I regret running apt-get upgrade on this fucking shitty ass laptop with a potato CPU.

So, why don't you just use Arch Linux? Pacman is the fastest package management I know. Even on a Potato PC.

sudo pacman -Syu ... and it's finished in 10 seconds.

@tracktraps can confirm. Pacman is love

Might wanna try void Linux.
I've noted some surprisingly good performance, even on an old Intel celeron :)

If you have weaker hardware, I would recommend the following distros (I have tried all of them, btw: all are memdisk compatible):

SwagArch (my favourite)
ArchLabs Linux
Antergos (lxqt,lxde)
4MLinux
VeltOS
RevengeOS
LiriOS
Slitaz
Feliz Linux
Netrunner Rolling
Artix Linux
SparkyLinux (Debian based)

Try Lubuntu

@ScribeOfGoD ubuntu based, so nothing changes

@tracktraps it's made for low end systems....

.

@TheDevil That's an interesting insight, sir.