It’s been a while since I have posted here but I felt like I want to rant without any thought of being judged.
I had take a break from work and it was working well for me. I had my ups and downs. I was always working on something but on the outside everyone just assumed that I did nothing.

I had other personal incidents that affected me. I started to get trigger with my environment and how much ever effort I made to make it lower it was still triggering.

For that reason I thought to pick up course in a different country and work on myself w/o these triggers existing.

Even though I have a plan to get started to work on things. There is this huge heaviness in my head that doesn’t seem to go away. It makes me doubt wether I am good enough to be a developer.

The previous two companies that I worked for keep reaching out to me to join them back but it still doesn’t feel like enough.

I think I am just scared to fail at this point.

Plus with everyone constantly asking me about the recession it’s adding up to my cloudy head.

I know this cloudy feeling is temporary but it’s this that stops me from being an optimal person and that mildly infuriates me.

I quit my job… it got so exhausting, it had become all about last minute work and ETAs. The more I worked the sicker I felt. It started directly impacting my physical health which ended up affecting mentally too. I feel good that I got out of something very toxic but at the same time not working kinda makes me sad when I look at others working. I have consciously taken a break to clear my mind but it affects me that I don’t know what next.

Sometimes I feel lame while coding and other times I feel great which is short-lived and goes back to feeling lame. Mehh