Me: 1 is something, 0 is nothing, NULL is the absence of things
JuniorDev: wut
Me: You've got pizza in a box, that's 1. If there's no pizza in the box, that's 0. If there's no pizza and no box, that's NULL.
JuniorDev: OOH so there's no object to reference if I ask for a slice!
Me: *small tear*

Always explain things in terms of pizza. Always.

A group of computer science geeks were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university.
After the lecture, one of the men leaned over and grabbed a woman's breast.
Woman: Hey! That's private OK ?
The man hesitated for a second looking confused.
Man: But I thought we were in the same class.

Schrödinger's

In an application that everyone in production floor used... I made some "improvements"... Next I know I get tons of tickets because is really slow... Like 20 minutes waiting and it doesn't load... I try with my user in their computers and it loads instantly... Puzzled... After trying in many computers my user loads instantly... Oops... I left a if(user = "me") skip all active directory checks 🙄... Made all production floor lose about 3 hours 😆 because I didn't believe 😛

I accidentally started a reindex on a collection that had 14 million records in the middle of the day. Caused an outage in a major portion of our applications for about 3 hours. Worst thing was that once I pressed enter, I realized that it was for the production database, and not the staging database like I intended. I immediately went to go tell the dev ops lead, and he basically said, "whelp, let's just sit back and watch the world burn. Not much we can do about it"

Yeah dude, if I'm wearing my headphones it means "do not disturb"

I wanna watch that one

I have my own secret script hidden in a /batcave dir on the production servers. It fixes everything the other devs usually manage to screw up.
I call it Batman.bat

So I finally got my senior project approved by my school's assistant principal (the one who deals with every student's project) and he said that the three forms of evidence I suggested were not enough. A quick summary of my project: I'm supposed to make a game engine in Java before April of 2017. Every student needs 3 forms of evidence that they did the project so I suggested screenshots of my work, the finished source code, and pictures of me actually working on it. In addition to all of that I would have a ton of documentation and sample projects to test different features of the engine. Well, he doesn't really understand that for a high school student, that's already enough work for a couple of years and thinks I need more evidence. So what does he do?

He requires me to find at least 5 people to test the engine and complete a survey about it. This normally wouldn't be a problem, except I'm a high school student and don't know more than 2 people who are fluent enough in Java to work on a game. And, I have to finish the project before January now to give the people enough time to work with it.

Long story short, I'm not even out of high school and I'm already experiencing the struggles of dealing with non-technical people.

FUCK THIS! FUUUUCKKKKKK THIIIS!... one would be fucking excited and motivated to finish work, but your entire fucking productivity is hanging from the internet connection's dick!!!!.. Fuckin ISP mother fucker! FUCK!... i can't fuckin work under these conditions for fuck's sake! SHIT!

Always Blue!!

lately my IT mantra in the vein of "have you tried turning it off and back on again" has become "did you check the logs for error output"😡

NOTE to all developers of any level: if you want help do your due diligence! Check the logs, try to step debug and at the very least please at least pretend to perform a cursory search

#foreveralone 😓

1996, my colleagues trying to port Chorus microkernel on Cray supercomputer. System crashes every ~5 days with no apparent reason. After weeks of investigation someone notices one of the network cables slightly longer than others ... after ~5 days and speed of light the Cray would miss a clock tick and crashes. Replaced network cable and it works fine!

Don't mess with supercomputers ...

Thinking about getting this as a tattoo on my wrist (without the words), what do you think? Currently 21, will this decision fuck me over somewhere?

Sorry boss... I can't work anymore.

How to hide your important files from people without making Hidden folders
1. Go to Desktop and create a new folder
2. Name the folder Internet Explorer
3. Change the folder icon to Internet Explorer.
4.Done

Once upon a time as a developer for Palm handhelds I wrote an application in C which had to print via a Bluetooth printer.
When connected by wire everything was perfect, switching to BT it kept crashing for weeks without me finding the source of the problem.
Then came the day of my companies summer party. I've been the last guy to sit in front of the PC, investigating my problem, when at about 9 PM my boss came and told me, I should grab something to eat. So I went down, drank three beer and got back to work.
At about 9:45 PM the damn wrong * was replaced by the correct & and everything was fine.

PointerIssuesSolvedByBeer++;

Developer's life

QA trying to break my code

Happy ranter

Near future

colleague: AWS is facing some network issue.

me: But I see you are able to SSH into EC2 instances.

colleague: Well, I am running my nodejs app on 8080 but can't access it over the Internet. Works fine on my laptop though.

me: ec2_prod ~# netstat | grep node
lolol -> 127.0.0.1:8080 node

Turns out it was running on localhost IP. Worked fine on his laptop though.

... I have no words...

When you desperately waiting for upvotes to get those stickers. So you excited over devrant notifications and then somebody commented on your post without an upvote...

I mean that's just mean....

New official devRant web cartoon! Check it out on youtube: https://youtube.com/watch/...

Been a hell of a lot of fun making it, hope you all get a laugh!

Finally closing dozens of stack overflow tabs upon completion of a project

So, in my spare time I run a little helper business that teaches children/teenagers how to program.

Theres a new kid that's been coming for around about a month, and I swear the kid is a programming deity.
He picked programming and more importantly developing remarkably quickly.
Long story short, I paid for him to go to a Hackathon in LA and he now has more business contacts than me.

[person] so, what do game developers do?
[me]

I got called into a "personal development" meeting with the department lead, apparently my vocal and innovative cursing during coding/debugging is disruptive to the entire floor.