I wanted her to be the one. But trying it again for another year I was not excited to put a ring on her finger. I wanted the idea of us to work but it never materialized or clicked in reality. I admired her more than anyone. Connected to her more than those before. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of no, not here. I even lost myself for a bit in denial. But even if I doubted my doubts, and devolved / gave away my agency / belief in my wholeness so she could confirm / deny my reality I couldn’t move forward with peaceful joyful resolve. And so I will continue to rant now as a single developer. She will write her c++ and Java elsewhere. And I will grow and build from a more solid natural spot myself. No need to sacrifice gut feelings to make an almost right relationship work at the expense of internal peace. Living perpetually in an ambiguous relationship is its own kind of hell. And worse than being alone. But I don’t regret trying. And she deserves all the happiness and healing in the world. Yes she had a dark side. Yes we may not have aligned in core body level uplifting energies. But I never doubted her heart and true self for a moment. And I thank her for all she has taught me. In pain of the bad times and in the good of the positive memories and moments.