Details
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AboutI like PHP
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Skillsstuborn selftaught with a little bit of improvised knowledge of everything.
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LocationGroningen, Netherlands
Joined devRant on 5/17/2016
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Migration in progress (long one, lasting over a month)
PM: Let's schedule a meeting to discuss migration progress
PM: Let's schedule a meeting to agree on what should we test
PM: Let's schedule a meeting to get specs of the new infra
Seriously, PMs. One 1 hour long meeting costs at least 4 hours of productive time (1 hour for travel, 1 hour for the meeting, 1+ hour for preparing for the meeting, 1+ hour for post-meeting discussions). And more often than not all meetings end with "We will come back to you later in regards to <some question not answered during meeting>" and it always means "we'll continue this chat via emails"
Why can't you first ask "do we need a meeting or can we sort this out via email?" ??? Or are you intentionally wasting everyone's time?4 -
Okay, so today I've taught a colleague how to use a simple office ruler to measure AWS server's CPU usage :) We needed to figure out whether CPU% spikes correlate with error message in logs an d latency spikes. Once again a ruler was the perfect tool for the job.
P.S. no, CPU% spikes did not correlate to errors in logs1 -
ajax hell/dom hell
do you know it? no dont talk abut the callback hell.
i fcking hate it when i load any modern site, and it needs a few seconds to calc some stuff, xhr this, calc that, dom/css visible that. at all it takes more time specially if you on low end to mid equipmemt.
And then you think its finally loaded, you want to click or tab something and then another xhr was Finished, dom/css changed, and the button i was about to Click moved and i click something else.
friends of me hates this to.
so please dear webdevs, stop try to be cool and fancy just because you found out how "cool" conditions in css and dom is. stop using that bullshit angular (and so on) bullshit if you cant manage to pull out a html at start that will not changr its layout all the time after being loaded, ty.9 -
Are you for real Guido/python devs?! Can we stop shoving politics into non issues just to virtue signal please?
What the fuck is next?! Oh you can't kill a process you politely put it to sleep, you can't call that machine a server anymore it might get offended now it's called a service caring electrical appliance, hey what about removing python all together after all python could be misconstrued as phallic and drive women away; I know! Let's call it Santa/elves instead of master/slave!
Fuck off! And what's that of you being akward saying server/slave terminology around black people? That's insanely racist! Who the fuck thinks all black people are descendants of slaves? Why the fuck are you racist enough to imply they can't do their job properly because (unlike you) they would be uncomfortable, you low expectations racist fuck!
You just fucked with your open source base and I really don't wanna see python going woke and then broke.
https://github.com/python/cpython/...31 -
"Let's go for the low hanging fruit first" 🤢
"I think we should do some market research" 🤢
"Yeah that is also on my radar" 🤢
OKAY YOU FUCKING CUNT, STOP WITH YOUR PATRONIZING SHIT.
FIRST OF ALL, ARE YOU REALLY SO SMALL MINDED THAT YOU CAN'T REACH ANY HIGHER? THIS TREE IS FUCKING RAW AMD BARE ON THE BOTTOM, WITH YOUR FILTHY CLAWS GRASPING FOR ALL THOSE EASY NARROW FIXES.
SECONDLY, A FUCKING EMAIL SURVEY WITH BIASED QUESTIONS ANSWERED BY 3 HOBOS IS NOT BLOODY MARKET RESEARCH.
THIRDLY, IF THIS NUCLEAR ICBM OF AN INFRASTRUCTURE PROBLEM IS ON YOUR RADAR, MAYBE STOP FONDLING YOUR SWEATY BALLS FOR A MINUTE AND TAKE ACTION.
"Okay lets peel this onion, so we hit the ground running" 😩🤢😞
NO, LET'S NOT "HIT THE GROUND RUNNING", YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING TRIP AND MESS UP YOUR FACE EVEN MORE. HOW ABOUT GET YOUR PILE OF SHIT IN ORDER FOR ONCE, PREPARE FOR A MEETING? HOW ABOUT THOUGHTFUL ACTION, SOME FEATURE DESIGN?
"No, just implement it quick and dirty" 🤢😡👿
OH YOU WANT IT QUICK AND DIRTY? IS THAT HOW YOU FUCK YOUR DAD AS WELL?
"Let's evaluate the fix in a few weeks. We really had good synergy here team" 🤢😫
YEAH SURE, LET'S EVALUATE THIS.... BUT LET'S EVALUATE IT RIGHT NOW: 😡
"Ahem....
1. You're always late for meetings.
2. After 6 months, you still barely know what we do as a company, you still don't know the teams, and you still don't know the product.
3. You do not listen to engineers flooding you with red flags, requiring time for a redesign to fix serious scaling issues.
4. Everything must be a quickfix, nothing is allowed to require thought, because you CAN ABSOLUTELY NOT think ahead for more than 30 seconds.
OH AND IF YOU EVER AGAIN COVER UP ONE OF YOUR MANY SHORTCOMINGS WITH THAT FUCKING SLIMEY DOUCHEBAG MANAGER VOCABULARY OF YOURS, LET'S SEE HOW MUCH SYNERGY YOU FEEL WHEN YOU'RE DEEPTHROATHING A CACTUS."18 -
Me: "Concierge, I have noticed this issue with live potential on ground a couple of months ago, just a friendly reminder that this still hasn't been fixed."
Concierge: "Well yeah this building is certified (god I hate that word) so whatever measurements you've taken, it doesn't mean anything when it isn't done by the electricians."
M: "Aha, back to that piece of paper huh.. taking measurements requires a piece of paper these days, doesn't it."
C: "Glad you're quick on the uptake."
M: "Well I have the brains in my head to do a proper measurement without dying, and the numbers don't lie."
C: "What do you think that the landlord is going to say? I'm sure you still remember that email "DON'T TOUCH THE ELECTRICITY!""
C: "And remember that she'll probably rather file a complaint against you than to let an electrician come check it, because the latter costs money for something that's already certified."
M: "Well that sucks..."
C: "The certified electricians certified this building. Your hands are pretty much tied."
M: …
*walks off in frustration*
Now, as for the rant. *inhales deeply*
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN SHOVE THAT PIECE OF PAPER?! DOWN YOUR FUCKING ASS! WHAT DOES A FUCKING PIECE OF PAPER MEAN TO JUSTIFY WRONGDOING?! WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MEAN WHEN IT ISN'T BACKED BY A FUCKING BRAIN?!
Yet I apparently can't do anything, because I refuse to certify myself. Now you know why I fucking hate certified enganeers, and why I use that word. The piece of paper doesn't mean shit when you can't back it with an actual fucking brain. And requiring a certificate to do stupid shit, even for changing a fucking light bulb, or a switch or an outlet or whatever. Certified enganeers, because fuckers like that don't deserve to be called engineers. You know what, certified motherfuckers? FUCK YOU!! I can change it myself and I don't (shouldn't) need a bloody fucking certificate for that!!16 -
I stare through the blueish black backgrounds and blurry colorful syntax into a somewhat familiar office within a mirrored world. That damned reflective glass layer covering these meaningless pixels is certainly not on my side.
The rushing sound of transactions flowing through cables is silenced today. Some blood cloth in the invoicing system is zeroing out everything after the currency mark.
While sighing I spin a one-and-a-half pirouette on my desk chair — even when desperate, you shouldn't give up on style — I take three steps away from my screen and try to harmonize my thoughts.
So much noise, everywhere... Noise from within?
I have been stuck at the apogee of an inhale for a while now. Locked into some masochistic constriction, self-punishment for the blindness which stings my ego.
Just fucking take a deep breath you asshole...
I freeze in place, and fall backwards.
Patterns on the creamy drywall rapidly vibrate and synchronize on vivid rhythms of respiration and resonating basslines. Deep indigo rainbows ripple through tiny veins, in-between chalky grains, raining as fine magenta dust through the ceiling frames.
My bare feet slide over soft oscillating concrete, fine flows of unsievable sand surrounded by toes, toes surrounded by streaming variables veiled in obscure vile abstractions.
A jadegreen field of vectored compressions resiliently rumbles and bounces through the clearances and corners of the vibrant concrete office cave, whispering in tongues. I try to voice my woes in little blips and bleeps but I seem to be missing an asymmetric key to their shrouded sequenced speech.
Suddenly, a wild turbulence breaks up all signals.
Joanna floats by in her tipsy effervescent cloud of disordered black hair and alcohol perfume, one hand grasping grapes, her other waving at me.
With every finger she moves a thousand tensors propagating paradoxically flawed but perfect pieces of an intricate surreal picture, sketching whole constellations of possible paths throughout the leafs of the giant Ficus next to her desk.
She stops dead in her tracks, and asks somewhat hypocritically: "Are you high?"
I can not discern the meaning of her words, and respond stoically.
"Joanna! Check out those branches!".
"Pun intended?", she giggles.
I'm focused on her grapeless hand, her fingers stretching to reach the lush little tree.
On touch, the plant shivers, grappled in the tight net of the puppet master. She pulls her strings, applying measured weights, all nodes normalize, and Joanna speaks in an oddly soft tone:
"Isn't it beautiful, how so many models emulate nature"
Her cheek buried in foliage she babbles on about unbalanced search trees and machine learning models... but from the tips of her fingers tables and indexes flow into the plant. Users, payments, tariffs, invoices and taxes crawl over the bark, joining at thicker branches, joining at the stem....
Joining. JOINING. A JOIN.
"IF THERE'S NO FUCKING TAX MULTIPLIER IN THIS LEFT JOIN, EVERYTHING COALESCES TO ZERO" I shout at a perplexed Joanna who squeezes grape juice over her desk. I hop on the beat to my keyboard. She looks puzzled, hugs her Ficus tightly, and reaches for the whiskey bottle behind her monitor.
Attracted by my exclamation, Tom from finance swings open the door, while I push my branch.
I look at Joanna still half hiding between the leaves, and I laugh at her: "Branches! Oh, lame, I finally got it!"
Tom's heavy voice interrupts me: "Does this mean... does this mean that the invoicing bug is resolved?".
I smile at Tom with his tailored suit and waxed hair. "The money is flowing once more. All debts are being settled."
He releases his breath in relief, which he seems to have held since that morning as well.
Joanna adds: "Although I think he is forever indebted to my Ficus".
I nod.14 -
Spotify premium ad: "Subscribe to Spotify premium and you can skip any number of songs you want. We won't take it personally."
Actually you do!
What I skip and what I listen through tells your machine learning what I like and what not. That's how it builds my listening profile.
So your (software's) opinion of me directly depends on what and how much I skip.
(I expect that skips from people skipping often to have less value than from seldom skippers.)
That sounds like the definition of "taking it personally"!7 -
Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.
"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"
"Uh... look at my beard"
"What"
"Just look at this beard!"
"Uh.... OK"
"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"
"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"
"You don't have to lie"
She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.
"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"
"Yeah"
"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."
She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"
Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."
Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.
Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"
"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"
Joanna: "No I already took care of it"
"How?"
"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"
Me: "I do miss shaving though"68 -
These fucking calendar e-mails. Fuck. Right. Off.
They never display correctly in all clients.
If the meeting is at 1pm, just fucking say that. I don't want to pick through a load of shit only to find that the calendar app lied about UTC.
Just missed a sodding call due to this crap.4 -
#thread
Any Home Assistant fans out there? Got myself a RPi3 a few months ago and got hooked on HA, because of the huge product support and great community. Didn't find any dashboards that I liked so created my own, written in JS, fully customisable and support for most if not all kinds of gadgets. The purpose was to have something easy to use for the whole family, on a wall-mounted tablet. What do you guys think?
Anyways, has anyone done some cool home automations/scripting? Would love to hear about it!77 -
I'm having low motivation these days.. waking up, showering, breakfasting, and already do I want to get back to sleep.. even extra caffeine doesn't seem to help anymore... What's wrong with me? ._.28
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I was thinking today about a certain aspect of running a software startup and then it came to me...
Hank Scorpio, from the Simpsons, was right in his approach.
So many time I have seen people get hired only for the company to get a less-than-optimal performance from them.
But why is this? Of course, it is many factors but one of the major ones is...
Employers seem to lump employees in together and assume that since most developers operate in one way that the new devs should be the same way.
The problem with this seems to be that we are all pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Let's face it, most devs (like most people) are not good, and almost everyone is not living up to their potential because of a lack of understanding of themselves and how they can achieve more.
On top of that, most devs are just employees who will do what you tell them to.
Since those above developers are the norm (Reference Seinfeld "95% of people are undatable") we have to assume that there is a 5% who are exceptional.
The difference between the 5% and the 95% is NOT some built-in superiority but that the 5% has a good idea themselves and an understanding of how to get the most out of them. They set goals and then find the right path to achieve them. They don't coast.
By assuming these developers are the same as the others is REALLY hampering their potential and by doing this the company only hurts itself.
So, that's a lot of talking but what actionable things can be taken away from this?
Hank asks Homer "What is your dream?"
Well, employeers should take the time to identify which of these developers are in the 5%. A problem arises though when the 5% decide it is in their best interest to blend in.
Like when home says his dream is to "Work for you?" Hank shuts him down and wants to get to the truth. He makes Homer comfortable with not only vocalizing but achieving his dreams.
When an employer is looking for their types they should be looking for the following...
1. A real genuine desire to achieve
2. A real plan to get their goals done
3. Critical thinking and self-evaluation
But more importantly, when they identify these types they should be asking questions like...
- How can we help you be more productive?
- Is there anything about our current operating norm that is hindering you?
- How does your productivity workflow look?
3 difficulties arise though…
1. Most hiring managers are incompetent, and quite frankly, everyone thinks they are in the 5% and for those managers who delude themselves into this without putting in the work, they will have an impossible time actually identifying those who are actually good and productive employees.
2. Showing special treatment to these folks may upset the people below.
3. You will hear things you don’t like…
Examples include…
- That new fancy open-office that you got because it was the trendy thing to do, you might hear that this is a huge hinderance.
- These days people seem to treat devs like nomads, “just give him a laptop and a table and he is fine”!. You may hear that this is complete BS. Real achievers may want a dedicated desk with multiple monitors, a desk with drawers etc.
- This WILL cost you money. I know of developers who cannot work without a dedicated whiteboard. Buy them whatever they need.
- They may want BOTH a standing desk and a chair to sit on.
- Etc.
The point is that it seems to me to be a foolish strategy to tailor your entire company to force everyone into the same work habits. Really good employees have the self-awareness to develop their own productive practices and any keeping of them inside a box will NOT help.27 -
Random guy : Well I'm not tracked on the internet, I use private tabs.
Me : Well, I'm not sleeping with your mom, I use condoms10 -
What is the most ridiculous over-the-top "startup" thing you've been the victim of as a developer?
Alternatively, what kind of weird startup luxury would you absolutely love to have at your company?
For me, at various companies I've worked at/visited:
1. Hammocks & fatboy beanbags. Current employer has a "Netflix & Chill" corner with nice couches, and a small gym. I have encountered isolation/flotation tanks at the office of one of our partners... which is cool, but over the top in my opinion.
2. A fully automated aquaponics garden in the lunchroom. Was awesome, until some fish died and started to rot.
3. One hoverboard per employee, at previous employer. I splashed hot chocolate milk in an arc over three desks. A coworker broke his ankle while watching me spill chocolate milk.
4. Daily scrum standup meetings, on socks, in a big bouncy castle. Not kidding. Fucking ridiculous... (but secretly fun). That employer also had spiral slides between all floors, a tiny half-pipe with tiny skateboards, and someone who rode a unicycle way too much. It was a fucking circus. Stuck in the office of a Fintech company.
5. Soldering bench (at my current company), with drawers full of breadboards, servos and electronics components. Completely unrelated to my work, but it was my idea. It's just great to build a simple kits together with another random coworker while brainstorming platform features & refining specs... much better than meetings with bullshit slides.
6. Unlimited energy drink. Developed a serious caffeine habit (15-20 cans a day), and almost got a stomach ulcer. Not beneficial to employee health.
7. I really do love working from home + unlimited holidays. Just being able to honestly say "fuck you guys, I'm gonna get drunk and play games today", and at other times working until 4am and sleeping in the next day, or taking a week to work in a park in Rome... It makes work truly feel like my favorite hobby. Combined with a good sprints and curious/ambitious people, you can easily track productivity anyway.19 -
Most succesful project was around this time last year.
A scary club of privacy haters made a 'webapp' to advise people what to vote for in the national elections.
The tool was really bad in multiple ways. For instance, if two parties would score the same amount of points, one would, at random take second place without conveying this to the user.
Oh and it also collected all the data people entered "for scientific purposes". A very sketchy practice, a non profit, funded by the government and George Soros (I kid you not, illuminatie confirmed ;) ).
The tool had this disclaimer on the bottom, saying this webapp needs cookies to function. So that triggered me to make a copy of the tool that works better and ... offline, and without cookies. You could download a html file and turn of your wifi (for the paranoid ppl among us), use the tool, delete the file. No trace.
It was a little bit of tung and cheek project, a gimick, the original was called stemwijzer, mine was called offline stemwijzer.
It was a one day build and a day after launching I got a call of the original stemwijzer project leader. Demanding to take the thing offline for infringing copyright (yeah sort of was). I tried to explain him why I made this and why privacy for such things should be held in high regard. He basicly told me I was talking shit and did not want to discuss, I told him I don't take stuff offline because of phone calls. I told him to email me a seist and desist.
So that guy prolly had a stressful day (because of the launch of his tool), had a few glasses of wine, and wrote an email. He wrote me I was a pathtic kid and I should do more useful stuff. He wrote that anyone could program a tool like that. And he wrote me I should do him a favour not share this email with my measly amount of twitter followers. Super professional email.
So I did him that favour, I did not share it with my twitter followers, I shared it with one of the largest political blogs in the country.
My tool sort of took of after that. To stop infringing copy right I changed the name and I removed their content from the script and wrote instructions on how to copy and paste in the json content yourself and "make your own tool".
The response was great, people actually emailed me job offers and I think that the current job I have is due to the succes of said project. So be balsy, challenge giants, start riots, it will get you places.2 -
When someone, after explaining it for 10 FUCKING TIMES, still doesn't get that WE ARE NOT HOSTING HIS MOTHERFUCKING SERVER SO WE CAN'T FIX HIS FATHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING EMAIL ISSUES.
FUCKING HELL.13 -
If Programming Languages Were Girls:
Java: Your current girlfriend, you've been going steady for a while now. Things are okay.
Kotlin: The girl Java finds you cheating on, she's just amazing, and you wish you'd met her sooner.
Visual Basic: The girl you accidentally started a relationship with because you didn't know how to say no. But quickly realised your mistake and regretted it.
JavaScript: A childhood friend you occasionally hook up with. But you could never settle for a relationship with them.
Python: A bossy, manipulative girl who quickly turned things sour. But everyone else loves her because of her huge libraries.
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My and a co worker were joking the other day about what programming languages would be like if they were girls. This is what we came up with (Original inspiration: the Distracted Boyfriend meme (Feel free to add your own!)).49 -
"Can you give me an estimate on how long it will take you to fix this bug?"
"That's like asking how long it will take to find my keys."8 -
One of my favorite quotes:
"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine"
Had to apply this liberally at my last job. Even had it posted at my desk for a time.1