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I can't really tell what the root cause is from your post
If I had to guess it sounds like maybe you care more about what other people think about you than actually getting what you want. If so that attitude is total poison man and you need to find a way to get rid of it ASAP
e.g. if you get a job interview at a company you like, it's a freeroll - you risk almost nothing by trying and can gain a job you like if it works, a sweet deal
However, many people actually dread this freeroll because it may be awkward when you both realize they're not hiring you 10 mins in. Is that you? The solution for this is to shame yourself publicly until you have no shame left
It could also be that you tell yourself you want a job as a programmer but you really don't. Maybe other people want you to be a programmer and you're trying to make them happy. This attitude is also poison :D If this is you, you may find interviews to be a breeze because you don't really care -
@ArtOfBBQ I really do want to be a dev professionally, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do I just don’t know what kind of dev job I’d be happy with, I’ve been prepping for a backend position because I enjoy backend but I also really love automation and I know that automation jobs are out there but I’m not as great with that so I don’t want to go for that if that makes sense
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That's cool. Would you do me a favor and watch this video? It really resonates with me and I think it makes a good case for you pursuing the job you really want.
https://youtu.be/EBuXEt-g1Z0 -
@ArtOfBBQ I completely agree, and I know that this is something I love to do, I don’t really have any other interests that I want to pursue i just have massive anxiety about when I do have a job
Also good video -
@rutee07 well flask is just the recent killer of my sanity this is just everything that’s bottled up, but my only problem with it is just that I don’t know it well yet and I just really don’t know where to ask for help because SO doesn’t appreciate my existence and I don’t want to bug anyone directly with my problems (no pun intended)
But I am good at taking breaks but when I take breaks I always feel like I should be doing more since I don’t do it as often as I believe I should.
This is just a bunch of things I needed to get out that I’ve been holding in for a while now.
Recently I’ve found myself In this state where I feel so depressed, lazy, and just pressured to program in general. I feel like it comes from me dismissing my abilities a lot of the time and I get demotivated to do stuff but at the same time when I do sit down and code I get distracted so easily, I can get work done but I just feel like I’m everywhere.
I want to apply for positions but I’m in this duality where I both feel like I can or can’t do it, I feel like wherever I apply to will not be accepting to people that don’t have a big degree or a ton of work experience and that I’ll get fucked on it. I’m fucking anxious that if I do get a job they will be like “hey fucking do X” and I will have no fucking clue how to even do X, and I’ve had people tell me that they know for a fact I can do it but I still fucking can’t believe it because I just completely doubt myself because I have failed at things like learning certain frameworks or failing to make the things I want and having to turn to simpler projects first because I’m too overwhelmed by the scale and I didn’t do any thinking about it before hand.
I don’t know if I’m making sense at all, I always write out rants like this and I always just erase them because I fucking hate whining like this but I need to let it out before I go more crazy I’ve been holding so much in for a long time now and it’s not been good.
I just over all feel terrible, anxious, and unproductive and I want it to stop.
rant
let it out
letting off steam