Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

My girlfriend dumped me after I named a class after her. She felt I treated her like an object.

"A different error message! Finally some progress!"

At the top of a 2000+ line source file

The whiteboard.

Sarcasm, because people around the office don't think I'm enough of a dick

My Toddler son playing cars on the keyboard, simultaneously simulating dumb user input on a website.

Ahhh DDoS attacks

Student - Teacher renaming .c to .exe make the program executable ?

Teacher - Yes

A group of people stand up and walking to the door

Teacher - Where are you all going ?

Students - We are going to drop this class.

USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails

Does coffee counts as a tool ?

Windows
Best for handling stupid clients

Mac
Best for looking professional

Linux
Best price.

During a software presentation for a group of clients i said:
"I reworked the interface for you. Now it's idiot-proof."

Copyright notices be slaying....

Google. I can find ALL the answers I need 😁

That's a good one!

How to vertically center in css..

That would be 🙄

Girl : I like dangerous men.
Me : I didn't run test cases while committing my changes last night.
Girl : my hero!

Me : *wakes up from the dream*

When you have the users test your application

Every single group chat I'm in has started talking about multiple things at once and I'm always SOOOOOOOO tempted to make a comment about multithreading but then I remember that nobody else will find it funny. I NEED MORE PROGRAMMER FRIENDS.

UI design gone wrong

What if freelancers are just prostitutes for code? 🤔

"Why is this taking so long?"

"Unforeseen complications"

"Why didn't you factor that in while estimating?"

"Because thats impossible, by definition."

"Are you familiar with uploading your code to Google Drive?"

I left the building at that exact moment.

Read to the end.

Just got this slack from our server admin.

Umm, Wut?

Windows user will understand!