Completely 100% not dev related.

But really I need the opinion of smarter people. Tell me how I don't make fun of the way people look, talk down on others regardless of <whatever>. Try to be as nice as possible to everyone, but the moment I say that I am not attracted to overweight people (women in my case since I am a heterosexual male) am I suddenly fatphobic and hate fat people. First of, phobia means fear, and I can assure people that fat people don't trigger any fear response from my end.
Nor do I disregard them as humans just cuz of them extra kilos. But suddenly because I explain how I can't be sexually attracted to someone that is overweight am I fatphobic?

This shit baffles me.

Yeah, it is kinda stupid to label anyone for their beliefs, opinions, and hangups. It closes down discussion and you immediately subtract quotient points. For example I have nothing against black people, but I don't like a lot of the movies the industry pushes as "black media". It is just not my thing. Some of my favorite actors are black though. I did like the Cosby show. That didn't age well.

I am also less attracted to heavy people. I think thinner and petite is more attractive. Especially if I can tell the muscle is toned. Some people like big women and bigger boobs. Not my thing. I don't talk about any of this stuff at work though. These are things I don't want coworkers to know, and things I don't want to know about coworkers.

@rutee07 and that is literally what I ended up doing. Told the person "ok, you're right whatever" and went about my business. I honestly believe that regardless of how nice one tried to be there is really no winning to having arguments with these people.

As a fat guy, there's only so many extra pounds you can deal with before it's no longer attractive.

That doesn't mean I dislike the person, nor does it mean that it would affect the relationship with said person, but there's a difference between disliking someone and not being sexually attractive to someone.

@TheCommoner282 Phobia is Greek and literally means fear. Anything else is hijacking the word for propaganda purposes.

@AleCx04 when people lack any positive trauts in themselves, they start projecting their insecurities on others to make themselves feel better.

Reminds me of the old coworker from Dilbert.

@Fast-Nop the language (d)evolves… seems like social studies has hijacked the word, probably because they suck at understanding.

Anyway, there is an actual word (again, root in Greek) that is used for dislike or hatred: -misia. The only word that I have come across in real life use is transmisia (hatred towards trans people), that replaced a word used earlier extensively, which y’all probably heard of. I do think this distinction between fear and hatred is important to make. I don’t think there are many actually homophobic people out there, but still a ton of homomisic ones.

That being said, I don’t think @AleCx04 is fatmisic either, as it implies active hatred or strong dislike, not the lack of being sexually attracted to someone…

@TheCommoner282 I stand corrected my good sir. Makes sense to me. And indeed, we are all whores at heart

@100110111 definitely. I have a lot of friends that are exceedingly overweight. Heck, two of my employees and close friends are well past the threshold. I make 0 comments on it and have them in the highest regards, I won't ever dare to shame someone physically. BUT being a male, say I had a nice girl that was attracted to me and was kind etc, but severely overweight, I am just not going to be attracted to her sexually on account on it. pp won't get hard thinking about her, because physically she is not what I like. May I make some amends if the person connects to me on an emotional level? sure, but will I be pp hard attracted to her? no.

Still, I won't ever shame people on this. This person in particular took offense because I did not say that someone that was morbidly obese was "beautiful". I understand this notion is subjective, but still, it does not process within me.

@Floydimus literally how my response went

@C0D4 interesting, in my mind I picture you like the coding version of Thor.

@Demolishun exactly, everyone has their preferences. Shame that mine come from my uncle's collection of playboy, but still, there is a reason why most people find those attractive, they are appealing to the eye and nice to see. Nothing wrong with being overweight other than health concerns, but that is their lives, not mine. Still, I honestly can't feel obliged to be at fault for not liking someone with obesity when I already have a set preference.

@TheCommoner282 just to be clear: I am aware that social studies has used, and still uses, and has popularised the linguistically flawed usage of the the word phobia. Which does make your argument valid in that sense.

Thankfully, for the clarity of scientific and academic dicourse, they have finally started to correct their mistakes and are transitioning to the usage of misia instead where applicable. Speaking about phobia when there’s no irrational horror involved is misleading. Though, I think a lot of transmisia, for example, stems from irrational fear, the usual kind that humans are so suspectible to: the fear for the unknown. So in that sense, talking about phobias is not completely unjustified.

@AleCx04 🤔
I mean, I have the body to do it, but think more like drunk Thor.

Now if only I had a hammer to go from keg to a solid 6 pack over night.

@TheCommoner282 to be honest, that’s exactly the kind of thing I do. And yes, I have done exactly that once or twice.

Don't worry, most people are not attracted to fatties. Don't listen to those retards.

As an obese woman, I am righteously offended by this discourse.

^That was sarcasm. Though the obese woman part is true.

Anyone whose response to you not finding overweight people sexually attractive is just a) overweight and reacting based on their insecurity that they’re not attractive in general or b) virtue signaling on behalf of people who they think are overweight and insecure about it.

As far as I’m concerned, I think everyone’s attracted to a different set of attributes - that could be physical or nonphysical (intelligence, ability to play guitar, whatever) and that that’s bloody good because there’s so much fucking variation in humans that if that weren’t the case there’d be a bunch of people pining over one person and a whole shit ton of people missing out on the dating game. Everyone should be able to love who and what they love and screw (WITH CONSENT) who they want to screw.

Except kids. Don’t know why I feel the need to clarify, but I do. 🔪

@AleCx04 just double down. They are already offended by something.
Say something like:
"ok, you got me. I do like morbidly obese woman. The problem? I don't like you in particular. Horrible personality. bye now!"
And they will never bother you again.

@AmyShackles *slams pitcher down

AGREED

Fat shaming is a thing and there are people who find it attached.
But no matter how they try to dress it with your beautiful songs and fancy terms, obese people generally just let go and are disgusting (my limit of calling someone obese is rather high). As long as you are only afraid that they want to kiss you or crush you that is fine. I'd say they have the phobia's just like the anorexic.
Of course with a larger part of the

American population being overweight you it is wise to not to say these kind of things even though they are true. Just leave it that you are not attracted to them. Play dumb when they ask why.

@TheCommoner282 I know the pitfalls, yes. Hence I only do that when I have the confidence in my linguistic knowledge. And even then, I tend to double check before I state, if I can. I also do readily acknowledge when I’m possibly wrong. I know my Latin pretty well, and am a hobbyist in linguistics. Greek is a bit more fuzzy, especially now that I’ve misplaced a reference book I had.

You're (mostly) not responsible for what others interpret.

I like chubby (not overweight) people. They must have a name for me like “Slimophobic” or something. Yeah fuck that! It’s our own choice!

Let’s just fucking love what we want to love! Fuck them bullies!

I love you and you love me. And we respect each other and each other’s opinions. That’s all that fucking matters!

@AmyShackles

> "Except kids. Don’t know why I feel the need to clarify, but I do"

Well if two teenagers want to screw each other... fine with me 🤷‍♀️

@AmyShackles I don't remember you being obese 🤔

@100110111 objects to how language is currently used. Doesn't speak like a 1600's Shakespearian character. Fails to see irony.

Vis a vis the actual point, define "fat" as much as anything. Who is/isn't? It's a sliding scale, very perceptual, personal opinion. So raising it as a criteria by which you reject people is just a bit shallow. Do you need to specify why you're not interested in someone? Does it positively contribute to any discourse? I'm assuming there are other reasons you might not be interested in someone but opening with that is likely to trigger body image issues in a society that quite literally ingrains body issues in our psyche. It's like rejecting people because they're short. I'm 6ft4, but if someone has "must be over 6ft" in their dating profile, I'm not gonna be interested.

The other option is to focus on positive language, discuss what you are attracted to rather than what you're not attracted to. As much as anything, I'm willing to bet that list is a lot shorter.

By singling out a couple of traits you're not attracted to, it does imply phobia. The difference between "I'm not attracted to fat people" and "I'm not attracted to introverts/extroverts". I'm willing to bet there's some truth in both of those statements, but one wouldn't consciously register, implying its root in a bias.

@iiii I’m hourglass-shaped, which means that sometimes people have a hard time telling. Also, I don’t have a particularly pudgy face. Believe me when I say this was suuuper awkward back when I was online dating.

But yeah, no, in any definition for obesity, I’m obese. I’m down to 332 pounds (was 346 in late September) and I’m 5 foot 6 inches.

@AmyShackles okay, i guess i haven't seen you that recently

I have @rutee07 phobia. It is his massive personality I am afraid of.

First, the phobia = fear thing, not really true cause the semantics on the suffix has changed and now means something else.

Now the thing about attraction x fatphobia: it's fine to not be attracted to someone, or multiple someones who are fat. really. that's not the issue. what people often have a problem with is saying outright that you wouldn't be attracted to any fat person, cause you can't know it for sure, right? not unless you've met all of them. sure, you can have preferences, and socialization plays a great part in that (see the billions of ads with skinny people), but idk, just check within yourself if there's not some discrimination lying beneath it. i know it's not easy to look for something ugly in yourself, but we all have our issues, so please don't be offended, i mean no harm ☺️

@atheist I define fat by CDC standards in terms of a person being from the overweight to the obese spectrum of things. Not really opinion based. I will be hard pressed to find someone telling me that someone like Chris Evans or Gal Gadot is overweight (fat) And while I get what you are saying, I don't find it shallow to have a preference. I do find it shallow to put something like the example you mentioned on an online dating profile. But as far as being asked, as I was, if I am attracted to X person that is <thing I don't find attractive> then I really don't see it as anything other than mere preference.

@darksideofyay I took no offense from your statement. But I think I stand firm on the idea that I can't be attracted to something that I just don't find attractive. I do not find overweight/obese bodies attractive.

I don't take away from their humanity or value as people, not at all. But I just don't find it attractive

@AleCx04 huh, so by your definition, almost every professional rugby player is severely obese. Almost as if BMI was created by an economist or something. And by your definition, yes Chris Evans with a BMI of 26.1 is obese. Hate to break it to you.

Like I was saying, fat is a sliding scale. Almost as if I'm a qualified gym instructor and know what I'm talking about or something.

@AleCx04 I agree you can have a preference, I think it's hard to generalise because you've failed to define what 'fat' is. The CDC uses BMI, a bullshit metric that puts anyone with muscle (eg most professional athletes, a lot of people that look muscly) into the obese category.

In the example you gave, where you're asked about a specific individual, yes I think you should be able to say you don't find their physique attractive, I wouldn't default to saying it's because they are too 'fat' but you should be able to answer if pressed. But saying you don't find any fat bodies attractive requires you to be able to give a definition. Otherwise it's down to your perception.

Fuck, some women with large breasts count as overweight (BMI greater than 25).

@rutee07 huh, used to be 26 BMI was obese then 30 was morbidly obese. Looks like they've changed the boundaries. I was a gym instructor a decade ago so... 🤷‍♂️

@rutee07 And meet Mr BMI of 37, Kyle Sinckler

@rutee07 *37*, morbidly obese starts at 35.

And yes, even I think he's got a rockin bod.

Still, Tom Hiddleston.

Was doing a bit of reading on this, my BMI is apparently 28 (I'm doing 10-15 hours exercise a week at the moment, am an ex fitness instructor), found this which seems to be pretty interesting, better indicator, ranks me as below average risk (as much as anything I hate BMI because it so badly fits me, I'm like, 12% body fat, 105kg, 193cm)

https://shapescale.com/blog/health/...

@rutee07 so I prefer "functional" strength (I'm climbing about 10 hours a week at the moment, plus some time doing weights to maintain symmetry). I think there's a point when there's too much showing (veins, muscle definition), at least while he's working out its not that nice a look. Needs a bit of body fat to round everything out, becomes about presence more than size.

I'm pushing pretty hard at the moment because as much as anything I had a severe case of covid, ended up being hospitalized, was super physically limited for a year, lost about 15% of my body mass (I nearly died, so...)

@atheist Glad you didn’t die, friend!

@atheist okok I kinda do see what you mean. But you mind telling me who would say Chris Evans is fat compared to dudes like the comedian Gabriel Iglesias?

Or can anyone really tell me that when I say I prefer girls within the range of Gal Gadot or most playboy bunnies to say someone like Rebel Wilson they will get I mean slim/fit vs fat?

I am probably missing something man, but it kinda sounds that I can be 5'7 and weight 450 lbs (204 kilos approx) and someone tells me that they are not attracted to me because of my fatness I can tell them "well, define fat?".

I do see your points tho, even though I do think that we can pinpoint a fat person vs a non fat person.

@AleCx04 there are three conversations on a sliding scale.

"I'm sorry, I don't find you attractive"
"Can I ask why?"
"I prefer more petite figures"

"I don't find you attractive because you're fat"

"all fat people are unattractive"

The first is fine. The third is an asshole comment. The second is pretty borderline asshole.

Yes, you, personally, can probably say someone is too fat for you to find them attractive, but who fucking cares what you think? Unless you're asked, you don't need to go out of your way to tell people.

By generalising to all fat people, you're going out of your way to tell people.

@atheist precisely why I don't get the need for this. You think I just stand out there and yelled that I don't like fat people because they are unattractive?

Precisely what I meant by me saying that I get your point. I need to give you the details of how this came about or we are just going to assume that I went to a mic and yelled "all the fat people look up, y'all ugly and I wouldn't fuck you"

Now to the other one, regardless of how you spin it and based on what I said before: A fat person, or mind you, someone I CONSIDER FAT for MY TASTE will not be sexually arousing for me.

Might be for you, might be for a lot of others, I dig it, I respect it, and I support it. But it ain't me man

that's the islamoleftist feminist intersectional alphabet soup cult for ya.

there's no real meaning to those words, there never was, you can just translate all of them as "[swear word used for those not in the cult]"

oh and don't forget that you're a man, so you're not allowed to not be attracted to someone, that's *phobic.

you're also not allowed to be attracted to anyone, that's rapey and male gazey and patriarchaly entitled.

hang out with non politically correct people, that's what I do, you ASS, lol