"Don't give your 100%. Never. Once you gave, managers will start expecting more than that." - My mentor.

Answer to all bosses, managers and TLs...

Me : So how's the deadlines here?
Coworker : There are none.
Me : ?
Coworker : if they are unrealistic, we push non-working code. Prod comes up with bugs, and we get a new sprint to resolve those bugs.
Me: ╰[ ⁰﹏⁰ ]╯

Managers in a nutshell.... 😑😑

F*ckin managers...

Bank managers be like

Managers Being Managers

Computer Science is probably the only major where if you suck at it and end up dropping out, you're more likely to be a leader than someone who is good at it and sticks with it.

There were roughly 200 people in my freshman class majoring in CS, by my sophomore year that number had dropped to about 120. A lot of people dropped out because it was too damn difficult for them, and they switched to less technical majors like "Business Information Technology" or "Management Information Systems." Almost without exception, the people who dropped out are now managing teams of developers, they actually have programmers reporting to them. Seriously, WTF?

This isn't even the worst of it, there are people who majored in art history who are now "product managers," who take the word "manager" in their job title literally, they think they're above developers. Some of them will even profess with no small amount of pride that they "know nothing about technology." You can hear the pride in their voice when they say it, as if they're saying "I'm a lot of things, but at least I'm not a geek." Is there any other field of study where people boast with such pride that they know nothing about it? I mean, very few people will say "I know nothing about history" or "I know nothing about literature", and if they do say it, they'll say it with a bit of humility. When it comes to Computer Science though, knowing nothing about it is almost a badge of honor.

Rant the f**k over.

"You will get a month to finish this project."

"I will be honest and give you are a realistic deadline. It will take about 2 months."

"But ${random} company told me they will take one month."

"As you can see from your previous project, they will say one month and will drag it to two-three months by making excuses"

"No, I don't think you are good enough for it. I will pass it to them."

"..."

I am so fucking fed up with being brought into a meeting because you "understand the technology" and then no fucker actually listens when you say that their idea won't work because the tech isn't magic.

Painful Representative Often Jeopardizing Expected Completion Times, Making All New Assignments Greatly Escape Reality

Or

P.R.O.J.E.C.T. M.A.N.A.G.E.R. for short.

Today, I have a meeting with my managers. I’m going to demand more work and higher pay.

Wish me luck

Quick fix....

Dear Managers.....

Apparently, clients/managers favorite acronym is ASAP.

Reality of employees... Lol 😂😂😂😂😜😜😜

managers: We're all aligned! Let's work as a team and get this started!

devs: ok...

managers and devs meeting to discuss next features: * canceled by managers *

managers: (word for word, can't make this shit up) we cancelled the meeting, we will define the roadmap for everyone

> WE will define the roadmap for EVERYONE

devs: uh wtf???

one hour later, managers: guys we are defining the roadmap can we have a call to discuss?

fucking asshat, insolent, disrespectful pieces of shit

Not only the manager/developer ratio is insane, but they are complaining about their top dev is getting an extra special status .. I just wish he sees this and quit immediately.

"People don't leave jobs, they leave managers" -Dad

The best way to punish managers is by doing exactly what they ask

When you work from home and your manager wants a word with you.

Manager Logic: The project is behind, we have brought on additional managers to satisfy the client. 😲 The fuck is a manager going to do? "Meetings! We need more meetings to ensure the deadline is met."

That moment when your project managers think hiring 3 new developers will deliver their project 3x faster.

Fuck managers!

Here's a favorite of mine. Managers need to be in meetings to be productive. Developers need to stay far away from meetings to be productive. Managers love to drag developers into meetings and then wonder why their productivity is down.

Managers: wE wAnT tO bE LeAn aNd MoVe FaSt As PoSsIBLe wiTh NeW FeAtUrEs

Same Managers: Can you make this icon 2 pixels smaller?! Shift this element left?! Swap out this icon?! Use a different color here?! A perfect feature and design is critical!!!!!!

FullStackClown: You can either be lean and fast, or be fucking nitpicking clowns 🤡 about this stuff and slow us all down. Choose one.

Managers: ...

FullStackClown: Sit down and shut up

It's really fascinating how managers can act surprised over a critical prod issue especially after the whole dev department warned them repeatedly.

Managers on Slack at 08:30: Hey frontendJunior, can you accept that meeting for 09:00?

frontendJunior: * No response *

Managers: * Clueless why nobody would see a ping literally 30 minutes before a meeting *

Fullstackclown, watching it all unfold: lol 🤡

Me: *Demoed my search API which supports multiple database implementations at the backend*

My Manager: Great!! Is the API independent of DB? Can you plug this API to any DB?

Me: Yes

My Manager: How can user specific DB at runtime?

Me: Why will user be interested in the DB used at the backend? He will just query the API for data.

My Manager: Let's just assume he wants to select a database at runtime.

Me: While searching a movie on Netflix, do you specific from which DB you wanna stream the movie?

My Manager: *Confused and pissed*

Manager: "We can't have new releases breaking older versions of the mobile app!!!!! We'll lose all our customers!!!!"

fullStackChris: "That's fine, we can do API versioning, but it will take some time to implement, I'll have to be quite careful and write some tests to implement it. Probably 2-3 weeks..."

Manager: "NO WAY, THAT TIME ESTIMATE IS WAY TOO LONG, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!!!"

fullStackChris: "So how do you wanna support multiple versions of the app without doing any sort of versioning?"

Manager: "...we'll think of something!"

Dev: "..."

And with 99% certainty, I expect to hear this in a week or two:

Manager: "fullStackChris, we'd like to introduce you to the highly technical concept, API versioning. It's a way to version the API so we can support multiple versions of the application our customers use! It's amazing! Please implement this immediately so we can support multiple versions of the application!"

Sigh... each day managers learn a bit more how physical reality works... you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Managers who don't code

It's getting close to that time of year when we are all encouraged to think of others and spread joy around the world. I've decided to go against my usual snarky/anti-social nature, and do something to help others this year.

I'm announcing the practiseSafeHex charitable fund, to give back and help others.

This fund will invest in cutting edge medical research to detect the genetic abnormality in humans that results in project managers not being able to comprehend the simplest of concepts.

Together we can find the reason why the concept "more meetings = less work" is uncomprehendible.

Together we can discover why we can't use an automated bot to generate reports, instead of spending hours in excel spreadsheets.

And together we will find a reason why the answer to the question "can we please just try it?" is always "No".

We do this not for ourselves for short term gains, we do this for the greater good. Together we can find the cause and build a test to filter these people out. So that never again will stressed out developers have to deal with these petty ridiculous issues.

Together, we will solve this!

Thanks,
practiseSafeHex, CEO and managing director of the practiseSafeHex charitable fund for the betterment of developer sanity

Business guy: hmmm, what do you think about getting the programmers to come to the office more often?
Me: uhhhh explain?
BG: feels like when working from home they might only give it their 90%, but in the office they'd do 100%.
Me: let's not talk about how you reached that conclusion for now. If you force them to come more often they will quit.
BG: what about the new people we want to hire?
Me: most jobs have full remote available, why would anyone pick us?
BG: hmmm. Btw next week we'll talk with some stakeholders about trying to get some outsource help. You know, for repetitive stuff that doesn't require in-house engineers.
Me: like what?
BG: you know, repetitive stuff

This is suffering. Is my only choice to tell the guy that he has no clue what he is talking about, should STFU, and let the technically capable people to handle themselves? As in, we already do but for some reason he still thinks he knows better than the people doing the god damn job? But if I do so, the salinity in his blood will bring other problems upon us.

We have a Miro collaborative whiteboard where product managers map functionality and user flows.

It currently has 89442 post-its & arrows.

Managers: fullStackClown!!!! The image uploader on the dashboard at <insert 3rd party service here> isn't working!!!!!

fullStackClown: Yeah? What do you want me to do about it?

Managers: Well, fix it!

fullStackClown: ... * sigh * Well, in case you didn't realize, I don't work at <insert 3rd party service here>, so... unless you want me to go work for them instead of you absolute clowns (which I dream about daily), I cannot help you further in this matter.

Managers: ...

fullStackClown: ...

Kill me. 🤡

Beginning of a Hackaton and the CTO calls everyone up and tries to instigate everyone with this gem:

"Challenge yourself and what we have. For example, instead of AWS use Swagger."

🤨
Nobody says anything but has the same WTF expression ... How do these person become tech lead?

I tend to respect project managers who came from production (ie. who can code, design, or produce something tangible), vs. "professional" managers who have no idea how the work is actually done.

Sadly I didn't encounter many.

Ticket: “feature [x] doesn’t work”

Me: “I’ll need more details: how do I reach feature [x]? In which of the three projects you assigned me is that?”

Manager: “the design is in the ticket”

Me, in my head: “can you effin listen to what I told you before giving air to your mouth?”
Me, in person: “yeah I just need to know which project this refers to and how to reach it”

Manager: “but you have to open the ticket as a separate page!”

Me: “sure!” *waits 15 min, opens a ticket for more details, assigns it to manager, flags as blocking, flags the other one as blocked*

5 mins later: details are given and I can proudly fox it by remembering the manager they have to login in order to see feature [x]

Later in the workweek:

Manager at 8:00 URGENT FEATURE! MUST BE DELIVERED BY EOD

Me, 10:00 “can jump on it, need authorisation for [a procedure]

Me, 11,12,13,15,16,17:30: pings for an answer

Manager, 17:58 “ah sorry didn’t see, we can do it tomorrow”

Is this the matrix? Am I being stopped from developing cause I am randomly accessing matrix’s code without knowing it? Is this the Truman show? And most importantly: can I please take part to a manager hiring session? I am curious to see how tf you hire such peculiar people.

My Developer mates and I while discussing with managers like

A tourist went into a pet store. As he looked around, a customer came into the store and said to the salesman, "I'd like an Excel monkey!"

The salesman nodded, went over to a cage and pulled out a monkey. He put a leash on the monkey, handed it over to the customer and said: "That's 3,000 euros." The customer paid and left the shop.

Surprised, the tourist went to the seller and said: "But that was a very expensive monkey. Why does it cost so much?" "The monkey can program Excel - very fast, little effort, no mistakes and very cheap!"

The tourist looked at another monkey in a cage. "This one is even more expensive, it costs 5,000 euros. What can he do?" "Oh, this is a web monkey! He masters the design of websites, can program, present and all this useful stuff," said the seller.

The tourist looked around for a while and saw a third monkey in a cage. The price hung on his neck: 25,000 euros. He ran to the seller in astonishment and said: "This one costs more than all the others combined! What the hell can he do?" The salesman replied: "Well, I've never seen him do anything useful, but the other monkeys call him Manager!"

I created account for posting this...

Fuck managers. They gave me requirements 2 weeks back. I completed them and showed them today. Now they (piece of shit) say it's not what they needed. If they aren't sure about requirements why the fuck you give requirements... Fuck...

Waiting for new requirements....

Managers here talking about 'Apple versus Android'. I'm tempted to ask them about 'Samsung versus iOS' 😁🤣

I feel like castrating our PM right now.
"Hey, here are a few changes I promised the client will be done by tomorrow. "
**Sends a 1000+ page document **
It's on a fucking weekend moron!!!

PSA.

Bad Managers will, sometimes, abuse imposter syndrome to have you work longer hours. Don't let them.

All managers on LinkedIn are just 14 year olds trapped in bodies wearing fancy suits. Change my mind.

My manager (who is a PhD) says that the difference between probability and percentage is that the former ranges from 0 to 1 and the latter ranges from 0 to 100.

Now the only question I have is, "Where can I buy PhD?"

Managers.

Me: *Killing tickets like there's no tomorrow*

Others: Doing nothing.

Manager: Well, since you are closing tickets here are some from your coworkers.

Unrealistic deadlines, incompetent managers and most importantly lack of motivation in a soul sapping demoralising environment.

I wonder if managers have their own rant app/community?

They'd probably give it some long pointless name, though, like Management Policy Execution Helper or something.

Fuck all managers who expects us to deliver a completely new feature before the holidays when in reality it would take thrice the time left until everyone is on vacation. Fuck them all with a cactus.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thanks for being concerned, im fine lmao. Compassionate managers are the best..

My manager is a "you don't know shit" kinda dude.
This one time while guiding us on how to operate on databases which existed and somehow, he deleted the whole database.

Ofcourse, to save his ass at once he claimed "This is why I was telling you all this, see!? The whole database got deleted"

And yes, we had a backup of that database. And yes we weren't able to control our laughter too.
You should have seen his face.

Managers: * send meeting to my calendar *

Fullstackclown: * sees email * Much obliged, I'm happy to... wait a sec... this calender meeting is for 4:30 PM... TODAY! ...and they've sent this at 4:47 PM?!?!

Managers: FULLSTACKCLOWN!!!! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT MEETING TODAY?

Fullstackclown: lol

#beclowngetclowned

Fuck managers!

*receives email about project*

*turns around*

PM: "Hey I just sent you an email about a project"

No. Fucking. Shit.

Why do managers always want to fucking "discuss"? If you had literally a first-grader's education in basic electronics, you could define tasks and tickets by yourself and not have to fumble around all day and fuck it up,

Manager: a person who thinks changing the whole logic of the app only takes 30 sec, but changing the site header should take 5 hour!

Dear devrant managers

You guys are going to make the survey data public one day?

Between containers, cluster managers and virtual machines we've lost track of where our code even is.

Nothing pisses me off more than a manager that keeps demanding shit but when you ask for support they deny it from you. well guess what? two can play this game, bitch.

Project managers are people that think 9 women can make a baby in 1 month

Managers faking agile be like:

Hands down biggest coding distraction has got to be Project Managers.

The company I’m in just implemented micro managing.
Time to say goodbye and fuck you!

WHAT A PROGRAMMERS THINKS ABOUT MANAGERS’ WORK

Those managers who think that Microsoft is the only platform and believe that Linux is insecure - fuck off. I don't want to use azure, you ass.

I need dev rant for managers 😖 managers have bad days too

When project managers copy and paste clients' vague requests word for word with no further explanation

Managers when a project is going off the rails:

*crickets*

Managers when something is successfully on track:

THIS NEEDS A ROADMAP, WHERE IS THE CORPORATE GOVERNANCE, WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, I DIDN’T APPROVE THIS ACTIVITY.

Product managers who breathe down your neck all day because they literally have nothing else to do with their time

Just checked a pr I need to take care of tomorrow…

“Please review [other pr] first, this solves a bug the other one introduces”

…Ah yes. Stupidity.

“Already tested by QA, accept without comments or job will be wasted.”

… I need a vacation or a megaphone to make someone deaf by screaming in their ears again and again: “follow the fucking processes instead of making QA preapprove your shitty code.”

In the zone, and listening to music.
Manager taps me on the shoulder.
I turn off my music, and face him.
He say "hi", and then walks away.

... Why?

I don't know what's wrong with my job..

-I am an opensource developer

-But my colleagues ask for ITIS issues

-My manager asks to interview 20 people in 2 hrs

- asks to prepare a KT schedule.

-Asks to attend few meetings

- And asks the status of the sprint task everyday

Typical managers 😣

I just joined devrants and starting my rant here with a dig at the Project Managers I have worked with.

TL;DR: OMFG! Push the button already!

I've been away on paternity leave for quite some time now. Today is my first day at work since the end of July.

Just a couple of days after my paternity leave started, I was contacted by one of the managers because a tracking and analytics service I had made some months earlier had halted.

Now, I did warn them that the project was fragile and was running of an old box in my office. So they shouldn't be surprized if it came to a halt every now and then.

Well, so being on my paternity leave and all I didn't want to spend time fixing it. I had a child to look after. So I told the manager that the box probably just had shut down. I think there was a power outage the day before, so I probably thought it was the cause. So he probably just had to turn it back on. I also told him the admin u/p in case he needed to restart some services.

Today, the CEO enters my office telling me to get that thing fixed. Because that manager apparently couldn't find the power button.

Fire all managers. Fire all managers. Fire all managers.

Engineering managers will say things like -
- "I'll let the team decide what's best for them" & "code quality is our primary goal" -
but then they'll shoot down any & all requests to go back to some old piece of code and refactor/clean it, because of "deadlines".
Hypocrites, all of them.

We have a saying in the Netherlands: "You have no, you can get yes."
We changed the saying in our team:
"You have yes, you will get no eventually."
Because even if stuff gets approved by 3 managers... in comes the 4th to unapprove and block everything...

In my previous job we had a monthly meeting, where we had to discuss all periodic meetings we had to attend. This meeting was only for non managers, and we created a sheet of pros and cons, which was than reviewed by managers on specific meeting for that purpose, and then we had a meeting to discuss those points with managers.

Fucking quora developers/designers/product managers/market researchers

Dear project managers.

Go fuck yourselves, stop hindering me in my ability to do my job. My job is to get the job done, I know exactly what exists where. If I request something, fucking get me it you useless cunts.

You're wasting time and resources with your lack of technical knowledge and making life difficult for the rest of us.

Sincerely, Frustrated Developers everywhere.

My manager: Hey if you are stuck don't be afraid to go ask the team in charge of a module for help.

Also my manager when I dare to ask a team when stuck: I feel like we are wasting this other teams time. You should probably try to figure this out on your own.

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't.

fml

During the majority of my career, I've been the stereotypical pissed off guy with earphones in mashing away at his keyboard.

During lunch hours, I absolutely love listening to other pissed off devs. Their tales of buggy Microsoft products, oblivious project managers, dangerously unqualified directors, and severely disabled bosses are often the only thing that put a smile on my face in a workday, and here in Tokyo a workday is often your whole day. I don't feel there's anything wrong with it - the targets of their abuse often really are leeching tons of money while contributing little to nothing, so I feel like they deserve the abuse.

However, I don't like it when devs trash-talk other devs. I sympathize with those guys, even if they wrote bad code. I know writing good code is really, really hard, and I know that they were trying to do it under extremely difficult circumstances (in an office). If they're junior I sympathize even more because they're often better than I was when I had the same amount of experience.

So in conclusion, don't hate your fellow dev. Don't let hatred control you and poison your well-being. Direct your hatred where it belongs, at project managers.

Junior engineer asking managers on Slack about prioritisation..

Junior eng: Hey managers, I have these tasks A & B lined up and some other type of work... Is it ok if I finish A by Weds and B by the end of week or should it be done sooner? Also, is the order fine or should I prio B first?

*silence for hours*

Random dev feeling bad for junior getting no response chips in: Hey, you are doing great, that order makes sense to me and let me know if you need any guidance or have questions!

Junior dev: Thaanks and will do!

*another hour goes by*

Manager: Hi team. I have asked other engineer X to do task B tomorrow.

what the fuck. at least answer the fucking question and say it needs to be done sooner. felt bad for poor junior here. :/

Clients and Project managers do Believe​ in magic.

Programming makes one more logical.

Except, when programming makes managers imagine they are more logical.

Do you think Project Managers should know what source control is and have a basic understanding of its concepts?

Do you think this will help them do a better job?

MANAGER: "Hey Slug, I just got off the phone with $partner about $issue and they want to have a meeting with us to discuss it. Send them an email and schedule something for Thursday morning."

WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK I AM, YOUR PERSONAL SECRETARY!!??? If you're the one who has a specific day and time of day that works this week, and if you were talking to them anyway, then how about YOU schedule the meeting????? And of course $partner comes back with "Does 10:30 work?" and so now I'm just playing middle-man. Who could have seen THAT coming.........

.project-managers { display: none; }

Me arguing with shifty managers.

Dev: The server is completely down right now. Nobody can access the application, we need to divert some resources to horizontally scaling our app.

Manager: Hm, this was not in the schedule. I need to consult senior leadership on what to do about this. I don’t want to be held accountable for making a decision on this complex and highly nuanced situation.

Dev: No need, I have a solution. Just need a week to build/test/deploy the ability to horizontally scale.

Manager: But that will cause delays to new features.

Dev: New features don’t matter if the app can’t even load.

Manager: Ok you can implement your solution but it can’t take any time. I need those new features out.

Dev: ???????

Not all project managers are bad. 3% are decent.

NEW TALES FROM THE FUCKING CRYPT. It's disgusting...

... how managers keep to invest money into totally useless gadgets at the company to keep themselves motivated with stupid toys, tech and gear. WHY in fucks name would you not spend the money on hiring more devs and a dev consultant?

It's funny how they presented the stats first: "yea well we have ten big projects in dev right now" (we are FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE, tells you everything, right) "... BUT WE HAVE BOUGHT NEW SCOOTERS FOR THE COMPANY!".

Ok... why though? Who would actually use those things except the ones that bought them. Just another way of spending more money to reduce the promised employee return on the company's profit...

Waterfall Project Stages:
Requirements, Analysis, Design, Coding, Testing, Operations

When you promote project managers to program managers and tell them to switch to Agile, you get the Agilefall project stages:
Best guess, Timeline, User stories, Execution, Blame the devs when the project plan trends late.

I want to beat them with a copy of the PMBOK wrapped in lead.

As a Developer i hate this sentence from every Managers...

"THIS WILL NOT TAKE TIME".

what an absolute condescending garbage post...

"brilliant coder who can't meet a deadline"? well, you're the idiot right there, you just admitted it - they are brilliant and you don't know how to set deadlines

imagine labeling someone who can't meet a workload DIFFICULT! god this is making me fucking fume

"normal management" - yeah this is normal management alright, treating everyone like they don't know what they are doing and expecting them to follow you blindly, sounds pretty normal to me

it's shit like this that leads to cocky ass young dumb managers who actually don't know shit about building a product themselves, but then turn around and think they instead have the ability to manage a team to do it... incredible

Managers... managers with an addiction to meetings

Sales team came in earlier this week promising a client an application with several major modifications in less then 4 months. Guesstimating about 6 months to complete all the modifications.

Manager's answer: "Let's rewrite the application". Top it off he wants to use a obscure language that he only knows.

My managers are getting micro managed, is it wrong to feel good about this?

managers

Product Managers worldwide are rejoicing...

{ position: sticky }

Did you mean “project managers”?

Project managers who distribute a task instruction like "add button on page x" into 20 ticket comments (each minimum 1000 chars), 1 pdf from the client, 2 unrelated tl;dr confluence pages, 3 lengthy bullshit management emails (at least 5 people in cc) and end up sending chat messages every hour...

It's been a minute.

But I've got to fucking say this in brief.

Managers who are bored of their jobs - get a fucking job you actually love and keep you productive.

Stop making our life a hell just because you can't fucking figure yours out.

Selah!

Project Managers who stand next to you whilst you are attempting to patch a critical issue

Managers gettin horny when they realize that AI doesn't even need a free pizza party once a year to stay motivated

How many project managers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just schedule a meeting to discuss the lighting strategy.

Why am I sad, depressed, demotivated, you ask?
Because I was asked to create-react-app with nodemailer, it worked well on heroku, YAYYY MEE, "

"NOTHING GOES WRONG IN DEPLOYMENT FUCK YEAH"

Little did I know that was a "demo" for the business people, My superior / manager/boss wants me to deploy on 1and1 service provider,

> Okay 1 and 1 service provider does provide Nodej, so it shouldn't be hard.
> Turns out it is a Windows hosting server IIS 10 without URL Rewrite.
> *INTERNAL SCREAMING*
I went up to him to talk about this issue and requested to let me talk to 1 and 1, and get this sorted

> But bro, if we cannot fix it, I think they also cannot fix, probably.

*INTERNAL SCREAMING AT PEAK*

I just want URL Rewrite installed on IIS10 so that I can move on to the next project.
A little background for this project
> No support from him during development.

> I personally used HD Images, because why not?

> Website seems slow because of HD Images, and now he complains about it.

You fucking (managers) want a website to be scalable and fast and yet you choose to focus on B U S I N E S S instead of support the real guy.

I'm fucking sick and tired, it took me 24 hours figure out the issue because there is nothing on 1 and 1 support/ forum/help center.

Another 24 hours to try and fix, yet no luck.

I'm gonna finally point the domain name to heroku. Fuck, I'm so fucking done

you know what i !love?

-project managers that can't manage something as simple as pivotal tracker

-project managers that schedule repeated stakeholder demo sessions when none of my stakeholers show up (ever)

-project managers that hold repeated grooming sessions that no one gives a fuck about because they can't manage what the fuck is going on the current iteration and therfore cannot forecast a proper next iteration

-project managers that complain about what doesn't get done in a current iteration because they don't don't pay attention to high priority stories that are added by developers in the current iteration even though they have (OWN) pivotal tracker

-project managers who have no clue about the business but want to turn grooming sessions into some sort of requirements gathering meeting only so they can appear halfway competent in the stupid little pivotal tracker notes

-cats that can't decide whether they want to go outside or stay inside

i'll take cats. at least their cuddly. sometimes. fuckers.

Dear Managers,

Don't just have one person maintaining something forever. Don't ask that one person to also fix an issue in a module just because they merged in that code a few years ago. Don't ask them to fix issues introduced by others. Grant leave when requested especially when there is no formal leave policy and they are sick.

Fuck you.

I HATE PROJECT MANAGERS

They are so busy with their “schedule making” they skim over details and then blame us developers

Worst part of being a dev?
Dealing with managers.

Managers interrupting you to complain that X takes too much time instead of letting you work on X to finish it in time.

I'm going to have to ask you to come in on Saturday...

Fuck the managers !! Fucking Fuck Fuck !!!
I am in manual testing for 3 years. Wanted to move in to automation since 2016 January !
They kept delaying.
While waiting I kept autating stuffs and making utilities to use for everyone.
Recently automated a 5 yr old manual process.
Made an utility that can perform a 5 hours manual activity in 5 mins.
Our automation team had a vacancy.
The managers were asked to nominate names who could fill the spot from the current manual team.
They didn't suggested my name.
I am not bragging but I am the only person in the team who nows Selenium , UFT , Java , Python even though being in the manual testers.
The team is going to hire someone from the outside.
I just got to know it all this today.

These bastards should die in hell !!!!
I hate these bastards !!!!

Sometimes I feel like devrant is a "how to" for trolls and sadistic management.

Dear non-technical managers :
GO FUCK YOURSELF !

I have just started working in this industry, and so annoyed by the fact that managers are insensitive to the efforts put in by the developers.
1. They ask for estimates, and sometimes consider it to be the hard line for everything and then they make you feel guilty if you are not able to live up to them.

-- I am not asking to be always lenient but they need to understand that this is problem solving and one might not be able to gage the problem at first sight. A problem might have several sub problems or a solution to one issue might raise compatibility issues with other which were tough to foresee .

2. Why do they always want an instant response to their email or query, a developer being online isn't just there to answer your damn obvious and sometimes stupid questions which can be understood just be glancing at the logs once.

-- How annoying would it be if the manager himself is being poked every other minute for trivial things. Does he have the same patience with his/her developers?

3. In tough times the manager easily delegates the responsibility to the developer and instead of standing by his/her side, interrogates them as if we have done some crime.

-- Wasn't this approved by you. Weren't you the one who had these stupid demands before and didn't let me do things the correct or optimized way. I am not saying I am always right, but you can be atleast open for feedback or discussion.

Why are you the first to take credit for the success and yet hold us responsible for any mishaps.

It's sad to see that some of these people have been tech developers.
I can go on ranting for many more things.
I am not saying all those people out there are like this. But trust me many are.

Note: I am not seasoned as you guys out there. I may even be biased by my own experiences. But this is in complete contrast to what I was expecting when I graduated from college and was excited to finally learn by working.

Story time:

I worked at a firm that had an infernal off the shelf CRM system that they collaborated with the dev company to customise.

They were seriously behind the competition, and didn’t have any app or web presence for interacting with their system, instead relying on people calling (fine for the nature of the business, but competition was leaving them in the dust).

They decided that they needed to redevelop it in-house, with a focus on supporting the web and apps.

I was hired for this purpose.

It was me and one other dev, who was also the head of IT.

He’d built a small prototype, and was new to the whole WPF / MVVM thing for the in-house app, so with my previous experience it was clear it needed to serve as an example only, and that it would need redeveloping.

I was only there three months.

In that time I singularly (he was pulled away to troubleshoot their VOIP installation - yes, for three months as other companies kept dropping the ball) built:

- A WebAPI with JWT auth
- An MVC skeleton frontend
- A WPF desktop app

It had all sorts of cool shit in it, 2FA, Reactive UI, Reactive extensions, server push to desktop, a custom workflow and permissions system.

It was pretty dang cool.

End of the three months rolled around, and the non-technical managers were concerned about time to market, so they decided to drop me as I’d “not made enough progress”.

I’d also had a bit of absence which they were aware of and were supposedly supporting me through.

But MFW three months is assumed to be enough time to build such a system with one dev.

Why some managers think that a non-tech guy can be the Scrum Master of a dev project?

We need to learn to say no to project managers.

managers be like

My manager just came out of his office after a couple weeks of little talk and asks, "So...what are you working on?" *face palm*

Bloody Fucking Managers !!!!

Few Months Back...
Manager: Innovation we need Innovation.
Me: What's the process?
Manager: You give idea >we give you people > they do all the work !
Cool right ?

Present situation :
I have given them 5-7 ideas. I am programming for all of them. When I ask for help -- we will see... After the programming is done its working. I need make the documents etc. Everyone uses the tools. I get to be the sucker !

Yes, thank you motherfucker. Please change the fucking specification again one fucking day before the deadline.

These project managers and clients are like little children who can't decide whether they want a lego set or a video game for christmas except little children don't blame santa for their own stupidity.

Guess what? I'm not santa fucking claus and can't do miracles in one day. It's on you little project manager children if we miss this deadline.

PM on the phone with a client: "Your email is down? Who hosts it? You know, it would be a company like MailChimp."

Epic labels from managers crack me up.

They're so generic and undescriptive.

"Focus on users"

"Prioritize ABC"

"Increase XYZ"

"We're a team!"

"We need to work together!"

...product managers, sheesh

Fuck stupid managers.

My current agency tried to create a bundle of generic Microservices with the hope of save time and money on future projects. That was two years ago (i was working here from 4 months ago).

What they have now? well, a sort of distributed monolyth were if one service goes down, everything else fails, infinite technical debt, no security policies (yeah, all the apis are open!!!) Business rules on the frontend . . .

And what the stupid manager say? "Everything must be ok because i designed it very well, i research a lot for this"

Stupid boomer.

PD: Yeah, despite the fact he is judt a manager, he take the responsibility to design the full architecture, idk why no one srops him.

I have no words to describe the last meeting.

One of the project managers was putting his feet on the desk, chewing his gum with an open mouth, and playing around with his phone.

The people in the room were so tense and looks defensive, which is normal if you have dirty shoes in your direction.
Luckily I'm remote but at least I know that won't like to move to his team at any cost.

Managers: Got some good code from our friends, please integrate with our code. Thanks!

Me: What programming lang is .rtf ?

#qualityAssured #topOfClass #inTheirElement

I love my job. Minus that 1 stupid guy who I don't understand how he was hired. And minus one of the managers messaging me after hours to do work. Everyone else is alright, need to find a way to hide from that manager and work on projects exclusively with other managers D:

Anyone else ever felt like hiding from management? Lol

"We need smaller deliverables so that we can validate each iteration with the client! Instead of doing the whole batch, let's try a minimum viable unit of work first!"
And then the cook made a single unit of French fries. Like, a single stick. It took about 10 minutes, or about 95% of the time it would take to fry a whole portion.

IT managers that ask me parameters to connect via FTP to their servers...

No man's sky: I can imagine the devs fighting management and marketing letting them know that what they were selling was bullshit and they be like 0 fucks given.

Deadline driven development ... Wtf. What a great way to annoy developers, managers and clients at the same time.

Why is it so funny to me that there’s a certification for project managers called PMP?

After leaving my previous employers behind, I think I'm finally ready to write negative reviews about them without getting into a rage.

The policies of glasdoor and similar platforms say to review a company, not individuals. However, as the saying goes, "employees don't quit companies, they quit managers". And that is 100% true for me. The reviews I'd write would in large parts be about how managers mistreat the people they're responsible for. In my case even to the point I needed therapy... so really really bad.

I'm not sure how to bring those two things together. Have you made similar experiences? How would you write such reviews? Thanks for any tips.

til: Jiraporn is a legit Thai name and not only what overly horny project managers do.

Devs knows everything (even new technology) syndrome by managers

Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.

Every task is for fucking yesterday

You are not prioritizing your work!!!

Well I am but you keep throwing more work in my direction on like a daily basis ...

PM: How long do you think this will take...

Me: When does it need to be done?

PM: good question.... last Tuesday...

Me: ... -_-

You "following up" and "just checking in" doesn't actually make anything go faster...quite the opposite actually..

Worst experience with managers.

Joined new company.

My work experience, knowledge and everything else was upto the mark(exceeded at some places) with their requirements. I was handling full technology stack for previous company.

But while negotiating he declined me salary I asked for because previous company was small (startup with no big name, it shut down after few years) also previous company payscale was low so they offered me increment based on that payscale( which was low compared to salary they offer for same experienced person).

He also hired one more guy who was from big company with same experience, but he got more salary than me. Later I came to know that he knows little compared to me and most of the time manager asked him to take help from me for coding.

Now at the time of increment he is offering me increment with which my salary is still less that the other guy.

I think its time to leave.

sigh, managers and their sand castle empires

Wish my 3 project managers would realize when everything is a P1, nothing is.

Fucking managers
Now I know why companies with shitty managers don’t grow

Me conversing with my senior as to how to make one of our functions scalable which around 10k devs would be using.

Manager walks in

Manager: how’s function x going

Me: great , will be done soon

Manager: you need to finish it by today

Me: can’t do it , too many sub functions need to be reconfigured( which was his job)

Manager: take *insert some managers asslicker’s name*’s help

Me: okay

We will finish it by today , but everybody know how “robust” the output will be

P.S. I didn’t argue because I’ve done that before and it’s like hitting your head on a wall. If you have read my previous rants, you would know

The day a manager understand the link between short deadlines and amount of bugs, there will be celebrations across the world

Wouldn't call it a software bug but related:

Was developing an order system to expand in the UK. We have been developing it for the last 2 years and always had a one nasty bug in the system... Whatever we do, it still appears... Tried debugging to find the source, tried covering with tests - nothing helped it was still there. We even rewrote the whole system 3 times and it still was there!

One day, we have been given a stupid request from our manager - take a black background and make it even more blacker... That was it and I went to the CEO with letter where I stated that we should remove the manager... As I'm the Senior there, he did ask me why and eventually removed the manager...

Oh my guys, I've never felt so good after removing a bug! Since then - our application went live, we had our first customers and we were happily rolling new updates. And the best part - there was no BUG! Everything we did just had undocumented features or missing links but we haven't really had a single bug that was not caught by our automated tests!

---

Moral of the story:
Not only software can have bugs. People also can be "bugs" while bugging you about every single details they think is not working correctly.

I see a lot of complaining of managers talking about blockchains, but I would like to know if someone actually had to make a blockchain system because of managers and for what purpose? It seems to be completely useless for most of the cases

Know how they say programmers don't quit jobs, they quit managers?

Imagine having 3 managers that all want 3 different things and none of them know what the fuck they're talking about.

Dedicated to all corporate guys Business Managers, Administrators and Entrepreneurs

Yes indeed..

When project managers are panicking and you know you are really so close from done, a few fixes and everything will fall into place. But manager is on your neck because "nothing is working" now you must take time to be their psychologist instead of working on what is actually making them panic 🙃 development is a rough space. One bug can stand in front of working products just like that

I really wanna say, please fuck off for a few hours. Thanks bye.

I think managers should at least know what is CSS and what is not. But NOOOOOOO.

Why would companies ever hire a manager from a non-tech background, at least for managing engineers? After reading @IAmNotARobot's latest rant I just have to ask because it makes absolutely no sense to me. Surely non-tech people should be reserved for managing non-tech roles like sales, HR, and maaaaybe team leads, right? How can you manage someone if you don't understand anything of what they do?

Manager tweaks with some data on the production server and accidentally deletes some rows.

*flip table* *rage*

When your project manager pisses you off so much, you could punch a baby or drown a puppy....

I want to work with managers with introverted personality who wouldn't call you or setup zoom meetings for stuff that can simply be texted.

How many managers does it take to fix a bug in production?

ERROR: Buffer overlflow at line 1

Some managers put the 'creep' back into scope creep

Product managers playing programmers

My spouse is my project manager which is ironic since I normally seethe with anger when around project managers. It works though.

Whenever I see someone swear, for example, 'fucking managers'. I think of fucking as a verb.
Which makes it 'managers that are fucking'. Pretty entertaining when you're bored or having a bad day. 😅

chatting on tinder with it manager, he doesn t know what 'null' is.... fucking it managers!

It's obvious that a lot of product managers need to take basic stats classes. Your metrics are pointless and lack direction. 🖕

I never understood people complaining about their managers until I got a new one and started to ask the most clueless things.

Out top management has made the decision that our managers must have billable work as well on projects. I feel like winter is coming.

About two weeks ago i posted a rant containing an email from the big boss. Today they held a "virtual town hall" where people could ask questions, get answers, and generally just be online. Went fairly well, good info was handed out, and i think people mostly enjoyed themselves (even if it was at the expense of the higher-ups).

Then comes the email. The same person as last time had this quote:

"I’m good at giving advice, so I need to take some of my own.  I intend to take it easy this weekend, watch Netflix, do some household chores, play the piano and maybe even read a book! "

Jesus christ. Remember those memes about zuck being a robot because everything he does it looks and feels like it's an alien trying to blend in? That's what this feels like. On a normal workyear i would hear from this person 10 times TOTAL. I have heard from them this amount in the past 2 WEEKS.

Maybe it's the virus, but this is driving me INSANE. If there's any lesson you can learn from this, it would be:

Dont pretend like you care by not knowing or learning anything about the people you work with.

Jesus they even sent out surveys to see what the telework experience is like... THE RESPONSES ARE RECORDED AND PUBLICLY DISPLAYED!!!

Ugh.

Some managers think if one woman can deliver a baby in 9 months, then two can deliver a baby in 4 and a half...

I have two managers outside of the bathroom having an impromptu meeting while I'm blowing it up.

...this is what causes psychological complexes.

when the project manager asks you if you have an ETA on the project you're trying to finish because deadline is a few hours. You have never done the thing you're trying to complete before so you have no baseline for it and they know that.... nope but you'll be the 2nd person to know when it's done, maybe next time don't promise deadlines without consulting the devs?

There should be a course on how to handle clients/managers for designers and developers
:/

By completely ignoring any project managers and only caring about what the customer actually wants.

How the fuck 4 months of design(2 designers) can be developed with 2 months of development work. (1 developer)

BRILLIANT PROJECT MANAGEMENT IDEA

How did we normalize Project Managers (non-technical scumbags who literally just make excel sheets and track work items) yelling at Developers (they literally get everything done).

Imagine having PMs yelling at surgeons for not removing a tumor fast enough or something.

Make sure you are noted for every work you do. Don't let upper managers to take credit of your work.

Managers told my fellow droid dev, to use push notifications to have a multiplayer game possible. And he was proud of his solution.

When managers ask you to complete some code in an hour and it takes them 5 hours to approve the merge.

working on google maps fixing functionality and here manager came and said: what have you done in 3 hours? why extra space between columns fix this padding stop whatever you doing, padding is important. -_-

is there any good boss or project managers in the world or all of them are just born assholes?

Why does it always follow the same format?
Me: we should do do and so because xyz. Alternatives are this and that because uvw.
Manager: no, I'll hire another manager.
[Q]uit, [T]ry again? T... fml
Manager 2: let's have a meeting.
Meeting almost ends up being about an entirely irrelevant topic. Barely get the requirements before the end of the day.
Me: write summary following conventions.
Manager 2: let's hire another manager. Manager 1: great idea, manager 2!
Manager 3: let's build a spaceship!
[D]evsplain, [R]agequit, [T]ry again?

class Manager:
"""This shouldn't be too hard..."""
...

Estimating time before consulting the dev on the task he/she will be working on is like pouring the milk in before the cereal. CRINGE.

In the Global Blockchain Congress currently taking place in Kolkata, India, 'IT' officials from PWC India and IBM India start their speaks right after a popular cryptography professor from Belgium and a Blockchain entrepreneur from Brazil.

Every word these 'IT officials' uttered showed how shallow and business minded the IT managers and marketers are.

Devs who became managers,

How?

I will never fully understand why some people think command line package managers are "more complicated" than searching for and downloading software through the web browser.

I feel like the only reason why they think this is because the command line is not a user-friendly tool to them. All of my friends on Discord use Windows, and after showing them what a fantastic tool the Chocolatey package manager is, they don't want to have anything to do with it, because it involves entering commands.

I give up. If they don't want to use this amazing tool, that's their loss, not mine. I will just continue to run

> choco upgrade outdated -y

and update all of my programs with a single command, while they have to download installers and manually go through the setups.

plot twist: instead of wife swap, all the devRanters swap project managers

Have a clear goal and a fixed amout of time allocated.

Don't invite managers to meetings.