Me: IT call center.

Lady: Hi! I cant access the shared folder!

Me: Ok. I'll try and help you out. Whats happening when you click on it?

Lady: ok ok... {clicks}... Now it's asking me to entered my password. Should I enter it?

Me: Do you know it?

Lady: Yeah.

Me: yeah try entering it.

Lady: YES. That worked! Thank you so so much!!!

Me: No problem. Have a good day!

If you are reading this, I want you to know that I am probably on some kind of FBI watchlist because I googled "How to kill all children while leaving the parent alive". So yeah, Linux is brutal.

Train conversation between 3 girls:

A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
.....
Kill me pls

Me: Did Sherry let you know that I'm leaving today?

Coworker: what!? No!

Me: yeah... I'm leaving.

Coworker: huh, I'm not surprised...

Me: what is that supposed to mean!?

Co: shit man, this job sucks, I'm not surprised. I'll be leaving right behind you.

Me: oh.... Um... April Fools... 😬

Co: God damnit.

Me: don't worry, I won't tell the boss how you really feel.

Designer: can we put the popup at the top of the screen?

Me: You mean op top of the navigation?

Designer: Yeah.

Me: I sure can. Would be stupid to block off the site navigation with a popup, but definately possible.

Designer: Cool, let me know when done!

Me: ....

Me: I am done.

Designer: Well now I can't click on the navigation anymore.

Me: That's correct. Let me know when you want to change it again.

Kid(age: 17): What kind of programming do you do?

Me: Well, I started writing scripts in Python, but in the last few months I moved to IOS development, so like making apps.

Kid: So you write scripts for phones?

Me: Not exactly—

Kid: Do you know what jailbreaking is?

Me: Yeah.

Kid: So do you jailbreak stuff?

Me: No—

Kid: Oh so you don’t really do programming.

:’(

Part of my job involves speaking with users on the phone and I really don’t mind it except for THESE PEOPLE:

Me: Hi! XYZ Co. this is Tawzer!
Them: Hi Tawzer this is blah blah I need help with the website I just can’t figure it out!
Me: Okay! Let me ju-
Them: Yeah you know I’ve been struggling for hours with it I really don’t have time for this.
Me: Oh I imagine! What’s your-
Them: Well I was gonna try and get everything done today by 3 but with all of this tech stuff going wrong I just don’t know...
Me: That sounds frustrating, can i get your-
Them: Is this going to take long??
Me: Nope! I just need to know your-
Them: like I said I just really don’t have time for this!
Me: ........ What’s your-
Them: well I-
Me: WHAT’S YOUR USERNAME
Them: Uh I don’t know can you look me up? I didn’t know I’d need that.
Me: 👩🏻‍💻

A while ago (few months) I was on the train back home when I ran into an old classmate. I know that he's a designer/frontend/wordpress guy and I know that he'll bring anyone down in order to feel good. I also know that he knows jack shit about security/backend.
The convo went like this:

Me: gotta say though, wordpress and its security...
Him: yeah ikr it's bad. (me thinking 'dude you hardly know what the word cyber security means)
Me: yeah, I work at a hosting company now, most sites that get hacked are the wordpress ones.
Him: yeah man, same at my company. I made a security thing for wordpress though so we can't get hacked anymore.
Me; *he doesn't know any backend NOR security..... Let's ask him difficult stuff*
Oh! What language did you use?
Him: yeah it works great, we don't get hacked sites anymore now!
Me: ah yeah but what language did you use?
Him: oh it's not about what language you use, it's about whether it works or not! My system works great!
Me: *yeah.....right.* oh yeah but I'd like to know so I can learn something. What techniques did you use?
Him: well obviously firewalls and shit. It's not about what techniques/technology you use, it's about whether it works or not!

That's the moment I was done with it and steered the convo another way.

You don't know shit about backend or security, cocksucker.

Shopping for fridge with sister in law.

"Yeah that one is nice but it doesn't have an app"

"Why do you need an app for your fridge"

"I don't know, but this other fridge has an app, so I think if it doesn't have an app it's not that good"

"But it's very energy-efficient, silent and spacious. The one with the app is the same size, has a worse energy rating, is noisier and is more expensive as well"

"Yeah I know but if there's no extra features that's kind of boring"

"You are everything that's wrong with modern consumers"

This actually happend in my secondary school class. A new guy came to our class. The whole family moved from another city.
*new guy want to start conversation with me*
new guy: "So you into computers and stuff like that?"
me: "Yes" *seems like a cool guy , want to develop the conversation further* "what about you man? do you like computers? do yo program or smth?"
*new guy wants to look cool in front of me*
new guy: " Yeah dude, actually I am hacker"
*me saying to myself, oh fuck not again this shit*
he continues with: " Once I got into the NASA system"
*switches mode to making fun of him*
me: "what the fuck man? really? that´s freaking cool, how you manage to do that? "
new guy: " you know the thing when you press F10 when starting a comupter? "
me: "You mean BIOS?"
new guy : "yeah yeah man through that shit"
* I am done, laughing my ass off and walks away*

Manager: You know you did good this week, take the entire day off tomorrow

Dev: Really?

Manager: Yeah my treat.

Dev: Can you send that to me in an email?

Manager: ….I mean yeah, but I don’t see why that is necessary

*** About halfway through The next day

Manager: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! YOU HAVEN’T COMPLETED A SINGLE TICKET TODAY OR REVIEWED A SINGLE PR OR EVEN SO MUCH AS ATTENDED THE STANDUP. EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

Dev: You said I could take the day off today?

Manager: YEAH BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY TAKE IT OFF!! I WAS GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW DEDICATION TO THE COMPANY BY COMING IN ANYWAY BUT NO YOU THOUGHT YOU’D JUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OUR GENEROSITY AND HAVE AN ENTIRE DAY TO YOURSELF?! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS, THERE ARE URGENT TICKETS ON THE BOARD!

Dev: …

Friend: hey I started learning java..
Me: great, good luck.

*After few minutes

Friend: Hey I heard you're good in java programming..

Me: yeah I know stuff.

Friend: So can you teach me all good things in java?

Me: but..

Friend: half hour is supposed to be enough, right?

Me: hell no, it's not like that..

this stupid thinks half hour is enough to transmit all my career to his stoned brain..

I am going to die!

Drug dealer : yo, you code right?

Me: yeah, why

Drug dealer: can you hack into the police station.. You know, see if they are checking me out.. If they know I'm dealing.. I'll just move

(I've never hacked but I know i could learn if I have to)

Me:... That's actually brilliant

I love in a small town at the moment.. I bet the police security is a joke

Kinda high risk though

My brother just called me asking for help in some MS server thing and I'm like "I don't know that!" (I really don't), and he replied "Yeah, you know, mom told me to call you to ask for help.". Jesus Christ. Just because I'm in CS it doesn't mean I know everything informatics-related.
I now know your pain, devRanters. I usually don't mind being the IT support (so much that my parents call me to help them when their computers decide to randomly die or do something weird because of something they've done, but I live like 300km away because of uni so I can't just go there and help them. Sometimes I say "Ask your son" (he's taking a tech course in high school), but my brother cuts out of it like "I don't know how to fix it" without even looking at it sometimes. Well duh, me neither at times, but google is your friend damn it. Sometimes I search for the answers. Other times I just poke around in the program until I find what's wrong. Either way, when I say I don't know and/or I can't really do much about it they give me the usual "We're paying your uni fees for what?" (in a joking tone but. I'M NOT STUDYING FOR THAT, I WANNA BE A GAME DEV DAMN IT)), but goddamn it I don't know everything just because I am a CS student. I wanna help but sometimes I can't. Deal with that >:V

Boss: "Why weren't you in the project meeting? You were supposed to present!"
Me: "I'm not on that project, Bob was before he quit."
Boss: "Yeah, but I assumed you'd take it over. We need you to be working on it."
Me: "What? I don't know anything about it, nothing."
Boss: "Yeah, but you guys went to lunch together, what else would you have talked about?"

Manager: *taps dev on shoulder* We need to do B

Dev: I know, you created a ticket for it yesterday

Manager: Yeah but it hasn’t been done yet. It needs to get done.

Dev: I’m currently working on A which is higher priority

Manager: Ok but B needs to be done too

Dev: I know, it’s next on my board

Manager: I’m just making sure you are aware of it

Dev: I am aware of it, it’s next on the board

Manager: Ok but make sure you do it after A

Dev: Yup it’s next up

Manager: Ok, don’t let anyone distract you

Dev: …

Hey, Root? How do you test your slow query ticket, again? I didn't bother reading the giant green "Testing notes:" box on the ticket. Yeah, could you explain it while I don't bother to listen and talk over you? Thanks.

And later:
Hey Root. I'm the DBA. Could you explain exactly what you're doing in this ticket, because i can't understand it. What are these new columns? Where is the new query? What are you doing? And why? Oh, the ticket? Yeah, I didn't bother to read it. There was too much text filled with things like implementation details, query optimization findings, overall benchmarking results, the purpose of the new columns, and i just couldn't care enough to read any of that. Yeah, I also don't know how to find the query it's running now. Yep, have complete access to the console and DB and query log. Still can't figure it out.

And later:

Hey Root. We pulled your urgent fix ticket from the release. You know, the one that SysOps and Data and even execs have been demanding? The one you finished three months ago? Yep, the problem is still taking down production every week or so, but we just can't verify that your fix is good enough. Even though the changes are pretty minimal, you've said it's 8x faster, and provided benchmark findings, we just ... don't know how to get the query it's running out of the code. or how check the query logs to find it. So. we just don't know if it's good enough.

Also, we goofed up when deploying and the testing database is gone, so now we can't test it since there are no records. Nevermind that you provided snippets to remedy exactly scenario in the ticket description you wrote three months ago.

And later:

Hey Root: Why did you take so long on this ticket? It has sat for so long now that someone else filed a ticket for it, with investigation findings. You know it's bringing down production, and it's kind of urgent. Maybe you should have prioritized it more, or written up better notes. You really need to communicate better. This is why we can't trust you to get things out.

*twitchy smile*

Me (to friend): So all your information these days is stored in the cloud.

Friend: Yeah I know that's crazy, huh!?

Me: Yeah!

Friend: I wonder if there's any disruption of the data when planes fly through.

Me: What do you mean?

Friend: Like when a cloud breaks when a plane move through it since we store our data in the precipitation layer. Nikola Tesla would be so proud.

Me: Uh... The fuck?

Me (thinking to myself): maybe he's just joking...

Me visiting a bar...

While going for a smoke...
Woman: Can I ask you a very impolite and downright rude question..?
*expects a Facebook hacking question*
Me (hesitant): .. sure, ask ahead...
Woman: I've never seen you here before. Who are you?
Me: *tells name*
(thinking) not what I expected! (:
Woman: So you're living mostly on the internet?
Me: yeah pretty much... 🤔
Woman: So I live here next to that lawyer...
Me: I don't know most of the area here, where's that?
Woman: Why don't you look it up, hmm? 😜

Quality pwnage!! 😆

At a friend's party, I met one of the guys I've known from High school, and talk about what we've become:

Him: ...so yeah, now I study CS, I code some C, I dislike Java, blablablablabla I'm coding some OS and embedded software, blablablabla, and you, what do you code in?

Me: Oh, I learned everything I know by myself, still learning, and I'm mostly doing some PHP and Javascript. Doing websites and apps is cool.

Him: but those aren't programming languages? I mean, you can't manage memory, and blablablabla-

Me: Ó_Õ * Quickly dashed my ass off to talk with some ladies and boozed myself to forget what I just heard *

*fiction* At a job interview:
"We are looking for someoje with 4-5 years of exp. in plep.js framework"
"Yeah, I've worked a lot with it"
"How well do you know it?"
"Perfectly I think, I released it last month"

!rant

*in slack*
Me: Team's gonna watch IT. Wanna come?
Friend from other team: Yeah, sure!

*in cinema*
Friend: WTF! Why is this I.T? This is scary as fuck!
Me: I-T? It's "it". HAHAHAHA It's a remake of the It 1990 movie.
Friend: I don't know anything about that. I'm scared as hell! I thought this would be some tech stuff and crying in the server room or something!

Had this with a relative. His laptop wasn't turning on, with or without charger so he brought it back to the store to fix it. It ran elementary os by the way (detail for later). Then he got it back after a week and we booted it and it had windows 8 installed (wtf indeed). So we called the service desk to ask about it since the issue was a broken charger (!!!). Their reply: oh yeah there was a weird system installed on it so we thought we'd reset it as well for you.

SERIOUSLY, THAT'S NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB!!

He is not tech savvy and he didn't know much about backups so that was literally about one year of work GONE. Yeah, I setup a cloud backup sync thingy for him right after that.

tl;dr stupid clients with their stupid requirements.

Client: (on Monday) hypothetically could you implement "A"?
Me: (on Monday) yeah I could do that by Friday, let me know if you want me to start it.
Client: (on Thursday) hey remember we talked about "A" well do "B" instead and I'll need it by Friday still.
Me: "B" is completely different than "A" and will take probably twice as long.
Client: but you told me you could do it by Friday.
Me: ............ I want to smash your face.

Me: So what if this field has no info?

NonDev Manager: There should always be data in that field.

Me: *Shows the field has default set as null*

NonDev Manager: *thinks thinks thinks*, but they are always added...how...if...

Me: I'll default to X behavior.
NonDev Manager: ...Yeah...do that.

I know what should happen but it's so fun to see non-dev's scratch their heads with business logic edge cases that seem nonsensical to them. Yeah I'm a bit of a dick.

Boss: "Yeah we have a logging project coming up that has to be done in C" Me: "I know C, I can give some pointers on that"

A few weeks ago at infosec lab in college

Me: so I wrote the RSA code but it's in python I hope that's ok (prof usually gets butthurt if he feels students know something more than him)

Prof: yeah, that's fine. Is it working?

Me: yeah, *shows him the code and then runs it* here

Prof: why is it generating such big ciphertext?

Me: because I'm using big prime numbers...?

Prof: why are you using big prime numbers? I asked you to use 11, 13 or 17

Me: but that's when we're solving and calculating this manually, over here we can supply proper prime numbers...

Prof: no this is not good, it shouldn't create such big ciphertext

Me: *what in the shitting hell?* Ok....but the plaintext is also kinda big (plaintext:"this is a msg")

Prof: still, ciphertext shows more characters!

Me: *yeah no fucking shit, this isn't some mono/poly-alphabetic algorithm* ok...but I do not control the length of the ciphertext...? I only supply the prime numbers and this is what it gives me...? Also the code is working fine, i don't think there's any issue with the code but you can check it if there are any logic errors...

Prof: *stares at the screen like it just smacked his mom's ass* fine

Me: *FML*

4+ years ago, in an interview, I was asked if I was familiar with keeping backups of my code on Google Drive.

When I asked them to explain what that is, they said that after a deployment, they make a ZIP file of the project and keep it on Google Drive.

When I asked about using GitHub/BitBucket they said they don't know what that is and neither do they intend on using it.

So yeah .....

So I was applying for a research position in linguistic department, and had the interview today.
Prof: So you know excel right

Me: (show a project to him to prove I at least know csv file)
Prof: Ok so you know excel.

Me: Yeah kinda.

Prof: Ok that's good. Cuz right now we are using amazon Turk, and the data they returned, which are excel files, are not really the way we want it.

Me: Ok sounds like a parser can fix it......

Prof: Yeah.... the students in the lab are doing it manually now

(Dead silence)

Prof: Ok move onto next matter

Hai devRant! Working on the privacy app and want opinions on the page for details on specific apps (as in, applications so web/app/mobile or even embedded?!).

Yeah I know that the aligning is deffo not perfect but hey, gotta start somewhere :). Detail: everything you see here (the content and actually also the icon path) is rendered from the database already.

Tips/opinions?

Interviewer: Hello my name is Alyssa from Sheeple and my pronouns are she/her

Dev: Oh yeah I saw that in your email

Interviewer: Ok well I am just letting you know they are still the same

Dev: Thanks for that.

Interviewer: What are your pronouns?

Dev: div/span

Interviewer: Sorry?

Dev: he/him

Interviewer: Oh…ok. Let me know if that changes.

Dev: I promise you it won’t

Interviewer: Well you never know!

Dev: …

Colleague: Hey want to get access to our repo so we can see each others code, collaborate, discuss design patterns etc?

Me: Yeah sounds like a great idea. Would love to get to know a bit more about how others are building mobile apps in the company.

Colleague: Heres the link to the iOS app: xxxxxxxxxx

*Opens link*
*looks around a bit*
*Opens cocoapods folder*
*Sees 89 dependencies*

Me: .......... actually, you know what, I have major deadlines coming up. I can't look at this right now. Lets talk in the new year.

*closes slack*

PM: I spoke with x client, they really like x feature and want to continue.
Me: great, I'll let the team know.
PM: Yeah, I told your team already.
Me: Oh. What did they say?
PM: They all told me to tell you first, so you can tell them.
Me: 😏

LEARN THE FUCKING WORDS!

I know that English isn't the native language of my country, but for fucks sake, if I'm telling you the right way to say/write it, remember it!

It's called ROM not ROOM
It's called Mod not Mood

Am I good with Custom ROM's? Yeah
Am I good with Custom Rooms? No, I'm not a fucking interior designer

Am I enjoying Moto Mods? Of course
Am I enjoying Moto Moods? Vruum Vruum bitch.

Dad: “Hey son.. I have this new software called blablablu.."

Me: "yeah?.."

Dad: "well it's not working.. there's an error and it's not doing what I want.."

Me: "okay.. I don't know.. sorry.. I don't know that software.. I can't help you.."

Dad: "you're studying computer science... you should know what to do.."

You ****ing serious?! -.-

Hey, you know that screwdriver followup ticket you’ve been working on for several weeks? Yeah, I want it to use <feature> that I’ve never told you about and I know you’ve never used, and it looks like that means rewriting most of it! Also, I still want it done by tonight.

ASDFJ;katharevousa;hsh;klasdf

Soo not happening.

Several months back when I started this job, one of the HR guys I met was super energetic and outgoing (I'm a quite introvert).

HR Guy: Hey it's so great to meet you! Everyone here is super excited to have you starting in this role!!!

Me: .......uh "everyone"? There's like 500 people here and only about 3 even know I exist.

HR Guy: *thinks for a second* Haha yeah I guess you are right!!!

Roommate: "Hey, man, uh, I know you use computers a lot or something; do you know off the top of your head how to use the touch screen on my computer?"

Me: "Uh, your laptop doesn't have a touch screen."

Roommate: "Yeah, but I thought you might know how to use it as a touchscreen."

Me: "...Your laptop does not have a touch screen."

I swear, this is the dumbest man I have ever come into contact with.

That'd be fine if this was a one-off type of thing, but he seriously has approx. 209.8 brain cells in total.

Once, with no argumentative basis, he told me that, if Mickey Mouse got enough votes as a write-in candidate, he could win the Presidency of the United States. I showed him Article II of our Constitution, and he said "why does that even matter here?"

Three more months, school'll be done, and I never have to see him again.

I know this is not a dev joke, but I laughed so hard:

Father bought a lie detector that makes "beep" whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home this afternoon.

Father ask him:
"So, you where at school today, right ?"
Son:"Yeah"
Detector:"Beep."
Son:"OK, OK, I was in a cinema"
Detector:"Beep."
Son:"Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."
Father:"What ?! At your age I would never touch alcohol!"
Detector: "Beep."
Mother laughs:"Ha ha ha, he really is your son!"
Detector: "Beep."

One of my top 10 worst meetings, was for an interview for a job I really wanted. The guy started off the technical interview by asking me about language features that had been replaced since before I started learning the language. Told him when I started learning and his reply was:

"Yeah I see that on your CV, but come on, you MUST know this stuff".

eh no asshole, because its been removed for 4 years, you MUST know its not relevant

Dev: This could be sooooo easily optimized...

Me: Uhm. Don't think so. What's your idea?

Dev: Just use threads.

Me: Nope. Problem requires 3 shared resources per process step, it won't be faster by threading. Shared resource will only lead to locking contention, decreasing performance.

Dev: I don't think that will happen. Can you PROOF to ME that this will happen?

Me: It was your suggestion, so you should proof me wrong. Nice try, but no thanks.

Dev: Yeah, but it's too slow and it should run faster.

Me: If you cannot find a better approach than the current one, it runs as fast as it can while providing correct results. That's not slow. That's just working as intended and designed.

Dev: Yeah, but it's still slow.

....

You know these conversations where you just wanna rip some people's face off, stick it in the shit hole they use to talk and toss them out of the window....

Yeah. Had those conversations today.

A friend just asked if I could get him an internship at the place I work. He has no computer/programming background at all but how hard could developing be.
So I informed him my CS degree required at least 7 math courses lowest being calculus.
You need to know math!?!?
Yeah we're the one who writes the programs that actually does the math for everyone else

Published a well documented and tested API with project examples for basic use cases

- "Yeah we didn't use yours because we didn't know how to use it"
- "Did you look at the documentation or code examples?"
- "What where?"
- "In the repo you just cloned"
- "Yeah no <random guy> found a hacky way of doing what we want, his thing just works"
- "I..."

Fuck articles which are nothing more than tweets wrapped in ads and paragraphs which repeat the content of the tweets.

Yeah I know that software version x was released, I just read the fucking tweet! — I googled for more details, which points me at 10 mainstream tech news blogs, which are all in the business of fluffing up three sentences into 6 paragraphs without adding any value.

I wish Twitter just charged royalty fees to embed on for-profit websites.

Girlfriend: So YouTubers/bloggers do this thing where they partner with brands and promote their items and give a promo code or promo links which you apply while you purchase the item which gives you a discount and they earn money through every purchase

Me: Yeah, I know. I'm a developer, I make those affiliate links

Dad: [this company] is coming to town soon.

Me: I know

Dad: yeah maybe you can get a IT job

Me: I dont do IT

Dad: You never know what you do until you do it.

Me: *getting an aneurism from sheer ignorance*

I DO IT EVERY DAY HOW WOULD I NOT KNOW WHAT IM DOING THAT I EVEN WENT TO SCHOOL FOR?

on my first job interview(7 years ago when Android wasn't populer yet) the recruiter was like "so, you know Android?" and I was like "yeah I got 3 months of experience" so he just told me immediately "great, when can you start"
that was the shortest interview in my life so far.

I fucked up my brain while learning brainfuck! 😣

Edit: And yeah, I still don't know how to use it...

When i was 15 i wanted to try myself at coding and hacking.

Yeah a bit ignorant i know.

Anyhow，i randomly found a python tutorial i believe.

Got things running and started the first tasks.

Create a var， associate a string. Create a second var and associate a new string.

Concat them and you get a new string with both of em together.

Then i told myself that this was fucking shit and i quit.

15 years later，i regret more and more that i let it go but what a fucking dumb tutorial that was...

17 years of coding and i would have been a fucking beast.

long && scam && rant?

At my parent's: phone rings..
Me: hi this is XYZ (in German)
He: hi this is ABC from Microsoft tecnical suport (strong Indian accent, sorry toall Indian devs who might feel offended, no intention)
Me: hi... (I'm learning for my exams and don't have a VM with Windows installed currently, so no time to "play")
He: we got some worrying data from your Windows computer. You might have a virus and we need to run a few tests to verfy it. Do you know what that is?
Me: yeah, a scam.
He: sorry, sir I didn't understand you, could you repeat?
Me: yeah, I know what " this" is. It's a scam, and we only deploy Linux here. (lie, we have Windows, Mac and Linux, as well as an iPhone, iPad and Android devices in the house, guess who is "support"...) But good luck with your next call.
He: (kind of friendly) oh. I see. Well have a nice day too.

Apple flips the bird to devs again...

So I go to release a new version of my app (critical updates and bug fixes from mgmt) and I had just updated my phone. Yeah, that was a fucking mistake.

“This version of Xcode is not compatible with the new version of iOS.”

Ok... update Xcode...

“The new version of Xcode is not compatible with your version of OSX”

WTF?! This version isn’t that old? Fine... update OSX. 5 hours later...

“Hey, just wanted to let you know that we decided to break every one of your web development tool setting and basically nothing works on your computer now, oh yeah, and we’re Apple so FUCK YOU.”

!rant
Our lead dev in the company seems to be a smart guy who's sensitive about code quality and best practices. The current project I'm working on (I'm an intern) has really bad code quality but it's too big an application with a very important client so there's no scope of completely changing it. Today, he asked me to optimize some parts of the code and I happily sat down to do it. After a few hours of searching, profiling and debugging, I asked him about a particular recurring database query that seemed to be uneccesarilly strewn across the code.
Me: "I think it's copy pasted code from somewhere else. It's not very well done".
Lead Dev: "Yeah, the code may not the be really beautiful. It was done hurriedly by this certain inexperienced intern we had a few years back".
Me: "Oh, haha. That's bad".
Lead Dev: "Yeah, you know him. Have you heard of this guy called *mentions his own name with a grin*?"
Me: ...
Lead Dev: "Yeah, I didn't know much then. The code's bad. Optimize it however you like. Just test it properly"
Me: respect++;

Tell us your "Programming Languages Story"

Mine:

Java -> HTML＆CSS -> PHP -> Python -> JavaScript

Yeah, I know, I'm confused 😂.

Got an email...
Colleague A (who acts like he supervises me because he's here longer than than I am but he doesn't) : Webpage is broken. Please fix.
(5 minutes later)
Colleague A : Sorry I didn't pull the *other* file you committed (Yeah I know we're still on cvs...)

Another email...
Colleague B (who really is my boss) : Webpage doesn't show all records. Please fix.
(5 minutes later)
Colleague B : Sorry I forgot check page 2.

That's all my development team. Right, development, not designers, or anything.

FML...

OMG! I fucking hate it when people who have no idea about technology whatsoever have a conversation about some 'technical stuff' and I've got to listen to trash like:

A: "It's a wonder that all of this stuff actually works!"
B: "Yeah, I heard that it all connects over some kind of WAVES or something like that..."

FFS! I know you can't know everything, but please for the love of god ... just don't!

- Currently sitting on the train and cringing like a madman -

On my linkedin profile it is clearly mentioned that I am a Java developer.

Recruiter: Hey, I want to offer you a super cool PHP job position.
Me: But I haven’t mentioned anywhere that I am familiar with PHP.
Recruiter: Yeah, I know, but I thought you may want to switch to PHP for a while.
Me: o_O. Fuck you, miss. I do not switch programming languages like I change my socks. Who the fuck teaches you these approaches?

Whenever you meet someone who tells you he also knows programming

Me: 'So you said you are in programming, too?'
X: 'Yeah, I know how to program websites..'
Me: '..so I guess PHP and stuff?'
X:'No, I program in HTML and some CCS'

Me: ssl conn cannot be esrablished. Cert is not signed

Sr. Dev/architect: what url are you calling?

Me: dns_name:port

sd/a: yeah, I know that. But what is the url?

Me: *how the f... Did you get 'sr' and 'arch' titles, man???*
Me: why does it matter?

Sd/a: certificates depend on a url. Our LB selects a cert according to a request url

me: *buddy, I like you but I no longer look at you with respect like I used to before today...*

You know whom I hate more than apple fanboys, "language" fanboys!
Yeah...that's a thin now.
(I'll post the whole story when I reach my room)

German train notifies me 8 minutes in advance that my train is cancelled.

Yeah, so useful, thanks...

(I know off-topic but I’m pretty pissed rn)

Coworker: "Yeah, I know the code module is 25K lines of code, but don't try to break it up. At some point I realized that they just have to be that big."

Me: 😦

Me : "hey front end dev, here is an API returing a list of objects, put them in a table"

*Some hours later

Front end : 'Done !"

Me :" Where are the totals?"

front end : 'Api doesn't give me totals"

me : "Calculate them. Just do a sum"

front end : 'I don't know how".

Yeah, "front end" apprently means only html css.... FML

"Yeah I code, I've created like tons of games and I bet I'm better than pretty much anyone out there"
Oh really? What languages do you know?
"Scratch"
*anger rising*

I hate when someone throws at me some task all of sudden with a tight deadline.

Wednesday was one of those days.

manager: we want to remove all the offices because of our tight budget this year (multimillionaire company, lol), everyone will use office 365;

me: ahn... ok, but everything was already tested? Some macros, routines, old documents can be a big problem, as far I know (I don't use M$ at home, servers are Linux, so I really don't know about that). I can do some tests, only will need some real documents to make sure everything will do fine;

manager: yeah, yeah, everything will be fine, the high management already decided, don't worry, just remove the offices in the company, ok?;

me: alright...

*me deploys the remotion script in every f*cking machine*

48 hours later...

manager: well... everyone is complaining about the office 365, random complains, can you attend all the calls and reinstall if you can't solve the problem?

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

[RAGES INTERNALLY]

You know what really grinds my gears?

When a manager writes up some bullshit "this doesn't work".

Then you waste your time following up, and they say, "oh yeah, this so and so pop up came up with validation error X".

YEAH? AND I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU WRITE ABSOLUTELY NO STEPS TO REPRODUCE, JUST COMING TO ME WITH "HEY, X IS BROKEN" GOD JUST GET FUCKING 1% TECHNICALLY LITERATE THATS ALL I ASK FOR I'M SO SICK OF YOUR SHIT

Yesterday I completed a transactions module that used an external payment processor, similar to PayPal. It was hard, but after few hours of trying out different options I finally managed to get it to work.

I decided to create a simple prototype UI without any styling just to show my progress to the manager and let him know that it's working.

His response? "yeah, that seems to work, but that UI is terrible and not appealing at all. Change that immediately and try to add more thought into your design"

I guess I won't be making prototypes any time soon

Client: Yo, there's like a 30k difference between the invoices in the application and paypal.
CTO: Yeah, that's really sad. Btw, did you know that our payment gateway supports credit cards, which won't be shown in paypal?

I'm writing this in a funny tone, but I was the person who basically implemented every aspect of accounting in that application, so I praying silently 😅

:Junior> man, i saw a little bug here. lemme fix it.
:Teamlead> (*hmm, nothing wrong should happen*) well, k, try not to mess everything up
:Junior> yeah, yeah, i know

*1.5h later*

:Teamlead> *opened github* ...?

I’m fucking done….
I don’t even know what to tell.
I’m a CTO in a startu. We have pretty good traction, my salary is about average senior dev salary (plus 10%).
I’m good financially.
But I have no more pleasure in work. Like at all.
“This API call performance is bad”
Yeah I know, maybe you shpuldn’t try to call it for 1000 objects at the time ?
“We need to reduce Azure cost”
Yeah I know, but are you ready to live with performances downgrade it will generate ?
“I don’t understand on what thing you worked past week, where is a devops card ?
Fuck you, I’m in extenuating fire mode, I don’t have time for a fucking devops card
“We should migrate whole stack to modern technology, like JavaScript”
Thank you for your imput, Blazor WAS created to avoid JabaScript
“The client has only 1.000.000 records and API doesn’t return them all”
Use fucking paging moron. And BTW, I’m adding “number of authorized requests” shortly.
I can go on and on and on for hours. But the idea is : I completely lost the will or motivation to do anything. I’m considering just to quit and go back to be Junior dev for a random company.

I love it when a fellow "dev" asks about some interesting security topic (full disk encryption) and I'm like "yeah I use LUKS pretty much everywhere".. and then takes an entire arm when given a hand.

Performance in LUKS? Yeah sure you can benchmark it within cryptsetup. Here's how to do it and choose a good cipher for your CPU.

D: Oh also how do I check my battery life?
M (thinking): you lazy fucking piece of shit.
M: FUCKING GOOGLE IT
D: Obviously that means that you don't know it.
M (thinking): so not only lazy but also disgustingly ungrateful, fucking twat.
M: acpi. Next time fucking Google it.
D: You know what? Never mind.

As if I'm the one that's fucking wrong now!! But you know what, never mind indeed. Because you've successfully wasted my fucking time instead of fucking googling "check battery life Linux" like a sensible dev would.

Fellow "dev", if you're on devRant I hope you read this. You can seriously go fuck yourself.

Oh null, how I detest you.

select birthdate, isnull(birthdate) from Users;
>> [null, 0]

Maybe I wrongfully accuse the abstract concept, and should rather loathe the engineers who can't wrap their heads around null despite their heads being a skull literally wrapping fucking nothingness.

Oracle engineers:
"Wait that's invalid input. What do we do?"
"Default the date to 0000-00-00?"
"That kind of looks like a null..."
"Hmm but it isn't *really* a full-on, butt-clenching, hardcore, intrinsic, I-can-taste-it-in-the-air null"
"Yeah not really feeling it either. It's not giving me the typical null-goosebumps."
"Oh, I know! Let's make it a pretend-null, where the actual type totally depends on the layer of the application!"
"Yeah developers love ambiguous random conversions!"

The cleaning lady

Yeah, I should not be at work this late, but it happenes from time to time..
Anyhow, she still doesn't know where the switches for each light are, so whenever she comes, lights start to flicker on off on off... Yeah, lightshow baby!! //read this in austin powers voice
I fear for people with epilepsy.. Yeah, I get it, push and toggle switches are mixed in pannel, but we do have a schema for each of them..ofc she doesn't use it..

And every goddamn time if I work later than when she leaves, she disturbes me to ask if I will turn off the lights when I leave.. NOoOooo, I will leave them on like an asshole.. :/ I once even wrote on the whiteboard in bigg letters 'yes, I will turn of the lights when I leave' and left it there for some days... coworkers were all puzzled/amused when they saw it.. //I know, shitty attitude on my part too, but I've repeated myself a dozen times already.. + I always turn off lights she actually manages to switch on and leave them like that, even the ones not in my part of office

And when she vacuums..well.. I usually get up and go on a cigarette break to give her space so she can do her job around my desk.. but she insists that I am not in her way and I don't need to leave... Well I prefer not to be proded and poked with the hose, thank you..

So yeah, fun times... O.o especially if working late due to some production fuckups I need to fix ASAP.. :/

Me: Can you do the javadocs comments
Coworker: I've never done that, *looks for it on google*, I can't do it, I don't know how.
Me: Did no one asked you to comment you code at school?
Coworker: Yeah, but only the ones with '//'
Me: Ok, bring me coffee

Manager: "Hi Almond, how is X going?"

Almond: "...I don't know, Bob is in charge of that."

Manager: "Ok. Do you know the status of Y at all?"

Almond: "Not sure, isn't that Bob's responsibility too?"

Manager: "Well, yeah, but I never seem to be able to get a good answer out of him. Find out on both fronts and let me know ASAP please"

...sure, I know how this goes. I'll stop all the dev work I'm doing, do your job for you, talk to the lazy bonehead that never bothers doing anything, report back that he's done sod all (or still "in a requirements gathering phase" as he puts it), be asked "why is he taking so long", have a bit more back and forth, then decide we'll just leave him be as actually trying to get him to do any work is going to be too much like hassle 😒

Imagine if, when a Windows version became outdated (So anything before Windows 8, I guess), Microsoft made it available in the public domain.

We could have Windows distributions, just like Linux! Imagine how weird it would sound if you just said to your Linux-using friend, 'Oh yeah, I use arch!' and they replied 'Oh, me too! I love Arch Linux!', and you just stare at them and say:

'What's Linux? I only use Arch Windows.'

...
...
...

'Arch Windows? Are you stupid?', they would reply in utter disbelief.

We all know someone's gonna blurt out 'Yeah guys! I just downloaded Kali Windows so I could learn to hack, I don't know what you're talking about!'

Ah, good times.

Yall know those small biscuits, with half of them covered in chocolate? I mean why half? Cover it all, or leave ot naked, but this way i cant be sure which is the chocolatey side to put on my tongue in the dark. Its a complete gamble.

...yeah im getting fat

To my horror I've been asked to cover some small jobs for support whilst he's away.. First tap on my shoulder, can you look at my laptop? it's not charging...
Is it plugged in and switched on at the mains..
Yeah, I'm not silly.
It was neither plugged in or turned on.
I made the long and hard transition to DevOps, I now know it was worth it.
Rant Over

Manager: I want you to make an architecture diagram for this system
Me, not sure what diagram but ok asking my senior then
Senior: You know those diagrams you learned in uni? Yeah, do whichever you think is suitable
Me, left to my own devices, makes a shitty use case and sequence diagram
Manager: We don't actually do diagrams like yours here. But I like it so lets stick with it.

😱 Ok. Cool.

I got a Job!

I was talking with my boss after my first week and a half of working. I tell him that I enjoy having an office and whatsoever, because that way work stays in work.
My boss tells me "Yeah, you have to do something else besides working, do something else with your life"

Damn, that's one conscious boss tbh. So happy to be working there, but you know, everyday the imposter syndrome kicks in...it sucks.

**Me, while working on sql based project**

Manager: Does anyone knows java! Want a sample login screen written in java.

**I'm the only one in my team to know java, thus raised my hand**

Me: It's done. Mailed you the .java file.

Manager: I can see my password

Me: I fuckn hate myself. ***Forgot to set password field as password type***

Manager: you are no different than others.

Me: Yeah..😶 **f@#& you**

Fucking stupid bitch comes to me at 7 pm and asks an impossible task and after I clearly explain and say that I don't know how I gonna do it she asks it for early tomorrow...

Yeah, keep waiting...

Difference between frontend and backend as explained by a tech "founder" I recently spoke to -

Any website's landing page/home page is frontend, but if you go Home -> Profile -> Settings page, that's backend because, it's in the "back" so you know, its... the backend.

So yeah....

Me: Do you like the client?
Dude: Yeah! How did you make that?
Me: I... I...
Also me: SHIT I DON'T KNOW.

Old-ish pic from my setup (back then when you could actually see the desk under all that clutter).
Usually I work from the desktop, but there's also a dockingstation to connect the laptop to the screens and peripherals.

(and yeah I know the speaker placement is horrible)

"new features" - new spywares?
"You decide" - Yeah right.
"could take a little longer." - I KNOW THAT!

potential client, wondering why i don't answer any of his messages or calls: "I hope I haven't done anything wrong!?"

yeah dude, continually calling me MULTIPLE times after 5PM on friday (second friday in a row) is one way to "do something wrong"

these "business" types know no bounds

Why the heck do users give a 1-Star rating instead of submitting a bug report?
Oh yeah I know, because that could help me -.-

TL;DR: a dude thinks good graphics make a game good.

so every day when the school ends, me, a dude and another girl walk home. as expected we have lots of time to talk about anything. I wanted that day to tell that dude about what I am going to buy on steam summer sales with just 15$.

me: I am going for this summer to play lots of games so I saved some money for this summer sale. do you want to hear what awesome games I am about to buy with just 15$?
dude: yeah, sure thing.

he wasn't expecting much

M: this summer I am going to buy 5 games and maybe keep more for some others. they are so awesome!
D: ok, let's hear those 'awesome' games!
M: the first game is devil daggers, maybe you don't kno...
D: of course I do. is that game
M: I want to get that game just to improve my aim, but maybe I will have some fun.
D: yeah yeah, I know that game
M: *poker face*

I KNEW he doesn't know this game and anything about pc games because of the followings...

M: ok then... I also want to get Half-Life 2 : Episode 1 & 2. they have pretty rich story and I already have both Half-Lives.
D: holy shit but the graphics... ok, one more 'awesome' game of yours.
M: there are 2 episodes, 2 separate games. I really don't care about the graphics, I love the story.
D: continue with your 'awesom' games...

that dude didn't even knew about half-life and said that game is bad.

M: another game I want to get is Battlefront 2, the one from 2005 and...
D: 2005!?
M: yeah, the new one sucks, and the gameplay in the original is way better and...
D: *starts laughing* 2005!? I thought you were getting the new one. I imagine the graphics being like this car. *points to a fucking car, yeah that kind of comparasion, I know*

after this I was so fucking pissed off. he doesn't even know about some cult classics that are meant to be played. he doesn't even have a pc nor console and he is stating his opinion on fine air for fucks sake!

M: ok, what about getting the facts and then make an opinon.
D: yeah yeah *making fun of me at that point*

I didn't tell him that I wanted to buy the binding of isaac, cause it was enough for me. I told him to watch some reviews on these games and blog posts about them and I am sure tomorrow he will say that he 'wathced' the reviews and that those games are garbage. it's his style to underestimate things. I fucking hate him, not becuase of the games, but because he underestimates everything that is not on his list of 'good games'. that list consists of new games with great graphics(3D only).

sorry if I exaggerate saying that those games are cult classics but I really look forward into buying them.

if you have another indie game to run on this potato machine(2gb ram, pentium dual-core 2.1ghz, gtx 525m) that I should or at least try comment, I am open to suggestions!

I have previously mentioned my weird co-worker. He likes to come up behind people and shoulder surf, asking "whatcha up to, buddy?".

He also thinks he's a manager, which explains a lot I guess. I half expect him to walk around with an " Initech" mug saying "Yeah....if you could just have those TPS reports done by lunch, that would be greaaat".

YOU ARE NOT MANAGEMENT. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT I SPECIALIZE IN. GO FIX A PRINTER, GAH DAMMIT.

...and he mumbles.

I'm not perfect though, so I'm sure I have weird quirks about me.

Interviewer: Yeah so we're hiring you as the person who would build out and own our client-facing web application and related stack.

Dev: Perfect, that's what I've been doing for the past 10 years, I'm your guy.

Interviewer: GREAT SO WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORK AND EXEC ON A PROCESS ON A LINUX MACHINE!?!?!?!?

Dev: I don't... know immediately at this moment?

Dev: Sigh

Dev: I hate my life

Dev: Somebody please help me

Shit Project Managers say.. to my coworker when I'm not there :
"Hey do you think she's working hard enough ?..I don't know, she has only made 2 commits in the past week so.. "

Fortunately my coworker defended me and told me after but yeah.. As if you could measure efforts and work in development by counting lines of code, fuck-tard.

if there's one thing I love more than coding, it's using metaphors to explain to other people why they're not "getting it". like the all famous contractor:

"yeah I know you need 5 months to build my house, but can you do it in 2. Also, I'm going to pay half. Oh, and when the house is done, could you also add a cellar?"

any more good metaphors out there?

Friend :- so you went so deep into programming.
Me :- yeah but not too far.
Friend :- can you fix my laptop infected by virus?
*handing me his lapi*
Me :- of course. is your windows is original?
He :- yaa!! I mean you know I like original not like your pc.
Me :- *deleted win 32 file *

How I wasted my Sunday:

A programmer I know claimed that his Nodejs app was lightweight since it only relied on 2 dependencies (express and mongodb)

So I wrote a script to recursively transverse the npm dependency tree and count the number of dependencies there actually is

Installing those 2 packages alone means your app depends on 73 pieces of software in total

In conclusion, nothing written in Node is ever lightweight

Oh yeah, it was also Easter I guess

So, you may know this already...But fuck CNET once again! Don't get me wrong, even if I loved the auto-playing video ads I would still be angry af. The site loads with a decent layout at first, but then in a second it changes and all I get is a pile of shit broken because of some <sarcasm>really great</sarcasm> CSS.

P.S. Yeah, I know it's probably my ad blocker killing something that is vital for the site to keep it's shape, but I don't care about that at all. I'll never give it up. (Or let it down, for that matter)

Custom: yeah yeah yeah I don't care about all that technical crap, all I want to know is if it comes with Google...

Me: *Slams head on desk repeatably*

*ahem*

You know how people say "you get the gist!", yeah?

...

I don't. 🤔

How can they expect me to GET http-colon-slash-slash-gist-dot-github-dot-com without the rest of the url?

I bet it's stored in that social context I've never been able to access.

THANK YOU, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK 😘

!rant

10 year old: I don't know why I'm tired.

Me: Maybe because you stayed up so late. Were you watching Back to the Future?

10 year old: Yeah, it was awesome!

Me: You're off the hook.

I started programming 2 years ago. I didn't know what to do with my life after high school, so I went to an event where you can meet students. I ran across the IT schools section, wearing a GEEK sweater, and almost immediatly, 5 students were right in front of me to talk about their school.
One hour later, I said "yeah why not", even if I didn't know ANYTHING about programming.
One or two weeks later, I took the entrance exam, and one month later I knew that I passed.
I learnt the bases when I entered in Sept. 2014

So I had this conversation with my dad
Background : He saw news about some celebrity's Twitter account got hacked.

Dad : Do you know how to hack a Twitter account?
Me : No dad. There are ways for people who do this kind of stuff.
D : But, you studied software engineering!
M : Yeah, but I don't do hacking.
D : Although hacking is not ethical but everyone should know about their field.

*Awkwardly left the room*

Just because I studied computer science doesn't mean that I SHOULD know hacking.

And this is not the first conversation of this kind!

*in Sprint planning listening to my PM creating tasks*

PM (to Team): So this will be an MVP we can expand on in the future. Do let me know upfront if any tasks should not be in the Sprint.

Team Manager (to PM): Let's see... Yeah I think you've nailed it... Good.

Developer (to Team): Guys, I see the task for the frontend team to integrate machine learning doesn't have any details.

PM (to Developer): Ooh machine learning! Good catch!

PM (to Team Manager): This was one of the tasks we really needed this quarter, will we still be on track?

Team Manager (to PM): Yeah no worries we'll add it as part of the MVP design in Confluence.

PM: Okay assigning the task now. *Assigns to Developer*

*Team Manager goes on 1 month vacation*

Me (thinking to myself): Wtf

You look like someone who unironically puts “JSON” on their resume as one of programming languages they know.

You probably have casual pictures of Dan Abramov saved on your phone.

Now go finish your top 10 coding productivity lifehacks insta tiktok, or go adjust your standing desk one more time, or go type on your custom mechanical keyboard (which probably has different switches for functional keys. Should I call the keys “functional” if a person like this is the only person who presses them though?)

Yeah, you’re a rockstar. Yeah, that next medium article you’ll write is gonna make you famous. Yeah.

'Hey I found a bug in your code, it's probably a typo, see here.'

Me: Oh right, yeah. How stupid of me. Thanks, I'll push it.

'It's okay. You can push it or I can do it too after you push the changes we just discussed. I actually simplified one of your methods.'

Me: You, what... ?
(You crammed multiple lines in a single line with your stupid as fuck, rigid constructs, removing my error handling, loosely coupled service, in the name of simplification?)

' Yeah it's just four lines in a single function now, no need to call the function again and again.'

Me: (No... Just no. This totally undos whatever little I could do to avoid supporting your idiotic object in the first place.)
Oh... okay, we'll see. I'll let you know.

What life.
Life in a company full of ignorant, inflated egos is no joke.

Details:
I created a service that reads a configuration file and returns the configuration. This person needs five entries for his app logic. He collected them in a object. Quite alright. Except that the class prototype is shitty. I, like a normal person, made my service return a value based on input. I was asked to incorporate this awful object so that I can return the five entries together, which is awful because the service is not supposed to know about how the entries are clubbed. It should most certainly not know about the data members of the object!

Every time I tell someone my major they respond the same way: “I know your job prospects look good! I need my computer fixed right now...”

Yeah, let me write you a script real quick that will fix the screen you busted when yo sat on your laptop.

Yeah thanks Siri, that's what I wanted to know

FUCK YOU PHP, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU GIVE ME DECEMBER 1ST WHEN I DO
strtotime('-1 month', '12/31/2015)
USING DateTime PRODUCES THE SAME FUCKING RESULT. ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED OR WHAT?
YEAH I KNOW NOVEMBER DOESN'T HAVE 31ST BUT YOU COULD AT LEAST RETURN 30TH OR EVEN RAISE A WARNING, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

Fucking roommate just closed my fucking laptop while I wasn't looking. I fucking told him that I am the downloading the oversized android sdk and I also once told him that my laptop isn't completely configured yet and turns off when closed. Now I can restart the whole fucking download because android studio is also a piece of shit that doesn't know what it already downloaded.

"Sorry, I forgot that your laptop did that". Yeah, let me just slit open your fucking neck. Sorry, I forgot that kills people.

Just randomly had a though from when I was in high school and one of my mates asked me why you would use try catch instead of an if statement...

You know those moments when you stand still, close your eyes, rub your temples and just exhale... Yeah one of those moments...

(Don't ask why this popped in my head, happened like 5 years ago ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

I'm not a programmer by trade, so the only language I know well is bash. But as sysadmins we do use bash often.

Looking at other sysadmins' scripts though, there are interesting things in it every so often. Like for example `touch file` which creates a file. I've seen some sysadmins just do this instead `> file`. Genius! Or perhaps a `cat file >> elsewhere`. You can do that with `< file >> elsewhere`. It's something that if I hadn't seen it elsewhere, I wouldn't have thought about. But yeah, it saves a program call and it works!

Thanks for the stickers guys! I'll save the others for when I get my new rig!
(Yeah I know it's the wrong way up but the face just looks too good like that)

Uh yeah, the internet connection was dropped for a second while saving an edit of a comment. So I know why it "Whoops"'d.

Android 7.1.2.

Why are some seniors just so full of themselves? I mean... Yeah I know that they know more than me (junior) but common, you don't have to rub it in my face! Tho I'd rather have it that they rub it in my face than them explain it with the most difficult terms / hardest words they could find in the dictionary!!

I also don't need them to complain that I'm on a different platform than them (while they help me)

I'm told that a worker can't clock into work on his phone because he does something different from his fellow employees. So I go to him to ask hey what do you need in order to clock in.
"Oh well I do something different from everyone"

Yeah I know I'm trying to get it so you can clock in on the phone as well what do you clock into.

"Well the other guys can clock into things on the phone you should ask them if you want to know how to clock into on the phone. I do different jobs then them"

Yes I know, what do you different so I can add it to the phone clock in app?

"What I do isn't on the phone you can't clock into it on there you have to clock into it here."

Would it be unprofessional to strangle him?

Boss: we need to standardize the CMS we use.

Me: well 90% of what we build are custom Wordpress deployments...

Boss: yeah but Wordpress is best suited for all our clients.

Me: well yeah, I know...we could use Django or Rails and give the clients more customized solutions...

Boss: yeah but not all of our developers know those frameworks, and they require maintenance...

Me: -_- we could really use Jekyll for most sites we build

Boss: yeah, but what about our clients that want a blog?

Me: ...we can build a blog with anything...

Boss: ...we just need to standardize what we use.

!shortRant

You all complaining about shit code from coworkers and about fucking WordPress. Looks different, but know what? Answer is the same.
Money.
Let me explain.
For example, you were born in USA. You can choose any profession, and if you became pro - you will be payed great. Looks nice, isn't it?
But if you were born in Russia, India, somewhere in Africa, whatever, you can be businessman, coder or you can suck a dick to the end of you life.
Not that great, yeah?
You are looking around and see great people with their own dreams and talents. But then you ask them "to which faculty are you going?" Answer is obvious. And that's how shitcoders are born.
And yeah, about WordPress. I'm mobile developer, I just can't understand how awful it is (or not, idunno). The only thing I know - if I were PHP developer, I could earn twice more than now. But why I didn't choose that way? Because I REALLY LOVE MY WORK. Everyday is good, I'm working at weekends often, because I want.
So please, shut up. You could never work with WordPress, but you motherfucker CHOOSE IT. You could switch to node, go, Java. Why the flying fuck you didn't? Oh yeah, MONEY. So please, shut up.

Devrant isn't for crying girls complaining about shit they did themselves. (No sexism, just metaphor, sorry girls)

When will X be finished?!

Um..I don't know cuz thing Y is blocking me from doing X implementation and it makes no sense.. I have no idea what is wrong with it and can't tell how long it'll take me to fix, hopefully by the end of today I'll have thing Y fixed enough so I can finish thing X..

Ok, will you be able to update production today?! Just put it on production when you're done with X.

Uuuumm... Yeah... // still need to know how X will behave in cases a, b, c & b+c...

I'm writing this while waiting for abc feedback.. this is going great.. :/

I know prod is not used as prod yet, but still... fuuuuu!!

Anyone else have people that seem to constantly try to "prove" themselves to you in this weird, competitive way that only makes them seem... very annoying? I'll call him Bob here, but it's always something like:

Bob: Hi Almond, how's it going?
Almond: Ah not bad thanks, PSU blew up in the PC over the weekend though so that was a bit of a faff!
Bob: Ah no! How old's your PC?
Almond: Oh, like 7-8 years old now. I don't replace it often.
Bob: Really?! I replace mine completely every year.
Almond: Ah, cool.
Bob: Yeah, I'm a dev so I feel I need to. It's like my tool, you know.
Almond: Sure thing!
Bob: I actually spend quite a lot on it. I make sure it's got the fastest memory I can afford. Like, DDR5 stuff. That's really important, you know.

...etc., while I try to get out of said conversation for the next eternity.

Or:

(while in a conversation about a frontend bug I was looking at in Chrome devtools)
Bob: Hey Almond, you know Firefox actually had a plugin that did all this stuff before everything else?
Almond: Err, yeah, I think so. Used it back in the day.
Bob: It was called firebug. It was really good. Revolutionary.
Almond: Certainly was.
Bob: It was launched in January 2006 you know.
Almond: Right...
Bob: I used it back then.

...I mean damn, I'm all for being civil, but no-one cares you replace your PC every year, or that you know the year firebug was released, or that you once set up 5 identical PCs with different versions of Linux to run some benchmarks...

that moment when you solve a big problem, but only you know what's exactly the problem and how important to solve it.

yeah I am a hero 😎

My dad: "Oh yeah, JavaScript, Java, I know that stuff! You know the Mars Rover is actually using JavaScript?"
Me: "Oh is it now?"
Dad: "Yeah lots of things use Java"
Me: "You mean JavaScript?"
Dad: "Yeah Java, JavaScript, you know like building website forms"
Me:" Yeah I know, yeah, I, know... -_-"

Windows 10 Anniversary update removes and actively prevents reinstallion of Cisco VPN client. Yeah, I know it EOL'd in 2012 but do you think the owners of the remote network cares about that. Thanks a lot, Microsoft. 😡

One of my interviews....
Interviewer: Do you know the welknown hack that increases the speed of embedded tomcat two times than default??
Me: what?? it even exists???
interviewer: yes... it exists... I know it... normally I share the answers with the interviewees... are you interested to hear the hack???
Me: Hell yeah...
Interviewer: ohh no... I will not share with you...
me: whyyy???
interviewer: I don't like your current boss...
Me: Fuck my life(inaudible)... facepalm..

My boss gave me a lab pc (not controlled by the internal IT) so I can put whatever OS I want on there. I'm planning to also write certain documents with something like LaTeX on it.

When he gave it to me, he said “but don't goo too overboard with it, I know much time you can sink into Linux and TeX”

Me, actually planning to go fully overboard in every aspect: “haha yeah don't worry I'll just install Ubuntu or something”

There is this shitty database that still exists. It's called CrateDB. It's a SQL layer on a NoSQL. I don't know whose brilliant idea was that but any which way, IT SUCKS. Documentation said that the latest version supports table joins. Yeah, join queries take just ~300 seconds to run. Congratulations!

Return to work
Opens pc
Startup screen greets with 13:37
Yeah i know... 😎

Call me crazy all you want, but I love my tangled mess of cords

Yeah yeah, I know, I know, wouldn't I just love a cordless setup and workspace ...

NO

Bluetooth devices are at best unreliable and at worst don't even work with Linux

I want to just be able to plug my shit in and work, not wait for everything to sync and hope I don't have connectivity issues

Call it living in the past all you want, I don't care. I love my cords

Fuck you and your bluetooth shit

best advice i know

get both into programming and body building.

"you're such a nerd for using linux 🤡" well yeah but do you see this huge biceps?

"you're not even that strong 🤡" well yeah but look at my bank account

Code review day 1:

Me: Where are these three templates being used? I don't see any class that uses them.

Him: Oh, yeah. My bad. I'll remove them.

(Time passes)

Him: I don't know what's going on with my branch. Please ignore the PR for now.

(Time passes)

Him: Is there any way for me to get the files from staging. I don't know what I did to my branch.

Me: Hang on. I'll push a copy of the one I have in a new branch.

He declines his PR and stops by to say he's going home but he'll open a new PR tomorrow and remove the unused files.

Code review day 2:

Him: Hey, do you know what happened to my PR? It looks like it disappeared.

Me: You declined it yesterday. Said you'd make a new one today without those extra files.

Him: Ooooh!

"Hey guys, we should start using ESLint. It's a popular linter. There's 13,000+ styling inconsistencies it could streamline using `--fix`"

"Yeah... But these errors, they're not really errors, right? So, we don't need to fix them."

...

1. I never said they were errors. Do you know how a linter works?
2. Sure, I guess being consistent and familiar are overrated qualities of a codebase. Carry on!

I mean, impossible for who? For someone working 9-5 without procrastination, sure there are.
I have been a student and a procrastinator most of my life, so yeah, a 40 hour week's work is possible in two days with minimum sleep.
Also done massive projects in a week's time. If you know what you're doing, it's not that impossible.

Although, I find working with others almost impossible in some occasions, specially where you don't see eye to eye despite however much you try. (time-wise, speaking)

Had my junior test at work yesterday, and...oh boy. I don't think I've ever been so stressed in my life.

>inb4 "welcome to the real world kid"

Yeah yeah I know but god damn, this was too much. I heard from seniors that you get used to everyday stress, it comes with the job, but junior test ( aka "stress test") is the breaking point for most "new" arrivals.

The test itself tho is not even that hard. Dealing with so much stress and time pressure for the first time is what gets you. Not knowing what happens if you don't pass certainly doesn't help.

I broke down at one point and even after finishing, going home (got no sleep) and coming back today, that feeling of hopelessness is still there.

No real point to this rant, I just needed to vent

Non techie colleague: ... Yeah she really likes sending gifs
Me: is it 'gif' or 'jif'
Non techie: "I don't know 'gif' - 'jif', no 'jif just sounds weird"
Me: ah but the creator called them 'jifs'
TECHIE colleague: yeah well he's just wrong!

There should be a post type “facts” || “dev hints” || something like that where we can post cool stuff we figured out..

Like how to replaceAll in JS?
“Hello ranters”.split(“e”).join(“foo”);

JS devs probably know this but I didn’t, so yeah..

When you have to made a little game with javascript, and because it's your first game you made a beautiful maze with lot of wall.

Ahahah... i'm shit.
I forgot wall have collision.

I'm here now, with 40 different fuckin' walls and much if and else if conditions.

I hate me.

Yeah i know, I can just change my maze but no... I'm lazy. Cry against the collisions is better.

Have good day.

Ever have one of those days where you're just:

"Man i don't want to get into THAT right now, don't know why but I just don't...."

Then a task jumps out at you.

"Oh shit that, yeah I want to do that!"

I don't know what the difference is but sometimes one task seems more motivating for no reason at all.

Looking around for a new job when I find a posting that asks for experience developing and testing webpages with Dreamweaver... I mean yeah back 15 years ago I used it but I didn't even know it was still around... Maybe they meant Frontpage

I have an Acer dual GPU with Nvidia, guess what Gnome + Nvidia = bugs, yeah I probably should know that but I didn't, and I spend the last hour recovering my PC after installing Nvidia drivers. Why can't you guys (Gnome, Nvidia) agree on something?

It is time for my own dumbass's favorite pastime: not letting go on retro tech.

I am gonna build a small and complete RESTful web API with Vbscript and Classic ASP with errrthing thrown in this mfker including JWT authentication and i am gonna see how the idea of an ORM goes. I know that COM interop was a thing, dunno if it still is.

I am fucking bored. The graduate degree is killing me and I need a distraction.

Thinking about being a purist and keeping the COM libraries to be made with VB.NET :P

Fuck yeah for being a masochistic retard.

I legit love vb net tho

Ted, Akka is a damn Scala library. Yeah yeah, I know you can fit it into your Java project if you really want to, but damn, you just end up with ugly Java syntax that tries and fails to be Scala. Just bloody well use Scala. Or use something more Java-esque like reactor if you *really* want to do async stuff and stay in Java land. But please, please don't use Akka in Java. The thing is a mess. I know it's asynchronous which in fairness does help in this application, but seriously just....

Wait... hang on... WHAT?! You're using the whole thing in an asynchronous reactive chain then just calling join() on everything?! What do you mean it's "mostly asynchronous but just blocks at the end?!?!" Do you like watching people suffer for no purpose, Ted? Do you?

Privacy peeps, what's your opinion on usage of surveillance for national defence, domestic security, etc. ?
I'm just curious, most privacy-minded people I know generally trip up when confronted with stuff like "yeah, but if surveillance was a thing then that blast which killed 20 people yesterday could have been averted."
I've heard quite a few opinions on both sides, what's yours?

Why is fucking Chrome still not able to auto-hyphenate on Windows desktop?! Yeah I know the dictionaries, OS integration yadda yadda, BUT:
1) TeX did this 40 years ago, this is a solved problem in CS!
2) Firefox is a 3rd party application in Windows, just like Chrome, and can auto-hyphenate!

Convo with me an my friend today (i purposefully left out my opinions and reactions):

Friend: i want to learn c#

Me: sounds good, but I'd go java if i were you

F: yeah but i want to do unity

M: sounds good, but I'd go with unreal engine if I were you

F: what language is unreal engine?

M: C++, but if you want to make apps, go with unity

F: yeah I want to make an android app

M: sounds good, but I'd try out renderscript if I were you

F: yeah I've used that before

M: oh really? What does it do?

F: I don't know

M: its for gpgpu because android game devs needed better performance

F: yeah I've used that

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: umm… i know what gpu stands for

M: okay dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did, I made a cypher

M: dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did!

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: *left*

*five minutes later*

M: *checks phone*

M: *sees text from friend*

Text from friend: dude it was general purpose gpu

Today my boss decided that he wanted to manage his project properly. After a year he gave us deadlines (we still had deadlines but usually we did not know them). I open the xlsx file (yeah... xlsx) and I see the date of today as deadline. Well, at least it won't be a surprise this time.

When the day gets rough, I either read comics or start sketching cartoons. Yeah! I know. I sound like a kid.

Just figured out that while I was on vacation they made a really well thought (not) decision to switch to Firebase despite having 4 fully managed VPS with low usage.

Wanna know what the big deal is?
The only one who looks like knows anything is the fucking intern.

I was trying to understand the thought process and everything revolved around "its real time" argument.

No one knows how the api really works, the benefits of "real time" , and we are using the free plan :)

Yeah... People really do overthink things here...

I HAD typed up a big, long rant... but then I deleted it because as much as I WANT to rant today, I realized I'd prefer to still have a job tomorrow (yeah, I know, could always do a throwaway account, but fuck that). It's just one of those days in paradise.

> phone rings during worktime hours
> "Yeah, I was contacting you on behalf of YADDAYADDA, I just found your CV in our database and I wanted to know if you were open to work for us"
Excuse me, how long ago did I submit my application?
> "Mmmmh... it says 2020"

What exactly am I even supposed to answer.

Meetings would be better without people.

I mean I like the IDEA of meetings...

Honestly I'm the type of person who if I could would schedule lots of meetings to make sure we're all on the same page, and to be sure the thing is going to do the thing everyone wants / get their perspective, etc. I really want to KNOW what the folks who are going to use this thing need / want / what works best for them.

On the other hand I know that meetings are often more like:

Me: "Ok let's so here's our data, now tell me what fields they want to edit and so forth."

People: "All of them."

Me: "Uh, no you don't want that or they'll break everything ... X, Y and Z require those fields for A, B, and C to work."

Me: "Let's go field by field and you tell me if they need to edit it, and why."

People: "Yeah this first one they have to be able to change this one."

Me: "Wait no, that's the primary key for that table, I don't know why that's on this list but no you can't change that."

People: "Yeah we have to be able to change that."

Me: "No, you can't, do you even know what that number IS?"

People: "Um... no ..."

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Oh that time,

When I nearly hit the 48h.
With two 04-14h shifts without ANY break and constant crying from my colleagues.
And that flat movement of a friend in between. Where nobody did shit and I had to carry the washing machine one story downstairs. Alone. Because the other participants did not want to hurt their hands. Yeah.
In the breaks at home I ate and went on gaming, that pushed up I've been.

Those were the days in west Germany 'industrial centre' dip shit.
The war zones on humanity that piss me off.
And there still are those greedy pigs working off their asses, licking cunts for coins and mistreating their subordinates and families with 15 children (alternatively their BMW 3xx's) and partying 'friends' they only know by consuming the most industrial waste radioactive gym work out fist fucker 8000 *tm

Yeah.
Those were the days

Yeah so I quickly hacked stuff together. Why make it beautiful before I know whether it will actually do? Hack now, refactor later!

Yeah and then that moment in refactoring where main() gets under 700 lines and I don't know whether what I'm feeling is joy or despair. Gaaaahhhh!

At least I have also written automatic tests so that I can see when something breaks.

Me: This software is so expensive!! I don’t have that kind of money!

Friend: Yeah I know, and it’s pretty much impossible to pirate! *awkward laugh* Not that I would know...

😂

me making new dev friends

[...]
me: yeah that's cool what IDE are you using for C++?
guy: like an editor where I write the code?
me: ......yes?
guy: hold on, I don't know what it was called
> taps around his desktop
> guy shows word 2007
> I'm laughing a bit uncomfortably because I'm not sure whether he is serious or not
> guy opens up .cpp file in word
> so many questions
> mfw

Let's face it: I am and will always be a tinkerer. Yes, I know my ways around, I can sneak into legacy code bases easily and throw new stuff in there, I've seen software stacks. But scarcely sound design, really modular. Even from the cleverer, experienced ones. They can master more complexity, so they can handle more spaghetti. Some essay from the 80's had this grand idea to organically 'grow' software. That's how it looks like most of the times: cancerous, parasitic super fungi (armillaria). Yeah, we all know have to fight bit-rot and entropy, but it was all lost before already. We'll never get rid of legacy protocols, legacy code.
And even when we go green field, start a fresh. Yeah, take a great design, make everything new, after some months of throwing features and outer constraints at the thing, it's the same old mud again.
But we can still dream on: some day I will design great APIs, I will have great test coverage, documentation, UML design, autometed tests, fuzzing, memchecking, I'll work professionally, clean coder style.
Pfft forget it. Maybe change for consulting, because we'll continue to dream of the 'clean' code, so you can sell the next 'recipe', development method. It's like diets. As effective. For the one selling.

This one just popped into my head. A little late but still pretty idiotic.

So in college, shortly after we learned HTML, CSS, PHP and some very basic JS (and various other things ofc) we had to choose which study direction we wanted to go.
This included web development.
My brilliant classmate asked me the following around that time: "after all the webdev stuff they taught us, I don't know what more they can teach us"

So yeah..........

Idiot

I fell in love with Three.js.
I already know that in a week I will cry, tear my hair out and give up until I will discover another amazing js framework, as a loop. But yeah, it looks interesting

Yeah, please fucking tell the other knob I accidentally starred, ++d, liked, .. his X, that's a great function, better yet, why not make it fully archived, so even if you remove it a second later he's going to know you're the asshole that did it

One day I had a thought. (Dangerous, I know.) What if I could build a machine that took me up into the air and decoupled my inertia from the rotation of the Earth. So I would cease to move in sync with the Earth's rotation. Then I thought this could be a way to travel around the Earth. I wanted to know how long it would take to go around the Earth. So I got the circumference of the Earth and divided it by the surface speed of the Earth. I was really excited at this point.

40075 km ÷ 1670 km/hr = 23.997 hours

Oh ... yeah ... 24 hours. I guess the math checks out.

And this is why we need dev ducks.

My sister is 8 and here's what she told me a couple of days ago

My sis: I can't watch youtube!
Me: yeah, the intranets down.
My sis after 5 min: Google is not working.

This just proves that 1-2-3 graders don't know a fadoodle of what the internet is...

Started a new job yesterday...

The working hours are from 7:30 - 17:00, which includes a 30 minute lunch break.

I don't know how many times it was repeated that we start at 7:30. And each time in a I'm-joking-but-actually-dead-fucking-serious-so-you-better-have-your-ass-here-by-seven-thirty manner!

Oh yeah... and the drive to work is about 30-40min! 😩

using System;

namespace HelloWorld {
class Hello {
static void Main() {
Console.WriteLine("Hello World!");
}
}
}

So, yeah, hello DevRant...
But that you don't thing I am insane, I also know how to survive in C++ and Python.
Besides the fact that I utilize Mono on my Linux server I am crazy enough to admin Windows servers.

Average social media experience

Post: Guys, I have such a headache right now ughh.

Comments:

#1. Omg, so relatable haha.
#2. Yeah I literally have a migraine rn. LITERALLY.
#3. I am in the MRI room while I read this thread. You have no idea how easy you've got.
#4. Backenders are only about being an asshole. Also, JS rules and you know it.
#5. I like trains.

Working for 5 months as a junior dev. I receive a request to check out a data issue at client, no one knows what is happening. I quickly find a data import issue and let everybody know. Few days later apparently issue is still not solved. A senior data consultant approaches me asking for help.
senior: 'So, any idea what's wrong with the data?'
me: 'Yeah, someone messed up the import. Just delete it and import it again.'
senior: 'How do you know?'
me: 'Because <insert valid arguments>'
senior: Wow, very clever. Amazing work. I wouldn't have thought about that. Great job'

A few moments later I receive an email from the senior with all the stakeholders in the cc: 'I found the problem and I have a solution <copy/paste my words>'

I'm addicted to world of warships right now😫
Which game you guys plays a lot ?
Used to play cs 1.6 a lot too 😝
Yeah I know 1600 BC Game but it's still really fun😄

You know how you wake up from a bad dream?

I just woke up in the middle of the night, without any memory on any dream, but rather two people talking to each other on discord.

All I can remember was:
A: (garbled) you know when you ALT+CTRL+SHIFT+G?
B: (interrupts the other) 1,2,3... yeah when you want to move the windows to the other screen?

Both started to laugh.

I fully woke up, got a glass of water and went back to sleep. I’ve never, ever used that shortcut in any program.

I've now worked on both monolithic solutions and microapps/microservices. I gotta say I'm not sold on the new approach. There's so much overhead! You don't have to know your way around one solution -- no, now you need to know your way around 100 solutions. Debugging? Yeah, good luck with that. You don't have to provision one environment for dev, test, staging, and prod. No, now you need 100 environments per... environment. Now, you need a dedicated fulltime devops person. Now devs can check in breaking changes because their code compiles fine in that one tiny microapp. The extra costs go on and on and on. I get the theoretical benefits but holy crap you pay for it dearly. Going back to monolithic is so satisfying. You just address the bug or new feature head on without the ceremony and complexity. You know you're not crapping on other people's day (compilation-wise) because the entire solution compiles.

...and yeah, I'm getting old. So get off the lawn! ;)