Accurate

How to get ANYONE to leave you alone, make swan-like hissing noises at them

Me: *Writes a nice little AWS Lambda service using Java 12*

Reviewing Dev: Lambda only supports JDK 8

Me: *Dies inside and cries as I replace every occurence of var*

Uncle Bob, Martin Fowler, Kevlin Henney, Doc Norton, Allen Holub.

They have all taught me great things about software development, whether through books or superb conference talks.

My last post was over a month ago about updating my CV to escape this place.
Pleased to report I got the job 😎

Today, during an update from senior management, I was casually sitting in the corner filling in my CV to get out of here lol.

Pro tip: If you are a junior, or senior but new at the company, don't start your conversations with:

"We're doing X wrong. At my previous company we did / at school I learned /in this book I read / according to this talk I watched, the right way to do X is ..."

Instead try:

"I'm curious why were doing X this way. I'm used to doing it differently."

I love flat-hierarchy teams, and people who think about flaws in procedures and proactively try to improve the tools we use are awesome, but the next kid walking up to me yelling we use git flow "wrong" will be smacked in the face with a keyboard.

If you come to me with curiosity and an open mind, I'll explain, and even return the favor by behaving the same way when I'm baffled by your seemingly retarded implementations.

Maybe we can learn from each other, maybe discover that "how I learned it" is sometimes good, sometimes bad.

But let's start with some social skills, not kicking off into every debate with a stretched leg and a red face.

Well yesterday I had the absolute joy of marrying @GIS-Jedi.
I think I have gotten more Facebook notifications today than I did in all of 2018

Working with a client...the resident """sysadmin""" hasn't actually been a sysadmin since the early 90s, the last OS he _actually_ managed was SunOS 5 or something. I can't remember what he said. He hasn't kept up AT ALL with modern technologies/terminologies. He's convinced SELinux is a security hardened kernel. We've explained to him several times that it's not but he sees Linux and thinks Linux 1.0 from the 90s. It's downright embarrassing.

Now this would all be well if I didn't have to interface with him often, but the client WILL NOT give me access to their systems. So I have to go through him to get anything done. Which is over webex. So I get to watch this guy type (and mess up) basic commands over and over (he isn't aware of tab completion of any of the bash features that are super useful). So I'm telling him what to type and the delay is always just enough for him to get too far in the command to back out, so its like SSH-over-incompetence with a 500ms ping. It's truly infuriating.

Every once in a while he'll get frustrated enough to hand me control of his webex session, which isn't as painful but once again the delay is bad enough it's still a pain.

Best part is that he looks EXACTLY like Milton from Office Space. So thats one plus to this whole situation!

Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.

"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"

"Uh... look at my beard"

"What"

"Just look at this beard!"

"Uh.... OK"

"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"

"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"

"You don't have to lie"

She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.

"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"

"Yeah"

"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."

She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"

Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."

Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.

Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"

"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"

Joanna: "No I already took care of it"

"How?"

"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"

Me: "I do miss shaving though"

Random guy : Well I'm not tracked on the internet, I use private tabs.
Me : Well, I'm not sleeping with your mom, I use condoms

I was told the other dev hadn't enough time anymore to maintain this 20-year-old project, because he did it in his free time and we should transition from working together, learning the code, etc to me maintaining the whole thing with the other dev providing the knowledge about his program.

So, we had one meeting where I got the current state of the program and never really heard from the other dev again.

This thing was written in C and quite a mess (it still is, who needs refactoring...) and I have never programmed in C before. Needless to say, I learnt a lot.

Hmmmmm

First time in vim be like:
^C^C^Z:q:quit^X:Esc^D:exit

If Gordon Ramsay made code reviews, I would watch that show. Especially the insults he would use for handling clients.

"This code has so much spaghetti, it decided to open it's own restaurant"

When I saw that the Zuckman was gonna go testify for congress I already knew that shit was gonna be retarded.

I had 0 expectations of congress asking the correct questions.

I was still disappointed. That is the beauty of my government. I have 0 expectations and they still disappoint me.

I love playing the devil's advocate. I really do, in this case and even tho I think Facebook is the most toxic shit on the internet (right next to SO) I could not help it but think the entire time that we aaaare told that all our date are belongs to them as soon as we put shit on their application. Its just the nature of the beast. Don't like it? Don't use it! But if you are gonna use it then account for the fact that your data will be used for targeted adds. It makes more sense, I would rather have an add for tutorials and books and shit like i normally get rather than knowing that 10 hot singles are in my area (because those are all lies 9 times out of 10) but then again I would rather not have any adds at all.

One has to account for all the money that fb pours into shit, where do people think fb makes that money from ..duh our data and adds. But shit was too hard to understand for Congress.

I swear to God, if I see one more vim joke I'm going to :x life

Ranted about this guy yesterday (who didn't get that we weren't hosting his server).

Today my colleague picked up the phone and was like "yo, I've got this guy on the phone asking for you *explains who it is*"
Me: Oh FOR FUCKS SAKE. FUCKING FINE, PUT HIM THROUGH 😡
Guy: hey! I just wanted to let you know that the issue has been solved, it was not on your end.
Although I know I'm not required to do this, I want to apologize personally for the behavior of my it guy. It wasn't okay and if you got any stress or whatsoever due to him, again, my sincerest apologies! I've had a talk with him, it won't happen again. Have a great weekend!

Glad those kinda people still exist!

If you start your npm install script at exactly 11:52:04 on New Year's eve, it will finish at exactly midnight.

Start off your 2019 right.

I think one of the main disadvantages of working at Uber is that you should explain you’re an engineer not a driver every time someone ask you about your job

How to get a job at apple

EVERYTIME!!

User interface: 5/10
User experience: 10/10

original dev-related memes with a cause are great

Source: /r/programmerhumor

Found something true as 1 == 1

All I want for Christmas is... 😍😍😍

1: Get a dog
2: Name dog Sudo
3: Teach Sudo to fetch my mail
4: Invite Linux-friend over
5: Yell "sudo fetchmail"
6: ?
7: Profit

One of my friends purchased a bootable USB of ubuntu for around 40 USD.

Girlfriend: What's your biggest fear?

Me: That machines take over the world.

Girlfriend: What?

Toaster: What?