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Your brain must be a much more calm place than mine ever is... i tried that 'where'd it come from' thing several years ago. I could always quickly trace it back but never made less thoughts overall... high IQ, higher ADHD.
Ive tried everything to stop thinking about a ton of shit on autopilot... very few reprieves. -
@awesomeest for me, it ALWAYS traces back to my mother. One hundred percent of the time. With no exceptions so far.
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@kiki i dont have anxiety... but a bunch of inconveniences do originate from my mother. It's mainly cuz of how she was raised, so it's kinda hard to see her as fully at fault when she's hiding from reality so hard that she actually believes the fake shit that she invents.
I recently realised that i, officially, have tried every plausible solution with her... none worked... but since ive tried everything, i genuinely dont give a fuck anymore.
I figured this out about a month ago when a call to find out if she got info about donation needs of a certain charity she was supposed to (im reeeeally good at crane games... the IRS hates me), she somehow turned that into a major argument. -
@awesomeest I just disowned her
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@kiki that's where im at with nearly all of my blood relatives. Thankfully ive been lucky enough to end up with a great real family... my friends. Tbh id be lost af without them... probably wouldnt even know i was autistic lol
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@jestdotty so im not sure how to explain this... but that'd be rather dangerous for me.
i know this is gonna make me sound crazy... but i also know all of the people that I've tried to have logically conclude that I'm actually crazy... have ended up doing the opposite.
My subconscious (or something akin to that without fully fitting that definition) is a brilliant, skilled, vicious, manipulative, asshole. people who've actually surprised me in my sleep have ended up seriously injured, sometimes with shuriken. The *whatever u wanna call it* version of me when someone's actually trying to wake me up (not the surprise way), is extremely mean and knows beyond calc 2... has literally made several people cry/hate themselves instead of succeeding in waking me up.
i have amazing innate pattern recognition; I can't explain how/why. I'm great at trading. tried to learn trading= got worse; tried to turn off conscious impulses= realised that's sleep-me (hurt several people w/words). -
@jestdotty basically, the closest ive come to clearing my head... is an extremely intelligent, manipulative, vicious, money-making, asshole with no regard for anything that cant be computed... like humans and their emotions that persist after the objective (typically, me sleeping longer... but happens to some extent in hyperfocus so i tend to mute most people/apps then) is complete.
so far, i dont think sleep-me can use a touchscreen keyboard... but apparently can use a physical one... im my teens, in my sleep (there was a vid... my eyes never opened... creepy af tbh) i killed a remote server i wasnt supposed to have access to.
for the people who think im an emotionless blunt asshole normally... they have no idea how much of a filter i consciously use.
i don't sleep near a physical keyboard anymore. part of me wonders if i can actually use a touchscreen keyboard when asleep but am saving that ability... -
@jestdotty well ive pretty seriously injured some friends... did take out 2 people breaking in at friends' places.
The real issue (aside from maiming others) is that sleep-me and i dont tend to agree on things like when i should wake up. I have an alarm on one phone that needs puzzles solved or to vigorously shake the phone for a solid 10s before it goes off... sleep-me has found creative ways to bypass that from finding the phone under my knee so im constantly touching the screen on and off til the battery dies, found the phone put in a pillow and thrown across, or out of, my room too.
Friends (the ones that know me enough to get past the toxic deep dive to their emotional state just to be torn a new asshole) have a hard time knowing if im actually awake cuz sleep-me is very adept at convincing them im awake. Like (was a recording) "if im asleep, I wouldn't know math right? So ask me an advanced math question." ... no issues through calc 2 and most dont know calc 1. -
@TeachMeCode i cant sleep walk... one of my legs doesnt exactly work well enough for that. I do sleep debate... and manipulate... get past any challenges ive employed to do basic shit like wake up... i do all those very well
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@jestdotty no... not emotion, its very opposite. There's been ... a loooot of videos/recording...my tone isnt emotional. One recording i heard along with a couple friends, i got excited for a sec thinking i sounded emotional. Both of them(one had previously been on the "youre just suppressing emotions" side) gave me a look i cant even describe... it was like sincere, questioning and intense concern and terror... like it made ME stfu and wait til one started talking. They told me it literally gave them goosebumps and seemed calculated. One incl'd "like one of those movies when an AI goes rogue... but without an actor making the voice"... i listened a few more times and i def noticed what they picked up on. Months later we put it into a soundboard program and it was freaky how exact my tones were per context, near identical to the other uses of that context.
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@jestdotty
I dont think youre getting my issues with that somewhat unconscious version of myself.
1. Ive inflicted serious(non-fatal thankfully) injury to 4 close friends.
2. sleep-me version is the only time (outside of general anesthesia and certain nsfw intense stimuli) that im not actively thinking tons of simultaneous thoughts remember indefinitely. It's not like i can befriend it... and though i dont like it/agree, i fully understand the logical thought process... it doesnt take into account the things i value... like not destroying a friend just because i logically know that i can repair our relationship later, esp since they know about sleep-me. there's more
3. Things like going off straight instinct (for lack of a better word) to high stakes trade with thousands of dollars... is weird af for me... and actually trying to learn the 'right' ways to do these things (there's others) always results in being worse.
Its like im losing, to myself. I cant even logic that away. -
@kiki ...sowwy... we kinda hijacked your rant <3
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@jestdotty idk if youre joking, assume im talking about minor cuts/etc, or don't know what real friends are like.
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@jestdotty Aww you poor thing! I wish I was there so I could make your situation even worse for you.
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@TeachMeCode No I'm not 😈
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Amazed @SidTheITGuy 's been looking for an opportunity this whole time
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@TeachMeCode what’s that India-specific slur again? The only one I know is benchod
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@TeachMeCode I've been treated like shit here?? Bro I am the reason Alexanderr and Jase resorted to making alt accounts, cuz they're too much of a pussy to face me. I pushed Nanos into deleting his account from here.
It's not me who gets treated like shit, I am the one who treats others like the bitch they are.
As for the code review, why would I care for any one else's opinions I don't give a fuck about. Criticize all you want, you're free to do so.
Also, pajeet is not the n-word for us. We have thicker skin than you may think. -
@kiki I can teach you some -
- Madarchod (mother fucker)
- Pajeet (Stereotypical name like "Steve")
- Paki (I have no idea what this is but it's considered offensive)
- Bokachoda (crazy fucker)
- Chutiya (Stupid fucking idiot)
- Randi ka ladka (son of a whore)
There's lots more but I can't think much rn. -
@jestdotty autism vs brain damage is like saying you have a cracked egg so you cant eat oranges... unless youre in some very strange situations not really relative or relevant... like if you had no money/any currency, were told to transport eggs safely and your reward/pay was oranges. You seem to have some rooted negative connotations of autism
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@jestdotty so i got most of that rant-soup... except for the exclamatory statement of never trusting someone again.
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@TeachMeCode oh... sid isnt better than that... i reeeally shouldve recorded that discord call
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@TeachMeCode youre wrong about sid... i can explain in detail elsewhere... dont wanna be too mean and publicly post everything
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@awesomeest how about I send you a recording of my dick slapping your mum's face you stupid bitch?
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@SidTheITGuy and your dick will ask her "mam why are you redeeming"? Come on. You're better than this.
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@TeachMeCode you're explaining autism to an antivaxxer.
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@kiki I don't think I've hated any one more than this bitch @awesomeest. Fuck this stupid cunt.
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@jestdotty ok... im really curious what you think brain damage is... and what you think autism is now... really curious...
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@SidTheITGuy lol do it... theres a reason I live over an hr away from her.
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@SidTheITGuy if im the epitome of people you hate... youre gonna be very sore in prison one day...
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@kiki @jestdotty
For the record i took no covid vax... but i do live alone in the middle of s corn field and have kept a redundant supply of zinc on top of my fridge... mandatory for anyone who looks/feels sick or cant definitively explain a cough/sneeze... since WAY before covid.
My immune system is extremely, remarkably, horrible... so far i have a running ~24% ridiculously allergic to response to any new med... early stage vax of any kind is like russian Roulette for me...
If anyone can find me another case of adult Roseola Meningitis, non-cancer, non-AIDS paitent, then ill consider a vax with under 5yrs testing... til then i got my kn95s and house in the middle of a corn field.
That said, i think people that ignorantly reject anything that has public/other humans, implications shouldn't be allowed in range. That includes whatever that parenting style is where u let ur tikes run around annoying people. -
@jestdotty i got lost in this thread from some notif... saw you mentioning looking into psychosomatic illness and claiming to have several.. also that they weren't at all associated with your mental state.
I gotta ask-- do you know what "psychosomatic" actually means???
Im also very curious why you were looking up illnesses, specifically those that can be caused by mentally/emotionally being messed up to the point your body literally mimics physical symptoms... or you at least insist those symptoms, ie fibromyalgia ...which has no real 3rd party perceived physical indicators aside from someone perhaps looking like theyre in pain.
As someone who traverses most days at a painscale of 7 to 9.7 and has/will not ever claim to be feeling a "10" much less any irrational numbers beyond the scale that the majority of patients in pain management claim (10 is "worst pain ever" felt/imagined/experienced.so 10= you're unconscious/cant say "10") ppl fake pain better than i mask it. I mask well. -
@jestdotty strawberries dont give dementia... berries in general are actually assumed as helpful for preventing it... dementia doesnt just pop up then totally go away... and never that ive heard from foods, especially since its a long process of a disease.(at least most of the time).
Now im even more curious as to what you think psychosomatic means....
Also, cortisol being high increases pupil size, u got it backwards. -
@jestdotty
Ok... so i saw the last strawberries comment...
1 - So far I'm pretty sure you do have at least one psychosomatic condition.
2 - psychosomatic is typically when the mind creates the disease/issue. Most commonly it's seen with conditions like fibromyalgia, back pain, headaches.... and other things that dont really have direct, 3rd-party-visible symptoms... DEFINITELY more common in women.
As someone who's been in pain management since before it was a fully fledged field, with the major cause being a condition that was extremely rarely heard of, and unless flaring up (or being very familiar with odd, highly specific traits. Ex: rsd in my left arm/hand... classic RSD (now called crps) typically has 1-2°C difference in effected limb vs healthy one... either direction, it tends to change but still have that difference). I can tell you most of those people, including the non drug seekers, have a major psychosomatic component, nearly all with fibromyalgia.... -
@jestdotty
Fibromyalgia is actually a sleep disorder... reason it's not listed that way is because, due to how this was found out, it'd be against several laws to repeat. There was a study that initially had nothing to do with fibromyalgia. Took about a dozen totally healthy college kids and caused them to not get any REM sleep. Most didn't even notice cuz theyd just give a stimulus right when theyd slip into REM to bring them back to delta. Otherwise, full 8hrs sleep, regulated healthy diet etc. I think it was meant to go on for a month (not positive) it got cancelled early because every person developed (temporary) clear symptoms of fibromyalgia.
Surrounded by pain patients-- majority often addicts (drug and attention), I can tell you this...
Anyone who's asked for their pain scale number and goes straight to 10 (despite being conscious, talkative, normal(for them) vitals and having just walked in) or says shit like 11, 15... etc. Highly likely psychosomatic -
@jestdotty
If you want some actual debugging help... you need to discuss these things with someone who's not you, also not the type to agree with you based on it being you (or them being spineless/easily manipulated in general).
Esp with psychosomatic illness, it's REEALLY not a good idea to go on solo web searches trying to diagnose yourself. Statistically, youre several times more likely to gain a psychosomatic illness than resolve any type of existing mality.
Medicine is a field I know extensively... at least clearly beyond RN lvl. Tbh im likely beyond most GPs (DO or MD)...not as versed in most specialities after that, aside from immunology, neuro lvl of an NP spec. in neuro...pharmacology and anything an emt can(++), i know a ridiculous amount in.
Dev/friend/etc and i treat everything(dev to religion && beyond!) In a 'how many holes can we poke in it' way, mality or new idea. try disproving at least as much as proving.
Debugging is harder the more u stare at it. -
@jestdotty
One more thing...
Psychosomatic illnesses aren't only the ones that typically cant be proven. The human mind can do some crazy body mods.
Idk if you've heard of stigmata? It's basically bleediing from hands/wrists, feet/ankles and sometimes a ring around the head like where a crown of thorns would be. After several cases of stigmata (no actual direct wound being detectable) ther were several studies into mind over body. Ofc they couldn't prove all the cases were just remarkably crazy people who REEEALLY wanted to suffer like jesus for whatever reason, but there was multiple confirmations. humans can, in fact, cause themselves to bleed from otherwise healthy, unmarred, skin.
Reminds of my mother. changed a major incident of years to the near literal opposite, so much that im sure shed have passed (or at least error'd) a polygraph for her version of reality.
Seems less insane if you realise humans can actually think themselves into spontaneously bleeding. -
@TeachMeCode well that's why u need to learn to watch for those signs and stop when they start... it's a basic human thing, and much more vital with adhd.
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@jestdotty im not sure if that was just general 'fuck society' or aimed at what i said.
If it was aimed at what i said, i think you severely misinterpreted it... if this wasnt a public forum, there's a couple things i could quickly say to convince you of my stance on those topics... my contact info is scattered amound several threads here by now, if you'd like it reposted just ask. -
@jestdotty that article you gave... i read the full version if it (the link was just the abstract)... im not sure how much of it is easily comprehended by you or most people. The gist of that isnt really anything remarkable.
It basically is just a research paper on GSH in relation to Autism... everything it says could be easily (at least imo) concluded from several surrounding factors... like the physical characteristics often found of an autistic brain, the effected dendritic spine formations, typical immunology, etc.
Frankly, i never read anything specific to autism relative GSH levels... but if someone had asked me about them, I'd have assumed, very close to exactly, the details in that paper.
Autism comes from several genetic mutations. Nearly every organism that's shown several new mutations in a short period of generations, has significant weaknesses, especially in defenses(like immunology).
If a human was born that grew to 8ft, youd expect some musculoskeletal issues right? -
@jestdotty umm... I'm pretty sure you have it literally backwards.
This was the closest to what i assume a typical person could understand without giving up or hurting their brain too much.
Go to "3." . Glutathione doesnt just come from those amino acids/etc, there's a relatively complex synthesis process involved. It's typically produced by the liver. If your levels are low... it's quite likely due to an issue with the synthesis of it (ie. The liver).
I also have no clue why youd take that combo instead of simply taking a Glutathione supplement?
That said, there's no conclusive evidence the external/introduced use of glutathione is actually beneficial in almost any case.
If you believe your Glutathione is low, get a basic liver function blood test. Cuz if it is your liver, there's a good chance you're making it worse by giving it more to filter.
https://ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/...(EC%206.3. -
@jestdotty im also very curious as to your mitochondrial dysfunction... its typically a genetic condition... or caused by an extreme disease like MS. Aside from low energy you haven't mentioned too many of the key signs of that. It very often will make your blood O2 stats drop too.
How to meditate, Kiki way:
1. Lay completely motionless
2. For every thought your brain generates, ask “Where did it come from?”
It’s difficult first time, but then you get used to it.
For me, anxiety manifests as itchiness and pressure in the heart area. But when I think in this specific way, anxiety shuts up, and my heart feels… actively good? Not a heart orgasm or something, just the feeling you get when you take off your bra after a long day, but condensed in one area.
Thinking this way is like reading a history book. History doesn’t tolerate what-ifs, and thus, the opinion of your anxious part — a so-called internal critic — becomes irrelevant. At least, I think it’s how it works, I’m not a therapist or something.
Everything I analyze traces back to my mother. I mean EVERYTHING. What a manipulative bitch indeed. You probably missed that, here it is: https://devrant.com/rants/9940652/...
Meditation became a bad word recently. It’s something you hear from self-help gurus and other scum alike. Despite that, here is the simple way to meditate that works. Use it!
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