Different error is better 👍

Found this sweet floppy at my parents place yesterday.
I dont even know if 1.44MB was alot, average or a little back then.

SELECT finger FROM hand WHERE id = 3;

$Me: *whispers* Do you like it rough baby?

$Her: *moans* uhuh

$Me: *continues whispering* I'm gonna implement a dynamic programming algorithm for you.

$Her: ahhhhhhh yaass *looses control of her body*

Fictional scenario of course I'd never implement shit for nobody who isn't paying.

Studying AVR Assembler in university *cries in binary*

*Builds a web component for a client website*

CLIENT: I don't like it, can I have it a tiny bit over to the right more

ME: Taps the arrow key a few times making it look like I'm doing something.(Which actually does nothing)

Client: 👌Perfect

😂😂😂 Wut 😂😂😂

Thanks but don't tell my boss

When you see your software on thePirateBay

buzzword translations:

"cloud" -> someones computer

"big data" -> lots of somewhat irrelevant data

"ai" -> if if if if if if if if if if if if if else

"algorithm" -> something that works but you don't know why

"secure" -> https://

"cyber security" -> kali linux + black hoodie

"innovation" -> adding something completely irrelevant such as making a poop emoji talk

"blockchain" -> we make lots of backups

"privacy" -> we store your data, we just don't tell you about it

#mindhacks 😎

C: application not working
Me: k. What changed?
C: we didn't make changes
Me: k... *gets a tech team (W) on the phone*
W: Hey, what's broken?
Me: C's application. How do things look?
W: running healthy. I'll check logs.
Me: thanks. *gets tech team (S) on the line*
S: hey, everything clear on our end, will check logs.
Me: thanks *gets tech team (U)*
U: hey! They asked us to deploy their new version today during normal deployment time. Is it acting up?
Me: C, what did you change?
C: nothing major, just how we connect to W and S...
W&S: are you shitting me???
Me: U, will you please roll it back?
C: no! Must stay on this version, you need to fix your side!!
Me: nope. *calls U boss (UG)*
UG: U, you have my permission to roll back, they need to fix. C, if your boss doesn't like it, have them call me.
*rollback fixes problem*

IF I FUCKING ASK YOU WHAT THE FUCK YOU CHANGED, YOU BETTER TELL ME THE TRUTH, OR I WILL STRIP YOUR CODE OFF OUR FUCKING SYSTEMS AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT. MY JOB IS TO HELP YOU AND YOU NEED TO BACK TO FUCK UP AND NOT GET IN THE WAY OF MY JOB OR YOU WON'T HAVE ONE ANYMORE.

How it usually goes:
1. Have an idea
2. Do about 3 of those things:
- sketch out a few diagramms of how it would work
- think of a name and buy the url
- estimate what you would have to buy and what it would cost
- make a project folder
- lean back, imagine life after the idea made you rich and famous
- write about 2% of the required code
3. Get distracted or don't have time to work on thr idea
4. Have new idea, repeat from 1

I don't understand why every non-technical person who comes to do work in my apartment messes up my fucking router.

The cleaning lady - multiple times knocked the antennas partially off. Like fucking clock work. I don't get it, why is the cleaning lady attracted to my router antennas and why does she need to be so hard on them? Whatever.

The most ridiculous episode was today. And it wasn't the cleaning lady. I had a few people here doing some work today and the woman in charge who was here informed me before that they might have to move the furniture "a little."

I come home, and like a bad omen, the plastic parts on BOTH my router antennas are missing. Completely gone. It's just the the wires. Now, the router still works fine in my tiny apartment, but it is a fancy Asus router (I learned the hard way not to buy cheap routers) and I'd like it to not have fucking wires as antennas.

I email the woman (paraphrased):

Me: hey, it seems the antennas got knocked off my router, do you have any idea where they might have went?

Her: Apologies if we didn't put everything back (no shit you didn't, that's why I've had to email you). If we knocked the antennas off the router (fucking "if"???? I literally just told you in my email that they were knocked off) , they are probably somewhere by the window on the floor (they weren't).

And I still haven't found them. Why the fuck do these people seemingly attack my router? I can't figure out what it is about it. You would think people would be more careful around electronics but naaah. Anyway, going to go keep looking for my router antennas.

2010: Thick native clients are the worst, thin clients only. JS is the future!

2014: Thin client dev is hard across devices, native thick clients is the future! Swift all the things

2017: React native, hold my beer

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

So how has coding impacted my life?

I lost 54 kgs. My girlfriend I mean.

But...😭😭😭

oh, it's getting serious

SPSS 101

My apple watch shows the correct time twice a day! 😍
Thanks apple for this new feature.

"Hey, can you help me with our Algorithms & Data Structures task? I tried to tranlate my problem with Google translator but I can not select the option to translate into Java."

I was speechless when a girl actually asked me that

#Love issues....

True ...

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

My code signature

Citizens are advised not to use encryption as decrypting data takes too​ much time and is costly.
Please spread awareness and save money.

Thank you for Cooperating, have a nice day :)

Sometimes we scare to delete old code

I told my girlfriend she was the semicolon to my statements,little did she know I was using Python.

"Stylized"

I look both ways before crossing a one way street because I know about unhandled exception.