What the fuck is this AI bullshit?

I mean, whatever you try to do takes 2834570892 gigs of space, $19357413 worth of GPU VMs and a metric fuck ton of "what the fucks?!?!" per minute of trying to figure out how to get this fucking bullshit to just.fucking.work.

Backstory: trying to put together a service that answers a simple fucking section: "does any other user use this photo?"

Obviously, you can't just pass two photos to a function and have it say true or false without ending up paying more than you'd make by selling half of england's kids' kidneys. What if it's cropped? what if it's inverted? what if it's been used in a different resolution? what if it's been converted to black& white? what if it's been resized?

FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK

It had to turn into yet another PhD research session

FUCK ME

2 million years of evolution and we can't have a simple mother fucking gem that tells you if a picture is there or not

Enter AI, mankind's latest saviour that "does everything and it does it better than people", and allegedly cheaper since pretty much everybody and their fucking rabid pekingese are whining that "AI WilL taKE mY FucKinG JoB omG it's BooMerS faUlT they destroy our planet and our lives".
Anyway, let's fucking google this shit because some other idiot must have figured this out by now: 20+ different web services doing what I need (basically "describe an image in detail" so I can plug whatever it spits out into a method that fuzzy matches against other descriptions in a table... along with other methods that check using other strategies) so yeah, let me just click the "Pricing" page and... what the actual FUCK $1 to describe an image? I will buy a 787 full of chinese and paki kids and force them to describe images 24/7 in my basement for less than what I'd pay those fuckers for their service

Anyway, let's pull out plan C, forget those wankers, let me see how the fuck it's done and I'll set it up to run on some machine somewhere... llm llava ollama fuck-in-the-face... what the fuck were those people high on when they named all this crap? Nevermind. Spent 6 fucking days getting it to install and run (have you fuckers ever heard of developer experience or user experience? fuckheads) but still can't use it because it takes $2000/mo in GPUs to DESCRIBE A FUCKING IMAGE.

FUCK.ALL.OF.THIS.