apparently there's benevolent lizards and they actually have decent "reprogramming self" advice. like immunity to being eaten by the malevolent lizards which feed off fear and apparently anger (though they never fed on my anger... so I took why my anger can never be fed on and added it to the fear and now I can feel fear without getting pulled)

but really I don't know what's wrong with me. there's something in there that's just violently lashing out at everything like a cornered animal. and I don't even know why it's triggering. I don't think I existed with this before I had gotten sick. it's like sharp claws in a fuzzy ball like how one would imagine cats being just rapid razorblades. so fast and vicious

and even past that it's like. how do you even trust random aliens in the universe. humans are so shitty so why would they be any better? do they all parrot repeatedly what their authority figures tell them, also? do they manipulate each other? my dogma or eat shit kind of attitude? you do what they want or they try to outsmart you, domineer you?

I talked to the angels and they felt authoritarian. I don't know if that was something telling me that or they really are that way. and the demons trick you. at least I can respect that. maybe I'm just traveling on the wrong stream

met a guy irl and he was like, "nooo, my brother comes to visit us to see us?!". I was so confused. he doesn't use you? he just likes you? and here my last HR from a company, when my boss was abusing me and I conceptualized it as her not liking me, went at me for mentioning that I conceptualized it as her not liking me as if if anybody wants to be liked it should be shameful (I wasn't even saying that I wanted it... it was just fact to me, it was the literal diagnostic problem). she told me it's not about being liked. like it's somehow shameful to want to have a good atmosphere, to have a reason to have a cooperative atmosphere... and I don't actually know if everyone prior to this incident was using me the whole time and I just didn't notice it. since all those relations did eventually fall through for one reason or another -- either I left cuz they wanted to force something too hard, or they left because I refused to do what they wanted or wasn't "as they already wanted"

sigh