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My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.2 -
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.2
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Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards? Because they use a strongly typed language.2
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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"
"Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me?" I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It's now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won't say where she got them.7 -
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.2 -
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"1
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Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything?"
"Yeah," reply the bytes.
"Make us a double."2 -
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why. I had to draw my own conclusions.1
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. -
Two C strings walk into a bar.
The bartender asks "What can I get ya?"
The first string says "I'll have a gin and tonic."
The second string thinks for a minute, then says "I'll take a tequila sunriseJF()#$JF(#)$(@J#()$@#())!*FNIN!OBN134ufh1ui34hf9813f8h8384h981h3984h5F!##@"
The first string apologizes, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."1 -
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.5
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.1
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Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.3 -
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!3 -
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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Me and my Jewish friend were eating lunch and I farted. He got mad so I said "cmon man a little gas never killed anyone".14
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.2
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Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.2
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Java and C were telling jokes. It was C's turn, so he writes something on the wall, points to it and says "Do you get the reference?" But Java didn't.7
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Documentation is like sex:
When it's good, it's very good.
When it's bad, it's better than nothing...4 -
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!1
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A programmer puts two glasses on their bedside table before going to sleep. A full one, in case they gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case they don’t.2
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Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships? So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
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Doctor: "I have some news about your baby."
Parents: "Don't tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise."
Doctor: "Oh I get it, you're those type of people. Okay, well IT is not breathing."4 -
"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs."
"OK."
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk."
He never returned.4 -
Am I reposting? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
So, I am going on vacations, don't have any returning plans rn ^~^
Don't miss your dad ಠ_ಠ -
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity. That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!1 -
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."
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Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
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When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there1
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.1
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.3
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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus.
I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
He said "Weird flex, butt okay." -
I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus.
I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
He said "Weird flex, butt okay." -
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing? Just in case you get a hole in one.
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So, I heard this pun about cows, but it’s kinda offensive so I won’t say it. I don’t want there to be any beef between us.8
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"Honey, go to the store and buy some eggs."
"OK."
"Oh and while you're there, get some milk."
He never returned.3 -
Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus.
I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
He said "Weird flex, butt okay." -
A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work. They charged him with emBEEzlement
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If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there? European
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My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.
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Me and my Jewish friend were eating lunch and I farted. He got mad so I said "cmon man a little gas never killed anyone".1
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