Is it just me ...or are other developers bad at relationships too?

Nope, it's not just you.

It's a curse and a blessing at the same time to be a developer.

Being a developer or a I.T person is quite a anti social hobby, its hard to balance them.

That's normal. Actually I could easily find a gf but I didn't find one that fits my taste yet and I don't really care about a relationshit right now because I was in love with a girl in my class and everything was going well but somehow I fucked it up :/ I'm 17 btw
Social life is hard...

Fairly common.

Maybe there should be a dating platform for devs, where the matching would pair the interests, languages and opinions of each other x)

@lotd 😁

I found (and married) someone who is my complete opposite!
I'm INTJ, she's ENFP. I'm a cave-dwelling programmer, she's a super-social sales rockstar.
But we balance each other out, and fill one another's weaknesses.
Despite our differences, we just 'get' each other.

Before her, absolutely, dating was a nightmare. I'd basically given up. Most of the females I'd dated before her complained that I was:
-strange (one even said creepy!)
-too withdrawn
-didn't talk enough
-autistic (I'm not, and if I was it shouldn't be a -bad- thing)
-too plugged in

Just keep in mind that those of us who are drawn to programming -are- a little (or sometimes a lot) odd. It really does take someone with a few quirks of their own to 'get' us. Also means dating can be a trial.

Good luck!

@lotd filter by tabs and spaces.

Should I query ex girlfriends, my ex wife, or my wife?

It becomes easier as you get experience working with more data models. Eventually it will be obvious what types of relationships you need.

Well... A friend told me:

In your line of work 1+1=2

When you look for a date you need to understand that 1+1 = 16 or 4 or 8 or whatever the fuck your crush wants it to be...

In other words be flexible!

Well I mean...I was bad at relationships for a long time but not since I've been a dev

@lotd I cannot believe this is not a thing

@bighead lol this boat is getting pretty Full

@scout nope. I was in relationships with 6 different girls within the last 3 years (everyone cheated me :/) and now I'm single and not hoping to start a relationship with anyone any sooner. So now I'm enjoying myself,my time, my freedom and more importantly loving myself than I ever did before.

It's quite easy people. If you want to become a great dev first, set it as your top priority and don't search for any relationship. But if you want relationship you have to find time for it. A lot. Don't give up on being dev because you end up being desperate. You must have a hobby. And don't make relationships with anyone just because that's the only person you can spend time with at that moment. Many people can pull you to the bottom of the ocean with their attitude. Don't change your priorities because someone is requesting it (they're not worth it if they do that). Change them only for yourself.

And you also have to go outside sometimes. That's pretty damn important ;)

@Treighton Mmh. Could collab it ;D

Edit. This turned out to be more about devs social problems, but I think it leads directly to "why devs are worse at relationships", especially "in its early stages" or "why it's harder to get into relationship as a dev".

I think being a dev != bad at relationship. Actually we (devs) make it a problem.

1. Many of us, when meet a girl, we introduce ourselves and asked about our passion we answer like "Ugh, you know, i'm a dev, but I have lots of other hobbies too". I mean, what the fuck? Even if code was your only hobby then make it sound fucking amazing (cuz it is). Don't make excuses, because you kill your image in her eyes. If you really have other hobbies just numerate them together with dev.

2. It's not only about devs, but intelligent people in general (not all devs are intelligent tho). What I find fuckin annoying is when intelligent people correct others every time making fun of them by the way. It's not about girls only, generally a social problem. Imagine you're that sexy girl looking at such situation from third person. Why would you be interested in such arrogant jerk. RESPECT OTHERS, not only the girl you want to be with. Especially when she's nearby.

3. You always wait for an invitation to come? Are you a fucking daemon or what? Go, move your ass. Call your friends (including this sexy girl you've introduced yourself in 1. point) and invite them somewhere. I don't know, make sure all are satisfied. Bowling is a good thing, or billiard. Have a good time. If you improve you social skills, you will also improve your relationships.

4. There are many other problems with devs in society. If you are interested in discussion, let me know.

One thing I have noted with many devs, myself included..

Is a tendency to encapsulate self inside a bubble, never truly letting the self surface and in turn lacking the ability to experience pleasure & joy, which is often getting explained as being "dead inside" .

@osterr please explain more of 4.

What is a relationship, outside of SQL?

devs being bad at relationships doesn't imply that non-devs aren't

I think humans in general are at a state of mental evolution that makes us unable to have simple "relationships" (like most other animals) or to have logical ones (like a hypothetically smarter creature) .. so no, it's not just u

Yup, although that's probably more because of my upbringing instead of being a dev.

I grew up surrounded by autistic people, I learned to understand them. But now I have trouble understanding normal people sometimes.

Currently my relationship is in in a quantum state. Where I don't know if it still exists or not. Because she broke it off, because there was no mystery, and I wasn't showing a lot of emotion(i feel it a lot, just have a hard time showing it) and i wasn't adventurous enough.
but she isn't sure because we love each other. So until we meet and observer it, we don't know. (Or at least I don't)

Dating platform for devs would be great. A platform that actually works instead of the current bs.

@moortuvivens Mmh, not to blow your candle. But I'd say it's dead.

I have experienced similar situation, and not letting it go, ended up extremely painful.

Be weary of keeping one sided feelings alive.
it might grow into feeling like beating a dead fish.

@lotd yeah, I know. I tell myself every day it's over. Sadly my hearth isn't listening

@moortuvivens I know that feeling...

The only remedy I found, was to simply be apart and interact minimally..

If you keep seeing each other, it's hell until you've come to terms with it... Or at least that's my experience.

Try to keep your mind as busy as possible..
I spent most my recovery time, drowning myself with rediculously long and hard gym sessions, playing games & developing..

And don't trap it inside. Talk about it..

Personally, I'm very guilty of closing up like a clam and faking happiness with a facade..

Stay strong.

@lotd I've sorta been here before.
I know that after a breakup is a chance for growth.
I've also had a depression already, so I know how prevent it and if needed to identify it and overcome it.

I'll will be okay. After every set back I come back stronger. And I'm good on my own, its a time when I bring my love for myself to greater heights