I don't know what to chose.

The fact that for three months, I had to design a 16-page catalog, when I have no experience and my job is web development;

The fact that I have to do SEO for the site, but that means for my boss that for a one-page long text, we have to find at least 60 (sixty! ) times the occurrences of the keywords;

The fact that when I finally have something interesting to do, the boss finds that it doesn't go fast enough and decide to drop the project even if making a whole new dynamic stock system with the db we have is something hard and long to do;

The fact that when I come to work five minutes late, my boss is at the verge on screaming on me, even if I come ten minutes early every other day;

The fact that when I'm coding, I need concentration, I don't need the boss to give me the phone to answer customers, stop everything I am doing and explain them what products we are selling;

The fact that I am paid the minimum wage for a trainee, and when there's no coffee anymore, we have to buy some ourselves because "you drink way too much coffee, you understand" (three a day, sorry for wanting to stay awake);

The fact that I have asked for one year how many days of vacation I still had, and the only answer they gave to me yet was: "Oh, we have to ask the accountant". I still don't know how many days I have left;

The fact that the site is made only by trainees since the beginning, so circa 2008, and the code is horrible but "it works, so don't touch it". The admin part is in CodeIgniter, the front in laravel 4.2, there are a lot of useless code but we can't touch it because the boss doesn't think it is worth the time.

I almost made a burn-out last year, my doc saw my state right before and made me stop for a week. I still have to work there 'till end of august, then I will have my diploma and find another company to work with. Now, I check everyday on my calendar.

I came in to work again today...

Had bad depression on Friday and Saturday. Really really really bad. Like planning stupid shit bad. Stupid shit in my life. Whatever...

So my friend says he doesn't feel well unless he uses St. Johns Wort. I used to use it 10 years ago, but kind of forgot about it. It did help. Well now I use risperidone to manage depression with bipolar. I got some wort and took it sunday. Huge difference in 3 hours. Way TOO high response. I already posted about this before.

Today I go see Dr to check if this is okay. I told him I don't want to stop. It seems to have leveled out. He said risperidone with wort can produce mania. However, he said reduce amount of wort to 1 every other day. So it won't have as high of peaks. Cool cool. A solution that doesn't cost an arm and leg. Also a doctor who listens. We had a lot to talk about. I would golf with him if I knew how to golf. Yes, he is that cool.

He told me a funny thing last time I was there. He said you are old enough to need a prostate check, but they do them chemically now. Then he says, but for $20 we can work something else out. Anyway, I like him.

I also noticed before this that caffeine wasn't doing shit for me anymore. But today I had a low kick espresso coffee (1 cup). Wort + risperidone + caffeine is different world now. So I gotta be careful of caffeine now too.

For a long time I was so depressed and didn't realize it. I was hoping I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I don't know how I got to this point. I have great things going for me. So I am making lists of warning signs I experienced when I was very low. Probably going to get some counseling too.

I knew I needed to improve things on some level, but no motivation to do so before this week. I bought a treadmill intending to connect it to my computer and control it. Treadmill has been sitting in a room at my house since january untouched. I keep buying electronics and never setting them up. I don't even know if they work. Just stupid shit like that.

If you are in the shit, then talk to someone. If you don't know you are in the shit then ask someone. If you have to shit all the time you are probably @b2plane.

Seriously people. You are worth the trouble of finding out how to fix your shit.

Anyway ManicOne out.