now I'm morbidly depressed from these antipsychotics

it's also really fucked up psychiatry lies to you and uses their psychology research to manipulate you

turns out I should've just been given sleeping pills and I would've been fine. instead they put me on those things and while they helped me sleep they kept me on them. turns out they numb you out so I didn't feel anything until I got basically "morbid depression". it went through the anxiety and numbness of the pill (and the anxiety is "just a symptom" you should just manage with another pill!). so then I quit the pill without telling anyone since I was so desperate and those fuckers aren't your friends, they just pretend to be to gain your trust so they can feed you lies to get you to do what they want you to do which is really fucked up because they're abusing vulnerable people reaching out for help but I digress.. actually seems those who have the highest compliance with psychiatry have the worst life outcomes so that's really fucking funny

now I AM actually feeling crazy and mentally unstable which is fucking great. going off it my emotions came back but they're not my emotions. I am also impulsive, because apparently that's a symptom they don't tell you about. miserable, depressed, impulsive, with wildly fluctuating emotions. the desire to run away from myself but you can't. Jesus fuck. what are they even doing to people

one day I was so miserable I eventually went running and the pain of running could overpower the pervasive feeling of misery I felt 24/7 all the fucking time. then I got fucking manic for 4 hours afterwards because I guess I could produce some dopamine again and my body doesnt know how to handle that

this morning I wake up and I'm miserable but not in the same way. forced myself to go running and I wasn't pushing myself because my body is actually literally depressed, not the "I'm burning on fire" depressed. so I guess I didn't run hard enough. took a shower and cried the whole way through. why? fuck if I know

I can safely say Ive never been depressed but I sure as fuck am now. what the fuck are they forcing on people. it isnt even statistically helping anyone. every fucking field is fucked up

I'm just so done with people. we're fucked up animals. I thought about mortality, how every single person all they ever do is lie to you to take advantage of you. I don't enjoy a single fucking thing anymore. also now I'm perpetually hungry, because apparently hunger is an actual emotion for me so once the antipsychotic (which was supposed to make me fat apparently) wore off and was no longer numbing my emotions out now all I wanna do is eat constantly even if I don't wanna cook food or do anything but sleep and cry or even if Im fucking so full my stomach hurts. what the fuck man

and people just disgust me. I dont like anybody. told the case worker running helped me once and he just about wanted to invite into his running cult and I was just so grossed out

and the one job I had made me feel not built for this world because of how depressing they were (irony now) and I wanted to off myself logically for 3 months before I found out I could just quit the job. but this means the idea of getting a job just gives me intense anxiety, an anxiety distinct from the chemically induced anxiety their psychiatry has done to me. now I can't even enjoy anything though so the joke's on me

the caveat of not being built for this world keeps echoing in my head. I don't like people. everybody lies and takes advantage. I don't even enjoy hobbies anymore. why did I ever?

and I'll just die of being destitute anyway. submit to slavery, take our shit, or die. and dont forget to smile and have passion and curiosity while we pump you full of retard drugs that numb you out and shrink your brain and tell you there's nothing wrong with that and that's the way things are meant to be and laugh at you for "trying to think" but by the way you should be an industry expert also while never critically thinking about anything and taking drugs that literally shrink your brain

humans are a joke

I lost my sense of humor and I hope it comes back. but actually if I remember correctly I got fired for having sarcasm. so maybe it's best if you don't exist. fuck you, please us. dance, monkey

and all the while nothing is possible because we made the rules and take these pills that literally make you incapable and smile because we put garbage in your head to gaslight you about existence. no wonder everybody just says fake garbage. do they even know? probably not

where's the escape button? where's the philosophy to make it make sense? guess you're just born RNG and you either win the game or you don't. there's no sap or sentimentality about it. if you believe in God or enjoy something too hard that colors pop it means you have psychosis, ayyo. oh fuck I totally forgot they even specify some kind of thinking style as psychosis - uh oh!

depression disables adaptability, too 🤪

I got 2 PS3 Move sticks (the kind with the ball, usable for VR) for $5 from a local pawn that always low-prices tech (I also got one of the thumbstick ones without the ball, and a Wiimote as well, both bundled with) and decided to try and set up PSMoveService on my PC. Half my mobo and the USB Bluetooth stick I've had for like 5 years just failed the smoke test. The USB controller on my mobo released the mysterious blue death smoke (the only other interface I have is ONE PS/2 port) and the Bluetooth stick caught on ACTUAL FUCKING FIRE. The PS Move controllers have been shorted out in the chaos, and my keyboard's also been shorted out.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

I need a new mobo ($100-$400), 2 new PSMove sticks ($100+ on eBay) and a new Bluetooth stick (the one I had was actually really cool, but I can get a new good one for $50, just not THAT one)

That's a $250 bill at the *very* least.