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@saucyatom Thank you for the encouraging words, and I wish you all the best too, in that sense.
Attachment issues are a pain in the ass.
It is difficult for me to let go of people, very much so. Once they show me too much kindness, I run the risk of liking them too much and having a high difficulty in letting go. -
@Ranchonyx
Thank you.
Re attachment issues: They currently cause me a lot of pain. For me, the underlying issue is probably low self esteem and trying to fill that with external validation. I see the patterns and how I'm really making myself miserable, but that realization alone is not enough. *sigh* Human emotions are complex.
On the other hand, I know that there will be better days. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not, but probably sooner than my anxious mind word think. -
@saucyatom I can relate to a painful degree.
Especially the "making yourself miserable, but not being able to fix it" part.
Keep your head up mate, things will get better eventually; As you said, probably sooner than later.
Related Rants
It changed my life, really. 😁
I'm a tiny bit happy today.
Recently I've been noticing that I'm developing a tolerance for deeply crowded spaces. I don't know if the AC/DC concert was an effective shock therapy or something.
I'm not at the point where I can comfortably head outside into town by myself yet, but I have a feeling that it's not going to be too long until I can.
Maybe I can even find some joy in "being under people".
Maybe make some contacts, friends, whatever.
The biggest challenge will probably be getting over my, I guess "crippling" isn't the right word, but close-ish to it, self-conscious.
The worst thing is that as of yet, I have no idea why I'm still like that.
I think I know the root cause, but that's not something relevant right now.
Hell, I go out with friends, guys and girls, and eventually it goes like:
>"How come you are not dating someone?"
>"Can't really. Can't go out and fine someone, also I think I'm not good-looking enough."
>"Bullshit, you look awesome."
That's coming from close friends, hence why I don't believe it's just some "oh, he'll feel better if I compliment him" shite.
I somehow am unable to gain self worth from compliments.
[...]
In other news, I got a certificate at the FernUni Hagen for a course in IT project management.
Also, my programming and solution finding/problem solving skills are improving noticeable. I think.
I'm not in Uni or anything, but I feel like I'm getting more competent/professional in my development activities at work.
Contrary to what I stated above, I can gain self worth from good work done.
...which worries me, because I am afraid that eventually I'll only be able to feel good after having worked myself to the metaphorical bone.
In job college, I talk to my classmates.
Turns out, everybody is mostly sitting on their ass doing fuck all at work. They are telling me that I'm a workaholic.
I think that I'm either going mad, or that they are lazy fuckers.
From Wednesday to Thursday evening, three colleagues and I went to the CAS Partner Preview Day & CAS Customer Centricity Forum in Karlsruhe. Lots of talks (mostly boasting about themselves), some workshops and a lot of "networking opportunities".
Stuff which I mostly consider bullshit, but I never would've figured how effective it is to put on a smile and feign interest in things.
Some of that feigned interest turned into actual interest and we "networked" for hours.
It was a good training for social interactions outside my direct comfort zone.
Thank you for reading the ramdump of my mind.
$./felix
Segmentation Fault
Core dumped
random
work
life
job