Joined devRant on 8/29/2022
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Tomorrow is my first day back after the holidays and I am so scared to open my inbox in the morning...2
Manager: Have you fixed the problem?
Dev: What’s the problem?
Manager: We’re not here to discuss problems we’re here to discuss solutions!
I post an answer to StackOverflow for the first time in a few months. INSTANT DOWNVOTE + "CORRECT BUT NOT `LOGICAL ENOUGH`"
thx for coming to my TedTalk5
@Root has a code review.
CR comment: “Why would you do it this way? It’s awful. Clean it up!”
Totally fair. I had copied the legendary dev’s code, and it was ick. Cleaning it was easy and enjoyable. I cleaned the source, too.
CR comment: “Why would you touch this? It’s outside the scope of the ticket. You could get it working without changing all this.”
CR comment: “The interfaces don’t match. Now it’s confusing, and that makes it harder to maintain.”
Writing a Unit test to test the Unit test that's testing your application, because you can never be sure about anything.6
*Builds a web component for a client website*
CLIENT: I don't like it, can I have it a tiny bit over to the right more
ME: Taps the arrow key a few times making it look like I'm doing something.(Which actually does nothing)
😂😂😂 Wut 😂😂😂19
While everyone else is working, I took vacation for the whole December. Turns out, that was a brilliant move!
I stroll 20+km every day in this beautiful, puffy scenery.71
Manager (via phone): You need to setup the CEO with access to the app IMMEDIATELY
Dev: Ok…What’s the occasion?
Manager: There is a big important meeting right now where we go over our achievements for the year and my plan was to have him log in and play around.
Dev: Likely would have been worth mentioning at this mornings standup.
Manager: Don’t be a smart ass. In fact, if you were actually smart you would have given him an account in the first place! So you’re just an ass then, what kind of idiot doesn’t give the CEO an account to an app like this?
Dev: Actually you specifically asked for him to be removed when I added him. “Unnecessary Optics” you said.
Manager: THAT’S BULLSHIT, I NEVER SAID THAT!!
Dev: It’s in our meeting minutes from 2 years ago.
Manager: STOP WRITING THE THINGS I SAY DOWN IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.
Dev: I’ll make a note of that request
Manager: YOU ABSOL—ok looks like he’s waving me back in the room now the account must be working now bye. *click*.
"Are you familiar with uploading your code to Google Drive?"
I left the building at that exact moment.40
My dumb CEO just hired an even dumber CTO. The new CTO asked me the following questions...
1. What is GitHub?
2. What is JSON?
3. What’s an array?
4. What is Get and what is Post?
5. When an iPhone is offline, can it call an API on our server to tell us it’s offline?
6. I know you’ve spent 11 month the writing this backend in PHP but can you change it to Java now?
Dumb CTO: Because it’s better.
Dumb CTO: because it is.
7. I know you’ve started to rewrite this codebase I Java but can you convert it to Node.JS now?
Dumb CTO: Because Facebook uses it.
8. What is MySQL? Why aren’t you using a database instead?
9. What does NULL mean?
Somehow, I doubt that asshole is remotely qualified for the job.
Fakin shyt for brains.182
A group of wolves is called a pack.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of developers is called a merge conflict.26
Have you ever wondered we programmers have so many strong communities.... Stackoverflow, devRant, Reditt, etc...
No other profession has such communities... Why? Why?
Because, we haven't built one for them.... 😂😁59
Do managers not fucking understand that Jira is meant to eliminate all this stupid "What's the status with X?", and "Is Y done yet?" chatter. Our communication channels should be on business logic and other global updates about the company, not about fucking workflow status updates because you have nothing else to do with your day but ping me every 5 minutes.
LOOK AT THE REVIEW COLUMN ON JIRA. I MEAN ITS LITERALLY CALLED REVIEW. SO REVIEW IT AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.
I swear the devs consistently have a better overview on timelines and project status than management does - which is sad, because this is literally the definition of management!!!18
Me: *Generates 20 character password with numbers and symbols*
Website: "Please use a stronger password"
I left a company once. Was there with one colleague and we had this kind of code review habit that we looked at each other changes befor merging them to the deploy branch. On my last day I made a dancing cat dance in front of our app as a tiny joke for him. He instead of reviewing just pulled this time and deployed the new version on the companies dev server without a look. So the fist time the cat showed up was appareantly in the first meeting after I left and everyone went completely crazy because they thought they got hacked.
I think they never found the hidden rock roll in the app.4