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Happened a while ago but I still find it funny.
*phone rings*
Me: good morning sir, how can I help you?
Client: MY WEBSITE IS OFFLINE, FIX IT RIGHT NOW.
M: I'm going to take a look, what's the domain?
C: *gives domain*
M: I see, that domain expired already, it was cancelled through our customer portal by the client, you maybe or someone you know?
C: WHAT?! MY INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS DEPENDS ON THAT DOMAIN, I'D NEVER CANCEL IT, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'F THE SITE GOES OFFLINE FOR A MONTH I'LL FUCKING GO BANKRUPT, YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW.
M: if I may ask, how is your business doing right now?
C: HOW IS THAT QUESTION RELEVANT RIGHT NOW?!
M: well, you said that if the site would go offline for a month, you'd go bankrupt. The domain registration ended about half a year ago so that's why I aske......
*beeeeep beeeeep beeeeep*
Well, okay then.13 -
Random : Hey you're a programmer right?
Me : Yeah? *excited about possibilities*
Random : I am having troubles installing a game I downloaded. I've been trying for three weeks now.
Me : *sigh* OK, I'll have a look, but I can't guarantee I'll get it right.
*Spend about 10 seconds installing game.*
Random : How did you do that?
Me : I read the error message, it was pointing to the wrong file.
Random : You are a god man *calls wife* come look at this genius. *calls daughter* look at that *calls dog* this guy is so amazing.
I also now avoid Random, he had three hard drives, each with a different version of Windows installed, he totally screwed his bios, he admitted not having put thermal paste on his cpu. And he asked me to fix all of this whenever I have time.
I am not your computer fixer guy. Take It to the shop.
12 -
Guy called in:
Guy: hello, i can't seem to login to the sql database, could you check if the ip whitelist went right? It's on the *names server* server.
Me: *checks if guy is calling from an authorized number* - nope.
Me: I'm sorry but you're not calling from an authorized number so I can't check that for you!
Guy: no you don't understand. I don't want any of this not-authorized bullshit, I just want a solution for this right now.
Me: and I just want you to call from an authorized number.
Yeah, I actually said that. He wasn't very happy 😅
I'm still employed by the way 🤣12 -
Train conversation between 3 girls:
A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
.....
Kill me pls16 -
Toilets and race conditions!
A co-worker asked me what issues multi-threading and shared memory can have. So I explained him that stuff with the lock. He wasn't quite sure whether he got it.
Me: imagine you go to the toilet. You check whether there's enough toilet paper in the stall, and it is. BUT now someone else comes in, does business and uses up all paper. CPUs can do shit very fast, can't they? Yeah and now you're sitting on the bowl, and BAMM out of paper. This wouldn't have happened if you had locked the stall, right?
Him: yeah. And with a single thread?
Me: well if you're alone at home in your appartment, there's no reason to lock the door because there's nobody to interfere.
Him: ah, I see. And if I have two threads, but no shared memory, then it is as if my wife and me are at home with each a toilet of our own, then we don't need to lock either.
Me: exactly!12 -
Me: Alright, let's code!
School: Psst. Hey.
Me: What?
School: Remember that assignment from last week?
Me: Oh god please no.
School: Yeah, it's tomorrow. And you have a Geography exam next Monday. You love geography, right?
Me: Please, no, I want to become a programmer, not a--
School: Shush... It's okay. Programming can wait. You want a to get a job, right? What would they say when they see your poor Geography?
Me: That doesn't even... Okay, fine, I'll do it...
* two days later *
Me: Fuck me! Finally! Let's do some coding now.
School: Psst. Hey.16 -
Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.
Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
Coworker: 😏😏😏
Me: 😏😏😏
Coworker: 😏😉
Me: 😏😆
Boss: 😐
*three of us laughing*
😆10 -
Me: *sends email 45 minutes before a meeting*.
Boss: *20 mins into meeting*, any updates about the issues found yesterday?
Me: Yep I sent an email with an update on everything.
Boss: ok great, *shares screen*, *opens email*.
Ok want to walk us through it?
Me: ...... walk through my email?
Boss: Yeah we have everyone here in the meeting.
Me: ...... yeah I included all of them on the email.
Boss: Right, but it would be good to go through it for everyone’s benefit.
Me: *Reads email word for word, from the screen share*
I will now refer to him from this day forth as “The Time Vampire”.22 -
Me: Did Sherry let you know that I'm leaving today?
Coworker: what!? No!
Me: yeah... I'm leaving.
Coworker: huh, I'm not surprised...
Me: what is that supposed to mean!?
Co: shit man, this job sucks, I'm not surprised. I'll be leaving right behind you.
Me: oh.... Um... April Fools... 😬
Co: God damnit.
Me: don't worry, I won't tell the boss how you really feel.4 -
Boss: We are using Angular 1 in our project, right?
Me: AngularJS, yeah, we are using it.
Boss: I heard they have AngularJS 4 now and it's faster and better.
Me: Angular, yeah that's much better.
Boss: So shouldn't we upgrade it? Can you do it this week?
Me: Erm... It's gonna take more than a week.
Boss: How much time do you need?
Me: 6 months, at least.
Boss: What if I put one more guy with you on this? How much time will it take then?
Me: Let me rephrase. It's gonna take 6 months for the entire team to upgrade all the modules in our product to Angular 4. Not including the time to train everyone on Angular and TypeScript.
Boss: Oh, Angular 1 is suddenly seemed to me a better option now.
Me: Smart move 😉11 -
Me: *poking my girlfriend
Her: *the look of pure hatred in her eyes
Me: remember you can't break these fingers. These fingers are the reason we have money
Her: *groans* Yeah, you're right13 -
Frontend-developer's day is like:
*moving element by 0.0001px to right*:
- *10 new pages appeared*
- *text suddenly disappeared*
- *pictures pierced bottom of page*
- *window.alert("Kill me")*
- *it's night outside the window, but you totally sure a minute ago was a noon*
*moving element back*:
- *no pictures*
- *no text*
- *no moon*
- *10 blank pages*
- *only darkness left in this world...
...and this fcking element, yeah*
19 -
After a long battle with CSS I give up and show the client a preview.
Client: I like how you made this first row a bit wider. Really makes it stand out.
Me: Yeah...right, that was intentional... 😎3 -
Me: Wanna see this website I built this weekend?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: I connected a bunch of APIs so you can snap a photo of yourself and get a recommended song based on your facial expression. Pretty cool, right?
Friend: *thinking* ... I think you should change the size of that button, and the colors are pretty bad, dude.
Every time I show my non-tech friends anything I get this kind of feedback :/19 -
"You make websites?! I need a website! For a great client like me, it would look great on your portfolio! So you wouldn't want money right?!"
Yeah mate, cause communism won the war and I can live off kindness, puppies, and rainbows.9 -
"could I get admin privileges to reboot this server?"
Sounds valid enough, right?
OH YEAH SURE, YOU'RE A TINY USER ON A HUGE ASS SHARED SERVER, OF COURSE I'LL GIVE YOU ROOT ACCESS TO REBOOT THE WHOLE FUCKING SERVER.
Worst part, he didn't understand why that would be weird.
Can I buy a little common sense somewhere for this guy?28 -
*opens camera*
*permission popup asking for contacts/telephone permissions*
*installs Open Camera*
Really, fucking phone/contact permissions to take pictures?!
Yeah fuck right off.27 -
Got a great boss!!;
Me: Hey, do we have a corporate GitHub account?
Boss: *excitedly* do we need it? We'll get it!
Me: uhh, yeah, we need it 😉
Don't care he doesn't know what it is, got his trust to get all the right tools!11 -
I'm signing up for steam for playing a specific game.
Entered a freaking difficult/long password: "Choose a less commonly used password"
Yeah right, what in the actual fuck.25 -
Her: you're a coder right?
Me: I prefer programmer, yeah why?
Her: I accidentally switched my phone to another language and I...
/(ò.ó)┛彡┻━┻9 -
Bob?
Yeah?
Bob, could you hand me that paperclip?
Sure mate!
Thanks.
Oh... Bob?
Uhhh... yeah?
Could you also hand me that paperclip?
Right... sure, of course.
Thanks.
Bob?
What?
Could you also hand me the next paperclip?
Fuck off, why don't I just give you the whole fucking box!
Yeah Bob, please, throw the whole fucking box.
Wait, is that a printed screenshot of my code you're attaching the paperclips to?
It sure is, Bob.
16 -
Friend: You are a computer engineer right?
Me: Yeah
*In my head: Dont ask me if I can hack someone's facebook account.
Friend: Can you hack steam and buy games for free??
FML 😑🔫11 -
A while ago (few months) I was on the train back home when I ran into an old classmate. I know that he's a designer/frontend/wordpress guy and I know that he'll bring anyone down in order to feel good. I also know that he knows jack shit about security/backend.
The convo went like this:
Me: gotta say though, wordpress and its security...
Him: yeah ikr it's bad. (me thinking 'dude you hardly know what the word cyber security means)
Me: yeah, I work at a hosting company now, most sites that get hacked are the wordpress ones.
Him: yeah man, same at my company. I made a security thing for wordpress though so we can't get hacked anymore.
Me; *he doesn't know any backend NOR security..... Let's ask him difficult stuff*
Oh! What language did you use?
Him: yeah it works great, we don't get hacked sites anymore now!
Me: ah yeah but what language did you use?
Him: oh it's not about what language you use, it's about whether it works or not! My system works great!
Me: *yeah.....right.* oh yeah but I'd like to know so I can learn something. What techniques did you use?
Him: well obviously firewalls and shit. It's not about what techniques/technology you use, it's about whether it works or not!
That's the moment I was done with it and steered the convo another way.
You don't know shit about backend or security, cocksucker.16 -
Friend: "You are good with computers right?"
Me: "Yes...."
Friend: "Can you put an eye on my computer? Mint crash at every startup"
Me: (Oh Linux! For this time ok) "Yeah, show me"
My friend open the pc...
Pc: "KERNEL PAAAAANIC!"
Me: ".... WTF!?"
Friend: "Can you repair this?"
Me: (shit.)
That was a long day...
(My friend closed the lid without the drivers and then the pc from the standby did not wake up correctly)6 -
Friend: hey I started learning java..
Me: great, good luck.
*After few minutes
Friend: Hey I heard you're good in java programming..
Me: yeah I know stuff.
Friend: So can you teach me all good things in java?
Me: but..
Friend: half hour is supposed to be enough, right?
Me: hell no, it's not like that..
this stupid thinks half hour is enough to transmit all my career to his stoned brain..
I am going to die!12 -
Me: code quality is important
Everyone: <no shit given>
Director: code quality is important
Everyone: yes, it is very important, hurray!
Fast forward few weeks/months...
Me: why this function accepts 14 arguments?
ShitDev: yhm, you know, we need to fix it... maybe
Me: why this exception is swallowed?
ShitDev: oh, really? yhm, yhm
Me: why this function is copy-pasted and repeated (20 LoCs)?
ShitDev: yeah, true, but we wanted to make it fast.
Me: Dear director, this project sux and its quality is shit.
Director: you're exaggerating, it can't be that bad, it works, right?
Me: <polishing CV>
ShitDev: got praised for delivery14 -
Drug dealer : yo, you code right?
Me: yeah, why
Drug dealer: can you hack into the police station.. You know, see if they are checking me out.. If they know I'm dealing.. I'll just move
(I've never hacked but I know i could learn if I have to)
Me:... That's actually brilliant
I love in a small town at the moment.. I bet the police security is a joke
Kinda high risk though21 -
Yeah, you thought it right! This one aims for the stress ball...Come on devRants, I have faith in you!
2 -
"Started playing around with C scripting, can you give me a hand with x?"
"Sure. Errr... this isn't C."
"Yeah it is, like the new C scripting stuff!"
"C scripting stuff?!"
"Yeah, the coffeescript stuff! You developers always shorten it to C right?"
😬😬13 -
Had this yesterday on my way back home from the meeting. Bumped into an old study friend who was never fond of Linux even for servers.
"so what do you use at your company?"
"oh uhm yeah uhm right.... Ehh yes ehhhh so uhm like we use like uhm Linux for the servers"
"ah, and? Works well?"
"uhm well uhm yeah ehh yeah works uhm pretty..... Pretty ehhhhhh good 😅. It appears to eh work.... Like uhm very good for servers after all..."
Hearing that coming out of his mouth....
Damn!1 -
Suddenly my KDE neon installation didn't want to start anymore. (emergency recovery shell)
Immediately searching for solutions, praying for the best...
Saw a suggestion about removing any custom /etc/fstab entries. Removed an entry i added earlier today.
Boots again right away, fuck yeah, Linux, I fucking love you ❤︎4 -
In the compeny where i work for...
Me: who's our sysadmin?
Some senior: we don't have one. Me, i guess?
Me: (pokerface. yeah..right. walk away.)11 -
A customer calls to ask about our software, its features and its advantages and so on.
I answer him all his questions in a 45 minutes support call.
Then he decides to order the software from our website using the order form.
After 1h i get another call by the same guy saying he cant order.
I ask him why and he says that he is blind and his screen reader does not read out the form/website content.
So i filled out the order form with him together because im a nice person and customer is king. (Took me 20 minutes).
After that i ask our webdevelopers if they considered to make the website more disabled friendly.
They responded with no because it dosent matter.
Yeah fuck me right! Fuck the disabled customers we dont care.
I think thats kind of stupid but who cares right!!12 -
"We care about your privacy [...]"
That's why we make it ultra inconvenient to turn off all of our advertising trackers and give you a broken list of on/off sliders that are slow as fuck. Also, why not just press the 'accept all' at the top of the page? See that big green button? Yeah green is good let's just press it and get this over with right?
Oh and that 'deny all' button? Yeah, a shame nobody actually put some programming into that thing, why not just press the green button next to it? You're only making it harder for yourself y'know...4 -
Me: Boss, your new project is ready, we've tested the technical aspect but we're waiting on your approval before deploying, will you test it?
Boss: yeah sure, I'll test it in 5
*2 weeks later*
Boss: why isn't that project deployed yet?
Me: you haven't tested it, and we haven't gotten approval
Boss: oh right, I'll go test it right now!
*2 weeks later*
Boss: I NEED that project to go live RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!
Me: sure, have you tested it yet?
Boss: nope, but I need it
Me: well, I'll put it live, but me and my colleagues are shifting responsibility to you, since you haven't tested it. Are you sure?
Boss: yeah, yeah whatever...
*put product online*
*2 days later*
Angry call from boss, bugs have been found, tell him that he approved the state of the product and that the bugs will go on the to-do list...
Boss is extremely pissed, but recognized his mistake...
Now, the boss actually tests everything thoroughly at the moment we tell him to! No more bugs, complaints, and I got a raise!5 -
Frontend team : We pushed our code. Please give instructions regarding integration with Backend.
Me : Alright. I'll provide you the API docs and you can continue with integration.
F : But that's your job. No?
Me (didn't want to argue) : I'll look into it. Let me check out the frontend till then.
* Goes on to see the frontend *
I am kidding you not, that moth*rf*ck*r pushed an entire template along with dummy text.
Me : Hey! This doesn't seem right. It's just a template you got off the internet.
F : Yeah! That's what I have to do. To put on the dynamic content from database is your work. Don't put your responsibilities on me!!
Are you f*cking kidding me?! Do your work right or I am reporting you to the team lead!
Meanwhile, team lead : *sips coffee. Disappears for months*
Bastards!7 -
Had this with a relative. His laptop wasn't turning on, with or without charger so he brought it back to the store to fix it. It ran elementary os by the way (detail for later). Then he got it back after a week and we booted it and it had windows 8 installed (wtf indeed). So we called the service desk to ask about it since the issue was a broken charger (!!!). Their reply: oh yeah there was a weird system installed on it so we thought we'd reset it as well for you.
SERIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB!!
He is not tech savvy and he didn't know much about backups so that was literally about one year of work GONE. Yeah, I setup a cloud backup sync thingy for him right after that.7 -
'Lets make a security blog, sounds awesome!'
Yeah the idea is awesome, domain name is setup and the server is already running.
Choosing a CMS is proving to be the biggest challenge right now, few hours of searching and still can't find anything that suits my needs 😅58 -
Dear Telegram, the fact that you're using a service which provides app usage/metrics/analytics kind of is not nice.
"But they've got the right to!"
Of course they do. But, when you advertise yourself as a messaging app focused on privacy, I expect you to behave that way.
And yes, we know your crypto is broken as fuck but that's not the point right now.
Oh and yeah, the next blog item will probably be about Telegram and how not-privacy friendly it is.22 -
Software company director: we build Java applications right?
Devs: nah, javascript.
Director: it's the same, right?
Devs: no
Director: fuck, I pitched a Java application.
A few hours later...
Director on the phone: Yeah, we are building it in Java...10 -
It's funny to see how a coworker of mine and me are very similar minded on some privacy stuff. He's a very cool/open guy and just a regular consumer (used the default services etc) but he shares quite some of my views. This is a convo we had today:
*got to the WhatsApp subject somehow*
Him: oh right, you didn't use that haha
Me: yeah 😅
Him: why was that again, privacy reasons or something, right? xD
Me: uhm yes *help*
Him: Well fair enough.
Me: so you'd think I'm right? I mean it uses end to end crypto... (I'm entirely with him in the next few lines but I always approach it carefully)
Him: they veeeery probably have some kinda fucking masterkey.
Me: why'd you think that?
Him: it has over a billion users, the owner is facebook, fb is directly integrated with several mass surveillance programs, they are known to work closely with one particular one, the intelligence interests are way too high for letting such an opportunity pass and after all, THE FUCKER IS CLOSED SOURCE AKA NO ONE CAN FUCKING VERIFY THE CRYPTO NOR THE APP ITSELF.
Me: I agree haha 😅
Him: it's not rocket science, it's modern day mass tracking/surveillance logic :)
I like that guy.5 -
Client: You can develop a e-commerce system for me right?
Me: Yeah sure, whats your budget?
Client: 100$ and I want a really good vps included in the price.
** FManzi left the conversation **
No more work for inexperienced5 -
Do you spell it github or jithub?
So this person i met on one interview.
// Looking thru my resume
P: so you have put this code on jithub right?
Me: yeah, on github.
... // A moment of silence from him.
So, which one is the correct?18 -
I hold two degrees in computer science/engineering and to this day, whenever I have to help my dad with any computer related stuff, he *always* says:
"Good thing we let you study this stuff!"
Yeah, right dad. Fixing your windows problems is exactly what I learned in university 😒4 -
So now I'm working on my first collab with a fellow devRanter on a privacy website thingy! Excited and want to start working on it right away.
BUT OH NO I'VE GOTTA GO TO WORK IN 15 MINUTES TO STAND BEHIND A TABLE PACKING MOTHERFUCKING BOXES ALL DAY, YEAH NO THAT SOUNDS FUCKING COCKSUCKING EXCITING. (okay I can pay rant but still).
I need a hug 😞41 -
Phone in my cubicle goes straight to voicemail when someone calls. Boss wants me to get it fixed so clients and he can reach me.
Yeah, I'll get right on that. 👌2 -
Yesteryear's me: What is up with this effin' catelyn-katelin-thingy? Yet another hipster language trying to dethrone Java. Yeah, right. And why does it sounds like my ex's name?
Today's me:
6 -
So I was applying for a research position in linguistic department, and had the interview today.
Prof: So you know excel right
Me: (show a project to him to prove I at least know csv file)
Prof: Ok so you know excel.
Me: Yeah kinda.
Prof: Ok that's good. Cuz right now we are using amazon Turk, and the data they returned, which are excel files, are not really the way we want it.
Me: Ok sounds like a parser can fix it......
Prof: Yeah.... the students in the lab are doing it manually now
(Dead silence)
Prof: Ok move onto next matter
7 -
Teacher: hey, your good with computer programming, right?
(Thinking I finally have a chance to prove myself programming wise.)
Me: yeah, Sure
(Trying not to blow my own trumpet)
Teacher: great, can you fix this word document for me?
FML4 -
Website on sign off.
Client: yeah I just updated all the content on the old site but that's ok you can just copy and paste it, right?
Currently trying to formulate a reply that doesn't start with the words "For fuck sake..."8 -
You can work from anywhere... anywhere in the world!
Hmmm... Yeah, right! But not when management likes warm bodies at the office.
I hate, hate, absolutely HATE having to travel to work, spending at least 45min to an hour in traffic just to get to work! 😤😡 And then rinse and repeat to get home... which means I'm up at 5:30 every morning to be at work by 7:30, only to get home past 18:00 - traffic permitting! *sigh* 😩12 -
Went to see Jason Bourne last night. No spoilers, but I'm guessing this is how the writers came up with the story:
Writer 1: Let's make it super techie
W2: Yeah, that way it's about current issues, like Internet privacy.
W1: Should we hire a tech consultant so we get things right?
W2: Nah, I saw the Matrix once, I understand computers.
Actual line from film:
"Use SQL to corrupt their database"
😑13 -
Me : "Hey the proxies aren't working anymore"
Them : "The what ?"
Me : "The what-you-call 'webs references'"
Them : Ooooh right
Yeah let's just call a cat a dog1 -
Intern Me: "this is what im working on"
Fellow Intern: "Hey cool, can you send me it? "
Me: "What? The code?"
Intern: "Yeah, just send it all"
Me: "You want me to send you the entirety of the 300 million line code base for a proprietary trading system?"
Intern: "Yeah"1 -
Today is a great day for me! Today I've reached my weight goal - 99.9 . That's right guys - this nerd can proudly say that he's lost 20kg since last Nov!
Boi does that feel amazing.
So yeah guys, listen up. If your weight is <100 - appreciate that! Your hearts aren't in trouble, you can bend easily to put your socks on, you can sit with your legs crossed, you can do sooo many things! Enjoy it. And don't let it go easily. Don't think like I did: "meeh, it's just one more kilo -- I'll tackle it down later". It's a // TODO. It'll never happen!15 -
Colleague: Hey want to get access to our repo so we can see each others code, collaborate, discuss design patterns etc?
Me: Yeah sounds like a great idea. Would love to get to know a bit more about how others are building mobile apps in the company.
Colleague: Heres the link to the iOS app: xxxxxxxxxx
*Opens link*
*looks around a bit*
*Opens cocoapods folder*
*Sees 89 dependencies*
Me: .......... actually, you know what, I have major deadlines coming up. I can't look at this right now. Lets talk in the new year.
*closes slack*5 -
Client: "I did not receive the email that should be send after that event. Please fix."
Me:
* Checks code - ok
* Tests feature in locally - ok
* Tests feature in production - ok
* checks values in database - ok
* 2 hours wasted - ok
"Please help me dear CTO, idk what else I could check or how I should even respond to this."
CTO: "hmm, the clients account uses a adminstrative email address for testing. Let me just check if it is in the mailbox."
*checks* "Yeah, that's the email you're looking for, right?"
Me: *experiences relief, anger, blood lust and disappointment at the same time* "Could you please respond to the client for me, I need a break. Thanks"3 -
- Let's make the authentication system so the user can only login in one device at time, because this is more secure.
- You know that this will be a general-public application, right?
- Yeah!
- Sou you want to "punish" users with a logoff on the other device when he tries to login in a new one?
- Yeah!
- But before you said we will use Json Web Token to make the backend stateless.
- Yeah!
- And how will we check if the token is the last one generated?
- We will store the last generated token for this user on a table in our DB.
- So... you are basically describing the old authentication model, with session tokens stored on the backend and communicating them via cookies.
- Yeah, but the token will be sent on the Header, not on cookies
- Okay, so why will we use Json Web Token to do this in the first place?
- Because this is how they're doing now, and this will make the backend stateless.
A moment of silence, please.8 -
LEARN THE FUCKING WORDS!
I know that English isn't the native language of my country, but for fucks sake, if I'm telling you the right way to say/write it, remember it!
It's called ROM not ROOM
It's called Mod not Mood
Am I good with Custom ROM's? Yeah
Am I good with Custom Rooms? No, I'm not a fucking interior designer
Am I enjoying Moto Mods? Of course
Am I enjoying Moto Moods? Vruum Vruum bitch.16 -
Manager: We are hiring a new graphic designer today. Can you get him settled in, please?
Me: Sure, I can do that.
Me: *shakes hand of new recruit.*
Me: I've heard great things about you.
Him: *starts going off on all his experience*
Me: that's great. Let's see what you got.
Several hours later...
Me: can I see what you got?
Him: just putting the last finishing touches on this logo.
Me: is that MSPaint!?
Him: yeah! It's good right?
Me: um...16 -
I'm one of the biggest advocates for Chromebooks and Chrome OS ever.
But even I will call out the bullshit right here:
7 -
I'm currently 40h/week meeting attender. I'm not enjoying my life right now.
Today I have a meeting about the legal requirements of an invoicing system, in my role as database administrator — the meeting will mostly be lawyers bickering over what the addresses of subsidiaries look like on invoices and which taxes should apply to services provided across borders.
Wait, I can play Factorio during this meeting and say "yeah that sounds OK" once in a while. Not the worst job after all...10 -
Several months back when I started this job, one of the HR guys I met was super energetic and outgoing (I'm a quite introvert).
HR Guy: Hey it's so great to meet you! Everyone here is super excited to have you starting in this role!!!
Me: .......uh "everyone"? There's like 500 people here and only about 3 even know I exist.
HR Guy: *thinks for a second* Haha yeah I guess you are right!!!4 -
school takes the creativity out of programming.
you want to try something new?
sorry, can't have that. functionality = priority.
school takes the choice out of programming.
- you're gonna use x language
- with x api
- in x environment
- and make it in x way
- because if you don't, your gonna fail x assignments
- because programming is about getting the job done, with no creativity
yeah fuck you too
school takes the cleverness out of programming
you get a turn left function. it turns a 'turtle' left any amount of degrees that you pass it, you have to make a turn right function to turn right 90 degrees. well, if you thought turning left -90 degrees was a good idea to make a turn right function, then fuck you. you have to turn left three timeswith the default 90 degrees instead because it's more practical/logical.
fuck that.
anyone else hate the movements to get programming into schools?14 -
Conversation between me (intern) and a guy from communications, let's call him Bob.
Bob: "Hey, client X wants these pages to be changed."
Me: "Again? Last time I changed them was less than a week ago!"
Bob: "Yeah, everyone thinks X is a pain in the ass, but hey, more money for us."
Me: "But you don't pay me..."
Bob: "Oh yeah, you're right haha XD."
Me: "Haha... :')"2 -
Just spoke with a guy who considers himself a PC expert.
He: You can always recover your offline data from your PC, even if you burn it.
Me: You just need to remove your hard drive.
He: Even if you remove your hard disk, offline data can be recovered from from RAM memory.
Me: WTF?? * Trying to explain him that RAM is a volatile memory*
He: Yeah but you can recover it from the BIOS.
Me: r u serius right now??
And I can continue, because we've unfortunately talked for about an hour.
Why these people consider themselves experts and why the fuck do they have to teach you things that the don't know. FML5 -
after spending a day figuring out why my code does not work, i finally realized someone broke master
then i found myself in the following conversation
jim : "yeah, we found out about it yesterday, i am working on a fix right now"
me : "so why did you not send and email to everyone that master is broken, don't pull changes"?
jim : "hey... someone told me to fix it, so that's what i am doing. that doesn't include sending an email. if you want to, you can send it.. "7 -
I'm the only windows user in my office(my only other choice was Mac). One of the salesmen walks in my office with his macbook.
salesman: what do you know about macs?
me: nothing, why?
salesman: well I just got a new MacBook and I can't right-click, is there like a setting or something I gotta click?
me: well there's no "right-click" by default on Macs, but I think there's a way so you can click with the right side of the touchpad and get the "command-click" you're looking for. stand over there quietly while I finish this function then I'll look into it.
*i proceed to fiddle with some code for 5 or so minutes while he stands in the corner*
me: ok so let's look at your MacBook... ok *at this point I jump on my computer* let's see what Google has to say.
search: enable right-click on mac
me: huh! look at that! Google gives you the answer right there, poof! like magic. now we just follow directions, system settings>keyboard and touchpad>enable click with bottom right corner. bam! anything else?
salesman: yeah, I want the little bar thing to go away *talking about the dock auto-hide
me: ok well that's called the dock, let's ask Google again...look, Google gives the answer again, without even needing to click any links, I could probably click these links and get more in-depth instructions, but right here at the top is the answer
salesman: wow man, thanks! I've got a meeting in 10 minutes and I never would have figured this out.
*before he leaves
me: here take this...
4 -
I know this is not a dev joke, but I laughed so hard:
Father bought a lie detector that makes "beep" whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home this afternoon.
Father ask him:
"So, you where at school today, right ?"
Son:"Yeah"
Detector:"Beep."
Son:"OK, OK, I was in a cinema"
Detector:"Beep."
Son:"Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."
Father:"What ?! At your age I would never touch alcohol!"
Detector: "Beep."
Mother laughs:"Ha ha ha, he really is your son!"
Detector: "Beep."1 -
After doing an exam with dubious answers, the teacher gave us the answers with our exams scores.
One question could have two answers and mine was one of them and was "wrong" so I asked the teacher:
Me: hey, this one is right too isn't it?
He: yeah, but the right answer is the other one.
Me: OK... So shouldn't it be reviewed, nulled or given points to both?
He: no, because the answer is this one.
Me: care to explain how you have two right answers but this one is the "right" one?
He: yes, because its "righter".
Me inside: FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
Me: you got to be kidding right?
He: no. Its this one.
So I changed course and never had to deal with that piece of shit again.5 -
Coworkers: "Who still even uses vim? Glad we've got Visual Studio so we don't have to deal with ancient shit tools like that!"
Me: "Psh, yeah, total losers right? Haha!"
**Sheepishly returns to coding using the VsVim extension**9 -
C: hey mate, what's the best tool to open up this 31.1M rows x 106 cols CSV file?
M: Umh...Pandas DataFrame or R DataTable I guess?
C: all right, Excell will do, thanks!
M: erhm...yeah, anytime?11 -
Alright, this is a new one to me, and wow am I blown away.
Working on upgrading an API that I did not build. Getting things running well enough and then an endpoint (which runs well enough in the tests) returns a `418 I'm a teapot`
Yeah, you read that right "I'm a (motherfucking) teapot"
The description is that...
"refuses to make coffee because it is a teapot"
It was an April fools joke in the beginning.
I couldn't return that error if I tried!
This shit is bizarre.
For your reading pleasure:
https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US...
3 -
I'm really close to handing my resignation letter, even if I don't have any other job offers right now.
That might be a good thing tho, as it would be good for me to take some time off and recover from all the toxicity of my current job. Working at this company is starting to take a toll on me, making me more asocial than I usually am. I'm even losing my passion for programming.
So yeah, I think I'll take some time to heal and find inspiration again before deciding what to do next.5 -
Scammer calls claiming to be windows security expert.
Them: "sir, your windows computer is sending error code. Please turn it on so I cam Fix it. "
Me: "windows? I have a mac."
Them: "um.... " *hangs up*
Me: gotcha3 -
My study's logic every fucking time: (I'm a senior by the way)
Junior: Sir, could you help me out for a minute?
Teacher: I'm busy right now, please fill out the support request form and go ask one of the seniors (yeah, not even kidding)
Junior: Alright, hey dude, could you help me out maybe?
Me: yeah of course, just get your laptop and go sit here next to me!
Other Teacher: Hey you, leave the seniors alone, they've got their own work!
2 -
Indian Programmer Woes 1:
Random Guy: hey you're a CS engineer right?
Me: yeah.....
RG: then can you hack the Facebook profile of my crush?
Me: ughhh.....No....
RG: then you're not a CS engineer.
Me: :/7 -
Cute Girl: So you're like a computer guy, right?
Me in 2012: Yeah, I do some programming and...
Cute Girl: Ok *walks away*
Me in 2012: ........wait, come back! Don't go! I'll fix your printer for you! Or hack your friend's fb. Or make this cool app that you maybe have an idea for..? Don't leeeeeav...ah nvm, she's gone.5 -
Can you add a feature so we can download images that our customers have uploaded?
Yeah sure I can see that being a really handy feature, but until I have the time to add a button would you try right clicking on the picture and using the option "Save image...." 🤔4 -
[3:18 AM] Me: Heya team, I fixed X, tested it and pushed to production. Lemme know what you think when you wake up.
[6:30 AM] Me: Yo, I just checked X and everything is peachy. Let me know if it works on your end.
[9:14] Colleague A: Whoop! Yeah! Awesome!
[9:15] Boss: Nice.
[9:30] A: X doesn't work for me.
Me: OK, did you do M as I told you.
A: yes
Me: *checks logs and database, finds no trace of M*
Me: A, you sure you did M on production? Send me a sreenshot plz.
A: yeah, I'm sure it's on production.
Me: *opens sreenshot, gets slapped in the face by https://staging.app.xyz*
Me: A, that's staging, you need to test it on production.
A: right, OK.
[10:46] A: works, yeah! Awesome, whoop!
[10:47] Boss: Nice.
Me: Ok! A, thanks for testing...
Me: *... and wasting my time*.
[10:47:23] Boss: Yo, did you fix Y?
Courageous/snarky me: *Hey boss, see, I knew you'd ask this right after I fixed X knowing that I could not have done anything else while troubleshooting A's testing snafu since you said 'Nice' twice. So, yesterday, I cloned myself and put me to work in parallel on Y on order fulfill your unreasonable expectations come morning.*
Real me: No, that's planned for tomorrow. -
End to end encrypted (maybe decentralized?) social network including shit like voice/video/group calls.
Privacy site I'm working on right now.
Yeah that's it for now :)12 -
*plays game for 10h consecutive*
.. yeah yeah I know what you're thinking. This guy doesn't have a life. And you're probably right.
*gets hungry*
… I could really use a hamburger right now 🤔
… But the fast food tent is ~30 minutes walking distance away, and this game automatically logs you out after 30 mins inactivity...
What if I could program in some delayed input?
*jazz hand routine engages*
Hmm.. so if I do something like:
PS C:\Users\Condor> $wshell.AppActivate('BlueStacks'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('abusing this chat~'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('for upkeep of 10h play~'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('while I get myself a hamburger~'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('sorry~');
that should work, no?
Le output:
abusing this chat
sorry
Well, even for PowerShit.. good enough, right? It gets the message across 🙃
Hmm.. let's just put an afk message instead, as I'm using the guild chat and don't want any of the members to think that I'm a freak
PS C:\Users\Condor> Sleep 1; $wshell.AppActivate('BlueStacks'); Sleep 1; $wshell.SendKeys('afk~');
.. which seems to work like a charm.. alright, perhaps I can entrust PowerShell to do that again after a 900 second delay, which should give me enough time to get that hamburger.
*comes back home*
"Logged out due to 30 minutes of inactivity."
MICROSOFT POWERSHIT, YOU'VE HAD BUT ONE FUCKING JOB!!!!
Well, guess I'll do that no-life 10+h gaming session somewhere next year again then. Thanks Powercunt!21 -
Got an email...
Colleague A (who acts like he supervises me because he's here longer than than I am but he doesn't) : Webpage is broken. Please fix.
(5 minutes later)
Colleague A : Sorry I didn't pull the *other* file you committed (Yeah I know we're still on cvs...)
Another email...
Colleague B (who really is my boss) : Webpage doesn't show all records. Please fix.
(5 minutes later)
Colleague B : Sorry I forgot check page 2.
That's all my development team. Right, development, not designers, or anything.
FML...2 -
Near the end of a massive (1,000 user bridgeline) conference call today:
[ P = presenter, RCn = random caller n ]
P: ...so, does anyone have any other questions they'd like to---
RC1: Hey! Yeah, I'm still on this STUPID call right now... I dunno, we've been in here for like 30 minutes already - The guy came by the house to talk about it, but I couldn't get off this STUPID call - I think they said it would be around 800 dollars...
[ P, RC1, RC2, RC3, RC4 all overlapping ]
P: Um, we can hear you-
RC2: Dude, mute your phone!
RC3: As the presenter, you can mute that guy from the web UI-
P: Yeah, I can't find him in the attendee list; it's so long-
RC3: -Right-click on his name and select "mute line"-
P: I know how, but I can't find him on the list.
RC3: Find him on the attendance list on the right side-
P: [ louder and louder ] Yes, I know - but I can't find him in the list-
RC4: Should someone call an operator?
RC1: -so I figured we'll probably need to call Jerry and see what he says. I'll call him if I can ever get off this ridiculous, STUPID call - They are all talking at once on there now and no one can understand anything!
[ This went on for about 5 solid minutes, finally ending with... ]
RC1: I'm just going to drop this STUPID call and call Jerry for us. This thing was a total waste of time. [ boop-beep ]
[ long pause ]
P: OK, so now that is over, does anyone have any questions they'd like to discuss?
[ At least 10 people un-mute and overlap questions ]
#ConferenceCallProblems
Above everything else, the funniest part to me was his repeated, over-the-top insistence on how "STUPID" the call was.
#TellUsHowYouReallyFeel1 -
Sister: *walks up to me at my desk* Hey, I was wondering if you can undo what you did to the internet and put it back and make it work better in my room and also make it faster
Me: Sure
Yeah, I’ll get right on it and go hit the fucking magic button in the router settings called “enable extended range and make it go faster”.1 -
Finding a bug as a developer: "Fuck..." *start working on an undocumented hotfix that breaks other parts of the application"
Finding a bug as a tester: "Yeah, right.." *start writing a comprehensive report including all possible failure scenarios and how world famine will increase and men develop boobs if this bug is shipped into production"
Finding a bug as a PM: "Well, the other parts work, right ?" *click randomly on nearby buttons and input fields to "check" if everything is all right. Ditch said report from tester*3 -
I work for Google and Facebook.
Well... is that really true?
Uh... well, does a cow work for a farmer?
Hmmm... not really voluntarily... the cow just kinda gets milked and then the farmer sells its milk.
Yeah. That’s what I do. They milk me for my attention - and then they sell that to corporate advertisers.
Yeah... Hmmm... well, I guess you do work for them... but you don’t get paid...
I can still put it on my resume though, right?10 -
Client: "My proposed deadline can't be met? Maybe we should go to your office and sit right next to you to see how you work."
Yeah right, that surely speeds things up. Even if the ever-changing requirements require at least triple of the time allowed.4 -
>On a call with Manager
>he's showing off some code
>oh cool he's finally assigning me some real work
PM: So yeah, just wanted to have you on a call to show you how easy it was to fix this.
Me: ... Oh... OK.
PM: yeah so this was completely broken. The last guy that was working on this didn't do a great job. Like seriously, what is this? Amateur hour? Hahaha
Me:... Haha... Yeah, right... 🫠
PM: anyways I figured I would go ahead and do this because it would take me 10 minutes to figure out. It would probably would have taken you 3 hours or something to figure out.
Me: ok... <why tf am on this call other than for you to shit on my skills?>
PM: anyways just wanted to walk you through what I did and show you how easy it was to fix.
Me: ok.10 -
-Hey highonsleep you a webdesigner, right?
Me: no, frontend dev.
-Yeah right my dad needs a new logo for his firm, can you do it? We can't pay right now but we'll give you lots of paid design work in the future and it'd be good for your portfolio.
Me: whatthefuckingfuckLOL. *Unfriend/block/delete/remove*6 -
"So you are a computer geek right?" Yeah!
"So how do I hack my friend's Facebook profile?"
HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS PEOPLE
I had this situation quite several times. pls8 -
At work:
Why is there no refresh when we submit data into the tables?
Me: there is, but there is no page refresh, as it should be.
Them: but how do we know if the data is being added?
Me: well you can see it in the table right? Look there is even a small message over here **points at message** that indicates the entry code and position.
Them: yeah but how can we tell? Can you make it to where there is a page refresh?
Me:
12 -
Went outside for a jobintervju ...
Isn't it just horrible to go outside and meet something called other people? My GF said it could be good for me, yeah right!
I even saw something called a sun. It was really bright, must be awful to have to watch that thing everyday.8 -
You know those youtube channels that just read r/askreddit threads word by word? Yeah i fucking hate them so im automating that shit.
This is how far im right now, the images and voices are generated, now just have to somehow grab some vlog music randomly and automate video creation.
https://youtube.com/watch/...9 -
Boss: "Sooo.... How long will it take?"
Me: "Maybe we should agree on some processes and specify your wishes for the new feature first?"
Boss: "Yeah you're right.... But what do you think? Will you get it done til $deadline?"
...
Why am I even trying? Who needs project management anyway?4 -
13 fucking USD in shipping for a 9 USD rubber duck? Fuck no.
Spend $2 a month and most likely forget I am now subscribing to devRant++? Yeah, sure. Why not, right?
Seriously though, thank God for this platform, I'm luckily not the only one with struggles..5 -
"iOS Development is easier"
Yeah, right? There's no dropdown, no checkbox, no radio button, no placeholder for multiline textfields, ...
Motherfck!
You have to manually do everything yourself and lay things out in their messy slow Xcode. Apple doesn't include important things only because they have randomly decided not to include them! Fuck this job.6 -
!dev
In the US, when a technician or something says "yeah anywhere from 8am to 7pm" they will show up around 6pm.
In Germany, however, if they say "8am to 7pm" they're at your door at 7am, knocking loudly and unapologetically.
Yes, please, checking my heaters is so urgent, please do it right now. There's not a moment to lose. Don't worry, it's not like we were still asleep.
>_>14 -
Company: “we need you to engineer this for one of our clients because you’re an engineer and this is what we pay you for.”
Me: “sure no problem”
Company: “we also need you to do a cost benefit analysis, risk/reward analysis, gap analysis and swot analysis for market fit and business finance because we didn’t task anyone else with doing it and since we’re already paying you for this other thing you may as well do this too”
Me: (opens up resume.docx) “yeah I’ll uh…I’ll get right on that”2 -
Oh yeah that shouldn't take too long right? I mean it's just the front end.
No shut your fucking dumb ass mouth up. It will take long. The front end is very complicated, and your stupid fucking ass who couldn't learn to code is in no position to estimate how long it will take. Do us all a favor and stick to the "business" side. Fucking incompetent idiot.
If you're not a programmer, when it comes to estimating how long a task will take. Just shut the fuck up. Just cause you work in this industry does not qualify you to estimate a task. Just shut the fuck up.1 -
Going live on Friday afternoon.
- no way, too many critical bugs! - I said
- we will - the Key account manager said.
Friday is here, still many critical bugs, I was right, it's impossible.
The Key account manager just dropped all functionalities with critical bugs and tricked the customer into thinking it's ok.
So we go live.
He was right, we can.
Oh yeah.6 -
*In a lecture
Lecturer: Consequences of Distributed Systems
Students: **attentive as fudge**
Lecturer: Heteroginity
Students:
Lecturer: Independent Failures
Students:
Lecturer: No global 'COCK'
Students: WHOOOOA, global what?...that escalated fast
Lecturer: I mean no global 'CLOCK'
Students: yeah right, can we use cock though?2 -
My uncle: „You are good with computers, right? My Word is broken, repair that.“
Yeah sure, let me just call my bros at Microsoft and repair your Word with them 🤨 -
Friend: "You are very opinionated about mobile apps aren't you?"
Me: "Yeah, but I have the right opinions"1 -
Eclipse, you lousy shit bitch of an ass hole - yeah I went there.
So I spent several hours today trying to get eclipse to:
1) just fucking launch without erroring out and crashing
2) actually work with a reasonable dark theme. (Yea right)
But no you hunk of shit, both of these seems nearly impossible for you. And just when I get you to work, the stupid fucking lack of syntax highlighting is just dreadful as fuck. If I didn’t have to use it for Salesforce development I sure as hell wouldn’t. -
Me: has continuous mental breakdowns and health issues because of stress@college
Mom: if you dont finish college you wont get a good job
Me (already earning more than my parents together): yeah u r right
Me: *continues college*
Can i just die14 -
Today in annoying customers:
"I will not update the requirements with every single detail of our discussions, it will be quite tedious"
Way to go, lady.2 -
Typos kill, kids! And deploying to production.
Instead of "for item in items" in my script, I accidentally did "for items in items". Thus, an exponential loop has been entering things into the database for the past few hours before I found the place to fix it.
By the way, this runs on cron every minute. So there are processes still running exponentially right now, possibly 180+.
Yeah, I'm setting up a a test server instead now.11 -
Got a ticket form a client reporting a calculation giving the wrong outcome.
In return I ask her what she thinks the outcome should be and why.
"The right answer because I said so."
Yeah thanks that's going to help a lot. -
Recruiter: Hey you have Java experience, right?
Me: Uhm, yeah, but I have a job...
Recruiter: I have here a three month contract at £200 a day and...
Me: I already have a job.
Recruiter: What? Paying this much, I think not.
Me: Well, no, but it's a full time role and I just bought a house, so I'm not going to jeopardize my financial stability. I mean what happens at the end of the three months, I'm basically unemployed!
Recruiter: We might have other roles available then.
Me: You MIGHT have roles... Excuse me, but do you think I am an idiot? What lunatic in their right mind would quit a stable full time role, for a short term contract with no guarantee of subsequent work?
Recruiter: Well... They do pay well for Java devs...
Me: Yeah, please delete my file...4 -
"new features" - new spywares?
"You decide" - Yeah right.
"could take a little longer." - I KNOW THAT!
-
Someone here on devrant that used to go under the name LetMeCode ranted about php and said how much they'd rather work with the Phoenixframework.
Love on first sight. Studied Elixir to get a job as an elixir dev and got my first and current job right after graduating high school.
So yeah, that rant might have changed my life. Saved me from becoming a java or php dev for sure!4 -
Finally got a call for an interview and they asked if I had any experience with front-end frameworks. I said yeah and they said that that's great since their client needs a UI/UX guy and said they'd get back to me in 2 days.
I got a call from the said client half an hour later who goes, "Hello! I am PersonX from CompanyA and we've got your resume and would like to hire you as a Laravel developer!"
Buddy... it says right there on the top that I'm a front-end developer and you were even checking out my LinkedIn... fuckin' fucktard.3 -
On the gitlab incident livestream description on youtube I noticed this:
"No, nobody was fired"
Yeah right. They probably beat him, raped him, burned him, crucified him, raped him again. But no there were no firing involved.9 -
Just as I wait for my train, some advertisers from a utility company here approached me. Asking what my company is etc..
Me: "well I'm making my own company..."
*Looks at their pamphlet*
"Oh, utility company you mean. My apartment building has solar panels."
Them: "oh you know about electricity right... And F-16, the fighter jets that fly at 3000km/h"
(My neighbor is a former aerospace technician who mentioned that previously, should be about right)
Them: "they fly faster than electricity!"
Me: "but um.. electricity travels at the speed of light..."
Them: *avoid subject*
Them: "yeah it travels 7 times around the globe in 1 second"
Me: *recalls ping to my servers in Italy*
"Yeah to Italy my ping is about 300ms if memory serves me right... So that'd make sense"
(Turned out to be 40ms.. close enough though, right 🙃)
Them: "don't travel too much at light speed, alright!"
*They pack up and leave*
Meanwhile me, thinking: but guys.. all I wanted to do was smoke a cigarette before my train comes. Why did you waste my time with this? And uninformed time wastage at that.
Advertisers are the worst 😶12 -
Finally done with all the Java tutorials and trainings that I have.. now on to learning Android development with teamtreehouse! Any suggestions at all from any of the awesome vets here??
6 -
Boss: "do you have a minute?"
Me: "sure"
Boss: "I have this problem, can you just stop doing whatever you are doing and fix it for me?"
Me internally: *no I don't, what I'm doing right now is fixing another one of your problems for which you've interrupted other work already"
Me: "Yeah sure, gimme some time"
Can't afford to fail my internship and I don't want a shitty work environment which I why I don't speak my mind...
But man this is tiring...2 -
For other just beginning web devs: spending hours fiddling over a bunch of CSS layout/formatting/animation to make a small widget look just right... Then showing someone your 500ms animation and they say "yeah and....???"1
-
So I wrote code to show the FUNCTIONALITY of my module , which has temporary variables and temporary code.
Boss after verifying : so it's done right ?
Me: no the code needs to be written .
Boss : but it's working...
Me : yeah , but this is a test environment , I need to put everything in place and test .
Boss : so it'll be done in 15 minutes right ?
Me : ...
Boss: ... -
My biggest distraction: Working at home. I have a student job at my university and work at home. Just visit my boss every other week to show him the results.
So I always thought it's amazing to work at home. No need to travel to the work space, I can arrange my time as I like, noone's constantly watching what I'm doing.
Sounds great, right? Yeah it is, but is it productive? Lol no.
I'm getting distracted by everything. New mail about some kickstarter stuff, one hour wasted. "Can you help me with that computer problem?" Yeah sure. "Wanna play some League of Legends with us?" Sure, but just one round, I need to work. Ten rounds later I wrote like three lines of code.
I could ignore all that stuff, but I'm at home and can do whatever I want, right?
Results in me working through all night, because then there's noone to distract me.2 -
Customer: "Yeah we need <insert bonkers 12 step circular logic> to find a thing(s) in the database."
Me: "Ok let me diagram this out and I'll send it to you to review.... but man this seems like the 8th version of this we're doing right?"
Customer: "Yeah well <employee Y> says they can't do B, C without this."
Me: "Wait... can't they just <insert the most simple step in the history of time> in step A, and then later on they won't have to do all this hunting later? Like you have that data at step A right?"
Customer: "Yeah but <employee Y> doesn't want to do that."
Me: "She's your direct report ....."
Customer: "Yes...."
Me: "Ok.... I'll send you the diagram and the cost estimate...."
Whatever reason sometimes it is a bit draining coding madness compared to making things actually efficient / people's jobs easier...3 -
"Yeah, I got your e-mail, I see the subject. Oh no, dude, it says urgent so it went straight to the URGENT queue. Yeah? Ah. Sure, I'll get to it as soon as I get through the ASAP, NOW and YESTERDAY queues. Well, if you wanted me to read it right away you should've say there's NO HURRY - I read only one no-hurry e-mail a day but there's currently 0 tasks on that queue."
-
!rant (kind of)
I have the bad habit of suggesting "awesome" and "cool" features for projects and stuffs.. (Mostly just for fun and won't give a lot of value to the project, but would be cool). The less fun side.. I'm the only developer (in most cases..)
Me: Hey, wouldn't it be cool if the user could do this or that, or if this was implemented etc.. ?
Boss/Leader: Oh, hehe yeah, hmm.. *thinking* [a bit later] .. You're right, go ahead, implement that feature..
Me: .. Damnit..
But hey, on the bright side.. It's an extra feature! :D4 -
Me and my gf are looking for a house. Since we’re both on temporary contract we want a declaration of intent. For arranging a decent mortgage. My gf get’s called and signed within a day, getting compliments and a thumbs up.
I get called after three days; yeah eh we need to talk about this. I can’t sign this right now. A talk with both director and HR. Let’s get stressed...11 -
I started programming 2 years ago. I didn't know what to do with my life after high school, so I went to an event where you can meet students. I ran across the IT schools section, wearing a GEEK sweater, and almost immediatly, 5 students were right in front of me to talk about their school.
One hour later, I said "yeah why not", even if I didn't know ANYTHING about programming.
One or two weeks later, I took the entrance exam, and one month later I knew that I passed.
I learnt the bases when I entered in Sept. 20143 -
Yesterday at work the internet went out. Our director of IT stopped by our cubes and the conversation that followed went like this:
Director: "Is the internet out for you guys?"
Us: "Yeah"
Director: "But you can still check your emails right?"
Us: ".... No?"
Director: "But the phones are working!"
*Director walks away to talk with our networking group*3 -
APPLE IM GONNA BURN YOU WITH GASOLINE.
So i want to send my build to app store, from my iphone.
I want to log into iTunesConnect.
"It just works"
Yeah, right. Login page for itunesconnect does not render correctly on Safari web browser, on iphone, login arrow is not visible, and elements are scattered around.
Grrrrrrr.
On Google Chrome, it looks okay!!!!!!!!!!!
Spartaaaaaaaaaa.
After some tapping on screen, and rotating the device, i somehow found invisible arrow and managed to sign in.
BUT. Once inside i was unable to complete the process because UI refuses to scroll down :(
The pain...
14 -
Sure Amazon, 0.02$/GB * 0.000120 GB = 0.01$, not 0.0000024$, sure, that's right.
0.05$ for what amounts to less than 2MB of data transfer in total (there's two more lines like that in the bill).
Eat a bag of dicks.
Free tier my ass, if I wanted to spend money I'd rather use Azure.
3 -
me: Have you heard of Murphy's law?
them: Yeah.
me: What is it?
them: If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.
me: Right, have you heard of Cole's law?
them: No, what is it?10 -
Got official announcement that power will be cut off and given in schedule. For many weeks.
Fuck, we are all just adult toodlers pretending to run businesses as a game. Right? So yeah, just fuck us.3 -
Yeah well fuck right off then. I'm just going to build a bot to auto signup for every possible username combination left in the latin alphabet. Then after the media bullshit dies down they'll be changing this policy.
👺
19 -
How I confused an Indian co-worker.
I noticed that his office desk was using a multi-outlet power strip connected to another one, and then one more after that, because the cable length was too short.
Me: pointing out that this is not allowed in our company.
Him: dafuq-look.
Me: yeah, electrical safety, we need to replace this. Gonna ask IT whether they have something (they did), replaced it.
Him: different dafuq-look.
Me: I guess that's the most German thing you've run into, right?
Him: uh, yes, but I can see the point. :)9 -
Doing a python code review after working in Scala is all:
"Why the loop? Can you just put a function here and... oh yeah, right... python does not allow it. I could have written these 20 lines in 4 if was Scala"
Scala, stop spoiling me!!4 -
So the company didn't make an offer in the end because I was "not motivated enough" and "too interested in 4-day-week / PTO". Yeah right, fuck me for wanting to have a life outside work. *sigh*3
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Maybe not a new rant but: When someone asks you for a feature and always says "its easy and simple" ... Yeah right... 😡2
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Wtf. So if I say I'm a web developer and I say I'm from Russia. Then I am automatically a hacker for you? "Web developer + Russian = 95% chance of being a hacker". Yeah, right. Since now, right after I say I'm from Russia I always add this: "No, I'm not a hacker and no, I didn't hack the last election, but I can tell you your last four digits of your SSN if you show me your debit card". Guess what, no one wants to talk to me anymore.12
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Every time I tell someone my major they respond the same way: “I know your job prospects look good! I need my computer fixed right now...”
Yeah, let me write you a script real quick that will fix the screen you busted when yo sat on your laptop.1 -
When a client says they no longer have time for one of their websites and asks you to make it completely autonomous.
Yeah sure, I'll go ahead and install Skynet on it right away!
I no longer have any motivation to work with that client. -
Senior[0]: emacs is the best text editor
Senior[1]: yeah, right. It literally stands for Emacs Makes A Computer Slow.
ME: GNU loves recursive acronyms, don't they?
Senior[0]: lol
Senior[1]: lol
ME: what?
Senior[0]: he obviously made it up
Senior[0]: no, I didn't. Use vim ffs. -
Almond: "This isn't right, we need to use <blah> instead"
Phil: <Marks as resolved>
Almond: "This still doesn't look to be resolved"
Phil: "IT IS RESOLVED IT WILL BE PUBLISHED AS PART OF MY NEXT COMMIT WHICH I WILL PUSH ON SCHEDULE LATER TODAY"
🙄
...yeah, that makes sense...4 -
Senior Tech lead keeps yapping about "we need more comments in the code"... Yeah right...
I reviewed his PR today:
# Get the feature list
builder.get_feature_list()
# Assign the features to the columns
target.columns = features
...
FFS15 -
Nope, definitely not going to work for that customer anymore. Fuck this shit. At least for this week.
My background: mid-30 years old, some kind of business & IT consultant / lead dev working for a mid sized CRM consulting company, with approx 15 years of experience in development and software architecture, most of the time "thinking" in C#, still learning new languages, being a cloud evangelist and team lead. We usually have customers with customers (B2B/B2C).
Personality type "campaigner" (ENFP-A).
Today the project lead of my client (a big corporation in the energy industry) told me that he still didn't order all the necessary resources for the cloud project. Just to be clear: He's on the client side. We (the architects, one internal and me) told him one month ago what we need for the beginning. Just a few things - an Azure subscription, a license for the CRM platform, and our dev tools.
And now let's guess when the project is planned to begin? Yeah, right: 1st of April. NO APRIL'S FOOL. And guess what? Next Tuesday we'll do the onboarding for the new (external) devs, and NOTHING will be ready. Yeah, just let us build stuff in our minds, and on the whiteboards, because it's an AGILE project, right? We don't need any systems and tools...
And now he sent me the questionnaires which need to be answered before any cloud service can be ordered by the corporate IT. And yes, he didn't answer a single thing, and just meant "Those are architecture questions" (they are not) and (of course) "please provide the answers until Monday morning, so we can FINALLY order the services."
Yeah, you fucktard. Of course it's MY FAULT now. Maybe I should write an email to your boss asking how we can speed things up a little bit...3 -
Pffff...... Wanna make an app tomorrow...
Got no clue what to make....
Maybe something with big AI learning data machine. Yeah I think that hits all the right buzzwords :P
Any ideas you're willing to share?2 -
Client: "This is where the projector hooks up to a computer right?"
Me: "Yeah"
Client: "Awesome can it hook up to a laptop?"2 -
Rust devs on social media are the vegans of the programming world.
Yeah, we get it, you like your hot new programming language. I'm not bashing the language, I've never used it so I'd have no right to say anything about it.
But holy hell, you guys don't have to show up in every discussion about programming languages that aren't Rust to evangelicize how great Rust is. Like damn, there could be a thread on Twitter about Python and you'd be like "yeah Python's great but have you ever heard of our lord and savior, Jesus cRUST?"
Just shut up lol.12 -
Just another day at the office:
Boss: you need to leave early today because I am upgrading and reconfiguring the servers.
Me: ok, what happens if you fuck it up?
Boss: we lose all of our work
Me: but it's backed up right?
Boss: yeah, I think so
Me: ...ok, see ya tomorrow
1hr later
Text from boss: oops...6 -
So I was changing some CSS, but the changes weren't showing.
Was it being cached? Nope
Was the selector wrong? Nope
Well it was the right file yeah? Yup
So after like 10min of scratching my head, restarting the server, etc it turns out I was checking prod instead of dev.
This isn't even the first time this has happened 😑
Guys just remember to keep your dev tab and your prod tab away from each other, like way away.8 -
*sighs heavily, utters a few profanities, starts updating resume*
This one is on me. I thought I had vetted this place well and asked the right probing questions during the interview, the core product is very cool but the company is too functionally immature.
it feels like Im in a relationship with someone who is really nice, very attractive and clearly very book-smart but has absolutely zero emotional intelligence and even less of a clue in general about what they actually want and need from the relationship. And to that I say:
“…yeah nah.” -
*meeting on Monday*
Client: so I've got this project I want you to do, it's simple right?
Me: seems so
Client: so I'll pay you this much because it's so simple
Me: uhhhhhhhh
Underpaying client: I also told my higher ups that you'd be done by Friday you can do that yeah
Me: ..................2 -
My boss: Can you write something to append the product names with their descriptions?
Sure. Sure you want that?
Yes. Asap please.
Okay, I'll finish it this today.
*Done
Finished it, want me to publish this to production?
Yeah.
(One week later)
Did you put those name changes online?
Yes, why.
Oh damn, your co-worker, D. Trump, has changed a lot of the names so they index better on Google. You should check those kind of things before changing it online.
Right..
Concerns a few thousand products. Long story hah
Tldr; updated many product names overriding many hours of manual labour.7 -
Me : Yeah dude, totally. I support Right To Privacy.
Also Me : To get OTP filled automatically, i need to ask Recieve Sms Permission from user. Also to send them, too.
😂😂😂😂8 -
(most of the) Medium authors all suck fucking dick. Those fuckers are the reason the internet needs an IQ lock.
Stats about React vs Angular vs Vue.
Yeah of course let's compare search count of React vs Vue vs Angular but Vue must be searched with ".js" appended. NOT A SINGLE FUCK ADDS .JS WHEN SEARCHING FOR VUE.
Left: stats from article
Right: stats, if you use google trends correctly
7 -
When I still in college one of my friend called me
Friend : you major is CS right?
Me: yeah
Friend : I want to buy a new PC
Me : cool
Friend :just to check with you what is the price for a 512M memory?
Me : ......2 -
“Free? Must be trash.”
“Pay for it? Psss yeah right. I’m sure there’s a free version.”
“Wait... really really expensive and a really really long line and a chance I won’t even be allowed to buy it? I’m am so there.”
- everyone but me?8 -
My newly joined developer colleague had some problem starting the web app we are working on locally. After changing some configuration files,
Me: Restart the app
My Dev Colleague: Do I have to close it?
Me: Yeah, there will be a red cross on the right top corner, just click on that😑😒2 -
>Why is chrome making my computer turn off all of a sudden?
<Boss, you have a quite old iMac with fully updated chrome, which is known to eat RAM. PLus, you've been using that computer as a donkey to do video editing, even tho it's not made for that (looking at the stats), and you have your home folder on an external hard drive, plus like 10 other apps always active, including premiere, illustrator, airmail (with 12k emails always loaded smh), slack on 2 workspaces and at LEAST 12 chrome tabs on some of the heaviest websites
>Mmh... yeah you're right, I'm kinda asking for it2 -
Other team lead: Hi DevOps Team, We need you to deploy this app to production. It's maintainers gave up on it in 2019, but we looked at it and it feels right.
Me: Uhm. That's not going to work. It'll fail the security scan before you can even finish the build in CI.
Other team lead: Yeah, this app is the right thing to do, and we needed it last week, but since that won't work, we'll just use this other very very infant technology that was just born yesterday. It's not stable in production, or on MySQL, or in AWS at all, but it's the other direction we can to go.
Me: What problem are you trying to solve in the first place?
Other team lead: Oh, we need access to the read from the production database.2 -
Need two needles, two infusion hoses and 5 - 10 l of coffee.
The blood must go, the caffeine get in instead.
And yeah. This sounds fantastical in my brain right now, as I'm literally drooling half asleep in front of the PC.
It's 16 o clock in germany and I have gotten done nothing.
And I think I should put on some baby bips or the keyboard fries from drool.6 -
*lunch break at work*
okay, let's play some dota...
*playing dota*
see crush eating, talking, flirting and having fun w/ someone... aaah shit heee weee go again 🤪 or not, whatever, I don't care, yeah, she's not my gf, I'm fine, everything is fine...
*a few minutes later*
client: hey, need this change right now
me: ok 👌
*keyboard sound*
ok, done, let's create a PR
*PR created*
me to myself: yeah, told ya
*PR merged*
me to myself again (I'm a sane person don't worry 😈): that was some badass code you wrote. see? I don't care about crush
*a few minutes later*
client: why the fuck did you ask to merge into master? (I created 33 PRs before and all were merged into the correct branch so they didn't check anymore)
me: *looking at crush 🙄*1 -
So can someone explain to me what's all the drama around our recent burned out sourceforge-dude? Y'all know you can just, ignore his/her rants/comments right? Unless I'm missing something here, I don't see the big deal. Not the first quirkling we've seen here, not the last. And It's not like he's spamming posts either, seems like a post a day, perfectly ignorable if you don't want to read their walls of text.
Like yeah, the levels of aggression are a "bit" too much but still. Ignorable.35 -
"Hey guys, we should start using ESLint. It's a popular linter. There's 13,000+ styling inconsistencies it could streamline using `--fix`"
"Yeah... But these errors, they're not really errors, right? So, we don't need to fix them."
...
1. I never said they were errors. Do you know how a linter works?
2. Sure, I guess being consistent and familiar are overrated qualities of a codebase. Carry on!4 -
The one they say they fire you and say that everything will be all right and you’re nice but you have to live.
If you ever be in such situation remember at the end to thank them a lot that they decided to fire you but also ask why it took them so long to figure this out. ( especially if you work more than couple of years ).
Their faces after your question - priceless.
Thank again and immediate leave afterwards so they can ask themselves this question till the end of their lives and you will actually feel better and remember their stupid faces that will make you laugh when you’re old.
And yeah everything gonna be probably all right but you need to find better job not same stupid deep shits.1 -
Signed up on Freelancer as a soft engg. graduate with quite a lot of projects in Android and web services. A guy inboxes me regarding an applied bid and once everything's clear and mutually agreed upon with, he presents me with this one God damn question - "how many years of experience have you got?"
With truth said, all I get in response is, "looking for people with more exp. thanks for your time".
Yeah I'm sure he was born with 5+ y experience right off the bat. 😠12 -
Stupid stupid stupid API that returns a 204 on failed validations.
Informative docs? Hell no! Here's a few hundred long-ass field names that you need to pass as a JSON.
Doesn't work huh? Yeah, you're structure's all wrong. Some of these are grouped in vaguely named keys like "Wholesale".
Oh you need those as well? Yeah, you can see the whole structure if you try to GET an object.
Oh you need an ID to GET an object? Yeah you can just go ahead and create as many as you want. This is just a sandbox API, it's cool.
Oh that's not the point? Ahh you need the structure to be able to create one! *haha* Right, I'll get back to you on that.
* Email correspondence over 2 weeks time. I have still yet to be able to make a an actual successful request. The fucking 204 doesn't count if it doesn't actually create the resource.
Fucking fucky fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I swear to god if I ever meet this guy in person, I will probably buy him coffee or beer and have a long talk about how to build proper REST APIs.
Because I'm nice like that.8 -
Ever have one of those days where you're just:
"Man i don't want to get into THAT right now, don't know why but I just don't...."
Then a task jumps out at you.
"Oh shit that, yeah I want to do that!"
I don't know what the difference is but sometimes one task seems more motivating for no reason at all.2 -
"You basically need a iOS and Android app, with access to the driver and also to the final client with an administrative environment and integration to pay online via the app"
- Uber like app request from a friend -
Average social media experience
Post: Guys, I have such a headache right now ughh.
Comments:
#1. Omg, so relatable haha.
#2. Yeah I literally have a migraine rn. LITERALLY.
#3. I am in the MRI room while I read this thread. You have no idea how easy you've got.
#4. Backenders are only about being an asshole. Also, JS rules and you know it.
#5. I like trains.4 -
I'm addicted to world of warships right now😫
Which game you guys plays a lot ?
Used to play cs 1.6 a lot too 😝
Yeah I know 1600 BC Game but it's still really fun😄17 -
Yeah, it's just a website....hosting 3B active users...
That's like a 3 person job, at most, right?
10 -
These slides are going to be available to you after the presentation...
Yeah... right ..... fuck you2 -
Agile my ass.
What has become of: "Individuals and interactions over processes and tools"?
A fuckton of rules and processes to do it the 'right' way: tickets, estimations, hours of sprint planning. Yeah, we're so professional we no longer have time to write code.
Note: manifest was mainly full of fluffy business buzzword bullshit (effective sustainable excellence), but one thing resonated:
>Simplicity--the art of maximizing the amount of work not done--is essential.
(I cherish every line of code deleted or unwritten, so it needn't be maintained)4 -
I did one of those shitty logic bullshit tests these a few weeks ago. It was fucking dumb. Was told to write an algorithm to test when an egg would break if it was dropped off a ladder with 100 steps. An egg would break if you dropped it without being on a ladder. Am I right? The guy was like yeah but what if it didn't? I said Well it would. Eggs are fragile. How about you go away with your fictional fucking logic and ask me some proper question that test my actual coding knowledge instead of trying to pony about on your high horse. Cunt!7
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Fucking regulations, can’t play with twilio api.
Waiting for verification of my identity to make a fucking test call to myself.
Wanted to make a proof of concept during weekend, but won’t happen cause some fucking policies.
Fuck you government pigs.
Probably need to wait to fucking Monday. I will forget what I wanted to do till that time.
We are making your life easier all the time in the news, yeah right eat those popups motherfuckers.
Next regulation - government code reviews before push to master and programmer certification, for sure those fuckers are able to do it.
Really considering emigration from Europe right now.
No fucking point to start a business on this continent.
More fucking law please so we would need a lawyer before wiping ass.
Need to watch that southpark episode about security toilet checkout once again.2 -
Not a rant, just another story about me and the man I'm gonna wife.
We both have an upcoming job interview, and I was just talking about how at our previous internship I was using python to automate some tedious tasks for me.
Me: it's like a general thing, right, to just automate things you don't really want to do
...
Me: like breathing, and waking up, ya know? I don't wanna do that shit
Him: it kind of already is automated.
Me: *three years of wasted time at med school come tumbling back in to my brain, suddenly recalling the brainstem*
Me: oh, yeah.1 -
Boss: "Drop everything and help us test this application, right now!"
Me: "The environment isn't even configured properly.."
Boss: "yeah, we'll get to it"
Fuck you, Monday.1 -
So I get an email from college career development for a web developer & designer position.
Read into the requirements & function, I find this....
Who the fuck does put HARD CODING before CODING.. why would you even put that on the requirements. People are going to read that and find out how you run your company.
We all do some hard coding here & there but recruiters think it's a skill that comes before coding.. hard coding isn't coding hard...
They don't say company's name in email so I got suspicious.. or perhaps I thought I can be a detective lol. I was able to find out the company and looked at their Glassdoor.
Of course they have 1.6 stars.. two 1 star reviews by their employees. I can just imagine the horror working at this place lol.
Oh & the manager makes something like 110k.
3 -
The annual end of year meeting that takes a 3 day offsite so we can list 21 new enterprise projects to be completed the upcoming year - hehe 😅
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I gave a rant yesterday about this. But I have to say it again because it's so gratifying. It went like this
Me: "you should patch the module instead of using it for your python unit test."
Them: "You keep telling me this, but maybe there is a better way"
Me: "there is, I'm telling it to you"
Next day, Code review.
Me: "You need to change this"
... silent on the issue ...
On a call...
Me: "You need to patch the module. Don't mess up the namespace."
Them: "I don't think so, X did the work"
(In my head: then what did you do)
Me: "We can grab whoever you like Y, X. Let's see if X is busy"
... X isnt busy, hops on call 45 seconds later.
Me: "we're using the module, we should patch this'
X: Muses the thought for 2-3 seconds.
X: "yeah... Yeah we probably should patch that"
Moral of the story, don't take shit personally unless your right... Then relish in. But if your right and X says otherwise, you can always + a rant. -
!dev
People these days...
At a bakery 3 girls didn't bother to clean up after themselves although the only thing left to do was to t aske the tray and dump it's contents into the trash can WHICH IS ON THEIR WAY OUT. Yeah but have enough time to cake on rediculous amounts of makeup...
Someone literally shat at the tram stop at the main station so whenever took leave the tram you might just step into it.
Then there are always those religious people trying to hand out pamplets about how great their religion is and how much it is helping- they stand right next to a crippled homeless begger.
Just wow.9 -
me, first job interview:
interviewer: so how about your knowledge of java
me: yeah, done some projects, should be ok
interviewer: what about polymorphism in java, can you tell me sth about it?
me (thinking i'm totally right): hehe, you can't do polymorphism in java!
guess what, didnt get the job :D6 -
Boss thinks the CMS that another dev built over the course of a good year, will make customers say "ooooh yeah, I will definately come to you and pay a shitload of money for a buggy and unfinished system, even tho I will never be able to leave with a working copy of my website like I could with wordpress".
The whole effing things is based on an old, outdated version of a popular PHP framework.
Oh yeah, and I can not update <the framework> because the dev has tinkered with the core files :)
Yay.
The whole fucking thing won't run on PHP7 and will explode right into my boss's face.
Not mine though, because I will be gone by then :) -
Sometimes I get so excited about doing something that I'm genuinely happy. But when the initial high fades and I'm ten layers of complex code problems deep I always remember how useless I really am
Oh but this time it's gonna be different.
yeah right4 -
So we have this project that we are hosting on our testing server for presentation purposes ( already provisioning prod server ).
Our boss was presenting it to investors and my superior committed a bug there and was asking me help to figure out how to fix it (yeah.. he doesn't know how to checkout last commits in git... fml), and I realised the presentation might still be going on... so I asked: isn't boss showing it to investors?
superior: lol, idk maybe.
me: right... ( I proceed to roll back changes ) bye, have a good lunch.
And here I am having lunch considering my life choices. -
My boss was telling me about his plans for me and the next projects till the next year, while my patrner was smiling knowing that i'm leaving soon once i find the perfect moment/ opportunity.
I was like "uhm, ok, yeah right" c:2 -
Developing an app in Unity, gotta add some icons, my boss tells me unironically:
- "hey, use font-awesome!"
Yeah, right, like I can use HTML tags into unity or go check the specific code for the specific symbol, are you out of your mind?7 -
Corona shows that certain webshops were bought up cheaply and can't handle large loads. The fact that my shopping cart constantly crashes, the website itself crashes, flips between logged in and logged out, state is constantly corrupted and.. every so now and then I get 500 server errors, yeah, clear signs of no load balancing policy.
Everyone is raping the shopping sites right now.
I hate cheapskates. -
I was stuck for almost 2 weeks on a button that would display, given a certain icon, and that would not display if it was another icon, although I checked the icons multiple times to make sure they existed.
A asked a co-worker for help. He looked at my code, couldn't figure out either. Called a 3rd co-worker. He looked at my code. "Yeah, seems right? ... Wait a second!" He found the problem.
... One FUCKING TYPO I had always overlooked, that was the name of the icon. 🤦2 -
Sometimes Im pretty impressed and envious by the skills of my fellow students.
Usually it looks like this:
me: So Uhm what u got for the <insert class here>?
him/her: Well its pretty simple algorithm which has big O of (Log(n)/1000000) which also mines bitcoin in the meanwhile and yeah, last night I figured out that it now generates electricity...
me: Uhm... My program prints Hello world... But backwards...
Like for real, sometimes I wish I find the motivation, to be awake 2 days straight just bursting with ideas of some crazy shit. Right now Im like 'You see that star behind that cloud? Jup it shines too bright, gotta get some sleep' -> Browsing devrant...2 -
Sitting 3h in a bullshit claiming and blaming meeting called 'refinement' as 'the tech expert' while PO and customers fight how stories and bugs should be priorized and importantly enough they discussed why the god damn bugfix isn't alive yet that was promised to be deployed this morning.. I was up to deploy it right the time they said I really have to go to that meeting... Yeah.. Business as usual
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Why was this even possible? Someone managed to make a GTK application in PHP, yeah a GTK application in PHP. I have no words...
https://kksou.com/php-gtk2/...5 -
I started to learn programming to be liked by a girl and since then I periodically ask myself if this is really for me... And periodically, right as I start thinking it may not be for me, I find myself solving issues programming stuff, seeing parallelism between software development and anything and randomly toss out the classical: "you know, with and Arduino you could(...)" To people put of nowhere.
So yeah. Guess it's for me. I hate it but... Wait, I could automate my windows depending on the difference between internal and external temperature... Hmm... Later guys, got a project to deal with!14 -
Seems like it's going to be a slow Christmas...
1Gb/1Gb connection... Yeah right...
Or maybe this is because I've been noughty this year?
2 -
1am and I'm waiting for my zipped project to finish uploading to OneDrive, so I can send my prof a link to it, because our fucking intranet just gloriously shat itself again -_-... Because a GitHub link is too mainstream I guess?
Ah yeah, deadline was 1h ago, but who cares about deadlines right?... -
I got yet another scammer calling me, this time it's something wrong with my computer LOL calling from Microsoft.
I flat out said this:
OH so you're a scammer right? Because there is nothing wrong with my PC.
I know I was supposed to post the other number on 4chan, but where exactly would I do so? there are so many categories and I'm new to 4chan
The guy hung up immediately!
Here ya go: 05967175950 bastard deserves to go to jail scamming normal PC users out of their information!3 -
I'm so happy.
If nothing goes wrong I'm starting a formation on eletrónics, robotics and hardware in the end of the month...
Oh yeah, exactly what I needed right now. -
I wonder if there are employers here who read some of the rants and say, "oh wow, we shouldn't treat our developers this way, we should change."
Heh, yeah right.6 -
Yeah ok. I went to bed extra early yesterday but i kept waking up at night and now i am tired anyways but thats ok. i have to go to work now but thats good. yeah this is great. now when the sun is up and i have to go to work, my body feels like it could sleep 10 hours straight but hey, i think this is just what i need right now before work.
-
I just implemented the cookie popup you wanted me to make. And now you give me a call that your tracking code doesn't appear in the source code?
Oh, but you don't see the cookie popup? You saw it right? So you've already set your cookie permissions, probably not to accept tracking cookies. We can check by... what's that?
If I can make the tracking code appear anyway?
...
Yeah, sure, no problem, change will be live in five minutes.2 -
!rant... but just gotta say... this new M1 MacBook feels fucking awesome. And I already had a late 2019 MacBook. The actual feel is different... right? Not just the chip? But it's super super fast. Also NO fan when I record screencasts...
It's super fucking rad... and - yeah. Just kinda want to shout that. Maybe I'm crazy...10 -
Weblogic Server won't start, broken build was auto-deployed. How does a broken build even get deployed? 🙄
Told "till the server is fixed work on your next-release bugs". Sure, can investigate, maybe even code fixes, but with a broken dev environment how do we test anything?
" Hmm..Oh yeah, right" 🤔 -
I just crave to start an open-source project. It's just that I don't feel like doing it alone. Anywone up for doin' something stupid? I have a few silly ideas in mind 😅
(Yeah, I need some other project than work...)
(Oh, right. Didn't feel like posting this over at the collab section. Felt to vague.)7 -
In a class right now. The rants are more interesting than what the professor is teaching!
How our professors teach:
Step 1: Open up a PDF of the subject book.
Step 2: Read everything line-by-line.
Step 3: "Refer the internet".
Yeah, because I don't have the book to read the shit you're teaching.1 -
As a developer you're expected to perform all sorts of tasks that don't necessarily involve any coding or development at all. "A web form in Drupal? Uhm, it's got something to do with the web, right? Yeah, let's dump it on 'IT'."
So now I've been given this most frustrating task to use some form engine in Drupal. I have no access to the PHP code itself, and I don't even know what this form engine is called. All I know it's the crappiest of crap. The more I use it the more I hate it. -
just read about that DRAGONBRIDGE takedown.
Apparently it was some system set up to disseminate pro-China anti-USA propaganda in multiple channels.
Now, I totally can believe something like this would exist - too easy a jab to a fantastically big payout if it actually works. However, isn't it easy to call *anything* contrary to *anything* a propaganda plot?
That is why I believe in NOTHING that is on the internet. NOTHING. The internet says I have "credit card" "outstanding debt" to "pay" "ASAP".
Yeah, right. Half of those aren't even real words (I mean, "card"?! come on). You won't get me, opposing view propaganda machine!1 -
Last week we were only one step ahead of going in production mode with the angular web app i coded a half year long. Sounds good right?
Yeah this morning my boss said in the dev Meeting, blazer is now in preview mode, let's do it with this tech, so our full stack is in c#...
He is not a web dev. He want to step back from coding in the near future, but yeah let's use fucking Blazer 😥
For the rest of the day, i started with a Blazer Test Project.. great start into the short week.
How about your start?6 -
"So you follow this workflow and it breaks"
"Right, we requested that because they're not supposed to do it that way"
"..... But it breaks"
"Yeah it's fine though"
??!?
-
A manager just walked in and asked us to stop advertising a for hire advertisement for one of our stores... Okay no big deal right?
Yeah accept he followed up by asking if we could run an ad that told people that we have hired someone now.
Wouldn't that be like a hotel buying advertising that says they no longer have vacancy?1 -
Just because I didn't get the logic of your labyrinth testing script doesn't mean I'm a bad programmer! Why the fuck do you choose which programmers to get with a Shit labyrinth JS script. I got all the programming right and now I probably won't get the job because of this.
Oh yeah and I did apply for a php job btw. -
Basic requirement of every Data Science college internship:
1) 2-3 years of experience... God damn it
2) Research and publications...(yeah right! in 2 years of college in which you taught me how to "work with" C on Turbo-C... I should have god damn publications... Well worked my ass on and have 2, but guess what campus internships says.. " no fucks given man", solve those damn segment tree question first then we will talk)
Its an infinite recursive while loop
FML -
I was looking for an "alternation" (dunno if this is the right word): you go to work for 75% of the time, and you go to school the 25% left. Like this, you have tons of experience when you grab your diploma, and you can find a job way easier.
So i was in interview in a cool company, close from everything, that only* required to know the basics about Apache, Ruby and Python. The interview goes well, and the dude asks for a finish "you have your driver license right?" "Eeeer. No. I don't really need it, I mean the transports are everywhere in this city soo..."
Let's say I never heard of the dude ever again.
* : Yeah, right. -
Dude closes EVERY issue on his repo IMMEDIATELY with "Why would you need to do that?" Yeah, you're right- it's totally unreasonable to expect my database interface to support integers other than int64. Ugghh1
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Control your searches like an ADULT damn it!!!
So we have records that can have any of a bazillion different reference numbers associated with them. No big deal. Everyone does right?
Our customer's love to run reports and so we have this one option for "just look at a hell of a lot of reference numbers". I call it the 'fuck all' search.
Really it is just there to find something that you don't know where a rando string or number might be in the record and just want to do a "fuck all" search across a number of likely fields to find it... and then presumably you'd be an adult and refine your search from there. LOL yeah right...
Customers get lazy and include that stupid option in their reports and we get a lot of.
Customer: "I always run this report (that includes the fuck all search) and now it isn't working. I want records that have ID 2222."
Me: "Yeah well that was only working because you were rando typing '2222' in like several fields and it would find those .... but now you quit doing that so it won't find them. If you want ID 2222, click the drop down and search by 'ID'. That will find it right away."
Customer: "But I want to just search by 'fuck all search' to find it..."
Me: "But then you get all these other records too right?"
Customer: "Yeah but I just delete them out of the spreadsheet ... "
Me: "Look watch this <screen share> there, look all records with an ID of 2222 and no more extra records you need to delete!!! How great is that?"
Customer: "But why do I have to do it this way now, I want to do it the old way..."
ಠ_ಠ
(granted I could add their ID to the fuck all search but we try to avoid adding too much because it gets out of hand / stops being useful the more fuck all it gets)3 -
For a moment, hold your php-hate in..
..FOR FUCKS SAKE they turned off warnings and errors on the server for customer applications. What the fuck. I mirrored one of those to fiddle around at home to find all generated files stuffed with "warning: we have no idea what we are doing at every line".
FML.
And yeah, the solution for my end is kind of simple, turn them off, too, but how about coding it the right way?:I -
Systems guy: this is how you slow down development projects. By tying design to a software development ticket.
Software guy: yeah but that's how you get reminded to do the work and tie a design requirement to the software development effort in the ticket.
Systems: why do I need to be reminded of my design work?
Me: because you're a year behind software and at this point you are just documenting what software has already done?
Sometimes I feel like the design guys don't understand that if they want to be involved in the process they need to NOT keep us waiting until right up against the deadline to give us the design. -
Currently writing a long-ass new issue to the Docker/CLI repository, to tell them that their online documentation for the manifests is absolute garbage. I mean, a documentation is supposed to tell you how to run commands, not something like "Yeah you try it and maybe it'll work. No it's not the good format, you dumb fuck. Nice, bro, but if you check what changed... That's right, nothing changed. At all. For no reason. Keep trying, it's fun!"
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Yeah right. If we go hybrid mobile app it's like the same work as native but you get 2 apps for 2 platform for the same time / cost. That's how it works 😭
-
It's somewhat nice here. The thing is we have a lot of infrastructure problems and it's hard to implement business here which made it hard to find a job. But if you're working with US clients, it's fine. Internet access and electricity is not reliable, but you can find a workaround.
As a consumer of digital services, it's weird as we're pretty close to the US (2 hours flight) and there's not an embargo against us, but payment processing services won't touch us (legalization is awful for them), so good luck paying with any local issued card. And if anything is country restricted, we're right next to Cuba (Again, legalization). Paypal, Spotify, iTunes, most of Netflix, a few cloud providers.
Yeah, that's it. Right next to the US and no embargo and willingness to learn other languages (Easy to find French, English and Spanish speaker), but with big infrastructure problems (Internet and Electricity) so you can be really qualified and not get a job.
I'm in Haiti.4 -
Hey, I got this new web project, but to be honest I haven’t coded much web in a few years and I’ve heard the landscape changed a bit. You are the most up-to date web dev around here right?
-The actual term is Front End engineer, but yeah, I’m the right guy. I do web in 2016. Visualisations, music players, flying drones that play football, you name it. I just came back from JsConf and ReactConf, so I know the latest technologies to create web apps.
Cool. I need to create a page that displays the latest activity from the users, so I just need to get the data from the REST endpoint and display it in some sort of filterable table, and update it if anything changes in the server. I was thinking maybe using jQuery to fetch and display the data?
read full article at https://hackernoon.com/how-it-feels...1 -
Tldr; Rust community could definitely be way less annoying, but it's way more annoying listening to everyone bitch about it all the fucking time.
rant()
Tired of the Rust hype? Too fucking bad. Quit complaining that people like well-designed languages more than shitty ones. Yeah, rust devs can be real fucking zealous, but at least the language is good. If you don't like listening to people say "why not rust?" ignore them or ask yourself the same fucking question ahead of time so you don't feel defensive when someone asks it later.
Read some shit about how "it doesn't matter what you build it with if the software is good, its all the same". Ever heard of "right tool for the right job"? Rust has applications all over the place, so people are going to talk about it a lot. Also, just no. Like, Python shouldn't be in the Linux kernel for a lot of reasons, so the tools you choose can constrain whether or not your software is actually "good."
Ever heard of "unsubstantiated trust"? Yeah, you might be good at writing C, but you can get that shit to compile with nasty fucking problems and C's a straight up foot gun in my hands. It's hard to write shitty functioning Rust that does what you say it does, which is less unsubstantiated trust.2 -
I know some sites are tracking and collecting a lot of data for advertising. But this is fucking insane... 200!!!! for marketing? For real? Holy shit!
Fuck off already...
(A shitty Danish newspaper - can't even remember why I visited it)
2 -
I love my current job and my company .
Yeah you read it right .
Lemme say why :
Pushes me everyday like the way I wanted .
Keeps me busy but gives me freedom to perform my other interests outside my job.
Appreciates the work I put into.
Pays well.
Not sure about others but I kinda found my FAANG company.3 -
My team builds robots and we're trying to use an IMU for orientation. Asked one of the members to find our spare one because the one in the robot was apparently throwing errors.
Him: "Oh hey I couldn't find it"
Me: "did you look in all the boxes?"
Him: "ya dude I looked in all our boxes, even the box we never use"
Me: "shoot ok I guess we lost one, I'll order another one soon"
*1 day passes*
Me: goes to our main box to get a keyboard out
Me: opens the box, IMU is sitting right on top
Me: pulls out the keyboard, sees ANOTHER IMU sitting in the box
Me: "hey coworker, you said you looked in all the boxes, right?"
Him: "yeah dude no clue where it is."
Me: "it's sitting right on top. Plus there's another one in here"
Him: "oh lol that's weird"
That's all you have to say for yourself? That's weird?! DUDE NOT ONLY WAS IT SITTING RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BOX, THERE WE'RE *2* OF THEM IN THERE, IN THE MAIN BOX WE USE
the sad part is that's not even the worst part of the story... That part to follow soon ;)1 -
*me writing my sweet code like nothing bad could happend*
Xcode: bum! Compiling error
Me: what the...
*compile again
Xcode: yeah right. Bam! Error
*clean, etc. compile again
Xcode: yeah, try your luck looser
Me: ok, let's google it. First stack overflow answer: just change the simulator and should work correctly.
And of course it worked. And that's how it works all day.
Fuck you Xcode! Fuck you Apple!
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Funny how every single one of my side projects fails due to authentication/authorization/user management. Yeah... Funny and stuff... Thats the right word for my discourage I think... Funny! It's funny!
(open for suggestions)4 -
I hate going to bed with a headache only to wake up to a hundred emails about a feature they want in for that morning that the customer "needs" but has only brought up once before as a passing comment. Yeah, it was in the works but I don't have it done... I still have another 5 things to do before it gets done. I have an hour before you need it... There is no possible way to do this right now...
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Yeah right teach us applets because they aren't going to be removed from java once version 10 is live
-
Why Apple has to do every configuration so f**ckin difficult? After a thousand logins, validations, and 2FA just to change my f**ckin region I find that I need to contact local support by chat or call even if my account is clean (no payment method added, no purchases made, etc.). Yeah right, great products, but crappy website UX.1
-
My job description is software developer, and that's the thing I do less because I have also been assigned tasks from other areas that nobody wants to do. Yeah sure, make the IT guy do it, he's not busy and doesn't do much anyway, right? Oh but wait until they do need something coded...3
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Oh yeah, I'm totally an "alpha" male, which means I don't know jack shit about the real world but act like I do, because see, I AM A MAN. Men are "biologically configured" to hunt and establish dominance over these pussies called "Beta males".
It means I got no personality so I spend almost all my time in the gym. Who needs friends when you got muscles am I right?
It means everyone hates me but I don't show that it hurts deep inside. I have deluded myself into believing that as A MAN, I have to create my value in society.
That object you call your wife? Pfftt.. She should be in the kitchen all of the time, because what else women are good for anyway? Oh yeah, SEX. A woman is bound to provide pleasure to her man and her man only. Why would you let her leave the house?25 -
University asks for a uml diagram as a companion for the project files (which need to be in bluej format, FML cancerous ide..)
Yeah right.... -
I simplified 7 functions down to a blob because it was truly unreadable and fragmented. As I did it, I thought there was no way I did it right. This can't be the logic. Nope. It is.
Yeah, the formatting could be better. End of the shift so that's a tomorrow thing.
10 -
I won't keep up with the growing expectations. Yeah, you become more experienced over time as long as you're putting the right kind of work in, but things move on so fast.
I don't want to get to the point where what I know or can do is irrelevant and my skillset lacks what employers need.3 -
Why the GMail API docs and example were sucks, thats totally not cool! Yeah I need your API right now, but wtf is this docs, its so fcuking ugly. Even my swagger generated docs much better than this... Arrrrghh!2
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“Oh lie and let us get away with stuff by giving us total control over what you remember so we can bamboozle you and you can look like you’re either weak or complicit“ oh yeah great idea.
Get right on that .
Far as I can tell you people are all permanently crazy because you all do just that
And your balls are gone9 -
- Change this, change that too, oh and that too.
* Ok, will do ( however unlikely it's going to be finished correctly, as you didn't consult me before or listen to me about the impact this might have )
- ( just stfu and do it )
Sometime at or after important cutoff:
- Hey this doesn't show up, is that right
* Yeah, you wanted too many things changed at once + fix it and notice a stupid error like an && switched with a ||, or other models that don't know about change x yet
/repeat3 -
Hmm... A big text on a UI.Card (on Pebble) crashes the watchapp.
I could design a string length handler and its own text display function...
Or I could divide the text into smaller chunks and call it a day.
Here we go,"4.5"! "4.5+"! "4.5++"!
And now I could look into why it crashes when pressing the back button on a semi long text...
Or I could think of it as an automated memory cleanup! Yeah, right! Awesome! Plus, it's only two press to go back where I was! -
FUCKING NGINX...........
I moved a website to a new server, and nginx redirects me to another fucking website on the same server. I have been trying to fix that for FUCKING 3 HOURS. I did everything. Disabled EVERY site on that server except that one, works. I go back. Guess what..... haha it goes back and FUCKING REDIRECTS ME TO OTHER SITES. You have to be fucking kidding me right 🖕. I check if I miswrote anything, check if it's the control panels fault (doesn't look like it). I make a vhost myself for the site (with the other still active to check if it detected the vhost). Reload...
nginx: "One vhost was ignored because the servername already exists". Yeah yeah you twat nginx.
So le me disables every site again (except le not working site). I enable every site again.
nginx: "owh hey * someip * heres the site".
Me: .............. 😡😡 fucking twat. 🖕🖕
BTW, have no clue what caused it. Seems to work now. It shouldn't be a DNS issue I checked that. Anyone any ideas? Appreciate it.3 -
!rant
If anyone has pretender.io experience with IBM http server (yeah, you read it right), would you be kind enough to share your Twitter handle for a quick chat? -
TechBA: (adter solving a really simple sql change) *yeah right, we really need devs* (implies sarcasm).
A real issue occurs that needs deep dive code analysis.
TechBA: thats not really our responsibility. thats entirely to the developer.
wow.1 -
Built something cool for some people. They are Happy - except of one. He reported Strange behaviour and weird bugs - can't reproduce this shit.. But suddenly He told me something.. guess what? He uses Internet Explorer. Yeah, you're right. Nearly nothing works quiet correct on this piece of Old Browser shit.
-
Yeah, it's Friday morning and guess what I left my laptop work yesterday and who just got a text saying that the server is on their ass.. yeah you are right ME. And my team who can do the same job as me on restarting the application don't ever take action on this kind of thing... Well I hope they will in a few weeks because I will be gone then2
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Oh yeah! I am a struggling coder. I have a dream. I want to be a coder what if I am a software tester now. I will create my own softwares. The day I get my concepts right, you will see me scripting your story!
2 -
So recently I've been feeling like I fooled myself into thinking I'm any good at anything regarding development.
Today I tried to deploy a Console Application that would run nightly. The production systems are much more guarded, as it should be, but I should still be able to schedule a windows task (yeah yeah, windows servers, not the time Linux fanboys and not my choice :P) no problem.
Except I didn't expect that network users can't run jobs, because of a Group Policy about saving passwords on network accounts.
I expected a local administrator account to be available, and it wasn't.
Also a web API isn't available, even though I could telnet to the address on port 443 (HTTPS). A proxy apparently accepts all HTTP/HTTPS traffic and so on.
All this I feel like I should have known....
So am I in my own head, or am I right in thinking maybe I'm not "pro" development yet? Maybe I don't deserve to be "pro".
Thoughts?4 -
Doesn’t it bother anyone else that both HTTP/2 and HTTP/3 were both SPDY and QUIC at Google first? Yeah I know ideas have to “come from somewhere” and I guess it’s not really any different than the AT&T/Bell Labs/MIT of the past; but something doesn’t feel right.10
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Learning a piece of software from an external supplier. The manual is thick like the bible. The examples fail without explanation. Trying to contact support just leads you down an endless trail of support articles. Damn right I get frustrated and bored. Can you blaim me for rather hanging around on devRant than desperately trying to work around problems in someone else's system/documentation? Yeah, I have to pull my shit together, but they have to pull theirs first.
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Long Story short. I'm developing a Web Platform for my company to share documents with our partners.
So this was way back in 2016. The site is finished for almost two years now. But the department's who wanted this in the first place didn't gave me permission to deploy until like two months ago. Now the site is running online. Yay.
Well guess what. The department responsible for the creation of sad documents, now wants a full blown configuration web site. Best part. Can it be like Free Commander? Yeah right I'm gonna build this on a website. The fuck is wrong. It was just a simple table with some helpful info to help them track their files.2 -
Do you ever read and re-read the description of some up coming training sessions and it reads like porn to you?
And you're like, yeah, I picked the right profession. -
!rant
hey you, yeah, you my friend who uses terminal, I'm sure you have already made some useful scripts right? wouldn't you like to share those ideas of your in the comments below? I'd love to steal them 😈😂3 -
Amazing a repeat post
And a confession of the pain I'm in right now that barely describes it
Would have expected a "take meds you don't need because we know our part in the problem our slow destruction of life's meaning and your mind and talents and all purposes for social connections and our destruction of all worthy institutions but yeah take your meds crazy" hell I would have maybe even expected a description of you ruined peoples underwear and wandering hands heh1
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