My manager wants to have a conversation about my attitude. Time to explain that when I worked hard I got no pay rise, I only got a promotion because I lost my rag at him when he was being an arse. I have no motivation to do anything other than the bare minimum.

The only perks of the company he can give are that we can work from home and changing jobs is hassle.

Why the fuck is *he* motivated?

Fuuuuckkkk this is a train wreck

"I interviewed elsewhere not that long ago and didn't like the vibe" (his words)

I have an irriplacable skill set and it'd be a shame if I left. He thinks I'm bored and he's kinda right.

Well that was an entertaining train wreck. His main ask at the end was try to give more detailed updates in scrum. I've usually just woken up and rolled out of bed and have barely a vague recollection of what I've been doing.

He also said if I'm not taking it seriously I'm not developing. Had to list off some of my side projects which I'm currently learning more from than my job. I've never looked to my job for CPD.

Yeah, the updates in scrum it's all about. As long if you do that right and code sucks, everything is OK. I do this very well and even prepare standups so I look like a sharp ninja

@freddiearchie I downvoted all your shit. It'll never show up olin Google or here

Punch him in the face.

and here I thought someone saying I have a bad attitude was a personal insult about my baseline personality, right before the pitchforks and mobs of angry people come out to treat me like some kind of frankenstein

I once applied somewhere and it was with two owners. One said that I have a certain attitude (not in a good way). At the end they seriously wanted to hire me and I was like nooooo, said to them it was too much distance and almost ran away from that office. The guy had attitude himself so maybe he recognized smth. I can handle commentary very well, but not on such thing of directly the boss on an interview. Small chance it works out I guess. Red flag, red flag

@retoor I can't imagine someone criticizing your attitude. but I could be biased and not all knowing, too

for me if I'm thinking I ain't smiling. also I don't like people pushing me around, I actually don't even fight it but I get pensive and try to think my way out of the predicament. IRL seems to be if someone says bad attitude it's because I'm not being a cheerleader for them, is my guess. I'm distant and not warm and I like it that way -- if I'm gonna be warm it'll only be on my goddamned terms ffs, and someone trying to con me into something dumb makes me more distant and ill become avoidant and smile even less!

@jestdotty I'm enthousiast about things including things I did and proud of it. Could be considered attitude. Some people don't like having a proud someone in front of them. They don't allow you to be proud and just want to keep you smol. I saw it directly in te eyes of that arrogant owner, sitting as a sandbag called in remotely. Maybe that's it too, maybe I just couldn't take the remark from SUCH person. Their project was beautiful tho, collecting all stats from nearly all thermostats in netherlands with data so much that they collaborated with Google cloud to make it work

@retoor oooooh. that's very smart (of you). interesting

no I think you dodged a bullet. I think your attitude then keeps you immunized from slave workers who want to make their underlings feel shitty to extract work from them. the job I had that made me wanna kill myself kept giving me inappropriate snide remarks and the remarks increased if I became more important, aka if they were anxious about getting more work out of me

so your strategy is very good. you're causing bad companies to self-select themselves out of your option pool. if they can't dampen your spirit they'll pass you up, and you don't have to know anything about them or worry if they're gonna turn on you, you just do you and they do the sorting for themselves

whereas I'm blank-faced if someone mistreats me and I don't tell anyone anything about my skills. actually I'm often curious about their opinions and 90%+ of the time they just use it to be predatory, even other developers on the internet. zzzz

@jestdotty or maybe THEY dodged a bullet but don't think so cuz they did offer the job. Was it his way to get a reaction out of me? What else can the reason to say smth like that. Whatever reason was, I don't accept such a big mouth from anyone, especially not my boss. If it's important for them to talk like that, they dodged a bullet. I would never accept it. That's not an attitude but just having a freaking spine

@retoor probably he thought he could break your spirit down with time

the other day I realized my roommate made me have to internalize his helplessness. I lost like my internal spirit for doing things. cuz he viewed me just wanting to go-go-go and get things done as either abusive or stressful or like there was something wrong with me, so over time I suppressed it and after years of suppression it took me like... a month to remember I used to be different and remember the feeling that existed that made me actually be driven to fix problems instead of sit in them because my roommate caused the issue so I can't fix it because then that would be me fixing the thing for him and I'm categorically against doing someone else's work for them... so it taught me to have to just sit there and grind my teeth, being unhappy, sitting in a mess, with everything broken. got used to it and forgot my driven feeling

so probably break you down by subtle things, that don't seem related to the drive

@jestdotty your first point: exactly!

that roommate guy sounds worse and worse.

How is the cleaning project going?

@retoor cleaned the electric box in the kitchen and found mouse droppings in there. nice. so much dust. don't think it was ever cleaned since it got installed. even had pencil marks like the installers wrote on it which were very easy to wipe off lol

I had a squirrel break through my wall the other day. called the janitor number and she said she'd send someone over to assess the damage but nobody's come yet

I am pretty happy right now though. bathroom and kitchen are done (I'm counting the kitchen done, I didn't clean behind the fridge and stove and didn't clean inside the stove though, but if I do that it will be months from now)

next up is cleaning the hallways and the empty rooms, then I can move stuff into them and clean my bedroom. apartment hasn't been cleaned in years so when roomie moved out all the dust went up. my room is very dusty and is dirtier than bathroom and kitchen rn, but I have a lot of stuff stored in there I been collecting I need to move out for space first

@jestdotty just do piece by piece or not too perfectionistic. I 'clean' frequent but not very well. I just maintain it. Floor is exception. Don't lay down here, I repeat, don't lay down here 😂 Nah, it's ok - but I know moet people do the floor more frequent. It has to be obviously dirty before I clean that

@retoor I switched drugs tho and now I have a headache and it is causing me malaise, nausea, etc. gonna go through this drug dose though cuz I think it will help in the end

probably gonna play some gnomoria or something, for intellectual stimulation. and think about making a gnomoria clone and never actually do it

and in the evening maybe at some point I'll be lucid enough to figure out pagination and my scripts will be useful for making money again. I'm less stressed about money since trump won though which is super nice 😁

@retoor oh I have to mop the floor but I'm doing that last. nothing quite like dropping mouse droppings all over your clean kitchen floor raaghhh

if I wear socks in about 2-4 hours their underside becomes black

I bought an air filter because the dust when he moved out was so bad. I think the dust on surfaces gets kicked up easily and then dust everything else. so when I cleaned off the dust in the kitchen and bathroom suddenly these rooms don't get dusty very fast or at all... before it took a week. now it's been a month and it's maintaining. so de-dust everything then run the air filter and I probably will only have to dust things every few months. yay!

same thing with the toilet. I cleaned the fuck out of that and now it's not rapidly getting dirty anymore. nice.

and he would touch the walls a lot, so a lot of them are yellow. I don't touch the walls, just not part of my habit, so not gonna have to clean that either provided I can clean what he left... which idk if I can actually

@jestdotty you're less stressed about money since Trump won? Explain 😁 I think for murricans te trade percentage he likes to add (10%, 60% for China) will hurt murricans on short term. Europe manufacturers will just let the customer pay it by making it more expensive. Who's gonna enforce it anyway. The idea is that they move factories to USA. That's not a bad idea, but prolly the manufacturers just wait four years for new president rather than building complete new factories within few years

@retoor cuz majority of my money is in crypto and trump is very crypto friendly so it's gonna cause a boon

in general Trump is just very good for the economy and I don't have a salary, I just have my investments (which move according to how well an economy goes, mostly)

technically if things go well I could unironically retire having had the sparse job history I do, which certainly would be a hilarious cosmic joke because I've been defined by my job PTSD to such a degree, trying to conquer it and all that, to no avail. and then it's like. all I had to do was invest lol. good to know my brain is useful for something, instead of making me a target because I can lay golden eggs for someone and they wanna exploit me and leave me nothing in turn. seriously lotta depression and fucked up thoughts in regards to that and I can't shake it. it's been like this for years. I felt not built for this world. but I digress

@jestdotty I doubt to be made for this world too. Now I didn't work for a long time, I'm thinking that I also don't want to anymore. I realized I'm not as important as I tought. So motivation is low. Going everyday with low motivation must be hell. I know a lot of people do it their whole life's. Sad. I'm used to be happy at work but now I doubt. Also not very motivational is that I don't know where to spend money on, so even that's not a motivation

@retoor hmmm I don't have a need to feel important

I do have a need for freedom though, so that's what kicked me

I still wanna spend money on stuff. just I can't because I was paid very little originally even. money is freedom. so spending money is exercising freedom to me

totally fine with not being important. I do now require to be treated well though

I kind of don't like the spotlight. I get anxious, feels like being a target. so I rather be humble. then again, when people think you're not important I guess they have their own ways of treating you badly because they think you don't matter -- but I'm ok with that because then I know who those people are. though when it came to jobs, it seems like everyone is just a bad person through and through, and you have no choice of finding good ones, or so that's how it was where I had worked, hence the conclusion that I wasn't built for this world if this is how things are, and they kept telling me it is like that everywhere

@retoor maybe being in the spotlight when people treat you badly you know who those people are just the same?

but then I don't know the mechanics of that. so they just knock down anything that they want or something?

I can understand treating someone badly because they're not important. it means you can reveal your true self to them because who is gonna listen to them? so it's a great position to be in, because you get lots of information of the real variety

but I don't know how to deal with spotlight dislikers (nro the benefits of being in a spotlight I guess, cuz anytime I end up there I wanna run off from it as quickly as possible so I never explored it)

@jestdotty I always felt free because what I wanted was always within the lines of freedom I had. I started work earlier and ended later, loved it. But in future.. I don't know, prolly won't feel free anymore. I see it very black. I finally know how other people must feel. Working hard is easy if you like it and it gives energy in that case even

@jestdotty yeah, if someone is nice should depends on how he treats strangers. Being nice to a friend doesn't really count. Friends are always nice to eachother and everyone has a few. So, no baseline there

@retoor TF is lines of freedom

roomie treated me badly while he treated his "other friends" well. would fuck with me. to be fair I guess we were friends in my head and maybe we were never friends in his. I'm starting to notice my friend radar appears to be wrong and needs correcting