"There's nothing more permanent than a temporary hack." - Kyle Simpson

A colleague of mine had to debug performance problems in a foreign, proprietary application that is ancient.

To be crystal clear: Only reason that thing exists is because some old geezers fear change.

Asked me for help cause it's an _ancient_ MS SQL server that is luckily running on hardware owned by us.

Finding the credentials was already a funny task.

We had to access the vault (not joking here, we have a physical vault for storing sensitive data and critical backups), grab a folder and find the necessary data cause no one ever dares to touch that thing.

The application is btw for a sort of ERP / inventory system that is used in some ancient shops not yet migrated...

Yeah. Story speaks for itself.

Anyway, after dusting off ourselves, we were able to connect.

Was a bit ... Interesting. Everything's in german. The worst kind of german.

After looking at the first tables, I started giggling.

My colleague knew immediately that this was a sign of danger (insert Simpson meme here), raised his eyebrows and asked "How bad is it....".

Me, still giggling, "lemme take a further look, this is gold".

*long sigh from the colleague*

Well... It ended with me putting my hands in front of my eyes, turning around and saying: "I cannot look at it anymore, it hurts too much...."

To summarize:
- German table names
- When a table exceeded 300 plus columns, they added another table with the same plus suffix "_ddd"… where ddd is an zero filled integer sequence like 001
- To join this mess, they created views... Named "generator" - Sequence Number ... Some had the beginning of table names appended, which doesn't make it less confusing.
- the process list was listing queries running longer than 5 mins.

Which isn't at all surprising when generating carrtesian products of N tables with left join.

I've seen shit.... I've seen a lot of shit.

But that shit scared me.

An identifier or keyword cannot immediately follow a numeric literal.ts(1351)

-Marge Simpson grumbling-

Homer Simpson - “just booting up win - [windows is installing updates] doh’s!”

Probably this was posted before but I never saw it here.

It's official. I've hit javascript ~fatigue~. *Burnout*. STAAAAHP with all the frameworks and libraries and weirdly named stuff. To quote Abe Simpson: "I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you...".

I need to switch gears.

Someone's guts will be torn out tomorrow and put up on a nice clean razor barbed wire ...

I was wondering what the fucking fuck messed up my brain - till I realized that some dev mixed up the timezone on one of our servers. Dunno how the dev managed it - but the end result was not funny.

Due to the difference in time strings the newer backup had an older timestamp - and vice versa.

Which - when you want to do mass clean up and migration - is a very fucked up thing.

I had to manually check dozens of backups to make sure I got the right ones...

-.- knife goes in, gut goes out. Thx Bart Simpson.

"It takes the same amount of effort to make bad art as to make good art, and you won’t know which you’ve made until you release it into the wild. You can continue to refine a work until it doesn’t set off your own quality alarms, but that’s no guarantee that what you’ve made will touch anybody." - Nate Simpson

I totally understand why coding can be difficult

For clarity, I will always use 'this' to refer to the special keyword, and "this" or this or this otherwise.
-Kyle Simpson