So this guy passed large objects as function arguments directly instead of referencing. What a jackass. So the program was slow as fuck AND taking up too much memory.

So yeah, I'm basically ranting about myself.

Manager: I just think you are being too negative. Like sometimes other people have opinions too and we should hear them out before saying no.

Me: Well your opinion is the devs shouldn't be able to estimate their own tasks and you should decide on our behalf how long something should take.

You also want to decide what tech stack we use, because you followed a "Hello World" tutorial last night and it worked out for you.

Just because you got a simple webpage up and running in 2 hours doesn't mean all websites take 2 hours with the tech. Were not sitting in the corner laughing that you think its taking us 3 weeks to build this.

I'm not being negative simply because I don't agree with you. I'm not being unreasonable if I say I can do 6 weeks work in 2 weeks. And although it sounds offensive, i'm actually doing you a favour by telling you to get your head out of your ass

Fucking clueless products owners.
Him: "I want a mobile app - how long"
Me: "Depends, what should it do?"
Him: "Dunno"
Me: "Well what problem should it solve?"
Him: "Dunno"
Me: "Who's it for?"
Him: "Dunno"
Me: "Well I can't help you then!"
Him: "I need an estimate for my business plan"
Me: "OK - put 'eternity' down, and we can work backwards from there"

Jackass

People that use their phone on speaker (and have it set loudly) in public are a special breed of jackass

I'm your CEO

This is our monolithic full stack JavaScript Saas

This is our legacy code

And Welcome to jackass.

Hello! I am Johnny Knoxville and tonight on Jackass...we test in prod with no back out plan in place...and then I will glue Bam's hand to his dick while he's sleeping.

So today I got really triggered when i hear this guy say that coding is cancer. I stand up and instantly the first thing going through my mind is that it's the battle of the nerds. He says he tried ALL of the programing languages out there and they were shit. I asked if he tried C# and he still says coding is cancer even though he has never even heard of any C# syntax. I asked if he used Batch as a started language and he still says it. So I just decided to roast him by saying "did you put .bat at the end of the file when you were saving? Oh wait never mind, I forgot your lazy ass doesn't have the intelligence to understand how to save"
Surprisingly everyone was silent and most likely didn't understand what I had said. So I just left wondering if he even bothered to get a guide on syntax for any of the languages he would have liked.

I hate my job. I am furious at my colleagues.

Last November I asked my colleagues (A and B) to help me learn to use something, let's call it Tool. They said okay and set a date for training. Next week they said that they had too much work to do so we'll​ have to postpone. And the next date was also postponed and the next one too, and so on.

Three months in,​ colleague C kept dicking around and being a complete jackass telling me that he refused to work with me for I don't use the Tool.
Not like I didn't want to learn to use the Tool, I simply couldn't. I have long before googled how to use the Tool but in no way can Google ever tell me about our own company workflow, our methods, habits and such.

I was furious, but I am also a the most fucking patient person ever so I let it slide. The Tool wasn't actually needed that much to do my job anyways. And I have known for a while that colleague C needed to push someone under him to feel good about himself.

A few more dates had been set but got cancelled for reasons.
Meanwhile both A and B started to look down on me for not knowing how to use the Tool. I started to feel depressed.

Today B held a "workshop" about the Tool. It took two hours. He was not prepared, had a hangover and generally had a hard time concentrating.
He used aliases that he set up only for himself to show the usage of the Tool instead of commands that a beginner would understand (or google). He kept mumbling and I hsd trouble understanding him. His lecture lacked direction and was all over the place.

I am devastated and furious. I had been waiting since November for this training and when the time actually came he pulled something out of his ass and called it a workshop.

I didn't even get answers for my questions.

Now I feel that I am actually in a worse position than before because while I still cannot use the Tool, they can tell me that there was a workshop and I should've paid closer attention.

I want to quit so bad.

Me: Anytime 9am - 12 my time suits me fine.

Him: Sure, noon our time suits us fine.

Me: *talking to myself* I said no later than 12 my time, theres a 2 hour difference. FFS, uh, I'll have to cancel this, move that around, skip that, ARGH!!! fucking hell jackass ... FINE!!!

...

Him: That calendar invite is for 4pm our time, thats a little too late for us.

Me: ...... but they are 2 ..... 2 hours ahead so ..... oh, thats 10am my time .... oh shit

Just because our classes are online now doesn't mean you should make your exam literally 5x harder than the in class one was you fucking bow tie wearing penis head looking cunt.

There's a literal global pandemic going on for fuck sakes. It's not like we asked to have it online fucking jackass.

Worst hack/attack I had to deal with?

Worst, or funniest. A partnership with a Canadian company got turned upside down and our company decided to 'part ways' by simply not returning his phone calls/emails, etc. A big 'jerk move' IMO, but all I was responsible for was a web portal into our system (submitting orders, inventory, etc).

After the separation, I removed the login permissions, but the ex-partner system was set up to 'ping' our site for various updates and we were logging the failed login attempts, maybe 5 a day or so. Our network admin got tired of seeing that error in his logs and reached out to the VP (responsible for the 'break up') and requested he tell the partner their system is still trying to login and stop it. Couple of days later, we were getting random 300, 500, 1000 failed login attempts (causing automated emails to notify that there was a problem). The partner knew that we were likely getting alerted, and kept up the barage. When alerts get high enough, they are sent to the IT-VP, which gets a whole bunch of people involved.
VP-Marketing: "Why are you allowing them into our system?! Cut them off, NOW!"
Me: "I'm not letting them in, I'm stopping them, hence the login error."
VP-Marketing: "That jackass said he will keep trying to get into our system unless we pay him $10,000. Just turn those machines off!"
VP-IT : "We can't. They serve our other international partners."
<slams hand on table>
VP-Marketing: "I don't fucking believe this! How the fuck did you let this happen!?"
VP-IT: "Yes, you shouldn't have allowed the partner into our system to begin with. What are you going to do to fix this situation?"
Me: "Um, we've been testing for months already went live some time ago. I didn't know you defaulted on the contract until last week. 'Jake' is likely running a script. He'll get bored of doing that and in a couple of weeks, he'll stop. I say lets ignore him. This really a network problem, not a coding problem."
IT-MGR: "Now..now...lets not make excuses and point fingers. It's time to fix your code."
IT-VP: "I agree. We're not going to let anyone blackmail us. Make it happen."

So I figure out the partner's IP address, and hard-code the value in my service so it doesn't log the login failure (if IP = '10.50.etc and so on' major hack job). That worked for a couple of days, then (I suspect) the ISP re-assigned a new IP and the errors started up again.

After a few angry emails from the 'powers-that-be', our network admin stops by my desk.
D: "Dude, I'm sorry, I've been so busy. I just heard and I wished they had told me what was going on. I'm going to block his entire domain and send a request to the ISP to shut him down. This was my problem to fix, you should have never been involved."

After 'D' worked his mojo, the errors stopped.

Month later, 'D' gave me an update. He was still logging the traffic from the partner's system (the ISP wanted extensive logs to prove the customer was abusing their service) and like magic one day, it all stopped. ~2 weeks after the 'break up'.

I had a manager who scolded me in me in public on a non-IT floor because I used child classes and overloading of methods which "is too hard to read". Instead use "lots of ifs and else's". This is the guy that had a JSP so large (be cause he had so many ifs) that it couldn't be compiled even on a server.

The best karma happened a few months later. I was looking for a new job (wonder why?) and was very deep in the interview process - like round 5- of company A. I got talking to this jackass, who had no idea I was interviewing, said "yeah I applied to company A once. Couldn't get past the first round. Great benefits, though.". Me getting the job a week later was the best thing ever.

Did some updates to an older Web Forms website built by a previous SENIOR developer who is a notoriously horrible developer.

Now before I start, you have to understand this guy studied at a University and had been working for at least two years before I even started working. He is supposed to know the basic shit mentioned below.

This also happened a couple of days ago, so I have calmed down since then so I apologise for the relaxed tone. My next rant will contain a lot more swearing.

This fucking guy did the stupidest shit imaginable.

On the details view of a post|page|article|product|anything that would require a details view this jackass would load the data from the DB.

Using an OleDbConnection, OleDbDataAdapter, DataTable and the poorest writter fucking sql statements you have ever seen. All of these declared in the Page_Load method.

There was literally no reason for him to use OleDb instead of Sql, but he simply did not know any better.

He especially liked: "select * from tbl where id = " & Request("T") & ""

ZERO fucking checks to see if the value is even passed or valid, nothing. He did not even check whether the DataTable had any rows.

He then proceeded to use only the Heading column of the returned row to change the page's title.

Stupidly I assumed the aspx page will be in a better state. Fuck NO!

This fucktard went, added server tags to the opening of the asp:Content tag, copied that shit he used to fetch the data and pasted it between the server tags.

He did not know how to access the DataTable mentioned above from the aspx page!

He did this on every fucking project he worked on. Any place that required <%= %> to display data instead of using asp server controls, this cunt copied whatever was written in the code behind and pasted everything between server tags.

Fuck I could go on forever, but I think this is enough for my first rant.

Another case of "devs too stupid to poop" TM.

We had a funny discussion today.

Topic came up that a project using Lucene was incredibly slow.

Then came the yadda yadda of Java bad, Java sucks, Java bla Java blub in the gossip mill.

Both things irritated me, last thing was just the usual "I want to use new stuff cause I wanna be a cool jackass" trouble.

So. Today meeting. We did quick analysis by pair programming.

If I tell you that a whole team managed to review an PR, give it green light...

Despite the PR using the thread safe Lucene IndexWriter in a non-parallel fashion for large bulk inserts?

The whole problem screamed parallelization.

Yeah. If you ignore that scream and implement it in a sequential fashion, it is slow.

Congrats Jimmy, your retard level is off the charts.

First time rant here, and I'm just gonna let fucking loose because this seems to be a good place for it.

My uni can't teach programming for shit. It's the reason people sign up for the course. They want to know how to program. I'm self-taught and unhappy in college as it is.

I joined CS because I thought they'd assimilate work in the real world, which is experience I need. I realized early on that programming is like art, and I love the rush I get of something finally working right.

That said, they sucked the fun out of it. It's too structured. Everyone trying to get the same goddamn result. In the real world, we'd be working on a larger project that involved planning, design, communication, teamwork, and the ability to complete each of our own pieces of the puzzle and subsequently put them together in a project that works for the end user.

I'm paying to be a fucking sheep, people. Why do employers give a shit about a degree instead of talent? Welp, fuck society for this. You can tell me I can drop it and still get a good job, it'll just be harder. That's the fucking problem. I can't get a job if these incompetent fucking bastards will throw out my resumé the moment they see "self-taught."

If we could hire based on GitHub contributions, I think many of us here would be relatively better off. Programmers program, not socialize. We do socialize, but in our own little groups. We team up as needed. The moment the jackass in HR realizes that, the better off we'll be.

Sorry, just the way I'm seeing shit right now. I'm going through some OCD-induced depression and this might be a result of that, but I'm passed the point of giving a fuck.

Fuuuuck this corporate bullshit. I'm basically sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for some jackass to grant me access to the server that my boss moved my code over to. Why the hell did you put my app on a production server that runs every 30 minutes...THAT I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO?? Now there's a critical bug and a $50K order in limbo because I can't push any fixes. Fuck me. The worst part will be in the next hour or so when dozens of people are calling, emailing, and attacking my cubicle like rabid animals about why orders aren't moving and I'll have to explain that production is a train wreck because reasons. Just end me.

University Coding Exam for Specialization Batch:
Q. Write a Program to merge two strings, each can be of at max 25k length.
Wrote the code in C, because fast.
Realized some edge cases don't pass, runtime errors. Proceed on to check the locked code in the Stub. (We only have to write methods, the driver code is pre-written)
Found that the memory for the char Arrays is being allocated dynamically with size 10240.
Rant #1:
Dafuq? What's the point of dynamic Memory Allocation if you're gonna fix it to a certain amount anyway?
Continuing...
Called the Program Incharge, asking him to check the problem and provide a solution. He took 10 minutes to come, meanwhile I wrote the program in Java which cleared all the test cases. <backstory>No University Course on Java yet, learnt it on my own </backstory>
Dude comes, I explain the problem. He asks me to do it in C++ instead coz it uses the string type instead of char array.
I told him that I've already done it in Java.
Him: Do you know Java?

Rant #2:
No you jackass! I did the whole thing in Java without knowing Java, what's wrong with you!

5 of us working for a larger team were tasked with doing some R&D, we blew everyone away and were given funding to start a new team and hire people to make the project come to life.

One of the high level sales / product managers we were reporting to, secretly had another team work on a similar idea because he needed it quicker (i.e. no time for research, just build it).

After forming new team, we were asked to work on his project instead because it was further along. 4 months later, big knob comes to a meeting and basically says "You know what, this doesn't look like we have enough features, we need more, but I don't know what".

Project blew up 2 months later, head of the unit kicked up a shit storm saying how badly everything was planned and canned everything. Now one of our clients is building nearly the same thing we were originally working on, the team no longer exists and i'm back on the R&D team.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the R&D team, actually didn't want to leave in the first place but was told I had to. But the sheer anger and frustration to see that walking cluster fuck strutting around like his shit doesn't stink, derailing entire teams, meanwhile we can't hire new staff due to lack of funding.

Heres an idea, fire the fucktards bleeding us dry ... then we'll have lots of funding.

If your client doesn't know what the fuck he wants to see on his website even with all text and images included - don't take this fucking job.

They will let you choose a template and you end up switching it 5 times. "Oh we don't like it. What else do you have? Oh, this looks better." Next day "We don't like this theme anymore. We want to switch to what we had before."

If people can't draw their home page on a paper I tell them go fuck yourself straight in a face. I always put these people on my reference list so my future clients know I'm straightforward, not lazy, not low skilled, but honest with dumbasses like some of my previous clients.

You are asking for a basic website with 5 pages, you have a shitty budget and then I have to customize the entire theme and tweak every fucking possible element in CSS, HTML and PHP. Go fuck yourself. All you get for your money is WordPress with 15 min consultation how to copy paste your shit and save it. Never do fixed budgets, never work on projects like this if it's under $500-1000. Meet with the client to understand him/her better and see if he is a jackass-perfectionist or a chill person who won't be picky.

That's my memories of being a freelancer, trying to get any job for any budget just to build my portfolio. Never going back to this, at least not for small businesses with less than $5,000 budget. Reading people before you start working with them is a good thing.

Fuck this short jackass asshole fucker fucking sales director that keeps promising features in no fucking feasible time just for his fuck fucking commission! Then the fucking cocksucker CEO enters the room on a Friday saying: "We will build this because we can't lose this client."

We never fucking had the client you giant asshole piece of shit! He just fucking lied on the demo and we have to deal with that!!! Tired of this shit

Ok I’m fed up. I feel that computer science major in majority of universities are filled with individuals that memorise code for their assessments as if it is history or civics major.
I mean wtf?
If all you are good at is memorising why did you that cs as your major?
And how far do you think is memorising the simple jackass 20 LOC long shit piece of coding program will take you in the industry?????????

Sorry I haven't been as active lately, however this is one of the better prompts, so I feel I should have it in my track record. Beware, it's a long one...

Let's trace the roots: My uncle was building desktops and he told my dad he'd build him one if my dad paid him for the components. These days I know builds aren't rocket science, but back then my parents didn't do their research. So my dad paid him.

Give or take some time, and most of the parts are complete. He underestimated the prices of a few things and had to ask for $200 more to complete the build. This...caused my dad to explode.

Later, I heard my dad ranting to my stepmom in January 2017 about how the last convo he had with his brother was a "Fuck-you conversation" - it was the last because my uncle had died in 2003.

Flash forward to March 2017. My mom and I are sitting in a Fazoli's, a nice sunset out of the full-length windows. I had to probe. HAD TO.

"You promise you won't tell your dad I told you this?" she asked.

"You know Kellie and I can't stand to be around him." I replied.

As the story goes, that last "Fuck-you conversation"? Over a fucking measly $200. Yup, the last conversation between my dad and his brother to ever happen was a shouting match over a relatively short amount of money. I wish I could say my dad had remorse, but he doesn't. He still talks shit. He's also technologically illiterate, so I doubt there was a way his brother was going to be able to reason with him.

In late 2003, my uncle, who had been a smoker, passed away due to cardiac arrest. The build was still not finished. This was one of the OTHER things that I have mixed feelings about.

After my uncle passed, my aunt paid someone to finish the build and get it shipped to my dad. We'll get back to why I feel this is fucked up, stay tuned...

---------

It's Spring 2004. I'm in the last half of what I think is Kindergarten or some shit...too lazy to do the math. Anyway, my dad announces we have a family computer - however, I couldn't read yet. That didn't stop the waste of oxygen that is my father from going in the Windows XP screensavers and putting text in that said "GAGE MORGAN WILL NOT TOUCH THIS COMPUTER." He's such a fuckin' dick, now AND back then.

My mom had an issue with this. I don't know why, but she did. Later, I was slowly taught how to use the mouse, under heavy supervision. Then I went to my grandma's house. She taught me one very specific thing on her old Win98 (386, maybe? IDK my old hw shit man), and because I know you guys are gonna love this one:

"The blue "e" opens up your games!"
The blue "e" does not open up your games, it opens something that can lead to your games.

I went home and tried this...without permission. My dad came down and discovered my lollygagging on the homepage - this is fucking weird. It was before Nextel, IIRC, so Sprint's logo was red still. Yes, we had broadband from Sprint. I don't know what saga led to that going the way of the dodo, but...

Back on track, I literally got my pants pulled down and had my bare bottom beat. He was gonna drag my ass upstairs and lock me in my room, but before he could, he accidentally slammed MY FUCKING RIGHT TEMPLE into the corner of a hardwood table at the bottom of the staircase.

The wailing that resulted probably was different than the previous form, which is probably what got my mom involved. My dad had a way of going too far, and in retrospect I'm more terrified now of what could've happened than I was then.

Later, I was given access to games in the form of my own account and bookmarks bar. That wasn't the end of the madness/drama from my use of that machine, but it was the earliest form.

Ever since Kindergarten, that one fateful day, I've been defying any/all imposed limitations on tech set on me by my parents...well, not anymore, but literally grades K-12. I'm living on my own, aka "adulting" now. It sucks more than you think, man.

---------

Let's tie this up before I reach the limit. I said I thought it was fucked up when my aunt paid to have the build finished and shipped to us after my uncle's death.

Yes, my aunt's intervention led to me ultimately majoring in computer science.

That doesn't change the fact that she shouldn't have done it.

My dad was an asshole to her husband, who passed. She is ultimately too caring. I don't think my jackass father should've been able to get by with that, he didn't deserve the freebie. Someone else should've told him his brother did in fact need that $200.

I haven't seen her IRL since the funeral when my grandpa passed in 2005. 2006 spelled the end of my parents' marriage.

Hope you guys enjoyed this - it's only a small segment of how I got to where I am now - tiny, actually.

Does anyone else compact their code to make it look as complicated as possible just to be a jackass or make yourself look smart?

All it takes is one jackass somewhere in the world with no understanding of character encoding to ruin things for everyone else.

Another gem from the cunt I used to call my senior.

.nav-tabs > li > a, .nav-tabs > li > a, .nav-tabs > li > a { font-size: 7pt !important; line-height: 30px !important; font-weight: normal !important; }
.nav-tabs > li > a, .nav-tabs > li > a, .nav-tabs > li > a { font-size: 6pt !important; }
.nav-tabs > li > a, .nav-tabs > li > a, .nav-tabs > li > a { font-size: 7pt !important; }

These are all on the same level (not in media queries) and only a couple of other lines of css between them.

I swear this jackass just wanted to watch the world burn.

I hate it when people sneak up and I have to remove my headphones when coding just to ask.. what you doing??
Jerking off jackass.. Come sit down

Well, this week was a week from hell. It was a short 3 day week, and all of my internal Customers, who are normally pretty reasonable, just all unloaded on me at the same time. "We need this now!" "Have you done this?" "Why didn't you do that?" "We need you to do this, because our migration takes place in 30 minutes." (first notice of the migration). And then to top everything off, I'm creating a rollback DDL, and I've spent a couple of hours pulling my hair out, because a set of columns that need rolled back aren't in Prod, so I can't roll them back, because my own DDL drops them, and broadcast my natural meltdown to the entire DevOps team, feeling like an utter jackass after I realize my mistake. And even at quitting time, they are still walking up, and texting, and emailing. Holy f**k, I'm only going to be gone four days, two of them weekend, and will be back. All of this while trying to sell my house and pack boxes and move to an apartment. Can I retire now? Looks at retirement account... Nope, I'll be working until I'm 95. Just shoot me already!

Customer: "There are only 'X' values in COLUMN_D, your - report - import is wrong!"
Me: select count(*) from table_a where column_d is not in ('X') -> returns more than a thousand... Yeah please only scroll within a couple hundreds of records in your shitty sql client gui without making queries. Fuckhead.

Never create a work around for assholes. It will eventually become their solution.

Man fuck this guy, this project is almost a year old and it was originally supposed to be a patch. But even with all my insisting, they never tried to move to the real solution.

Now this jackass brings it up and he's a hero, and I don't know what I'm doing. What a fucking way to start the week.

Get a message from our teammate explaining o auth. First off, I mean come the fuck on. Second I was building our authentication for a fucking week. It's all around slack and the commit messages.

Then again when you don't even check the fucking repo ever, you won't know the progress. Yes, this is the jackass from my last rant. Sweetheart will only be able to be there 15 minutes before class ends today. Obviously, I'm not going as I don't care about the outcome of this shit at all at this point. I have access to the orgs and repos as the creator. Whenever I decide to get some real work done, I'll just ban his bitch ass.

I can't believe this fucker actually tried to explain o auth like he was talking to a child. I wrote back that he can look at the week long discussion we already had about authentication. Fucking idiot.

"=$B1*INDEX(A:A,ROW())"

See this absolute bullshit right here?

This fucking cunt of a problem designed by some dippity-do finger-painting fucking jackass at google doesn't work why?

Because for some *god damn reason* they decided it would be a good idea to setup it up in a way that when you use absolute cell references in a formula, you can't use functions in the formula too. No the other side has to be a literal or cell reference apparently.

Motherfuckers.

Yesterday I bought a book. I did not know about it. So I read the first few pages before purchasing it. I did not look for the review online. I paid by card - not through my phone or contactless, just plain old card going into a chip and pin device.

This morning I got an advert in Facebook that I should buy the second part of the book. I know they snoop my online activity. In a weird way I kind of accepted it. I guess my question is how'd they know so much of my personal life.

I'd probably will leave Facebook today. I am sure they are watching this status as well. I hope the jackass behind this learns in my own small way I tried to stand up against their jackassery. Like everyone else here I from IT. I hope some one (or many) from this extraordinary community who is a lot more capable than I am, stands up to this invasion and make an end to this snooping.

I wasted nearly 3 hours total of my working hours (I'm a contractor, every hour I don't work, I don't get paid) just to conclude interviews with a jackass who gets bent up over how I won't answer invasive questions about previous work on [big international project] at [big international software company]. For fuck sake, good talent signs NDAs, if you expect me to tell you confidential details, then you can fuck off!!! Asking me 5 times over and over isn't going to get you a different answer after I told you details are confidential.

So here I am doing a follow-up with this new agency and telling them it went well other than the jackass manager who asked invasive questions, tells me he only got 2hrs sleep, and doesn't let me finish my questions. What a fucking waste of my time. And here I am thinking it went alright and I could work there as long as the rate is hourly and I report to someone who takes care of themselves — nope, apparently this guy is the point of contact between the agencies. Good luck finding talent that wants to work for you, you jackass!

Oh, and the best part, he claimed he worked for that same company — so either he knows the NDA or he's a fucking liar.

AND the other guy in the room asked for a generic flow (so I could answer, as the question no longer requires me to disclose confidential information) — I have a solid answer, the other guy was happy. But no, doesn't satisfy the jackasses invasive question.

Fuck!!!!!

Why the fuck do coding blogs insist on using themes with a 600px content column, then use code samples that are 3x wider than that? The whole reason I have a widescreen monitor is to not _have_ to scroll, jackass!

Fucking fuckers!!! Why the fuck EVERY time I work from home, there's gotta be some jackass with a leaf blower, drill or chainsaw...

For the love of the God and compiler. Why do tech companies keep putting finance people in charge of operations?

Everything gets reduced to a value in a spreadsheet and ifsum<pretendprofits it’s a problem.

Company just closed $40m in funding and here I am quibbling about fixed costs with some MBA holding jackass to get $200 so I can equip my team with a licenses for a better IDE.

I’m this close to saying fuck it, buy independent licenses and then expense it back to the company. It’ll cost more than bundling but that’s why I’m not in finance.

Shit bathed and stack smashing ass loads of fuck.

I wrote a virtual machine, and just to fuck myself harder, I make the decision of applying some fancy dumbass theories of mine. This translates to a piece of shit modular design that works exactly as intended, but constantly gives me vietnam flashbacks to the horrifying, multiple concurrent instances of my younger mind being incessantly turbo-raped by the dozen object-obsessed pedophiles that I initially studied under.

Now, were they *actual* pedophiles? No, of course not. But I have to make fun of the acronym somehow and that's what came to mind, leaking horse dung all over the walls, floor, curtains and carpets.

Anyway, I feel so smart after this traumatic experience I just have to keep doing it to relive the terror once again. Find me in the corner, laying down in the fetal position, sobbing until the tears build up and drown me in this well of despair, or rather this finely shit painted portrait of a toilet in a lonely and stinking unisex public bathroom stall.

But let me squeeze these fucking tits a little bit harder, because that's my actual day job. That's right. I get PAID for slapping around mammary glands, it's not much but it's an honest living.

So where was I? Ah, yes, absolute degeneration. I'm truly the Max Wright of programming, mostly for smoking crack and having unprotected sex with homeless people, but also for keeping alien life forms in my basement that go out at night to hunt for sweet feline delight.

But as I keep going, I decide I want a language for the machine so I don't have to punch bits by hand all fucking day like an idiot, so alright let's make a small assembler for this shit... oh, right, except it's not small, because gently suckle the bile out the lips of my fucking butthole.

I may redefine a load of shit two months down the line, so I have to make everything perfectly encapsulated and easily fucked with -- which in my licking vomit off the floor of a porn theater travesty of a case means I'm generating half the code and scrambling as hard as I can to glue everything together.

Does it work? Of course it works, I'm Max Wright bitch. I can redefine the ISA all I want, anytime I want without breaking anything because of my pristine crackhead encapsulation. And to credit the scrambled eggs I have for fucking brains, it's not even *that* complex.

The problem is I keep forgetting shit, not how it works, just that it's there. So I forget that I have a virtual machine, and I forget that I have an assembler, and so I spend an entire day trying to figure out how the fuck I'm going to handle a loop inside an unrelated interpreter.

By the time I manage to remind the drooling undead jackass that is this husk that my irredeemably demonic self inhabits, that we can easily solve this by using the tools we've already built, it's so late and we're so tired there's not much we can do. All this time, WASTED.

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!(pure)dev
This might sound like generalisation but the amount of paper people in France (atleast Paris) waste uneccesarily is shocking. It disturbs me to see some jackass printing pages after pages of garbage in the office each time they want to check if a printer is working as expected. Or the professors using huge white sheets to explain shit when the white board is right fucking behind them (to add to it, they use only one side of the sheet). Or literally every single store handing out paper receipts for a 1€ chocolate I buy. Why isn't their a digital alternative? Why are people so not bothered about how much they're fucking the planet just coz they have enough resources to live happily?

If machines ever overthrow humanity, I'm sure they'll do a better job in tidying up everything.

Step 1:
Promise customer something non-existent
Step 2:
Complain big time that engineering is not co-operating in getting the order out in time. (without which you won't get your end of year sales performance bonus)
Step 3:
Comment about the product being sub standard. Rant about how engineering "great" products must be the philosophy. Blah blah blah...
Offer to provide your fucking support to make the product better despite not being responsible for it.Be the greater person.
Step 4:
Deliver the product. Pocket your bonus. Make jokes about how bad the product is and how you won't sell it again to protect the company brand reputation.
Step 5:
Rinse and repeat.

Fucking assholes.

Know what really grinds my gears?

People who refer to "ajax" as though it's a separate programming language, instead of what it is, which is an old shitty method in an old shitty library. What I do enjoy is people thinking it's dish soap. That will *never* not be funny to me.

Examples:

1. *generic job description*...5 years experience. Desired skills: HTML, Foundation, PHP, Ajax, Fortran, Assembly, Tagalog, smoke signals.

2. Someone in "marketing": "Do you know Ajax?"

3. Jackass in a coffee shop who uses moustache wax: "I'm an ajax programmer. Yeah I've heard of [any recent band], like twenty years ago. They suck."

Go die, and take ajax with you.

I can't name just the one annoying coworker, because I've never had this one person I really, really couldn't stand being around. But there are plenty of coworkers that have crossed my path over the years with features that have slowly driven me towards madness.

Like the team leader with psychopathic traits and a brown nose stomping downwards and pleasing upwards.

Like the one fellow who set variable values multiple times to really, really be certain it was set.

Like the girl who sat next to me every now and then, and always started humming and singing only when she sat next to me. Always just loud enough for me to hear.

The dickhead coworkers that has been bullying me, excluding me, neglecting me over the years.

The managers who apparently never learned managing nor people skills.

Every jackass that thought it was a good idea to come stand next to me so they could have a nice conversation on the phone without being disturbed. Well, you disturbed me!

The manager who was whistling and singing so loud from his office that I had to get a Bose QuietComfort headset to get him out of my head.

Every fucking one contributing to the dinosaurism haunting the office.

this platform is belong a chinese communist china .

where is the free speech huh? fuck you china men , fuck you!

@johnmelodyme fuck you yellow fucks!

you think you can silent me ? I live in AMERICA you jackass! fuck the yellow chinese

How do I do it I wonder ? Get stuck with the same retards playing the same strange shady personality types I have to dodge ? Seriously wtf

Betcha if I stuffed a tube steak in them both they'd be more warmed up heh

It's like why do I have to constantly deal with some twitchy copy of some person I previously knew who is doing his impression poorly of some weird introverted jackass with a funny hairstyle from 2001 ?

And what fuckinh sense did that ever make ? Doing something to stand out if you prefer lack.of interaction and attention ?

Only crazy bitches who thought everyone was out to rape them until you found a way to flip their slut switch acted like that in my age group !

Of course I yet know how they actually are God need to find another job