I do not have the capacity to look for a job. I hate trial-and-error, I can't lie and I suck at talking to people in all but a cooperative context. I'm a decent webdev and I'm willing to learn, but to be able to do it I need skills that I don't have and I wouldn't need.

Why in the world would you think it a strike against you to be incapable of lying? The EASIEST way to fire someone is to find out they lied in their interview.

It's a shit process but it gets easier, almost mechanical with time.
You don't have to lie on your resume, just highlight/exaggerate the parts that are more relevant. Back it up with theoretical knowledge if you get an interview. Try to see your work from the eyes of a layman/salesman instead of a dev and you will be able to make it shine.

Talking to people is the part that you'd need to get used to. What has worked for me is, 1, be nice, simple things like how are you doing, work as good conversation starter. 2, make it collaborative by relaying your ideas/fears to the interviewer. I have poor people skills but reframing the situation as a problem discussion instead of an interview helped me to do better.

A guy at work once advised me that it's easier to talk with people if you take a little interest in them and then let them talk. They get the connection they need from you and you get the opportunity you're after.

All the best mate.

Just be yourself. Chances are you'll end up in a better place than you would if you tried something else.

Apply for 2 jobs you don't really want - then learn from that.

I think it's a lot like story telling. If you tell a story multiple times you get better at highlighting the popular parts. You don't need to lie you just need to figure out what people wanna hear about the most, that's done via practice.

Take 2 interviews with companies you're not interested in as practice.

@jiraTicket nailed it.
That's what I do too ^^