If I hear another project manager say, "divide and conquer," imma fuckin' lose it.

As a programmer I never expected to become a detective.

My today's task: Find out the cause of the spikes, fix it!

Started Computer Science class yesterday, but i code like 12 years. My fellow mates mostly never coded in their life. They think its gonna be easy. They think they will have a social life. They think their gonna get sleep.
Those fools.

I do like Windows, it is a quite good OS nowadays, but for FUCK SAKE, what does it take to fix that CLUSTER FUCK that you call search? You don't have enough people MS or what? Just show me the BLOODY ITEMS that actually contain the words that I typed in!!! While you are at it WOULD YOU MIND LEAVING ME THE FUCK ALONE WITH THE FUCKING WEB RESULTS???

Son : Daddy, What are clouds made of?
Programmer Dad : Linux Servers

😂😂😂

The truth is, I don't give two shits if you're a girl, woman, man, black, white, yellow striped with pink polkadots or a transgenderfluid 2headed Ogre kin married to a nuclear penguin from mars- the fact is, what I need you to be is professional. So shut your yapping about your personal shit and get to fecking work.

Teaching management the difference between "hours" and "months"

the oscillation between the urge to do nothing and the urge to do everything

Use MacOS...

The reason for half the web-dev world sufferings is that Microsoft won't stop choking their users with explorer or edge, and half of the client are too dumb or lazy to download a different browser to test stuff. Fuck this shit man! Nothing works the way it should on this bitch.

Everytime my manager says- It should work perfectly on IE because client doesn't have any other browser, I curse IE for exisiting. If you can't improve it, just remove it you freakin' sadists. It'll not be an embarrassment to load something better on your OS. If anything, it'll get people to like you maybe. Like you for accepting your fuckery and making a decision in favor of the web dev world and innocent windows users, who only use your explorer to download other browser asap. For just that one time and for all your arrogance, you're making the whole world suffer.

Just wondering .....

Client asks for a *simple* form in his page. I do the job. He likes it. But turns out what he really wants is a tool to create forms, with editable questions-answers and A/B testing capabilities. FUCK!

Meetings: A great place for people to come together and listen to themselves talk.

Stack Overflow upvotes this. 👍🏻

Job offer: "All employees will be provided Macbooks"

Nope! Just nope.

Let your dev chose their equipment, thank you very much.

If they want a Linux laptop, buy them one. If they want a Windows workstation, give it to them. And if and only if they want a Macbook, give them a Macbook.

I used to work in two companies having the requirement to use a Macbook for two years.

I know its pros. I know its cons. My conclusion for me: Never again!

Why do some non-devs treat professional app development like some kids craft-making hobby that requires zero skill and knowledge or brain?
A friend (with ZERO knowledge about coding) said to me today, teach me, or tell me how to learn this app development, I'll learn it within a month and make my own apps plus do freelance app work in free time, apps fetch plenty of money easily. Blah blah.
Not the first time, other non dev friends have talked in the same way on other instances.
It's insulting and infuriating. I don't even know what to reply.

*happily tapping along on my projects while commuting*

Some random kid appears, overly interested in what I'm writing, so I let him look.

Then he goes *snort* do you know why Java threw c out?

No.

*giggles* because c told Java to stop treating women like and objects.

Well, treating them like primitives is no good either.

*kid walks away*
Then I hear: mom. That man ruined my joke, he said treating women like primitives is no good.

I feel a high amount of self rightiousnes

"Just create a new text column on a table and store the IDs comma separated in it for many-to-many relationships!"

"It's okay as long as it works".

"If it's not broken, don't fix it"

Follow that and you will be blessed with lots of ugly, duct-taped, hacky and unoptimized code -_-

Client: we need extraordinary website in ordinary price.
Me: ohk *google search* WordPress free theme.

Manager: Give me an estimate for this project.
Me: It will take end to end approx two months.
Manager: Can you do it in a day. Make some magic happen. This is high critical for business.
Me: Sure. I have a small requirement from you to achieve it.
Manager: What
Me: Please get me the 'Limitless' capsule.

"Well I don't know what foreign keys are so we won't be using them."

Sigh...

This is how heaven looks?

That feeling when your boss calls you clever not because of your programming skills, but because you fixed a trivial Excel issue for him.

Oh yeah, Just Moved the Code to Production, and this is a long weekend...
It's gonna be exciting. 🤣

Just been handed a specification with the word 'relevant' in it 13 times without relevant ever being defined.

Specific is literally in the word specification

I found the bug 😂

well ain't that something