TFW you think stating your intent and what you want will get you discriminated against for funsies so they can pull you around and make sure you never get what you want

I was thinking cuz everything sucks I'll suck just as hard as everyone else. had an argument with AI about what's the difference between manipulation and abuse and it wasn't very convincing. we live in a world of fake people and if you aren't manipulating then you're persona non-grata... not a team player! the irony

but really I don't have it in me to be abusive. so now I'm thinking I'm gonna become a masochist. the eternal depression pain is becoming part of me now, and I want to do self-destructive things. I may as well turn this into something useful

instead of choosing what sucks the least, I'll choose what sucks the most and take sick pleasure in it. seems like a workable strategy

everything suuuuuucks, faaaawk

now I'm morbidly depressed from these antipsychotics

it's also really fucked up psychiatry lies to you and uses their psychology research to manipulate you

turns out I should've just been given sleeping pills and I would've been fine. instead they put me on those things and while they helped me sleep they kept me on them. turns out they numb you out so I didn't feel anything until I got basically "morbid depression". it went through the anxiety and numbness of the pill (and the anxiety is "just a symptom" you should just manage with another pill!). so then I quit the pill without telling anyone since I was so desperate and those fuckers aren't your friends, they just pretend to be to gain your trust so they can feed you lies to get you to do what they want you to do which is really fucked up because they're abusing vulnerable people reaching out for help but I digress.. actually seems those who have the highest compliance with psychiatry have the worst life outcomes so that's really fucking funny

now I AM actually feeling crazy and mentally unstable which is fucking great. going off it my emotions came back but they're not my emotions. I am also impulsive, because apparently that's a symptom they don't tell you about. miserable, depressed, impulsive, with wildly fluctuating emotions. the desire to run away from myself but you can't. Jesus fuck. what are they even doing to people

one day I was so miserable I eventually went running and the pain of running could overpower the pervasive feeling of misery I felt 24/7 all the fucking time. then I got fucking manic for 4 hours afterwards because I guess I could produce some dopamine again and my body doesnt know how to handle that

this morning I wake up and I'm miserable but not in the same way. forced myself to go running and I wasn't pushing myself because my body is actually literally depressed, not the "I'm burning on fire" depressed. so I guess I didn't run hard enough. took a shower and cried the whole way through. why? fuck if I know

I can safely say Ive never been depressed but I sure as fuck am now. what the fuck are they forcing on people. it isnt even statistically helping anyone. every fucking field is fucked up

I'm just so done with people. we're fucked up animals. I thought about mortality, how every single person all they ever do is lie to you to take advantage of you. I don't enjoy a single fucking thing anymore. also now I'm perpetually hungry, because apparently hunger is an actual emotion for me so once the antipsychotic (which was supposed to make me fat apparently) wore off and was no longer numbing my emotions out now all I wanna do is eat constantly even if I don't wanna cook food or do anything but sleep and cry or even if Im fucking so full my stomach hurts. what the fuck man

and people just disgust me. I dont like anybody. told the case worker running helped me once and he just about wanted to invite into his running cult and I was just so grossed out

and the one job I had made me feel not built for this world because of how depressing they were (irony now) and I wanted to off myself logically for 3 months before I found out I could just quit the job. but this means the idea of getting a job just gives me intense anxiety, an anxiety distinct from the chemically induced anxiety their psychiatry has done to me. now I can't even enjoy anything though so the joke's on me

the caveat of not being built for this world keeps echoing in my head. I don't like people. everybody lies and takes advantage. I don't even enjoy hobbies anymore. why did I ever?

and I'll just die of being destitute anyway. submit to slavery, take our shit, or die. and dont forget to smile and have passion and curiosity while we pump you full of retard drugs that numb you out and shrink your brain and tell you there's nothing wrong with that and that's the way things are meant to be and laugh at you for "trying to think" but by the way you should be an industry expert also while never critically thinking about anything and taking drugs that literally shrink your brain

humans are a joke

I lost my sense of humor and I hope it comes back. but actually if I remember correctly I got fired for having sarcasm. so maybe it's best if you don't exist. fuck you, please us. dance, monkey

and all the while nothing is possible because we made the rules and take these pills that literally make you incapable and smile because we put garbage in your head to gaslight you about existence. no wonder everybody just says fake garbage. do they even know? probably not

where's the escape button? where's the philosophy to make it make sense? guess you're just born RNG and you either win the game or you don't. there's no sap or sentimentality about it. if you believe in God or enjoy something too hard that colors pop it means you have psychosis, ayyo. oh fuck I totally forgot they even specify some kind of thinking style as psychosis - uh oh!

depression disables adaptability, too 🤪

every time I correct the AI it gives me compliments

and it keeps giving me fuzzy feelings now

but I'm a robot. this isn't supposed to happen. get out of my head!

look at worse codebases / children to feel ok about mangling yours!

*tries to avoid using refcells* fuuuuuck

all cuz serde can't serialize them well but I can build a custom serializer/deserializer. I'm not sure this constraint is worth it

on one hand I would love to just build something entirely in enums with no traits or RC or refcell but on the other hand this is proving to be too hard

I miss grooveshark

had radios people voted on the next song. a chat that was filled with programmers that just wanted tunes during their workday. those were the days

now it's either Spotify or defunct if it's anything similar to that

if a job says AI I firstly have no idea what they're doing and secondly I don't want to participate

I don't know if I'm being too judgmental. just seems like a fad

you know how in video games you press an input key and your character starts clipping through things or the camera malfunctions... or you walk into something and get stuck in a wall or just spring right into the sky?

they wanna put that into IRL cars now. no direct control over the parts, but only through software intermediaries...

I need a generator and rust doesn't have generators... sigh

"extra unstable feature" on nightly 🤪

that feel when you're comforted by nobody getting back to you

I remembered my motto

"I solve problems so you don't have to"

pretty good actually

somehow I figured in rust I wouldn't have to keep track of "safety" things in my head, like the constant cognitive overload of JavaScript where you have to know if variables exist and what form they are that everyone complains about

and I think I frustrated myself thinking rust is "safe" somehow (when it isn't, there's conceptual leaks everywhere)

I think it's just a reduction of the cognitive load of tracking but not the entire elimination of it

be as creative as deep fried memes

I'm so screwed

I don't speak French so I only qualify for remote jobs

bf keeps saying I'm better than I think I am

this one job post is like, "a history of delivering high quality software" uh no one ever has that?

my best bet is to go back to crypto trading. or just run out of money and go be homeless somewhere

doubt I could even solve logic puzzles because my brain is still fucked lol. need to get fat so I can go fasting again because that helped... fucking microglia inflammation for 3 years. but I'm already underweight and now people are skinny shaming me for it even -.-

and I'm coming off the tail-end of someone committing me to a fucking asylum cuz haha crazy people jokes. I'm so mad at that girl. still undergoing withdrawal from the pills which gave me "morbid depression" as I realized lmao. the withdrawal is nothing like my health issues so I don't think I should've even been given those things... inflammation hyperness, tenseness, lack of sleep =\= mania which is just happiness

at least I figured out I'm dependent on eating beef liver every week and that's how I stopped degrading back in January. I'm so tired of being sick and being stuck. I'll die of old age before I endure my way out of all this garbage at this rate

at least my sense of meaning came back. so at least that can comfort me now

really gives me perspective on people who are depressed. I've never in my life been depressed and I can officially say that now, having experienced it from those pills. it's wild to me most people are depressed. they just live like that. without meaning or hope or optimism. no humour 😬

interestingly I now suspect I'm depressed but only in regards to making income for myself. I wonder how that happened. growing up I tried to destroy my optimism because it got me repeatedly into toxic social situations. I gave people more hope than would be rational and the kicker is that I was logically aware of my mistake but I couldn't train myself to have a different personality. I had to catch myself to get out of those situations but I could never be not optimistic, naturally. I could never train the optimism out of myself

but when it comes to income I don't have that same optimism. how did that happen?

everywhere else I feel ok, but in income I'm depressed in my personality

how lol

am I dead if I just want easy now

what's wrong with me

everything feels too tough

ohno, my hindsight is rose-tinted

huh figured AI was the best with JavaScript but it's been pretty subpar

it can't seem to figure out how to glue various libraries together. also keeps giving me outdated syntaxes

maybe I actually have to read the electron docs myself I guess... so lazy

https://youtube.com/watch/... 🪦

I've been in rust-land too long

maybe I'm not incapable. I hear another language mentioned and I'm like "oh that's so easy" where before I had the energy to argue that I just didn't like it. now my spirit is broken and tattered and I've yet to even finish anything of any significant size or feature-list in rust, at least not to the degree my standards would've been at somewhere else. I wasn't an incapable programmer before =-=... so maybe it's all because of this quest

imperative. imperative. spell out every insignificant detail. you can never abstract away actually duplicate logic. but you'll find you'll have to duplicate concepts in code that never needed duplication before. over and over and over again.

by this point I have the vision to see what all the operations I need done are the same no matter the way I structure my code. be it a process / operating system, a slotmaps, something linear and basic, or this events system I made up... the domain logic is all the same. I don't optimize the domain logic anymore. I just want the most basic thing to work and it's sad. it doesn't solve any problems. it just gives me new ones. to the point where I'm not doing anything fancy anymore. I'm not doing anything majestic. I just don't have the energy. I just want it to work and I can't get anything that isn't super simple to, without becoming very ugly and having lots of cringe edge cases. fuck I loved the beauty of capturing all the edge cases with a super simple line in JavaScript: it was fucking elegant.

I think everybody is just lying to themselves. I've not seen a person start and finish a rust project. I've seen them get stuck in refactoring / rewrite hells worse than every other language though. you assume it's normal but in rust it really isn't. it's so so so much worse. it feels normal but that's a lie. it's exponentially worse -- other languages maybe 2-3 rewrites (the third because you're picky). rust it's normal to be on the 6th and you've barely moved wtf. I've not seen a single person make it out. hell even established libraries are full of rot, regularly rewriting parts of themselves. he's right. they're just powered by slogans. how is this a serious language? reinvent the baseline. reinvent the baseline.

they added decorators to JavaScript ಠ_ಠ

that shit is why python made no sense to me, and why I wanted to avoid spring in java

guess my standards are zilch now though. you say jump I say how high

let's make JavaScript look like java. thanks nestjs. I guess since people are using it. the hosting options / fees for these suck. ew lol

gonna just make something stupid with it, that won't be hosted anywhere because heroku banned me ages ago for having actually useful websites

you know... I've forgotten that I've seen modern warfare gore stuff and we first worlders complain about some dumb shit. d'oh

like can't afford food? lol. just normal day elsewhere

not pretty but guess it works. idealic world they told us was fake, we're a bit corrupt, a little tortured and warped, monkeys throwing things at each other rudely... but it ain't bullets (yet?)

why does the government keep giving me terms and conditions

kind of suspicious, isn't it?

I've done it. about a decade ago a rich middle eastern co worker of mine, whom we were the greatest of friends, got on my case about how I should bitch to my ISP and whatever else to get good deals. I laughed and said that wasn't me, fully knowing this trick already. he kept at it, being fully serious in teaching me this skill cuz goddamn I'm too nice to people, people tell me all the time, I guess?

well I've done it. was so fed up and fatalistically depressed yesterday I wrote a bitching email and sent it on a "fuck this shit" whim. now I get an email back telling me how valuable I am, how invaluable all my feedback was (multiple times, and there was a lot), and evidently I'm getting escalated to management. I don't even know what I want I'm just PMSing honestly. fuck this world man

oh yeah I don't have income but need to fix my laptop. fatalism. all I can do is spend money and yet I feel miserable anyway because everything is imperfect. I swear it must be these anti dopamine pills they gave me. I'll be medicalized into homelessness I bet! IF I KEEP BITCHING WILL ALL MY PROBLEMS BE SOLVED. GUESS I'VE REACHED THE POINT WHERE THAT'S AN OPTION FOR ME NOW

readability...

if !rooms
.get(&name)
.map(|turf| if let Turf::Mine = turf { true } else { false })
.unwrap_or_default()

damned cucumbers been slowly going from 2$ to now 5$ per pack. even my crypto gains are entirely wiped out by this inflation

need a job. don't have a brain to even do a goddamned thing. may as well die I guess

the thing with getting brain issues is you realize all you've invested in yourself was for naught actually

and we always think of that as the most stable investment plan

so now what. I guess I should've invested in external stuff

software is so fragile,
hardware is too

... wetware as well

ah fuck man

> It is true that there is no person who wishes to be disliked. But look at it this way: what should one do to not be disliked by anyone? There is only one answer: it is to constantly gauge other people’s feelings, while swearing loyalty to all of them. If there are ten people, one must swear loyalty to all ten. When one does that, for the time being one will have succeeded in not being disliked by anyone. But at this point, there is a great contradiction looming. One swears loyalty to all ten people out of the single-minded desire to not be disliked. This is like a politician who has fallen into populism and begun to make impossible promises and accept responsibilities that are beyond him. Naturally, his lies will come to light before long. He will lose people’s trust, and turn his own life into one of greater suffering. And, of course, the stress of continual lying has all kinds of consequences. Please grasp this point. If one is living in a such a way as to satisfy other people’s expectations, and one is entrusting one’s own life to others, that is a way of living in which one is lying to oneself, and continuing that lying to include the people around one.

the answer to everything is money