10/10 marketing, tbh

Samsung got that one right 😂😂😂

That marketing guy is in big trouble.

Marketing done right

"Jim, can you tell me why my e-mails aren't getting to clients?"

They're being marked as spam...

"oh damn, how can we fix that?"

You can't. You can change the structure of your e-mails to look less spammy, but it's on their end.

"This is a disaster, we can't have our marketing e-mails marked SPAM!!"

Have you tried not spamming people?

"WE'RE NOT SPAMMING PEOPLE, THEY EXPRESSED A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS INTEREST"

No, you bought a mailing list and put together an e-mail campaign.

"But we aren't spamming people!"

IT VS Marketing 100% of the time

*Website exists*

Client: “I should be rich by now. Please fix.”

Me: “... Did you do any ... marketing?”

Client: “I don’t have money for marketing. That’s what the website is for.”

I asked marketing how to rank higher on devrant, that's what they came up with:

How I feel when I have to do the marketing side of a website.

Every new product these days has the tag line "powered by AI"

FUCK OFF

No it isn't.

A mass of "if" statements isn't AI!

DureX Marketing Team deserves a bow, _/\_

Debugging while the marketing department promotes the product!

I can't emphasize enough how accurate this is 🤦‍♂

Marketing: it's not working...

Me: *fixes bug and pushes changes in less than 5 mins*

Me: Well it's working for me

Marketing: strange... it wasn't working 5 minutes ago...

I love their faces of confusion haha

Sometimes marketing people are really impressive

If marketing is trying to code... -_-

> *WordPress website gets down Error 500: Cannot establish Connection with database*

> Marketing loses their shit: "We need the website up and working right now"

> *Me being calm *: "Nope, we cannot it's the service provider error, there's nothing we can do"

> *MK.G*: "Alright then, switch to another ISP ASAP"

> *Me, Internal rage, a volcano erupts *: "Umm..so you want to spend more money on another hosting because this one has an outage of 48 hours?"

>*MK.G *: "Yes, because we cannot run Facebook ads, just because website is down"

>*Internal lmao*: "Alright, but by the time you purchase a new service provider and host, the website will be up and running plus since the database is down we cannot migrate"

>*MK.G*: "I don't care, just make it up and working"

>*Me chilling*: "Alright, give me few hours"

> after a few hours the website is working *me being badass even though I didn't do anything*

I’m sorry I didn’t read your marketing email within 2 minutes of getting it. Please forgive me.

Marketing 101

Straight from a marketing analyst (we didn't have a PM) I once had the displeasure of working with:

"Can you write a JavaScript that will scan a user's hard drive for credit card numbers and autofill the checkout form on our client's web site? I think it will increase their conversion rate."

The guy didn't believe me when I told him it was impossible (barring exploits that would break the browser's sandbox), unethical, and probably illegal. I had to escalate all the way to the CEO to get him to drop it.

I’m a graphs designer, hardware expert, free software generator, marketing evangelist, networking wizard, and troubleshooter bot

Pure marketing bullshit.

Apparently, part of being a software engineer means knowing how to read minds and do other people's jobs.

While implementing a user story for marketing, we found some associated features that, according to the database, have not been used for years. We tell them this. We do the courtesy of asking, "Hey, is there anything on the site that is utilizing these features? We'd like to clean up the DB."

"We don't know."

Engineering suggests, "Ok, lets turn the feature off, then, and see if anyone complains. It's been years according to the DB."

Marketing gets angry and hostile and says, "That's not the way to do things!"

I don't vocalize, "Well, not knowing how to do your own damned job is not the way to do things."
-
Marketing asks us to integrate a third party feature to the site. We ask, "Ok, what page do you want it on, and what information do you want to collect, and what should it look like?"

"I don't know. You're engineering. You tell us."

We implement it as best we can.

Marketing says, "HEY! This isn't done right! It's missing this and this and this!"

"Did you ask us to implement that? According to the user story, it passes acceptance criteria."

Marketing says, "I thought you would just know that! I didn't know it was a separate thing. Just put it on all the pages, then. You guys really should know the site better."

Engineering gets angry and hostile
-
Marketing says, "We need this removed from the site."

Engineering replies, "We have a GUI for that. Just go to this URL and you can do it yourself."

Marketing replies, "Well, if that's a really complicated thing, can you just run a script against the DB?"

Engineering says, "If we've built a UI for you, we really shouldn't be executing SQL scripts directly against the DB."

Marketing gets angry and hostile.
-
Engineering tries asking nicely.

"Marketing, if you want us to add new stuff to the site, or change stuff, please tell us what it is and where it should go and what the customer experience should be like."

Marketing replies, "We don't know the site that well. We are leaning on you to tell us."

I do not vocalize, all while trying to keep my eyes from bulging out of my head, my face red with rage, "YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF SELLING SHIT ON A WEBSITE THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. YOU ARE ASKING FOR CHANGES TO SOMETHING YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"

Engineering is angry and hostile.

Always the same story:

Marketing: hey I'm gonna do a demo to a customer. They were asking for feature XYZ. That's ready on thr staging server right? Do you think I could use the staging server for the demo?

Devs: well feature XYZ is not 100% done. Basically just feature X is done, and it still has a few bugs. The deadline ain't for another month, since we gotta finish ABC first. I guess you could use the staging, but it has a lot of bugs.

Marketing: perfect!

*after presentation*

Marketing: the staging had so many bugs! Why didn't you tell me?! It was so embarrassing showing it to new customers! Anyway, they loved the new feature. We need it to be ready ASAP.

Devs: What?! That's gonna mess up with our schedule. You know what? Fine, but feature ABC will have to wait another month.

Marketing: Well, it'd be ideal if we could do both...

Devs: Pay for more devs or dor extra hours.

Marketing: Just do XYZ. It's a pity that you'll have to push back ABC but it's fine, XYZ is more important.

(I might ask, if it was so important, why didn't you notice so in the meeting where we had decided that ABC would be prioritized?)

*tons of working hours later*

Devs: There, we finished XYZ.

Marketing: Yay! Wow, this month we'll have two major features done: ABC and XYZ!

Devs: No, ABC is not done yet.

Marketing: What? But the deadline was this week.

Devs: It was, but then you decided to prioritize XYZ and we said we had to push back ABC to get XYZ ready, and you agreed.

Marketing: Did we? Fine. But do it quick.

Marketing and their mood swings.

LOL good marketing

So, as the lead UX/UI designer, I was working with the marketing officer on the new e-mail template of the company. It took us at least one week to get a good settle – 'cause, you know, she's so skilled on that – doing back and forth and arguing on every detail.

Then she sent me a PPT file with the content and wording for each kind of e-mail.
After 3 days of work, I finished implementing the template and pushed the project in production.

~3 months later
MO: How's your work going on the template?
Me: Erm, sorry? You mean, the e-mails?
MO: Yes! Can you show me the result?
Me: Well, the result is online for...like...3 months?
*Surprised* MO: Hum, yeah? But I didn't validate it!
*Wince* Me: Well, yes, you did, we worked together on it and we finally found a nice settle.
MO: Yes, but the content? Can you send me one of each kind so I can double-check?
Me: ...
*to the rescue* CEO (and husband of MO): It's OK, I've already validate them.
MO: Oh, ok. But I want to double-check. I'll do it later, ok.

~3 weeks later
MO: Can you tell me how I can receive the registration e-mail?
Me: ...
*to the rescue, joking* CTO: Well, did you try to turn your computer off and on again?
MO: Oh, you really think this will work? Let me save my work first!
Me: *BOOOOM*

TL;DR: The marketing officer of my company does nothing productive and is making the company losing a lot of money, but she also make me lose my time for bullshits.
At least I can laugh about it on devRant.

Apples marketing logic I just saw on a Facebook post...

Marketing wants to remove the word "sex" from one of my slide decks.

Fuck people who get outraged for others. They are making a bad situation much worse.

Yes, there are people who get triggered by the slightest thing---but those people are going to be triggered no matter what you do. And it seems to me that I'd not want to have them as customers anyway---massive support cost.

We are in danger of washing everything until it becomes an inoffensive shade of beige.

Why do the 99% have to be bored for the 1%?

It's not like I'm doing a live demo...yet...

So, fuck outrage by proxy. If you are personally outraged then say that. If not, shut the fuck up.

The shop owner has great marketing skills 🤣

Got a marketing email talking about the "No Code" revolution. They're talking to the wrong girl here.

Booking a hotel on booking.com

**only 3 rooms avaliable at this discounted price BOOK NOW**
**12 rooms booked just in the last 24 hours BOOK NOW**

*** HTML AND CSS FLASHING WEBSITE PANIC**

I call the hotel directly "sorry sir, we're closed for the season and currently renovating, will not be open till June"

I need a drink.

Next phone provided by marketing gangs
🤦

The disaster starts with the following sentence: "so marketing had an idea..."

Oh my god! That .05% off

Digital Marketing is for kids!
Legends do meme marketing!

Is it really unreasonable that I wish aws would just name their fucking products after what they are? Why the fuck is dns called route 53? Why the fuck is a vm an elastic cloud compute node? Stop being pretentious dicks and just name things what they are!

Am I being unreasonable?

This happens when your feedback is too important.
'I’m sorry I didn’t read your marketing email within 2 minutes of getting it. Please forgive me."

marketing is borderline scamming change my mind

When the Marketing team runs a promotion focusing on a feature you're about to remove.

That moment when your marketing manager makes technology decisions for your project and says "let's just use WordPress" ...

Optimizing the queries and backend

OR

Hiding the waiting time with funny animations and weird preloading techniques

Catch: let marketing decide

Um.. yea I've published a GDPR contact email on our website, for issues about our privacy policy. Not sure if you Chinese marketing fucks behind the GFW know what this regulation is about though. I'm not interested in your stupid moulds.
Perhaps that firewall of China could use some further tightening... 😒

!dev && rant

*Checks mailbox*
"To the energy consumer of this residence"
This better be something official, even though electricity is provided by solar panels here, and that as well as water and gas are part of the rent.
*Opens letter*
"AD: GET A CHEAPER ENERGY CONTRACT!!!"
Fuck you. If only you addressed it properly, you would've known that I pay exactly €0 for energy. Try and beat that, will you?!

Anyway, that's one way to avoid liability for sending crap to people who explicitly mention "no unaddressed spam" on their mailbox I guess... Pieces of shit.

A while back our whole team was really frustrated with the marketing department.

In retaliation we made a new branch for our project called marketing-bs, which was used for all of marketing feature requests.

It's the little wins that keep us going.

What the F**K? Why Marketing department always think they know better than IT Department? They always tell us "What so difficult to do this thing? You guys must have templates and change a few things!"

Let me give you some insight here, that this guy is the guy who buy website templates from programmers, change things and upload the site to Bluehost or Wordpress, That's all he do.

Our Software Archictect, colleagues and I personally went from "What the f***?" to "Are you f**king Kidding Me? "

Sometimes I just want to tell him this "Hey you mother f**ker, based on your f**king statement , why would you need programmers then? You guys can just buy the templates and change things".....

F**k you Marketing Department!

When I visit sales or marketing...

Never write your email adress on a building. And it you do, don't use web.de (basically German and more shitty version of yahoo). Spoted in a fancy business district in central Berlin.

Me: "ok for the following changes you must pay the following charge because it's not in the scope"
Customer: "bUt tHiS Is Not whAt I wanT, wOnT pAY thE ResT iF yoU arE nOt DoiN It blablabla"
Marketing: "please do it for him"
Fuck me.

Apple's marketing department are just dictionary junkies.

Have you guys read some of the latest Apple quotes for their products? You know, the ones where you visit the page and there's some large bold text summarising the product? Here's a few:

HomePod: "The new sound of home."
If you talk over my Spotify music YOU WILL BECOME THE NEW SOUND OF MY SHED.

iPhone X: "Say hello to the future."
E.Musk put a Tesla in space. Also the future can crash with a single character.

MacOS: "Your Mac. Elevated."
If you fly away I WILL use you as birthday balloon.

iPad Pro: "Anything you can do, you can do better."
SOONER OR LATER *Comment what you would put here*

But I mean hey. It sells right.
Reading it back maybe I'm just blind hating.

The joy of being a junior programmer in a marketing company...

Lately it's been 25% programming, 5% fixing other people computer, 70% doing stuff not related to my job

What's the most bullshit marketing term you've heard being used? Something that sounds flashy for a non tech client, but makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I just heard "harnessing hyperconnectivity". The fucks that?

//rant
When you make a mobile game and hope it gets downloads but you suck at marketing.. fml

YouTube, why the fuck do you put ads at the end of the video? Who's gonna watch those?! I'm not a marketer but I do know that people watch ads in expectation of something better. Who.. who the fuck thought this would be a good idea?! Fire that certified piece of shit marketing cunt already! What the fuck is even wrong with you nowadays Google?! Pinnacle of tech company my ass.

Marketing: so we want it to behave like this website, so it'll have to have feature A, B, C and D.

Me: okay that might take a day or two.

Marketing: what? can't you just copy-paste the code from that website?

u must have 8 monitors if u want to do marketing, its the only way to become a PhD marketer

I don’t get marketing directors. They basically get paid a ton of money to pay an agency to do their job.

I mean... my mum could pick up the phone to an agency and say “make me a campaign for this”.

What’s worse is when said marketing director comes over to the tech people and starts asking questions, and you KNOW he’s only asking them because someone at the agency he’s hired has asked him the same question.

And then sometimes I find myself feeling sorry for them. Imagine being a marketing person... imagine being a useless cunt and knowing everyone knows it..,

Marketing : Do you think we can implement this feature in a system?

Dev : Hmm....*checking specs*...This will...

Marketing : *interrupts* we have already signed a contract with a client.

Dev : ugh......

If I uncheck your, by default checked, checkbox to recieve your marketing bullshit emails on your website.

Don't fucking send me an additional email asking me to subscribe.

Fucking cunts!

Ticket from legal department: implement GDPR recommendation, log customer consent, separate checkboxes to opt-in to T&C and newsletter

Ticket from marketing department: small print T&C on sign-up, remove "conversion killer" checkbox

This is why we need a product owner

Just saw this on FB..

Well I don't do much Webdev but that won't work for sure.

The first closing bracket ends the function Block -.-
Nice try Marketing team

DON'T. LET. DEVS. EXPLAIN. THEIR. PRODUCT.

MARKETING. SHOULD. DO. IT.

I've talked in past rants about how marketing loves showing off features to customers that are still in Beta to give us devs more pressure to finish them earlier, but it really just ends up screwing up our schedule since we have to push back on other features.

We had warned them not to do so for a series of reasons. But this time, this time their bad practices has come back to bite them in their butts.

They've been bragging all over to customers about this API integration we've been developing. They caught a reasonable amount of customers whose main reason for hopping in with us was this API integration. We finished the code on time, and submitted to the API provider for them to revise our "app". It's been a long back-and-forth conversation clarifying purposes and trying to fix tiny details and, of course, the providers' emails take almost a week to come back. We're waayy past the deadline marketing had promised customers, and they know they can't really blame the devs.

Sucks to lose these customers, but it feels so good to show these marketing pricks a lesson.

How the fuck can you go beyond unlimited plan nonetheless going above it!!

When company preaches for a great product, but keeps staffing up the marketing department.

MARKETING IS A MENACE FOR SOCIETY and a large waste of time and resources.

Imagine that for some very stupid reason people were allowed to steal cell phones from unsuspecting victims and sell it on open market legally, tax invoices and all.

One could create a business like this. Steal some lad's brand new $600 iPhone and sell it for $280, because why not?

That is marketing. A company goes and makes a phone for lets say $180. Add in taxes, shipping and development costs, and we get to $300. Put some real nice profits on top (let's say 40%) and we get to $420.
The last 180 are the cost of marketing for society.

Today some stupid marketing conmen goosesteps into my lab and says that we must use Tensorflow and in-memory databases and multicloud redundancy and, I kid you not, "profound learning".
WE HAVE A FREAKING LOGISTICS OPS APPLICATION.
"We are putting it on the brochure, those technologies are set to sell well in our core market, and improve employer-branding" says the conmen.

A request for a feature is one thing, a request for an whole other technology because some snake-oil salesmen read the term in some clickbait rag and thinks that some starry-eyed moneyhead will pay extra because the brochure says "NOW WITH 2X MORE TECH!" is just an assault on society.

I don't like marketing people (nothing personal).
Most of those I had to communicate with, do lack anything that would remotely come close to brain activity.
A handful of days before the start of a huge event, for which we made a VR game over 2 months, they have the ovaries to tell us that the spectator TV doesn't fit the event's design and thus the VR game will not be shown at the event.
Wow.
Thankfully, half a day later, their CEO directly wrote us and told us to ignore them and to proceed with the preparations for the game.

Wow I didn't realise how much money I could be saving by actually putting things in my dishwasher when I run it.
Mind-blowing right?

I used to just run my dishwasher empty every day for the fun, but now I get clean dishes too 🤯?
What a wonderful age we live in.

Thanks corporate water ad 👍

Yes LinkedIn, the middle of a pandemic is the perfect time to make a career move.

Turn off your marketing campaigns assholes!

Marketing sends an average of 3 newsletter per week all year round, and 4-5 per week on Christmas.
Mailchimp makes this so damn easy for them...

We have ~500.000 subscribed customers.

They discovered the new chrome push notifications API and I 'refused' to build anything for it because I already find the amount of email they send unacceptable and I am pretty sure they would abuse of it.
I'm already imagining like 10 push messages a day...

Am I wrong? What would you do?

Should learn not to get my hopes up.. being a good dev doesn't mean you do marketing well :'(

Here with my books just bought these new 8 monitors just to use them for my marketing analytics work, but do you know what i love more than these books and 8 monitors that i just bought for my marketing analytics work? My brand new lamborghini

Worst marketing team of the century goes to...

The most common line nowadays,"Dude,I have a million dollar idea,You do the code and I will do the marketing. "

Me,: we devs need silence to be able to focus properly, and to develop good quality software.

Marketing guy: we need to hang a frame on the wall.

Other marketing guy: yeah, let's grab the drill and make several holes, fuck those devs.

The marketing and tech team are upping their game.

Viral marketing does NOT work.

Tell your friends.

Working in a non-IT department makes working as a developer really painful if the whole organisation is set up to be restricted with software installs or using specific hardware etc.

For context, I work in a marketing team with literally myself and one other developer, and some other people in a completely separate organisation, physically separated. We're responsible for overhauling the website and associated sites as part of a transformation project.

Had to use my own, shitty 2013 macbook to run XAMPP because I'd have to file a software request to IT for anything remotely developer related (even trying to run Git, Node, or Python or anything is a pain because I can't actually install anything permanently or to an actual drive as it's all network accounts).

I'm not asking for equipment/access because I'm an elitist bastard, I'm doing it so I can actually do my job.

God forbid I want to use a text editor, or some kind of build tool to manage our codebase better than just cowboy coding it without using my own device for work matters.

Quick question: Does your mom understand what you do at work?

Mine still thinks I'm doing some Marketing-Shit whereas I tried to explain multiple times to her what IT and eCommerce is...

If you need 10TB of User data to make a marketing strategy, you might be in the wrong business. When I was young we used our imagination to make good marketing ;-P

>be web designer at last company
>be put into marketing Dept
>do everything from design to dev, working closely with engineers in IT Dept
>whyamihere.png
>leave to join new tech startup
>get job title "Web Developer"
>startup forms a new marketing Dept
>be put into it

I was asked to come to client with the product owner and the marketing person. They told I just need to answer technical questions. But, in reality both the product owner and the marketing didn't even understand what our product is. I need to explained and carried on all the presentation. And the worst part, while I was struggling explained everything, the marketing and product owner was chatting and browsing random website

Went into an ikea store. For a photobox. Also got one of their remote controlled light bulbs which can change light temperature I didn't know I needed before.
2€ photobox, 30€ for the bulb and its remote.

Well done ikea.

I just saw an ad by a viral marketing agency thisventviral.net that sell a 16GB USB stick with an os image they call Xtra-PC for 29,60.
I immediately noticed that it seemes to be a simple USB boot stick with a Linux distro with a Windows like ui and OpenOffice and other software pre installed.
They guy took out his CD drive bay an claimed that he removed the hard disk. While odd his clames about faster speeds are obviously true because microshaft windows and office are bloated pieces of shit.

So this leaves me in the odd position that a viral marketing scam selling you over priced USB sticks and an image you probably could find for free, also makes people adopt Linux instead of the bloated shit. And that with people that won't notice any of the downsides of using Linux.

Wired position, should I hate them or should I commend them for theire unintended efforts spreading Linux desktops?

When scammers want to follow GDPR regulations - the worst SCAM ever 🤦‍♂️

Long story:
I have just received a SMS message, informing me that my phone number is in several marketing databases. It also had a link to the website called stop-sms.pl, where you're supposed to be able to unsubscribe from those lists. At this moment I felt a little bit confused - the SMS seemed suspicious, but on the other hand who doesn't want to get rid of all this SMS crap. So I carefully followed the link to see the website with a form to fill with personal data - phone number included 😆 If that is not enough to realize that this is just a lame scam website, just below the input where you enter the phone number there are Terms and Conditions where it directly states that: "By filling the form you agree that your personal data (name, email, phone number) will be used for marketing purposes." - WTF?!

Who the f... gets fooled by such crap?! 😂😂😂

Yay, our marketing person has quit only after 4 months. New record for the longest staying marketing employee!

This is the third marketing person since I started here and I won a bet with a colleague for how long they will last :D

My marketing department everyday while we try to keep the titanic floating

Deployed landing page, now waiting for marketing to complain

Switching to marketing after week of designing the website 🤣

So it's.... Not a switch.

Poor marketing. Just don't call it a switch and it's not a bad handheld!

What is the 1% can't complete this game with some adverts??? Seriously? Bad marketing IMO

Not a kiki post 🙂

Pelmeni, the Russian dumplings cuisine, sold in Germany, have a big label on the packaging saying "Made in Latvia" since the war with Ukraine has begun.

I kinda hate how even if people submit good and useful code to OSS repositories, you need to act like a salesperson if you want anyone to notice/care about it

Have you ever been interrupted because a marketing workmate had a friend on the phone who needed advice on a WordPress hosting, and wanted your advice right now?

Because I have.

When we had a massive server failure and our production environment was down.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people nowadays.

Why do marketers always tarnish the name of new concepts by turning them into buzzwords?

For example, "Cloud" is one of the most misused and overused words on the internet. If something has anything to do with the internet, it's likely to be plastered with the word "Cloud".

It's like "App" all over again. Anything remotely related to technology is called an "App" by it's marketing team and layman users.

Marketing meeting. They don't care about programmers and they don't want you to talk but they would assume you have said yes to everything they asked for

How can an online marketing company work without any web developer? How can they look at their costumers' face and pretend to represent their communication using basic mailchimp and DESIGNING HTML WITH MS OFFICE? Can someone explain me why should anyone think a NEWSLETTER MADE OF FUCKING TABLES works just fine? Why spend money on inadequate software and shitty plans instead of using it for hire a good developer? They don't even understand the fucking mailchimp anyways, why pay for something you don't know how to use and then BLAME OTHERS WHEN STARTS RAINING SHIT BECAUSE OF YOUR DECISIONS?? I got nothing against salesman, and I believe ignorance is not a sin, but when those two elements merge, a fucking stupid raises in glory and I get to work three or four times more than if they just used common sense for once.

Super duper Marketing guy gets hired to boosts Eshop sales. Sends a huge wall of text about moving the site to the X VPS hosting plan, put SSL to the site etc..
Me: We are already on that hosting plan. We have SSL and everything else you mention. Are you sure you checked the right Eshop before you made that Grand Plan of boosting sales? 🤣🤣🤣

Marketing sold a URL with an emoji

! Rant
I recently learned about rubber duck debugging hence wanted to buy one.
So went on to Amazon.in to find some.
And surprise surprise guess whom did I find in my instagram feed?
Marketing has turned into stalking these days eh?

Today, in "Marketing showed a Beta feature to a bunch of cusomters"...:
"I shouldn't have given access to the Beta server to the new user... They're gonna find all of these bugs and they're not gonna be happy..."
You don't say

This is what I call marketing....

This became such a common saying, marketing made us shirts

If there is anything I learned from Robert Martins in The Clean Architecture book is that: Marketing geniuses are fucking useless

just received a marketing email "this is ur last chance to surprise ur girlfriend"...

..

...

........

The marketing department must be run by wild butthurt fucking monkeys... Bloody idiots do you even know the word " controll"?! It's a simple fucking thing instead of wasting fucking 2,5hrs of my time which could been put on.. oh I donno more productive work?!?

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

Fuck sake.. 2 numbers... 2 numbers on almost every fucking article was wrong and you couldn't even check these in the fucking program BEFORE asking me to fix the images for these and upload? No I had to upload everything only to later noticed that you cunts gave the wrong numbers .... Butthurt wienerschnitzel 🖕

Asshole marketing director again.

We’ve just finished a bit of work with some marketing agency. They ran some ad campaigns for us, no biggie.

Anyway marketing director emails them, copies me in and asks them if the have any “tips on our approach to development”

AAAARGGGHHHH!!!!!?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

The things that happen when you don’t have a fucking meat cleaver in your hand. I swear this guy is the fucking King of Cunts. I could kill. I think the jail time might even be worth it!!

CMS admin does not mean that I also manually like to add content for marketing 🌍

A colleague came to me ranting about some feature marketing wants.
"Save whether the user accepted, rejected or ignored the TOS." They have to accept the privacy agreement first, so this feature is most likely about annoying users who rejected the TOS. Totally justified. Fuck that marketing team.

This post is kinda late. For those who haven't read my previous rants, a marketing coworker bragged about a feature that we hadn't yet finished. (I'm thinking that they perhaps did it to put extra pressure on the dev team 🤔.) Of course it backfired pretty bad, because this feature was a plug-in for another service, and even though the dev team was on time with the feature, the other service we were writing a plug-in for took _sooo_ long to approve of our code, and it made this marketing guy look so bad in front of these clients because the feature was a few weeks late.

A part of the new feature was that some of their data would be synced with this service. These customers were so important that we couldn't afford to disappoint them, and the solution was... *drumroll please* ... that this marketing guy would have to manually copy the customer's data from the service into our platform to make the customer think this feature is ready. Row by row. I'm hearing it takes about one hour of their day 🤣

I mean I'm good friends with the guy but... they kinda deserved it

the CEO is trying to release a product that has had a total of 1 test user, himself!! 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Any ideas to convince him to do something like a slow launch instead of sinking a bunch of money on marketing!?!?
(I'm pretty sure dilbert or xkcd should have something related...)

Can everyone with 10yrs digital marketing experience, put their hands up 🤔

Every day I get more convinced, that companies are only hiring the mentally disabled to their marketing departments.

Gitlab now spams ads constantly in my Facebook feed, because "I have visited gitlab.com".

If I have visited it, I am clearly already using it, stop annoying me please.

We have this marketing class that none of us gives a rat's ass about and it's not related to software engineering in any way, and our professor knew that.

So to make things easier for him and for us, he made the rule that if we do at least 30% right on the test, we'll pass.

If we got a question right, we get 1 point, if we got it wrong 0 points, and if we left it unanswered, a quarter of a point.

That meant that if we didn't do anything on the test, we get 25 % anyway, so we almost pass by doing nothing.

Fucking genius.

I only answered 5-6 questions that I knew were right and left the rest unanswered and passed

Hey DevRant, I'd like you to meet "Marketing Brandon", his favorite daily activities include:

- asking me when that landing page is going to be ready

- asking how to support a customer on live chat even though he chose to assign the ticket to himself in the first place

- explaining how important social media is

- telling me he's working as fast as he can on some website copy I need and then sitting and composing tweets for 40 minutes

- asking if I can "just real quickly when I get the chance" implement a huge new feature for our users

- announcing to the entire office that he "has to leave early today" because the pet store closes at 5 and his ferret ran out of food yesterday

-.-

Does your office have a Marketing Brandon or similar?

I can never forgive Apple for the iPhone X. Not because it's a bad phone or that it is overpriced. But because they missed the perfect opportunity to make the back logo the fingerprint scanner.

I mean seriously, just think about the marketing potential. They finally had an excuse to cut that hole in the back of the cover.

when you build the whole landing page, forms, php mail sender, SMTP, marketing integrations, analytics and all of that from scratch, and 1 hour before it goes live your boss tells you to change some inputs on the form.

On a digital marketing course.
Teacher:
"Web pages are made of structured content and style, that's HTML and CSS. There are also many programming languages, like JavaScript or Python, but we are not discussing those here because it's computer freaks stuff. Now let's talk about cookies..."
Me: Should I kill myself now or wait until that man stops saying shit an die killing him too...?

The marketing team at my work could be turned into an anime.

Marketing department sometimes are so Fucking annoying in the context of they " just found out certain technology" and try to enforce us to implement.

For example recently this guys just found out firebase(Firestore thingy ) and keep asking us to implement into the app (E wallet app) which our software architect refuse to use firebase( I agree with him) because in the long run , the project will definitely get surprising prices in the invoice.

Also, our DBA had started to implement Apache Cassandra .....

So dear marketing department, why don't you guys shut up and let us do our job and let our software architect do his job? Fuck off!

Tomorrow, my team will receive TV reporters for an economy magazine.
We'll have to fake a meeting and the Marketing Officer insisted that everyone has to be present.
I wanted to do teleworking on that day because of the huge strike of the public transports.
Guess who will wake up at 5:45 tomorrow morning?

Around a year ago I launched my first site in rails.

Even though the site didn't took off, I learned from it, and it was an enjoyable experience.
Well, at least some of it.

As a web developer, I enjoyed doing the web development.

Then came hosting and deployment. Pretty stressful since I'm no sysadmin/devops person, but you could say it's still in the realm of software. So I managed.

But the one part I couldn't stomach is marketing.

Partly because I have zero experience and interest in the subject, and also because I don't to be an annoying marketing whore asking people to check my site.

I have never seen a bigger cesspool than the google results of the query "how to get people to know my site".

I have seen the shadiest shit, I have read of people saying you should befriend subreddits mods/admins and then ask them the favour to let you post your stuff.

I know that contacts are important, but taking advantage to get traffic on your product? No thanks, I'll rather have a dead site.

This was pretty much the experience when googling about marketing, unethical shit everywhere.

In fact, even calling it marketing makes me feel kinda sick, but it's a thing and it's pretty much necessary to get people to know your site.

Anyhow, in a company, everyone does their role, but this is just a one man thing.

So the ideal thing would be if a marketing person (hopefully an ethical one) took care of that. How does one find one though?

I guess you either partner with one or you hire on.

The problem with partnering is that I don't know someone like that. Do people partner up with "strangers" on the internet?

I could hire too, but I'm not as affluent as being able to employ a single person for 50k a year. And I don't know how feasible it is to hire someone when your site has no revenue anyways.

Maybe there's some company that offers such servicwe? I dunno...

What are your thoughts on this?
I'll be thankful of any feedback.

When marketing gets overly excited about analytics requirements and you have more code in a page for stats than actual functionality

Marketing for us!
Can't believe they forgot closing the <html> tag. 😑

Has anybody ever met anyone in marketing that knows anything about marketing?

Adding guru or ninja to your LinkedIn job title is just peak middle class university graduate. Typically studied marketing.

"when you are filtering by [field] actually don't filter and display the stuff in the list, just make it impossible for the user to purchase at checkout."

... Why do we even have filters then? :/

I get some marketing guy believes making the user do the whole process helps sales, but...
1) In reality this just makes users not use your website and go on a competitor's
2) this is doable if you have 2-3 entries, not on 100+ entries, duh!

Any marketing advice? It’s difficult building an Instagram audience.

Any other ways to reach your targets? Are google ads any good?

Marketing email, from Stanford.

What do VPs say to justify a shitty product: “The competition is _just_ good at marketing.” 😆😆😆

Once when the marketing guys validated an offer with a client without taking the technical team estimations..
When someone gave me the work and I find the time is not enough, I said: whoever validated this, he can implement it by himself.

My experience with Google's marketing platform.
Client wants me to "drive sales", you see.

New year, new bugs, new rants but same fucking marketing shits in my job

When the marketing/ideas cofounder discovers AWS RDS and decides to do the research on his own…

What are the Terms and Conditions for marketing on DevRant?

You give out your e-mail address at a conference and they start abusing it for all sorts of marketing purposes..

Fuckers.

Marketing Person: [email] The feature you worked on is setting our customers’s statuses to “transactional.” We can’t send them marketing emails.

😒🙄

Me: [email] My code is not doing that. It checks to see if a contact exists in our mailing list. If it does, it adds the contact to the new list that you requested. If it doesn’t, it creates a contact and adds it to the list. Newly created contacts default to “onboarding.” For already existing contacts, I’m just adding them to the list and I’m not changing anything else. Here’s a blog post from the marketing software company that explains how a contact could get marked as “transactional.”

Later in the day, Marketing comes over to my desk and brings over the Product Manager. He asks the same question. 😡 Oh hell no. You do not create a gang up on me and hope the social pressure changes my answer.

Me: Like I wrote in my email, my code isn’t wrong and it’s not malfunctioning. It’s doing what you requested: add users who submit their email on x form to the new x list. In the marketing software, you can even check each contact and see when their status got changed to “transactional.” It wasn’t from my code.

I really hate marketing sometimes. Especially when they think they know how my code works. Excuse me, do you have access to our git repo? Can you read the code and point out the supposed problem? I didn’t think so. So don’t go accusing me of making a mistake or doing my job wrong.

How to sell a useless product
Include those words: #blockchain #cloud #AI #chatbot #machine_learning #bullshit ..

Having to request permission from my boss -- the director of marketing -- to install free dev-only tools.

So i made an account on this education videos android app for checking their ui. Used the name "Han solo" and... they contacted me for buying their courses!
Geek reference vs marketing logics:
Tech people: 1
Marketing dept : 🤦🏻‍♂️

Wow. They are entering the ”Full Stack” scene now into Digital marketing

Marketing team talked about doing a customer survey on digital advertising. On paper.

So I get this email from google for my development account about these new general data protection regulations and what they're doing with admob and all that good stuff.

I didn't dive too deep and there's nothing crazy in it but it definitely feels like it's spawned on by this "selling you data to advertisers thing."

We live in such a weird society where it's like outrage after outrage. I've never known anybody who has NOT known that their statistics and data was sold to third party for marketing for EVERYTHING they do on the computer or phone. For a DECADE or longer. It always seemed to be such a second hand thought but now out of nowhere everyone has their panties in a wad for something they ALREADY knew.

Are we like that miserable/bored/no hobbies/unsatisfied with our first world life that we have to just flip out about dumb crap all the time?

I changed a message (to the right one) that wasn't on the spec sheet, marketing got mad, oh boy...

WWDC or 2hours commercial
None life of code like the google io(first day)
“Developers conferences” are comming less dev and more marketing

"Who are you?"

(People from the communication and marketing interviewing a techy guy) o_O

What do you think, best or worst?

React devs.... would you ever work for the marketing team, managing their landing pages ?

*weekend *
*traveling *
*accidentally caught up with one of our marketing guys at a customer meeting in a public place *
*selling one of our POS *
*at the end of the presentation *

customer : the price is too high!!

*price was actually too high as of my knowledge about market. i was about leaving *

*our guy appears with a magic wand and makes 3 versions of that POS which I also developed as a part of team and i don't know of*

our guy: come on!! it's just the full enterprise version that i showed u. we have more blah blah versions. u don't need this, this and that. i think this blah version will suit ur needs well nd it costs lesser.
*nd sold*
*i was like wat the fu......*😲

I know some sites are tracking and collecting a lot of data for advertising. But this is fucking insane... 200!!!! for marketing? For real? Holy shit!
Fuck off already...

(A shitty Danish newspaper - can't even remember why I visited it)

"Design is the body language of your marketing. Don’t slouch." - Mark King

So I am redeveloping a website I made for work when I first started all this a year and a half ago. Part of the project was integrating with a marketing automation suite through an OAuth2 authenticated API - compounded by the fact that no one has heard of the thing, so there aren't plugins (wordpress last time, Drupal this time) or the ones that are there are woefully out of date/have no functionality.

Anyway, I've been dreading doing it. Last time it took me over a week (maybe two), and the solution was a total cludge fest - I had to do a load of stuff manually and it constantly broke anyway.

This time? Took me half a day, maybe less. All the user has to do is click a button and give the webpage permission in the automation suite (as you'd expect) and everything else is automated. It doesn't break, it doesn't fall over and it works very nicely.

It's the first time, apples to apples, I can see how far I have come, and I love it.

Now if only the API itself i am connecting to wasn't shite!

Which is better:

1. Developers who develop software writing documentation for the software they developed

2. Marketing people who market stuff writing documentation for the software the developers developed

For indie devs,

Marketing Tips? Because i am wearing that hat now.

"Design is the body language of your marketing. Don’t slouch." - Mark King

Marketing naming you application, Talent Management Cloud! WTF does that even mean?

"Marketing without design is lifeless, and design without marketing is mute." - Von R. Glitschka

What's the fine line between bragging and marketing myself as a dev?

I like many Apple products but if there's a thing I hate about that company its their aspirational marketing: they doesn't sell computers, phones, tablets, earbuds and stuff anymore, they want to sell you a "perfect lifestyle" (perfect from the perspective of Californian tech-bros) where you'll be super fit, super organized, devour self help content like no tomorrow while taking pixel perfect notes, do mindfulness and breathing exercises, juggle 5 social events a day... and all it takes to achieve that is buying "just one more device".

That feeling you get when you realize an aesthetically beautiful design is going to get replaced by something uglier because of marketing bullshit.

Thanks google for creating the illusion of an option to change the shipping address for a repair order. You even mention the new address in your notification email, but when I click on UPS tracking, I can see that you sent the shipment to the old address, which is in a different city where I can't quickly go to pick up my repaired phone. After charging an extra 95,- Euros for additional damage supposedly not covered by my warranty. Lucky you that my old phone had connection problems with the shitty Vodafone station wi-fi router, which is one of the few reasons that I still even want to use a google hardware product. Thanks google for just being slightly less wretched and mediocre than your competitors, that might grant you some more years before you will be buried in history forever. Pixel phones are just like Macbooks: high quality product and good marketing, good enough to make your customer accept everything else being bullshit. Google search is even worse, but based on the same concept: just suck a little less than your competitors but don't waste any effort trying to actually be really good at anything.

*Researching Multi-model database options for my tech-stack*

*finds ArangoDB*

*goes on homepage*

*gets greeted by a dude waving his hand and pointing towards a CTA*

*whatthefuck.gif*

*closes the pop-up*

*doesnt close, shrinks to the corner of the screen*

*dude keeps waving his hand*

*cant read documentation for 1 minute without getting distracted by an uncloseable pop-up*

*closes tab*

*crosses out ArangoDB*

Dear ArangoDB,
please invest in your product, instead of brainfarts from a marketing intern.

I have so many Android App ideas but am afraid to develop them from the fear that no one will find them because I don't know anything about app marketing. Anyone been at a similar point and has some tips where to start?

Google Analytics has such shit documentations. They switched from some analytics.js to gtag.js, but didn't update everything in the docs, so I have to guess and find how to do things the new way. Also all the issues on StackOverflow are by marketing "specialists" who don't even understand JavaScript. And debugging any of this is near useless. You just send data into a magical data layer and hope Google does what you want. It's a fucking black-box and I've no idea why nothing works. FUCKING GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT, WOOOORK!

Marketing software is similar to being a Sommelier bc it’s all about just making fancy bullshit up.

Streamlined means bastardized.

I have published my app, it is stable and functional. Design is simple but not ugly. I do not have much downloads. What can I do to make users to try it?

Our current agency website has 5 pages and a shitty design available in French and English, so I want to remake it completely, my question is: Does making it a 1 page website could result us to lose clients?

Just found Deployd (a backend for applications). First framework whose marketing slogan I actually found to be true: 'deploy in minutes'.

Marketing in other companies: we found a bug, let's make it a feature!

Our marketing: We found a feature, let's report it as a bug!

So i got this service i made for fun and learning. Theres many providers in it for money, not me, only a little (lets not lie to ourselves).
Id just like to have a handful of happy clients to make it pay for itself so i dont lose money.
I have no idea how to advertise or gain clients. Those potential clients i cling with are from US and the server is in EU, and i wont convince anyone to buy something i wouldnt buy myself.

I suck at marketing.

Happened to me today:
"So, when is GA date then?"
"I don't know, let's talk to marketing"

wtf?