wtf this is still around: https://www.hyperiums.com/

played it in like 2003

the website they cite that the were rated 9/10 on is even gone now

nuts

what if you never die

what if you're constantly, with every conscious decision, on a choose your own adventure ride

what would you choose 👀

my luck is terrible

woke up this morning to a blizzard. I love snow though. had to walk middle of the road because the sidewalks had a meter of snow. so fun. tons of people shoveling their cars, interrupts to their day and awkward problem solving (love it!), even saw some people traversing the city in snowshoes... never seen Canadians not magically clear snow instantly!

got my stuff, came home, showered, put coffee on to make, decided I was gonna do a lot of laundry and clean the place. was listening to podcasts, ate cake and coffee, went nuts cleaning the apartment. even did some impromptu gardening because my plants needed some TLC. my muscles were exhausted and it was awesome

... got a new blanket on Valentine's day from the boyfriend. well turns out it's flammable or something. messed up my drying machine. ended up messing up the laundry load and just putting up clothes to dry hanging... lame. tried to fix the blanket best I can wtf.

... but while sweeping and trying to make sure the drying machine was adequately vented out... my phone slipped out of my hoodie pocket and dropped on my toe... and cracked in half

I am in despair now, irrationally

I also feel irrational fear on the matter

the phone works perfectly fine... there's just a crack across. sensors all good, visuals all fine. but noticing the air bubble in the screen protector, the tiny crack in the correct lighting, just makes me feel like such crap

feel so cursed and like everything I touch breaks. my laptop is also broken... a screw fell off the corner. I just feel so cursed. grrrr. and I don't get the irrational fear. now the reminder on my phone screen... this phone slips out of everything, I've had it fall often, but I guess because this time it landed on my toe and not flat on the screen the weight distribution made it crack. probably next time it slips somewhere it will break entirely 😔

just irrationally in fear, grief, whyyy 😭

lol the solution to "ohno if I try this everything goes fuck" happening with everything

is to do all the everything's that make it go fuck _at the same time_

and then somehow all the problems solve themselves

life does have a sense of humour

tfw you make cake as medicine

and prescribe yourself eating cake as medicine

which now you're doomed to have a weekly schedule of baking cake

and eating it

as medicine

prescribed desserts. as medicine.

I have evidently figured out how to make cake that reduces insulin resistance lol
and it literally... is more effective if you have lots of carbs and sugar with it
therefore
the medicine
is cake

coffee coffee coffee

people saying no to good things is so weird

i'd never say no to good things

though often people will use good things to lure you and mess with you. so I got trust issues from that (and deservedly so, because it still happens and that's largely how every ecosystem functions)

but I'd never say no to good things. and somehow people say no specifically if it's a truly good thing. wild

I like that they do, also. more for me I guess. then there's no competition. it's pretty chill

it's just hard to find the actual good things instead of those bait and switch

I want to find the people that fear truly good things. I want to hear what they rejected so I can get that thing instead 😁

just put everything I've been running for months into a bash startup script and it's all ticking along nicely...

yay I never have to look at these scripts again. unless they break in workspace 10

oddly proud of myself for solving this annoyance of having to manage scripts problem. literally my brain was too damaged to be able to figure out how to not have to manually manage scripts for like a year now and that is sad because the answer is obvious as all heck but I just "didn't feel" like it "would work" like that makes any sense. just literally didn't have the brainpower to imagine myself in a future where scripts would run on their own, that's how sad it is

just in time for this coffee to give me dementia... back to the brain of a 80 year old I go...

I have seen many debates on how children are taught but rarely about what they are taught. This reminds me of my mother who used to tell Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on the door that ‘we’re Church of England’. We weren’t and our family never saw the inside of a church except for weddings and funerals (thank you God). But my mother had sorted out our official spirituality with the holding position of ‘we’re Church of England.’ In the same way, most people don’t question what is taught in schools any more than my mother thought about religion. It was like just ‘there’. We lived in England and it had a Church so ‘we’re Church of England’ was enough without delving into detail, thank you. Most people treat education just the same. It’s a school and that’s enough delving into detail, thanks very much. What goes on there? They have lessons and stuff. What lessons and stuff? Well, they’re taught what they need to know. And what’s that? Well, lessons and stuff. Phantom Self has an image of how things are, an image supplied by the program, but for the most part knows or seeks precious little detail about anything

evidently by definition happiness is hyperfocus

which makes me wonder why people attack it so much. if they see you focused... they hate on you and try to ruin it. your focus has to be on every little random thing they want instead

it's an interrupt of your consciousness

interestingly, I can multitask and hyperfocus... but a person wanting attention is different. I can even talk to multiple people at once and be gaming solo, and I handle it fine... I can be working on multiple tickets, multiple emergencies at once, and it just feels like being the conductor of an orchestra in my head. but it's like... for some reason a manager ruining your flow is somehow different. it breaks you out of that happiness hyperfocus. it interrupts everything and your mind clears itself. all the context drops. what is that?

and then you start to fear it... that it will happen. and if you don't switch it fast enough, somehow management thinks you're a bad person, and they get "issues" with you. so you have to always be on alert to drop your hyperfocus... until one day you just cease to ever go into it. you can't even enter it when you want to, because you think at any moment you'll miss someone wanting you to pay attention to them, you'll miss some random bit of information that you see out of the corner of your eye but ignore because you're in hyper focus and it isn't part of your orchestra, isn't part of your context. and then calamity strikes

if hyperfocus is happiness, then what is the interrupt? why does it exist? why can certain activities be done perfectly fine in "hyperfocus", but others cannot, and drop you out of it?

getting really tired of finding out that anything "popular" has the same damned globalist eugenics pedo cult behind it

either people can't make anything on their own or we are so fucked with everything so controlled you literally can't pop up as an entity unless you sell your soul to the literal unironic bond villains of the world first so they will let you pass through the channels

they even make alternative channels when they've tanked the reputation of their previous channels. and it's by the same damned people again, but they just lay in wait... to become popular. feeding off of the tension, pretending they're not the same entity...until it gets popular and then it becomes the same damned perverted thing via a takeover from within

how do you even escape this stupid prison

anyone of any importance has been bought. you need their cooperation to ride on their fame. so anything that gets any fame is the same damned game, again and again. it's like a creep that won't take no for an answer, comes back with a different mask like some endless remakes of Scooby-doo

do you have an innate instinct to respect authority or those with status?

where does it come from? how does it feel? how do you experience it?

why do people want to be admired?

if you want to be admired what hole does it fill?

someone called me schizo earlier today and this has been happening increasingly so I actually made an attempt to look into it

it was a Russian guy and he claimed it happens normally and I just give that vibe. ok. so go on wiki and switch schizo wiki page to Russian. the Russians have so much more nerdy wiki pages and I just love it

tldr; schizo isn't really a real thing. the correlation is life trauma and social exclusion, and you have more dopamine in the limbic (emotional wanting) part of your brain than the neocortex (thinking, planning) part of your brain and this burns out your emotions and gives you apathy but also gives you hallucinations and neocortex atrophy because no dopamine for adequate thinking

and the anglosphere says 80% genetic... but Russian wiki says if you backtest there's zero genetic correlations (and also very long tirades about how unreliable diagnosing anyone goes... also medication worsens outcomes and CBT and supportive environment cures people fine HMMM)

so basically it seems like... a lifetime of wanting things emotionally but no matter what you do you're not allowed to have them and them's the rules, malforms brains into apathy, delusional thinking, and underpowered logicking ability. so then the doublebind theory really does drive people insane... and schizophrenia doesn't really exist. there was also a curious theme of schizos being "frustrated" which tracks with this theory

idk people keep posting such non-dev things on here

oh yeah wtf, they do insulin comatose therapy? it actually works also. the Russian wiki says it doesn't but apparently if you apply insulin to the brain the limbic system that has high dopamine in schizophrenia has a reduction of dopamine... because the recycling neurons in that area will start recycling the dopamine fast if you give them insulin. so it would literally work. I don't know about pumping someone so much full of insulin that they go into a coma though. i've never even heard of that. BUT SO COOL

... also there was a quote on there about how neurologically they can't tell the difference between depressed brains and schizophrenic brains lol

people fight over credit for progress instead of doing the progress

pretty funny that the one thing the indecisive man is certain of is that your decisiveness is an affront to his existence

uhhh wtf i've slept 9 solid hours

this hasn't happened to me in like 6 years

I may have found the perfect drug cocktail for my brain inflammation, which incidentally works for my lifelong curse of insomnia I guess

my pupils are back to being big when I get these drugs right and I am so not used to being assaulted by my brain at all times. that's how my life used to be before I got sick. it's like smart person syndrome. I cease to see the actual world and just see 95% the associations of it in front of me... honestly I kind of liked seeing the actual physical world. isn't that strange? I always felt very weird, and like I was ADHD. problem is I think by hallucinating / through high imagination so I can't see what's in front of me and sort of "get lost" lol

and the other day I rejected someone because all my brain context loaded up some other activity so I didn't want to switch to their activity. that used to happen to me before my brain got empty. I feel so mean when I do that

how do I drive this thing

I keep thinking back to that drill thing that the Americans believe in

"if you wait to feel to do it you'll never do it"

and I was curious about that advice. maybe it's right. but now that I'm sick and have brain issues I know that there's no point in doing anything unless you have your health. everything I spent years nerding out about just fell out of my brain. your health is the multiplier to everything else. the bedrock that makes everything else possible. everything you learn is only maintained if you're healthy, and you lose it all if that health ever fails you. what happened to me

and low-mood is often the symptom of brain issues cropping in; inflammation, a failing immune system. so I think I should've taken note of that instead of powering through things not thinking twice about it

python libraries don't belong in Linux

idk where this stupid python-futures library came from but it just broke all the stupid python-only libraries I got. unfortunately no alternatives to them. evidently if I just remove python-futures and reinstall everything it broke it all works. bruh please

God I hate python

it's also very inefficient and these libraries take up so much CPU for no reason. they don't even do much but idle too high. python. not even once.

if human ingenuity is what gives humans value

and you get sick with dementia and can't think anymore

do you, as a human, have any value anymore?

TV show logic:

lying is bad, makes you a conmam, fraudster, charlatan, bad mother that's in and out of jail

unless you're the manager. then nobody questions it, and instead praises you for how well you "manage" people, makes you a good mother because you can tell child or grown up children exactly what they want to hear to get them to do the activity you want them to do... but now it's a virtue for no reason whatsoever

😒

TIL even Solana is switching from rust to C for performance reasons

whoopsie

I hate that I can't enjoy anything

it's like I'm cursed

i have this Cassandra's curse thing. the same way where I tell where what the future of their actions will be, but also just generally I'm not understandable by others when I say things or try to explain some higher level topics that are not 100% boring sequential facts

what I'm finding, annoyingly, is I can just say what I'm saying to the AI and then it will write 5 paragraphs explaining what I mean... and then I post it to the person and they understand it

-.-

why is it like this. why do I need this. I mean yay, I can be understood now I guess, but it's also so annoying. WHY AM I NOT UNDERSTOOD JUST BY MYSELF RAGH. I also can't believe people understand the over verbose things AI spits out. I find it annoying

> made tea 3 hours ago in a thermos
> got distracted by stuff
> tea still warm

it's the little things in life

if someone in the group blames you for something, do you "accept responsibility" even if you didn't do the thing?

why or why not?

urgh the nebulous decision between how fast you want a processing script to run vs how many computer resources you want it to use

apparently the ability to want to try something new is creativity...

the what. that bar seems too low?

can't beat human

TFW someone insults and demeans you repeatedly but keeps picking up habits and aesthetic and making decisions that copy yours...

???