sigh, make up your minds!"5 -
this.rantType != RantType.RANT;
Hey, i do not want to spam DevRant with non dev stuff, but i really want to ask this you, i personally cant only code all time, im coding full time and a lot in my free time, but i just cant only code.
So i found another thing that i fell in love with, i fell in love with animal photography!!
I want to ask you, yes you reading this: do you need something else than coding or not? and if you do, what? let me know with a simple comment!6 -
Le Angular programmer
Me: I need to add all these fields across this 30 page (seriously) questionnaire to the dataLayer for Google Analytics...I'll see if I can loop over all the controls and get the native element so that I can do things with it.
Also me: WTF do you mean I don't have access to the native element? Damn it! What does Google say?
**terrible french accent**
A few moments later
**end terrible french accent**
Me: I don't want to have to create a directive to put on every single one of these fields. That's dumb. Not gonna do it...bad vanilla JavaScript?
**terrible french accent**
Several minutes later
**end terrible french accent**
Me: Wait...if we use this directive then the directive can handle all the things AND we can use it outside of this questionnaire. The rest of the app can send this data so that Google Analytics can know all the things
Man Google..You sure do know what I want before I know what I want...Are you spying on me too?1 -
Person: CooCooK4Choo, i see you're doing more than one form of development. What do you want to do as a developer?
Me: I want to do everything i can possibly do.
Person: You have to pick a stream to go into, you can't do Web Applications, 3D Development, Unity Game Development, Swift and Java.
Why can't i do everything? As a junior developer i feel that doing everything keeps you prepared for those unwanted situations. Besides Its not like i'll be doing Web Base Applications all my life. if i do, i'll probably kill myself before 30(currently 21).3 -
So I presented a presentation about programming a couple of days ago. It received good feedback and the leader of that event wants me back to present another event within a couple of days. Yeah, couple of days!!!! The first one took me almost 2 weeks to prepare, not sure if a couple days is enough
This guy has strong connections and want me to speak to people for consultant work. I do want to work as a consultant, but that's a risk I guess.
On the other hand, I'm currently working as a fulltime fullstack developer on a project with lots of challenges. Its fun but not something I want to do for many years.
A voice inside me is telling me to go on this adventure, and focus on my company instead.
I feel like this is a special moment in my life, and one decision is the right one to take.
What would you do, continue working as a fulltime developer or focus on building your company? Or if you have similar experience you want to share?5 -
I'm currently a java developer. I've dabbled in python too. Mostly worked on API development and some data processing. I want to learn something new, that'll keep me engaged. It can be something within java (like image processing or NLP) or some other language (Go, scala, js). What do you all suggest?6
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Was asked today what type of service ticket was needed for a domain level whitelist request.. gave them the answer, and they tell me, “oh I don’t think I want to do that, I’ll just create a generic ticket and go from there.”
Why ask if you are going to do it your own way anyways..
This happens to often in all parts of IT. Someone consults you, tells you your suggestion sounds difficult, then try’s to take a short cut..
Good luck to them.. so glad it’s Friday! ✌️3 -
Oh, come on! Human Resource Machine, Three Sort, a single cycle away from the optimization challenge! What more do you want from me?
Also, I have already gotten the challenge completed for only using 34 commands. I'm increasing the number of commands greatly for the cycle challenge in order to avoid swapping.1 -
Does anyone else ever get really down when you spend too much time away from your project? I feel myself retracting from society and all I ever want to do is drink coffee and teach myself stuff and work on my game.
It's getting to the point where I don't even want to see my gf and I don't even think about food. I see this happening to me in real time, but I don't want to stop it because I know it's what I need to accel. It's just, damn, it all makes me kind of sad and reflective.5 -
New dev colleague today asked me why he cannot save his work in our automation platforms.. Naturally I asked what errors pop-up. He sent me screenshot of window which appears when you want to check for compilation errors, not saving your work. Out of frustration, I couldn’t help but laugh and asked what I’m supposed to do about it.. I still had to explain him the thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m not dev but detective in ‘stupid people doing $hit’ department
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What do you all do when you literally have nothing to do at work? I get ultra bored and start reading manga but I feel bad and scared that my boss might consider me useless. Just want to know if this is somewhat normal behaviour sometimes?26
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Well not like friends as such but kinda of get people respect when you are good at it.
It was during 12th Grade while working on our project for the year , everyone had some kind of doubt and you know the Teacher is not always free to help every one so after looking at what me and my friends were creating she said approach them for your doubts.
Well I can be a prick sometime if I want to be mostly because you are writing bad code or your facts are wrong hence not a lot of them used to like , like me.
But after that they had no option hence felt pretty badass after that.
And like not that I was criticizing them but it you don't want to learn then please solve your own doubts yourself.
Maybe I was wrong to you know to teach everyone. but well that's me do it right else don't do it. -
FUCKING. HAAR.
WHY CAN'T YOU FUNCTION PROPERLY EVEN AFTER SPENDING HOURS INTO TRAINING YOU???!!
DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO ABANDON YOU CASCADE CLASSIFIER?
You were like a brother to me. Now look at what you've done.10 -
Sorry, I'm very stupid and know nothing about cloud development.
My need: I have a php code I want to put in cloud and launch as a task every N minutes automatically until I decide to stop it.
What is the best solution to do it, do you know some good services that allows me to do it easily, quickly and affordably?
For ex. "Heroku" allows me to do something like that?
Thanks in advance, I would really like to learn this part of software development I never touched in my life.
P.S. It's not a service I want to put online with access for users, it's just a "script" I want to have running on a server until I'm done.5 -
I want to create a social experiment and I need advice
Essentially I want to make a spherical voronoi or Delaunay triangulation, but the points are added by any user on internet. A user can do one of the operation, say every other ten minutes:
Add a point
Delete a point
Change color of a region
Open to suggestions, tell me what you think4 -
I hate it when colleagues name their commits with a non descriptive name like "minor changes", "minor fixes", "small changes" and so on. I know that good naming is a difficult task in software development, but do I expect to much when I want them to explain shortly what exactly they changed since the last commit?
Good commit messages are always helpful if you want to do good PR reviews and furthermore if you want to go back to an older commit because someone fucked something up.
Don't get me wrong, my colleagues are great people and great developers, but some of them ignore the fact that good commit messages might be useful in the future for others and themselves -
Terraform: Tried to fetch your module .zip file but failed. No route to host. 🤷♂️
Curl: Got it, what you want me to do with it now boss?
What the literal fuck Terraform? Chrome and Curl have no problem seeing it.4 -
Started a new job at the same time as another guy. We are doing pull requests, I leave a comment about a one line improvement.
"This is not part of my task. If you want me to do extra run it past our bosses. You can't tell me what to do."
I despair. -
Timecalculations and Datetime manipulation from UTC to locale where locale can be anything are by itself annoying but Javas Date and Calendar APIs always make me feel like "Seriously?! Fuck you! What do you want from me?! "
Argh....
Wasting so much time right now to get a fairly easy app built as showcase for new customers and continue with my life!2 -
/(ò.ó)┛彡┻━┻
Why can't you just do what I say... I don't need ur opinion on points that I specifically stated should be done a certain way....
I don't want to spend 30mins arguing with you... I already got enough work as it is and ur supposed to be helping me...
I don't have time to explain everything to you... Just what I need you to do....
There's a reason I got promoted and you didn't...4 -
!rant
<title>
Release "Unlicensed" to avoid problems
<\title>
I have done some work as intern I have done some work. I didn't have a contract though and one month ago I wanted to go away to give more time to my studies.
Now they ask me to write a brief documentation to explain how to use what I have done.
Since I have no hope to receive money and I just want to make sure they don't come back asking me things or blaming me about the implementation I thought to release with "The Unlicense" license...
What do you think?3 -
First day at the new building during my Monday hospital IT job. My boss went on about opening portals in time, aliens, all kinds of shit, then I get a call, "hey, we need help carrying a body to the morgue, get up here", turns out i'm lookout and forward-runner (lookout to keep patients away from the room during cart loadup, forward runner for doors)
I hate Mondays...4 -
I probably got an internship for this summer and I'm really really excited for it.
However, I've juste finished my first year of CS and it's my first internship and it makes me really scared that I'll be unable to do anything. Like sure I know OOP and how to code, but what will I do in a business?
Do you have any tips or so? It would help me a lot, I really want to do it well.3 -
so I offered to help a guy with his startup idea which is in the making for a year at least. (A telemetry data collection device, mind you). It's an unpaid internship with no strings attached, no contract, mind you.
I am nowhere near the programming pro like most of you guys here, so that's what I want to focus on improving.
First thing he tells me to do is a market research on competitors.... I thought I left that bullshit behind when I left business school..
If I want to work without getting paid, I'd rather stay at home and learn c++ and opencl, and work on the MSc thesis full time, thanks.
Do you think it's the right thing to do or should I give it time?10 -
Ok, look, man, I'm not involved in any part of the product planning. If you need me to write tests for product you're still writing, you at least need to give me a solid idea of what you want it to do. I can't make what you need if I don't know what's needed.
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Happy new year! Happy new year!.....and so onn.
I am like bro,you sent me last message on previous new year, what the hack?? I don't even know some of their names but Happy new year!
It was all fine then one person messaged me "let's forget past fight's and start a new beginning, hope you and your family have a great year ahead" and i was seriously like, bro yesterday you told my girlfriend that I'm gay and using her to become a straight person but i love to sleep with mens🙄🙄🙄,what do you want from me. Even raju halwai is messaging me, happy new year! but i can consider his wishes he once gave me free chocolate. -
https://cnet.com/products/...
Ho guys i have this old pc and i want to install Linux into. What do you suggest for this?
I don't know nothing about Linux so i hope you can help me. Thank you so much :)
P.s. Sorry for my bad english3 -
How did you decide what you wanted to do with your career? I'm fresh out of uni and am looking for work but have no idea what roles or languages or software types I want to work in, only a vague idea of stuff I don't want and a vague idea of what could be nice. I'm also at a bit of a crossroads because I've applied to multiple very different jobs and have no idea which one to accept if multiple offer me a job (given that there weren't any red flags when interviewing).1
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I want to create an app with usertype 1 and usertype 2 in which both should have separate login forum but in single app and whatever usertype 2 posts,usertype 1 should be able to see in their news feed and should be able to response. People are telling me you should create separate app for each usertype but i don't like that idea.....Help me guys if anybody know what should i do.1
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Has anyone found a bug in Paypal site? I sent them an email about their incomplete looking page and they want me to upload screenshot and the sourcecode. I don't mind the screenshot but sourcecode? I'm not sure since I wouldn't know what the sourcecode includes. Would you ever do it?8