can society, friends, jobs stop shaming me for having purpose on my life

it's so strange

something I wrote in JavaScript built on top of the exact same API as has been reproduced in rust by a library now

rewrote it in rust but 1/5th the features cuz lazy

has three times the bugs as the original version... like... before my bug fixing

is it rust. is rust the problem

when will my brain become one with rust already

sigh

my tarot says my true self is the hanged man which is pretty cool ngl

looking at jobs I don't have the brains for this anymore I think

that's so sad

I wonder if I do obsessive cardio could I outdo all the "multiple sclerosis" lesions -.-

can't code my way out of a fucking paper bag

had some dude add me on LinkedIn that looks impressive and he's connected to some people I worked with who were impressed with my code before... so years later they must've been still talking about me. but I'm a shadow of my former self if I could even qualify as a fucking shadow. I'm so embarrassed to even be existing that's my level of depression on the matter

electric cars whirring noise so creepy

creeping in my back alley

like some kind of cylon patrolling... they even got the eyes!

rust is just... so unclean. sigh

what's the point of these stupid verbose features if they're incompatible with any sort of adaptability

like I wanna return a retry-after header value but if I do then I have to both rewrite the good result path and the bad result path... with a bunch of map_errs. this feels like java

wisdom is applied knowledge

which means useless facts are not wise. they're not helpful. they're also probably wrong. does your life get better by them? it's like hoarding. you have all this junk but you cannot can't do nothing

and this includes helping loved ones
and we as a society just uphold this as some virtue of the intellectual class. and then wonder why everybody feels alone, social media explodes, everybody is disjointed and fighting from their echo chambers, and nothing works, everybody cons each other as if they're starving animals... it's what we valued

thinking on it in retrospect, all the doctors I've met don't know why people get worse or better in the various conditions they've tried to diagnose me with now (lol, talk about confirmation bias and "hypochondriac" insult they kept giving me)

but they'll sure arrogantly tell you how diet has no medical basis for curing their conditions and other insane garbage

they don't know why people get worse or better, but they'll tell you judgmentally that you should just do what they say... even though they don't know why people get worse or better

they'll make fun of things people try... even though they don't know why people get worse or better. which is wild. if you don't know why don't you admit you don't know, fully? you'll admit it when I ask you questions about your knowledge base. but you don't admit it when it's outside your knowledge base? suddenly you're all knowing and there's no hope there? but you don't know why your own patients are getting worse or better

if they're getting worse and better it means something outside of your strategies are effecting their outcomes. but you will dismiss all strategies outside your own

and have a PhD somehow. like not just medical doctors by this point I've seen. they've got PhD in the medical field and a specialty they contributed to. but they don't know why people get worse or better. but you shouldn't do PhD level research -- it doesn't work, even though we mention nothing about what makes people worse and we don't believe in making people better

I hate vscode so much and I miss atom

I hate all these features that creep in all the time and I have to do goddamned management to turn them off. this shouldn't be my job. stop cluttering my IDE

are you ready for new era?

as corporate hits you with a stick and itemizes all your weaknesses to puppeteer you with them, one gets stressed and burnt out therefore it is the new fad for hip corporate to suggest meditation, yoga, mindfulness, etc stuff

have you encountered any of your co-workers going so hardcore into meditation they started to think they were aliens or gods or something? what's up with that?

ohno I'm rewriting that async proxy swarm thing again

third time's the charm, right?

brain's a bit better so maybe I'll get rid of the weird mystery async hanging error this time...

and this time I'll have one persistence object instead of 4 scripts that all juggle loading the same files without running into each other through sheer wit (which now I'm so unsure of 😭, so fragile!). thanks tui

and there's a logging library called tracing that would let me access logs of innermost libraries if I log using tracing instead of print lines, then I can subscribe to the logs and get them in the tui to debug with them and bam. let's see how it goes. might work well for debugging async code. it's built to handle async logging actually

I'm not sure why a lot of rust libraries are a mess but with power of gp5 writing me demos I'm ticking along even if I run into dead ends... like how I gotta do my own text wrapping in tuis and it won't work with ansi codes. eesh. but that was only a couple hours detour of confusion at least instead of me getting too frustrated with it. I came up with a solution that works good enough and wasn't too fancy, phew

been noticing a pattern with my brain issues that now when I'm trying to manually critically think people keep insulting me and dismissing me by saying I'm overthinking...

maybe that's why nobody critically thinks anymore. just gets hammered out as "yeah nobody wants to hear that"

well I'm sorry I can't have Internet thoughts inside my own head due to the brain damage. it helps me to talk it out. annoying. and you could contribute to the discussion by actually contributing. who are you to say I don't want to be having this thinking?

to contact aliens you have to evolve enough as a species to be psychic which humans are largely not very good at

and the psychically practicing humans don't know about aliens...

this is pretty funny to me rn

the universe is indeed vast and beautiful, even in your own backyard 😝, every time!

best command line / textual UI library in rust

still tons of bugs and useless things, when doing even basic stuff

why is it so lauded I don't know

foreboding

the fact nobody has made techno/trance/psytrance/frankly any music out of solfeggio "healing" frequencies is wild to me

come on people what

classic scale is so boring

ooooh I like GPT5. it's so caaaaalming

ask AI for some sample code cuz lazy

it's busted

come back pointing out the busted

it says I'm close but I fucked up here and here

I DIDNT FUCK UP RAAGHHH

every time. I am getting triggered by inappropriate blame of an AI now. sigh

when humans do it it drives me up the wall. I'm not ok being someone's scapegoat. you can call me lazy but you can't say I made those mistakes. I'm just too lazy to read the docs because they're ridiculous so I want the AI to find the specific use case in the docs for me... siiigh

these drugs make me feel suffering to such a degree I can't really complain about the suffering that is needing to run 3 scripts instead of just having 1 holistic terminal

I would rewrite this mess finally cuz I'm feeling like it but if I sit still I want to scream because of the suffering of sitting still, so

also why the shit did my headless chromium stop working. I hate. works on my machine but not the "server" machine. sigh why. was there some config I need to set up for chrome. I don't even

tmux I love you

urgghhh this old laptop doesn't have a working shift key

also it's sticky. eeeeee

thankfully there's 2 shift keys but talk about awkward

just gotta dump ssh on it and find out if it can run rust or not. God this thing is slow. was top of the line 10 years ago when this business guy bought the best laptop he could find, now somehow barely runs arch. crazy

heh what if you make an ad that does no horror or coercion but makes anyone who sees it buy your product out of compulsive, OCD-like terror

do you think they would care about ads doing subliminal hacking of brains

I feel like this is when mods ban me for not the rules

I find your lack of capitalism to be... disturbing

wow tarot cards have a solution to hobby programming projects

just always stuck in 3 of wands, forever

cuz 5 of wands sucked. so then I started avoiding 4 of wands to never get to 5. and then you just get stuck planning forever at 3.

5 is when communities of people come with their own ideas and cause self doubts in you, override you. 4 is respite/pride/reveling and feeling comfortable in your idea/quest and seeking out a community base to share it with

guess in the end it's always that people suck and nobody can do anything alone. mega lame!

urgh I want someone to help me with my job PTSD by like letting me talk to them as I try to choose one and figure out my neurosis and just do some comforting words or something

but they're thinking of doing it next week when my boyfriend will get his passport next week and I wanna spend 3 weeks with him unemployed just chilling when he finally visits 🥺

skipped my meds yesterday night by accident and just got the best sleep I've had in a month. yeah fuck these things

and they lied to me and told me they were sleeping meds the first time even tho that was unnecessary to be doing and they're not prescribed for sleep

I hate the medical field. that's so fucking gross

downside of being magically healed by people is I don't have the brain to learn magic (maybe it's the drugs honestly...) so I'm ravenously dependent on this guy to do another round so I can gain more brainpower

fucking hell

I don't like dependence

also every time he does this I feel like I've been sutured for 1-3 days. and I gotta be careful and not pull at them. how the hell do you do that with a brain? that's gonna be so fucking bad. "just don't think at 145 iq horsepower" tehe.

AND he says it's experimental. and what the fuck he says he's only this good at healing due to past mistakes... I might end up a vegetable. but I'm already a fucking vegetable. fuck

upside, he fixed my nervous system back to having endurance for emotions and stress so I'm not fucked up from thinking all this. yay some resilience for once after 3 years of hell

one guy thinks I survived a paradoxical collision of time magic. that doesn't make sense why the shit would I have hit a fucking time traveling universe. then he changed his mind thinking failed possession. this makes more sense to me but who the fuck would've wanted to possess me. fucking Christ. and could they not have melted my nervous system having tried to do so. mean as shit.
I still think it was a hex. I think it was a death hex actually.

thanks for coming to the weirdest shit ever Ted episode

my tarot cards basically say good luck, too. nothing happened. you had a bunch of energy, you made a bunch of money, now you can sit at home and think about stuff, effect the world with yourself as you see fit, and either be a judgemental prick or a righteous prick. this is basically a retirement plan.

micortears in brain
guy is repeatedly aghast at the damage and genuinely worried about me every time
lol

modern therapy and psychology is just autistically trying to figure out what the soul wants

zzzzz

have you tried just not murdering it in the first place tho