-Laughed at Gitlab the other day
-Accidentally dropped my db today.

fuck karma

And the most useless function of the year award goes to...

Found this in a desk at Gitlab...

Soooo.. Couldn't figure out why the db weren't working..

Our new intern dropped it..

Just found some good stuff 😂😂

This is what my Team does when DB Servers are down!!!

Just deleted the prod DB without taking backup... 🤝

I did a simple bar graph to show the status of a db migration. Each bar is a computer with a db file. As I was bored waiting, I added a King Kong hanging from the longest bar.

I see people posting setups so I will share mine. three 27" Asus monitors. left for viewing site, mid for code, right for db :)

This just made my day 😂

I have some databases on my new socks

5 beers in
Migrating a 200 GB database in production
What could go wrong?

*Client phones me at 11pm*
Client: It's not working!!
Me:What's the error you're getting?
Client: "Database connection error"
*Phones system/dB admin*
DB Admin: Yeah we had to change the SQL logins, I've sent you the new ones
*Phones junior dev in charge of dB programming*
Junior Dev: Yeah you'll just have to go and change the credentials. They're in all the places where we're using the dB, just before the statement, in the connection strings...

We make over 470 calls to the DB 😑

*all kinda db shizzle at work but finally done and going home. Can't see anything related to databases for the next few hours*

*gets in car and closes eyes for 5 minutes* (I'm not the driver)

*opens eyes only to look right into the center of a license plate: xx-DB-xx*

😑

I think the universe hates me or something.

Devs: We need access to PROD DB in order to provide support you're asking us for.

Mgmt: No, we cannot trust you with PROD DB accesses. That DB contains live data and is too sensitive for you to fuck things up

Mgmt: We'll only grant PROD DB access to DBAs and app support guys

Mgmt: <hire newbies to app support>

App_supp: `update USER set invoice_directory = 54376; commit;`

----------------
I have nothing left to say....

Nuked prod db today. Fortunatly we had backup.

Now I’m gonna change my pants

I downloaded the entire stackoverflow DB for offline use. And it's almost 94GB

You know you've had to deal with a tough database problem at work when you start seeing SQL in your own kitchen... (It says SOL meaning salt)

P.s. I sure hope this is how these memes work, because I want my avatar

"We use production DB in testing, so be careful with it"

DB/Systems teacher starts all his lists at 0

Ufffff thank god. My credit card number is not in their db, have checked that. Check yours too 😂

Years ago we deployed this system with a SQL DB on a separate windows server.
Every now and then we had error messages saying that the system could not connect to the db. It was going on for about 5 minutes or so and then the db was up again.
We built a bunch of fallback logic to handle it gracefully.
Then one day one of the guys was in the "server room". It was not a real server room but like a dedicated office in another building.
He saw how the cleaning lady came in, unplugged the server's cable from the wall socket and plugged in the vacuum cleaner...

DB UPGRADE COMPLETE.

1.3 trillion rows of log data just nuked our production db. Fucking data scientists!!!

Discovered one of the worst db designs ever:

- A cust is inserted in a table.
- The insert trigger is fired, calling a stored proc
- The stored proc being called creates a dynamic sql that builds a create table statement for 8 different tables. These tables will be postfixed with the newly-created cust id and is executed.

When querying info for a cust, a stored proc is used that accepts an id value would be appended to another dynamic sql that creates a select statement across all 8 tables for one customer.

Shoot me now.

Forgot to add a WHERE clause in my UPDATE query for Prod DB, that contained 100K+ Records.

FML

I guess DB discovered the secret to time travelling. Taken with my Nokia 3310

Me: *Demoed my search API which supports multiple database implementations at the backend*

My Manager: Great!! Is the API independent of DB? Can you plug this API to any DB?

Me: Yes

My Manager: How can user specific DB at runtime?

Me: Why will user be interested in the DB used at the backend? He will just query the API for data.

My Manager: Let's just assume he wants to select a database at runtime.

Me: While searching a movie on Netflix, do you specific from which DB you wanna stream the movie?

My Manager: *Confused and pissed*

We have this weird db naming convention requirement by the client all table names should be of 4 letters. And guess what somebody thought of naming a table 'ANUS'

Just heard the DB admin yell from across the hall...

Now I finally join the club of ranter who saw a not working screen in a train.

Me trying to connect a MySQL DB with C++

When you're searching the missing parenthesis of your MongoDB query 😂😂😂

Is it true that Alan Turing actually managed to crack an Oracle DB Error Code?

Guys, when you have to manually edit records in the prod DB, please at least make sure that your overweight cat isn't rolling around on the keyboard...

Always check if the DB backup you made works.

Today it finally happend! I deleted Prod!
Accidentally connected to the wrong db to wipe it.

I was asleep and woke up and just had the thought: fuck Oracle and fuck Oracle DB. Going back to bed now 😴😴😴

Everytime I back up a db...

DB
DB
DB is on fire
We don't need water
Let that database burn
BURN
Let it BURN.

that moment when you realise the ID column in the DB has no auto increment on it after sending a 900k lines query... FML

I wonder how big Googles DB is.

React as Senior DB Admin

OS : Tail OS ✓
pass : 16+ ✓
Update password : every 15 days ✓
Mac address : spoofing ✓

Then you realise

Your Aadhar information is in gov DB.

Just got a lection from my manager.
Today he sent me an email with request to change validation on one field validation from decimal(5,3) to int which will be 5 digit number. Ok i did that, I changed it on UI, changed validation, changed mappings, changed dtos, created migration files, and changed it in databse. After i did all of that I replied to his email and said that ive changed validation and adjusted it in database.

After my email here comes rage mail from manager with every fuckin important person in cc I kid you not. Manager is asking why the fuck did I change database when Ive could only use different validaton for that field on UI.

I Almost flipped fuckin table. What does validation good do if you wouldnt be able ti save that form? And form has like 150 fields. And if I left validation only everthing would fuckin break.

Sometimes i think that its better not to think.

FML

Inherited a DB built by a Lawyer

So, a friend of mine started working on an internship in which he was supossed to manage a DB. He was given an Excel file. 🙈Wtf

Five years learning how to build normalized information schemas to end up designing denormalized DBs.

Best db

I HATE TESTING DB MIGRATIONS! SHIT TAKES BLOODY FOREVER!

This one takes 20 freaking minutes each attempt, and I need to run it. yet again.

$@%&!

Prod was down for 15 minutes due to failed DB connection attempts. Contacted DBA after the fact for an explanation. Response: We don't know, but it was probably temporary.

You think?????

Forgot to secure my mongo db instance, found half the data gone, and a new db holding me at ransom , learn_how_to_recover_your_data , good thing offline backups are a thing.

Recovered in no time, never will I ever repeat this mistake

BRB just updating the time stamps on all records in the DB. 😂

My Task: Create a new application in a custom C#-Framework, to replace screens from the old application.
Me:Fine.
The old application has a Java Frontend.
Me:Fine.
The old application has an Oracle-DB.
Me:Fine.
The old application has its logic fully on the DB.
Me:What ??
You cannot connect to the DB via ODBC.
Me:But why ???
You cannot use external libraries, just our framework.
Me: For what are you thinking i can use to call the functions on the DB
You have to use a custom connection-bus which uses JDBC
Me:Fine.
This connection-bus cannot call SQL Statements and return the result.
Me:WTF, how should i get the data out of the Database ?
We don't know find a way.
Me:Ahh fuck off.

Every once in a while, execute a SQL update query on a production DB without a where clause.

20 minutes trying to convince my boss (lead dev) that dynamically create tables on DB based on file name to store uploaded json content isn't a good design approach and he is still convinced that 500 lines will really impact performance that much on one table and that this is the best design...

Based on this approach, he wants to create another table with the user who last modified and the "fk" (not sure if he even knows what this is cause none of the fks here point to anything...) would be the table name... now I know where those hideous tables we have here come from...

Don't know if I laugh or cry...

I'm so fucking sick of the lack of great modern open source DB tooling.

MySQL Workbench can go suck a big fat herpes-ridden cock, it's horrible.

Dbeaver is a clunky 90's tool, which charges two Netflixes (yes, that is a valid $/month monetary unit) just to connect to a NoSQL DB.

Datagrip is nice, but has the same outrageously expensive pricing. I paid for it, and couldn't use it for my local docker DB during my holiday because it couldn't connect to the license server. Fuck you, Jetbrains. Your software is nice, but your DRM makes me hate you.

And then ERD software... It's either some hard-to-use afterthought piece of crap bundled with the DB IDE, some generic diagramming tool which makes DB-specific work needlessly unergonomic, or some vendor-locked online tool.

Fuck this shit, I'm making my own DB admin tool. With blackjack. And hookers. 😡

Fuck this
I get to work with API where you CAN authenticate with username/password and get a token

But you CAN'T get user info from token (auth response contains ONLY token)

So what I have to do:

1. Get token

2. Request ALL FUCKING USERS and load them into my DB

3. Search through local DB by username and, yeah, here I go

Now I need to have a cron job to update user DB 1/2 times per day

I can't think of ANY reason not to allow this

honest DB design

Take the train number... null. Good job, Deutsche Bahn!

TRUNCATE TABLE transactions;

Fuck! Wrong DB...

Confession: sometimes when im too lazy to look at the db schema, i just select *, and filter the stuff i need from the ResultSet.

Spent the entire day looking into a bug. The problem was a space in the email address, that was stored in the DB. FML

Spent a month working on a website that relied on crawled data
Got the memory leaks and usage down from 700mb to ~150mb
CPU usage from ~100% to <5%
Shrink-wrapped the DB requirements based on data
Created self-supporting services and what not

When everything FINALLY worked good enough for me to look at it and go "damn, this actually worked"
the whole monitoring sys got dyed in red :v
A quick look up and my crawlers exhausted my godaddy's per-user db limits.

Kill me.
Just fuckin kill me.

Some mother fucker decides to change production application db credentials…wtf man🤒🤦🏿🤦🏿🤦🏿

HOLY FUCK (!dev) SOMEONE KILL THE MANAGEMENT OF DEUTSCHE BAHN ALREADY

Seriously where can I complain? delays on every single train i was on since weeks. and always because of some stupid shit like "we need to let another train pass by". wtf you didnt know that earlier?

After hours debugging code... find out I was connected to the wrong DB :/ **crying in java**

I'm working with DATES today. Who puts a date in the db as a STRING!

No. Just no. The null pointer exception didn't come from my DB, it came from your Java code, so go away and fix it.

Really now?
AWS, #1 cloud provider with their #1 cloud database DynamoDB, all shiny, highly dynamic NoSQL, your data schema could change any second...

then DynamoDB errors out when one of your values is an empty string? {"foo":""} is impossible to store?

Like nobody ever saw or used empty strings a a value or what? There are tons of upvotes to fix this.

I just have to imagine the Product owner standing there: "No,no,no. They are just using it wrong if their data has empty strings as value. Won't fix!"

Trying to discover why the DB listener wasn't being called in my app for like 30min. Many log messages, no exceptions or errors, DB rules revised, DB content revised, changed constructors, simplified code and nothing worked... problem: the phone's wifi was disconnected.

Why on gods earth would someone name a prod db xxx_Test?!

Storing DB credentials in a repo that were encrypted using functions... that are in the same repo (both encrypt and decrypt!)...

So devrant is going down for scheduled db maintenance... Guess they want to make a backup so they don't pull a "GitLab"

THIS FELLOW HUMAN HAS FEELINGS
(Reddit u/CanadaCanIntoSpace)

Aaaaand my team leader once again worked directly on the DB without touching the code, so I can't reproduce his local DB on my machine.

JUST WHY

Gahhhh!

Just inherited a HR backend written in Laravel. However, ALL database interaction is done using DB::raw() i.e.

$results = DB::select( DB::raw("SELECT * FROM tbl WHERE col = '$fromThe QueryStringLOl'") );

No models at all :(

FML.

When i started my work I encoubtered this db(one of 4): more than 20 tables, some with 200 columns literally... EVERYTHING is a varchar 😓.

I'm slowly designing some normalized tables with real fk on new features and projects and people are like: how the fuck did you implement this feature so fast? the other guy spent 3 months designing this form (and I'm just speechless):

The form was some sort of crazyness shit passing input names as "name-of-property" and a file only to check if(name="string") then store a number value to an array and save it as a "number" (actually varchar) on the db. literally more than 50 if statements to do this.

Everything on a single table that made no sense at all.

Just wtf... At least my boss let me start if from scratch cause he we were always having panick attacks every time he needed to do something with it. 😂😂

Just learned the previous dev team thought a db column with a value of NULL or "Y" was a great way to handle boolean values.

When DBA gives you access to the Prod DB instead of the Dev DB.

Achievement of the day:
4 hours to add 8 color types in the DB

in my native language.

mongo = "expensive"

Mongo DB

😂

> Laravel lets you create migrations to manage the state of the DB
> your colleague doesn't give a flying fuck, just raw SQL on the db to perform every change
> performed initial insertions without seeders, can't reproduce his db on my local environment
> can't even run migrations anymore 'cause it would break everything

Is there automation tool for postgres or mysql to fire a query? I got a db that will reset the row column value after 1 month of the created date

Edit: I know this is not SO

Not clearing the rows, just resetting the value of some rows if the criteria is met

Too lazy to implement DB Transaction. I hope I won't get fired for this.

DevSup channel:

Someone: FYI, Db is down(ticket link)

Otherone: Can anyone help me connecting
with db? I am having issues.

I am so happy I am leaving this place in 2 months.... 😂😂

When you ask for a DB dump and you got a compressed file with mysql.exe

They said a "t2.medium DB Instance" was enough for three production systems...

Fixing a Woocommerce order editing manually a php serialized object in db. 😨️

DB relationships are giving me headache...just as regular relationships IRL

MOOD:
db “fml”, 0;

In my work we have this big client who is really concerned about security.
We can't even access the DB from our machine, so they gave us some shitty, heavy as hell, laptops. It's ok, i don't like the ideia but ok.
But in this laptop have a super fucked up windows 7 that have almost everything blocked, we can't even install the fucking sdk(java) to work without asking the company's "IT guy".
On top of that, to access the DB from outside this client we need a VPN, it's ok, I understand, but the fucking VPN drop connection every 5 fucking minutes.
Yesterday I spent fucking 6 hours to run 2 ten minutes queries that we needed to make a report for this fuckers.

I sit in front of a big window, I really felt the will to throw their laptop right through it.

Just spent half an hour fixing a "bug" that turned out to be a wrong id in the db..

someone: Why you still have no relationship ?
Me: My DB has one table.

I was cleaning up dangling images in docker, and I accidentally removed the production database container as well.

Its not a big issue, I can just up the container back and everything should be fine. But after I up the container and connected to the database, I found out there's no data inside. I thought I fucked up, and sent msg in slack channel that I nuked the db.

Later my friend asked me which compose file I am using and that's when I realized I used the wrong config to up the db. Used the correct config to up the database again and everything goes back to normal.

It's friday evening and if I really dropped the db it would be fucking bad weekend....

Dont forgot to check if you tunnelled to Prod Db before running a DB clean command

Guess who just added their dev DB URL to source control and pushed?

Woopsie.

Reverse engineering an applications internal object model and creating an database model for it...

The reason: Several versions of application exist, each deliver flat data by rest. The data is a complete potpourri of several different entities. *yaaaay*

Eg. an example fictional call (real call and data would get me in trouble I think....)

get_fiscal_report returning the fiscal data for _several_ companies, the companies _subsidiaries_ and the respective _segments_ for a _year_ with a key value enumeration.

So it's an happy fuck up of N:N associative data that usually would be a hierarchical relationship...

Year - Company
Each Company has subsidiaries
Each Company subsidiary has segments
Each segment has a fixed enumeration of keys
Each key has then the monetary value (e.g. 'operating_income' - 155_000 US-$)

Example is made up, but my data contains exactly such a lovely nested hierarchical data flattened and misnamed to a point where it's close to garbage.

Yaaaay.

I had now 6 days of untucking this mess to a usable database representation...

Sprinkling Unique Keys everywhere...

Running persist script...

Getting exceptions...

Changing associations...

Running persist script...

Screaming.

Changing associations...

Violently cursing.

Running persist script.

Starting sacrificing interns...

6 days.

I need a new brain and a format of my soul.

-.-

Reverse engineering proprietary software is really an morbid adventure.

when I first saw this trixk to speed up the db:
1. stop mysql
2. cat dbfile > /dev/null
3. start mysql....
and it works...

Committed production DB info in a config file to a public Github repo 5 hours ago. Just realised it now. Woops.

Fucking mongodb... the name is really fitting "mongol db"..
I get that a NoSQL db can be very useful but holy crap mongodb is shit..

Even better is the security.. holy shit it's insecure..

"Just use the configuration to only allow 127.0.0.1" stfu that shit apparently doesn't work on fucking centos..

And yes my customer did get hacked
And yes they did blame me
And yes I did have a backup

Heathrow express having some trouble this morning.

Me chatting with a bandmate who is also a developer:
Me: do you have any experience in Db?
Him: Dropbox? Databases?
Me: Sorry enharmonic confusion. I meant C#

P.S. yes, sometimes I find my comments so funny that I make new joke posts about them.

DB transactions are your friend

the web developer equivalent of waiting for code to compile is waiting for your local test DB to be populated with recent data from the production DB

Accidentally using a MySQL update and not specifying the where....yeah needless to say every single dB record got updated to trash data and the DB wasn't backed up....I was a brand new developer so....

dBs, many db architectures everywhere. Yet still none can satisfy me until I pay a lot. We should all call them HookerDB

give mediocre server capacity... put multiple webapps and db on that.....exepct to run properly all the time......awesome expectations

It's okay to be confused with everything and life, but hey, stay away from production DB

80 db construction noise at my desk.

Why is this company is trying to make me quit?

Fetching object from db using id of the already obtained object
.get(pk=self.pk)

Our DB lecturer with slides in a powder blue comic sans font...

I've seen JavaScript client-side app that was connecting directly to DB using hardcoded (obfuscated, lol) DB password xD

And yes, there was no DB setting that this user is read-only and only from few tables. It was like GRANT * ON *.

Changed the Ora DB instance type to one having 2x fewer CPUs. That alone increased the db perf ~4x+

Well, didn't know handling a hundred million records out of db is going to be this hard...

Why the dick did you saved objects as strings in db????
Dammit!

I absolutely hate Database First. Sorry, DBAs.

Export data from a database that you've not modeled is a problem (sometimes), I just realized that this DB has two tables to storage cities, the main difference is the id, the other fields are the same in both tables, I hate that kind of people....

Please tell me why my boss thinks instead of just implimenting a language picker, it's a good idea to:

1) store the browser's language option in the DB only for new users, but only the first time they log in, never again.

2) never give existing users the ability to change language, and just default them to English.

3) deal with all upcoming language change tickets by having devs manually do DB updates ON THE LIVE PROD DB.

I'm screaming.

Worst prod scenario experienced - on site in small African country working on CRM/billing system my colleague was testing some new SQL and after finishing decided to drop and recreate the DB. She thinks the process is very slow and suddenly realizes she is dropping the prod DB. In a panic she shuts down the system and starts doing a restore from tape, but is so stressed out she writes "tar cv" instead of "tar xv" and overwrites the backup with the broken DB. Took a while to clean that one up...

Setupwars. Show off your epic coding zone setup.

Your biggest oh fuck moment as developer. "I dropped the prod DB"

A client hired someone to work on a new feature while we were working on something else. The new guy makes huge commits that we don't have the time to read, really.
I merged and deployed my work only to find that the whole database was wiped. Apparently, the new guy pushed some code that reset the database.
I Spent the rest of the day looking through backups trying to restore the database.

Apart of the fact that WordPress itself is one big hack, my most creative hacky solution was making it (dev) environment friendly.

First, I created a DB pull and push tool in NodeJS (on TypeScript). Then, because WP is so clever and stores internal URLs in full length in the DB, I had to create a DB migrator (find & replace) and attached it to the DB pull task.
After this, of course WP still has its config in one file, so I used composer to install phpdotenv and filled the config with environment variables.
Bundled with some good ol' Gitlab CI/CD magic, the website is now 10% sanely developable.

It feels like having to shovel piles of shit, but with a golden shovel. Everything stinks as hell but at least there is a tiny bling to it, temporarily.

But in all seriousness: WordPress is a god damn fucking pile of tumors!

One dev starts db migrations for staging...
Four devs stop working cause their tables no longer exist...
Best Friday Ever

#devRantBreak

A relational database goes to a noSql bar, after a while it goes out, because couldn't find a table

Found a new "encryption" mechanism in the DB. It was base64.

So this web company i joined had a page load time in minutes. The free text search (inverted index search, based on elasticsearch) queries would return results in 10-45 seconds (should be milliseconds always). The indexes had no schema. And they would crawl data and feed into mssql db, which had a 2 gb/db limit on the free version. So everytime the db hit the limit, a new db was created and the name was incremented by one.

Had a very tough time cleaning up that mess. Plus the architect who had made this architecture was on his way out and unhelpful to the core.

What was worse was that most of the changes i did were very simple changes that should have been done long back. Basic sanity changes.

When you realise a so-called app developer has used nvarchar columns to store every single date record, in every DB table of your platform.
Using d/m/Y format.
Without leading zeros.
And, in just a few tables, m/d/Y.
*sigh*

SQLite DB + Google Drive == Love

Just ran my app installers (in projects folders that i copied) and set the DB file on startup.

Could end up with a merge conflict if the app is running on both PCs at the same time though... hm....

At age of 14 me and my friend started writing browser based game.. It was written using php(no DB, as .txt files where our DB) after that I started writing silly little web applications. I have never learned it in uni or any other place...

I started working my new job as a programmer(c#, java, etc.) in a very good programming company.

My first task was to optimise their DB. The DB has indexes and around 3mil rows. The db is slowwww as fuck.

So i made a windows service that reorganises indexes (Depending on blank pages and fragmentation of the index) in DB each week on time.

But as soon as new rows start to come in, the fragmentation of the indexes just sky rocket.

I tried with changing idexes so there will accually be onli indexes we need.

Can anyone help me how can i fix fragmentation problem so the select querries will be much faster.

Sorry if I don't know the solution, I'm new at this task.

Thank you!

We've got a big legacy app which we have to rewrite. The current client applications are only working on XP(!). We have to move the clients to the browser so we can finally get rid of all XP vm-s. The db schema is complex but still 1000+ stored procedures and functions and about a hundred tables with 13 years of data.
So I ask the guy responsible for maintaining the DB code. (he is ~25 years older than me)

me - Where is the source of the database. Which project?
he - Where would it be? It's in the db.
me - So we've got a huge db without VCS, upgrade/downgrade scripts, etc?
he - Yes. I don't get why young developers always want to use shiny new tech like git just because it is cool. It has nothing that an external usb backup drive can't do.
me - VCS has been around since the early 1980's...
he - If you really want, you can put it under git or whatever, so you can sleep better, but I still think it is stupid and a waste of time.

I get that it's hard to keep up, but getting personal...

Arrg, need to also make a database for an application, because client doesn't want to give access to their own db. fookin Brian

I've been programming a simple DB engine all day. As my commit describes, i cant tell how it went...

Create DB connection file in every other place and writing password in all those connection files. 😒👿

Then using grep and sed like a pro to change passwords in one go. 🤷

Scratching their heads as to why the script says DB connection error.... After an hour or so; finding out that the password contains '@' sign it was under double quotes. 🤦

Ask to get DB back ups done, contact DB team => cant log in => have 2 contact wintel team => they believe a reboot will sort it => contact customer => permission to bounce given => contact team to bounce => shifted back onto DB team => bd team open lync conversation about bouncing => no reply to mails if all is well in the world => sit at desk cant start dev cuz know will be sucked into aroganizing this brewery piss up with a bunch of bums....... cue putting on headphones and blasting some music at 11 ,,,,,,,,,,,, been waiting to deploy for 4 hours !!! FML

DateTime.Now should never had been available. For any date going to db, never ever use this!

Dev DB just auto shutdown in the middle of a restore.

From an online backup.

With NORECOVERY.

Shit.

If you ever decide to make a software, contact the DBeaver developer team and ask them what they did, then do everything exactly the opposite and I'm sure your software will be the most complete, beautiful, bug-free software in the world. Because I am convinced DBeaver is the most incomplete, ugliest
software full of bugs. And also, did these people ever actually use a database administration tool before they decided to make one? It seems like they haven't to me, otherwise it wouldn't be so user-unfriendly.

Note: I am writing this in my calmest, had I written it 30 minutes ago, you would have seen some ugly words.

This company have a group of three DB in their product. One DB consist of 130 tables, and they DO NOT HAVE ERD.

Better start one.....while I'm bored and do no have task yet.
~pokerface :|

Why on earth our QA team seems to our DB admins?! They're two different roles!!!

So, I feel a sleep at my desk for about 15 minutes. Only to awaken with drool down my shirt. I then proceeded, while half sleep, to delete 58 rows from the DB...O.o

Hahahahaha good thing it was only on my machine.

Well at least my DB has primary keys and indexes!

Main branch running locally - fine
Main branch locally connected to QA dB - fine
Main branch on QA server with QA dB - NOPE

OK - build main locally, push to QA server - fine
WTF.jpg
Main build by build server, push to QA - nope

Rebuild QA vm and dB - build main, push to QA - nope

Turn on full server logging - PASS.

MAXIMUM WHAT

I'm currently working on a new (for me) legacy database that store percentile numbers in a varchar column . Seriously who the fuck had the that brilliant idea!!!

it's D-7 to deadline and analyst decide it's a good thing to rework the DB

Why shouldn't I clone production DB locally in order to debug an issue / recreate a bug? What is the alternative?

Best way to pass a DB dump with sensitive data: zip with password and email. :|

Occasionally, some guys send badly written SQL to the database and drained most of the resources, then complain the db and apps using the db are not working.

name your db nodes after GoT characters, to remind yourself you shouldn't give a shit when they die.

The other day I fucked up. I coded a safety measure that saves a file on crash, to keep data safe.
I added two lines of code before loading the file, and they crashed. There goes all my data.
(At least got to fix that bug)

DB clusters are essentially “apes together strong”.

Fucking remote db doesn't want to work with me and workbench. DB is on an empty test server, no firewall issues on the network, powershell on my pc says ping ok, tcp failing though, server firewall not running, server up and running.
Tried to modify network access on db configs like bind-adress, set my db user "host" value to wildcard. Now I can log in on workbench with my user, yet root somehow fails, wtf?
And of course once the connection is live, no db us visible, accessible, nothing works. I'm so frustrated. About to nuke it and restart ... again!

any thought about the best way to start a solo project? I think going for the db schema first is easier, curious to see your opinion 😁

!rant

VR devs or GPU DB devs

What is your dev hardware?

To save storage space, make firstname and lastname their own table.

DB team: We will have someone reach out to you and set up a call for your database support request.

Me: *this will suck...some dude with a super strong accent, audio that sounds like crap on a 56k modem, and horns beeping in the background*

DB team: The support engineer is actually from your same area.

Me: Nice! *maybe an American*

DB engineer: "uh yes ello dish is ramajadeshava and I will be supporting each and every request"

Me: *fuck...but at least there's no horns in the background*

You had that moment when you agree with someone and given a ++ because it takes less space in DB than comment?

Can someone get an excerpt from the SO user db and diff it against the DevRant user db and compile a do-not-hire list of the ones that are only on SO?

And yes, I was recently triggered by a SO elitist.

This also assumes all the nice SO members are members of DevRant, which I think is fairly accurate.

Sure, clear the DB every day... Makes testing so much easier zomgs!

Its a database not a dailybase 😂🤔

Today is very special day. Our whole PHP app has connection problems with DB. After 6 hours of desperation still nothing...

Holy fucking shit! Almost 5 hours I was trying to make Docker container with PHP 5.4 to work, because I couldnt fucking connect to my fucking localhost DB. After 5 fucking hours of desperation I tried to create DB on my hosting and... IT FUCKING WORKS LIKE CHARM. IF I KNEW SOONER!!!

One of the DB guys at work writes DB packages like this:

- open package in PL/SQL developer
- copy code to notepad
- edit PL/SQL code in notepad (yes, fucking windows notepad)
- copy and paste back from notepad to PL/SQL developer
- commit

Everytime I see him edit DB packages I can feel my brain mass shrinking.

Anyone elses file names sound more and more frustrating as a client continues to request tiny changes? Like it goes from
Db-image.png to
Fuckityfuckfuck.png

Chuck Norris can access the db from the UI.

I hope my boss learned his lesson: dd if=/dev/zero of=[hdd storing DB about VM cluster]
- is a very very bad idea...

Microsoft Dynamics NAVision DB Backend - 22000+ Columns of pure cancer. 7 booleans for determining what day it is... fuck off...

So this is the scenario:

A Database Error Occurred: You must use the “set” method to update an entry

This is the code:

$this->db->where('id', $id);

return $this->db->update('contractors', ((array) $contractor));

And it gives me the error A Database Error Occurred: You must use the "set" method to update an entry.

Migrate ProdDB to postgres tonigth. Couse you dont have a life waiting at home. :'(

Pseudo-code:
function edit(data){
// DB delete where data.id

// DB insert new data
}

List of things one of my Python projects needs:

- cross-platform IMA/VFD/VHD/VHDX/qcow/VMDK/IMG/DSK/others image read/extract support that doesn't need admin/root privs (so no, can't use dd or mount)
- custom DB format (for speedups when indexing files and retrieving info based on hash) and converter from previous DB format
- GUI or actually good CLI
- massive speedups

kill me now

So we finished our requirement ( barely) for a new client. Next is data modelling and system design.

We started with data modelling. Unfortunately the lead developer does not know the difference between database and data modelling.

me: hey bro, we'll do the database and stuff later, now let's focus on data modelling.

him: (acting like he knows) yeah I have developed a sample design for the "data model".

me: no this is database design.

him: what's the difference?

me: dude, they're totally different. Okay, simple explanation data model is what you want to store, whereas DB design is how you store it.

him: So, if I am not wrong, it's implied that you know what to store if you are talking about how to store it.

me: but you don't know what it is you want to store yet. And one of them precedes the other.

him: Okay, let's start with DB design.

me: What?????? you want to build a house without a plan??? That's it for me I am done !!!

I left the project yesterday, later I heard that, the team members are coders, who think that developing a software is all about coding and fixing errors.

protected $db;

$this->db = new PDO($tooLazy, $toDeclare, $everything);

public function getCoffee() {
$getCoffee = $this->db->prepare('SELECT * FROM Coffee');
$getCoffee->execute();
$result = $getCoffee->fetchAll();
return $result;
}

I just ordered ticket on the DB website.

They took my money. Didn't give my train tickets.

This is why I hate germans. Scammerz

An actual function definition spotted in a plugin to migrate a membership DB from a spreadsheet into Wordpress:

private function insert_member() { ... }

Some noob in some part of the world responsible for migrating a DB used by an application I developed forgot to migrate permissions apparently and now I can't access the db and he's sleeping while I get a million mails from clients😑😑😑

Other dev in group chat: we need to stop syncing so much data from prod to uat because it's crashing the uat db...

Me thinking: no really... U just realized it's not a good idea to dump most of the prod db into uat every week?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Come on, WordPress! Why are you such an asshole? I just want to migrate and move on with my life.
Is it because I started with Joomla? Is it because I cheated you with Flask?
Can you please, please be nice to the same db you made? Am I asking to much for?

Who called it "taking a dump" and not anything else? Making a backup? No??

Run untested SQL on prod db. Yeah I love adrenaline

Worked until now on my private mac and used pymssql and freetds to connect and work with a MSSQL DB and Python

Two days ago I switched to an Ubuntu Machine and I couldn't get it to work.

As it turns out Ubuntu was not able to solve the DNS Name into an IP Address.

FML - 2 days wasted

My fellow developer was given a responsibility of writing unit test cases.
And instead of mocking the db calls he ended up making actual calls to db and adding realtime data to firestore everytime a test runs. Also he used mocha for the same. When i told him that we need to mock the db calls he said he will use sinon.js for the same and for code coverage his plans were to use istanbul.
I was like FUCKKKKKKK. , why the fk you aren't using jest. I mean whyyyyyyyy. WHAT THE FK

So what is the best free Mongo DB client for Mac? What are you using aside from the command line?

I prefer good ui and features. Thanks! 👍

Recently we noticed a part of our web application wasn't working. After some hours of looking into it (it's an old, convoluted application), it became clear another part of the application timed out trying to get a connection from the db connection pool.

We call db admins, they respond "oh yeah looks like the DB CPUs are at 100% load. I'll do something about it." and a short while later everything was working. So now I think, our hours of looking into it and a lot of people not being able to work could have been avoided if the DB admins had some form of alerting. But also we could improve our monitoring too, had we tracked calls made to our DB.

Question: Do you think I should call the DB guys, telling them they need alerting, or should I add tracing/monitoring around our DB calls, or both? Do you think I should consider any additional actions I haven't thought of?

The hardest part about my new job is to install Oracle db. My god.

Try number 10....

Putting static passwords and usernames in an array, instead of in a DB (During a school project).

Sanitize before db input.
And as a user I get my pdf document full of &gt;
Thanks!

What Database client do you use? I'm currently using Sequel Pro. Right now I'm comparing TablePlus and DataGrip.

DataGrip - not user friendly and complicated to use but powerful
TablePlus

Been told ill be worming with Oracle DB'S today, as someone who's never touched on Oracle stuff before. Any advice?

Microservices in real life:
You have 4 different project opened in IDE simultaneously editing all of them to make something to work.
All projects share same db.
Basically this is monolith but splitter to different git repos.
Communicating one another via http calls or directly altering shared db tables.
Everyone is happy until solution goes to production then :
Solution doesn't scale because db is a bottleneck.
Services can be unavailable for 1-2s so some processes are left in unfinished state forever, because everyone assume 99,9% SLA means it always available and http calls will never fail.
Http calls take time.

$today = $db->query("INSERT INTO mySystem(beer)VALUES('heineken')");