I'm sure this has probably been posted before, but it never fails to drive me nuts, and customers never stop doing it, so:

Why do end users think "it's broken" is all they have to put into the support ticket?

It's a web app, not a goddamn pretzel.

If the turn signal on your car stops working, do you drop your car off at the mechanic, hand them the keys, and say "its broken, fix it!"?

While I'm on the topic, "I tried to do {x} and it gave an error" is better than "its broken", but still: why do you think what the actual error says would be completely irrelevant, especially when we put in the effort to give you relatively meaningful error messages?

I mean, is "there was a problem sending the email" so utterly gibberish to you that it is indistinguishable from "error: 0x000351e6"?

If so, I'm sorry, but you're too stupid to use a goddamn computer!

Today I come across something interresting in SQL Server.

I was optimizing a report query and in the SSMS windows runned in 10 seconds for 3000 rows.

Put it to a stored procedure took me 5 minutes for getting 100 rows.

I was like WTF?

After some research I found out that the problem was that I was using the Stored Procedure parameters in the query.

Created local variables for the parameters and poof... 10 seconds again.

So if you are creating Stored Procedures in SQL Server DO NOT USE THE PARAMETERS FROM THE PROCEDURE. CREATE LOCAL VARIABLES.

One thing I learnt after over two years of working as a programmer is that sometimes making your code DRY is less important than making your code readable, ESPECIALLY if you're working on a shared codebase. All those abstractions and metaprogramming may look good in your eyes, but might cause your teammates their coding time because they need to parse your mini-framework. So code wisely and choose the best approach that works FOR YOUR TEAM.

Our client needs this for today, you'll need to stay late and finish it. *6h later* Clients' QA went for vacation, seems like they will roll it out next week.

(clicks on HTML tutorial video)
(ad starts playing)
"You need a website, why not do it yourself?!"

Arghhhhh that's exactly what I'm trying to do 😡

That moment when you get stressed because you think you've overslept but then realize that you work from home so it doesn't matter

If Rammstein were programmers :D

im a senior c# .net dev and i wear glasses.
i can c# and cant c# at the same time.
ha! beat that!

When I need to finish a project

The deadline got pushed up... To the end of the week.

Web developers - if you can write code to tell me that my phone number or credit card number shouldn't have spaces in it, just remove the #$!@$!* spaces for me FFS! You know very well people are going to put the spaces in there...

Really Microsoft??? Ever heard of clickable links?

when you work from a sample...

Me: why are you using so many break tags?

Intern: Its the only way I can position this div below that form.

Me: *facepalm*

Started work on redeveloping a module for our system, I look at the database document and see two fields, one for date and one for time. Both are full date time and the data is stored like so:
Date I want to store: 2016-04-09 05:54:00
Date: 2016-04-09 00:00:00
Time: 1899-01-01 05:54:00

*At Family Dinner Party*

Aunt- "Oh you're on of those web code guys, that's so cool!"

Me- "Thanks! So what are you do-"

Aunt- "So I have the best idea for a website, we could me millions!"

Me- "Is the food ready..?"