I don’t fucking deserve to live. I’m but a lump of emotional scars. My brain instantly forgets the good, but relives the bad every single day, every hour, all traumas in parallel. I remember every moment and every detail of every traumatic event that happened to me.

Kiki’s body is a prison where Kiki’s uncontrollable brain tortures Kiki.
My body keeps twitching. PTSD flashbacks are unbearable.

I don’t see any reason for this abomination to exist. There is nothing to salvage.

I did everything in my power to regain control and stop the suffering: fitness routine, seven years of treatment with all kinds of psychiatrists, pills, sleeping routine, true love, cutting ties with toxic people… it didn’t help

Nothing ever helped me. I never stood a chance.

Try some couscous.

.

every time you feel bad, concentrate and inverse the feeling exactly

oddly works

On a day you have to say to yourself: "These trauma's and stuff are from an old kiki, I have nothing to do with this shit and accept that you are something new, with a clean slate.".

Because many things in live seem unforgivable so it's easier to pretend it happened to an old version of you. That's what I do.

"I don’t fucking deserve to live."

My opinion, nobody does.

@Demolishun not even your wife or children?!

@jestdotty I think if everyone got what they deserve it would be very unpleasant. We pretend we do good things, but I think most people are extremely selfish. Could be I have a poor outlook. I dunno.

It sucks to not be able to find peace.

I don't know how you can find it tho. But I wish you inner peace. I wish you could feel calm and content.

@Demolishun hmmm well I had a dude follow me around saying I deserve death for a bunch of years, and he had his own justifications for it

so I guess it's good I don't believe people ever "deserve" something. I've felt cheated or betrayed a lot, but I blame myself for not having good enough discernment instead of thinking it was unfair somehow. I got control over that and evidently wanting to control things you can't control is a running theme in people who eventually reach out for therapy...

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also I think selfishness is good 😋
ayn rand wrote a book called virtue of selfishness once. I read that. didn't know someone else agreed with me before 😋

if they're selfish, and you're selfish, now you've got traction. you're negotiating with actual people. people who pretend they're selfless look like they got mental problems to mee (they're also dishonest and have frustration issues, subconscious betrayals, etc)

@jestdotty I wouldn't tell anyone that they don't deserve to live. That's just being a dick. I just think the default state of being a human is broken.

I remember hearing about a book where people pursue their own interests has a net benefit on society. I wouldn't call that being selfish though.

A lot of people still act like children and manipulate for attention and power. That is the kind of selfish I am thinking. We get upset in a bid to control someone else. I see kids do this, I see adults do this.

@Demolishun that's kind of mean man

@Demolishun oh you mean the urge to impose their will on others

been thinking about that. didn't know that plane of existence existed til a bit ago. explains a lot. i know little about it for now

think it has to do with the idea of ego and consciousness, but not any resources on what I'm piecing together

Damn, as a software developer I relate so much to the feeling of unescapable suffering and stress.

Question: do you think if you lived in the woods with your pets and beloved ones would help?

Because if I need no money and could live of the land, damn I'd give up every single javascript framework on earth.

@danae357 I'm bipolar. Without meds, I'll die very quickly.

@kiki Damn, cluster B twinsies, bpd here, didn't think of that x_x

@danae357 stay strong!

Don't be so negative kiki. There's a lot of joy to be found in life. But with most things, you'll have to go out and find it

Be kind to yourself

Oh yeah and go and eat something for gods sake

@12bitfloat thanks man

Everything is the only way it can: meant to be. There is meaning in that -- every heartbeat is a gift that in all likeness would've not been, but somehow still is.

You tell me: just what and __who__ is deserving of the impossibly convenient, billion-fucking-years chain of cosmical events that leads to their existence? Is any of us that good, really? The answer is no, yet here we are. So bask in it, for fuck's sake.

But I get what you mean, I think, so here, have a song: https://youtube.com/watch/...