python devs are not devs

why do you need numpy and 30 other packages to change some lights on a keyboard

and then the kicker is that it doesn't even work, because it can't find a daemon I guess

this is so fragile
so ridiculous
every time, these math people

DevOps Engineer - Entire position exists primarily because Developers don't want to write YAML files

Simply having a university degree is not a reasob for a bigger salary comapred to a non degree. Its just a school where you learn some of the stuff you need on the job. Therefore if you prove that you know the same it is the same. Same work same salary.

My tip for staying productive: **Don't**

Take a break. Take a few. Have a nap. Take a stroll outside. Enjoy life.

Life's too short. If you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong.

Fuck productivity.

ughh I have to have sex with my hot blonde gf while the toilet bowl is full of the large pieces of shits I dropped in them. How can I get so much shit in my bladder it's insane.

Yes, of course I work with DDD

Desperation Driven Design

figma balls

Billing by hourly rates is like getting paid by lines of code: the worst coders will get the highest scores.

More companies need to clamp down on hard-coding secrets. It’s not difficult to store them somewhere else, and there’s swathes of free tooling to stop you doing it in the first place.

Heck, set up a pre-commit hook. Link it to a shock collar.

I’m new to coding. I decided to pick JavaScript to learn how to code. For a while I was confused as I couldn’t grasp the fact that jQuery wasn’t a language of its own even though multiple people on devRant told me it wasn’t (or was?)
Anyway thanks for baring with me. I’ve decided to drop jQuery. It seems kind of outdated even though a new version of the library was added quite recently.
I’m now delving into ReactJs. Some people say it’s a framework, others say it isn’t. Again one of those confusing debates which is beyond me. Anyways I’m amazed at how easily I can get a basic web page up and running with React. So far I’ve only managed to launch an application using the create-react-app command in the command box. Oh and I’ve also been able to add a button to the html with a counter increment.
Fun times ahead!

That’s me

Shit bathed and stack smashing ass loads of fuck.

I wrote a virtual machine, and just to fuck myself harder, I make the decision of applying some fancy dumbass theories of mine. This translates to a piece of shit modular design that works exactly as intended, but constantly gives me vietnam flashbacks to the horrifying, multiple concurrent instances of my younger mind being incessantly turbo-raped by the dozen object-obsessed pedophiles that I initially studied under.

Now, were they *actual* pedophiles? No, of course not. But I have to make fun of the acronym somehow and that's what came to mind, leaking horse dung all over the walls, floor, curtains and carpets.

Anyway, I feel so smart after this traumatic experience I just have to keep doing it to relive the terror once again. Find me in the corner, laying down in the fetal position, sobbing until the tears build up and drown me in this well of despair, or rather this finely shit painted portrait of a toilet in a lonely and stinking unisex public bathroom stall.

But let me squeeze these fucking tits a little bit harder, because that's my actual day job. That's right. I get PAID for slapping around mammary glands, it's not much but it's an honest living.

So where was I? Ah, yes, absolute degeneration. I'm truly the Max Wright of programming, mostly for smoking crack and having unprotected sex with homeless people, but also for keeping alien life forms in my basement that go out at night to hunt for sweet feline delight.

But as I keep going, I decide I want a language for the machine so I don't have to punch bits by hand all fucking day like an idiot, so alright let's make a small assembler for this shit... oh, right, except it's not small, because gently suckle the bile out the lips of my fucking butthole.

I may redefine a load of shit two months down the line, so I have to make everything perfectly encapsulated and easily fucked with -- which in my licking vomit off the floor of a porn theater travesty of a case means I'm generating half the code and scrambling as hard as I can to glue everything together.

Does it work? Of course it works, I'm Max Wright bitch. I can redefine the ISA all I want, anytime I want without breaking anything because of my pristine crackhead encapsulation. And to credit the scrambled eggs I have for fucking brains, it's not even *that* complex.

The problem is I keep forgetting shit, not how it works, just that it's there. So I forget that I have a virtual machine, and I forget that I have an assembler, and so I spend an entire day trying to figure out how the fuck I'm going to handle a loop inside an unrelated interpreter.

By the time I manage to remind the drooling undead jackass that is this husk that my irredeemably demonic self inhabits, that we can easily solve this by using the tools we've already built, it's so late and we're so tired there's not much we can do. All this time, WASTED.

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Seems like lately...

Look, I get that it's really tricky to assess whether someone is or isn't skilled going solely by their profile.

That's alright.

What isn't center of the cosmic rectum alright with the fucking buttsauce infested state of interviews is that you give me the most far fetched and convoluted nonsense to solve and then put me on a fucking timer.

And since there isn't a human being on the other side, I can't even ask for clarification nor walk them through my reasoning. No, eat shit you cunt juice swallowing mother fucker, anal annhilation on your whole family with a black cock stretching from Zimbabwe to Singapore, we don't care about this "reasoning" you speak of. Fuck that shit! We just hang out here, handing out tricks in the back alley and smoking opium with vietnamese prostitutes, up your fucking ass with reason.

Let me tell you something mister, I'm gonna shove a LITERAL TON of putrid gorilla SHIT down your whore mouth then cum all over your face and tits, let's see how you like THAT.

Cherry on top: by the time I began figuring out where my initial approach was wrong, it was too late. Get that? L'esprit d'escalier, bitch. I began to understand the problem AFTER the timer was up. I could solve it now, except it wouldn't do me any fucking good.

The problem? Locate the topmost 2x2 block inside a matrix whose values fall within a particular range. It's easy! But if you don't explain it properly, I have to sit down re-reading the description and think about what the actual fuck is this cancerous liquid queef that just got forcefully injected into my eyes.

But since I can't spend too much time trying to comperfukenhend this two dollar handjob of a task, which I'd rather swap for teabagging a hairy ass herpes testicle sack, there's rushing in to try and make sense of this shit as I type.

So I'm about 10 minutes down or so already, 35 to go. I finally decipher that I should get the XY coords of each element within the specified range, then we'll walk an array of those coordinates and check for adjacency. Easy! Done, and done.

Another 10 minutes down, all checks in place. TEST. Wait, wat? Where's the output? WHERE. THE FUCK. IS. THE OUTPUT?! BITCH GIMME AN ANSWER. I COUT'D THE RETURN AND CAN SEE THE TERMINAL BUT ITS NOT SHOWING ME ANYTHINGGG?! UUUGHHH FUCKKFKFKFKFKFKFKFUFUFUFFKFK (...)

Alright, we have about 20 minutes left to finish this motorsaw colonoscopy, and I can't see what my code is outputting so I'm walking through the code myself trying to figure out if this will work. Oh, look at that I have to MANUALLY click this fucking misaligned text that says "clear" in order for any new output to register. Lovely, 10/10 web design, I will violate your armpits with an octopus soaked in rabid bear piss.

Mmmh, looks like I got this wrong. Figures. I'm building the array of coordinates sequentially, as a one dimentional list, which is very inconvenient for finding adjacent elements. No problem, let's try and fix that aaaaaand... SHIT IM ALMOST OUT OF TIME.

QUICK LYEB, QUICK!! REMEMBER WHAT FISCELLA TAUGHT YOU, IN BETWEEN MOLESTING YOUR SOUL WITH 16-BIT I/O CONSOLE PROBLEMS, LIKE THAT BITCH SNOWFALL THING YOU HAD TO SOLVE FOR A FRIEND USING TURBO C ON A FUCKING TOASTER IN COMPUTER LAB! RUN MOTHERFUCKER RUN!!!

I'm SWEATING. HEAVILY. I'm STEAMING, NON-EROTICALLY. Less than 10 minutes left. I'm trying to correct the code I have, but I start making MORE dumbfuck mistakes because I'm in a hurry!

5 minutes left. As I hit this point of no return, I realize exactly where my initial reasoning went wrong, and how I could fix it, but I can't because I don't have enough time. Sadface.

So I hastily put together skeleton of the correct implementation, and as the clock is nearly up, I write a comment explaining the bits I can't get to write. Page up, top of file, type "the editor was shit LMAO" and comment it out. SUBMIT.

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Also hi ;>

Client: "When can you deliver this feature, so we can move on?"

Me: "Well, by the end of the week could be feasible."

Client: "Perfect!"

Me at the end of the week: "It is finished."

Client: "Thanks!"
Client proceeds to not use the feature for over 3 months.

Nextjs is good. U just write code and it works

Oh wow Devin. Yay, developers you're screwed

Relentless, thankless routine of coming in every day and everybody hating the software team despite working our ass off to help everybody and fix mistakes that upper management has caused.

Kay! Why people think remote job is less then a onsite job? Excuse me? I also work remotely. Okay I get it that onsite you have to go onsite through bus or blah blah , but your hours are not counting by a tracker and not getting SS every 2 min. My family doesn't understand that I have to be on my laptop for at least 7-8 hours.

Their reaction is :" why the food is not ready?"
" I am doing work"
"So what? You are home!"

And WHY LARAVEL COMPOSER UPDATE IS SO DAMN SLOW

FUCK!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
I have to put my dog down.
FUCK!!!

Two weeks ago this literal statement from client:
I reckon <Your Product> is almost at the point where we can bypass <Competitor Product> altogether, just need <Feature X>

After various much back and forth email, drilling into <Feature X> and asking pointed questions:

At the end of the day because of <Reason Y> I'm going to need <Competitor Product>'s <Feature Z> anyway.

While I appreciate this was necessary, valuable and saved my organisation a great deal of time, it is supremely annoying that it is necessary at all.

95% of of product management seems to be about preventing dolts from being dolts.

just a reminder

if you think your 500 line python script with garbage hardcode values everywhere that brittly functions even for you is going to bring you thousands in subscriptions

fuck you

It sucks when you are unable to work on any new features in forever and mainly spend time updating the existing code base, doing visual designs & documenting the application.

Let me please work on a new feature that the clients will use instead of meaningless busy work

Fuck all the neverending js frontend frameworks. And fuck everybody who worships them

"with that said" is the most overused phrase in meetings.
Not sure if it‘s a just a German thing when we speak English.

Sometimes I wonder if other developers in my team are paid by lines of codes they produce, because I cannot find explanation for shit they write

Lesson learned: if you're going to derive a class in c++, make sure to declare a virtual destructor on the base class!

I just fixed (one of...) the massive memory leaks in my damn project.

Pictured: the strings in a derived class actually getting freed!

How do you type with pairs of characters like () [] <> "" etc.?
Do you type them both, then move the cursor back and type the stuff inside or do you type the first of the pair, then type the stuff inside and then close it with the second of the pair?

I just realized I do both techniques, apparently randomly, which weirds me out.
Also my IDE often places the second character of the pair automatically.

If you study, learn and stay consistent.

Nothing in this world is difficult, and nothing in this world is impossible.

I like whom I'm becoming.