So my programmer boyfriend chose his career over me.

We made plans together that he will teach me how to do be better at coding and that he will leave his company because it sucks. However, they joined some hackathon and won.

Now, they are going overseas and our plans? Nothing. He chose his company, success, money and fame over me.

We’re engaged btw. Sorry for being so dramatic. Any advise?

people usually have their reasons, maybe he is doing this for you, maybe he thinks it's no big deal.
you probably should talk with him about your concerns, instead of making even more concerns.

You need to talk to him about it. Let him know what his priorities are. If you weren't engaged, then this would have been perfectly okay. But since you guys are getting married, he needs to know that his finacée is more important than some job.

Chosing something over you would have been leaving you(as in breaking the relationship) before leaving. Whicu it seems like he did not do.

As a man I do things for my family such as leaving for company training etc. Why?not because I like working. But because I want to give them the best that I can offer. I don't work for my company, I work for my family. He might very well be doing this thinking of being able to enjoy a life with you, not because he thinks that his career is more important, but because he thinks you are.

And even if his career is more important than you then really that is his deal in which case if you are not ready to accept that something in his life is bigger than you then you can move one without hurting as much.

Get awesome at programming, start your own super awesome company, make it worth millions, sneakily buy his company out from under him, put him in a junior dev role, pour yourself a whisky, sit back in a big leather chair, smile (evil laugh optional).

Make it clear that there isn’t a choice

On the flip side, you’ve got to be willing to support him/go with him unfortunately making him choose between you or the job is simply going to make him choose the job.

Thanks everyone. I just felt bad cause he made a promise to me and he couldn’t keep it. But maybe you guys are right. Thank you. I’m new here. I wish we could all be friends and maybe you can help me or teach me something which will help me become better at coding. Thanks again.

If you talk and he changes his mind and the engagement is back on, he will at some point in the future bring this up and remind you. Treat this as a wake up call, break it off and move on, looks like he has but doesn’t have the bollocks to even tell you. At least get through your 20’s before even contemplating marriage.

@helloworld it's just a minor incident, no need to go that far lmfaooo

@joycestick You deserve +++

Talk to him, let him know how you feel.

But, be aware that your emotional needs are no mortgage on his freedom, and to hold them over him as a form of control and restriction would be pretty unhealthy (but in reality everyone does).

He’s had a measure of success and he wants to run with it, do try to be supportive of it, and you never know, it might well end up being great for both of you.

@Michelle is right

One word; TALK!

Say that you’re not feeling very important because of this. And explain how you’re feeling. Don’t be mean about it, but also ask what he’s thinking. He’s probably very excited and if he’s anything like me, probably just became thoughtless in the middle of the excitement.

You didn't specify for how long he'll be overseas. If it's just two weeks or so, I don't think it's a big deal. That can happen in a dev job anyway.

Choosing a career over you would look different, i.e. being hardly ever at home, doing lots of overtime even on the weekends.

is Arcadia still safe?
Any bugs or viruses ?

You didn't say that he broke off the engagement and you didn't say how long he would be gone. It sounds like a temporary thing that will likely pay off in the end so if he didn't call it off then he probably still plans on marrying you.

But you need to talk to him about it. You need to figure what bothers you about this and why, and you need to listen to why he decided to go.

Keep in mind that "making" him stay because you're upset isn't going to actually help, it might make you feel better but he's going to resent you for stifling his career.

Most of the things have been said already, I'd also like to say, that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Talk to each others about hopes and dreams, what you expect of each other, what you wish for, and so on. But as I said, that has basically been said a few times.

So let's try something else: What do you want to learn? Programming isn't just one thing. There's web, mobile, desktop, embeded, ... Tell us about what you want to learn, then we can guide you or point you to good ressources.
What I personally would look into:
Web: PHP plus Javascript (instead of PHP you could also try Ruby. I'm not a fan personally, but they do a pretty good jobs keeping their docs clean)
Mobile: Flutter (iOS and Android)
Desktop: depends. Windows: C#, otherwise probably C++ or Java
Embeded: C
General: Python or Java

I’ve been on the other side of the coin. So while it may not be helpful, I can shine some light on another angle maybe.

I was not engaged. When we got together I made my intentions of moving to a major software city clear, but I knew it didn’t really sink in for her.

When I left she was angry and sad, I planned a nice big last date but she blew me off (which she ended up regretting).

Some of my thoughts...

- I have always had ambitions that I knew where bigger than my current location.

- I knew it would be hard to leave my friends and family and her but I was ready for the hurt.

- It was 100% nothing against her, she was great. She also did not believe this, in her opinion if I would leave her then she must not have value. Not the case.

My best advice is to do you, set some goals and focus on reaching them. Live life and try to move on with it, accept the hurt and tell yourself that you have value until it sticks.

✌🏼