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Manager: We need to setup the security in the Mexico server
Dev: You mean that 3rd party firewall add on?
Manager: Yes
Dev: And set up the billing on the Mexico account?
Manager: Yes
Dev: lol, sure thing I’ll create the ticket
Manager: What’s so funny?
Dev: Nothing
Ticket: Build wall and get Mexico to pay for it.14 -
Manager: How come the intern does way more tickets than you?
Dev: Because you told me to only give him the easy ones since he either can’t do them otherwise or takes too long on the hard ones
Manager: Well how is he going to learn if we only give him easy ones?
Dev: That’s what I told you when you orig—
Manager: Assign him ALL of the hard tickets on your board immediately!
*Tickets closed per day drops significantly*
Manager: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG ON THESE TICKETS!!!!!
Dev: …19 -
Manager: This button is too dark, you need to lighten it. Have you no sense of design?
Dev: …
Dev: Hows this for an adjustment?
Manager: Wayyyyy too light now, jesus you need glasses if you think that’s good.
Dev: …
Dev: How about now?
Manager: It’s close, make it just a little more dark. God why does this have to take so long, do I have to hold your hand through this entire process!
Dev: …
Dev: There that good?
Manager: Yes that’s perfect! Send me a PR immediately so I can approve, we need to get this out ASAP, it’s critical!!
Dev: I can’t.
Manager: ????
Dev: There’s no diff, you had me gradually adjust the colour back to exactly what it was originally.
Manager: THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE IT LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME LIKE THIS, I HAVE A MEETING I NEED TO GET OFF TO BUT WE WILL BE HAVING WORDS LATER ABOUT THIS INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR.
Dev: …16 -
Manager: I can’t believe you use Linux, that is such an outdated operating system. You need to get with the times and move to a more modern one like Windows or Mac. Literally NOBODY uses Linux anymore, do you still go to Blockbuster Video too? Ha!
Dev: …
I’m starting to realize that 80% of my job is resisting the urge to punch this guy in the face. Thanks goodness for remote work.35 -
Manager: You really shouldn’t be doing that
Dev: It’s in my job description
Manager: Yeah but you still shouldn’t be doing it.
Dev: Who should I hand it off to?
Manager: We don’t have anyone else to hand off that task to.
Dev: Ok, do I stop doing it?
Manager: 😡 Of course not, it needs to get done! I’m just saying you shouldn’t do it.
Dev: ???????????13 -
Manager: This code you wrote violates the single responsibility principle!!
Dev: How so?
Manager: You have one function that you call in *MULTIPLE* places. That’s too much responsibility for one function! Functions should only have one responsibility!! Creeping the scope of a function beyond that is a TERRIBLE way to write code!
Dev: But why spin up multiple functions that all perform the same thing?
Manager: Well if a function has a bug in it and you use that function multiple places then that bug exists everywhere you use that function. If a function only has one responsibility then if it has a bug that bug will only exist in the single place it is called! You really should think first before asking questions like that.
Dev: …27 -
Manager: Hey what was that that you closed on your screen just now?
Dev: That popup? That’s NVIDIA letting me know that a new driver for my GPU is available.
Manager: Isn’t that for video games?
Dev: I mean that’s the reason many people opt into having a GPU but It’s not the on—
Manager: You are NOT allowed to play video games on your work computer!
Dev: This is my personal computer. It’s just an older GPU I popped onto this computer since otherwise it was just sitting in a drawer. My work computer is out of commission.
Manager: Well where is your work computer? How come you are not using it?
Dev: …Because of that blue screen of death issue we talked about yesterday.
Manager: Ok but that doesn’t give you permission to play VIDEO GAMES on your *WORK* computer.
Dev: …27 -
Recruiter: This is a 100% remote position
Dev: Good! That’s what I’m looking for.
Recruiter: But the company does require you to come into the office “on occasion”
Dev: I live 5 hours away from your office so that would be not a good fit
Recruiter: And once covid is over the ability to work remotely will be getting reconsidered. You’ll likely need to move cities in order to continue your employment with them.
Dev: Yeah I’m looking for 100% remote work
Recruit: This is 100% remote! Just with the need to come into the office sometimes now and potentially more later.
Dev: …15 -
Manager: THE SERVER IS DOWN THE SERVER IS DOWN!!!!
Dev: Ok I’ll look into it
*5 mins later
Dev: Wow these are really strange logs, it’s like config values are being changed all over the place while I’m looking at it
Manager: Well I figured while you were looking into it I’d go i to the server settings and change everything I could find in order to try and get the server back up again. Two sets of hands are better than one, Is it up yet???
Dev: …No.
Manager: I THOUGT YOU SAID YOU’D LOOK INTO THIS. I NEED ANSWERS NOW. WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!?
Dev: …13 -
Manager: You devs are constantly complaining about context switching, if you were on my level you would be able to multitask and switch from task to task without an— hold on I’m getting a text *tap* *tap* *tap tap* *tap* *send noise*
Manager: Right, what were we talking about again?
Dev: …15 -
Manager: Hurry up and login, I don’t have all day
Dev: One sec I have to lookup my password for the system
Manager: How can you not remember your password? Everything requires it these days
Dev: I use a different password for each service.
Manager: Wow you really like to overcomplicate things. Just use the same one for everything like I do, it’s way more efficient!
Dev: …19 -
Manager: Good news everyone, I made a big giant announcement this morning that the app upgrades will be released today!
Dev: They definitely won’t be, we need another 2 weeks minimum. I told you yesterday
Manager: Ok well I already made the announcement that today was the day so too bad for you.
Dev: Doesn’t change the state of things
Manager: 😡 This announcement is supposed to motivate you to work faster! You guys are making me look bad when you don’t support me like this!
Dev: Working as fast as we can, it’s a 2 person dev team for 4 separate applications so it’s quite a bit to get pushed through
Manager: Ok well then stay extra then, we have to get this out asap. Tell your spouses they are not going to be seeing much of you until this work is done. People are starting to ask questions!!!!!
Dev: Not my problem, it’s done when its done. I’m not staying extra.
Manager: !!
// *************
Might be blowing my cover a little but what are they going to do? Fire me? Good luck getting this out without me. They’ve tried to replace me in the past but the cheapest person they could find was 60k more expensive than me and still couldn’t keep up. Probably they’ll ship the work overseas and the code will die in a dumpster fire and cost them even more. Ah well, just another company that doesn’t deserve code.21 -
User: *Clicks on staging environment*
Giant Warning Dialog: YOU ARE CURRENTLY ENTERING THE STAGING ENVIRONMENT
Users: Ok
App: *Completely different colour, I’m talking bright unsightly yellow*
User: Ok
Giant Yellow and Red Flashing Banner at the Top of the Screen: WARNING YOU ARE CURRENTLY USING STAGING, THIS AREA IS FOR TESTING ONLY
User: The production environment sure is acting strange today. It’s a weird colour and I don’t recognize any of the data, it’s all just dummy filler data. I better create a ticket for the dev team to check o—….. no wait I’ll send an email CC everyone including the CEO and sound the alarm production is currently down and filled with giant warning messages.
Manager: OH MY GOD PRODUCTION IS DOWN DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS??? WHAT THE FUCK COULD THESE WARNING MESSAGES BE THAT’S ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ON STAGING! THE CEO IS BREATHING DOWN MY NECK YOU NEED TO GET THIS FIXED IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!
Dev: …14 -
Manager: Why did you clear the data from the database? The client is now specifically requesting it and we don’t have it anymore!
Dev: You told me to.
Manager: Well why did you listen? It’s obvious now that that data was very important and should have been kept!
Dev: Last time you told me to do something that wasn’t a good idea I tried to explain why and told me not to question you ever again and that doing so was “disrespectful” and then threatened to have me fired. So now I just go along with what you say and let you suffer the consequences of not listening.
Manager: Well don’t do that then! It’s obviously not working very well! It’s ok to disagree with me you just have to make sure that what you think is something I agree with!
Dev: …13 -
Manager: Feature C doesn’t work
Dev: We never built feature C
Manager: Nonsense, I remember feature C clearly!
Dev: It’s still in the backlog
Manager: But we had many meetings about it
Dev: Never got put on the board
Manager: Feature C is very important!
Dev: It was never assigned to anyone
Manager: What could possibly be more important than Feature C?
Dev: All the other features you placed on the board and assigned up until now
Manager: Well I need Feature C done asap! It should be top priority!
Dev: Ok then next sprint add feature C to the board and assign it to someone
*Next planning session manager leaves feature C in backlog in favour of other tickets*
*2 days later*
Manager: What is the status of feature C?
Dev: You opted to leave it in the backlog
Manager: BUT IT SHOULD BE TOP PRIORITY!
Dev: …9 -
So because of the sheer number of interviews I’ve been doing I’m starting to get a bit brazen with them since I’ve started to really not give a fuck about most of them and I’ve started to notice patterns in common lines of questioning resulting in this unexpected gem today:
Interviewer: So we always start our devs off on the bottom end of our salary band.
Dev: Either give me the top or I’m not interested.
Interviewer: 😡. But if we start you at the top of the salary band we’ll have nothing to give you later. 🥺.
Dev: No need, I’ll take the money up front. Companies don’t give raises these days anyway, it’s just a carrot to dangle in front of the naive.
Interviewer: 😡. Well if all you care about is money so focussed on money you’ll just leave if a better offer comes around!
Dev: All the more reason to give me the highest number possible to defend against that possibility.
Interviewer: 😡. But there are other devs on the team with similar experience that will be making less than you.
Dev: Sounds like they fell for the negging and guilt tripping you are currently attempting on me in order to save a buck. Salary is not based on your skills or experience anymore, it’s based on your ability to negotiate. Here’s mine.
Interviewer: ………………. I’ll pass you along to the hiring manager.
Dev: ???? wtf
HOW THE FUCK DID THAT ACTUALLY WORK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I WAS TRYING TO GET THEM TO HANG UP FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND NOW I’M LOOKING AT A 20K RAISE ALL BECAUSE I CONTINUALLY TOLD THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES??? THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT IT TAKES TO BE TREATED PROPERLY BY A COMPANY???15 -
Manager: You know you did good this week, take the entire day off tomorrow
Dev: Really?
Manager: Yeah my treat.
Dev: Can you send that to me in an email?
Manager: ….I mean yeah, but I don’t see why that is necessary
*** About halfway through The next day
Manager: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! YOU HAVEN’T COMPLETED A SINGLE TICKET TODAY OR REVIEWED A SINGLE PR OR EVEN SO MUCH AS ATTENDED THE STANDUP. EXPLAIN YOURSELF!
Dev: You said I could take the day off today?
Manager: YEAH BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY TAKE IT OFF!! I WAS GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW DEDICATION TO THE COMPANY BY COMING IN ANYWAY BUT NO YOU THOUGHT YOU’D JUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR GENEROSITY AND HAVE AN ENTIRE DAY TO YOURSELF?! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, THERE ARE URGENT TICKETS ON THE BOARD!
Dev: …16 -
In an effort to deal with the number of “top priority” tickets, management has come up with a new priority level, “urgent”, to help differentiate between tickets that are “top priority” and tickets that are actually “top priority”.
So as you can guess all tickets are now codified as “urgent”.
I’ve suggested management downgrade some tickets back to merely “top priority” as we’re clearly right back where we started with it being difficult to determine which order to do tickets in.
They’ve ignored my request as the bletherings of a clearly unenlightened peon, and have instead came up with a new priority, “mission critical” which will be reserved for the most hallowed of emerg— oh no wait everything is now “mission critical” who would have guessed?
So “Top priority” is the now lowest priority a ticket can have…Naturally.18 -
Dev: Hey our current server is starting to chug a bit. Can I get approved for $1200 additional spend to double the speed?
Manager: *Sharp inhale*. We need this project to cost as little as possible, we really can’t justify spending any additional money for any reason right now.
*2 days later*
Manager: YOU ARE APPROVED FOR $100,000 TO IMMEDIATELY IMPLEMENT SOMETHING RELATED TO NFTs IN ANY OF OUR APPS. THE BUSINESS NEEDS TO EXPAND INTO THE METAVERSE ASAP IMMEDIATELY. I NEED AN ETA BY EOD AS TO WHEN THIS CAN BE ROLLED OUT.
Dev: …16 -
Manager: Have you fixed the problem?
Dev: What’s the problem?
Manager: We’re not here to discuss problems we’re here to discuss solutions!
Dev: …11 -
Dev: *Recieves email from manager with several typos/grammar mistakes asking to open attachment with strange name and click on tinyurl style link*
Dev: *Flags as phishing*
Manager: Hey how come you didn’t action my email?
Dev: That was actually from you?
Manager: Yes.
Dev: …3 -
Manager: So great news, we will also be building a new app this year!!
Dev: We only have 2 devs and we already struggling to maintain/build our current portfolio of applications. I don’t think we have the resources to support another.
Manager: Nonsense, this is a very small project management app that was requested by the CEO himself!
Dev: …We already have MS project, why can’t they just use that?
Manager: The executive team isn’t interested in learning MS Project, it’s way too complicated. They want us to build an internal version of MS Project one feature at a time so they can pick it up over time instead of getting overwhelmed with learning MS Project all at once. It also needs to have loads of customizable automation features so leadership doesn’t ever have to get “in the weeds” having to work with it. It needs to basically run itself!
Dev: …What about this is small?
Manager: Well that is the requirement.
Dev: …18 -
Interviewer: So are you familiar with our company and what we do?
Dev: I looked at your website, looks like you build tools for managing restaurants.
Interviewer: No. That’s not even close.
Dev: ?
Interviewer: What we do is create an ecosystem of integrated data centres all orchestrated for immediate stakeholder utilization.
Dev: But the product itself…. it’s a user interface for tracking inventory. Of like…. burgers…. and bottles of wine.
Interviewer: It’s not a product! It’s a data……habitat!!
Dev: …
Dev: So does that make your users animals?
Interviewer: 😡. Unfortunately it looks like you do not see our vision and would not be a good fit for this role.
Dev: Agreed.28 -
Interviewer: For this next code challenge you will not be allowed to use the internet, or an IDE.
Dev: …
Interviewer: OR a keyboard OR a mouse. I will be verbalizing the code to you and you need to memorize it and tell me where the bugs are.
Dev: …
Interviewer: We must do this exercise to know how you are as a dev without any performance enhancing “aid”. This way we can understand where you are truly at skill-wise, and what you are truly worth from a compensation perspective.
Dev: …
Dev: If I get a job with you will I be allowed to use the internet and an IDE and a keyboard/mouse?
Interview: Of course you would! Getting anything done without those is just about impossible. We just need to evaluate you without them to see how good you REALLY are.
Dev: …20 -
Dev: I think we should send Dev2 for some training and certification
Manager: We do not train people or have them certified. When you train people and especially if you have them certified they always leave the company for better offers so we no longer do that.
Dev: So the plan is to have a the company operated by a bunch of untrained uncertified people?
Manager: 😡 You are being disrespectful again20 -
Dev: Why did you suddenly start adding random whitespace to the end of all of the files in your PRs?
Manager: IT’S NOT RANDOM!
Dev: ?
Manager: That’s a way I came up with for tracking my contributions. Every time I edit a file I add a line of whitespace at the bottom so it’s clear to everyone how much and how often I’ve contributed to the team. Although I haven’t been doing it this entire time so I had to make up for this by adding more to files that I *know* I’ve touched a bunch before. Just think! Especially with how big my PRs are compared to everyone else the tally of my contributions is going to get huge!
Dev: …20 -
Interviewer: Do you know what Kubernetes is?
Dev: Yeah, that’s the greek god of spending money in the cloud.
Interviewer: Actually Kubernetes is an orchestration tool. Have you not been on a project that uses it yet?
Dev: …9 -
Dev: So we’ve been working on X for about 2 weeks now, it’s about halfway do—
Manager: Btw what is the status of X?
Dev: I was just telling you
Manager: Oh, I wasn’t listening.
Dev: …
Dev: So as I was saying, we’re ab—
Manager: Oh and where are we at with Y?
Dev: …10 -
Manager: Everyone will be required to switch to Mac in the next couple of months.
Dev: Um, why?
Manager: Macs are more professional and developer focused than windows machines, I read it in an article. Plus they look way nicer.
Dev: Half of the applications we use don’t have a version that works on iOS.
Manager: What? How do you know?
Dev: I have a Mac for occasionally doing some work on the iOS app we support. I ran into that when I was setting it up as a development environment.
Manager: You have a Mac?
Dev: Yes
Manager: Why? How come you don’t use it for development?
Dev: …17 -
Just got this little stinker added to my board this morning….
Ticket Title: Weird shit going on in app
Ticket Description: (blank)
Attachment: <Screenshot of app logo>
Manager: Well what do you think is causing it?
Dev: Causing what?? This ticket doesn’t describe anything at all
Manager: Well it’s a bunch of different things! The ticket is just a high level summary. Now how long do you think it’ll take to fix?
Dev: …16 -
Manager: I’m so sick and tired of you devs whining about technical debt and how it’s slowing down our progress, so here’s the deal. You have until the end of this week to eliminate all technical debt in the codebase. After that I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TECHNICAL DEBT EVER AGAIN!!!
Dev: …16 -
User: There’s a bug in the app
Dev: How do I reproduce it?
User: I don’t want it reproduced, I want it fixed!
Dev: …7 -
Manager (via phone): You need to setup the CEO with access to the app IMMEDIATELY
Dev: Ok…What’s the occasion?
Manager: There is a big important meeting right now where we go over our achievements for the year and my plan was to have him log in and play around.
Dev: Likely would have been worth mentioning at this mornings standup.
Manager: Don’t be a smart ass. In fact, if you were actually smart you would have given him an account in the first place! So you’re just an ass then, what kind of idiot doesn’t give the CEO an account to an app like this?
Dev: Actually you specifically asked for him to be removed when I added him. “Unnecessary Optics” you said.
Manager: THAT’S BULLSHIT, I NEVER SAID THAT!!
Dev: It’s in our meeting minutes from 2 years ago.
Manager: STOP WRITING THE THINGS I SAY DOWN IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.
Dev: I’ll make a note of that request
Manager: YOU ABSOL—ok looks like he’s waving me back in the room now the account must be working now bye. *click*.
Dev: Moron.9 -
Dev: What do you think of the new version of the app?
Client: It’s great! We just have a couple notes of feedback we are working on compiling. We should have those to you by next week.
*Next week*
Client: We need another week to compile all of this feed back we are generating
*Another week goes by*
Client: Still working on it, it’s going to be a really thorough review when you get it though. No stone will be left unturned!
*2 weeks later*
Client: Here it is!
Attached: A word document with a single line of text “can’t nobody log in” next to a picture of the login screen with a red circle drawn around the login button
Client: Can you hurry up and action our feedback? We want to go live next week
Dev: …9 -
Interviewer: Hello I’m calling for your phone interview now
Dev: You’re about an hour early calling but I can accommodate
Interviewer: Well it’s more convenient for me to do it now
Dev: …Alrighty then.
Interviewer: So I am from HR 😇*pause for effect*
Dev: …
Interviewer: Um, typically candidates start the interview by thanking me for consideration for this role.
Dev: Your job description was very vague so I don’t really know what I would be thanking you for.
Interviewer: 😡. It’s me that’ll be determining whether or not to pass you on to The Management.
Dev: …The Management?
Interviewer: Yes 🤗.
Dev: I’m no longer interested *click*.13 -
Manager: We do not identify as a tech company so don’t expect tech company salary increases this year
Dev: Well don’t expect me to bring a tech work ethic then
Manager: !!5 -
Manager: What’s taking so long on that PR?? It’s just some small styling adjustments
Dev: No it’s not you added an entire new calendar module that doesn’t work
Manager: Ok but besides that it’s just a small couple of css edits
Dev: You made styling changes in 50 files, half of which break our mobile responsiveness
Manager: Well then STOP talking to me and FIX IT if you’re so smart.
Dev: You also added a series of filters on a table in this same PR that cause th—
Manager: OK SO I GOT A BIT DISTRACTED THE FACT IS IT ALL NEEDS TO GET DONE SO IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S ALL ON ONE PR SPLITTING THINGS UP INTO SMALL UPDATES IS JUST UNNECESSARY BUREAUCRACY AND IF YOU LIKE THAT THEN GO. WORK. FOR. THE GOVERNMENT!!!
Dev: …10 -
Job Ad: You will report to leadership stakeholders on key progress initiatives and collaborate on business value add action objectives.
Translation: Have boss. Do task.3 -
Manager: You can’t define an async function without using await.
Dev: Yes you can.
Manager: Well you shouldn’t, there’s no point!
Dev: Yes there is. It can turn blocking synchronous logic into work performed concurrently. In this case the perform—
Manager: It’s called async *await*. Async *AWAIT*! Did you hear the two parts to that? You shouldn’t ever have one without the other. THEY GO TOGETHER. Worrying about concurrency is for people who use callbacks which just goes to show how out of date your skills are. I’m reading a book on javascript and there are so many advanced techniques out there that I haven’t even seen you use ONCE!
Dev: …
*I looked at the book he’s reading, it’s from the < ES6 era… no wonder he doesn’t see me using any of those archaic patterns/hacks/workarounds…*13 -
Recruiter: So you’re in Canada?
Dev: One sec let me check
*Points webcam out window at ongoing blizzard*
Dev: Yup, that looks like Canada to me
Recruiter: Ok I am just confirming
Dev: Me too8 -
Manager: How come the push to prod didn’t happen?
Dev: We told you at the scrum yesterday. To reiterate, our dev environment was crashing so it’s not safe to push to prod until that is fixed.
Manager: Ok well lets set a goal to fix that and push to prod happens today so that it guaranteed happens.
Dev: That was our goal yesterday and it definitely didn’t happen.
Manager: I AM AWARE OF THAT. The corrective action is that this time compliance with the goal is 100% ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY!!
Dev: We’ll do our best, can’t guarantee anything until we figure out what the nature of what is occurring on dev though.
Manager: NO. I AM THE BOSS. YOU WILL 100% ABSOLUTELY COMPLY WITH THIS. THAT IS AN ORDER. YOU WILL SUCCESSFULLY GET THIS UPDATE OUT TO PROD TODAY. ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT SHALL BE CONSIDERED INSUBORDINATION. I WANT STATUS UPDATES EVERY 15 MINUTES ON WHERE WE ARE AT WITH THIS.
Dev: …
Dev: Can I get you to send me that request in an email?
*Manager leaves the meeting*
// *****************************
Job search is ticking along. It’s tough going though because I currently make ~120k and the best offers I’ve received so far are all ~70k because “You only have 2 years experience so you couldn’t possibly have the skills to be worth 120k. You are are junior level developer and 70K is already overpaying for you. We can pay you more later™. No we will not give you that in writing”. Ah well, the hunt continues.17 -
Dev: * In the middle of pushing to prod *
Manager: Hey btw I forgot to mention the client asked for these 5 features awhile back as a part of this update and they just reminded me about them, I haven’t created tickets yet or told anyone about this. Will these features be included in the update that’s going out today?
Dev: …9 -
Dev: Why do you have an identical if statement right below this one?
Manager: Because I want the code to double check, obviously.
Dev: …22 -
Every 2 months without fail:
Manager: I don’t understand what the point of writing tests is. They only ever pass and when they fail we just fix them so they pass again! It’s completely redundant!!! An exercise in absolute futility!
Dev: …19 -
Medium Article Title: How to Optimize Your Use of the Terminal
Dev: Oh goody.
Article Content: The terminal is a cli that devs use in order to work at their jobs. It is a very important tool in which… (continued)
Dev: …
WHO IS THIS ARTICLE FOR?? PEOPLE WHO WANT TO GET BETTER AT THE TERMINAL BUT HAVE NO IDEA WTF A TERMINAL IS?
This isn’t high school english class, you can skip the circle jerk introduction.13 -
Manager: In ALL cases if someone uses vanilla javascript to do something instead of a library then that is a sign they are an ABSOLUTE BEGINNER!!!
Dev: …12 -
> In office for first time in awhile
> Run into group of 4 people I don’t recognize in far cubicle corning laughing in hushed voices eating of an impressive spread of food
> See me and immediately look at each other with panicked expressions
> Confused, I put my hands up to indicate I come in peace
> They relax a little and say they thought I was from HR since they didn’t recognize me
> Ask why HR seeing them would be such a big deal
> They say their potluck is not “sanctioned”
> …?
So apparently HR just could resist ruining one of the only good things about coming into the office and one of the coolest things about the company’s culture. At least once a month there would be a giant potluck where everyone would bring some home cooked dish and share it. I can’t tell you how amazing these are in Canada, 50+ plates of authentic food from all over the world.
Unfortunately HR didn’t agree as 1. They didn’t cook so felt bad taking food. 2. Nobody asked them permission to put on these events they just happened organically. 3. Some people were bringing in food that they felt was culturally inappropriate (ie. caucasian guy bringing in homemade sushi).
HR recently banned all “unsanctioned” potlucks and all future potlucks needed to be approved through them with the following stipulations. 1. You could participate without bringing something by donating to HR $10 2. If you brought something you still had to give HR $10. 3. Things you brought in had to be approved by HR
Naturally the first and only potluck under these rules only 4 people brought something in as many couldn’t get their dishes approved because HR didn’t like what they were planning to bring (started out as being because culture and turned into HR just being picky), most just brought $10 so there wasn’t enough food to go around and so after HR took a giant group photo to post on the company’s social media accounts to show off how good the company’s culture is most everyone had to go out for lunch. HR sent out an email later that day exclaiming what a huge success for charity and the company brand the potluck was and they can’t wait for the next one. (I have the HR communications email marked as spam so I never saw the email). Nobody ever organized a sanctioned potluck after that.
However people still missed cooking and sharing their favourite recipes with one another so potlucks still occur but they are now very small, secret, invite-only, hush-hush affairs.
…What in the ever loving fuck22 -
HR: Hey you really need to be more sensitive with what you say
Dev: What makes you bring this up?
HR: Well we had a concerned employee overhear you telling one of the interns that the Russian word for “approved” is “blyat”.
Dev: Ah.20 -
Manager: In order to increase business resiliency we will be doing cross training this week.
Dev: What does that involve?
Manager: Everyone will do everyone else’s job for one day each. After this you will all be considered trained so that if anyone can easily fill in for anyone else.
Dev: …9 -
Interviewer: Hello my name is Alyssa from Sheeple and my pronouns are she/her
Dev: Oh yeah I saw that in your email
Interviewer: Ok well I am just letting you know they are still the same
Dev: Thanks for that.
Interviewer: What are your pronouns?
Dev: div/span
Interviewer: Sorry?
Dev: he/him
Interviewer: Oh…ok. Let me know if that changes.
Dev: I promise you it won’t
Interviewer: Well you never know!
Dev: …48 -
Oh boy, the startup managers are writing a roadmap today. Can't wait.
5 mIlLiOn DaIlY aCtIvE uSeRs By EnD oF Q1! (2022!!!)
1 MiLlIoN dAiLy ReVeNuE bY tOmOrRoW!
zErO bUgS aNd KnOwN iSsUeS iN sYsTeM bY 5Pm ToDaY!
tHoUsAnDs Of NeW cUsToMeRs WiThIn ThE nExT hOuR!6 -
Interviewer: We keep having devs take off for other opportunities after a short period of time. We need someone loyal who will be sticking around for the long haul. Oh wait, you only have one dev company you’ve worked for on your resume? Yeah that’s not good, we only hire devs who have worked for lots and lots of companies.
Dev: …9 -
**at daily standup
Dev: and along with a push to production that is what I’ll be doing today
Manager: Good good, alright, nice….. ok who else hasn’t gone yet? Dev how about you go next
Dev: …I literally just went
Manager: What? Well what did you say then? Hey when is that push to prod happening? I feel like there should be one happening sometime soon.
Dev: …8 -
Dev: We need a better name than “Data” for this class. It’s used for displaying a set of tiles with certain coordinates so maybe TileMap would be a bit more declarative?
Manager: No I don’t like that. Data is perfectly fine, this class is for managing data so it’s perfectly declarative you just need to get better at reading code. If you have to change it then DataObject or DataObjectClass might be a bit more specific.
Dev: …15 -
Manager: I just created a new ticket! The website flashes when you reload it!
Dev: Yes, that's typically what happens when you reload a website.
Manager: ...
Dev: ...5 -
Manager: We should do X with the database
Dev: That will cause issue Y
Manager: But I read an article that said that issue Y wasn’t a problem
Dev: It did?
Manager: Well it didn’t mention issue Y
Dev: …2 -
Company: We were able to save a couple of dollars by purchasing an entire fleet of ipads instead of iphones through our supplier!
Dev: Our users walk around an industrial facility carrying things all day, how will they carry these devices now that they no longer fit in their pockets.
Company: We can get them backpacks!
Dev: …
Dev: did you at least buy protective cases for them?
Company: We have to save money! Don’t worry we told the users not to drop them. Plus none of the old iphones were ever broken so this is a non-issue.
Dev: The iPhones are in cases, they drop them quite a bit.
Company: Oh, well they shouldn’t be doing that!
** They proceeded to buy the cheapest knockoff cases I’ve ever seen. At least one ipad is smashed a week now, backpacks aren’t used because of lack on convenience. All this in the name of seeming to shave off a couple bucks for a one time purchase that didn’t even need to be made, iphones were working perfectly fine. Meanwhile there are glaring issues at the company getting ignored because they get themselves continually distracted by unhelpful pet projects that address things that are not broken and often make them worse.8 -
Manager: How’s the progress coming along?
Dev: The section of code I’m working with is one of the more difficult ones so it’s a little slow
Manager: Ok well I didn’t write that section of the code
Dev: I’m not saying you did I’m just giving you the status update that you asked for
Manager: Ok well I can’t really do anything about that so how about you tell me something I can do something about instead of just complaining about code THAT I DIDN’T EVEN WRITE!! *Marks self as offline*
Dev: …10 -
Manager: Hey Dev I need to do QA on this PR.
Dev: That PR is not finished yet
Manager: Well do QA now anyway, that way when it is finished it can be merged in right away since QA has already been done on it. It’s a project management technique called “fast-tracking” and it improves efficiency.
Dev: …9 -
Manager: I don’t understand! How come you take twice as long to do tickets as anyone else but your PRs are stuck in QA for half the time as anyone else??
Dev: …8 -
Interviewer: Here is the interview challenge. Tell me what the expected output is. You have 5 minutes.
** 100 line class with 4 async methods that contain if/thens nested 4 layers deep that call each other and log things to the console
Dev: Ok wow this is a bit of a maze to work through but I’ll try my best.
** 1 minute later of reading through the code
Interviewer: One minute has elapsed. There is now 4 minutes remaining.
Dev: Actually could you please not interject with time updates like that while I’m reading code? It makes the challenge harder than necessary. Just letting me know when the time is up would be fine.
Interviewer: Ok.
** ~2 minutes later trying to comb through this spaghetti mess
Interviewer: What do you think are you getting close to figuring it out?
Dev: …5 -
Manager: "We can't have new releases breaking older versions of the mobile app!!!!! We'll lose all our customers!!!!"
fullStackChris: "That's fine, we can do API versioning, but it will take some time to implement, I'll have to be quite careful and write some tests to implement it. Probably 2-3 weeks..."
Manager: "NO WAY, THAT TIME ESTIMATE IS WAY TOO LONG, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!!!"
fullStackChris: "So how do you wanna support multiple versions of the app without doing any sort of versioning?"
Manager: "...we'll think of something!"
Dev: "..."
And with 99% certainty, I expect to hear this in a week or two:
Manager: "fullStackChris, we'd like to introduce you to the highly technical concept, API versioning. It's a way to version the API so we can support multiple versions of the application our customers use! It's amazing! Please implement this immediately so we can support multiple versions of the application!"
Sigh... each day managers learn a bit more how physical reality works... you can't have your cake and eat it too.7 -
“Competitive pay”
Translation: We are so embarrassed about how fucking little we are offering we can’t even bare to say it out loud. Maybe after 7 rounds of interviews when we feel a little more like friends we’ll be willing to let you know but only if you promise not to tell anyone.
—-
I’ve noticed literally every company with *actually* competitive pay will tell you RIGHT OFF THE BAT what that range is because they are PROUD OF IT.
Anyone who doesn’t? Well you fill in the blanks.9 -
Manager: We will be building a new app. THIS TIME EVERYTHING MUST BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, ANYTHING LESS THAN TOP QUALITY WORK WILL BE REJECTED!!
*Not even 2 days into the new project*
Manager: Ok that’s good enough, we can fix it later. Can you go quicker on the next feature? Just sacrifice a bit of quality so we get these tickets closed as fast as possible. I said we can fix it later. Getting tickets closed asap is top priority.
Dev: …3 -
Interviewer: Time limit for this exercise was an hour and you took 2 hours so you fail. Best of luck next time
Dev: Look I really don’t think your assessment has a very fair time limit. The only way you could do this in an hour is by knowing what the problem was beforehand and having all these niche utilities written ahead of time.
Interview: Oh yeah we had one guy that did that, he did the entire thing in only 45 minutes! We hired him immediately!
Dev: …6 -
Reddit: Every developer eventually either goes insane or becomes a farmer.
Dev: …I hope I become a farmer19 -
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:
What do you code, anyway?
Pvt. Cowboy:
SIR, JAVA, SIR!
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:
JAVA? Holy dogshit! Only steers and queers code in Java!! And you don't much look like a steer to me so that kind of narrows it down. Do you suck dick?
Pvt. Cowboy:
SIR, NO, SIR!
Gunnery Sgt. Hartman:
I BET YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY WHO'D WRITE LEGACY CODE AND NOT HAVE THE COMMON COURTESY TO WRITE ANY COMMENTS.
8 -
Manager logic: Adding "somehow" to the front of the JIRA title for the JIRA description is super clear and helpful.
Example:
Title: Chat screen doesn't work
Description: Somehow chat screen doesn't work7 -
Manager: You know you really shouldn’t pay off your mortgage faster than you absolutely have to. It’s the cheapest money you’ll ever get!
Dev: I’d rather work towards being debt free. Besides my RRSP (401k) is already maxed out
Manager: RRSPs are a scam! TFSAs (Roth IRAs) are way better
Dev: My TFSA is maxed out too
Manager: 😡 You still shouldn’t pay off your mortgage!
Dev: …16 -
Dev: (Watches user print out screenshot of maintenance app to do list, walk across facility to printer. walk across facility to equipment and check things off on paper, then walk across facility back to their terminal and copy the findings over.)
Dev: We made the app responsive so they could do that on a mobile device. Why are they printing?
Manager: Printers are cheaper than getting more tablets.
Dev: …
Dev: Can we at least get a printer at each terminal so they don’t waste so much time walking across the facility?
Manager: That’s too many printers to maintain. It’s easier to just have one.
Dev: …8 -
Ah the day before launch of a new app. And right on schedule the businesses is attempting to completely alter their requirements including a COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE DATABASE MODEL TO ADDRESS AN ISSUE THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN FIXED. I wish they would share the drugs they are clearly on so I could also live in this dreamland delusion where you can turn something completely on its head right on the finish line and expect everything to go well.
Manager: Hey I think I have a solution to that performance we talked about last week
Dev: I already fixed it, it only takes 1 second instead of 30 now.
Manager: Ok but I’ve also figured out a solution. If we completely change the entire database model that one query could potentially be even faster according to my understanding of how databases operate.
Dev: I fixed it without the need for that, actually it was just a matter of better conc—
Manager: I think we should go with MY solution. Drop everything and restructure the database immediately! Be quick, as you know we launch this application tomorrow! Have an extra coffee today and just crush it out, don’t overthink this either just do it.
Dev: …11 -
???: Salesforce is simply the best. You can do anything you can dream of with it. It can solve all of your pro—
Dev: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.11 -
Dev: What are the requirements?
Client: I want to make my boss happy so that I get lots of money and promotions.
Dev: What does your boss want?
Client: He wants to be happy
Dev: …
Client: Also I don’t want to expend any effort or resources to achieve this
Dev: …4 -
Recruiter: Hello I’m recruiting for an exciting opportunity at a rapidly growing company with loads of potential
Dev: *Looks up company on google*
Dev: Their stock has been declining for the past 2 years. 3 months ago their valuation just dropped by 80%…. How are they growing?
Recruiter: Oh that happened to every company at the end of 2021.
Dev: …I guarantee you it did not.
Recruiter: …
Dev: …6 -
I built our slack bot messages so that they are prefixed in BIG LETTERS with whatever system they originate from, i.e.:
"DEVELOP: You are a useless product manager"
"STAGING: You are a useless product manager"
"PRODUCTION: You are a useless product manager"
One of these is when a payment is made on our platform. Our lovely product manager proceeds to message me, "did you just trigger a payment in the test system?".
YES, OBVIOUSLY I DID SEEING AS THE MESSAGE HAS THE GIANT WORD "STAGING" IN FRONT OF IT!!!
https://lmgtfy.app/?q=how+to+read1 -
Talent Acquisition/HR: 🤪
Dev: 🤪
Technical Interviewer: 🧐
Dev: 🧐
Hiring Manager: 🤡
Dev: 🤡
This strategy has yielded some dishearteningly successful job application results this week.6 -
Dev: I need you to do X
IT: Ok we will do Y
Dev: I don’t want Y I want X
IT: Well you’ll need to go through the change request process then since you have just modified your requirements.
Dev: …6 -
Manager: Dev, you will submit to my leadership and surrender all common sense to agree with what I say or face consequences.
Dev: Manager, Fuck you!2 -
Meeting with CEO went well I heard. Only thing he didn’t like that there was no permission level “worthy of leadership” (GUI options are view-only/worker/admin/super).
Keeping the existence of the the secret “god” permission to myself I proceeded to create the “executive authority” permission, which is an alias…
…for view-only. 🖕😘🖕5 -
Dev2: Do you get 49 errors in the console when you try to compile?
Dev1: (Getting 52 errors) No. Must be an issue with your machine.2 -
*During a walk around to check on the users*
Dev: *Watching worker laboriously dragging pallet jack with one wobbly wheel and another wheel practically seized*
Dev: Hey that looks broken, can’t you swap it out in the maintenance building?
Worker: If you do that management will give you one that’s worse.
Dev: …This fucking company
** Worker later threw out his back, company’s corrective action was to send out notice reminding employees to stretch before doing physical tasks19 -
Client: Too many of our business processes take place on excel and paper! We need to modernize our business processes. Build an app that can do the main things we do with excel and paper in app form.
Dev (4 months later): Here it is
Client: Ok some of our users want to still use excel and paper so build the ability to print the app and export/import to excel so they can continue working the way they always have alongside our new app.
Dev: …6 -
How to psych-out a machine learning algorithm:
> Use a platform for 10 years
> Never like, comment, or give it any inkling of your preferences
> Like one random video
> Never log in again10 -
Manager’s PR Description: I made changes relating to a ticket which should work as expected. I also made various other changes as I saw fit, test whatever else I changed too.
Dev: …2 -
Company Motto: “Business is simple, hire amazing people and let then do their thing”
Company Culture: You can’t do that!! It’s really hard and expensive to hire people with those skills! How would we replace you or save money by continuing to not give you a raise if you did that!?1 -
Management: Our internal app must be 100% rigid so that we users follow predefined process flows exactly so no mistakes are made while also being 100% flexible so that users are free to go about their business in whatever way they feel is appropriate for their own unique needs. These are the requirements!
Dev: …7 -
Submitted a ticket to the 3rd party IT provider today. Just like they always do they close the ticket instantly saying they did the work when they didn’t do anything.
Except this time they went one step further. They documented that they had a conversation with me and that they convinced me that I didn’t need the work done.
No such conversation occurred. I have not changed my mind nor have been given any reason to. They just want their ticket times to appear as fast as possible and are willing to lie through their teeth to achieve that.
Prepare for a shit storm motherfuckers.2 -
I love job posts made by HR cronies:
"A majority of your time will be enabling development in our React Native app with a large amount of time dedicated to the rest of our stack."
So, if my math is correct... a majority is greater than 50%... but... "a large amount of time" meaning the rest?
Another job post asking for the typical 10x dev
BuT wHy CaNt We FiNd AnYoNe?!?!?! ThErEs NoT eNoUgH gOoD heLP tHeSe DaYs!!!2 -
Client: We are completely unable to plan a construction project successfully. We want you to use AI to do all of our project planning for us. Our requirements are that instead of needing to spend any money or time planning we just want to press a button and have a computer instantly put together all of our project plans for us. The program also needs to identify optimizations on it’s own and change all related plans enterprise-wide. All copies of the plans should be able to be kept up to date at all times so we’re never looking at an old plan again. We also want the ability to print.
Dev: …11 -
Hey, all you shitty devs who give my Udemy courses 1 or 2 stars with no comment or feedback
FUCK YOU!!!!12 -
Must be great to be a giant fucking dumbass company raking in more than enough money, that you can't add 40-50 more characters on why your API doesn't like our call.
"Here's an API call with 3 different ways to make a call, we will show you an example for only the easiest method, AND if you get the more complex ways wrong, we'll just respond with an error code 422 with the error message "validation failed".
fuck.
you!!!!!!!!
I don't give a fuck about calling them out:
Its Bexio.5 -
Managers: And now we'll just 'scale' our tech, it'll 'get done', development is just an external black box to us, let's do it iN pArALlEL and sYnErGizE splat blat barf splat splat somethingresemblingalanguage barf squelch splat barf
Devs: You are completely and totally idiotic bozos fooling around in the sandbox like a bunch of babies1 -
Each day, I read the vast swath of ticket hell hole that is our JIRA.
I read tickets that are written by people with not just 0, but an undefined understanding of technology...
I read tickets that are technically impossible due to this 0 understanding...
And finally, I laugh in bitterness seeing the time estimates stack up to months and months worth of work for which the managers expect to be done in 2-3 weeks 😂3 -
You could do:
let categorysString = '';
categories.map((item, index) => {
if ( index === 0 ) {
categorysString = categorysString + `${item.categoryName}`;
} else {
categorysString = categorysString + `, ${item.categoryName}`;
}
});
Or you could just do:
return categories.map(category => category.categoryName).join(", ")
🙄
Previous company must have been payed per line...4 -
Once again I go into interviewing with literally 4 minutes notification ahead of time on who the candidate is (obviously I still don't really know or understand what the hell is about to happen)
Management does not have their head screwed on straight; it's that simple
#startuplyfe #scrappy #turnthatmindsetintoagrindset1 -
I recently built an automated payout functionality for bank-to-bank transfers, and we initially looked at using the pain.001 XML schema to do it. Luckily, we ended up finding a service that has a simple REST API to do this instead. (Thank god we didn't go with the XML method, I know how much of a headache that could become, I can imagine the treasure trove of memes with naming an XML schema with the name PAIN)
Anyway, for one of our big-brained product managers, this will forever be the infamous "XML Task" that he continues to ask about and bring up. I've already clarified a few times that we have long chosen a solution process that has nothing to do with XML, but to no avail, it will forever be his "XML Task". Wonder what name he'll pick next time we need XML in a solution? "Second XML Task?" Let's just keep the mental overhead idiot train going!3 -
New strategy to combat managers:
If you claim we can't afford the additional time for the tests that come with the feature, I won't build the feature.
If you claim we can't afford the additional time for the proper API versioning that comes with the feature, I won't build the feature.
And finally, if the internationalized texts, designs, and image assets are not complete when it comes time for development, I won't build the feature.
It's time to rise and stand against the "You're an engineer! do it all!" notions. I'm not a designer. I'm not a translator. I'm not a by-hand manual customer tester. And I'm certainly not going to take any more of your shit.2 -
Leave it to an investing company 'dUe DiLigAnCe' document to list the following requirement:
"Schema of computing infrastructure setups for development, testing, and production"
Ah yes, the highly technical and well-known term of "schema of computing infrastructure"
God I hate business people, so clueless
BRB going to start my own business and make real money. if these neanderthals are top investors, i can be too2
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