think by this rate I'm just hallucinating trauma

I don't understand how you can feel nothing one moment then discover you have feelings... and then once you're done feeling those feelings do they just up and go away or is that me suppressing them?

I'm reasonably sure I'm actually default not a pussy though... now I'm just walking around as if forcing myself to perceive things like they're hurtful when they're not, and only a double take made me realize "wait, no..."

this is all very confusing

I think it was just unexpected that I had cared about anything and sort of didn't do my due diligence

and TF is "energy" psychologically speaking even. I think if yours is low you end up being paranoid and taking everything as pain. that's terribly confusing to me. so that's it, you gain more energy and then you're just good to go again? you can go walk through things and laugh again?

how does any of it make sense!

... NVM former roommate just texted subterfuge shit and I have lost 1/3rd of my energy -.-
guess I'll just keep waterboarding until I stabilize

upside though, seems I got too freaked out at certain notions and even TV shows and movies and songs. but I think the level I was at a moment ago I could've enjoyed them again without freaking out. something to look forward to I guess, ragh 😩