The Cloud Of Bullshit

Every day I wake, and I think of my one true mission in life. To mock and ridicule paint huffing idiots. Something recently that drew my ire, like the hemorrhoids on my ass is this idea of 'the cloud', THE CLOUD and the buzzword lingo-bingo bullshit that providers use to hype and sell it.

For example, airtable is an amazing service. I love that I can insert just about anything into a row, create any of my own row datatypes, that it's flexible as all hell.

I love it.

And I hate that I'm essentially locked in to the cloud.
I fucking hate how if my internet goes down (thanks you pie eating inbred dipshits at comcast) I have no access.
If the company is bought, they'll shut down like all the rest , to be "relaunched at a later time" (or never).
I hate that if the company doesn't make enough money, or it's investors change their mind, woopsie, service is shut down.
I hate that the cloud is synonymous with massive data leaks and IOT-levels of stupidity in security practices.

Every time someone says "but its in the cloud! Isn't it amazing!"

I always think 1. YEAH IF IM AN INVESTOR I GET TO MILK LOW BROW FINGER PAINTING FUCKWITS EVERY MONTH like Adobe sucking the blood from infants who are still in college.

2. Why? So I can get locked into their platform, have them segment off previously free features (fucking youtube and the 'subscribe so you can continue playing audio with your screen off' bullshit), and then have fees increase month over month?

3. Why, so every four years during the presidential selection, if I piss off some fuckstick braindead lemming literally sucking his girlfriends BFs cock, they can potentially shut me out from my own data completely?

The Cloud is built on shit-colored hype sold to knob gobbling idiots, controlling idiots, profiting at the expense of idiots, and later fucking them for buyout payola. The Cloud is a Cloud of Bullshit shat out by huckster messiahs straight into the lapping mouths of fanatics worshiping slavishly like toilet drinking scum at the porcelain alter of a neon god, invisible, untouchable, and like a spigot, easily shut off without anyone noticing. And when it happens, I'll be there, shouting "WHERE IS YOUR CLOUD NOW?"

Native any day. 100% native or I don't fucking want it
None of this node.js-gone-native bullshit either with notetaking apps taking up hundreds of megabytes of ram, where everything is bootstrap or react, in a browser, in a window container, because people are so fucking incompetent we have to hold their hand WHILE they give themselves a reach around.

Native or nothing.

For my favorite notetaking app, I use Microsoft OneNote. "OH god, a heathen, quick, stick his body up on a stake!"

But hear me out. I'll be the first one in a crowd to kick bill gates in the nuts (not because I particularly hate microsoft, just because I think hes kind of a cunt).

So when I say onenote is good, I really fucking mean it. Sure they did some cunty things like 'dumbed down' the interface, and cut out some options. But you know what they can't do?
Shut down the damn service (short of a system update completely removing the whole app, which, frankly, wouldn't surprise me).

It's so god damn good it waxed my balls, cured my cancer, fixed my relationship with my father, found my long lost brother, and replaced ALL my irl notebooks.

It's so good that if it was cocaine I'd be hospitalized for overusing it.

So god damn good it didn't just replace all my notebooks, it even replaced and sped up my mockup process three to five times. Want layers?

Built in. Just drag an image on to the notebook to import instantly.

Want to rearrange layers? Right click select "send forward/back/bring to front/send to back".

Everything snaps to grid by default and is easily resizeable.

I had all the elements for a UI sliced and diced. Wanted to try a bunch of layouts. Was gonna take me two damn days.

Did it in three hours with the notebook features of onenote.

After I started using onenote, me and my bodypillow finally conceived even.

Sweet marries mammaries I just fucking jizzed. Thank you onenote.

P.s. It really did speed up my UI design, allows annotated images, highlighted text. Shit, it can even do kanban.

And all I can think is "good job microsoft making an awesome product for free, being dumb as fuck for not charging for it, and then not marketing it at ALL."

It was sheer fucking luck that I discovered it while was I was looking for vendor STD bloatware to blast off my new install.

OneNote: Worth a try even for the kick-gates-in-the-nuts fan club.

The cloud can suck my balls.

  • 2
    Yes, OneNote is pretty awesome. I got tiered of saving emails to some folder; now I just send to OneNote. Everything is sorted by category (Oracle, Project A, Project B, personal, etc) and easily accessible, and searchable. And yes, I detest the "Cloud" and the mentality that guess with it. It's your app on someone else's hardware. Nice rant.
  • 0
    your style reminds me of avgn
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    Wouldn't be familiar.

    He and old user on DR or something?
  • 1
    @Wisecrack angry video game nerd. not that similar now that I think about it, yours is way more graphic.
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    It's pretty good. I really like that it gives you nested sections, just the right amount of nesting too, sections, share by email, export to pdf, rearrange paragraphs and image in a 2d space, all your standard drawing and mockup tools, plus seamless audio recordings in the document itself, files, tables, and on and on and on.

    I don't understand why microsoft let this tool wallow in obscurity for so long.
  • 1

    "way more graphic."

    I aim to tease and please and titillate, shock and awe and irritate.
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    Can we do a blockchain based cloud AI?
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    @FrodoSwaggins it os probably the thing that loads the status icons on github
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    I totally agree with u. But what bugs me the most with cloud based apps is that commonly accepted features that where established in the mid-90s - like undo, drag and drop, copy and paste, consisten set of menu/command naming, context menus etc - are all gone.
    No one really cares about thst anymore. And if it is implemented than it‘s highly inconsistent with pretty everything else out there.

    It reminds me of the good old DOS days ...

    The reason why i became a mac user was bc i liked how every damn app looks and works the same.
    Since the rise of fucking electron apps no even keyboard shortcuts r native anymore bc nobody cares.

    Everything is degrading and eroding from my point if view.
  • 3
    One of the things I look forward to when I sign into devrant is posts like yours. For this is the way I really want to express myself at times, and hold back, not wanting to be thought of as a loose cannon, a non 'team' player, an overreacting drama queen.
    Then I read your post and the true meaning of articulate spear throwing fuckery as an Olympic sport opens my eyes and I am truly happy to be alive and to know there are others who simply cannot tolerate bullshit fuckery laid on us by two dimensional oiks who are afraid of their own fucking shadow.
    And BTW, I never have liked the Cloud either.
  • 2
    100% agree, working at a *private* cloud provider always having to explain why *public* cloud is no good.
  • 0

    the loading speed of gmail is asymptote to not being annoying as shit.

    Always approaching acceptable, but never quite there.
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    I come here specifically to reread this comment of yours on a regular basis. It's like the lit match on my gasoline.

    Thanks man.
  • 1
    @Wisecrack more like the hand that jerks you off

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    Shit, someone who has my views on cloud.

    I thought you guys were dead or non-existant...
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    Well it's a dirty job but someone has to do it!
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    The last of a dying breed in the grim dark future of 2019.
  • 1
    @Wisecrack i ranted avout cloud around. Honestly i fucking hate it, for a little different reasons. Your reasons are valid too.
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