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How do you balance social and dev life?
Week 111 Group Rant
starrynights89
6y

The hardest part of being a programmer wasn't the education, the self-teaching, the sleepless nights or the hours of agony trying to fix a bug that would break a program I'd spend weeks working on.

It's the realization that my family, friends, coworkers...nobody understands at all what I do. They don't know of my failures or my triumphs. I can't talk about it with them and it's becoming more apparent to them that it's taking up more of my life. And in a way it feels like a part of myself has just become, well, alien.

Best way I can describe it is, it's like the "Tears in the Rain" scene from Blade Runner.

I'm stuck, I think. I know I've been shutting out people from my life more and more as I don't want to "deal" with people's issues, but I don't think it's been good. I'm can verify that I'm depressed beyond my normal levels.

It's time for me to make an appointment with a therapist.

Remember that you are loved here, and appreciated. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Stay strong.

rant

tired

wk111
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Comments
  • 27
    6y
    can relate. in every point.
  • 24
    6y
    To your family, you're just wasting your time on that machine doing all that typing and stuff. They cant see beyond that. Its sad, but it is how it is.
  • 20
    6y
    @yatanvesh
    And then you have the same ppl complaining about software.
    "Why can't I do that?"
    "Why is it so slooow?"
    "Why do I have to do that?"
    ...
    Bitches!
  • 9
    6y
    Yoga helps. 20minutes of Morning walk affords the possibility of a 1-o-1 self talk which cools down nerves and settles the mind. Cut back on coffee.

    There are programmers in even worse shit. You are better.
  • 3
    6y
    @ksmanu PSA: these aren't depression cures. Just things that may or may not help.

    ++ For the therapist.
  • 6
    6y
    Can totally relate to no one understanding... Although I did have one friend who was a dev I could talk to, but we moved, that was a while back. I've had so many arguments with my grandmother about "wasting time at the computer", and although some people know it's a well paying job, it all seems like wizardry to them.
  • 1
    6y
    For those who don't have the money or time for a psychologist.
    This is a program that helps you work through you're personal issues

    It's developed by psychologists
    And carefully tested in University's around the world.

    3 suites are included past - present - future

    More info is on the website

    https://selfauthoring.com/

    It helped me Alot
  • 2
    6y
    B-but you have us! We're your new family and we $understand = 'you'; :)
  • 3
    6y
    @Superviral for me in fact it makes things better, but as @starrynights89 mentioned it still is a different situation if you can not share problems and achievements with close loved ones. so even if you have people around you are lonely.
  • 1
    6y
    I really do get this. I can relate in every way. Be strong, perhaps help people with open source(they immediately thank you for your time)
    You do have people who can relate & understand your struggles and triumphs here!

    Who knows, perhaps you'll get a friend who lives nearby from socialising here.

    *hug*
  • 0
    6y
    @ksmanu I began doing this and it has really helped me out. Awesome to know that there's programmers who think in these ways. Even more so to actually see it written in helpful ways. Thanks for sharing! I can't really elaborate on how much it helps to do yoga, take a walk and drink less coffee.
  • 2
    6y
    Man I wish I could give you more ++'s. I have the same issues but havnt been brave enough to publicly admit them or actually do something about it. It takes a lot courage to be this honest, well done and thank you!
  • 4
    6y
    Luckily I've escaped the clinical depressions, but I absolutely have my share of rabbit holes I dig myself into.

    Being lonely with friends and family around rings true as you have noone to talk to about your deepest passion in life. Having hobbies or other interests that you can share with your loved ones is a life saver, but you still feel somewhat hollow.

    I've grown up with friends that cared nothing for computers and most of them were absolute luddites too, ridiculing me (in a somewhat friendly banter) for my online life. This was late 90's to mid 00's. Then one of them hooked up online and moved across country to settle down, so at least that banter stopped.

    Outside work, I still don't have dev friends, though I've managed to "aquire" a SysOps gone PM 😉 An at work I'm currently helpmg some guys accelerate their journey from novice to full dev. And yes, I've become so selfish and cynical that it is in part to finally have someone to share devhumour with 😊.
  • 0
    6y
    @Triskelion I'm familiar with that from Dr. Jordan Peterson's youtube channel. He was one of the individuals who worked on this program.

    I'm still planning to go in for 1-on-1 stuff but I'll look into this, thanks.
  • 3
    6y
    @Hakash Not to burst your bubble or anything but there's a difference between situational depression and clinical depression. Normal depression you can get out of. You don't get out of clinical depression, you just learn to manage it. (I.E. Me. But I do a pretty good job of managing it through a strict diet routine, meditation, time management, and keeping my circadian rhythm stable. )

    I think my issue is that the hobbies I used to have (video games especially) have pretty much fallen out of favor. One thing I need to figure out is a new hobby(hobbies?) that I can spend with normal people.
  • 3
    6y
    @starrynights89 No bubbles burst here, as that was my point, though poorly formulated. I've evaded the clinical depression and just have the lighter ones a handful of times a year. I've somewhat learned to spot the signs by now, and that lets me course correct early enough so they don't hit hard.

    I have non-dev friends that have gotten the clinical depression after not being able to get out of situational depression in time, making it "chronic". The situation being poor work life balance, high stress levels due to work and ensuing strong angsiety. Culminated in a sort of panic attack for one of them, and he never really recovered. He can't drink without becoming suicidal now, but has no problem controlling that after he learned that the hard way.

    I had similar balancing issues, but got enlightened about it and got out. New job, new issues, plus kids, but on top of it.

    I really applaud you for managing it the way you do. You give hope to others by sharing.
  • 1
    6y
    @starrynights89
    It's worth the moneys
    $29.90 for 2 suites without coupon
    With coupon $23.92
    2x present( virtues & failures ) - future - past authoring programs

    Coupon code:
    - willink
    - h3h3
    for 25% off

    For a hobby BJJ is good.
    You'll build confidence with physical exercise.
    2x a week the people in the gyms are from all walks of life.
  • 2
    6y
    I found myself feeling the same way for quite a while, causing me to become more and more closed-minded about my code and the programming world in general.

    I have recently discovered that this mindset comes from a deeper insecurity and fear of not being recognized for the intense amount of work it takes to stay relevant in this field.

    Learn to let go and watch life unfold before you.
  • 0
    6y
    @BeardedFists Good advice. That may be one underlying cause of my insecurity. Something I should bring up with my therapy.

    Thanks. :)
  • 1
    6y
    @zakrabbin I don't think that's something I'd advise because eventually you'll need to let out the pent-up energy somewhere...Like here! 🤣
  • 2
    6y
    I know that feel.
    It's nice if you can fix things when people scream at devices, but please never mention you struggle in maths or some coding stuff, you can see the disinterest in their eyes the moment they turn around and watch TV or do anything else. Sometimes they are so kind and say "Sorry, but I don't know anything about the stuff you do" ... Yeah, because you don't f*****g care!
  • 0
    6y
    I think it's really great to have passionate people around me. They understand my passions and there is a lot new stuff you can learn from them. But not many are good listeners, so I try my best to be one myself.
  • 0
    6y
    Couple of years ago, I fell in a deep depression due to failing in school and many social life problems.

    I felt like nobody could understand me and my problems, and I started having serious confidence and self-esteem issues.

    I went to several therapists and even got some pills but nothing ever helped me. The only thing which helped me getting out of all this was my computer.

    I spent hours watching Youtube videos and slowly but surely, I started to code. That really helped me to finally be good at something. The fact that I was able to learn something from scratch by myself without any help got me out of that depression.

    I can say that computer science and programming saved my life since I don't think I would have survived this phase of my life without it.
  • 0
    6y
    Seems to me that most of a dev's problems are actually caused by normal non-dev close-minded humans. Not saying that's the specific qualitative criteria but there you go. Honestly, this just makes my displeasure with the human race to rise to unprecedented heights.

    As for the dev in question, hopefully you'll last, we need people like you. Also, to hell with your loved ones if they're the cause of this. To me, if they cause this knowingly (and they probably do, it's not like they don't know that not listening to people makes them depressed) then they're not worth the trouble of loving them.
  • 0
    6y
    i've always been (ar at least felt) misunderstood/alien, so learning programming only added something positive for me.

    it wasn't just "you don't understand..."
    it has become "you don't understand the amazing and horrible things i have seen, learned, the awesome (and atrocious) things i can do, the magical world you are losing out on..."

    it gave me some... pride (the good kind), as well as some smugness, but both became a great defensive line/compensation for the loneliness i felt anyway.

    lately it seems to be ceasing to work, though...
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