When ransomeware guys provide better customer support than most companies 😂

So this fucking happened today.

Me: *sees support ticket coming in about some kind of login issue*

Me: *opens issue*

"Hello, I can't seem to login. There's an error"

Me: *sighs and thinks "at least give me that FUCKING error message then." *kindly replies with asking if they could send me the error message*

"Here it is. I don't understand what is going wrong
and what I have to do"

Me: *looks at error message*

"Invalid customer ID. Please make sure that your ID is correct. You can find it in the activation email we sent you when you registered".

😐 😶 😦

Me: *thinking okay what the fuck, are you fucking retarded or something?*

Me: *kindly replies: "It seems that you are not using the correct customer ID. You might want to look for it in the activation email we sent you!"*

"Oh okay thanks, how did you figure that out?"

Me: 😵 😐 😶 😭 🔫

Seriously what the actual fucking fuck.

TLDR : I left a company which doesn't understand the concept of email id and passwords.

Me (trying to login to the alumni website) *no register user option*

Customer support - you've to click on forgot password to create an account.
Me - Wonderful

*clicks on reset password*
*enters employee id, name, email, father's name, DOB, date of joining , date of leaving, current city because apparently if I just enter my employee id it is as if they never knew me. Sigh*
*your password will be sent to your email id*

Me - okay. *waits for two weeks because I assumed someone will manually go and create my account and email me, considering the state of system. *

After two weeks,

Me - I still haven't received my password on email after I created my account. Can you please check?

After one week,

Customer support - you need to click on forget password if you forgot your password.

Me - *inventing new curse words* I have not forgot my password, I never received it in the first place!

After one week,
Customer support - yes you'll receive your password on your email id.

Me - *runs out of curse words* seriously dude?
* proceeds to reset password*
System - your password has been reset. Your new password will be sent to your email id. *apparently anyone can reset passwords if you have the employee id, which is an integer*

After a week

Me - Am I going to ever receive the password? I've tried generating passwords, resetting my password. I never get my passwords. What should I do!!

Customer support - yes you need to click on Forgot password.

Me - are you fucking kidding me!!!
You fuckers need to be fired and replaced by a FAQ page which has no question and just a single answer, because a peanut has higher IQ than you. For any questions you may have, just reset password. Goddammit idiots!
Also, which email id are you sending my passwords to?

Customer support - myname@oldcompany.com

Me - you do realize that this is the alumni website for the company. Alumni means ex members.
Being ex members, you can assume we don't have access to our company email ids obviously?

Customer support - yes.

Me - how am I supposed to get the password using my old email id then?

Customer support - you need to click on forgot password option.

I think I should probably move to the Himalayas for my anger management issues. Plus it'll be probably easier to throw idiots off a mountain.

*code doesn't work*

-Run three times, just to be sure
-Its NOT the code, must be the project. Full rebuild.
-Run a few more times after rebuild didn't fix it.
-Google the issue.
-Stackoverflow must be wrong. The code is JUST like their solution.
-Run a few more times, but with your lucky underpants
-Reboot. Must be an operating system thing.
-Tea break. Give the issue time and it will fix itself.
-Run a few more times. Still unfixed
-Contact customer support.
-Walmart said they can't help.
-Consider writing your own language without this OBVIOUS flaw
-Kickstarter for c++++
-Raise $50,000
-Start a family
-Contact customer support again
-Run a few more times
-Now banned from Walmart
-Oh shit, missing a semicolon

Customer: I have installed Windows on my computer
Support: Yes, and ?
C: And I have problem now...
S: You already said that.

After 1,5 months of customer support as a Linux support engineer, I can honestly say:

Fuck wordpress.

Customer support story time: (swearing in Dutch because it sounds more fun but it's general swearing so no translation needed I think (will translate the non obvious parts)

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: hello, I have a question for you.
Me: go ahead!
Client: alright so.... one sec, let me turn off my music.
Client: hey Google
.
.
.
Client: hey Google
.
Client: Heeeey Gooooooogle
.
Client: HEY GOOGLE, GODVERREDOMME
.
Me: 😆
.
Client: REAGEER GODVERDOMME. "HEY GOOOOGLE"
.
.
Client: VIES VUIL TYFUS DING, LUISTEREN. HEEEEEY GOOOOOOGLE
.
.
Client: JA GODVERREROMME, LUISTER GEWOON, FUCKING KUT DING. *SHOUTS WITH ANGRY VOICE* "HEY GOOGLE HALLOOOO LUISTEEEEEREEEEEN" (oh for fucks sake, LISTEN fucking piece of shit)
Me: *desperately trying to keep it together*
Client: IK DOE HET ZELF WEL JEZUS GODDOMME *FOOTSTEPS, MUSIC STOPS* (Translation: I'll do it myself, fucking hell)
.
.
.
Client: finally, sorry for that 😅
Me: *still trying to control myself* no problem!

!Rant

Support Call:
”our PC stick isn't booting up! Come and fix it! (angry)”

Me:
”The PC are meant to boot up whenever power is delivered to them. Are you sure your TVs are powered on?”

Support Call:
”Yes! I just pressed the power button on both TVs and it didn't turn on the PC sticks.”

Me:
”So you can confirm the TVs are on? Can you change the input and see what happens?”

Support Phone:
”Stop wasting my time and send someone down to fix it now! I told you it isn't working!”

Me:
”Ok, we will get someone out to you as soon as possible.”

Then a support guy drives 2 hours to their store.

When he gets there he realizes that the TVs power is connected to a light switch and they has the switch off!!!

He said ”can we turn on some lights so I can see behind the TV?” and then all the fucking TVs came on.

These are times when I fully understand the concept of “firing a customer”.

The customer sent an email saying ”the downtime for your product was unacceptable.” even after it was explained to them that the problem was them turning off the power.

These fucking idiots actually expect us to deliver products to display on TVs without fucking electricity to run them.

So I've got a Linux related job (or, starting at monday). When people ask me what my new position is called, I'll of course tell! Well, I stutter sometimes in my native language. Especially with the letter L.

"so what's your new position?"
"Lllllll-lllll-llllllllllllllllllll"
*mother of god*
"lllllllllllllllllllllll-llllllllllllll*
*OH FFS*
"Llllllllllll-llllllllllllllllllll-lllllllinux support engineer!"
*FUCKING FINALLY!*

"Hey man, you got a new job I heard, what's your new position?"
*please work*
"Lllllllllll-lllllllllllllllll-llllllllllllllllllllll*
*MOTHERFUCKER*
"Lllllllll-lllllllllllllllllllinux support engineer!"

"ey dude, what's your new position? Heard you got a new job!"
*alright let's do this better*
"gonna do stuff with servers and customer service!"
"Ah cool! What system do they run on their servers?"

No. 😡

When the senior Linux engineer puts a terminal game on a server everyone uses which launched at login and after a little you start hearing oh's, wtf's, laughing and everything and then you suddenly have a whole room of Linux engineers playing some kinda terminal space invaders game while doing customer support.

😆

Alright so here goes, I currently work at a promising startup. Absolutely love it; nice, hard-working colleagues but there's only a couple of us so we all have to wear a multitude of hats.

I don't mind being on support duty or helping out a customer with a technical question but one thing that really gets to me is lazy people.

We have some instructional videos (made in-house by yours truly) around certain functionality in our app which can't be simplified any further and they're condensed to about 50 seconds each.

I receive an email from a customer saying that he wants the instructions in screenshot form instead of watching the video because he 'detests' watching videos.

I must admit, I was a little hurt because he dismissed my videos so easily without even watching them. Just because he really doesn't like to watch videos? I was dumbfounded.

Me putting (most of) my rustled jimmies aside, I take about an hour to screenshot and document each step of the instructions and send them to the customer with a note: Be careful, if you scroll too fast it turns into a video.

I receive a response saying he doesn't like to watch videos because he is deaf but he did admit he had a chuckle.

Morale of the story lads, keep the sass in in your IDE's and out of your customer interactions.

True story.

Mark.

Mark was a support guy who could have been replaced by a robot. Nearly every support request that came in, whether it made sense or not, had a reply saying:

"Thank you for your query, I will escalate with the development team"

...and then I would have a message saying:

"Hi Almond urgent issue case xxx - I think you need to PLEASE CHECK LOGS" (yes, with that capitalisation.)

I'd then look at the case, take 10 seconds to work out the customer had done something stupid when calling our API (often forgetting their authentication details, despite a clear message telling them as such) and tell Mark what the issue was, and how to find it for himself next time. I'd then usually get:

"Thank you but PLEASE CHECK LOGS to see if there is any more info we can provide to customer"

...there would be more back and forth, and then eventually something like the following would reach the customer...

"Very sorry the development team have a major issue they will fix very soon but in the meantime a workaround is (instructions for using authentication details)"

🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Me: my internet stopped working.
Support: Did u try plugging in your monitor?

At work today, a colleague was talking to a customer. Only maccer in the building (every other Linux (support) engineer uses Linux).
CW: ahhh we understand eachother, Mac is the way to go!
*Gets nasty looks from about all Linux engineers*
CW: I'm going to retract that since I want to make it to the end of this day alive 😅

*Everyone laughing*

Conversation with Microsoft support I had after 1 hour:

“You’ll need to wait for 15 minutes”
“By the way did you know you have 5GB free OneDrive storage with a Microsoft account?”
“I’m a customer of a 1TB onedrive plan”
“Well if you’re interested in using it, you’ve got 5GB for free” 🤦‍♂️😔

A customer calls to ask about our software, its features and its advantages and so on.
I answer him all his questions in a 45 minutes support call.
Then he decides to order the software from our website using the order form.
After 1h i get another call by the same guy saying he cant order.
I ask him why and he says that he is blind and his screen reader does not read out the form/website content.
So i filled out the order form with him together because im a nice person and customer is king. (Took me 20 minutes).
After that i ask our webdevelopers if they considered to make the website more disabled friendly.
They responded with no because it dosent matter.
Yeah fuck me right! Fuck the disabled customers we dont care.
I think thats kind of stupid but who cares right!!

I used to work in a role that was basically tech support for engineers. Folks would call, we'd look at their code and see where things were going wrong.
One customer calls in, they're having timing problems with a satellite control system.
I dig down through their code, and buried in one of the modules is a comment to the effect of:
"Once we upgrade to Windows 98, we'll need to change this call to the precision counter"

They never did.

This system was running XP.
Somehow, they'd avoided destroying satellites despite having the code run on Win98, and ME without fixing that call. It wasn't until they upgraded to a multi core system and XP that their gyros stopped responding correctly.

Holy shit.

Rant! I found a bug in payment provider's api. The bug involves sending an invalid (!) Stripe ID to that API, (which I send on purpose btw) Which causes a complete white page when you login to their systems and view the details of that customer. Btw the API will accept that invalid Stripe ID without questioning and returns a 200 status code back.

So I send a mail to there support saying "look I found this bug by accident, this is how you can reproduce it"

And the support team send me a message back saying "then don't send an invalid Stripe ID"...

You don't freaking say... *sigh*

First day on the phone as a support guy!
Before the first call came in I thought like 'please no email related issues as that's the one thing I suck at!'

Fair enough, first call:
Me: hello, how can I help you?
Customer: well, we've got this email problem...
Me thinking: MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING FUCK WHY ME 😭
Me: what seems to be the problem?

Damn, really?!

Actual rant time. And oh boy, is it pissy.

If you've read my posts, you've caught glimpses of this struggle. And it's come to quite a head.

First off, let it be known that WINDOWS Boot Manager ate GRUB, not the other way around. Windows was the instigator here. And when I reinstalled GRUB, Windows threw a tantrum and won't boot anymore. I went through every obvious fix, everything tech support would ever think of, before I called them. I just got this laptop this week, so it must be in warranty, right? Wrong. The reseller only accepts it unopened, and the manufacturer only covers hardware issues. I found this after screaming past a pretty idiotic 'customer representative' ("Thank you for answering basic questions. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for repeating obvious information I didn't catch the first three times you said it. Thank you for letting me follow my script." For real. Are you tech support, or emotional support? You sound like a middle school counselor.) to an xkcd-shibboleth type 'advanced support'. All of this only to be told, "No, you can't fix it yourself, because we won't give you the license key YOU already bought with the computer." And we already know there's no way Microsoft is going to swoop in and save the day. It's their product that's so faulty in the first place. (Debian is perfectly fine.)

So I found a hidden partition with a single file called 'Image' and I'm currently researching how to reverse-engineer WIM and SWM files to basically replicate Dell's manufacturing process because they won't take it back even to do a simple factory reset and send it right back.

What the fuck, Dell.

As for you, Microsoft, you're going to make it so difficult to use your shit product that I have to choose between an arduous, dangerous, and likely illegal process to reclaim what I ALREADY BOUGHT, or just _not use_ a license key? (Which, there's no penalty for that.) Why am I going so far out of my way to legitimize myself to you, when you're probably selling backdoors and private data of mine anyway? Why do I owe you anything?

Oh, right. Because I couldn't get Fallout 3 to run in Wine. Because the game industry follows money, not common sense. Because you marketed upon idiocy and cheapness and won a global share.

Fuck you. Fuck everything. Gah.

VS Code is pretty good, though.

TL;Dr be specific, it's actually helpful.

Client rings... "The internet is down"

Me "ok where are you exactly and how are you connecting"

"Ugh the WiFi! Just fix it"

"Ok but where are you?"

"At $companyname"

"Ok and which wi..."

"The wifi?!! Can you do anything right?"

Well... I'm allowed flexibility in terms of pleasantry...

"Ok, there are 3 buildings, 55 rooms, 2 SSID's, 17 access points, 3 routers a RADIUS server and 2 gateways... Be specific or I'll do nothing"

Simple reboot of an access point, but c'mon... It's not a secret where you are

Talking to Best Buy customer support live chat trying to price match using friend’s laptop.

Typed in “<b>Hello</b>”

Oh cool.. it comes out as bold. Let’s get a scary as fuck screamer gif and img src it.

Me: *Posts picture*
Me: *Waits a few seconds*

Me: “Did you see that picture?”
Support: “No. Sir, could you tell me the item you want to price match?”
Me: “Okay hold on.”

Typed in “<script type=‘text/javascript’>window.alert(‘OOGA BOOGA BITCH’);</script>”

Me: “Did you see that?”
Friend: “Dude stop.”

I push my friend away since I’m on his Best Buy account.

Me: “Did you see a pop up?”
Support: “No.”
Me: “Okay okay hold on.”

You have left the chat.

Actual email I just sent to a customer:

"I logged into your account and I see the problem. I will update you and have it fixed either by tonight or tomorrow morning. It is a rare bug we have encountered before, and we are working on it as you read this. "

The truth:

"Im fucking drunk right now. I know that error. I put off fixing it for awhile now hoping it wouldn't come up because it's fucking annoying to fix. I'll try to fix it tomorrow morning, k no promises though. If I can't I'll still have your problem taken cats of it just means I'll have to do it manually. Anyway.. Gonna drink some more now, bye. "

P. S. There is no we. It's just me. K bye.

Just going to come out and say it.

If you wait until 4pm on a Friday to hit me up to fix your problems, you're a fucking gangrene twat.

I won't be taking care of your shit until Tuesday you dumb bitch.

Had an interesting time these past few days. Had a customer who, when I left for vacay, was complaining that he couldn't get access to our private package registry. Get back, this issue is still active.

We'd granted access to his github enterprise, and for some reason he wasn't getting the activation email. We spent about 22 hours of customer support time on his failing to help himself before he finally escalated to the standard 40 person IT enterprise tantrum/come to jesus meeting.

Long story short, he had somehow ignored repeated attempts (35 email replies to the ticket chain, 4 phone calls) to get him to check his spam folder. In which, as it was revealed to all the hollywood squares in attendance, there were no less than 35 activation emails from github granting him access. Of course, none of this was his fault. And while screensharing his big brain to god and everyone he decides the problem is now actually Microsoft because their office 365 spam email filtered his emails incorrectly. We of course agreed with his big brain, smoothed over his bruised ego and went about our day.

I mean, fair enough, it's kind of dumb that Microsoft ever spam lists github, but still. I was just a fly on the wall, and he burned all his paid support tickets on the issue, so hopefully we won't be dealing with him again this year.

Also, this is an edge case with our new product line, most of our customers are painless.

I get a call: "Hey the site is down. Fix it!"
Worked on my workstation, not on my phone => DNS issue.

Local cache: "All OK"
ISP's DNS: "No record"
Google DNS: "Server error"
MXToolbox: "All OK"
CloudFlare DNS: "Domain? What domain?"

After a day of fucking around with configs and wanting to strangle the customer support guy, I just started pressing buttons, until suddenly, it worked. Turns out I'd accidentally enabled DNSSEC on a domain, that wasn't configured for it.

Lesson learned: There is no official DNS error code for "DNSSEC failed somewhere upstream". If you're lucky, you might get something useful out of the authoritative server, but apparently not on Mondays.

Today was hell on earth as for user support. Phone going non stop, tickets coming in faster than we were able to process.

At the end of the day I had to make a symlink for a customer which is fine. But, the day was so busy that I just couldn't focus anymore.
I've made 1K+ symlinks in my life probably but I couldn't remember if the source or destination comes first with a symlink.... The day has been hell and I just couldn't bring up a single second of focus anymore..

Fuck it, I'll do it tomorrow. I know I can do this but I don't trust myself with this right now in case of a huge webshop (swap the source/destination: webshop gone).

I think I'll thank myself for this tomorrow.

Coworker on the phone:
"There. There's the bus. Right over there. The bus full of people who give a shit.

What? You don't see it?

How *odd*.. "

Worst interview is the one that actually got me where I am today.

Its been 15 years ago, but I remember very well. Since it was a startup back then they didn't really have any job titles yet or what so ever. I applied for the role of network engineer, heck I didn't care I needed a paycheck.

5 minutes into the interview the smalltalk left the room and they started asking me questions, mainly about me as a person. Eventually it was my turn. After my first question I facepalmed so hard.. Do you guys have any SLA or documentation around here? Heard of ITIL? How is your load balancing?

They stared at me as if I was some kind of alien that had just invaded their little safe planet.. it was hilarious.

An hour later they called me to come back in and sign a contract.. from there on I kind of multi tasked my way around the first year.. bit of network support & design, customer support, sending and packaging orders after 5PM.. god we had long but awesome days.. hence, we were just the 5 of us. Nowadays we've got 150 developers out of 1019 total staff currently.. We also improved interview questions and processes ;)

Support: A customer complained about a nasty bug.
Senior Dev: There are no bugs in our software, just challenges that need to be solved.

Me doing monday morning Support because all of our fucking support members were not available.

Me: Can you navigate to the Installation path of our Software.

Customer: how?

Me: with the Windows File explorer

Customer: i dont have That

me: Explaining how to navigate to the install location (thinking: fuck my life)

This is no meme, this is an actual customer support ticket we got :)

Story time:
Yesterday I wanted to go to the theater with my girlfriend. It was her idea because as a student you can get reduced tickets for the play, but only via the online store exactely two hours before the play starts. We had already tried two weeks before but with no success. So this time I said i want to be on my pc with a proper browser and not a mobile version like last time. So we are sitting at home me in front of their website on one screen and with a clock on the other screen. Two minutes realy i hit refresh and I get a selection for the reduced tickets, nice.

You would think.

After selecting the amount. ERROR: Can not get your tickets. I was like fuck they are already sold out because it's a popular play. But hey let's try again. I got one ticket but not the second one, okay strange lets try again, same ERROR again. WHAT the FUCK, no feedback what so ever. My girlfriend had then the idea that they maybe restricted the amount for reduced tickets to one (does not state this explicitly but hey lets give it a shot). Use second browser select one ticket. ERROR can not get you the amount of seats. Rage level near to a 1000 why did it work two minutes before but not anymore. Trying around for five more minutes finally got the second ticket.

Now the real fun begins.

Proceeding to checkout should not be that hard you would think, but you need to be registered for that. Okay so let's do that. The salutation is not required neither is the address for the tickets but you need to have a company name??!!!!! The fuck?? I am not self employed and neither are a most other people around here so why is this field mandatory? Beeing a little under stress I decided to found the "asdf" company with my girlfriend.

Now one would think checking out is easy. Not so fast.

After accepting the terms of service another ERROR, unable to accept your data. What data? I did not input anything new? Where does this come from? Ok never mind I am going to pay with credid card that must work!
ERROR: Internal paymentservice initialization failure! Sorry what? I thought maybe I was to long idle in this browser and they do not reserve the tickets for so long (which would be no surprise to me at this point). Let's try again. Nope same error.

Now my rage level was really over 9000 but we really wanted to go so I decided to call the customer SUPPORT. Or better to say I had a answering maching telling me for ten minutes how sorry they are that this takes so long, yeah you bet. Then and this is now really great: the support guy asks me: "What error do you see? Internal paymentservice initialization failure?" I was like, okay he knows this so they need to know how to handle it. FUCK NO. "Sorry I can't help you. This is our payment system maybe they (IT) are doing some maintenance I can't halp you. Call the theater directly good day." Sorry what just happened, you fuckers are the vendors for the tickets for nearly all big events around here and the theater explicitly states to call you for tickets but you can not help me? Like hell.

This process took 25 very frustrating minutes and I was really angry and wanted to quit, then I saw that there is also a paypal option which I had not tried. With very little hope i selected everything for the payment, registered with paypal and they told me I already had an account. So reactivated this five year old account payed with all the mobile passwords and tans to finally, after 30 fucking minutes, get a pdf file for a ticket. Repeated the last step for the second ticket and with some time left to get there we were off.

Dear customer,
as our services are completely free and we do not get paid for working, we beg you to understand, that there are some things you have to tolerate.

1. We are DEFINITELY not going to work 24/7 for you and answer immediately anytime. Only because it's 3pm in your country doesn't mean it's 3pm in our country!

2. We will NOT waste any time figuring out your gibberish and translate your language to our language or whatever, you have to be able to understand English anyways because our website and rules and everything is English!

3. Speaking of rules, READ THEM, I'm sick of explaining to you why you are banned, what do you think FAQs are made for?!

4. STOP SPAMMING AND TAGGING ME FFS. First we have a support chat so you can leave a message there and somebody will read it eventually AND SECONDLY I'M NOT THE ONLY SUPPORTER SO STOP BUGGING ME.

5. READ THE FUCKING MESSAGES I WRITE!

geez.. I just lost it for a second... okay.. gotta go now, I got 20 new messages since I started writing this rant.

Around 27 hours at new customer location.

They had a server failure due to incompetence.

They had fired their own IT guy and called us 6 months later because the server stopped responding.

First diagnostic. 2 drives are dead in a raid 5 with one hot spare. Raid controller then proved to be broken once the disks was replaced.

Waiting for new raid controller and installing.

Backup non existing, no one changed dat tape during the 6 months without IT. The tape was just a transparent plastic band, no media left.

Raid config is stored in static ram on controller, no backup!

Several hours in tech support to find out how to rebuild raid config from existing disks.

Proves to be impossible to rebuild raid set due to some checksum failures.

More hours with support to enable some diagnostic read only mode to mirror low level content to external drive.

Then many more hours to copy parts of the tree until it gets an error, restart after that and go on.

In the end we got around 70% back.

During this time I manage to be in contact with the raid manufacturers all support centers, one in europe, one in the us and one in Taiwan, switching each time one if them closed for the night.

The customer later declined a steady support contract due to us being to expensive ;)

Some just don’t want to learn.

Peppy giving the best customer support 👌

Client : hey why does your app minimize once I receive a call? Fix this ASAP! Also why does it show *that*? I have not turned anything on!

Me : Sorry, not possible (explains), you might want to contact Google (for the lolz). Also, the feature is shown by default, you can turn it off via Menu - Settings - Navigation - xxx.

Client : Can you make the incoming call popup smaller when using your app?

Me : Unfortunately no, that's not something I can do. Contact LG.

Client : I have been to Menu - Settings - Map - XXX and the feature is still shown, why does your software not work? Also *this and that* is not shown anymore!

Me : You turned off the wrong thing... *jumps out of the window* *contemplates life* *cries* *dies*

I was told in an 1:1, quite literally, "not everybody can do what they want to do if they are not good at it..." - get fucked! The person I had to "report to" was an idiot (at the same senior level as I was) and obviously threatened.

Then moved down to customer support, where I was fired for fixing problems faster than going through the chain of levels, because I was creating quick scripts to patch the faulty data.

WTF?! Do I look like your personal Google assistant or amazon alexa?!

You messaged me to call the customer support for some doubt you have. Why can't you do it yourself?!

I then sent you a FAQ section from the website covering all the required details.

And you couldn't even bother to open the link to check there?!!!

Fuck off.

Me to customer, several years ago:
Your server is over 10 years old, and the support for it will soon be gone together with the possibility to take backups. You should upgrade your website ASAP.

Customer said:
ok, we will look into it.

This day:
Customer:
Hi, our site is down and we need backups from yesterday. Can you please fix?

Me:
Sorry, no. *send copy of the email several years ago*

I got through the first stage for a summer internship at Amazon. They send me a link to a technical test with a 7 day deadline to complete.

The link brings me to a 404 page. Fuck.

I contact customer support, reach out to Amazon directly, don't get any response whatsoever. The week has passed and the link is still dead and I s received no word from them.

FML. And fuck Amazon for teasing me like this and for having such shitty technical support.

Years ago, I was part of a project that went completely off the rails. A little context: we were a services company and we had local offices in cities all over the country. My team provided 2nd-level support which means we often had the PMs call us from those via an annoying Nextel radio.

I won’t go through the details but suffice it to say this project envolved one such branch going rogue and committing actual fraud, with criminal proceedings and all. People were on the edge, and the relationship with that branch was increasingly hostile. There was also an internal power struggle in the company between some directors at that point. In other words, a clusterfuck I’ll always cherish, if by cherish you mean hate hate hate. Anywho…

One time, there was a national holiday on a Thursday and we were going to make it a long weekend. As customary, I communicated with all the PMs about contigency plans. This PM then told us that we could not take Friday off because the customer wanted us to fly over there. We were supposed to be at the customer’s site early Friday morning. That meant we would have to fly Thrusday afternoon. I wasn’t happy.

It immediatly felt arbitrary too. As I said, the relationship was not good and we suspected he was just trying to cost us our days off. I knew enough of the customer to be fairly sure they would not have requested us that Friday. Why did the customer want us then? There was nothing yet on production and if it was just to show progress, surely we could move it to Monday. At worst, can’t we make it over the phone? No, no, no, he said. The customer was adamant that we be there on Friday. Sucked to be us.

So we flew over Thursday afternoon and on Friday morning we headed to the customer’s offices only to find it closed. They too had made it a long weekend and wouldn’t be back until Monday.

Normally I would be furious over the waste of time but to be honest, both I and my colleague smiled at that. It confirmed that the PM just tried to screw us and the customer have never asked for us. We headed back to the local office.

Before coming in, we both bought ourselves some icecream. My friend stayed in the little garden in front and I went in. The PM immediatly saw me and demanded to know why I wasn’t at the customer yet. I didn’t answer. Instead I grabbed the Nextel radio and headed back out with the PM following. I then sat down on the grass and called my director. Smiling and staring at the PM, I told him about the office being closed. The PM’s face froze when my director asked to talk to him.

We sat outside under the sun, enjoying our icecreams while the PM got shouted at. It was the best icecream I’ve ever had.

How to run a successful business:
1. Fire 30% of staff because covid, 'we can't afford you'
2. Be wrong about covid and have higher sales volume than ever
3. Be unable to handle such traffic with limited resources
4. Move EVERYONE, every fucking specialist, every non-people person to customer support and make them refund ALL disputed orders like robots because customers aren't happy
5. $?

Fiverr, so for those of you who are fortunate enough not to know what it is, fiverr is a freelance platform that takes 20% profit from well, profit made using the platform. That includes tips from buyers. It has nothing to do with what the rant is about, I just wanted to mention it.

So I had a "gig" that was doing really well, new customers every week, the analytics stated I had 2.1k impressions(and I dont even advertise). Then recently I gkt a push notification that said I needed to edit my gig, I was a bit confused. Then almost immediately after, I got an email saying my gig was taken down for copyright infringement. That made me really annoyed because all I ever made for buyers was my own code and screenshots. I contacted customer support, still waiting for a reply.

P.s. I am pretty sure this is my first rant😀

Dear customer support chaps,

I get that you can't help me with my issue. I get that you're only a subordinate of the sales people with no clue about the internals of whatever you're selling. I really get that.. if you knew, you wouldn't be sitting there, dealing with users.

However if I ask you something that you don't know, and I explicitly mention that you should please escalate this to an engineer or someone who knows the answer to my question, JUST FUCKING DO IT ALREADY!!! Put that fucking underserved pride aside for a moment, how difficult can it be?!!

THE RULES OF TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Rule #1: The Customer Lies
Rule #2: Rule #1 still applies when the customer is your coworker
Rule #3: Customers following instructions is like characters dying in a movie: if it didn't happen on-screen, it didn't happen.

fucking hostgator!

go suck a cock you developers!

everything from their payment system to their support is crap.

a few days ago, i purchased a website from hostgator, with a year of hosting during black friday weekend. i had obtained a black friday coupon code that entitled me to roughly $160 off its usual price. that said, i filled out the registration form and clicked the 'checkout' button.

right after i clicked it, i saw i forgot to put in the coupon code, and pressed the back button on my browser. then i put in the code and proceeded with checkout.

guess what?

those MOTHERFUCKING GREEDY ASS BITCHES charged me TWICE, one with the coupon and one without.

i contacted customer support and told them what happened after waiting about double the time i was supposed to be connected to support.

of course, they asked for my fucking "security" pin over the customer support live chat (totally not ironic).

they sent a confirmation email, and cancelled the payment without the coupon.

then ONE FUCKING DAY LATER, I tried to connect to my website.

MY SITE WAS FUCKING SUSPENDED.

die in a hole.

i contacted customer support once more, and after explaining the story, I had to wait four to eight hours.

i'll see how it turns out tomorrow.

die in a hole hostgator🖕

Me: *reading work order* Customer states Mac does not have sound

*Me turns on Mac, it makes the signature "BONNNNG" sound*

Me: Uh huh...

Coworker: Rule No. 1 of tech support: The users always lie

Me: True, but still! How do you miss the start up Mac sound?!

I recently got mailed by our support department.

A customer using my program experienced performance issues after updating the whole system; attached is a video recorded by the customer clearly showing the difference.

I watched the video: the old version took 20 seconds to load. The new version 26. After querying the data, it's shown in a list.

The updated version showed 61 datasets instead of 6 in the old version.

I asked the supporter if he even watched the video and he answered: sure, and I'm able to see the performance issue!

I just had a non-paying customer call me useless a total of 5 times in a support ticket.

Banning them from all of my apps might be worth a bad review.

N: Me
M: Mother

M: Can you help me? I can't update pages.

N: Sure *Checks problem* it looks like you installed it with the old apple account, you just need to reinstall it using your new one.

M: What about all my pages documents on icloud?

N: *Compares documents on mac to her other Apple devices that never had the old account* See? The documents would have to be on the new account.

M: Are you sure? I don't want to lose any documents.

N: I know, don't worry their on your new iCloud.

M: *Calls apple support*

N: *Talks to apple support who after an hour of chatting to her through me because I translate customer support to mother confirms what I was telling her*

N: Reinstalls pages and everything is fine.

I was originally going to make a post talking a bit about how people love to second guess anything I say but thought this story provides a decent example. When it's something of a personal nature or someone is asking for my opinion in genral then it's perfectly reasonable to ask multiple people. It doesn't bother me when someone asks for my help, it bugs the shit out of me when someone asks for my help and then doubts everything I say in this case even after providing some evidence to back up my claim and wasting a solid hour. If you ask for my help your trusting that I have the knowledge necessary to assist, if I don't know for certain I'll try googling the problem but even in that case calling support doesn't bother me because I clearly don't know how to help.

P.S. This was my first story, how did I do?

Yesterday I got to the point where all changes that customer support and backend asked for were set, and i could start rebuilding the old models from their very base with the changes and the new, disjoint data the company expansion brought.

So making the start of our main script and the first commit, only having that, had high importance... At least to me.

Support elevates a ticket.

Ticket: customer is getting a weird error uploading photo.

Can’t recreate. Tell support to call them back. I’ll sit in on the call.

Watch the process. Noting extraordinary...

Hmm.

Me: can you get the customer to open the pic in photo viewer?

Support asks as much.

Support: uh, he says he gets a similar error opening this photo in the photo viewer.

Me: 🤦‍♂️ that is a corrupt file!

Microsoft admits they were hacked. Explains how it worked and what happened. No big deal. companies get hacked. That's life.

Indirectly admits that all of their customer support agents have access to your inbox.

Cool. Deleting my Outlook email. Thanks guys.

!rant !dev
True story. Some years ago I worked, for a network manufacturer in the support department. One of me jobs was to help end-customer (private people) over the phone, who could not get online.

One day a 60+ year old woman called the support line, because se could not get on the Internet. And because our name was on the router, she called our support.

A colleague of mine took the call, and we could quickly see by his expression the it was "One of those calls". The minutes went by and they had gotten no closer to a solution after 45 min.

That was when I herd my colleague say "Well from what you tell, all the settings here are fine. Can you please close all the windows, so we can look at other settings". My colleague the looked weird and said, "She just told me it takes some minutes to close all the windows, so please hang on.".

After 2 min time the woman came back to the phone and said "I have now closed all the windows in the house, except one ceiling window that only my husband can reach. Hope it doesn't matter".

"I can't replicate it therefore your hotfix for the customer shouting at you is unnecessary"

WTF?! I had to lead this guy to the records where I'd replicated it myself in both the customer system and the demo one! There's a real sense that the core dev team in this place automatically disregards what the rest of us say (support had already mentioned it was replicable but clearly hadn't realised that they needed to spoon-feed this guy).

This place has a huge silo problem, glad I'm not staying much longer...

edit: these tags shouldn't be reordering themselves, not cool

So my client wants to stick with their current hosting provider (Bell) because the company is "big" and "won't go anywhere anytime soon." I just said, well okay it can't be that bad. Bell charges about 10x more and gives you about 10x less compared to other options, but it's not my money so whatever. Well, Bell has the absolute worst customer service. They have an online support form where I can type in my questions and they will call me within a day to help me. They called me during work hours and I missed the call, so they sent me an email to let me know I missed the call and gave me a number to call. I called and I might as well have called my dog because the support didn't even know what a .htaccess file is. I emailed them back and asked if they could forward my email to someone in the hosting department that could help (because the phone support I got was shit). I got a reply saying they "can't"... yup, they used the word "can't", they can't forward the email and that I would have to call. Is everyone at Bell a fucking dick chugging brainless pile of moldy-ass shit biscuits!? YOU CAN"T SEND AN EMAIL? Turns out they do have a dedicated hosting support email, let's hope the email I send ends up in front of someone at Bell who at least has a slight clue how to use a keyboard.

Dear companies of the world.

If you offer customer support over Intercom, and the officer is a cute boy, I am gonna flirt like hell.

Keep this in mind.

Or maybe you do... maybe the photos are thirst traps designed to make us more forgiving... 🤔

!rant
Theres a dead serious business application out there that if you click on customer support in a subsettingsmenu you get redirected to Rick Astleys "Never gonna' give you up"

Devrant and pickpockets

A week ago on Tuesday was heading to meet my client for a demo presentation.Once in town and few metres from our meeting point thought of checking some few rants only for my device to be snatched from my hands and the pick pocket sublimes away.
I composed myself and went to the agreed meeting point only not to meet my client and they was no way I would reach out to him.After making few rounds waiting for him finally gave up and headed for home.
Fast forward I made a resolution not to get a new device till a week ends and had to roll back to a simple device till today.
With today being the D-day I did head to my carrier to get a new device and once the phone was being set up the customer care agent asks which app do you need set up.With no hesitation I gladly say DevRant and she got no idea what's that then after some explaining she says all give it a try with a smile.
I later leave the store a happy man with DevRant being the first app on my device as I ran stock android.

Glad to be back family.

A support request came in at 4:30 this afternoon, I logged onto the server somewhat pissed off that there was a support request at this time on a Friday.

I checked the logs and noticed 500 errors coming from our integration parter after a little log checking and with glee I declared "not my fucking problem!" I replied to the customer and ccd our partner. Have fun bitches, next time deploy your new version when we fucking agreed!

Me: Hi! I'd like to apply for the front-end developer position!
Them: Mmhmm. What's your education? It involves a lot of javascript.
Me: I recently earned a certificate in javascript development for front-end, on top of my professional experience.
Them: What's you're experience?
Me: 8 years of professional front-end development.
Them: Hmm. That won't work. What about this job, Implementation Specialist?
Me: So I have to help the customer write requirements, train the customer with new software, write documentation for the customer... you want me to apply to be in customer support?

Would I have spent the last 8 years of my life learning and earning programming if I liked dealing with people?

Me irl vs how I talk to clients 😂

I had forgotten why I hated GoDaddy so much.. until today. It all came back to me.

I have been a GoDaddy customer for over 5 years now. Last year I tried out Namecheap for the first time because someone who was sending me a domain asked me to create an account on NC.

A couple of days on NC and I fell in love with the support and pricing. I started transferring all my domains to NC over the year. (30+)

Now I was left with 3 domains, 1 of them was to expire 4 days ago. but 5 days ago, GoDaddy switched it to pending mode, barring me from transferring to domain or changing any details.

today I called GoDaddy and after a loooong chat, they fucking forced me to renew my domain!! Saying that I need to renew the domain before I attempt to make any more changes!!!

FUCK YOU GODADDY! THIS IS WHY I NEVER SEND CLIENTS YOUR WAY!!!

Customer support people are weird.
They ping "Hi" and just leave it at that!

Wtf do you want me to do with your "Hi".

Is it something urgent I need to look at? Or some generic query?

But I won't fucking know that, unless I reply to your stupid context-less greeting. Because you can't bother to take an extra minute to type. Even worse when it is outside my work hours.

If I do decide to reply I am already online and lost my leverage on deciding whether it's actually urgent or not!

Fuck you Karen from support and fuck you Kumar.

And fuck you junior devs! Don't fucking "Hi. There?" me bitch! Type what you want I'll reply if it's worth it and when I have time to.

You know you've called customer support too long when you enter 133421 before you are prompted

I was supporting a legacy CRM app which front end used Visual Basic 6 and almost the entire business logic was written on SQL store procedures.

A "feature" of the product was the open code, anyone with admin access could modify forms, code and store procedures.

We also sold "official" (and expensive) consulting services to modify the code.

A long time customer owned this thing and it was heavily customized. They had hired us to change something, hired a third party to make other changes and decided to modify some stuff themselves because, why not?

Suddenly they came to product support asking to fix a bug. The problem happened on a non customized form.

After reviewing, I realized the form used several of the modified store procedures in the business layer. I tried saying we don't support custom code but my boss was being pushed and said "look into it"

All 3 parties denied responsibility and said their changes were NOT the problem (of course). Neither of them commented or documented their changes.

The customer started to threaten to sue us.

I spent 5 full days following every field on the form through the nested and recurrent SQL store procedures and turns out it was a very simple error. A failed insert statement.

I was puzzled of why the thing didn't throw any error even while debugging. Turns out in SQL 2003 (this was a while ago) someone used a print line statement and SQL stopped throwing errors to the console. I can only assume "printing" in SQL empties the buffered error which would be shown in the console.

I removed the print statement and the error showed up, we fixed it and didn't get sued
:)

CTO: Research, problem analysis, customer need validations, and data based prioritisation is stupid.

Me: So, then why should we solve this problem?

CTO: Because my team invests a lot of time in here (read "because we build a shitty system in past without thinking and we are doing it again").

Me: I don't see this as a good idea.

CTO: I become emotional when I request product to align and they don't. We must solve this problem and not what customers want.

Me: I am not participating here.

CTO: And I want you to work on weekends to support my team.

Me: *disconnects*

The joys of using overpriced enterprise software...

Me: Hey, I tried connect to the server, but I'm getting a "connection refused" error. Is it really running.
Other: hmm, I'll check
Other: The host restarted, but I'll get the software up again, no problemo
Other: I started the server again, but there's, but it's throwing errors while initializing. Time to write customer support

And then you get that premium customer support that think we don't know how to use their software at times. And once they realize we do, they don't know much better either. And once they realize we know how to use it there are 3 possibilities:
* They need our help to debug stuff before knowing what is going on
* They need to release a new version and accidentally break backwards compatibility and create enough work for us to burn through the clients contact hours
* They provide helpful advice (secret ending)

These fuck don't even release a proper changelog for their software nor their manuals.

Ok.. So I'm a student striving to be a mobile developer and since the job market is non-existent if you don't have a degree here I had to take a customer support job for the moment/until I find something better.

I was handling some purchases and ask this customer to provide me a screenshot of the receipt.
Send him steps on how to do it and a video demonstration for Android devices.
Now the great part
HE PROCEEDS TO SCAN HIS PHONE SCREEN WITH A SCANNER, PRINTS THE IMAGE AND THEN TAKES A PICTURE OF THE PRINTED FILE AND SENDS IT. HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I READ ANYTHING THERE YOU FUCKING TOMATO?!?!
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO TO TAKE THE SCREENSHOT!!!

I called customer support for an unnamed site.
I: I don't seen it when I refresh page
Support: press CTRL + f5
I: I tried, I still bad
Support: remove memory from your computer and reinsert it. Then it will go.

Wtf, Best support ever :)

I'm a bit tired of dev and applying for a customer support job for half my current income. During interview I already got promoted to technical support. Even dev job was possible, but I'm done. I've seen the wheel reinvented too much. Also, the looks of software became more important than ever and that's not something I do.

But I'm very positive now. I know the company already, they're great! Super culture! Always hired the right people and me once before as a py dev

After being live multiple years supporting only Safari, Firefox, and Chrome, one customer wanted IE support. After taking a close look at the usage numbers, and discussing with us front-end devs, our product guy shot it down. Pop the champagne!

Spent the last days trying to reach paypal tech support, hung on the phone across the globe, with people at paypal CS, who weren't even familiar with their own terminology, read tons of VERY 'straightforward' documentation and it kept me up two nights straight.

ALL because I REFUSED to believe that it is like I understood it between the lines that I read.

Today I got my answer. You can create Billing Plans (rules on which you'll base your subscriptions, i.e. amount, intervals, duration..) ONLY over the rest api, and only when a customer purchases a first subscription, you're able to EDIT the plan on Paypal dashboard!

What fuckery is that!? You have a edit form, but you can not provide a create form?! TY paypal for making me build a whole billing plan manager for usually a one time transaction per website.

I AM SENDING YOU MY PHONE BILL.

On my last project the customer gave really high reviews and asked me back as a senior engineer. First day back I meet the new PM and ask what I'll be working on.

He responds, "We have a printer that's not working..."

Of course I'm like wtf but then it quickly becomes apparent I'm writing the interface instructions between the software and printer....

Still, I'm back as over priced tech support to fix a printer!

Fucking lazy customer support that files bugs with "<some functionality> is not working" with no steps to reproduce or any other description of the issue, deserve to die in the same hell as it is figuring out the rest of the details.

Hey from Ireland folks. Currently trying to get myself into Dev. Ten years of customer services. 7 in technical support. Now supporting developers for 5 languages. Nice to meet ya'll

Rant!

Been working on 'MVP' features of a new product for the past 14 months. Customer has no f**king clue on how to design for performance. An uncomfortable amount of faith was placed on the ORM (ORMs are not bad as long as you know what you are doing) and the magic that the current framework provides. (Again, magic is good so long as you understand what happens behind the smoke and mirrors - but f**k all that... coz hey, productivity, right?). Customer was so focussed on features that no one ever thought of giving any attention to subtler things like 'hey, my transaction is doing a gazillion joins across trizillion tables while making a million calls to the db - maybe I should put more f**king thought into my design.' We foresaw performance and concurrency issues and raised them way ahead of the release. How did the customer respond? By hiring a performance tester. Fair enough - but what did that translate into? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hiring a perf tester doesn't automagically fix issues. The perf tester did not have a stable environment, a stable build or anything that is required to do a test with meaningful results. As the release date approached, the customer launched a pilot and things started failing spectacularly with the system not able to support more than 15 concurrent users. WTF! (My 'I told you so' moment) Emails started flying in all directions and the hunt for the scapegoat was on (I'm a sucker for CYA so I was covered). People started pointing in all directions but no one bothered to take a step back and understand what was causing the issues. Numero uno reason for transaction failure was deadlocks. We were using a proprietary DB with kickass tooling. No one bothered to use the tooling to understand what was the resource in contention let alone how to fix the contention. Absolute panic - its like they just froze. Debugging shit and doing the same thing again and again just so that management knew they were upto something. Most of the indexes had a fragmentation of 99.8% - I shit you not. Anywho, we now have a 'war room' where the perf tester needs to script the entire project by tonight and come up with some numbers that will amount to nothing while we stay up and keep profiling the shit out of the application under load.

Lessons learnt - When you foresee a problem make a LOT of noise to get people to act upon it and not wait till it comes back and bites you in the ass. Better yet, try not to get into a team where people can't understand the implications of shitty design choices. War room my ass!

I'm actually a Dev, mostly just a shell scripter who needs to support 500 servers which run our applications. I install the new versions and check whatever is wrong if there are customer issues.
One release weekend everything went wrong, Development had to make new builds on the fly with hardly any time for testing.
It took 18 hours with no break.
It was extremely hard to concentrate, but being in the Skype group with everyone and finally getting everything fixed was quite rewarding.
Everyone just opened a beer and we stayed on the call for about 30 more minutes just to relax.

I like our Dev team way better than I like my actual colleagues, who merely mess things up and call me for the smallest thing without even thinking.

Classic support ticket:

Me: "Uh... those numbers in your screenshot look right"

Customer: "Well it wasn't yesterday, looks like it is fixed now"

Me: "...."

-closes ticket-

We need you to support IE7, IE8, IE9, IE10, Firefox, Chrome, and Opera. Also since the customer may one day want to use tablets start thinking about that. And if possible don't break IE6 compatibility.

I once had to deal with GoDaddy customer support telling me their servers only support putty for SSH.
Well, fuck you! I use Linux and I SSH with a single command in terminal, no doubt putty is great but get your senses straight that putty is not the only way to SSH when you are being customer support for a tech company, don't just fucking recite a phrase list. Besides, they should understand Windows with putty is not the only way to SSH into servers, juicessh via Android, openssh via Linux, etc...

*btw, before you all rant about me buying from GoDaddy, I was lead dev for a startup few years back and they had already bought it from GoDaddy. Ofcourse they also provide free offers along with an order, which often includes email addresses, annoying support, gut-wrenching quality of service access...

Tfw you accidentally chmod'ed the entire root of your cloud server, because you've misplaced a "/".. Thank god, that there is such a thing called a 'backup'.

The amount of sweat and stress I had when the SSH disconnected and I couldn't log back in, the Apache and MySQL services that began to throw failures..

It's on moments like this, that you really appreciate the 24/7 customer-support! 😂

And all this while I was at my job, working for another company..

The next time a customer calls. Use one of these replies:
- It works on my PC
- You're using the wrong right-click
- You're scrolling the wrong way

So I work for an ISP in the customer support center and we use slack for communication... As you can tell by my starred channels; we do plenty of work...

(Yes, potato is dedicated to nothing but potato)

I hate lying customers.

Today a customer opened a support ticket related to his website account. Apparently he is losing his session right after the login success.
I've debugged everything, checked all logs and couldn't reproduce it.
I know every bit of business logic on the website by heart.
The only explanation could be that his browser either doesn't allow cookies or expires them after page change.
So I asked him to check.
"Yes, cookies are allowed in my browser" he wrote.
Well... fuck me... I will change the code to put the session ID in the URL as well. If it works - and I'm 100% sure of that - I will personally mail him a collection of the finest turds.

I have a new boss who was hired today. Well, I guess he's supposed to be a 2nd in command to my current supervisor, but I still have to report to him too I guess.

This dude is a high-sodium seasoned dev, and the kind who thinks anyone who's been in the industry less than 15 years should be at best a test engineer or thrown into the 7th ring of Customer Support.

Ugh. I'm now out of gin, which was my backup to my scotch. And this prick expects me to have a PR ready for him to review on a whole new application I've been working on for the last 2 weeks by midday tomorrow. And today was his first day.

!rant
Wish me luck! Just landed a new exciting job as full stack developer! Finally I get to do what I truly want!!!
I can't express how happy I am right now! Finally done with being a supporter!! (was originally hired to only manage Windows servers and not doing external customer support)

This morning, I felt pretty good. I had a healthy breakfast and I took the longer U-bahn journey into work so as to enjoy the Autumn scenery. I get to my desk after greeting my colleagues with the customary "Guten Morgen" and I began to plan my work for the day. I see there is a new ticket assigned to me which relates to a HTML issue. The customer support team are able to use a HTML editor to made changes to a section of a user's dashboard and from time to time, I get asked to fix their mistakes. Usually, it is something small, but it makes me cringe every time I see the markup. "Tables...tables everywhere!!!", sighed the once happy dev.

Time for a coffee break and a sit-down with the support team

Pro Tip: If you're working Tier 1 tech support, before you start reading your script to the caller, be sure to let the caller complete at least one sentence to tell you what steps he's performed and what the error message is vs. what you're thinking it is. That'll save you from a lot of grief with your boss who will ask you why the customer was screaming at you on the call recording to SHUT UP FOR A SECOND SO I CAN FINISH TELLING YOU WHAT THE PROBLEM IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My coleague's story

- before leaving after long day at the office final look at support cases (after official support hours)
- sev1 ticket logged an hour ago, noone called us (although should have; after support hours)
- angry manager calls and demands to get in touch with the client immediately (we're already after support hours, FTS should pick the case, not us)
- we reach out. Customer has business-impacting case
- after initial info gathering: some cert got expired, they got a new one and placed it in the app's directory. The app still does not work
- the first question we ask: "are you sure you have placed it in the right directory?"
- "yes, we are sure. No problems there" - answers a voice with indian accent
- noone finds the root cause for hours.
- It's already 1am
- someone from client's specialists comes up with an idea: "are we sure the cert is in the right place? Let's try to move it to the same directory the old one was in the first place"
- .................................................
- production is working again
- "Why didn't anyone from support suggest this?!?!"
- .................................................
- 2am. Case solved, manager is informed everything's allright now.
- In the morning we get yelled at by the manager bcz we supposedly missed a sev1 ticket and were incompetent during the conf. call

This reminds me why I stay away from support. And why I started hating people. And why I do not work with indians (our ways are too different for me to stay sane and not to kill anyone).

I work as a customization and integration developer. Two months ago a customer opened a support ticket with an issue they encountered. I fixed it and released the new package. Today they opened a new ticket on the very same issue. Turns out they never even installed the fixed version.

I've worked in a lot of customer service jobs and the more i have to deal with client, the more story starting to pile up. But something always come back and it's frustrating. The entitlement people have. I work as a Technical Support agent and for the most part i'm actually happy to help people with fixing their problems. But once in a while i always get that idiot that doesn't do anything i told him, blame me because "my fixes" don't work or just straight up don't listen to me and think they know better. Why the fuck do you call me if you need help if you're going to ignore everything i say and act like a fucking children. I'm not the one that call for technical support.

I know this place is more for Dev, but i'm sure those kind of things happen all the time when a client think he know more than the dev themselves...

Ever had a day that felt like you're shoveling snow from the driveway? In a blizzard? With thunderstorms & falling unicorns? Like you shovel away one m² & turn around and no footprints visible anymore? And snow built up to your neck?

Today my work day was like that.. xcept shit..shit instead of pretty & puffy snow!!

Working on things a & b, trying to not mess either one up, then comes shit x, coworker was updating production.. ofc something went wrong.. again not testing after the update..then me 'to da rescue'.. :/ hardly patch things up, so it works..in a way.. feature c still missing due to needed workarounds.. going back to a and b.. got disrupted by the same coworker who is nver listening, but always asking too much..

And when I think I finally have the b thing figured out a f-ing blocker from one of our biggest clients.. The whole system is unresponsive.. Needles to say, same guy in support for two companies (their end), so they filed the jira blocker with the wrong customer that doesn't have a SLA so no urgent emails..and then the phone calls.. and then the hell broke loose.. checking what is happening.. After frantic calls from our dba to anyone who even knows that our customer exists if they were doing sth on the db.. noup, not a single one was fucking with the prod db.. The hell! Materialised view created 10 mins ago that blocked everything..set to recreate every 10 minutes..with a query that I am guessing couldn't even select all that data in under 15.. dafaaaq?! Then we kill it..and again it is there.. We found out that customers dbas were testing something on live environment, oblivious that they mamaged to block the entire db..
FML, I'm going pokemon hunting.. :/ codename for ingress n beer..

Ever had that frustrating moment that the customer overreacts a small issue into a big issue? Just happened to me today.

Client: "Hey can you check why we are not getting any software update/patches to our firewall?"
Me: "OK. Lemme check"
** Checking **
Me: "I found that its not getting the latest updates because the license file registered has a product serial # mismatch with their support site. You can see it clearly here..."
Client: "THAT'S TERRIBLE!! QUICK!! MAKE IT A PRIORITY 1 ISSUE AND HAVE IT RESOLVE ASAP!!!"
Me: *Facepalm*

Customer support be like

When customer support calls with a complex issue and wants a guaranteed fix date for a defect you haven't even investigated because "they need to get an answer back to the customer TODAY."

A story from around 2005:

Customer laying out specifications: “We expect this software to need to last 25 years or so, and it will need to keep historical file processing data by dates for at least that long, assume storage is no issue.”

Devs at the time: “look best I can do is support that start with 200 or 201, anything else is really too much to ask. Also understanding how to work with dates at all and not just string manipulation is waaaaayyy hard yo.”

Fuck you lazy motherfuckers. This is why people thought Y2K would be a problem.

Today I bought some parts at Conrad Electronics (they have a blue logo) and wore a blue shirt.
I got asked for technical support a total of five times.😅

story time:
I use onedrive for sharing some files and shit. So one day one of my folders, which I got from a downloaded zip, caused an error "files couldn't be synced because of unallowed character in the title".
Turns out there was a space at the end of the folder title. I change the name, I get some error.
"Okay, no problem, I don't need that folder anymore anyway" So I delete it, doesn't work, the error message reads "Can't delete folder because it no longer exists.". "What the hell" try deleting it some more. Emptying it before deleting. Deleting the parent folder. I try formatting it before deleting. Nothing works.
Deleting from the online onedrive client causes it to briefly disappears but refreshing places it back right where it came from.

So I resort to my last hope, customer support.
I explain the whole thing.

I get a reply. Oh boy.

I get explained that if the recycle bin is full, the file will be placed back.
After that, I get an explanation on how to remove a file xD

Thanks OneDrive Team, really helpful.

Client told me that they have two workers with very similar names (one letter difference) and customers constantly send emails to the wrong person because of this.

She asked me if there is anything I could do to fix this?

What the hell am I supposed to do? Tell one of them to get their name changed?

So I work for a VPN company as the Info Sec manager long story short I'm not usually the pleb who does customer support.

But today I ended up having to do this. I spent over 1 hour helping a client that a support agent escalated the request for to me. So I figure out that his network adapters are sharing incorrectly.
I fix problem.
He tries to connect.
Denied access so I check our servers for the request and he's blocked.
I think that's odd.....

I check active subscription and this person ISNT A CLIENT THATS ACTIVE....

WHY IS SUPPORT SO IGNORANT.
UGH.

One of my old company's customer seriously asked the support what's the difference between ">=" and "="...

Support should have answered that one is faster than the other :D
But life must be hard enough anyway...

Getting a ticket that a feature is having problems when you triple-click it. Otherwise it works fine.

I'm so close to write them simply back: "Then don't fuckin do it?"

Sony.

I don’t *hate* them, but I had really high hopes for Xperia smartphones back then, five years ago.

So I saved up and bought one. That’s what I got:
1. It was getting slower and slower
2. Micro usb broke just months after I got the smartphone
3. Sticky fragile screen with absolutely no oleophobic coating
4. NO UPDATES TO KITKAT AND LOLLIPOP! They just left us behind!

5. The main reason.

I catch moments with my camera. For me, camera is a vital feature, the most significant factor.

I once needed it really urgent and it just said “Camera is unavailable”. And that’s all. Camera is gone forever, broken. Factory reset haven’t fixed it.

You, alongside with Meizu, turned me away from android irreversibly and forever. When I heard about no update, I literally felt abused. Just like a girl whom random fuckboy made a proposal to, fucked and then left just months later.

With that level of customer support, basic respect to me as a user and buyer and that level of quality control, fuck you and your sloppy bricks you call smartphones. Maybe things are changing now, but I don’t care anymore and hardly ever will.

P.S. it heats up as hell, fucking pocket stove

Do not touch Salesforce.

Especially Salesforce Marketing Cloud.

It is a fucking joke this product even exists. Buy Hubspot instead. Marketing Cloud is the single worst piece of software I have had to implement out of 4 years working in software and a lifetime working in tech.

Literally nothing works. You click a button and bam, nothing. The UI actively lies to the user. Nothing is guaranteed to work and support is some guy in India who shrugs his shoulders and walks away. Things will randomly break and warning messages are tiny, indecipherable babble that mean nothing.

If you are dev, walk away. If you are a potential customer, walk away. This company DESERVES a bad reputation for the absolute heap of dogshit that is Marketing Cloud.

The worst part is that it's likely going to affect my job and my career because of how fucking dogshit it is.

Fuck Salesforce in case the messaging isn't clear.

Alrighty, saturday morning rant time!

I just recieved a mail from one of my not-so-much-loved colleagues.

Now Background first: I work in IT-Support. We provide services for other companies. One of those services is monitoring servers and clients for various things. I recently took over the project (was assigned to do it) and restructured everything, wrote new scripts to test more stuff, successfully tested it internally and rolled it out over the last 2 weeks.

Now one of these scripts hooks into the Windows Update API and looks at the update history. It filters for known Windows Update Agent strings (UpdateOrchestrator, AutomaticUpdates and AutomaticUpdatesWuApp in case you also want to do something like this) and then looks for installation errors over the last 24 hours and wherever there have even been any successful updates over the last one and a half months.

Back to that mail.

My colleague sent me this lovely mail about a ticket i opened about his customers servers beeing all out-of-date on updates.

"This is all wrong, everything's fine. I disabled the checks."

...

It's on bitch.

So i logged on to my work PC via TeamViewer, opened my script, connected to the customer and was ready to debug the shit out of my script, knowing i probably won't even need to.

I looked at the update history via Windows Update itself and behold: 1st April. That's almost 50 days in the past.

So the script works, go figure.

Great, so search for new Updates then.
>None found.

Hm. What could it be? Did my super special colleague forget to care about his very special totally-needs-WSUS-customer WSUS again?

Yup.

Online-Search finds a ton of new Updates.

Screenshot, write pissed mail to colleague, re-enable checks, breakfast.

I've been a Macbook user for over a decade, after the initial disappointment of the 2016 MacBook Pro release I decided to move to a PC, against my better judgement I decided to buy a new Dell XPS 15, after reading all the reviews praising it's build quality and performance + it seems to have good hardware for Linux compatibility.
Soo much regret, I couldn't be more disappointed, it's such a piece of shit, I admit I probably got a bad egg, but dealing with Dell support is like pulling hairs from my testicle sack. If I have to pay an extra $500-$1000 on my next laptop for an "Apple Tax" to get a product that has been through proper quality control and has awsome customer service so be it, last time I try something new.
BTW I'm not a PC hater, I just wish more companies made high quality products.

So I tried to bye a ticket from mobile app which seems not to be working so I contacted tried to contact the customer support team from twitter because they were not picking their phone and this is the response I got. How the fuck am I supposed to know who made it ?😡😡😡I wasted hole day to argue with them.

Some customers are nice.

Ive been working with a customer to enable a feature in the database. It was tough, because the escalation from support was your standard 'Customer wants apples in the T-1000, please do the needful'. After several emails back and forth we reach an agreement about what needs to be done.

This is something I'm sure can't be done. I test it in my local install, yep, confirmed that's normal behaviour. The customer, however, is stalwart - he's suggesting changes to the database that would potentially give him what he needs. I figure if he's going to this much effort, I'll confirm with our product specialist to see if there's a way around it.

Five minutes later I'm emailing the customer with an apology as I have unwittingly never known of, or committed to memory, the existence of a distinctly non-hidden check box that enables this exact function. I pass this box several times a week at least, and I've worked on this software for two and a half years. Never have I needed to use it, so my brain just processed it as background imagery.

The customer just responded with the kindest email absolving me of my sins, thanking me for my humbleness and for my time.

I want him to have more problems so I can work with him more.

When you share some code with someone who knows NOTHING about computers. So frustrating!!

(Not my picture)

So after fucking around with me and promising me that I'd be first call if a position opened up but then hiring someone who didn't even show up for there previous interview, one of them messaged me saying a local ISP is looking to fill customer support positions...

Ho ho ho ho! Fuck you buddy! :-D

Working more than 5 months for our new web site. And considering lots of cool stuff and useful features. Just after the launch one customer called our support to notify that our site has been hacked.

A client's site got malware infected, so we decided to remove everything and replace the site with a fresh WordPress installation (very basic site with 4 pages of content).

Contacted iPage live support asking them to check and unsuspend the account (with no files on it), but they kept on insisting that I buy their "firewall" and "SiteLock" services, with zero reply related to suspension. I've had live chat with many other hosting companies, never had such a lousy fucked up conversation. Without providing technical support, they keep marketing their useless expensive services. Fuck you iPage, you just lost a customer.

After a rough exit from one company, I was diverted into Ops just to continue to have food on the table and keeping the lights on. This, over time, unfortunately made me more or less unemployable as a dev again. Got stuck in that place 13 years doing almost no professional coding.

During the last 5 years I took courses, got side jobs writing articles and tutorials, went to interviews and generally worked hard to get the fuck out of ops and into development again.

After getting to choose between level 1 customer support and quitting in a re-org, I quit without having a new gig. I got a lucky break through someone I'd worked with earlier to start a junior position working on some legacy systems with legacy tech.

After all that work late nights churning away using up my passion for coding, I now can't make my self pick up even Advent of code or Hacktoberfest... My passion is dead... I hope I get it back, but for now I fill my spare time with my guitar...

I wanted to get Linux since I'm collaborating with my brother and he uses it, so it will be easier to help him. Wasn't working. Emailed Razer customer support. Apparently my $2,150 laptop doesn't support Linux.

"I can't download the images when I'm offline" - Customer asking for support..

Continuing my rant from Yesterday....
As I was strolling though Walmart yesterday...
Tech Support 1: $Customer is having issues with their tablet they bought from us.
Tech Support 2: tell them to shut it off and shut it back on
Me: ❓

customer support masterclass from iVPN:
— why your app is not available in russia?
— our app is not available in russia because laws
— yes, but russian laws allow vpn services
— our app is not available in russia
— but all your competitors' apps are available
— our app is not available in russia

that feeling when an inanimate object could do a better job than this human being. ffs

Got a call for a software developer post. Arrived early.I was surprised that there were prolly 15-20 people at the lobby waiting for their schedule. When it was my turn, I introduced myself and discussed some of the projects I did. The interviewer interrupted me and told me that she was interviewing for customer support. I immediately left the room after being informed that I was a fresh grad applying for a developer position.

My boss just upgraded our customer support level with a company we depend on, but I'm not allowed to use any of our 40 allotted phone support hours for "code questions" because "we might need them for something later on".

Hey support, if you just copy and paste entire paragraphs from me of informal language which I've written with you as the intended recipient to help you understand what's happening, and send that to the customer, tell the customer you're waiting on me, tell my boss you're waiting on me, when the messaging clearly demonstrates that I'm waiting for you to liaise with the customer and get specific information, then really you're just making our company look incompetent and me look lazy, when those things apply to you.

At a previous job I had, there was a bug in the payment code, we did not know anything was wrong until the customer support team began receiving some crazy emails stating that our company emptied their bank account. Then we investigated further and thousands of customers had their banks emptied. So the payment team went big hunting, found the problem to eliminate further chaos.

Unfortunately the person responsible for this huge screw up was not fired immediately, but did resign soon there after.

TL;DR: intel stripped the hosted network function from the drivers for my wifi chip. Older versions can still so it

Every month I travel by bandbus to neighbouring countries for a show.
This usually takes 7+ hours.

So i have my laptop with me and if my brother is along as well, we game in the bus.

Using a cable for internet connection isnt handy, since we sit on opposite sides of the bus. So i looked up if I can use a hosted wifi network for this.

We both checked out our drivers and both said no hosted network support.
And some posts on the internet said that customer support told them that the chip can't do it

But thats weird. My laptop is high end. So I searched a little only to find out that I can do a hosted wifi network if I DOWNGRADE my drivers.....

Fuck you intel. Fuck you hard for stripping that function from the drivers

Support asked me to help. Issue at customer side I don't realy care about (Not reproducable)
She told me to wait 3 minutes.
Since 10 minutes I'm waiting for her to be ready and reading meanwhile on devrant. Great Workingtime 👍

Customer CCs me and some other devs:

"Why isn't there a support ticket on this? I didn't get an email about a support ticket opening!!!!!!!!"

-check's email-

To: donotreply@......

¯\_(⊙_ʖ⊙)_/¯

So, we (I'm the backend guy and work with a UI dev) are building this product portfolio management tool for our client and they have a set of 250 users. The team has two point of contacts for the 250 users who maintain the master data, help users with data quality, tool guidance, reporting and other stuff. So one day one of these two support users come to me and say : Hey I'm not able to add new transactions coz a customer is missing.

We have the provision to create / maintain customers.

I check the production DB, application code, try creating the customer and then the transaction, everything works perfectly fine.

I ask the user for a screen sharing session, the user starts reproducing the error like this :

We have a 3 system landscape - Dev / Test and Prod

U : Logs into the test system url, creates the customer.

U : Points out the toast saying customer creation is successful.

U : opens a new tab, opens the production system, tries creating the transaction, searches for the customer and says " see !! cant find the customer here ! the master data management apps never work !! "

FML?.

rant, !dev...

NEVER BUY ANYTHING THAT COST MORE THEN $5 FROM ALIEXPRESS....

I CANCELLED AN ORDER LIKE 1HR AFTER I PLACED IT, 3 DAYS AGO... I JUST GOT NOTIFIED THE ORDER IS NOW SHIPPED....

ALSO SEEMS MOST THINGS ON THERE A CHINESE RIPOFFS... BEING MARKETED AS QUALITY GOODS....

Oh and their customer support is really sketchy... they said they'll try to get me a refund... But as I was taking to her, I also placed a dispute on my credit card "just in case"

A dev life in Queen songs:

„A Kind of Magic“ - Build successful
„A Winter’s Tale“ - Key Account Manager visits customer
„Action This Day“ - Release day
„All Dead, All Dead“ - System down
„Another One Bites the Dust“ - kill -9 4711
„Breakthru“ - 10 hour debuging session
„Chinese Torture“ - Microsft Office
„Coming Soon“ - Client asks for delivery date
„Dead on Time“ - shutdown -t 10
„Doing All Right“ - How's the progress on the new feature?
„Don’t Lose Your Head“ - git push -f
„Don’t Stop Me Now“ - In the zone
„Escape from the Swamp“ - Hand in resignation letter
„Forever“ - while(1)
„Friends Will Be Friends“ - friend class Vector;
„Get Down, Make Love“ - No rule to make target "Love"
„Hammer to Fall“ - Release day
„Hang on in There“ - 2 weeks until release
„I Can’t Live With You“- Microsoft
„I Go Crazy“ - Microsoft
„I Want It All“ - Google
„I Want to Break Free“ - free( (void*) 0xDEADBEEF );
„I’m Going Slightly Mad“ - Impossible feature requested
„If You Can’t Beat Them“ - Impossible feature promised by sales
„In Only Seven Days“ - Impossible feature ordered
„Is This the World We Created...?“ - Philosphic moments
„It’s a Beautiful Day“ - Weekend
„It’s a Hard Life“ - Weekday
„It’s Late“ - Deadline was last week
„Jesus“ - WTF?
„Keep Passing the Open Windows“ - Interprocess communication
„Keep Yourself Alive“ - Daily struggle
„Leaving Home Ain’t Easy“ - Time to get up and go to work
„Let Me Entertain You“ - Sales meets customer
„Liar“ - Sales
„Long Away“ - Project start
„Loser in the End“ - Dev
„Lost Opportunity“ - Job ad
„Love of My Life“ - emacs/vim
„Machines“ - Computer
„Made in Heaven“ - git
„Misfire“ - Unhandled exception at Memory location 0xDEADBEEF
„My Life Has Been Saved“ - Google drive/Facebook
„New York, New York“ - Meeting at customer
„No-One But You“ - Bus factor = 1
„Now I’m Here“ - Morning rush hour
„One Vision“ - Management goals
„Pain Is So Close to Pleasure“ - NullPointerExcption
„Party“ - Delivery completed
„Play the Game“ - Customer meeting inhous -
„Put Out the Fire“ - Support hotline
„Radio Ga Ga“ - GSM/GPRS/UMTS/LTE/5G
„Ride the Wild Wind“ - Arch Linux
„Rock It“ - Linux
„Save Me“ - CTRL-S/CTRL-Z
„See What a Fool I’ve Been“ - git blame
„Sheer Heart Attack“ - rm -rf /
„Staying Power“- UPS
„Stealin’“ - Stack Overflow
„The Miracle“ - It works
„The Night Comes Down“ - It doesn't work
„The Show Must Go On“ - Project cancelled
„There Must Be More to Life Than This“ - Philosophic moments
„These Are the Days of Our Lives“ - Daily routine
„Under Pressure“ - 1 day until release
„Was It All Worth It“ - Controlling
„We Are the Champions“ - Release finished
„We Will Rock You“ - Sales at customer
„Who Needs You“ - HR
„You Don’t Fool Me“ - Debugging session
„You Take My Breath Away“ - rm -rf /
„You’re My Best Friend“ - emacs/vim

Hey DevRant, I'd like you to meet "Marketing Brandon", his favorite daily activities include:

- asking me when that landing page is going to be ready

- asking how to support a customer on live chat even though he chose to assign the ticket to himself in the first place

- explaining how important social media is

- telling me he's working as fast as he can on some website copy I need and then sitting and composing tweets for 40 minutes

- asking if I can "just real quickly when I get the chance" implement a huge new feature for our users

- announcing to the entire office that he "has to leave early today" because the pet store closes at 5 and his ferret ran out of food yesterday

-.-

Does your office have a Marketing Brandon or similar?

love it when client supports comes to me and tells me the entire conversation they had with a client when i just need wathever request they had. i could have been done with this feature in the time you took giving me 90% useless information.

soo after finishing 1 year of my 2 yr CS program, i moved back to my hometown so my partner wouldn't have to keep commuting for her career. couldnt get a cs job here with no experience and only 1 yr of school and like basically no portfolio to show for myself, i took a customer service job in a tech company with a lot of support for career pathing.

end goals are to end up working for their software dev team, mid goal is to switch into their web dev team from customer service since the career pathing is WAY easier from customer service to web dev, then web dev to sw dev rather than customer service straight to sw dev

so in the meantime i need to be practicing and building my portfolio but FUCK i have NO motivation and with coronavirus fucking up my life and everybody elses all i wanna do at the end of the workday and on weekends is melt into my bed in a semi-comatose state

i woke up early today to get some work done on my portfolio but all im doing is watching grey's anatomy and playing mobile games

i used to feel so motivated and excited to code but the excitement is gone and now even doing stuff for myself is a lot more like work than play

just need to rant it out rn

So I am broke and can't buy a vds, I installed Termux on my android phone instead. Now I have a portable server that is capable to recieve calls and transmit sms for logs.

BUT, then I had to go to customer support due to case makes the phone get short circuited şn random times. Obviously they deleted all info and Samsung Cloud doesn't backup other users' data. (Termux emulates a terminal running on another user, which is not root by default)

Can anyone teach this teenager how to use tar properly? :D

The customer support team in my company just put a shit description about the issues and expect the devs to solve it. The screenshot is in a German language that is officially said to be not used in the company yet it is still used. The zendesk has no images or context. Do these customer support think we are magicians?

For me it was not do much a choice.

I started out using basic and simple text display (graphics existed but was quite difficult).

For a long time I was the sole or part of a pair of devs so specializing was not possible and once we grew to such a size I already was quite proficient in all areas from hardware to customer support and education.

But from that time onto today I have gravitated towards a more backend role mainly because I lack a good sense or visual design.

I know it something looks good, but doing it my self results in more boring or plain designs where more thought goes into UX than nice looking design.

That said, if we do web applications I can still keep up since it usually is more ux heavy ;)

But when it comes to adding background images, nice color sets and such I gladly defer that to colleagues with a better design sense.

Customer service my ass. I wouldn't even call it service. All you could do is check if it's working now. Of course it's​ working... I've​ just told you it's fucking working 2 minutes then inaccessible for fucking 10.

And when I tell you that your service had began to loose quality in the past few months you just sit there in FUCKING SILENCE. MOTHERFUCKER JUST TELL ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT... OR SORRY... OR GO FUCK YOURSELF, NOT MY JOB... I DON'T FUCKING CARE JUST DON'T SIT THERE IN SILENCE UNTIL I HAVE ENOUGH AND HANG UP... I WASN'T EVEN SHOUTED TO HIM. I was disappointed but not angry... Not until you decided to just ignore me, fucktard...

Needless to say just when I hung up it stopped working again. -.-

Well here it goes,

I started out in customer support (A lot of stuff to tell here).

1.
One of my colleagues would come to work drunk, like every day he would smell of boze (the hard stuff 80%+). When a customer got on his nerves he endet the call and threw his Keyboard across the room. He worked in the company 3+ Years after I left.

2. Another colleague would connect to his Personal Computer at his home and play WoW while at work ( Allthough the man was a genius with a lot of free time, until a new task was assigned to him)

3. My Boss at the time did some really shitty things. I worked 17 hour days (while I was 18) for a week, and at the end of the week he shredded the accrued overtime with some Bullshit Explanation. (I did not stay long after this shitshow happened).

4. A dispatcher who sent our technicians out scheduled their tasks so that they were on the road for weeks and did not see their families. This led to a very strong turnover among technicians.

And yes, this company still operates today.

I will NEVER work in customer support. When my friend said that, I thought ,,it can't be that bad". Now I understand him. Well, once you experience how it is talking with that idiots... Two fucking senceless hours. Words cannot explain how much i hate it.

Worst mistake I have made is accidentally wiping a database table by messing up a SQL script. This was caught after it had been deployed to around 30 customer sites, most of which had no technical staff on site, and we didn't have remote access to. I bought our support team cookies for fixing that one.

Every week since I started the company:

Boss "We need a special feed of resources for this customer."
We say "Great let's build support for custom feeds."
Boss says "Could we just hard code that resource in really quickly?"

This week:
Boss says "Could you make a system that dynamically let's me know what resources has been hard-coded in all special feeds, and that alerts me when a resource goes offline".

Now what should we respond?
Help us out! Best suggestion might turn in to an email to boss..

The more I surrond stuff in try{...} statements, and handle with geeky error messages that should actually never happen (e.g. "TransactionId 73545 not find for UserId 10. Look for Interaction 212345 at the logs."), the more I think our Customer Support area will someday need a Customer Support Support area.

So, I produce a monthly report for our customer service department each month, and this report includes various statistics related to our company's support performance. Two of the included statistics are the "Average Speed of Answer" (ASA for short) and the "Abandoned Call percentage" (ABD % for short) that are derived from client calls to support.

The formulae for these values are:
- ASA = time in seconds all calls that were answered spent waiting to be answered divided by the number of answered calls - displayed as hh:mm:ss

- ABD % = number of abandoned calls minus those that were abandoned in under 10 seconds (referred to as "short abandoned") divided by the sum of total calls that were offered minus the sum of short abandons & transfers

These statistics are also included in a daily version of the same report that all Customer Service leadership personnel have access to.

Now, every single fucking month the same Sr. Manager always has some kind of "discrepancy" with the monthly report that ALWAYS boils down to his dumbass trying to average shit on the daily Excel reports for that month and it being different than what the monthly report is showing. Now, these reports ONLY display the calculated value for any calculated fields mind you - not the raw values of the DB fields used in said calculations.

This month I have to tell this shit-for-brains that you can't just take an average of ASA & ABD % from the Daily's and compare them to the Monthly numbers because their calculated fucking fields!!!

Come to think of it, this has been his issue for like the past 5 months, and I seriously can't fix stupid!

Sometimes I just wanna reply to his snarky ass, corporate bullshit emails like, "BRUH!, The only motherfucking discrepancy I can locate is your IQ and your fucking title - that shit don't correlate homie! Need to take that ass back to High School statistics or something!"

But I digress...

TL;DR
I have to deal with a Sr. Manager who doesn't fucking realize you can't average a calculated field from a daily report and think it's gonna match up with the monthly report. I believe he is borderline retarded, and I often wonder how he got the "Sr." In his title let alone "Manager".

Oh wait, this is corporate America - you just gotta kiss the most ass... never mind.

Can it be any more obvious?

So, we are having a SaaS service for people where they can build X stuff. It is all fine as long as you are using basic things there, no complex cases and so on. Even on some complex - it does work just fine.

Here's the rant itself:
The production server throws us errors every 5-10 minutes that something broke and fails to do job X. At first we were all hands on deck fixing it ASAP to make it stable to later realise that most of these cases were users doing stupid shit. Then we began to fix the core issues rather than chasing every single issue there is (costs are important you know) - funny enough, we get few support requests a week and our 1h response time + 24h fix time usually buys us that customer and allows t o leave a great impression.

So all in all, bugles production is good but great support - is way better. Users can deal with issues especially if they are experimenting there but when they need answers - you'd better give it to them.

Ugh, people these days

Hate it when customers are acting like they know everything about IT and then say things that make absolutely no sense ... 😡

saw an SSIS project once used for basically string replacement and file tasks. Asked manager permission to rewrite this Proof of Concept to something more suitable language.
manager: you can't but you have to support it.
me: but i tought it's a PoC
manager: yes it is
me: so what to support?
manager: it's been sold to a customer and in production for 6 months now
So it's a PoC which is sold and moved to prod...
I hate sales and management douches sometimes... like 98% of the time....
(already left the company)

FUCK CUSTOMER SUPPORT

I live next to a province road so for things like internet more parties are involved then on a usual neighborhood street. 5 years ago I was asking about fibre internet since every household in a 8km area from my house has a fiber connect (except those next to a province road). They told me to contact them if a road construction would happen so they could do it simultaneously.
Today I thought lets contact them again since a complete road overhaul is gonna take place in the coming 6 months. They said that I've to contact them before those plans are made public otherwise they cannot jump in and do their work as well.

How would I inform a company of plans that are not public so I don't know about?

I secretly hate customer support and I'm ashamed about that. I secretly hate my work every morning for a couple of hours just for that. Please, don't judge. I just had to say it somewhere :)

So today i had to visit this banks site to do updation on a document but for some reason the modal dialogue that was supposed to open was not working and i couldn't continue to next step.

On an attempt to contact customer support, i browsed the site for relevant details. As i do that, i observed this site is so shitty that it can't even properly render on Google Chrome! It was an horrific experience finding info in that site.

Finally found the customer support form and as I clicked the "submit" it didn't give any feedback whether it was processing or not. After like over a minute of uncertainty, it got redirected to a 404 page.

Frustrated, I went on to their twitter and I almost tweeted calling out their terrible web developer team.

But, my instinct told me to calm my titties and i tweeted a regular confused user tweet.

Got their attention and few hrs later i got a phone call from someone working there. He didn't sound like a customer service representative from the way he spoke. He told it was an issue with their website and had fixed it. I tried again as he was on the line but it was not working for me. And then i shared screenshot of the issue. He tested it again and said it was working for them. Still not working for me. ( Probably cache issue on my end ). Thought he would suggest to clear cache and try. But he asked me to try on another computer since it was working for him.

As i searched for a another system, i got a call from customer support guy and he said he will do the update on their end and told me to tell details. Since the info was not that sensitive in nature, I went with it.

Pretty sure the other guy i talked to was a developer.

This made me think - had i tweeted out a mean tweet calling out their shitty website it would have been probably awkward talking to him - I'd have to be mean again. It could've ruined his day, maybe he was under pressure from his pm that he had to make the phone call. He probably hates his job already managing that shitty legacy code..

I don't know - either way, I'm glad i was able to keep myself calm and not be a source of negative energy.

On call with customer

Cstmr: What version is this?
Me: Can I see the build number plz?
Cstmr: Yeah
Me: *checks against internal doc*
Me: It's version X
Cstmr: Are you sure?
Me: Um...I'm pretty sure
Cstmr: I'm gonna check
Cstmr: *mutes me and spends 10mins finding public version of the doc*
Cstmr: Ah, it's update X
Me: *................* yes

The moment when your company customer is a major mobile provider and you reply to their support question: "Device you mentioned was not included in the bundle you got, but we can include it for 4.99/m + vat if you're on contract."

;D for all the times they said it to me...

When you try to make a customer support ticket on a website and it redirects you to a page that says "site is under construction" after you submit a well-composed form that took considerable time to write up:
 (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

That's fucking genius. Someone give them a Nobel prize. >.>

FYI: Oracle Cloud has 2 servers "always free". Probably useful for some of you. Personal projects n such.

Rant: I've just submitted a customer support ticket coz the sign up isn't working for me.

A customer specialising in identification and security solutions called today, claiming "they" found malware on their website. Then they provided a weird link to some shady malware scanner, and the "malware" turned to be a <noscript> tag which adds ?noscript to the page url, so we can serve no-JS optimised content. As a bonus, the scanner only detected it on two URLs, even though every single page on the site contains that same line of code.

Joke's on them, have fun paying for priority support outside of the business hours for nothing.

*Email chain forwarded by support team to our dev team*
Hi,
Please assist our customer. He is unable to reset his password!

*Went through the emails turned out that customer is asking for password reset request for legacy website for which we don't work at all*

Scrum master sending another reply to look into the matter on High priority.

We again double checked for the customer but he is not registered on the new website.

Apparently, both scrum master and support team and entire company is aware that our team is not working for legacy website.
But No one reads the email properly and keep forwarding to dev team disturbing the entire team.

Some times things like this are done by product manager and her associate, but they keep replying to each other on unnecessary things till they come to conclusion and scrum master try hard to keep up with them with his own agile disciplines.

A little story which happened my SECOND day on the floor after getting hired to do customer-facing phone support for my current job (can't mention the name, NDA). Customer from Detroit calls in:
Me: "Thank you for calling (company), my name is Guru, how can I assist you?"
C: "Uhhh, yeah. I need to get back into my ID. I can't backup my tablet or phone, and y'all are kinda holding my data host-" <Loud gunshots>
C: "oh! Shit!" <sound of running feet>
Me: "Everything OK sir?"
C: "Fuck! Naw! Hang on!" <more running, jumps a fence, skids to a stop>
C: "Ok, I'm safe, I'm safe... So what I gotta do to get y'all to let me back into my shit?"
*MUTE* Me: "First of all, what the fuck are you doing on the phone with me when you should be either A) calling the cops because, I dunno, just maybe some trouser stain is attempting to kill you, or, B) FIRING BACK, MOTHERFUCKER!!"
*REAL* Me: "OK, first you gotta… (outlines step 1,2,3... etc)
C: "OK, that sounds easy enough. I'll try it when I get to the office, I'm on my way there now- shit. Hold on again..."
(talking to someone on the street): "what, him? That dude? Over there? That dude... In the shirt?What the fuck!? Are you sure? Hold on, sir! I'ma call you back..."
Last thing I hear before the line lets go is a large BOOM!

Sometimes it's best to just sit back and sip your coffee...

Bad English aside I am so sick of incompetent customer service reps. Holy shit it's like they will hire anyone these days.

Here just read from this script and not the code version. That's all the tech you need to know right here on this single piece of paper.

Fucking incompetent bastards need to go work at a non technical job like Burger King because tech support is beyond them.

They'd probably fuck that up to. That's a completely different rant, those who can't even do fast food jobs right. At that point just go get on disability because your fucked.

To be fair I will occasionally get someone in the tech support sector who knows their shit but it's few and far between and its always a welcome surprise.

When my company decided they needed i18n cause we had one Japanese customer so we need to support multiple languages. And the customer churned after we released the Japanese version of the app

I get plenty of sleep and wake up to my manager talking about escalating tickets. I'm on support this week and my queue was empty yesterday, but there were several new "urgent" requests that never got assigned to me.

Wait, so I'm responsible to assigning tickets to myself now? Our support is so shitty now. Our good document got hacked to pieces and now I can't find anything, and the customer support people are constantly bitching if things aren't done right now for tickets I was assigned while I was asleep.

I'm only a humble customer service representative in Amazon, I really hate the email editor we use to mail the clients after they call or chat with us. This, of course, means I need to include Emacs on my workflow so I can suffer less, let's Elisp the heck out of this problem!

Customer: I literally don't want to do anything make it work.

Support: here is a good video tutorial to get you started

Customer: I don't want to invest anytime in getting anything to work, just make it work.

Arrrrrggggg just use another service

How can you be expected to develop software and monitor it whilst providing customer support. How about recruit. (2 man team)

TL;DR Asus is a scumbag company when it comes to software.

I love Asus, they make awesome hardware but man do they blow ass when it comes to software and their customer support. They had perfectly working Link To MyAsus app (on Windows and Android) but no no no, we have to release updates and break this shit. Now I cannot use my phone as a webcam.

Fuck this shit.

Customer: The quality of the software you’re delivering is going down
Me: That’s because we’re developers, support, and spend all day on meetings without mentioning that deadlines are defined by you, not the technical team
Project Manager: I have added more members to the team so you can deliver faster
Me: That’s just slowing us down because this inherited code is shit, there’s no documentation and we’re always in a rush, without time for a proper ramp up
Customer: *throws money to our faces* I’ll remove two weeks to this delivery so we can test it better
Me: …

Company tool over a Magento shop from an internal solo developer. They made a new theme based on a bought theme, but the developer who started it is leaving. The 'developer' (yes, quoting it now) made a royal mess about it; rewriting core files, overwriting theme files, leaving JavaScript alerts all over the place, placing business logic in templates and defining CSS classes with functions in custom module block classes. I could go on for a while. After the first sprint we tried to convince the customer to do a complete rebuild, but we couldn't convince him...

The 'developer' has been hold on for now to give support on his crappy code and my next few months are filled with working in this mess without cleaning up the technical debt because we don't have enough time for that... FML

Step 1:
Promise customer something non-existent
Step 2:
Complain big time that engineering is not co-operating in getting the order out in time. (without which you won't get your end of year sales performance bonus)
Step 3:
Comment about the product being sub standard. Rant about how engineering "great" products must be the philosophy. Blah blah blah...
Offer to provide your fucking support to make the product better despite not being responsible for it.Be the greater person.
Step 4:
Deliver the product. Pocket your bonus. Make jokes about how bad the product is and how you won't sell it again to protect the company brand reputation.
Step 5:
Rinse and repeat.

Fucking assholes.