can't. do. anything.

raaaaaghhh

Maybe, you should focus on what feels good instead of what you want. And if you've done that for a while, you have energy to do what you want.

It's why I did quit every standard, framework, lintingshit regarding my software development. And oh, i have fun like a kid. I know how shit is done. But i also know it doesn't make my happy at all. I'm so happy that i did let go.

What's stopping you?

@retoor but getting what I want makes me happy!

actually that's not true since I never get what I want I don't know if that would be true!

but in my vocabulary... understanding... what I want would make me happy =-=

how else would you know what makes you happy =-=

@D-4got10-01 my own inability, stupidity, but I can also helplessly blame external factors but I'm too enlightened to seriously do that in any way but a joke

frankly probably the brain damage. been ripping my hair out all day. sigh. by the point I wanna bonk myself with a stick a few times as a form of stress relief

@jestdotty i know it sucks to think about it that way, it also sucks to say it, but.., maybe you'd be happier if you accepted the fact that you are fucked and stopped pushing yourself to do things you can't?

Switch to another role, eg mgmt. Or change your profession. Your salary might drop, sure. But maybe, just maybe, removing the 'constant state of frustration' factor in your bau would boost your life quality and make you happier? Wdyt?

Every other day I consider for a moment how good my career life is and what would I do if my hands, eyes, brain were damaged and I could no longer continue. How would I change my career, what would be the next best thing that I could do for € and still be happy with my life [considering].
Maybe stop for a moment and try that?

Who knows, if you gave yourself a long enough break from this constant headbanging, maybe smth will click inside after a month, a year or two and you will be back to your pre-covid self? Maybe you won't even want to be the old you after finding chill and happiness elsewhere?

Thing about it.

You don't MUST be in IT :) it was your choice. You surely have accumulated other skills in your life - maybe use them now. Maybe you have a hobby you could monetize. Maybe farming -- eggs are profitable nowadays, I hear 😁

maybe use your contacts and start your own business, puppeteering other devs/devops and managing client relations and risks yourself, leaving tech work for your minions?

@jestdotty Is starting w/ something smaller && less complex an option for you? It could be easier to start there && walk your way up, given your circumstances.

Sometimes, you need the small win.

Don't worry dot, I believe in you and blame Rust :) I had Delphi as language that was never really comfii to me. Don't matter how much I wrote it, it remained in comfii. Also, only reason I had to do it was financially, my bos wanted it. Lack of Delphi devs. But also made me unhappii.

@netikras I'm unemployed. I had one job and it was a toxic shithole so bad it gave me PTSD and that was over 6 years ago. taking a break did not make me feel better

no, this is hobby stuff

and I'm still unemployed. only reason why I'm alive is I learned some finance and made a good bet with crypto

while I would like normal income because I have plans further than "survive", like a house and land and kids (though I'm getting old here), I don't even know in terms of job prospects. computers were the thing I was good at as a kid, cuz they're so logical and that fit me and relaxed me unlike humans which confused me and kind of were a terror to deal with, or at least always annoying

@netikras pre COVID and post COVID I was fine. it was the vaccine probably. yay

This, is, Spar,taaaa!

Then it is now time for setting aside some time to think what makes you happy and do self-reflecting about what makes you happy. while(true){why();}

HWAT IS HAPPINESS

@jestdotty It's about 'What is love', but hmm... close enough.

https://youtube.com/watch/... .

/jk

@jestdotty What is happiness.. Is it possibly.. the freedom to make choices.. and to respect yourself.. to meet Maslow's hierarchy of needs... is it not..?

@CaptainRant I'm literally trying to do Maslow's hierarchy of needs with tarot and I still ain't getting better

freedom to make choices? I keep getting less and less... even as I run away from choices because they limited my choices, now my choices are being further limited fuck

I asked a self help group of literally diagnosed mentally ill people what respect is... yesterday lmao. one of them laughed at me. literally he's in a self help group and he guffawed at a realization I had out loud, that someone treated me nice when I was sick. goddamn

---

sorry ok yes your answer is serious

in retrospect the only time anyone noticed me in my life is either they're lying about my greatness because they have something to gain or they try to be offensive on purpose, nitpicking at some real or imagined quality I must have. the qualities I do have but they take issue with just suck cuz you're getting validation but clearly then you're all bad now and nobody would like you I guess? respect!

@jestdotty With tarot.. interesting.. o.o ..I hadn't heard of that combination before.

Hmmm... hmmm... then must work with what you have, assess your priorities and loves.. Finding your happiness is indeed something to philosophize about.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t, find out what it means to me. jk. That reminds me of Socrates. The fool laughs when given the gift to ponder a question. There is nothing to laugh about defining and understand what something is. They should be more human and enlighten it with you. Some people also have strange humor.. strange way their brain works. Why, though? He must be bitter somehow, or have a strange mindset. After all, respect is normal...

jestdotty, are you laffing at my answerrrr? lol. (continued-)

@jestdotty Sounds strange, doesn't it..? Sounds so.. primitive, to deceive, to attack, defend.. Do we not have wise minds around? People are supposed to peacefully and reflectively accept you, even if they have critical thought. It sounds like they try to get attention. Thou art the silent mountain.. (no?) and they find it mysterious.

What is respect.. what is respect.. reverence, it is. To admire, to not put below you. (dictionary) to be considerate towards. That makes sense because the etymology also explains it: respectus (Latin); "regard, a looking at," re- "back" (see re-) + specere "look at".

And so, I interpret: if you don't look at someone, that's a form of disrespect. If you don't take a look at their world at all, you are not respecting them. Yes, to respect is to signal that you are aware of the person and their existence, together with their qualities.

As an example, you can see how I respect you because I took the time to be considerate and make sure you are ok.