Back in Hell, we had a “company summit” where everyone flew in for an all hands meeting.

It was three days long in a tiny office with very lacking air conditioning in the middle of a Las Vegas summer. Basically the entire thing was the CEO / goblin salesman king chewing at us and expounding about / proselytizing his latest and greatest sales ideas and how they’ll change the world. And randomly asking “which of you are HUNGRY?! Which of you want to be FILTHY FUCKING RICH?!” etc.

One good thing came out of it, which was that any and all new endeavors needed a “co-signer” and a sign off from development before we (developers, or more accurate: just me) would work on it. It reduced the growth rate of my backlog by like 80%, which was nice.

While dreading the “summit,” I hated him more than I had in quite awhile.

During the summit, I hated him more and even flipped him off.

After the summit, I swore to leave the revolting wreckage that was the company.

(And months later, I did just that —after becoming the sole dev and the only person holding the damned company afloat. When I gave him my two weeks’ notice, I absolutely relished his terror. And my time spent writing my 43 page no-sugarcoat handoff document that was guaranteed to scare off any hapless dev he might find. 😇)

But I digress, three 10-hour days with him and the rest of the sales team, the sleazy lawyer, the CTO who mentally checked out years ago, the yes-man contractor, and me. The only good thing that came out of that meeting was one good idea that he dismissed, and the sign off idea that saved my backlog a bit.

One of the sales people quit shortly thereafter. So it was a huge expense that wasted everyone’s time and added absolutely nothing of value to the company. GG!

Oh, it was also in the “totally better” office — meaning… cheaper, unfinished (literally plywood floors), and was one room in another company’s office, who often locked the door leading to their offices because they trusted him so much. But it was in downtown Las Vegas, with no parking at all, where gang members were hanging out almost every day, and it was next to low-income housing and weird no-service restaurants with shockingly high prices.

Weird and scary.
Very scary.

Totally carried pepper spray every time Mr. Goblin asshole forced me to go into the office. Didn’t get raped, though, or my laptop or car stolen. So that was nice.

  • 2
    Were you waiting for him to collapse of a heart attack during his shout fests?
  • 1
    Just imagine her fat boss: root!! Im going to kill you!! Wait! I ran 2 feet! My chest is exploding! Arrrghh you’ll never see the last of me! *dies of a fat Big Mac heart attack and lets out a grosteque fart post mortem*
  • 0
    Now that's an awe-some/ful (can't decide which one) story. Would totally like to watch a movie based on that.

    And yes, forced-positive-thinking sales people suck. And merketing meetings suck even more.
  • 0
    That summit sounds like a MLM sales pitch
  • 1
    Honestly I struggle to see any all-hands meeting’s purpose

    All the ones I have attended to were either CEO + marketing trying to mislead the fact shit hit the fan (or jerking on the results on positive meetings) or bs which could be summed up on a mail.

    Don’t get me wrong, I like to know if I need to search for another job cause company of going bad, but a mail and a q&a session on meets with our camera off will do it. Camera off to keep working in case the current question is not interesting.
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