!dev, depressing topic warning

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Thanks for the update and for me to get a new one and it was the same as the one I have is a trial run to the store and get some rest and feel better soon and that is why I am asking for a friend to talk to you about your day and I don't know yet if I can get it to me by the end of the day I was in the shower and then I will be able to make it
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Do you ever feel there's like no real point to life, like you could die tomorrow, you wouldn't really care?

I feel life is ok, I've got it a lot better then others in my situation at least financially. But in terms of relationships probably not and I don't have much interest in developing any.

And looking at the future, I just don't see it going anywhere or getting any better? I could be easily replaced, forgotten, not doing anything meaningful.... And the only other people that would notice and remember are my parents.

I enjoy doing things but in the long run they make no difference. I can have short term goals like maybe for the next few weeks, months but if someone asks where do I what to be a year from now, what do I want to accomplish, there answer is "I don't know and I don't care"...

And I guess that's the point, each day sorta just feels like whatever...

Same, friend. But does life need to have a purpose or a grand plan? Isn't it allowed to just.. Exist? I mean what else can you really do? Nothing has meaning except what we assign to it, really.

Commenting because I'll come back to this post very soon.

@Elyz so each day is fine but in the long run it makes no difference. Sorta feels like if I want something really exciting to happen (not even sure what exciting is it perhaps I've already reached the peak of exciting) is just luck.

Working hard each day, putting in effort hasn't and won't pay off much later.

Had big dreams before, but reality sort of crushes them so they get smaller and smaller... So in terms of getting somewhere in like, career, relationships, there's no point in trying... invest any extra effort. Either it will happen or it won't, I'm done trying to take control of it, just leave it up to luck....

I totally understand that feeling, because I have been having it for about a decade now.

Then silverlining is that you are not alone.

You'll read some allusions to rich people like Jack Ma or so, yeah, working hard and smart and yadda yadda. The truth is, there were MILLIONS who ALSO followed those principles and did NOT become rich because they didn't have the luck.

Yeah in the end we'll all die, that's OK, and once those die who knew us, nobody will remember us. That's mortality.

But today is yours. It's meaningful if you give it meaning.

Need some refreshment. I had a time a bit like that and some one dared me to walk part of santiago de compostella in spain.

I got motivated bought a tent， travel bag and a bit of gear， got my long time pot head buddy bro with me and off we went.

We started in the south of france and covered 850km in about 35 days.

The first week was freacking horrible. I will always remember the dude that served us our first drink after 3km walking in 35 degrees. He asked us where we were going and both of us super motivated told him yo spain. He stopped and stared and fucking burst out laughing and told us “youll never get there”.

Fuck yeah we did. And ive never felt better in my life than after 850km walking.

Its worth a try， met loads of great people and there not all christians. Plua you get a real pilgrim diploma written in latin with your name and old people visiting the city take pictures of you like your a living relic.

@gintko being smart and hard work are ingredients unless your parents are already rich. But necessary isn't sufficient. Luck is also necessary.

You just don't read about the millions who were smart and worked hard and still failed, so that's confirmation bias at work here.

Life doesn't give you a meaning, you give a meaning to life.

Mine is: as long as I'm capable and willing of perceiving happiness (through the physical world and the thought), my life is worth of living, else not.
Or:
do
{
Live();
} while (capableAndWillingOfHappinessThrough(physicalWorld & thought));

Long term goals are important only if you want to accomplish something, otherwise many people do live without totally fine.

@h4xx3r Jean-Paul Sartre.

Thanks all. I think I'm starting to realize what the cause is... It's definitely the job and issues I have to deal with...

I'm just tired of working in a group of monkeys, the boss being one of them... asking for changes in things they we already decided on a week/month which would basically require reworking the whole thing or making some hacky change that will blow up and make things worse in the long run.

And rules that are constantly changing... It's like "who moved my cheese" but every fucking day.

But the thing is I don't see a way out... Find a new job, well that takes time and I gotta learn all the algo crap that you'll never need. I can do most jobs if you just let me do it but no you want me to study and prepare for some reason questions testing knowledge that is rarely used... Rather than the skills I use every day they would actually be useful...

Yes sorry just had to rant. Today just feels like Fuck It... So fire me... 6 months vacation where I can prepare and interview all I want...

But then I don't have insurance and so if anything bad happens need a surgery, I'm fucked even more. Which I guess goes back to my original question...

If it was just me is probably seriously be thinking of ways to get laid off but with my parents, they're just going to go "are you crazy?!!!!"

I promised I'll reply to this thread. So here it is:

I wanted to give you this motivational talk and with positive vibe to help you through this. Then I realized it is pointless because I feel like you do and I'd punch anyone that'd give me a motivation speech.

Take ownership of your life and start working to improve it.

You need to find a goal. Start with simple stuff. Stuff you can measure your progress. Like finishing 4 books in 4 months.

Once you are comfortable with smaller goals, move to bigger ones.

Focus on being disciplined. I don't care what your goal is, w/o discipline you just wont achieve it.

Start hitting the Gym. A one hour workout will help you get rid of all that stress. Go early in the morning and you'll feel great for the rest of the day.

Learn to be comfortable being alone.

I'm going through the same shit as you and going through this one step at a time. Hopefully it is just a phase... if not, then fuck it all 🤘

@MrCSharp so actually what started this all was my year end review. Basically your doing great but keep going. Which isn't by itself bad but I've been stagnant in this position and most of the time is spent dealing with monkeys rather then working on new things, learning. I'm a senior dev but honestly the stuff I work on day to say could be done by a junior or intermediate...

So that led me to thinking about finding a new job and this is where the depression starts.

Because not only do I have to deal with recruiters and explain to them I'm deaf. And that probably leaves a bad impression on interviewers as well. Why hire this guy when you can get a normie that can probably do just as well...

Then there's all the algo stuff that we all know will rarely be used but is treated as the Holy Grail that every good developer needs to know.

And when they ask about experience, all I can say is I use these languages. Do you have job experience multithreading? No. Sockets, cloud/batch computing? No.

And then I can't really tell them that I probably have more coding experience than most people... Just not on the job or using all these specialized skills that can rely only be learned in an Enterprise environment. (I can probably pick it up within a few months if you actually gave me a chance to use and try them, I'm pretty sure I can code that's where I've been doing for the last 20yrs on my own time). I mean how the hell can you learn distributed computing/big data by yourself? I don't have a fucking used case for it... The last time my parents spent $200k and well I barely got anything out of it other then universities are junk... Or at least mine...

But it a ramble but just no matter what I do, in situations that involve other people, it doesn't matter. I have to be like fucking famous just to be recognized.

TLDR: when I'm in my own world it's ok. When I have to deal with others in the real world, I'm pretty much fucked the moment they see me (I don't look normal) or learn I'm deaf. When I do have interviews, I sometimes just feel they're being nice because they have to, but they've already decided the moment I walk in.