25
soull00t
189d

how to become a true scum master:

- formulate jira tasks for your inferiors as vague as possible, best they don't make any sense

- before sprint start, ask the subhuman being to estimate storypoints, and if they say they can't really tell with this description and choose the highest estimate, say "okay, let's estimate it to one sprint length", so they can actually work on it within one sprint (which makes total sense)

- if the scum dares to question the content of the ticket and begs for more details, be like teflon and give no useful answer at all. if they continue asking for a meeting to discuss the ticket, tell them to have a meeting with a coworker about it (who also has no clue). don't be available for them because you have more important stuff to do.

- bully them during daily standups that they didn't create clear subtasks from this task and criticize them because you have no idea what they are doing. tell them they are having performance issues and suspect them to sit on their lazy asses all day.

- criticize the team in general for bad performance, bad item tracking and never say something nice, to make sure everybody loses even the last bit of intrinsic motivation for the project.

stay tuned to learn how to make yourself a skull throne out of those filthy dev smartasses ^.^

Comments
  • 7
    - Add in more reporting, ofc don't just use the Jira status view, then complain why people aren't working on the actual tasks.

    - When the deadline approaches, increase the reporting frequency, at least twice per day. More reporting surely makes the project finish earlier.
  • 1
    A scrum master is not a project manager
  • 1
    @Crost in this case, he is ^^'
  • 1
    This wants me to take a gun and shoot this guy in the scrotum.
  • 5
    @soull00t Just comment that the ticket should be clarified by stakeholders, and summon endless meetings with scum and SO.
    meetings about work ==> actual work.
    keep hammring "action item"/"velocity"/"delierables"/"DOD"/"customer value" in the meetings - until you are promoted or find a better job.
  • 1
    Yep, that pretty much nails it.
  • 2
    Sorry, I have no time.

    Later: Why did you not talk to me and coordinate the priorities?
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