Windows is like a diaper for me! If you dont reinstall it from time to time, it starts to get full of crap.

Doctor : what's your blood group?
Developer : coffee

We are in 2017! :)

It was between me and another guy.

I fucking won!

I GOT THE FUCKING JOB!!

I'll be a junior Linux Support Engineer in a week or so!

OMG OMG YAYAYAYAYAY

My university organised a series of shitty seminars and due to shortage of registration it was going to be made mandatory. Registration was a simple google form without sign in, so i wrote a python script and filled the google form with characters of Game of Thrones , Breaking bad and Narcos series. Now the seminar is cancelled.

I don't understand why so many people fight this war of tabs vs spaces. My colleagues elegantly solved the problem just not using indentation at all

Product: Requires Windows 7 oder better.

So i Installed Linux.

When you're in Hurricane Harvey surrounded by water but you're a developer so client ask if you can still get the Sprint finished. #NoIdiot there's a flood

My stressball went on vacation

Just printed "Hello World", time to put Python on my resume! 😎

Got confused in my excitement... this is where the stickers go, right?

I used to do some freelancing and one of the main clients I worked with had a project they hired me for that used Drupal. I fucking hated it. I thought it was bloated (and slow as fuck), unnecessarily complex, and just all around a horror to work with.

Even though that was many years ago, from other devs I've met, it seems like Drupal never really got much better. One devops guy who worked at the previous company I was at told me about some benchmarks he had done on Drupal in his previous work. The performance results he got were an absolute joke - awful concurrent performance and just a brutally slow CMS.

Needless to say, since that freelance project, I've never used Drupal again and never will.

Fact=!rant

Gf: Hey look, YouTube shows a preview of the video on mouse hover
Me: pornhub did it first
Gf:what?
Me:wut?

We got married and started our relationship at 1.0. After our first argument, we managed to patch things up, so it wouldn't all break down: 1.0.1
Same night, I suggested a sexy new feature, and we worked up a good sweat implementing it together.
I got too excited and released prematurely: 1.1.0
After that, she was a bit cross, but then I suggested a hotfix. She agreed and got right on top of it. After a few minutes she finished and managed a release as well: 1.1.1 😏

THE FUCK!!!!

Some stupid assholes on my company have adquired the idiotic habit to call me to supervise some videoconferences using Skype, Hangouts or other fucking systems that i never heard about. I hate it because is a big fat waste of time.You don't need a engineer to handle your stupid password mismatch, your "why this is so slow? can you fix the internet". Or why the sound is so crappy or why don't you have a better microphone. This are your fucking computers, and your fucking calls. what the next? sending your emails? Wipe your asses? is not my fucking role.

Next time I will put your notebooks inside your assholes. Your crap will be better transmitted for sure.

So I didn't know why I kept seeing rubber ducks on devRant. Apparently, I'm not very good at typing today, either.

The result? I now have to explain why I Googled "rubber dick debugging" at work.

When your boss asks you to debug some crappy legacy code and you need to bring in the heavy artillery

My second job. I've been hired as a research specialist, not a developer, but they found out I could code during the interview.

Boss: hey, so we have our main product line that shares the control panel for all the models, right?
Me: unh, yeah
B: well, we need to know how it works.
M: sorry?
B: yeah, I mean, we should have a manual with all the tech documentation so we know how everything works
M: ...and didn't you handle the tech docs to the developers?
B: uh...no, actually we requests feature to the devs (note: external company) with a phone call, or email...now we need the specs.
Me: omg

...

The other company (which is part of the same group) handles me the source code.
It is a huge, 25k lines of spaghetti written by at least 7 people, one at a time, uncommented.
After a month I produce a 50page doc with how everything works, after actually compiling my resignation letter 3 times.

M: boss, here the docs
B: fine, I'll take a look
15 mins later
B: this is not what we need! You cannot describe those algorithm like this!
( I described the algorithms with their block flow, with a punctual verbal description)
M: umh.. So how do you need it?
B: we need an excel table, with all the entering conditions on the rows and all the exit conditions in columns, and the description of the condition of work in the crossing cells!
M: are you even serious?

That feeling when you put your own server to good use for the first time :)

—_😂_—

Every fkn 3 to 4 days, some random dev shows up in my office really really fkn confused and frustrated about something he doesn't understand - because I have a dark secret.

Sometime, in cold lonely nights, when no one is watching, I write my documentation before the actual code.

Somehow, sometimes documentation without code attached to it makes it to production.

Today someone yelled at me for wasting his time because he wasted 3 hours trying to find the code the documentation belongs to - and demented I stop the practice from now on.

Agh.

Dear sales team please stop promising the customer stuff that doesn't exist within the system and then promising them dates for getting said functionality without discussing it with the product team let alone the development team. Also repeating 'but I promised the customer they'd have it by august' will not make 6 months of development work fit into that time frame!

Push your commits before anyone else, so you don't have to resolve any merge conflicts 😈

Just a joke I found online:

One day I was facing some issue with Outlook and I raised a ticket to get it resolved. I got a call from the Service Desk lady after some time and it went this way:

Lady: Hi I'm calling from service desk, what is the problem?

Me: (I explained the problem).

Lady: Can you please share your screen and give me the control so that I can solve the issue?

Me: (I shared the screen and gave the control. She solved it!!)

Lady: You may close the ticket from your end, the issue is solved.

Me: Thank you very much, I will close the ticket.

I opened her profile in lync and had a look at her profile. The display pic looked small in size. I instantly messaged her Employee ID to my colleague and asked him to have a look at her. He replied "She looks good in some angles".

I tried searching her FB profile with the help of her name, but there were too many results.

I started searching on Linked In instead, I found her profile this time. I was trying to enlarge the profile pic and suddenly a message popped up - it says

"I'll share my better picture with you on your outlook ID but you may please stop sharing your screen??"
😂

Client: how much for a face recognition system?
...
Client: well fuck you that's too expensive, I ll have my nephew do it.

The keyboard, because it allows me to type shit out. I find it extreeeeemely useful.

Sarcasm, because people around the office don't think I'm enough of a dick

I hope my boss dies tonight. I will fuck his wife and fill his grave with soil myself.

An ability to port all Windows games to Linux without performance loss due to bad ports and bad drivers so I won't have to dual boot anymore.

The ability to smack people everywhere around the world the second they think of creating another JS library