@retoor TF is lines of freedom

roomie treated me badly while he treated his "other friends" well. would fuck with me. to be fair I guess we were friends in my head and maybe we were never friends in his. I'm starting to notice my friend radar appears to be wrong and needs correcting

@retoor this is like that time I scoffed at the human centipede and watched it and now it lives rent free in my head and I really wanna unsee it

ha bill gates praised the rational optimist. of course he would. it's malthusian strategy

the greatest trick the devil ever pulled is to convince people he doesn't exist

if it's innate that humans trade, nobody could say you're not trading back and being a parasite because then they would go against the literature that says human beings are fundamentally good. you'd be a crockpot for calling out bad actors!

speaking of my job PTSD. I traded and they didn't. I always trade and people don't. though now I guess it's fine, cuz I got forced into taking a vaccine and now I have brain damage so I'm not even any use to people, can barely do everyday chores now. and the people I traded with abandoned me, even when I needed them. before I thought it was fine when they wouldn't trade back, cuz they knew I wasn't helpless, so they were just playing I thought. now I know they don't trade even if I'm helpless, and my wishful thinking got its bluff called

@retoor *looks up rational optimist*

mentions red queen... I knew a person who called themselves red queen and was obsessed about that thing (forget what the thing is now) and they seemed very stupid to me

rational optimist, innate human condition to trade and if we keep trading we thrive

it's not innate. this is equally as dumb.

it isn't innate at all. if you fail to do it you die, and you'll take a bunch of people with you that didn't fail to do it also. it's actually very fragile. I'd assume someone who doesn't trade would harm more trade people than their singular selves. it's like being a suicide bomber, a parasite, it's called rent seeking in economics or being a middle man

@retoor maybe being in the spotlight when people treat you badly you know who those people are just the same?

but then I don't know the mechanics of that. so they just knock down anything that they want or something?

I can understand treating someone badly because they're not important. it means you can reveal your true self to them because who is gonna listen to them? so it's a great position to be in, because you get lots of information of the real variety

but I don't know how to deal with spotlight dislikers (nro the benefits of being in a spotlight I guess, cuz anytime I end up there I wanna run off from it as quickly as possible so I never explored it)

@retoor hmmm I don't have a need to feel important

I do have a need for freedom though, so that's what kicked me

I still wanna spend money on stuff. just I can't because I was paid very little originally even. money is freedom. so spending money is exercising freedom to me

totally fine with not being important. I do now require to be treated well though

I kind of don't like the spotlight. I get anxious, feels like being a target. so I rather be humble. then again, when people think you're not important I guess they have their own ways of treating you badly because they think you don't matter -- but I'm ok with that because then I know who those people are. though when it came to jobs, it seems like everyone is just a bad person through and through, and you have no choice of finding good ones, or so that's how it was where I had worked, hence the conclusion that I wasn't built for this world if this is how things are, and they kept telling me it is like that everywhere

@retoor cuz majority of my money is in crypto and trump is very crypto friendly so it's gonna cause a boon

in general Trump is just very good for the economy and I don't have a salary, I just have my investments (which move according to how well an economy goes, mostly)

technically if things go well I could unironically retire having had the sparse job history I do, which certainly would be a hilarious cosmic joke because I've been defined by my job PTSD to such a degree, trying to conquer it and all that, to no avail. and then it's like. all I had to do was invest lol. good to know my brain is useful for something, instead of making me a target because I can lay golden eggs for someone and they wanna exploit me and leave me nothing in turn. seriously lotta depression and fucked up thoughts in regards to that and I can't shake it. it's been like this for years. I felt not built for this world. but I digress

using others countries' or language spheres' stuff is the best. it's like a weight has been lifted off me cuz they have propaganda breaks we don't, so it makes me far less depressed about the state of the world and all that

@retoor oh I have to mop the floor but I'm doing that last. nothing quite like dropping mouse droppings all over your clean kitchen floor raaghhh

if I wear socks in about 2-4 hours their underside becomes black

I bought an air filter because the dust when he moved out was so bad. I think the dust on surfaces gets kicked up easily and then dust everything else. so when I cleaned off the dust in the kitchen and bathroom suddenly these rooms don't get dusty very fast or at all... before it took a week. now it's been a month and it's maintaining. so de-dust everything then run the air filter and I probably will only have to dust things every few months. yay!

same thing with the toilet. I cleaned the fuck out of that and now it's not rapidly getting dirty anymore. nice.

and he would touch the walls a lot, so a lot of them are yellow. I don't touch the walls, just not part of my habit, so not gonna have to clean that either provided I can clean what he left... which idk if I can actually

@retoor I switched drugs tho and now I have a headache and it is causing me malaise, nausea, etc. gonna go through this drug dose though cuz I think it will help in the end

probably gonna play some gnomoria or something, for intellectual stimulation. and think about making a gnomoria clone and never actually do it

and in the evening maybe at some point I'll be lucid enough to figure out pagination and my scripts will be useful for making money again. I'm less stressed about money since trump won though which is super nice 😁

@retoor cleaned the electric box in the kitchen and found mouse droppings in there. nice. so much dust. don't think it was ever cleaned since it got installed. even had pencil marks like the installers wrote on it which were very easy to wipe off lol

I had a squirrel break through my wall the other day. called the janitor number and she said she'd send someone over to assess the damage but nobody's come yet

I am pretty happy right now though. bathroom and kitchen are done (I'm counting the kitchen done, I didn't clean behind the fridge and stove and didn't clean inside the stove though, but if I do that it will be months from now)

next up is cleaning the hallways and the empty rooms, then I can move stuff into them and clean my bedroom. apartment hasn't been cleaned in years so when roomie moved out all the dust went up. my room is very dusty and is dirtier than bathroom and kitchen rn, but I have a lot of stuff stored in there I been collecting I need to move out for space first

@Demolishun oh there's a guy who claims he knows where Atlantis is...

it was this masonry guy on PBD podcast. there's a set of tectonic plates off the coast of Portugal, and evidently there used to be a civilization there (according to old texts mentioning Atlantis, roughly) but then the climate shifted and bam it's basically nearly all underwater now instead. the tops of what used to be mountains is now just some small islands some natives live on

@retoor probably he thought he could break your spirit down with time

the other day I realized my roommate made me have to internalize his helplessness. I lost like my internal spirit for doing things. cuz he viewed me just wanting to go-go-go and get things done as either abusive or stressful or like there was something wrong with me, so over time I suppressed it and after years of suppression it took me like... a month to remember I used to be different and remember the feeling that existed that made me actually be driven to fix problems instead of sit in them because my roommate caused the issue so I can't fix it because then that would be me fixing the thing for him and I'm categorically against doing someone else's work for them... so it taught me to have to just sit there and grind my teeth, being unhappy, sitting in a mess, with everything broken. got used to it and forgot my driven feeling

so probably break you down by subtle things, that don't seem related to the drive

@retoor oooooh. that's very smart (of you). interesting

no I think you dodged a bullet. I think your attitude then keeps you immunized from slave workers who want to make their underlings feel shitty to extract work from them. the job I had that made me wanna kill myself kept giving me inappropriate snide remarks and the remarks increased if I became more important, aka if they were anxious about getting more work out of me

so your strategy is very good. you're causing bad companies to self-select themselves out of your option pool. if they can't dampen your spirit they'll pass you up, and you don't have to know anything about them or worry if they're gonna turn on you, you just do you and they do the sorting for themselves

whereas I'm blank-faced if someone mistreats me and I don't tell anyone anything about my skills. actually I'm often curious about their opinions and 90%+ of the time they just use it to be predatory, even other developers on the internet. zzzz

@retoor I can't imagine someone criticizing your attitude. but I could be biased and not all knowing, too

for me if I'm thinking I ain't smiling. also I don't like people pushing me around, I actually don't even fight it but I get pensive and try to think my way out of the predicament. IRL seems to be if someone says bad attitude it's because I'm not being a cheerleader for them, is my guess. I'm distant and not warm and I like it that way -- if I'm gonna be warm it'll only be on my goddamned terms ffs, and someone trying to con me into something dumb makes me more distant and ill become avoidant and smile even less!

times are so strange

I put xfce on a very old laptop and it ran much better than windows 8 which was murdering it horribly

noun_verb

because then it's categorical

but then it sounds weird in English

... granted... my backup scripts are backup_phone and backup_personal 🤔

and here I thought someone saying I have a bad attitude was a personal insult about my baseline personality, right before the pitchforks and mobs of angry people come out to treat me like some kind of frankenstein

@Demolishun just like a high salary doesn't get someone a bunch of "factored in unpaid overtime" or whatever other culture issues, a cheap developer doesn't get someone working software that they can actually request to do the thing they want it to do

I keep hearing that nature is healing

isn't it funny software gets shittier yet there's less demand for software developers

hmm something doesn't seem to add up

@Demolishun meh

I predicted it would plateau quick. very smart and accomplished people disagreed with me. now:

@SidTheITGuy what's your opinion on MDMA?

sometimes I feel being a whore would've been a more dignifying "career"

I wish you a hot living in the next cycles

@retoor IT WOULD BE TOO ADVANCED

IM TOO STUPID FOR PAGINATION RN RAAGHH

my ability to visualize problems isn't there yet

@Liebranca aight I'll take note of that then unless I misinterpreted it

womp womp

@Liebranca wha

I'm confused

I wonder if eating hot sauce would make that worse or better

hot sauce is anesthesia after a while