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Client: My mouse is working backwards
me: *rotates mouse 180 degrees*
Client: Thanks! You even brought the buttons back!18 -
classmate: Hey, "friend" told me you do freelance website development. right? I need to create a new website and need your help.
Me: umm... OK... what's it about?
Classmate: It's for my dad's friend's business.
Me: OK. but I will charge the standard rate.
classmate: No... I will make it myself. I just want your help.
Me(Internally): ...not again...
Me: Do it yourself then.
Classmate: It will be quick. an hour or two max.
Me: *speechless*
Classmate: And one of my uncle who did IT told me that c++ is faster. can we use that instead of HTML?
Me: huh...?
classmate: you don't know shit.
... classmate walks away...
This guy somehow manages to get As in exams (mostly cheating. and our papers are shitty theory papers which you can mug up. so that helps) and in a year will have an IT degree.56 -
Got a phone call: I got an error, what do I do?
Me: what kind of error?
Her: I closed it.
Me: what did it say?
Her: I don't know, it was a window with "ok" and "cancel"
Me: why didn't you read it?
Her: I don't understand this computer language.
/me dies a little inside.
There is nothing quite as stupid as people who refuse to read their own language as soon as it appears on a screen.
They make those things for a reason.
This happens too often.8 -
- what's the most popular language for the web?
- javascript
- wow you really can do anything with java3 -
"The school tech asked me for my MAC address on my phone, but I told them I didn't have one because my phone is Android and Macs only have MAC addresses, right?"
-my wife8 -
Coworker: Can you create program for me?
Me: What this "program" going to do?
Coworker: Hack bank network and send me money. Can you make it for Android?
😆😆😆7 -
Friend: My other friend said he hacked into the Pentagon, can you do it?
Me: ummm No
Friend: So you are not really a good developer then?
Me: ummm No...I guess
Friend: well I'm hanging out with that guy then, he is showing me ways to make hundreds of $ a day online.
Me: sigh...5 -
User: Why did you cleaned my recycle bin? I had important documents there!
Happened to me a long time ago. The user was one of the managers... 🐒5 -
"I want to create a Linux distribution from scratch but i don't know how to code, I'll pay you $300 but i get to have the rights to it"8
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do we have to use git/version control software? why cant we just mail everyone else the builds at the end of the day?5
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User: I can't access the system, it keeps asking me to change my password!
Me: ....
Me: Tried changing your password?
User: Not yet2 -
"I can not install the apk file you have sent me on my phone,can I install the ios version instead?!"1
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I played a prank on my coworkers. Covered the bottom sensor of the mouse with part of a post-it note. I went home for the night.
The following morning My boss was the only one in at first and spent an hour unplugging and plugging it back in. He was just about to go out to buy another mouse when someone else came in, immediately looked at the bottom, chuckled to himself and took it off.5 -
Intern Me: "this is what im working on"
Fellow Intern: "Hey cool, can you send me it? "
Me: "What? The code?"
Intern: "Yeah, just send it all"
Me: "You want me to send you the entirety of the 300 million line code base for a proprietary trading system?"
Intern: "Yeah"1 -
Oooh, got one. Not a question, but a mind-blowing moment:
For some reason, my parents put my email address on one of their accounts, and it was an old one that I had stopped using years ago. Then, this conversation with my parents happens, at their home with the laptop I gave them sitting open on the table:
me: "you guys should probably give them your email address."
mom: "we don't have one."
me: "what about dad's?"
dad: "no, I don't have an email address."
me: "you used to have one. what happened to it?"
dad: "that one was at the library. I don't have one here."
me: 😑
My father apparently doesn't know the basic concept of the internet and its global nature.2 -
"Can we build an app that works only in South Africa, for multiple clients, with no WiFi connection, each app contains an entire website and database to use offline, where any changes to one database synchronises every client's app, and also save those changes to our servers?"
These clients are hundreds of miles apart and on the other side of the world.7 -
::python coding::
Friend: "so I have to press tab when I want to code inside a function, right?"
Me (Busy): "yea yea, whenever you enter a new scope. Indentation is important in python..."
Friend: "what's a scope?"
#$ cowsay "dafaq"
Me: "bruh, what you doin in Computer Engineering?"4 -
mom asks how to access photos on her laptop:
me : "Double click on 'my computer',"
mom with a lot of confidence: "but the photos are on my computer, not yours!"4 -
Random guy messages me on Facebook
"Hey, I saw you use XYZ provider. Would you mind sharing your username and password so that I can login to public wifi networks? Many thanks."5 -
There is power cut in my college area sometimes...
Once we were in computer lab, when power cut occurred. So fan, tubelights went off.
I heard one girl ask her friend "how are laptops on?"
That moment.... Only I know how I controlled my laugh....1 -
"I don't have enough bandwidth to watch the twitch stream, is there a way to get the audio only?"
"yes, start the stream and turn off the monitor"
*sigh*6 -
Someone called me saying that the system wasnt letting them login.
I walked over to their desk to see that they had the application open with the credentials filled in. I clicked "OK" and what do you know, it logged them in!1 -
guy: why do you use a vpn?
me: cause I don't want my info stolen
guy: nobody can steal info from wifi that's just in the movies.
me: ...
was on wifi in a Starbucks close to Atlanta9 -
Hey i found this crazy ass feature called "Remote Desktop Connection" on my pc. Do they sell the remote at wallmart ?? I want to operate my pc from a remote control 😞6
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I once worked Tech Support for a point of sale software package. There was really no internal help desk, so we got all of those questions as well.
One day our front receptionist that her computer is being really weird and she can't type - it keeps inserting 3s in the middle of what she is typing.
I take the short walk down the hall to her desk and see that, indeed, a never ending string of 3s is being input to her screen.
"I can't figure out what's wrong." she says.
Then I reach over and remove the edge of an open binder whose edge was resting on the 3 key and enter key on the num pad.
"That should fix it."
Walked back to my desk.1 -
Coworker: Why isn't my internet working? I've checked everything, even the ethernet cable!
Me: *sobs*
Me: *connects ethernet cable*
Me: Try now... -
Dude: Hey, can you help me with my website? It's for the final year project (IT and Hardware related degree).
Me: Sure, let me see.
Sends a .txt file with two <html> tags, not even closed.
Dude: Can you fix it so it appears with a menu on the top and news on the middle?
This guy got his degree and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know how to enter to the BIOS of a computer.
He probably doesn't know what a BIOS is.3 -
"I just hacked your website"
Me: Oh really? What did you do?
"Ran DDos attack using this third party website haha"
Me: 😃1 -
Working as IT on a local company, I recommended to install Ubuntu on a slow computer. They asked if Google or Facebook would be available...4
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Some years ago I was fixing this lady's computer and I had to change her monitor and she asked: but will I lose my files?5
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New iPhone user: Where do I download WhatsApp on this phone?
Me: From the AppStore.
New iPhone user: I have to go a "store" to download apps?
Me: No, the AppStore is an app on your phone to download apps to your phone.
New iPhone user: Where is it?
Me: By default, it's on your main home screen.
New iPhone user: But I'm not at home.
Me: *face palm*1 -
Product manager: "Programmers are limitted to computer programs, that's why app developers can do mobile devices too!"
Me: "Programmers are not limited to computer programs, its a general skill"
Product Manager: "Then why App
Development is a career?"3 -
I used to work in a tech shop. Old lady brings her laptop in claiming viruses broke her Gmail. I do the diagnostic, it's relatively clean with a bit of browser adware and tracking cookies. I call her and let her know there was nothing wrong with her Gmail and that it's good to go (she approved a tune up). She comes in and gets it. She calls later saying Gmail is still broken. I invite her to bring it in so we can have a look together (knowing for sure she was the problem). So we open up Gmail together and she shows me what she's doing. She's clicking on the sender and getting the contact card instead of the email opening. I show her how to actually open the email. She doesn't understand. I spend twenty more minutes explaining how to open an email. And this is the wk13 kicker, she waits until after twenty minutes to ask what "click" means. I was so done. That lady was too old to be using a computer.
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I remember installing Firefox on a machine for a lady because she claimed having issues using our app in Chrome. She turned around ask me : So I'm gonna have 3 operating systems on my computer now? (She was using IE as well ). I could tell she was over 50 so I let that one slide.3
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"Why are there so many programming languages? Why don't you guys all just program in binary?" A friend of mine some of you may remember, the same one who decided to select system32 when trying out some encryption software from the internet, and who put a shutdown script in the start up programs3
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The guy who was apparently teaching me. "Do you Google? Use Google, it's the best way to learn new tricks"
Opens browser, types google.com in the browser (firefox) searchbar and then opens Google homepage and then searches for content.18 -
User: "But if you reboot my phone, won't all my pictures go away?!"
Me: "No, sadly your thousands of cat photos are here to stay."1 -
My relative once called me and asked if she could come over to my house so that I can copy Facebook over to his flash drive. Turns out that she accidentally deleted the bookmark to facebook.com and thought that she'd lost it forever.
This is want happens to you when all of your relatives found out that you are "good with tech".3 -
Mum: can you look at my phone?
*bunch of random shit pops up all over the place*
Me: your phones got a bunch of viruses on it or something. You'll have to get it fixed
Her: can't you do it? You make apps. Can't you just make an app for me to fix my phone?
Me: I don't really make apps, besides that's kind of impossible.
Her: so what did you go to university for?
Me: -___-2 -
My second computer was a large tower (486DX). When my Mom saw it first time under my desk she asked me: "Is that a mini fridge under your desk?" Me: "No Ma. Its actually a "smart" heater..."4
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Asked a guy to burn s CD with NFS underground game. puts NFS underground shortcut and burns the CD and says double click the shortcut it will install the game. 😠5
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"How much info can we get from cookies? I want to get gender, approx. age and at least first name. That's possible, right?"
Me: "that's not how cookies work.. the info needs to be stored somewhere, where we can access it. It's not in guests cookies"
"How does Google do then? They're tracking everything we do.. *bla* *bla*"
- my business partner..........5 -
My Business Partner: Why isn't my computer turning on when I move the mouse?
Me: you haven't turned your computer on. *hits power button*2 -
A graphical artist wanted to save memory by coloring unused pixels in a spritesheet black because 0 is less than 255...
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I had to think as I've been asked quite a few dumb questions but my favorite was a friend who asked about cloud storage and how they got it up there as he is pointing to the sky. It made me think of this commercial.
2 -
Back in college I studied web development.
Google came to campus and hosted and event. So a fellow classmate asked me: what's this event about?
Replied: it's Google hosting an event talking about HTML5, we should definitely go & attend.
She stops for a second and replies back: umm why exactly?
- Because we're web development branch and this is related...? -
Dude i've got a Samsung laptop but i can't play any cool games what's wrong with it?
:-0 like tellin me it's a Samsung laptop is spose to mean something at the least give me a clue as how poor your laptop is.4 -
*explains the importance of official docs*
*moments later, the intern pointing at his screen to a crappy YouTube tutorial video*
Intern: How did he figure all this stuff out? He must be a genius.1 -
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb couldn't get their shit together for 3 months, but their bit is in order now. Will you work the weekend for free to make up the the schedule?
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I asked one of my engineering classmate which processor they had in their laptop.
Ans : 3GB.
I dont know whether they dont know a shit about computers or they are too bad at english.10 -
The stupidest technical question I have ever been asked is actually more of a design question, but I think it'll appeal to DevRant people.
I had thrown together a logo for a new system that my team was making. The logo was basically a flat, solid circle of our corporate shade of blue, with the name of the product overlaid in Helvetica Light. It looked okay. Ish. Good enough, anyway.
Our junior-most senior manager came to have a look. She was the sort of person who always had to give feedback, on EVERYTHING. Everyone had given this little logo the nod, but she had to stare at it for ages, and then eventually asked:
"I like the text, but can you rotate the circle a few degrees?"
.
.
.
After an awkward pause I'm pleased to report that she realised her own mistake and we laughed it off, so I was not forced to stand up, point at her, and yell "DURRRRRRRRRR". -
Last year I wanted to experiment with some 35mm film, so I got a 1978 Canon A-1. I was pissed when people started asking me how many megapixels does it have!2
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Me explaining my project to my teacher -
Me: So all these functions are carried out asynchronously so the user doesn't have to wait much and the whole thing is placed in a web server.
Teacher: Where is the web server located?2 -
*pointing on IE icon* but does it work on the internet?
Setting my lovely grandma's new router since she now got fiber. Opening Firefox and pages load fast, still had to show that is also worked on "internet" to make her happy2 -
Client: I told you to change the color of this word! It changes every time I go back to this page. *refers to a hyperlink*
Me: oh okay. -
//computer class at school doing html
classmate:"Hey can you help me? that img isnt showing."
me:"Yeah of course" *look at screen and see a single line if code without spaces or anything*
"What are you doing? Why do you write everything in one line?"
classmate:"Ohh you can write it over multiple lines?"
me:"...."
At that time we worked with html for around 2 weeks1 -
[on git] "how can I use the remote to see what's on my local computer? How do I know if someone else has cloned so I don't edit their files?"
By itself, not terribly stupid... Git can be complicated... But this is coming from people who are supposed to be familiar with basic CM, but aren't. -
Sitting in class witch my Arch/BSD/Debian laptop and using CLI to connect my phone over bluetooth. A crowd of some classmates is passing by and starts asking: " Are you going to hack the school bell?/ WTH are you doing there, Freak?" There were many of those moments.2
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Client: "This is where the projector hooks up to a computer right?"
Me: "Yeah"
Client: "Awesome can it hook up to a laptop?"2 -
#wk13
Client: Let's get our car online using the phone as the router!
Me: let's do that!
Client: Can we use NFC as the protocol?
Me: Probably, but just to automate the connection..
Client: No we should use NFC for the entire session!
Me: No!
Client: Why not? It's new, it's happening, bosses will be excited!
Me: You do know what the N in NFC stands for right!
Client: New?
Me: -_- thinking "I hope you lose your genitals to a horrible case of blue waffles.."8 -
Non-techie friend: Does Blu-ray Compact disc will be blue in color or contains blue films ( In India we use blue films to refer porn movies ) ?
Me: :/6 -
So I was building a WPF standalone software for a subject in uni, and our lecturer (the PhD holder guy) told me to make the GUI responsive in my WPF application, and gave me a long lecture about how everyone uses mobile nowadays.1
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At a previous job I bumped heads with the IT person a lot because he would spread misinformation about technology so the owners would never replace him. This was conversation with the VP:
VP: Hey I just got a new security setup at my house and I can monitor everything with my phone.
Me: That's cool.
VP: I'm rethinking it because [IT guy] said it was very dangerous to have, what do you think?
Me: ....? What did he say was dangerous about it?
VP: He said hackers could then gain access to cameras and plan the perfect time to rob me since it's in the cloud.
Me: I seriously doubt anyone is planning an Ocean's 11 heist to steal your TV.
VP: Yea I thought it sounded weird when he told me.3 -
A client once send me an email and wrote that his internet connection is down. I replied asking him to just reboot his pc. He thanked me later on.... What can I say....5
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When I still in college one of my friend called me
Friend : you major is CS right?
Me: yeah
Friend : I want to buy a new PC
Me : cool
Friend :just to check with you what is the price for a 512M memory?
Me : ......2 -
Co-Worker: How can I see what's linked to x variable in the database for this website? [we can't see the actual back end]
Me: Do a var dump...
Co-Worker: but what var do I dump? -
customer: can you make the site as fast as google? I'm sure you can do that with one of those apps out there.1
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Friend: "Why isn't my screen turning on with my computer?"
Me: "It's not plugged in."
Friend: "Yes it is. It has power" -
Rude Bystander: "Oh, you're a computer science major? So can you flaunt your looks to get the guys to hack stuff for you?"2
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Person: "Can you speed up my computer? Don't delete anything though."
Me: "Your hard drive is at 99%... you need to get rid of some stuff."
Person: "Can't you do it with out deleting anything?"
Me: "We can move it to a cloud service..."
Person :"No, that won't work. How will get my stuff back?"
Me: "Nvm..."2 -
One time I was with a +1 monitor in my laptop and they ask me if lost my files becuase of the second monitor.1
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I was telling someone who never indents any of his code to indent it properly.. He was like "Why should I do that? Will it make my code run faster?"4
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"The job description requires Java, and this candidate knows Javascript, are they interchangeable?"
No they are not, lawyer handling H1B immigration cases. No they are not.3 -
lecturer teaching us ASP.NET in the final year of degree: Are you guys familiar with a foreach loop?
(we've been studying C# for the past 3 years and are advanced students)
me: -facepalm and leaves the class-2 -
This one just popped into my head. A little late but still pretty idiotic.
So in college, shortly after we learned HTML, CSS, PHP and some very basic JS (and various other things ofc) we had to choose which study direction we wanted to go.
This included web development.
My brilliant classmate asked me the following around that time: "after all the webdev stuff they taught us, I don't know what more they can teach us"
So yeah..........
Idiot1 -
"Where do I find the Ctrl key ?"
"What is TAB ?"
"CTRL-ALT-DEL. What is that? Where Do I find it?"
P.S. These people are my classmates and some others I know... -
"Do you know you can even download images via Google search and save it or print it? Guess what, that's the secret to my template images."
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Dumbest question : How do you move the "start bar" back to the bottom of the screen? Mine magically flew to the top.2
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Only questions I consider stupid are the ones that are permutations of an original question asked constantly from month to month. They should know the answer by now!
Asker: "Theres a bug. I cant log into this account"
Dev: "It's a different dev database, so use the password for that one" -
A client's representative (was an operations manager maybe; non technical guy) was explaining his legacy project (a knowledge transfer session), mentioned about using Azure for their new system.
One of the senior .net developer in the room interrupts this guy and asks "can you explain what do you mean by azure?"
I was like "what the fuck! did I hear it wrong" -
More of a statement but interpret it as a question and answered why it is.
"performance on Linux sucks, my (exe) repack ran much better on Windows also my remote desktop can't connect" -
That moment you realize another team renamed everything, but only in have the project, and the live demo to the customer is in five minutes
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Working a support role years ago I commonly would be asked how to turn on a monitor. In rare cases I was asked where the PC power button was.
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Doctor who was examining me if I'm capable of working with computers had to write my job position in form. It was 'Working Student (SCM)'.
In middle of paperwork she looked at me and asked "how to enter brace on this?" while pointing on the keyboard..
Geez, and I was upset that my mom can not distinguish between google and address bar.2 -
This happened about a month ago with my realtor while she was reading a clause from the lawyer that she needed to put on the offer.
Realtor: hey you're in tech *points at her phone and then on the paper*, can you copy and put it here. -
Client: my email isn't working.
Settings are ok. Me: can you download team viewer for me? I have to look it myself. Client: Yeah I can't since I haven't Internet. Me: *slaps forehead* email is working with internet only. you have to recover your connection.
Never heard of this client since then -
Backstory: my father used to work in software development and IT support in companies with medium to large sized networks. I decided to catch up with him a few weeks ago and he asked me thus almighty question
"So if I installed another router in our house, does that mean I can double the amount of traffic going from my computer to the fibre modem?"
All respect has been lost, I was ashamed.3 -
Anytime I've needed to show my bosses and coworkers something more than once, and they still ask... Those are the dumbest tech questions.
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TIL that rants not loading when there's no internet is not a bug but a feature. A friend was going through the phone, and I don't keep mobile data, so he wasn't able know about the wk13 rants. Which is good because that would have destroyed him.
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Format must be png so we have a transparent background and image must be animated.
Me: Do you need to pause on mouseOver?
Dumb fuck.3 -
"Are followers on Twitter who I follow and are following the people who follow my locations via gps?"
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A client once asked me if he would have to adjust the Google maps internal gyroscope monthly or every quarter. I told him it was a good practice to do it every two months or so.
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I found this moth in my room a couple of days ago. Every time I go into my room, he greets me. Whenever I code he sits on my shoulder and watches. My server is pulling a close second though.1
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'cracking' in our language (Turkish) is using the same meaning with 'to break' verb
+i want a program for drawing something and i searched for it. i found a program name, photoshop. do you have it?
_i dont have its files but if you want i can find
+can i install it myself?
_it needs cracking. can you do it?
+why we broke program? i cant use broken program. i am not a nerd. give me health program. dont fool with me
_?!?!?!?1 -
so i took a deep dive into my work at the previous company, the amount of effort i put in and the amout of new things i learned. At that time I was pissed every moment that I had to work there and it was such a pathetic place..but now I feel i created amazing things there. brought a smile today. Not a rant.. but something my fellow devs might have felt.
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a former manager once asked me if db tables and views are the same thing.... I am still laughing when I think about it..
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