*Now that's what I call a Hacker*

MOTHER OF ALL AUTOMATIONS

This seems a long post. but you will definitely +1 the post after reading this.

xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"

xxx: You're gonna love this

xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".

xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fuckingcoffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens an SSH session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has SSHD up and running) and sends some weird gibberish to it. Looks binary. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those

Credit: http://bit.ly/1jcTuTT

The bash scripts weren't bogus, you can find his scripts on the this github URL:
https://github.com/narkoz/...

I bet every developer has a few "personal" projects you started once, but then abandoned because you started working on your next fun project.

So many unfinished things ;)

My project management skills in action.

question - how many users are on devrant?

So this happened some years ago:

The phone rings and as soon as I pick it up some fast talking sales rep begins his spiel.

"Good afternoon my name is [don't remember, calling him 'jigglybum'] and we have a device that you plug into your phone line and it will allow you to make free international calls over the internet. It's real easy to set up and you can have it on us for the first three months absolutely free, if you could just confirm your address..."

"Don't want it."

"I'm sorry sir but I think you're throwing away a massive opportunity here we're offering you free international calls."

"No you're not. You're offering me a free trial of some sort of VoIP hardware."

"We yes, but it's free for the first three months and..."

"We also don't make international calls."

"That maybe true sir but with this box you could."

"I'm really not interested in your product."

"I don't think you fully understand all the benefits..."

*there's a clicking noise followed by a dial tone for a second and a new voice*

"Hi, I'm the supervisor for 'jigglybum' and I think perhaps he is having difficulty explaining what it is that we are trying to give you here..."

"Listen to me, from what I have understood you are offering to send us a VOIP hardware device that directly connects to our broadband and facilitates international calls, and presumably any calls for that matter on a three month trial which after will presumably have a subscription fee, have I had any difficulty understanding the nature of the device and terms of use?"

"Well, no sir, that's a very accurate description, so if you could just confirm your address for me..."

"NO! As you have just admitted there was no misunderstanding about what your product is or what it does. There seems to be a real misunderstanding on your part on the concept of 'no'. We don't want this product, we don't need the product and if we want to make VOIP calls, we have Skype!"

"Ok sir, goodbye."

This is, to my knowledge the only and only time that a supervisor in a call centre has wanted to talk to ME.

.titanic {
float: none;
}

I think we all agree here... My standing desk wins... 😂

the different between responsive and non-responsive style

"I have 50$ for an e-commerce website"

every Upwork job post

@localhost, my desk. Also where I eat dinner, sometimes with my wife too. As you can see, my old Pro is displaying a perfect visual representation of what is happening to my soul. 😏

How many Web developers are here?

This opening paragraph; "JS and Libraries". You know, Libraries.

What's a reasonable salary for a Junior Web Dev with 3 years experience in London?

PHP
MYSQL
HTML
CSS
Javascript

Thanks

Not really a programming rant but, I'm pretty sure VW engineers and developers purposely do this:

breakImportantCarPart(mileage, importantCarParts){
if(!underWarranty) {
importantCarParts[rand(0,importantCarParts.length]);
} else {
//do nothing
}
}

This recruiter was probably hoping to gain my attention with mystery?

Troll Google

When you +1 a rant with 99 upvotes so the user can receive the devRant squishy ball.

Oh dear

I found a solid solution for clickbaiting!

You just have to:
... [read more]

When using a laptop and coding, do you prefer to use the built-in keyboard or an alternative USB keyboard?

When you can code thousands of lines but is lost of words when trying to communicate to humans how you did it.

Why developers always have +20 tabs opened in there browser, and they continue open more tabs .....?

When new junior front-end tells you he doesn't need to know javascript since he already knows angular.

Is there a synonym for SEO?

As a Java/c# developer I can confirm this..

when the scope of work is vague AF.

A programmer's best friends:
1. Patience.
2. Your favorite search engine.
3. Stack Overflow.

When you are from Italy and you joke with your own monuments.

manager: we need to design an admin system for a veterinary centre

dev: ok, this is it, remember your training

class Dog extends Animal {}