Who did I piss off in my life to have to deal with this bullshit? First day off of vacation. I am vacation hungover and just regular hungover. Left my Xanax at home. I just sat through a 45 minute meeting that I didn't have to be in for longer than three minutes. I have what my work place calls scrum in 7 minutes, another fucking meeting I don't have to be in cuz vacation. I wasn't even planning on coming in today except for the fact that my fucking boss came in, in the middle of his vacation, to schedule a meeting this afternoon and then go ghost when I try to either reschedule or at least ask what my fucking responsibility in this meeting is this whole thing is making me sick to my stomach because anger triggers my anxiety which triggers my stomach issues which triggers my phobia which triggers more anxiety which then triggers my anxiety. Gods fucking dammit. Why did I come back from vacation just to arrive in meeting hell? Nothing is okay.

!dev

1. It's one of those few times in life that listening to Lq's Numb doesn't make me feel less anxious. Or Somewhere I Belong. Either way, anxiety levels are on all time high.

2. I have completely lost appetite. Usually at this point in time I'd go to doctor and ask for Xanax or something similar, to chill for a few days. But covid. I ain't going to any clinic, plus, ain't nobody got time for that.

3. On top of everything, I am also PMSing. The lack of energy, times n. (n>10)

4. Struggling to get out of bed for hours is now a reality.

5. I'm glad ("glad" is exaggeration tho) this will pass in a few weeks. I am hanging on to that hope and experience tells me it will pass. But my feelings are like "nah, we doomed. Let's just run away. Or just sleep until it all passes or we die of starvation."

6. My brain must work for the next few days. If I have to push it by drowning it in sugar, I will. But I'm also obese rn. Well, I guess it's "Hello diabetes!".

7. My hands and feet are cold. Like, freezing cold. Meanwhile, the rest of me is sweating. This sucks. Ngl.

8. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Like, those last stabby stabs moments in a battle where you know you're gonna fall down soon. I know this feeling of doom and gloom is PMS related, but it's there. I have no solution for that aside from nicotine and sugar.

9. I can't even cry. Which is sad.
... Do you see what's happening there? That's the loop I'm in.